another day..

9/05/2005 06:02:00 PM 4 Comments »
sial nyer mara.

just when i thought i had a good day, then mara spoilt it all.

i havent received mara's allowance for 4 months now. it was expected, as my old contract ended this year, cos i was supposed to graduate this year kan. mara said no worry, cos i had a good reason to take a year out last year, they asked me to reapply again asap, which i did last march. so when the scholarship ended last june, i contacted mara london and they said that mara kl already approved my re-application and that mara london is waiting for bahagian perakaunan mara kl to inform mara london. that was 4 months ago. my parents are tired of waiting so they contacted a friend who works in mara kl to ask about my situation. and just now my dad called me saying that their mara kl's friend said that i should reapply and that they didnt receive my reapplication at all.

bloody hell. feel like my head gonna explode.

it is mara kl's. i contact mara london, like every 2 weeks, and they confirmed that mara kl has already approved my application. i reapplied last march, and they approved on april. and on june the scholarship stopped, and until now, sept, i havent received a single penny. see, i tried my best to follow the procedure, and i did what i had been told. i know i had a 'slope' last couple of years, and i accepted the consequences, i followed what i had been told, i reapplied, passed my exams and didnt complain of 4 months of penniless.

one of my friends was in a similiar situation as i am, he didnt even reapply as early as i was, he went back to malaysia on summer, panjat bangunan mara and faced pegawai mara for a few hours, and tada, he got his allowance at that end of the month. not fair. no, obviously it was good for him, as he is a nice guy, but what about me who followed everything like in the book, did what being told, me who doesnt go and face the pegawai mara kl myself cos i dont have the money to go back, and then my application is placed at the bottom of the shelf? imagine if my parents dont have a friend in mara kl? and i wait and wait and wait for months, just to find out that they didnt even receive my application and i'm back to square one?

i didnt ask to be here. if i can, i wanna go home. i'm not the type of person who lurvveees being in the uk, leh hu-ha hu-ha, joli sakan with friends, idup bebas etc. i dont want to further complain my life in newcastle as i should be grateful for having the opportunity to be here blah blah blah, but honestly, i dont want to be here. i have to be here. it's the only road that i have, believe me, i've tried to find alternative routes, but being here i have to. no question there, no further complaint, i'm trying hard, really hard to focus on my life again now i'm finally on track again, i received, accepted and paid for the consequences of what i did in the past, so stop it. just stop it.

you want to know now why i'm being a pathetic anti-social, who is shy and prefers to keep things to herself? not because i'm shy, you stupid, everyone who knows me know that i'm not shy nor quiet. i am embarassed. of my life. for all i did in the past, it was embarasing, and i dont want people to know cos i thought if they know, they wouldnt like me. they wouldnt even want to know me. you should have seen those eyes when they heard 'repeating student. failed her exams. twice. what a stupid girl. you shouldnt be here. what a stupid girl'. their eyes say it all. '25 years old. still got half way her course, when everybody in her age have already worked, or at least graduated. what a stupid, stupid girl'. their eyes say it all.

and today is my first day as a 4th year student. what to know what inside my mind? i dont think i can do it, it looks hard, i dont think i'm capable to pass. when i sat in the lecture theatre this morning, i thought, gosh, me sitting with all these brilliant people? i was so honoured, and speechless. i dont even think i'm qualified to sit in the same lecture theatre as them. and i just sat there, remained as quiet as i can, trying not to shaken to much.

but as usual, i cope. met some brilliant friends, old and new. my thought yesterday was 'how am i going to cope 4th year? i dont know anyone. i only know 25 people from my old hosp group, and some of them didnt even talk to me, so how am i going to cope now with 300 new faces? no one knew me. 'i'll cope', i said to myself last night, i always cope. i've waited for 2 years to be in 4th year, and now it finally there. 'just pick yourself together, you've been in much worse senario before, and you'll be fine'.

met some old malaysian friends. they accepted me in their group, all non-malay. one malaysian chinese guy asked me whether i'm chinese. i was speechless. no, i'm honoured. you see, i have this ridicilous aim in life, that is to be as chinese as i can. dont ask why. before this it was british, or china's chinese or japanese who thought i was a chinese. but a malaysian chinese? i'm honoured. that surely brighten my day. they seem nice. all of them. i think they are a bunch of nice people.

then suddenly more and more faces become familiar. some are friend's friend, some are friend's friend's friend, some are old acquintances, and they remembered me! they smiled, and waved, and we chatted. i thought i would be alone on my 1st day, but it turned out to be ok. i even like my small tutorial group. it still early days, but they looked fine.

it's another day of my life. see, i'm pretty good at comforting myself. there's no use of me sharing my problem, i dont like assurance nor compliments like 'oh, you'll be fine', 'oh, dont worry, everything's fine', 'i know you're good, elly'. all are bullshits. they dont know me, and how can they say that? so i usually comfort myself. i've been in a much much worse senario before, and i got through it, so i know i'll be fine this time. amin.


Christian Zenis said...

No siempre las cosas son como uno quiere, lo importante es disfruter la vida! =)

Not ever all the thinks are how we wanna we they was about, the importante thing is enjoy the life! =)

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DeLiRiuM said...

Well, you've made it so far and that proves that you have what it takes. That goes a long way in proving a great many things, and what's important is how you see things yourself rather than what others do. But I'm sure you know that already. And you do seem to get weird comments on your blog!