destination: klia

12/10/2005 01:14:00 AM 1 Comment »
weh aku nak balik ni weh

(yeah yeah we alreadi know that)

am fully packed.

(since last week hehe)

ok elly, you definitely need to sleep now. it's half 2 in the morning, and your train is at half 6. about 3 hours of sleep?

am actually dreading for the day i'm coming back (aiya so fast thinking aa? what to do)

it's good to travel with someone who is laid-back. it tones you down a lil bit.

so the journey begins.. klia here i come!

la la la

12/09/2005 01:03:00 AM 0 Comments »
just chatted with my other half at msn :) he's at work now.

i'll keep this short and simple. i'll try hehe. it's 2 in the morning and i'm dead sleepy.

finally finished my exams. 2 papers. the one that i had today was harder. lots of pharmacology! freaking loads! name 3 example of cox2 inhibitors (what? i only know cox1 huhu), side effects of carbamazepine (it can be anything!), teratogens yada yada yada. yesterday papers got cancer genetics. hMSH2, MYH, APC, BRCA2 bloody hell. i only know the last one. whatever.

am going back on saturday! ellina and i (no, i wont kick your ass if you walk slowly to the airport, trust me, i'll be taking beta blocker that day, so i'll definitely be calmer) will take a train from newcastle to glasgow at half six on the saturday morning. then our flight from there is at quarter past one, to dubai. we then gonna stuck there for 9 hours before catching the connecting flight to klia. gonna arrive at klia at 5 past 11 sunday night.

cant wait to go home (yeah yeah you know that already). am fully packed now hihi. i'll try my best to remain calm throughout the journey, no worry, i'll bring the whole rack of beta-blocker with me. maybe need to pack some camomile & lavender tea with me..

tired and anxious

12/04/2005 07:57:00 PM 0 Comments »
i'm very tired, body and mind, but i couldnt sleep.

these past few days were weird. like last night, i was so tired, i could barely lift a finger and my eyes were completely closed, but i couldnt sleep until 4 in the morning. at 9 this morning, i was well awake, still tired but i couldnt sleep. and yeah, i'm still tired.

i admit i took some caffeinated coffee these past few days. i know i cant tolerate caffeine very much, it makes my anxiety and palpitation worse, but one needs caffeine to stay alert and focus, especially when exams are only half a week away. fine, i didnt take any caffeinated coffee today, so i hope tonight i can have a better sleep.

or, is it because i am rather anxious about the trip back home in 6 days time?

ellina has the answer and she is damn right.

when i am anxious and panicky, i can be a pain in the ass, right?

ellina too, has the answer and damn right, she is.

fine, sometimes i can be a REAL pain in the ass.

you people definitely DONT want to see me when i'm anxious. or when i got those psycho panic attacks. i even felt dizzy afterwards, more for feeling ashamed and stupid than anything else.

one of my new year resolution: be calmer, calmer and CALMER. relax elly, relax. think i need to buy some more camomile and lavender tea

9 days to go

12/01/2005 05:59:00 PM 0 Comments »
i'm going back.

yup, i'm going back. for 18 days only. what to do. well, better than not going at all. super thanks to elina, she found me a super cheap ticket.

the thing is, the excitement was disturbed by the fact that someone tried to clone my credit card. the fact that it's actually my dad's, it makes things worse. someone tried to withdraw some money on the day i was perfectly home, with the card safely with me. someone in newcastle. pelik gak. fortunately they didnt manage to get the right pin number, but the thought of someone tried to use the credit card makes me shudder.

nothing much to add. cant wait to see azali. he's gonna pick me up at the airport :) and send me to my family in ampang :)

gosh. 18 days. so much things to do. better get myself organised. i really wish i can see my friends, especially wirda, liza and mus, but dont think i have the time. the 2 weekends i'm already booked, 1st with jiman's commission in sg besi, and i got some family day to attend on the 2nd weekend. with the 4-hour rebonding session... plus making 9 lapik dulang for jiman's hantaran.. plus some picture max time with azali.. plus elective arrangement.. hmm seriously i need to organise and plan my time.

sigh. malasnya nk baca buku. all in my mind now is seeing azali's face at the airport. bet i cant stop smiling that day hi hi hi :D imagine me sengih from telinga to telinga weeeeeeeeeee

11/26/2005 12:52:00 AM 1 Comment »

to cheer a broken heart..

last day sekolah for 2005!

11/25/2005 10:49:00 AM 0 Comments »
HAPPY BIRTHDAY encik tunang!

finally both of us are in the same age hihi

raya open house 19/11/05. me and my housemates, shanti, ct and ellina.

nothing much to write. today is my final day for this sem. only have 1 lecture at half 3, so lepak2 aa dulu, bangun lambat hihi. think i might go to med school earlier to do some reading, but i can do that in my room. nah, i dont believe my bed and my tv, they keep on calling me to spend some time with them haha. fine, fine, i'll go to med school now.

numb mind

11/23/2005 06:27:00 PM 0 Comments »
finally, after 8 weeks, i have my passport back. they've granted me a 2-year visa! was so happy yesterday. i expect a 1-year visa, as my scholarship ends next july when i need to reapply it again, so i was surprised when the homeoffice gave me a 2-year visa. i'm truly grateful for not needing to save and spend another 250quids for another visa extension.

as planned, the next step would be hunting the flight ticket to go home, like, in 2 weeks time. i know it's a bit late, but what to do, i dont want to buy the ticket without confirming my visa first. unfortunately, most of the tickets are now taken and i'm left with the expensive ones. i searched endlessly yesterday and today to find a ticket that suits my account balance and i admit it was quite disappointing. managed to view a ticket online this morning but when i went to see the travel agent this afternoon, it was gone. some of the websites are funny too. macam biskut, kejap ade, kejap takde, then the next day ade balik, bila nk book, dah takde. well, as i said before, i have a feeling that i cant go back this december, but i dont think it's right to give up. so right now, if ade rezeki then i'll go home, if not, i'll stay here with the company of my friends.

newcastle is in its coldest winter ever. there are rumours that it will snow tomoro. for the 6th year i'm here, it never snows in november. a couple of night ago it was minus 7. super freezing cold. as much as i like winter and snow, but to have it this early and this cold, it's too much. while mama complained for malaysia especially kuantan has rained non-stop since earlier this week. worried weird world weather.

today as usual i work. a bit tired and sleepy cos last night's sleep wasnt good. went to library after that to do some revision. i drank 2 cups of coffee today, and that is a record. am so tired at the moment. physically and mentally. i decided not to go to badminton tonight, my shoulder hurts again. i'm pretty sure it's the rotator cuff muscles, but i'm too lazy to get ibuprofen. the cold weather makes it worse.

am heading home now. shall i take the bus or walk? it's damn cold outside. the bus stop is 10 minutes walk from here but the bus is not frequent since it's already 8 in the evening. while it takes about 30 minutes to walk from here to home. think i'll walk since i got my backpack today and dont have to put all pressure in one shoulder. got my coat and gloves. home, here i come.

sleepy head on a monday

11/21/2005 05:44:00 PM 0 Comments »
am so so soo sleepy right now. just finished the last lecture (at 5!) and am now waiting for the mandarin class at 6. ngantuk gile. last night i missed mama so much (euw childish + ngengada ahaks) and spoke to her until 2 in the morning. i miss home so much. these are the reasons why i must go home this dec:
- miss mama, abah, jiman, iwan and kak lysa
- miss azali sooo much
- havent seen my new house in kuantan. everyone else has seen it except me.
- my parents are going to haji at the end of dec. it's their wish to see all their childen before they leave..this makes me sad.
- got my dad's company's family day. i never been to one. they are usually held in a nice place, nice hotel, nice food, nice people, basically everything is nice
- got to do rebonding. desperately
- got to buy the food essential stock like bilis, cili kering etc.
- this is a really important one. i got to sort out my elective for next june in hospital kuantan. their website is so crap.
- jiman's graduation and commision this december. after that he'll be captain ridzman!
- this is another really important one. sort out the preparation for jiman's wedding. my parents desperately need my help/approval/view on everything cos this is the 1st wedding of our family and they're not sure what to do. not that i know what to do, but they value my views, maybe because i got some friends who are good in this sort of stuff, like ellina and mu'azzah.

the more i list out the reasons for me to go back, the sadder i become. i have a feeling that i cant go back this dec. a strong feeling. with the visa and ticket problems, dont think i can go back. well, as promised, i dont want to think too much, i take each day as it is, and take one step at a time. all that i need to do now is to concentrate for my exams in 2 weeks time. other things can be put on hold.

last saturday we had our raya open house. it was a blast. i started making banana cakes on thursday evening (4 of them!). i thought 4 would be enough. obviously not. then most of our dishes we cooked on friday. we made nasi himpit, nasi tomato, rendang ayam, kuah kacang, chicken wing bbq, milo jellies and some fruit salad. this year we were quite organised, with ct's cooking timetable, plus me and ct were free on friday to prepare the food. about 40 people came, all are friends (sorry we dont invite foes! hihi) and it seemed everyone was having a good time and enjoyed themselves. the kuah kacang and banana cakes finished first. about 10 people asked me for the recipe, and i'm so happy they liked it. second most popular dish was the chicken wing bbq. it was so simple to make, only need to marinate it for 1/2 hour, but it tastes so good. lucky we got some leftovers for ourselves, we made around 150 of them. i promise to upload some pictures here and in my fotopages soon.

so that was saturday. oh forgot to mention that oja came all the way from glasgow to enjoy our raya open house. sorry that huda couldnt make it, die tak sampai hati to leave dear husband even for a night, takpela, i'll make you rendang and banana cake next time you come to see me ok.

what else? oh yeah, this is worth mentioning. i saw the latest harry potter movie on friday. it was the 1st view of the day. i didnt know that the cinema opens at 10, so i had to stand outside, freezing cold for 20 minutes, along with other about 20 hardcore fans of harry. of course they were all looked eager to enter the cinema, but alas, they needed to que and buy the ticket first, where else i, the most handcore fan of harry ever (self-confessed hihi) had bought the ticket a few days earlier and as a result of that i was the 1st person to enter the cinema room. i was so so soo happy, climbing the stairs at the side of the seats, choosing the bestest seat (it's free seating here in the uk) and you know what, i was laughing out loud HA HA HA! no one was there (yet), i was about to watch my favouritest movie in the bestest seat and i can do whatever i want, well, for 30 seconds before other viewers arrived. might sound a bit childish, but i was really happy, no children at all (it's quarter past 10 view on a friday morning where all children are at school. dont like children cos they are noisy. hihi selfish siot) and the cinema was only half full (again, weekday view). was i clever or what? muahahahha

the movie was superb. but again, i'm a very biased viewer cos i like harry potter so much. it was quite a fast-paced movie, from one plot to another, and honestly i dont think non-readers could understand the storyline. ok, enough said, dont want to spoil those who havent seen the movie. some said it wasnt as good as the 1st 3 movies, well, that's their opinion and i respect that. tho i was a bit sad, as i am a hardcore fan. but the movie receives a lot of good reviews, from the papers and the internet, and i like that. i like harry potter and i like it when others share the same view.

oklah, got to go now. gonna go to my last mandarin class session. dont think i want to take any language lesson again. at least not for now. now i have to concentrate and pass and finish my course first. good day everyone :)

la la la

11/17/2005 12:36:00 PM 0 Comments »
sejuk sih. last night it was minus 2 ellina said. it was freezzzziiiing cold. someone told me that it's going to be the coldest winter ever since 1962. sejukkkk..brr..

malas gak. am at med school at the moment, waiting for the half one seminar. rase malas plak nk pie. but i've prepared the case study. hmm maybe that's a good reason for not going. cos since i've already prepared the case, so i wont lose anything by not going. see where my mind is going? tee hee hee.

went to sport centre to play badminton last night despite the freezing weather. i havent played for 2 weeks, to let my shoulder to heal properly. good, last night my shoulder didnt hurt anymore and i enjoyed myself. met up with the other malaysians, gosh i was the only malay, but that doesnt matter, i just want to play badminton. went to the library before that to prepare today's case study. before that i went to work, as usual, on wednesday. on the way back i went to tesco to buy 3 buckets of ice-creams and a few other stuff for the open house this saturday. so overall i had a productive day yesterday, and i liked it. productive day means good day :)

seriously malas nk pie seminar. maybe gonna have lunch with ellina at 1 when she finishes her lectures. after that i plan to do some food shopping for this saturday open house. i need to bake 5 banana cakes tonight. gees, never done that before. hopefully jadik. according to ct's cooking timetable, we gonna make the cakes, jellies, and nasi himpit tonight. tomoro gonna be a super busy day cos we plan to make most of the dishes tomoro. but then i managed to get ct's consent to watch harry potter tomoro yippee!! i'm gonna watch the 1st view of the day, at quarter past 10 in the morning. i wish i can watch it tonight, they'll have a 5 past midnight screen. and i think they gonna finish at nearly 3 in the morning, so dont think it's a good idea for me to watch it, alone.

talked to mama just now. sian die, sorang2 kat ampang. abah went to penang for a meeting and kak lysa to china and mama is home alone. die tak berani nk duk kuantan sorang, so one of my aunt gonna kawankan die kat ampang. iwan is having his spm right now. super stressed, mama said. i wasnt there when he took upsr and pmr, and now spm. no wonder i'm in his bottom list of people he loves and cares most. he said he loves mama the most, then kak lysa, then jiman and abah, and i'm the last. what to do. i've never been there for him. hopefully i can talk to him this weekend for my parents are going to visit him at his school.

oklah, azali is online. think i wanna chat with him for a while before going to lunch.


11/15/2005 12:42:00 PM 0 Comments »
monday was a bad day.
think i'm going crazy.
no. if i think or keep on thinking about it, then i'm really going to be crazy.

one question. i didnt think it was a difficult one. but others seem to think otherwise. but i agree it wasnt a fair question.

is it true that i'm actually a simple person who believe the opposite?

like if i constantly said that i'm a difficult and complicated person, i eventually become one, tho the truth is the opposite? like if i constantly talking about depression, i eventually have one? tho the ultimate truth fact is that i havent?

it's all in my mind, some says. it's all in my head.

some says that i'm actually a simple person who thinks the opposite.

are you saying i'm a pretender? am i a liar?

maybe they're true. maybe they are not. i cant seem to find the answer and my head cant accept that.

some says it works like a mantra. the more you constantly say and think about certain thing, it will eventually become true. is it true? or is it not? i cant seem to find the truth. i doubt i'll find one, and i doubt if it will be a solution that will satisfy my mind.

so what satisfy me? i dont know. i dont want to be unfair nor greedy, but i still want a solution that satisfies me. the thing is, i dont know what i want. so i dont know what will satisfy me. thus i cant find any solution. you can give me 1001 solutions and if not one of them satisfy my mind, then i wont find any answer at all. forever.

the questions are:
- what do i want? i dont know.
- am i a complicated person? i dont know.
- am i a simple person who think otherwise? i dont know.

too many questions, yet no answer. no answer that will satisfy me. the thing is, i dont know what answer will satisfy me.

- do you think they are difficult questions? i dont think so.
- do you think they are fair questions? i dont think so.

they are not difficult, but unfair questions.

where should i seek for answers? will the answers be the truth? i wish so, but i doubt it.

some says politely, and carefully, that i can be the simplest in a complicated matter, and i can also be complicated in a simplest task. is it true?

i dont know what i feel now. it makes me sad, a bit.

i dont think there's any harm on having a complicated mind. but to pretend to have one? it's not good, right? and if the questions that i ask myself are true, then by simple deduction, i'm a bad person then.

- am i actually a simple person who think otherwise? presumably, true.
- to pretend to have a complicated mind? bad person.

so overall i'm a bad person. and i feel sad. for being a bad person. i feel less human. i feel like shutting myself from the world cos i'm a lesser human. a lesser human doesnt have the right to live. says who? no one.

you know what? i think the best way is to be simpler. since to pretend to have a complicated mind but in fact own a simple mind makes me a bad person, then the best way is to change myself to be simpler. that is the only solution that i can find last night. it's not the best solution, but it seems to satisfy my mind. but can one change oneself to be simpler? do i want to? i must. cos being the one described above, i'm a bad person. no one wants to be a bad person.

tho it is just an assumption that the answer for the question above is true.

ok. i'll be a simpler person. i'll try to be one. no more standing in front of the cupboard for 10 minutes to decide on what to wear. no more thinking for 4 hours to decide on what to eat for dinner. no more 'to go or not to go'. no more 'to do or not to do'. just go for it. or not go for it. it wont be easy. one reason i'm bad at making decision is that i'm afraid of the consequences. not anymore. every action comes with its consequences. some are good and others are bad. and there is always a silver lining in every clouds. do i really believe this? i dont, but i think i have to. i wont allow myself to think more than 1/2 hour, then i'll just have to do it.

i have to do it. i have. i dont want to be a bad person. i'm not a lesser human. it's the battle btw me and my mind. good luck to me.

sunny but cold sunday

11/13/2005 12:08:00 PM 0 Comments »

happy couple :)

a friend used to tell me how she hopes to get engaged and married to a man she truly likes. well, she is about to get her wish comes true this summer :) arent they lovely? hehe with matching outfits. btw i got her permission to put her picture here. the guy is very quiet but seems nice and he does make her happy. i wish them the very best in life.

sunday. another bliss. tho not as bliss as saturday. saturday is good cos you have sunday the next day. while on sunday, you have monday the next day, which is not a good day. but when you are on monday itself, it's good cos at the end of that day, you've done a fifth of your weekdays. what am i doing now, writing bout days? i must be super bored.

am currently disliking a person. not my azali, we're good. he is nice. maybe the only person in this world who can stand of me. even my parents cant stand me too long. i'm wild, rude, rough, selfish, super easily irritated, likes cursing, super hate being told what to do, super duper bapak degil and lots more. no suprise when my own bro said that if he was my bf, he would have left me ages ago. now i understand why my parents, especially my mum, and my old roomate were shocked and disbelieved when i told them about azali. they thought for someone who can accept me, he must be super-human. seriously, they thought that. mind you, i'm not a bad person. i'm a difficult and complicated person. i'm not sure how my friends view me, but i think they know not to cross the border. i'm not being two-faced, i think i'm worse than what my friends think i am, but i'm better than what my family think i am. the only person who really knows me is azali. that's why i always coming back to him. although i treated him like dirt in the past, he still called just to ask for my wellbeing. 'dah mkn belom. jaga diri ye.' although i cursed him like hell and he read it, he still called just to ask for my wellbeing. he still sent me some kuih raya. he still speaks nicely in the phone. that's why i always coming back to him.

back to the person i'm currently loathing. they're really testing my nerve. if others accept your decision, doesnt mean you can make mine. dont try to rule my life. if i cant make a decision, doesnt mean you can make mine. you are no one. no bloody one in my life. stop being a big-headed. stop being a dominant. buzz off


11/12/2005 02:11:00 PM 0 Comments »
hello again. it's saturday noon, and i'm still in my pyjamas. bless. these past few saturdays had been full and i'm glad today i can rest and do nothing. ct and yus went to nottingham this morning and ellina went to attend a job interview in metro centre, and i'm alone in my room with my duvet and teddies, on my double bed, with the tv remote on my right hand. me and my beloved tv. my ideal saturday hihi.

talked to huda just now. it's nice to hear that voice again. she's been quite busy lately, as expected for being a doctor, but she still hasnt lost her sense of humour. hope to see you next saturday huda ;)

for next saturday we're having a raya open house!! like last year, we are going to cook non-stop for 2 days and 2 nights, making rendang, kuah kacang, nasi himpit, lemang, chicken wing bbq, kek pisang, and maybe nasi tomato as well. nice! this year we estimate the guests to be twice the number compared to last year, meaning we are going to cook for about 50 people! hmm..boleh buat nyer! tho we lost one of our last year toyol aka nadine hhehehe he can make good begedel i tell you hihi. but he prefers to be somewhere else, like 'in the arms of miss sweetie' muahaha. takpe la, am hoping this year will be more organised than last year, yup, i'm not worried cos we got cik ct to organise our cooking timetable hehe.

what else to write? oh yeah, a big, big, BIG congratulations to ct for passing her exams! never seen her so happy and lively and bubbly and smiling and laughing, ever before! good for you, girl, good for you.

cant bloody wait for harry potter next week (mode: terkinja2 lompat2 atas kerusi hihi). cant wait to see the movie. bet it's a more serious and darker movie. i dont mind that in a movie, but i dont like reading it in a supposedly children book. well, what the hell, i'm not the author. bet my sister gonna say, 'huh tak best, harry dah besar, dah tak cute dah'. which i think is true. ape pun, cant wait to see the movie this friday, except that it's the day before our raya open house, so dont think ct gonna let me leave the house. we'll see.. ;)

almost finish the kuih raya that azali sent me. tart nenas tinggal satu. dont have the heart to finish the last one. dont know when will i taste tart nenas again. sedihnyer.. tart nenas..kuih paling best satu dunia huhu

oklah, gonna get some food to eat before lying on my bed again. saturday...bless :) have a nice weekend ;)


11/08/2005 07:32:00 PM 0 Comments »
mode: malas

when it's cold and wet outside, and you just had dinner and showered and put on your pyjamas, all you want to do is lying on the bed doing nothing.

that's exactly what i'm doing right now hihi.

the weather has been quite horrible lately. it's wet, windy, and super cold. cant imagine how cold the winter will be like. on second thought, yes i do, it will be my 6th winter here this december, and of course i know what winter will be like. i'm just hoping that i can spend the early winter somewhere else besides newcastle. somewhere really hot, which serves really good and cheap food, with lots of familiar faces. i'm thinking of home. but with my current visa-less plus passport-less situation, things are not going well as planned. as much as i dont want to think about it, i do.

i'm covered by feelings of guilt for writing bout my relationship probs in this blog. it's personal and private. but being me, typical hot-big-headed fiercely defensive me, i just had to pour it out loud. i cant keep it to myself. sometimes i share personal stuff to my mum, but when one is really damn moody and angry, one just cannot help from shouting, and of course one doesnt want to shout at one's mum.

well, what's done is done. terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kate badan binasa. now i have to accept the consequences, whatever that is. but i do stick on my words. i have no regrets. i was very very angry at that time and that indeed influenced my judgement. i wrote a few entries in the past that i didnt publish, but this time my anger exceeded everything and i decided to publish it. i know that i'll always feel guilty on whatever decision i make, so be it.

think i better stop now and do something useful, like, revising. exams are a few weeks away, and being a very slow starter, think i should start by updating my notes. i'll be working as usual tomoro, and believe it or not, i just asked for a raise. i hope i get a raise after being paid less 20% than what every other medical notes summarisers received. i didnt ask for much, i just want to be paid fairly, but of course i was scared, this is my first job and this is the first time ever i ask for a raise. hope it went ok. have a nice week everyone.

11/04/2005 12:33:00 PM 1 Comment »
mode: moody. bloody fucking moody

seems like everything annoys me. from the weather, to hari raya, to the people i met, to the classes, to the retail therapy that used to get rid of my bad mood. well, not anymore. i cant seem to find it enjoyable anymore.

you see, it's hari raya. i celebrate it like what i did previous years. i woke up like usual, went to class like usual, did my routine like usual. it's not possible for me to cook with my weekday routine, plus i have housemates who has major exams, or presentations or projects. it doesnt matter whether it's major or not, but basically us overseas student dont have the leisure of public holiday on hari raya. the most i can do is to cook on the weekend. but this one guy said 'ntah la, saya tak tahu la macam mane awak sambut hari raya kat sane..'. bloody hell. what do you want me to do? visit kubur? pakai baju kurung? i'm bloody annoyed.

i do appreciate ramadhan and syawal. i called my parents and seeked for their forgiveness. i called my sister and brothers to wish them hari raya. i couldnt go to solat raya cos i had classes that morning. i'm truly happy that syawal is here. what else to you expect me to do?

i'm also annoyed with the total minutes that i used to call malaysia. i calculated them from the previous 3 months phone bills. teka aa how many minutes i used to call malaysia, especially him. bloody freaking 1100++ minutes every month!! bloody hell. yet he accused me of abandoning him? ....rase nk pecah kepala bengang. yet when i called him yesterday he didnt sound pleased. ?? cos i didnt call him on 1st day of raya. ??. bloody hell. bloody freaking hell. pissed off gile2 babi nyer. fine, i can go visit other people's houses, those postgrad's who i only met once a year. but i dont want to. i still can remember the way they treated us 2 years ago, undergrad who doesnt wear scarf. mati hidup balik i wont go there again.

bet he gonna say, 'abis tu, pakai aa tudung tu'.

.................... . .

i'm sick of trying to be nice. i am what i am. when he met me, i never show him any other face except myself. i'm no nice, no girly2, but i'm no rude. just me. the real me. and he seemed to accept me. obviously 5 years are not enough to know someone. he wants me to change. i'll change when i want to, if necessary, obviously no one perfect, but he asked something that is impossible, and i bloody bloody hate being told what to do. it's the same old story, i'm not nice enough to him, even my family starts to back him up. bloody hell. did i not use the word bodoh before you tell me you like me? did we not agree that tv is very important for both of us? bloody stupid things.

fine. FINE.

then i tried to do some retail therapy to soothe my anger. bloody hell. there's nothing for me to buy. nothing seems to satisfy me. not handbag, not shoes, not clothes, not nine west. all seem so freakin dull. this annoys me even more.

still no news about visa. a friend told me that sept-oct are peak seasons for visa renewal so it will take more time for them to settle it. that's good news, and bad news. good news cos now i know it's not lost in the postage, or got delayed or rejected. bad news is that it can still be lost in the postage, or got delayed or rejected, or they gonna settle it way too late for me to buy ticket to go back home this early december. i just cant be bothered about it anymore. if i manage to get the visa and go back home this dec, that'll be great. if not, i'll buy myself an ipod mini. along with its speaker.

obviously i'm not in the best of mood. fine, i know the world doesnt evolve around me, and i have to consider other people's mood as well. today is another day. just finished a dermalogical suture session. guess what. they used pig meat to practice suturing. of course i didnt do it. i just watched. but i dont like it when they all make a big fuss about it. 'are you ok with it?' like 5 people asked me that. i know my limitation, i cant touch those pig meat, so i just watched. plus i bloody hate gloves. do i have to tell everyone why oh why i hate gloves? my own freaking business. i just hate gloves. do i need a reason for hating gloves? fine, i'm a freak, so what does it have to do with you? i just hate fucking gloves.

i bet he will say 'oh haram babi tu, abis kenapa dtg kelas tu?'. cos it's a damn important class. i need to know the suture technique. i watched, and i learnt, and i practice at home. dont tell me what my boundaries and limitations are. i know how to take care of myself and stop telling me what to do. and stop using that voice tone ever again.

fine. fucking FINE. better log off now before i curse more bad words. bet there will be some big war when he read this. you know what. i dont fucking care. you promised to accept me just the way i am, and you know me the most so you know i dont like being told what to do, being sarcastic, being provoked. i cant seem to talk to you now without fearing offending you. i hate being two-face. i cant. i dont want to. you pressed the wrong button man. damn wrong button.

selamat hari raya :)

11/03/2005 11:59:00 AM 0 Comments »
i have half an hour before my next seminar. just finished my case study, bloody hell, this woman has dermatomyositis, erythema multiforme, autoimmune blisters and a few more conditions like lung cancer. talk about bad luck. i wonder if she is just a fiction, for us med student to cover a lot of stuff in one case study.


Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri
Maaf Zahir Batin

this year raya is a bit different. i mean in my perception of hari raya. a few years back, hari raya was just another day, i didnt feel much, even puasa was just a typical day, mostly i didnt even realise the end of ramadhan and the arrival of syawal. being abroad, syawal is just another day. i have my usual class, my usual case studies aka homeworks to finish, pegi balik sekolah mcm biasa. even last night ie malam raya i didnt do anything. i thought of cooking, but yesterday was a full long day and i was very tired so i decided to spend my time on stuff that i enjoy. i showered, laid on my bed and watched star wars. that's how i treat myself.

then got this one guy asking me 'hei malam raya, buat la ape2, malam raya wei'. what do you expect me to do? anyam ketupat? pegie join keluarga sape2 ntah tuk dgr takbir raya? i was annoyed. fine, i do miss my family, this is the 6th syawal i'm abroad, and alone, so let me spend my time on the stuff that i know best for me. but this year is indeed different compared to previous years. i'm no longer homesick. i just miss my family. there is a big difference between those two. homesick is more like you are in denial, you desperately need to be with someone at a different location. it affects you more psychologically. while if you miss someone, you miss their presence and the way they make you feel. i miss my family, mama, abah, jiman, iwan and kak lysa, and their all purple theme this year. but i'm no longer homesick. it took me 9 years to overcome homesickness, and i'm finally there, on this year's syawal :)


10/29/2005 11:47:00 PM 1 Comment »
nope, i didnt go to work on friday. i felt guilty (again) on spending my time other than studying, so i decided to spend friday in the library. managed to stay there for a few hours and finished all my homework and case studies. then i felt satisfied for putting my priority right. and i'm no longer feel guilty for working today as i've finished all my coursework. i spent about 3 hours working at my usual work place this morning. hehe more money to buy more make-ups! am trying to squeeze some money to buy bobbi-brown's 2-in-1 concealer and anti-shine powder hihi.

altho i havent been tagged, i still want to do it. so here goes:

Se7en things that (will) scare me:
1. cacing, pacat, ulat and everything that moves using bendalir dlm bdn..euww..
2. headless figure and all sort of things that are not from this world aka ghosts
3. really really big people. i’m scared of being crushed
4. die alone and no one found me, like, forever, with no grave
5. being left by my loved one. don’t leave me please, you know who you are huhu
6. what people might thought of me. too bloody concious, I am
7. if i fall and got lost track of my life, again

Se7en things I like the most:
1. my friends in newcastle. They rock!
2. chocolate. god bless those who invents chocolate..
3. money money money and of course the stuff that I can buy with it
4. being engaged to the guy who I truly loved
5. having a great family who I love the most
6. my two wrists. I think they are the best part of my body hihi
7. cooking is my passion

Se7en most important things in my room :
1. my beloved tv
2. my laptop
3. my bed
4. lipsticks
5. watch
6. collection of clothes
7. whiteboard aka organiser

Se7en random facts about me:
1. i’m obsessed with chinese. i straighten my hair, i love their food and i’m even learning mandarin.
2. i care more than what people think
3. i like beautiful girls. let me rephrase, i like to see beautiful girls. cos they are beautiful. i can give compliment to them anytime. i once wrote a poem to compliment the beauty of a girl i knew. wont tell you who and don’t tell me why
4. the heat centre of my body is at….the tip of my nose. seriously
5. left handed people amazed me
6. i cry everytime i watch ‘Deep Impact’
7. i like monkeys. i think they are cute

Se7en things I plan to do before I die:
1. go around the world. moscow is a must.
2. go to north pole with my dad
3. give birth to at least a pair of children
4. be a good muslimah, a loving wife and mother, basically be a better person
5. go to haji with my husband and his parents and my parents
6. go to disneyworld with my family
7. i want to build an elderly home (rumah org2 tua)

Se7en things I can do:
1. i can cook :)
2. i can travel alone and find my way
3. i can sew and do crosstitch
4. i can spend endless time with the elderly
5. i managed to beat depression. i hope.
6. i can walk, a lot. just give me a good pair of trainers, a bottle of water, a hat, warm clothing and some food, and i can walk anywhere, anytime
7. i can go shopping 7 days in a row hihi

Se7en things I can't do:
1. i can't save money. no talent whatsoever
2. i cant drive. it’s too much pressure and anxiety, i cant cope
3. i cant remain silent, unspoken for more than a day. i need to talk to somebody, or something
4. be patient. am inpatient in many ways
5. not talking to my mum in more than a week.
6. i cant stand people who provoke me. ade aa yg kene penampar
7. i cant make myself think that i’m attractive. it’s just a big definite no in my head, and those who tell me otherwise are just liars or blind.

Se7en words I say the most:
1. bloody hell. fav phrase at the moment. use more than 10 times in a day
2. what??
3. fuck
4. shit
5. whatever
6. hello..?
7. fine..!

Se7en celeb crushes:
1. orlando bloom
2. brad pitt
3. kelly brooks
4. bernard chandran
5. harry potter
6. cate blanchett
7. j-lo

Se7en people I'll love to see doing this:
1. ellina
2. nadine
3. wirda
4. ct
5. huda
6. liza
7. abah (??)

have a nice weekend.

yippee! new foundation!

10/27/2005 07:39:00 PM 1 Comment »
am so happy at the moment. got myself a new foundation. for those who dont know me, i dont like to wear anything on my face, mainly because i prioritise on having a clean and blemish-free face, and that is hard to have with make-ups, where you have to clean your face very thoroughly everytime after using them. i know you can have make-ups and blemish-free face at the same time, but my face is kinda hard to jaga. those who were with me in taiping or kmys can remember my old face, with its blemish, uneven pigmentation and the thing that i hate most, pores. i had pores as big as nostrils i tell you. now that i finally found skincare products that suit my skin, dermalogica, it really improves my skin, tighten pores and moisturise really well. t.h.a.n.k.y.o.u.e.l.l.i.n.a you are truely my sifu hihi.

back to my new foundation. went to fenwick after class this afternoon with ellina, i was initially looking for an eyeliner, saja suke2 cari, not that i wear one, then suddenly ellina mentioned about the importance of having a good foundation. then i looked myself in the mirror, gosh i looked super dull. i didnt have anything on my face, just some lipstick that i wore this morning. i wear lipstick cos my lips are lebam, something that i got from my mum, and there was once when a friend thought i was a smoker for having a lebam, dark lips. me? smoke? it was a total insult cos i hate smoking so very much, both personally and professionally (am a medic student, i know what smoking can cause your body and your future baby and to those who surround you). that's why i never leave the house without having my lipstick on, even to the laundrette, i always have some lipstick on. cos i hate people to think i'm a smoker.

fine, again, back to my new foundation. my face was so dull when i looked myself in the mirror. i've tried some face powder and foundation from lancome in the past, they have a really good texture, but i'm so obsessed on having a blemish-free face + i'm not very rajin to clean my face very thoroughly every night, so i very seldomly use them. then ellina mentioned about bobbi brown. i know they are very very good product. you see, i dont want to put make-ups to look pretty, but i dont want to look ugly. there is a definite difference between those two if you think hard enough.

so we went to bobbi brown in fenwick. the girl who did my face was so nice. i didnt even got her name, well, it is her job to treat customers nicely, but i like those who treat me well. i told her i want a very light powder/foundation for my face that i can use every day. i told her i dont like make-ups but i dont want to be ugly. she tried several different tones on my skin, before finally decided that moisture rich foundation spf15 warm natural 4.5 suits me. before this i only went to lancome, clinique or prescriptive counters to try their products but this was my first time ever using bobbi brown product. it has a very large range of colour tones for various skin tones, and i was sure she chose the right tone for me as the tone totally dissappeared when it applied on my face. that's what ellina told me about finding the right tone of foundation.

the girl also put some other stuff on my face as well; concealer under my eyes and some anti-shine, they sell this together in a very cute small case, some blusher that also can be use as eye-shadows (2-in-1 very cute case), mascara, and something that i never heard before, a powder eye-liner.

muahaha. as you can see, i'm not very (very) good in make-ups, my sifu is ellina, of course. and of course every girl wants to look nice (in my case i dont want to look ugly without make-ups). i was very satisfied with the end result, i wish i can buy them all, but i'm trying not to be greedy, so i only bought the foundation. it costed me 24 quids. damn. but i am satisfied. i want a foundation, and i got a really really good one.

now i hope i can wear this thing every day. the thing with me right, i'm not very particular and rajin to improve my face. i do like seeing people in make-ups cos they look nice, but not for me. when i read wirda's blog, i wish i can be as keen as her in make-ups. in cleaning, toning and moisturising my skin, yes i'm keen on doing that, i spend some money to get the best skincare that suits my skin, but when it comes on make-ups, i do own them, but i dont use them. they are not my priority. same with perfumes. i never finish using them, big or small bottles, they are left unfinished or even unused. as long as i'm clean and not smelly, tidy and well-presented, then i am fine. i'm comfortable being in the middle, or like what i like to refer to as being in the middle of a bell shape normal distribution. not ugly, not pretty, just normal, biasa2 je.

fine, enough about me. just want to tell you that now i'm working and earning my own money, i dont feel guilty on spending it, especially on the leisure stuff like a 24 pounds foundation. in fact it feels good to spend my money for myself. ok ok enough got to sleep now. i got a free day tomoro and guess what i intend to do? work extra hour maa, get more money to buy leisure stuff for myself and feels good about it hihihihi


10/25/2005 01:40:00 PM 0 Comments »
finally got some time to update this blog. sound as if i was so busy, actually i wasnt that busy, just got occupied with tasks and routines. i'm waiting for ellina now at the old library cluster, she wants me to take some pics of her at the king's walk near student union. you better be here in 1/2 an hour ellina, cos i got some lectures in 50 minutes time.

weekend was full. saturday i attended a wedding of an old friend, she was my flatmates during my 1st and 2 years. it was the my first non-malay wedding. she got married in a church, sweet and simple. wish siaw yien and eric the very best in life.

after that me and ellina rushed to bella grove for malaysian soc's agm. we arrived an hour late, but it was good to see some familiar faces. the meeting finished at 3ish, and we rushed home to prepare ourselves for the night outing. me, ellina, ct, yus and nadine planned to buka posa at a mongolian restaurant near quayside. it's a nice, posh place, in my opinion, and kinda expensive too. takpe la, sesekali. they have chinese and mongolian buffet, and they said the chicken and beef part are halal. nice! imagine having chicken lemon, black pepper beef and all kind of chinese cooking food, best giler! and the mongolian buffet serves lots, lots and lots of seafood, big prawns, mussles, sotong, and they even got shark steak! i never taste any shark steak before. best gile. makan byk gile. it's worth the 13.50 pounds i paid. maybe i cant go every month, again, se-sekali boleh la ;)

me with the lawa-est girl in my life. think i puji her like 10 times that night hihi so beautiful. can drool over her anytime hihi jgn mare cik ct just kidding. we were standing at the hall, waiting for the guys, nadine and yus to prepare themselves (gile lame bersiap kalahkan pompuan betul). can see me with my new coat, and my curls, susah woo nk curl rambut besar2. took me 1hr ++ to do that hair.

and on sunday i decided to invite some new students to buka posa at my house. so, i spent the whole day, i mean, the whole day, cooking. usually ellina is my toyol, i.e. she does the potong2 basic nits and bits, but she wasnt feeling very well that day, + she got lots of coursework to do, so i cooked alone. started cooking at half 11, til half 5! i made nasi ayam, kuew teow goreng and kek pisang for 12 people. i used to cook for many people in the past, but i never cook alone, from scratch. i always have someone to help me. so this was my 1st experience. and you know what? i'm so loving it! cooking is my passion. i simply love to cook. just give me enough time, i can cook. and all 12 people came. i like this year's freshers. they seem like a bunch of nice people. mu'azzah came too, she and her sis treat me very well, and i treasure those who treat me well.

oklah, ellina's not here yet, maybe i should head to med school soon. still no news about my visa thingy, it's the 4th week now. cool elly, cool, dont panic. totally unsure about the trip back home this dec now. cant buy the ticket without the visa. and the flight ticket is getting more expensive each day. well, got something to cheer me up today, i got a raya card from my sis. it was nice of her. azali just posted some kuih raya to me yesterday, love you to bits! have a nice week, everyone :)


10/16/2005 01:48:00 PM 0 Comments »
finally i managed to finish one of my many room projects. as you can see, the left frame hold pictures of my friends, here in newcastle, glasgow and malaysia. while the right frame are pictures of my family and azali. nice..

million memories..

i also bought a whiteboard that i longed to have last week. i'm not very organised, i cant even use an organiser, but i'm trying hard to organise my life, so what is better than a whiteboard to write on all my appointments, routines and tasks? nice..

i think the final stage of completing my room is over. i'm satisfied with my room, the furniture's arrangements and the decorations and accesories. the heater is now fully accesible for the upcoming of winter. the tv is exactly next to my bed. the study desk is in front of the window and next to the book shelf and next to my bed. neat..

it has been a busy and tiring week. was so happy and enthusiastic on playing badminton on wednesday. best! then the next day my body had to pay the price. then it got much worse on friday. my body ached like never before, it was much much worse compared to when i jogged. my right hip was the worst, i climbed up and down the stairs like an 80-year-old. my old fragile left shoulder that caused me lots of pain in the past was also affected. shanti was right. the 2nd day was the worst. it improved a lot on saturday. i went to work on saturday, did some extra hour work, to pay for my new coat.

yup, i bought a new coat. it's so beautiful. but still i felt so much guilty, i couldnt even sleep on the night after i bought that coat. the thing is, i already have lots, i mean, LOTS, of coats AND jackets. a few of black, dark cholcolate, light chocolate, cream, blue. knee length, halfway knee to thigh length, thigh length, waist length, belts and buckles, no belts and buckles. LOADS. the new coat is grey and it's military style. there are buckles at the neck and on each wrists. zips and buttons. it's super gorgeous. but it's pricey as well. it's not that i NEED a new coat to add to my 8+ existing coats. and 8+ jackets. i felt so guilty, but i'm in love as well. dilemma..

some random stuff to take my mind off that new coat:

the mandarin class is getting harder. there are homeworks as well. and i discovered my tongue can curl like i never thought it can.

finally F1 ends, at least for this season. woke up early this morning (6 o'clock!) to catch the final race in shanghai. renault won both the driver's and constructor's championship. although mclaren has the best driver AND cars, but they are not reliable. renault won because they have consistent performance, which is fundamental in the racing field. ferrari had a bad year and michael schumacher had the worst ever race in shanghai. there will be lots of changes next season, with the drivers shift to different teams, and 3 of the teams will no longer race. F1 is a good adrenaline sport that requires persistent accuracy and commitment, but it costs a lot. i hope next year will be a good year for F1, this year has seen lots of political and business involvement, F1 is a race of cars, so let it be a race of cars.

snooker season is back. good.

better off now. gonna upload all my coats and jackets pics at my fotopages. no, i'm not obsessed with my coats. my sister is going to china next month and it's gonna be super cold there, and she wants to borrow my coat for the trip, so i put pics of my coats in the net for her to view and choose which coat she wants. nice sister huh. i mean me tee hee hee

monday, tuesday: busy days -> do not disturb

10/11/2005 11:35:00 PM 0 Comments »
cant wait to play badminton tomoro! i've been waiting for this since last week when luke agreed to arrange a wednesday sport day for malaysian soc. hopefully there will be enough people turning up tomoro. badminton is the only sport that i play. i dont play volley, and i dont even know how many people in a team of netball. i started playing badminton since i was in standard 4, but only while i was in kmys i found a good playing partner to play it almost everyday.

there are 2 people who were responsible in getting me involve with this sport. liza, my badminton partner, and azali, well, my other half. i used to play badminton with liza consistently in kmys, and yes, she was a good partner. while, azali, on the other hand, never played badminton with me in kmys. he was the reason i first got involved with this sport. he used to play ping pong, and ping pong and badminton courts were at the same venue ie inside the multi-purpose hall in kmys. so, the reason i managed to drag my butt to go and play badminton almost every day was for me to see him. i liked to see and admire him from afar. hihi teenagers! things that we did to embarass ourselves :p

monday and tuesday are always, always busy. i mean, completely bz and tiring. monday's afternoon is always full, and i have my mandarin class that night too. cant complain much, the mandarin class is completely optional and unnecessary, and it was my choice to have it, so be it. 2 hours and a half of learning dozens of new words, new pronunciations that made my tongue curled like never before, and new characters to memorise. i know that learning a new language aint gonna be easy, so cant really complain much. i like the class and i think it is worth every single second and penny that i spend. went back home that night feeling super duper tired, got myself a pair of baggy eyes and slept like there is no tomoro. didnt even wake up for sahur. so, as predicted, i got super duper hungry and lethargic today.

today was another full day. finally my group got picked up for presentation. not that i like to, but every week we have to prepare a presentation for the whole batch and they will have like a draw to determine which 32 groups gonna present. i know we got to do it sooner or later, so better to get it over with asap. it wasnt great, but it wasnt bad either. discovered that dehydration makes you hard to pronounce words huh.

lucky i decided to pull out from the pilates class after realising that the mandarin class gonna take lots of my energy, and the fact that ellina changed her mind too on joining the class, and i dont want to attend alone. altho the mandarin class is just 2 and a half hour session every week, it's the mental consumption that takes lots of my energy. and who got to pay for my tiredness? my long suffering fiance. one thing i now know need to improve: never shout to your other half when you're tired. it's not good.

tomoro is my usual working day. the money is good, i just cant say no. fine. dont even try to argue with me. think i better sleep now if i want to wake up for sahur tonight. dammit, think i'm gonna get a cold. dammit, i have only 1 lemsip left. night..

sleepy head

10/09/2005 11:29:00 PM 0 Comments »
kinda tired at the moment. no, i'm sleepy. stayed up after sahur this morning, to watch F1 live. it's japan's turn this weekend, and being in far east, it makes the live race at 5.20 this morning here in the uk. watched it til the end, and it was all worth every single second. it was one of the best race ever EVER!! seriously. got some accidents, and lots, lots and LOTS of passing manoveures. alonso was good. but raikonen is the best! he started at the 17th grid after having a bad qualifying due to heavy rain, plus 10 place penalty due to an engine change, but he managed to drive his car superbly and passed fisichella at the last lap and won!! what a race, what a race.

stayed up til 8, got a few hours of sleep before heading to tesco to buy some groceries. a bit sleepy, but it just that i got this couple of vouchers that expire today. great. bought some food and lots of junk food an hour later before heading home and cooked for buka posa. murah rezeki plak today, super duper thanks to kak dila (mu'azzah's sis) for the tastiest seri muka ever! can still imagine the faces of ct, ellina and shanti when they had the seri muka. sedap gila. and..and.. our thoughts were with nadine who buka posa sorang2 at carlisle, and..and..for seri muka being one of his fav kuih. teeheehee

yesterday was spent re-arranging my room. again. dah bosan nk mati, dono what to do. it was time well spent. i like it.

well, that's it. seriously i got to sleep now. tomoro is another monday. gonna finish at half 8, after the mandarin class. guess i have to break the fast at the uni. nite...

la la la it's friday, nothing compulsary but i dont have any plan la la la

10/07/2005 01:21:00 PM 0 Comments »
cut my hair this morning. finally. it grew ridiculously long again and i had to tie my hair 24-7 and i knew i had to cut my hair. got myself some fringe, so that when i tie my hair next time, it wouldnt be that jendul.

i'm at med school at the moment. didnt have anything today actually, nothing compulsary. just had a talk about the new base unit application. another hassle. and in 2 hours time there will be group presentation, not my group, so it's not compulsary since we already did the case study the whole week. should i go home? and do what? bosan bosan. maybe i should call ellina. she might be bz. it surprised me when she told me that her timetable this year is busier than mine. i think it's true. well, she's 5th year archi, doing her second degree aka master, so expectedly she is busier than me. since bulan posa, cant go lunch with her.

talked to mama last nite. again, she is such a good conversationer. no surprise that most of my cousins like to talk to her. she's warm, and cool as well. she's stylish, neat, like to wear sport shoes, crazy of nike, plays good bowling and loves going to cinemas. i can tell her everything, from my first crush to personal stuff. but she's a bit panicky. but she's cool. i talked to azali too last night, havent talked to him properly for a week. he's alright. hope to see him soon.

not sure what else to write. havent got time to watch naruto anime, i downloaded the recent 5 series. i have time, but i want to spend good quality time watching stuff that i like. ok, think i'll go to library. if i can stand being there for 1 and a half hour, i'll go to the 3 o'clock presentation. if not, i'll be on my bed, enjoying 5 series of naruto. have a nice weekend ;)

wed's rumbling..

10/05/2005 09:48:00 PM 1 Comment »
penat penat penat

oh ye, selamat berpuasa. here in the uk we started fasting since tuesday, a day earlier than malaysia. like what ellina said, kat cni cloudy semacam pun nampak anak bulan seh.. anyway, this year's puasa is slightly different compared to the past 5 years i'm here. we used to break our fast as early as half 3 in the afternoon due to winter time when the sun sets early, plus the winter time change. but this year, for the first time, ramadhan comes in early october, and the winter time change only take place at the end of october, which means that we dont have early buka posa. this year's ramadhan maghrib is around half 6. rase cam malaysia weh hehe. i know i know i shouldnt complain, but heck, with the 4th year classes are filled with gaps and finished early almost every day, one cannot help but to whinge a little hehe.

mari belajar mandarin. it was a very interesting class indeed. mandarin has 5 tones and the meaning of each word differs in different tone. for example, ma means mother, as well as horse. and it doesnt have any kind of alphabet what so ever; it has characters, and there are 5000++ characters. dont think i want to know all 5000 characters huh. vocab of the week:

xie xie - thank you
bu ke chi - your welcome
huan ing - welcome
huan ing lai dao ing guan - welkam to england (heheh poyo poyo)
heng hau - very good
ta chia - everybody
nu er - daughter
er zi - son
tui pu chi - sorry/excuse me
ching wu ern - excuse me, followed with question
peng iao - friend
xien sheng - husband/mr
tai tai - wife
di di - younger bro
ge ge - older bro (cool... didi and gege hehe)
mei mei - younger sis
jie jie - older sis

cukup aa tuh. wish i could demostrate my writing skill here hehe

enough with mandarin. today i work as usual. the workload was enormous! 6 hours of total concentration, no break what so ever (pekerja contoh ni huh hehe but i do take my job very seriously), yet i couldnt finish it all. sigh. the secretary who i share my office with even said not to push myself too hard, obviously the workload was too much for me to handle it alone. i was a bit frustated, i like to finish the work i started. she said that doesnt always happen in the real world. people like me tend to bring work to home, and that is not good. work will always come, and i'm paid by the hour, and i should take at least 1/2 hour break for a 6 hour work. dono la, maybe i'm not used to do paid work. all i know is that i want my rezeki to be halal, that's all. tak mo makan gaji buta.

ok, gtg. gonna watch Lost now in channel 4. tomoro's timetable is a bit full. c ya :)

bz bz bz

10/03/2005 05:43:00 PM 0 Comments »
such a busy day. well, self-induced bz day actually. cant wait for my first language class. well, not actually my first ever language class, but i have always wanted to learn chinese and here i am, taking chinese language class!

yup, i enrolled into the class, and it is going to start in an hour time. it is a 8-week course, 2 and a half hour session each week, every monday night. it is one of my aim in life to learn chinese and japanese. they have japanese class as well, but i dont want to have extra-ordinarily packed life, with my part-time work every wednesday and pilates class every tuesday night. yup, i enrolled into pilates class as well! only one hour session each week. bz bz bz. i told you right, i function best if i keep myself occupied. now that i'm a member at the uni sport centre, i plan to play consistent badminton as well. dont think i want to join the badminton society at the uni, i dont want to pay the soc fees of 12 pounds, plus i dont know anyone there, but i do like the idea of having a T-shirt with the badminton soc name in front hehe.

so, what happened last week? basically still catching up with ellina, there are always topics for us to discuss and gossip about, went to royal quay, metro centre and ikea in one day and felt our feet numb for walking non-stop, attended my first ever political meeting, cooked mee kari, and of course, bought one or 2 or more or even more (hehe) new stuff. and yeah, nad was back for the weekend and irene too, who came all the way from leicester (do i spell this right?) to spend her weekend in newcastle.

still no news about the visa. they said 70% of applications will be processed within 3 weeks. and i only posted mine last week, so no worry here. but i heard various stories about this visa thingy, so i cant help myself but to worry about it. plus i am not very lucky lately, so anything can happen, right? please please please let it be ok, cos i need it so that i can go back home this christmas. yup, my family begged me to come home this christmas. they never beg me to come home before, never ever, so i knew i have to go home this december, no matter what happens. maybe that's one of the reason i keep myself busy these days with various activities, to keep my mind off things and keep myself from being bored and buy more stuff because of being bored, got what i mean? so, basically, i cant buy the flight ticket until i receive my passport and visa back. plus it ached my heart hearing my mum begging me to come home and i couldnt do anything about it till i receive my visa back.

i know i promised myself to go to blackburn to visit huda when my mara thingy got sorted. well, it has all sorted now, but dont think i can go to see her now. the ticket is bloody expensive. 52 quids. 35 quids with a railcard, and i dont have one. coach? bloody 7-8 hours journey, and it costs 38 quids. tgklah huda, think i'll wait till my visa and flight ticket got sorted, then i'll go and visit you, ok?

ok, gtg. hope i'll enjoy this class. i dont know anyone, i know there will be 12 of us, i hope they are nice people. tomoro i got presentations and tutorial as well, yey, i got my busy and occupied life back la la la. have a productive week :)

sejuk bapak

9/28/2005 09:57:00 PM 0 Comments »
quite a tiring day. wednesday: my work day. and guess what? today i got myself a subordinate.

i remember i started working at that gp surgery last october. then by april they offered me a permanent post. in june i got my own work place and do various nits and bits office work. and now i got a subordinate. cos my work is too much and i couldnt possibly finish it all in 6 hours, so they hire another girl, but she doesnt have the medical knowledge so she cant complete my work, so she has to report to me, once a week. me was like, 'huh?'. sigh. i like this job. but i think i have to quit this dec. after christmas hols, the ssc or student selected components aka the options will start. i'm pretty sure that i wont have wednesday off again. what to do.

my class starts at 11 tomoro la la la. it's quite a full day tomoro, nah, not that full, 11-1pm, 3-5pm. mueh ehehe. maybe i'll find some time to go to the uni job fair tomoro. dono, i'm not trying to find a job, i just want to be there and mingle with people. ha ha.

adoi..pening la plak. maybe cos kene hujan balik keje tadi..

sleepy head..

9/26/2005 11:55:00 PM 0 Comments »
finally i'm settled with the visa application form thingy. what a relief. hope i got the visa, amin.

had quite a full day. seminar and lectures, with sorting out the visa thingy in between, plus doing the case study plus presentation for tomoro. in fact i'm just done with the latter, just killing some time now to wait til it's 8am in malaysia for me to call mama.

weekend was unexpectedly full. met up with the new students, they are so cute and naive and innocent! i can still remember jejak-ing on bumi newcastle in sept 2000, on a wet and cloudy day. i couldnt even remember whether it was day or night! i was a little bit scared, but very very excited indeed. it was a totally whole new world, with whole new adventures. i was a very very naive girl back then.

all i can say is that how bad the weather is here, how heavy the snow will be in winter, how strong the wind will be, like, anytime, newcastle is indeed my second home, and i like being here :)

miss sayang like hell. i want him to come here. but then mama dah seru suh balik this christmas. the winter ticket is double the summer ticket. felt a little reluctant to spend that amount of money. actually i want to spend some time alone with my other half. if he comes here, i got to spend 24 hours a day, times the total day he is here, the most is 9 days. if i go back, tho for 3 weeks, but i got to divide my time between kuantan and ampang. it's exhausting to travel, like every weekend, based on my past experience in malaysia. i like to spend time in kuantan, with the new house that i have not seen, the 1st 3 days will be spent with mama chatting non-stop. food is tasty and cheap. travel is free. but in ampang i got to see the love of my life. i just cant describe how i really really really want to see his face. from his eyes, nose, mouth, basically every single piece of him. i wish i could go somewhere with him, just the 2 of us, like a vacation, while i'm in malaysia. like mama gonna let me go. logically, she shouldnt let me go.


9/24/2005 01:12:00 PM 0 Comments »
ai tgh ngantuk zzz.. last night we played monopoly til 3am and i got to wake up early this morning to join ct jogged. ai ngantuk sih. monopoly last night was fun, except when i got kick out 1st round, meaning me got last place huhu. haha at least now nadine got some contender in the form of a blur girl named ellina haha. and yup, she got 1st place muahaha. but nad played well as well. me? not destined to hold money, at all, even monopoly money. what a sad fate...

yup, woke up early today after just having less than 5 hours sleep to jog around newcastle with ct. the last time i jogged was a few months ago, and ouch, my body hurts like, everywhere. but it was nice tho, to jog in the morning especially today when the sky is all blue and nice.

tgh jeles actually. my family was having an open house today in our new house. tumbang lembu sekor. and everybody was there. talked to mama just now and she told me that she introduced my sis and bros to the guests, mostly my dad's workers, and she introduced azali as well. yup, he was there, in fact, he is still there til tomoro. she said, 'mama ade 4 anak, ko takde, azali la anak mama'. you should heard her talking about azali, puji lambung2 tak ingat bumbung nyer. kenan gile huh. whatever. and azali once wrote in his blog, 'i'm really gald to have fallen in love with the right woman (he called me woman??!!), i like her mum very much.' huh, they think they can replace me with azali? dream on guys, dream on. waaa jeles weh. huhu wish i was there. mama said they even buat khemah depan umah, sebijik cam kenduri kawin, cume takde bunga telur, and of course, no pengantin. huhu wish i was there. oh stop whinging stupid girl haha.

speaking bout pengantin, i found my ultimate wedding theme colour! muahahahaha. lawa nga nga nga hepi hepi. ish tak abis2 drool over weddings..muehehe

hmm what shall i cook today? nad is here, that's a good reason to cook. i like his company, so i dont mind cooking for him. but cook what? hmm. promised to go to netto this afternoon with ellina, so maybe i can buy the ingredients. la la la me got someone to go to shopping with la la la

think i might take a short nap before going to netto. mata dah separuh tutup dah. petang nnt yus, the sport ajk, has organised a somewhat gathering with the new students. i want to go, but i'm still not sure, but just now i just promised mu'azzah to come to the gathering. ok then, i'll go. before that, it's nap time now..

la la la

9/21/2005 02:50:00 PM 0 Comments »
ellina is back! la la la

she brought the stuff that mama kirim, like bilis and cili kering, plus baju raya too! dark turqoise kurung la la la

she also bought the latest pesona pengantin, my fav mag in the world! la la la

she also bought a new kebaya for me! light green la la la

there are another million reasons why i like her coming back hihihi me got my partner in crime back :))

today's wednesday and as usual, i have the whole day free. usually i work today, but since the rest of the week isnt full, so i decided to stay home, keep up with my notes and revisions and have the whole day for myself. i'll work tomoro or friday, where i only have an hour or two lectures. neat.

gonna continue drooling over the wedding magazines. borrowed 3 more from mu'azzah, dont worry i wont drool over yours haha. gile i got 4 fav-mag-in-the-world with me la la la think my saliva gland gonna work extra time for the next few days :p

partial ptosis eyes..

9/19/2005 10:41:00 PM 1 Comment »
such a tiring day. almost flat out.

started today at 10. went to sort out the visa application thingy in between lectures and seminars. almost got it sorted. almost.. but not yet sorted. got to wait a few more support letters.

hate group tutorial. out of 10, only 4 were cared enough to prepare the topic discussed. the other 6 didnt even contribute a thing. and we are supposed to have 3 tutorials each week. i can feel the tension in the group more and more each week.

tomoro gonna have another 2-hour tutorial, plus a presentation. it's my turn this week. shit. gonna present in front of 300 people. think i'm gonna really shit myself this time.

got back to my habit of reading story book before bedtime. nice. got this one nice lil book, 'Weekend in Paris'. i dont read chic book. but this book is alright. i like it. it's very thorough. 2-day experience in a 350++ pages. i wish i can be more spontaneous. just jump on a train or plane one day and just do what the heart tells me. if only i was single. if only i was braver.

weekend was nice. cant remember what i did on saturday. but on sunday i had my first ever carboot visit! never been to any carboot sales before. ade lah jakun kejap. thanks to mu', and her sister, for the nice invitation, plus the nice lunch too! bought myself a picture of moscow's red square for a pound and fifty, the above book for 50p and an electronic foot massager for 3quids! the latter i bought from a sweet lil old couple and i knew i couldnt say no. and now, bless my feet, i have a 30 minutes foot massage at the end of each day.

finally decided on my options. i decided to ditch the MRS thingy and choose a geriatric option instead. i like old people. this is what i want to do. to be able to meet and care for old people, as much as i can.

obviously i'm tired right now. or else i would have mumbled non-stop, describing every second of my days. i do like to write, especially in a story book kind of way, reflecting my thoughts and feelings. if only my english was as good as ct or nadine or hazleena or ahmad, i would have been a novelist :)

mumble jumble

9/16/2005 11:44:00 PM 0 Comments »

i'm very bored at the moment. friday night and no plan at all. nothing what so ever on the tele. nope, not even the extra channels that we have from telewest. it's bloody freezing cold out there, even in my room, with the portable heater on, me wearing my red fleece robe some more, plus socks, yet it's still cold. sejuk gile gile. donno how to emphasize more on the coldness here in newcastle. and it's not yet winter!

nothing else to do but to browse the internet. download the latest naruto anime. dont feel like want to eat. look through argos catalogue that i picked earlier today when i went to buy the bike pump and lock. yup, i finally got a bike! nope, not mine, it's emelynne, my ex-housemate. she is moving to glasgow to continue her postgrad study, and she still got some of her stuff here. she texted me yesterday from malaysia saying that i can use her bike. yee haa! her bike is in a very good condition, just the paddle is a bit high for me (damn you short legs!), but i can still manage. i think it's ok for me to invest on a good bike pump and lock, so that even if emelynne take the bike to glasgow some day, i can still use those pump and lock for my next bike, right?

today was a bit mumble jumble. woke up early to book my options for next sem ie from jan to june next year. yup, we had to book our options online. it was quite an experience; 300 something people browsing the same website, and everybody hope everybody else dont choose the same option as theirs. i have to choose 3 options. and? did i get it all? NnnooOOoooOoo. sob sob. gile betul. serious macam biskut chipsmore. now you see it, now you dont. i didnt get my 2 top choices, even my 2 back-ups choices pun dah abis dikebas org sob sob. i didnt get the obstetrics and palliative meds that i want. i just got pening after that and jumped off the bed to go to library to do some work. need to calm down a lil bit. then on my way to the kitchen, found some bbiiggg trail of slugs. bengang bengang. i think they're preparing some surprise party for you la ellina when you come back this tuesday hehe.

did some work in meds school for a while before checking the options website again. fuh, thought it was going to be a bad day, then someone changed their options and my beloved obstetrics is available again! sorted. but it was only for my 2nd option slot. i still need to choose my 1st one (3rd one being complementary meds). altho the website is opened for the next 10 days, but i need to fill up my final slot, in case i forgot to do so (typical me..pelupa mak nenek). finally i made up my mind, altho it's not finalised (fickle minded!). i like it, in fact i really like it, but i actually had done it before, more or less the same topic, about a few years ago. it's about how the new technique of MR Spectroscopy is used to measure the brain size. last time it was MRS to measure brain tumour for a more precised radiotherapy, this time it's MRS to measure cerebral atropy in Alzheimer's. basically the same stuff. hmm.. shanti said to choose something that i like. i like this one, but i dont think it's very useful for my future, cos it's not very clinical, no patient, just literature review. i like geriatrics ie elderly medicine, but most of them are in faraway hospitals. and being in the 1st slot, meaning jan-feb, meaning winter time, meaning snow and bloody freezing cold. so? shanti said it depends on how much i like the topic for me to willing to travel to the allocated hospital during winter time. comes the complicated mind! wish i could have a simpler mind and just make up my mind, instead of considering A to Z, then Z to A, then -A to -Z blah blah blah.

better change to a more light and random stuff:

finally, finally, FINALLY some news from mara. any news is better than no news.

britney gave birth to a son! nice. i always like britney. go britney! yeah yeah

missing sayang like hell. really really REALLY miss him sob sob sob..the nearest possible time for me to see him is this dec. hopefully!

finally got some pics of my new home in kuantan! i think it's a nice house. not too big, not too small, just nice. my parents like it very much, they put all their effort, idea, everything to the house. lots of chocolate, i mean the colour, cos mama is crazy of chocolate. open planning like what abah always want. big big berandah, cos they like to lepak2 kat luar sambil minum kopi petang2. big big lawn for abah's various projects. they are having an open house next weekend, they invite everybody, even tukang masak of their fav gerai kat kuantan pun got invited, and i wish i could be there..

want to watch pride and prejudice. i like kiera knightley. dah la ade mamat hensem. but everybody is quite busy at the moment. maybe i'll wait for ellina. or maybe i'll watch it tomoro, along with Bewitched, the movie which i longed to watch.

printed out the visa application form. me so like procastinating. got scold from the lady in student advice centre, yeah, think i deserved it, i should have at least sorted out the forms earlier.

found my fav kuaci from tsang's food (kedai cina here in newcastle). it's the red packet, sunflower seed aka kuaci. best gile. i learnt to eat it from kak lysa back in malaysia, and believe me, once you start, you cant stop!

talked to my bestest friend in the whole wide world yesterday night! and i'm not exaggerating. she's the dearest of all and i miss her so much. i promise myself to buy the 1st ticket to blackburn when i got the money from mara. hope to see you soon, huda :)))))

damn, forgot to get rid of emelynne stuff from ellina room. better do that tomoro. hope i remember this time :s

seriously need to cut my ridiculously long hair. it's all over the place now. i want it short, but dont think it suits my round face. arghh need rebonding! i'm no one without rebonding. ok..a bit overstatement heheh

siew yin is getting married! she is an ex-flatmate of mine. she'll be getting married on 22 oct somewhere in jesmond. cant wait to see the blushing bride!

it's a long entry, isnt it. i know. i just type and type and type and b4 i know it, it's like a few thousand words essay. apologise. dono la, suka sgt tulis lately. maybe cos i dont have anyone to talk to..sedih tak? anyway, enough of me, nighty night to you all. have a nice weekend.

raining thursday..

9/15/2005 01:15:00 PM 0 Comments »
i'm at the old library computer cluster again. just finished my tutorial. it's 1.12pm now, and the next lecture is at 3, plus it's raining outside, so no point of me going back home. tapi ape nk buat skrg? i hate time between lectures. yeah yeah go to library blah blah blah.

i thought of checking a bike store near central stn, but it's raining now, so not a very good idea then. seriously need to find a bike. and seriously need to find something to eat for lunch. brought some biscuits but dont feel like i want to eat biscuits.

bosan bosan bosan.

not sure what to do nowadays.

and for the first time, i'm not sure what to write. my life is that boring.


9/13/2005 12:35:00 AM 0 Comments »
i'm at the old library computer cluster now. just finished my tutorial at ridley building and singgah sekejap at this uni cluster before i head for town. i got tired with walking so i thought today i catch the bus. today's discussion group was so-so. i dont want to be labelled as the lazy or the dumb or the quiet one, so i prepared my stuff the night before. but some of them did not take this group discussion serious enough. or is it me who take this too seriously? well, no harm done if i prepare my stuff beforehand as long as i dont bising2 or act like miss-know-it-all during the discussion right? it's our group's turn to present this week, but nearly half of the group wont even present on the presentation day itself! talk about group spirit.

anyway, yesterday i got a migrane. something that i havent had for about 2 years, i think, thanks to the beta-blocker that i take for the anxiety, which also acts as a prophylaxis for migrane. i usually have some signs before each attack, like blurred vision, with or without scotomas (betul..can see flying flashing yellow dots), and this time my vision got blurred, i had some difficulties to write and read my handwriting. but yesterday i just ignored the sign, i really wanted to stay in the library to do some work between the lectures. alas, it got worse, and i had to walk home with a very bad vision and a throbbing ache at the back of my right head. until now i am still not sure what triggers it on.

i used to have quite severe episodes of migrane in the past. one that i remember was about 3 years ago when azali came to visit me in newcastle. me and azali werent a couple yet at that time. he came to newcastle in the morning, and i had this massive throbbing pain in my right head, so severe i thought my right eye could have came out of its socket. i laid on the bed, in full pain, for 10 hours. think i took about 6 paracetamol kot, plus ubat batuk, ubat selsema etc, basically all the ubat that i had at that time. i tried everything to ease the pain but nothing worked. finally, i just laid on the bed, feeling very sick, half-mabuk with all the drugs that i took, with azali sitting on the floor next to the bed. i couldnt remember what happen after that, i must have slept, and when i opened my eyes again, i saw his face, looking very concern, and i knew he stayed awake all the time, worrying about me.

so yesterday, i went back home, the headache got worse, i couldnt even see the doorknob, took some paracetamol and the beta blocker, changed into my pyjamas, closed the curtain, locked the door, and tried to sleep. luckily the house was quiet and i had a pleasant rest. woke up a few hours later, feeling much better, walked back to meds school for the 4 o'clock lecture. luckily the migrane wasnt that bad this time.

it's 12.30 at the moment, think i'll just pusing2 town before heading back to meds school for the 2 o'clock lecture. i'll be working tomoro at the usual place in monkseaton. not sure what to eat for lunch. i'm not that hungry, but i bet my stomach will start growling in the middle of lectures. cant wait for ellina to come back from malaysia next tuesday. i promise to get rid of emelynne's stuff in her room, think i'll do that tonite, if not this weekend, before she comes back. not sure what to eat for dinner. i dont want to cook. maybe i'll buy a big lunch and save some of it for dinner haha. have a nice day.

her weekend

9/11/2005 11:43:00 PM 3 Comments »
super bapak malas. that is how i describe my weekend.

think i'm gonna die of laziness. seriously. or maybe for being so fat. oh i'm so fat. officially fat huhu.

it rained all day on saturday. i didnt have a mood to do anything, but i knew i had to get out of the house. planned to meet up with mu'azzah but she wasnt well so i went to town alone. but the town was so packed due to a football match, mind you, our stadium is in the town itself, so ramai gile org pakai baju hitam putih (newcastle's jersey colour) so i went to metro centre. saja jalan2, makan a shopping mall...always works for me hihi. didnt buy anything, duit pun tade, just nk jalan2. went out for a few hours, bought some millie cookies and that was my dinner. see, i dont have much appetite nowadays, but still, i eat a looottt. fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.

the weather was alrite today. still a bit cold, but at least it was dry. met up with mu'azzah in starbucks later in the afternoon. before that i catched Belgian F1 over ITV1 to watch kimi raikonen won. i dont mind whoever won, as long as it's not michael schumacher haha. i hope next time McLaren gets 1-2 podium positions cos they deserve it man. they got the best cars out there. anyway i met up with mu'azzah later and hell i had enjoyed myself. it was good to catch up with her after a few months, changing news and gossips. it was good to see her happy again.

started my wedding scrap book project. hell it took longer time than i initially thought. well, i'm not in a rush, it's a self project, not an assignment, it's supposed to be fun loh so no pressure to myself, i can finish it later or do it whenever i got free time. gosh woman, you certainly have some issue regarding expectation, havent you? it's supposed to be your hobby ie things that you enjoy doing when you have some spare time, not a one-off thing. hmm a reminder to myself.

need to call sayang soon. really miss him badly, and i really really want to see his face.

tomoro's timetable: 1 hour lecture in the morning and in the afternoon, both are which they already gave out the handouts on friday. are they kidding us or what? like anyone gonna turn up. maybe someone like me gonna turn up. someone like me who felt very guilty over the laziness of her weekend that she thought she needs to come to both lectures and do some work at the library in between lectures. think she'll do that. good for her. do pity her. have a productive week!

new template ;)

9/09/2005 11:10:00 PM 4 Comments »
as you have seen, my blog has a new template. me got bored with the old one, think i want a lighter background this time. this one wasnt my first choice tho, the first choice wasnt created for blogspot, and no, i didnt do the template myself. i just surfed the internet, looking for free templates haha. so, my first choice wasnt created for blogspot, and i had to do lots of modification and then i got bored after the first 2 hours, went back to blogspot dot com and chose one of the ready-made templates there. so here is my 4th templates.

autumn has officially arrived in newcastle. it rained heavily all day, in fact it still rains when i write this entry. and my timetable today hasnt been the best either. had a session at 10.30 til 10.50am (? - dont ask) at meds school before some lectures from 3 to 5pm in the afternoon. in between? if it was 1 or 2 hours, i'll just go hanging out somewhere, but 4 hours? me walked back home. hujan lebat. then at half 2, me walked again to meds school. hujan lagi lagi lebat. i sat in the lecture theatre, soaked wet, for 2 hours. yup, i did have the umbrella plus the hat.

what else? PMS of the month --> paranoia. seriously think that the world is comploting to hate and destroy me slowly., painfully but surely. but since my insight is (very) good, i dont think it can be called paranoia. again, whatever, it's all in my head.

this week has been veryyy slow. nad said i felt that way because i just had my summer break and that it is normal to feel like that on the 1st week. 4th year is weird. i had a full and tense 3rd year, 9-5 almost every day every week, tests and presentations almost every week. then 4th year? 1 hour Monday morning. 1 hour Monday afternoon. Tuesday 2-5pm. Free for the whole Wednesday. Thursday 10-1pm. Friday 10-11am, 3-5pm. what?

i need to find my routine. i need to be organised and adapt to these changes asap. i work best when i'm packed and full and busy. yah, i need to do that.

i also need to improve my social life. i dont mean go hu-ha hu-ha, party-party, i mean to meet new people, learn something new and useful and develop a good hobby and improve my social and communication skills. shanti learnt yoga, judo and salsa last year when she was in 4th year. i want to do something that i enjoy. i've decided on a couple of things. 1st, i want to make a scrap book of all the wedding stuff that i've collected so far. i know it's not as exciting as salsa, but i like weddings; from the dresses, to pelamins, bunga telur, hantaran, cakes, bed etc. i know i dont have much magazine materials here in the uk, but that doesnt stop me from starting my scrap book project.

2ndly, i want to enrol at the language centre. i want to learn a new language, chinese maybe, and maybe japanese as well, if i have time. it's 25quids each language, and i think i can squeeze myself into their 2 hour-per week sessions. well, that's the plan.

i'm not very sporty, so i cant see the benefit of me joining the sport centre. plus shanti said that the fee is much much more than last year.

cant think of anything else to write. it's really cold right now, and i wish for that someone to hug me tight under the duvet right now ;P you know who you are hihi. have a nice weekend

half day on wednesday la la la

9/07/2005 11:25:00 AM 1 Comment »

i'm at the med school computer cluster at the moment. i usually prefer blogging in my home, using my own laptop, and be in a more private setting. but today, nah, i thought a change in venue may be good.

it's the 3rd day of the course, and it's been good so far. i try my best to overcome my group discussion phobia, and it went orait, after a bit of help with the beta blocker. my group is typical; there is a serious one, studious one, quiet one, joker one, not-too-enthutiastic one, loud one etc. i guess everyone is still getting to know one another.

i dont like my previous entry. hmm.. next time i'll not get near a computer whenever i'm angry or pissed off. when i'm angry, i'm not good. evil, i may say. i say hurtful things. i'll complaint, complaint, complaint, and whinge, whinge, whinge, and nag, nag, nag, blah blah blah. well, terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kate badan binasa. fine.

my insight is good. way too good, i think.

i need a bike. seriously. i simply cannot walk to meds school 5 days a week. ok, 4 days a week. it's a mile in one way, that's 25 minutes walking. that makes me walking 1 hour everyday. lenguh tulang pinggul ambo. carboot, where are tho? tak pernah pegi weh. blyth? that's a long way to go. i need a bike weh.

came across this pic when i browsed the internet yesterday. i think the batch below me, ie ellina's batch, there are more beautiful girls with brains. serious. came across some really stunning girls, malay girls, mostly i know just by names but havent actually met in person, and they got brains too! think it's not fair to put down their names, but they are just stunning.

the pic below i found it in lini's fotopages. she is a year below me. i only spoke to her once, i think, while in kmys, when i tried to sell some tuna sandwiches for my house, ie house B. i heard quite some khabar angin about her, but then again, it's not fair for me to judge her since i only spoke to her once. the guy, mizan, was my batch's president. he did a huge huge favour for me last time, and i got huge huge respect for this guy. he is a nice guy. they got engaged last june, i think. i hope it's ok for me to put their pic here, i simply like engagement/wedding pics, and i particularly like lini's dress. they looked so suuwwiittt together i think.

suwwiiitt..lini & mizan on their engagement ceremony last june...suuwwiiittt aaahhh...i hope i wont get into any trouble by putting their pic here. hope they dont have the 'hak cipta berpelihara' thing.

another day..

9/05/2005 06:02:00 PM 4 Comments »
sial nyer mara.

just when i thought i had a good day, then mara spoilt it all.

i havent received mara's allowance for 4 months now. it was expected, as my old contract ended this year, cos i was supposed to graduate this year kan. mara said no worry, cos i had a good reason to take a year out last year, they asked me to reapply again asap, which i did last march. so when the scholarship ended last june, i contacted mara london and they said that mara kl already approved my re-application and that mara london is waiting for bahagian perakaunan mara kl to inform mara london. that was 4 months ago. my parents are tired of waiting so they contacted a friend who works in mara kl to ask about my situation. and just now my dad called me saying that their mara kl's friend said that i should reapply and that they didnt receive my reapplication at all.

bloody hell. feel like my head gonna explode.

it is mara kl's. i contact mara london, like every 2 weeks, and they confirmed that mara kl has already approved my application. i reapplied last march, and they approved on april. and on june the scholarship stopped, and until now, sept, i havent received a single penny. see, i tried my best to follow the procedure, and i did what i had been told. i know i had a 'slope' last couple of years, and i accepted the consequences, i followed what i had been told, i reapplied, passed my exams and didnt complain of 4 months of penniless.

one of my friends was in a similiar situation as i am, he didnt even reapply as early as i was, he went back to malaysia on summer, panjat bangunan mara and faced pegawai mara for a few hours, and tada, he got his allowance at that end of the month. not fair. no, obviously it was good for him, as he is a nice guy, but what about me who followed everything like in the book, did what being told, me who doesnt go and face the pegawai mara kl myself cos i dont have the money to go back, and then my application is placed at the bottom of the shelf? imagine if my parents dont have a friend in mara kl? and i wait and wait and wait for months, just to find out that they didnt even receive my application and i'm back to square one?

i didnt ask to be here. if i can, i wanna go home. i'm not the type of person who lurvveees being in the uk, leh hu-ha hu-ha, joli sakan with friends, idup bebas etc. i dont want to further complain my life in newcastle as i should be grateful for having the opportunity to be here blah blah blah, but honestly, i dont want to be here. i have to be here. it's the only road that i have, believe me, i've tried to find alternative routes, but being here i have to. no question there, no further complaint, i'm trying hard, really hard to focus on my life again now i'm finally on track again, i received, accepted and paid for the consequences of what i did in the past, so stop it. just stop it.

you want to know now why i'm being a pathetic anti-social, who is shy and prefers to keep things to herself? not because i'm shy, you stupid, everyone who knows me know that i'm not shy nor quiet. i am embarassed. of my life. for all i did in the past, it was embarasing, and i dont want people to know cos i thought if they know, they wouldnt like me. they wouldnt even want to know me. you should have seen those eyes when they heard 'repeating student. failed her exams. twice. what a stupid girl. you shouldnt be here. what a stupid girl'. their eyes say it all. '25 years old. still got half way her course, when everybody in her age have already worked, or at least graduated. what a stupid, stupid girl'. their eyes say it all.

and today is my first day as a 4th year student. what to know what inside my mind? i dont think i can do it, it looks hard, i dont think i'm capable to pass. when i sat in the lecture theatre this morning, i thought, gosh, me sitting with all these brilliant people? i was so honoured, and speechless. i dont even think i'm qualified to sit in the same lecture theatre as them. and i just sat there, remained as quiet as i can, trying not to shaken to much.

but as usual, i cope. met some brilliant friends, old and new. my thought yesterday was 'how am i going to cope 4th year? i dont know anyone. i only know 25 people from my old hosp group, and some of them didnt even talk to me, so how am i going to cope now with 300 new faces? no one knew me. 'i'll cope', i said to myself last night, i always cope. i've waited for 2 years to be in 4th year, and now it finally there. 'just pick yourself together, you've been in much worse senario before, and you'll be fine'.

met some old malaysian friends. they accepted me in their group, all non-malay. one malaysian chinese guy asked me whether i'm chinese. i was speechless. no, i'm honoured. you see, i have this ridicilous aim in life, that is to be as chinese as i can. dont ask why. before this it was british, or china's chinese or japanese who thought i was a chinese. but a malaysian chinese? i'm honoured. that surely brighten my day. they seem nice. all of them. i think they are a bunch of nice people.

then suddenly more and more faces become familiar. some are friend's friend, some are friend's friend's friend, some are old acquintances, and they remembered me! they smiled, and waved, and we chatted. i thought i would be alone on my 1st day, but it turned out to be ok. i even like my small tutorial group. it still early days, but they looked fine.

it's another day of my life. see, i'm pretty good at comforting myself. there's no use of me sharing my problem, i dont like assurance nor compliments like 'oh, you'll be fine', 'oh, dont worry, everything's fine', 'i know you're good, elly'. all are bullshits. they dont know me, and how can they say that? so i usually comfort myself. i've been in a much much worse senario before, and i got through it, so i know i'll be fine this time. amin.