11/04/2005 12:33:00 PM 1 Comment »
mode: moody. bloody fucking moody

seems like everything annoys me. from the weather, to hari raya, to the people i met, to the classes, to the retail therapy that used to get rid of my bad mood. well, not anymore. i cant seem to find it enjoyable anymore.

you see, it's hari raya. i celebrate it like what i did previous years. i woke up like usual, went to class like usual, did my routine like usual. it's not possible for me to cook with my weekday routine, plus i have housemates who has major exams, or presentations or projects. it doesnt matter whether it's major or not, but basically us overseas student dont have the leisure of public holiday on hari raya. the most i can do is to cook on the weekend. but this one guy said 'ntah la, saya tak tahu la macam mane awak sambut hari raya kat sane..'. bloody hell. what do you want me to do? visit kubur? pakai baju kurung? i'm bloody annoyed.

i do appreciate ramadhan and syawal. i called my parents and seeked for their forgiveness. i called my sister and brothers to wish them hari raya. i couldnt go to solat raya cos i had classes that morning. i'm truly happy that syawal is here. what else to you expect me to do?

i'm also annoyed with the total minutes that i used to call malaysia. i calculated them from the previous 3 months phone bills. teka aa how many minutes i used to call malaysia, especially him. bloody freaking 1100++ minutes every month!! bloody hell. yet he accused me of abandoning him? ....rase nk pecah kepala bengang. yet when i called him yesterday he didnt sound pleased. ?? cos i didnt call him on 1st day of raya. ??. bloody hell. bloody freaking hell. pissed off gile2 babi nyer. fine, i can go visit other people's houses, those postgrad's who i only met once a year. but i dont want to. i still can remember the way they treated us 2 years ago, undergrad who doesnt wear scarf. mati hidup balik i wont go there again.

bet he gonna say, 'abis tu, pakai aa tudung tu'.

.................... . .

i'm sick of trying to be nice. i am what i am. when he met me, i never show him any other face except myself. i'm no nice, no girly2, but i'm no rude. just me. the real me. and he seemed to accept me. obviously 5 years are not enough to know someone. he wants me to change. i'll change when i want to, if necessary, obviously no one perfect, but he asked something that is impossible, and i bloody bloody hate being told what to do. it's the same old story, i'm not nice enough to him, even my family starts to back him up. bloody hell. did i not use the word bodoh before you tell me you like me? did we not agree that tv is very important for both of us? bloody stupid things.

fine. FINE.

then i tried to do some retail therapy to soothe my anger. bloody hell. there's nothing for me to buy. nothing seems to satisfy me. not handbag, not shoes, not clothes, not nine west. all seem so freakin dull. this annoys me even more.

still no news about visa. a friend told me that sept-oct are peak seasons for visa renewal so it will take more time for them to settle it. that's good news, and bad news. good news cos now i know it's not lost in the postage, or got delayed or rejected. bad news is that it can still be lost in the postage, or got delayed or rejected, or they gonna settle it way too late for me to buy ticket to go back home this early december. i just cant be bothered about it anymore. if i manage to get the visa and go back home this dec, that'll be great. if not, i'll buy myself an ipod mini. along with its speaker.

obviously i'm not in the best of mood. fine, i know the world doesnt evolve around me, and i have to consider other people's mood as well. today is another day. just finished a dermalogical suture session. guess what. they used pig meat to practice suturing. of course i didnt do it. i just watched. but i dont like it when they all make a big fuss about it. 'are you ok with it?' like 5 people asked me that. i know my limitation, i cant touch those pig meat, so i just watched. plus i bloody hate gloves. do i have to tell everyone why oh why i hate gloves? my own freaking business. i just hate gloves. do i need a reason for hating gloves? fine, i'm a freak, so what does it have to do with you? i just hate fucking gloves.

i bet he will say 'oh haram babi tu, abis kenapa dtg kelas tu?'. cos it's a damn important class. i need to know the suture technique. i watched, and i learnt, and i practice at home. dont tell me what my boundaries and limitations are. i know how to take care of myself and stop telling me what to do. and stop using that voice tone ever again.

fine. fucking FINE. better log off now before i curse more bad words. bet there will be some big war when he read this. you know what. i dont fucking care. you promised to accept me just the way i am, and you know me the most so you know i dont like being told what to do, being sarcastic, being provoked. i cant seem to talk to you now without fearing offending you. i hate being two-face. i cant. i dont want to. you pressed the wrong button man. damn wrong button.


Ahmad said...

ain't gonna tell you what to do. Never could presume to do so. Just wanted to say selamat hari raya & maaf zahir batin; and I'm honoured that you think of me as a friend, even though we never talked much in all those years of schooling together. And just sabar la. You've got a good thing going here.

Take care.