a fine day and i am happy :)

1/29/2005 10:08:00 PM 7 Comments »
such a nice day la la la :)

had a good sleep last night. was woken up by a phone call from mr monkey. smile smile. just thinking of him makes me smile. rindunye! gosh, i really really like this guy and i cant believe it! hehehe. we've been together for almost 3 years now (tho he has been my friend for 5+ years) and my feeling for him tak pernah luntur. (dreamy eyes)...my mr monkey :D.... cukuplah tu..i guess someone dah muntah hijau dah hehe.

went to work this morning and was happy to see dave in good mood. dave is the practise manager at the gp surgery where i work. he can be moody and asks lotsa questions sometimes, but today he's fine. i managed to do 10 records today, that's an extra 60quids in my pay cheque! will due to receive a 250++quid cheque next week and am so happy :) of course.

decided to go to royal quay after work, since it is just 3 metro (like lrt) stations away from the surgery. and the weather...perfect! i seldom use this term, but today's weather was charming. there was some sun, not too much, and the wind was just nice. and the coast, my god, was soo beautiful! the metro railway runs along the beach, about 100+ metres from it and you can see the blue sea. with the seagulls and calming wind, i couldnt help but to think of kak lysa. a beach lover, my sis is.

today is such a fine day.

arrived at royal quays at about half 2. teka aa royal quays tu ape? a place full of factory outlets shops! hehe. it's the last weekend of winter sales, and you couldnt get any cheaper anywhere else. i bought a very nice short jacket from mexx, my god, it's soo nice, with collar bulu2 lagi hihi. got a nice red nike t-shirt for iwan for 3quids! then i spent about an hour in body shop. i dont know la, but lately i got addicted with body shop's toiletries, like the shower gel and body lotion. it all started when mr monkey gave me a whole set of strawberry toiletries from body shop as part of the engagement hantarans. i liked it so much. then when i came back to uk, i discovered that they are cheaper and affordable here. first i bought the melon seed's shower gel and lotion (simpan woo strawberry nyer...sayang nk guna, mr monkey yg kasi hihi). then i bought satsuma. then lavendar. then mango+peach. and today i bought rose and dewberry! bestnyer. everyday i can choose what flavour i feel want to use that day :). fruity tutty or flowery scent?

finished my tour in royal quays at about 5 but i felt energetic. i can go anywhere, with my favourite pair of snickers, the 2-year-old-size-3-ever-so-comfy sketchers of mine. plus my favourite black jacket, i just like the cutting and length, it's midway between knee and bum, so it's not too short nor too long, and the coat's waist is slightly above the normal waist line, like in 70's cut, so the coat is quite cute to wear. and i got my favourite pair of jeans, i bought it 2 months ago and it has became my favourite jeans ever since. it's boot cut with good leg length and someone told me it makes my bum look smaller. very nice. then i got my sling bag. i'm a true lover of sling bags, i always like it, it makes my hands free. i dont prefer backpack, i always curious about having my purse at a place where i cant feel or see. shoulder bag, cant do, i got weak shoulders. so today i got my favourite red sling bag. + a hat in case it rains. + a bottle of water. + some biscuits, chocolate biscuits prefered, in case i got hypoglycaemic. + my purse, of course. with all the things above, i can practically go anywhere, sehari suntuk pun i boleh. so, after i finished royal quay, i decided to go to metro centre plak ahaha.

it's nice to walk by myself. i like it. but dont get me wrong, i do love company, esp my beloved friends (you know who you are hihi). being alone in a half and hour journey in the metro makes one think of lotsa things. walking alone on a busy mall makes one observe. and think. and appreciate more for one's surrounding. i like to walk alone, and talk to myself, silently la of course, and appreciate the weather, the people and the world. i like it.

at metro centre i managed to buy some more sale items hihi. i dont feel guilty, which i like, cos they are all sale items and i know i cant get cheaper elsewhere, plus i know i will use them. plus i know next week i'll gonna get my pay cheque *grin. then my housemates called to ask me to join them watch some movie at odeon. it's nice when someone remembers you. but unfortunately i couldnt join them as i was too tired walking all day. i went back home and ate yesterday's leftover. i like that. honestly. i dont have to cook, nor do i have to spend some money for dinner. then the long-awaited naruto manga 2nd session has just comeout on the net. naruto dah besar! new image! sakura in boots! wondering about sasuke. bet he got new image as well. it's 2 and a half year since their last meeting. everyone has grown up! cool.

so here i am sitting in front of my laptop. my housemates had just came back from the cinema and knocked on my door to know whether i'm in or not. i feel blessed. you dont know how grateful i am right now. such a fine day :)

sleepy head = rubbish blog haha

1/28/2005 01:52:00 PM 0 Comments »
'A newcomer you meet or some not so subtle changes in a platonic relationship stir things up in your love life. A powerful sexual attraction has developed between you and another but to pursue this could put an existing union in jeopardy. Granted someone knows how to make you feel appreciated and desirable but fires of passion could burn out as quickly as they ignited. If you are the type of Leo who needs a long lasting and loyal relationship, turn your back on sexy temptation'

interesting. yup, it's my daily horoscope. very interesting one this time. hmm..yup, i do think i want a long lasting and loyal relationship, so lets just forget about that guy from my hosp group (yup, i dont socialise much, other people who i met are from my hosp group duh). that guy is sooo damn cute kuasa 10. his name is Matt, and my other groupmates said that he gonna ask me out soon. duh? not sure i believe that. but for sure, i didnt show ANY interest what so ever. i am indeed a loyal person, like what my mum said last summer. nope, that guy, or any other guy, do not have any chance against my mr monkey hehe. i think huda's theory of 'attached girls' is true haha. quite true. just a couple of months after i got serious with mr monkey, someone i knew and liked told me that he liked me. ayo. terlambat lah pakcik. my heart is already taken haha.

obviously, i am quite (very) sleepy right now and thus write rubbish.

but my point is that i'm not the type of person who would just grab anyone who likes me. the fact that i'm taken makes it more sense and clearer. definitely not the type of person who will still go out with other guys although she already has a bf, just because the 2nd guy is richer or more romantic or better looking (or perhaps, worse looking? hehe chenta buta). well, it's their life, and i am wondering now why do i write this nonsense? maybe because they boast about having more than 1 admirer? hahaha. even an ugly girl like me have that, but we dont boast lah haha (well, maybe just tonite :p) apologise to those who eat chillies (??). i need to get some sleep. taaaa..zzzzz

confusion + anxious = sleepness nights

1/25/2005 11:00:00 PM 0 Comments »

Prince Edward Island, Canada


it’s not that far from the UK, but a flight from london takes up to 20 hours to reach charlottetown, PEI, canada. obviously there is no direct flight from London, it has to go via montreal to reach my island of dreams. i am rather confused. and concerned. i was asked by Nad whether i was serious about this elective trip to PEI, canada. am i serious? i don’t know. you see, i am rather weak in my judgement and estimation. my heart sometimes overtakes my head.

when i read harry potter, i was really really absorbed into it. i felt it so real. and my mind, at some point, believed that he exists. and i bought lots of his mechandise, from duvet cover to calendar, posters to notes books, files to mouse pads, pencil cases and even my wallpaper was him! people may observed me as an obsessed fan, but believe me, it was more than that. he was REAL, to my mind. i was so convinced.

between june and sept 2001, i was really really convinced that i hate/dislike/despise this one guy. i really hate his presence in my life. what did I do? i did what every girl does, ie ditch him. i was convinced that was the best action. apparently not. 6 months later i begged him to come back and we were together again exactly 1 year after i dumped him and thank god we are still together now and even had an engagement ceremony last summer. magic? it was indeed a miracle.

what is it with my mind? i know ppl makes bad judgement or decision from time to time, but for me, i felt so convinced with what i felt at that time. it felt so damn real, only to regret it in a few months time. my conclusion is that because i like to see things in black or white. i don’t like things that are in between. like my feeling with azali, i don’t like uncertainty. it was either like him or loathe him. be with him, or be without him. for me, time is precious. too precious to spend it to think whether i like him or not. TAK SABAR. obviously love takes time to grow (well, that’s in my case, me definitely not a love-at-first-sight type of person).

same like in HP. i wanted to believe that he exists, and there cant be anything in between. like how i wrote about my loath to one girl in my hosp group just a few months ago. i really really hate her at that time. apparently not. presently, i realised what a mistake i made and she is a nice person actually. i felt bad for treating her (very) badly before this. again, i had to decide to like her or hate her. nothing comes in between. it's either black or white. no grey. no time.

back to my point. am i serious to go to PEI for elective? right now, it felt so real. i really really want to go there and do my elective and i'm determined to do that. but from my previous misjudgement, i'm not convinced whether i'm serious or not. is it just my overwhelming feeling? let me just pour down some thoughts that i had just now.

i want to go there. i think this is my last chance to do things that i want to do. not that i cant do what i want to do now, but chances are that i will be getting married right after i got my degree and then life goes on with my official other half. everything then has to go through 2 heads. then comes the children. then comes the morgages. bla bla bla. seriously, i cant see myself in having another chance to do any adventurous stuff that i've always wanted to do. i want to see the world (big words huh). i want to be carefree and have an adventurous life. but at the same time, it is my lifetime dream to settle down with someone i love, and i choose this, unconditionally. but there are things that i would like to fulfill before heading to the next phase in life.

ok. the plan. obviously, this trip is going to cost. a lot. ok. i got 18 months to prepare. good duration, dont you think? i think it should be enough. plus i work now. pretty good money, i would say, then X18 months. ok. med school bursaries. heard that it is quite easy to get, just that you have to put good effort into it, ie fill up some forms, make some short essays, show determination etc etc.

i think, if i got enough courage and strong determination, i can do this.

however, (this is the sad part), can i maintain my determination for 18 fucking months? that's a lloooooong time, huh. and with me being 'hangat2 tahi ayam'?. FACT. but my feeling now is soo strong and real. but will it last for 18 fucking long months? and...with my previous misjudgement + mis-estimation, i have doubts. big one. obviously this stuff needs limitless courage and strong determination, but can i maintain this feeling? plus, the thought of travelling there alone and live among total strangers, it makes me shiver. fat chance to get some approval from a monkey in malaysia. but at the same time i feel adventurous. this is the same like when i want to be alone in my room in most of the time, but at the same time i feel lonely. weirdo. fickle minded, that's what i am.

(i am actually shaking right now for my over-anxiety-ness)

i am confused.

i dont think i can sleep tonight. i didnt do anything yet, i know, but it's the thought of it that makes me anxious. over-productive adrenaline, i might say, and i cant control that, unfortunately. help!

a hole in my chest, a mask on my face

1/23/2005 11:12:00 PM 0 Comments »
sigh..tomoro's monday. yup, the weekend was short, as usual.

saturday's highlights were visits to some eid open houses, some snow, and the 6th anne of green gables book. ct and i went to kak jua's house to have her delicious roast chicken and elmi's tasty dessert. then we went to mu'azzah house to eat some more good food; nasi minyak, sate, kuah kacang and caramel cakes. a big big thank you to our hostess. it was snowy when we left mu'azzah's house, but i managed to drag ct to town to get the 6th anne's book. of course i started to read that book as soon as i reached home ;)

sunday morning's full with laziness. i felt a little down this morning, i got my mind occupied with something. i decided to have a walk in town to ease my mind. the town was rather empty, which was good. went back home after spending a couple of hours in town, but i still had this awkward feeling.

emptiness.
insecurity.
boredom.
reality.
mask.
complicatedness.

managed to do some work tonite despite of the feelings that i had, so i felt better, a bit.

maybe i think too much. but i always think too much.

really hope this feeling will go off soon.

closer and elektra

1/21/2005 11:50:00 PM 0 Comments »
i had a tiring day. morning was filled with seminars, with one of the doctor's first name Babi, and i wasnt kidding. the afternoon was left to clerk some patients in the ward, and i had to spend more time as my patient was half deaf, luckily he was nice. had to present the history to one of the tutor, dr m, who is quite 'famous' among the girls for his good looking, and 5 out of 6 ppl in my group are girls, so you can imagine how the history presentation session went. i already had a plan to meet up with ct, nadine and yus at odeon later to watch some movies started at 5.20. since the bus from my hospital takes about 35 minutes to town, i really hope to finish early. and because i dont fancy seeing some girls giggling blushingly to impress a good looking registrar duh. i arrived at odeon at 5.30 and managed to watch the first movie without missing a bit.

the first movie was Closer. honestly, i wasnt keen to watch this movie, it wasnt actually my cup of tea. but since we planned to catch at least 2 movies tonight and we had a rather late start cos of me finished at 5, so i think i shouldnt complaint much about the choice of movies. it turned out the movie wasnt that bad. jude law was soo hootttt, and i think natalie potman is ok-ish. not as hot as everybody says she is. she is fiinnneee, petite, with an innocent looking face and i dont think she can be a good stripper (honestly, with a petite body size and A-cup breasts? i dont think so. bring some voluptuous women here please..not girls haha). well, the plot was ok, quite disturbing, for me, i might say. honestly, i hate 3 out of the 4 characters in that movie. the actings were really good, dont get me wrong, but it was the characters' personalities that disturbed me, in some way or another.

jude law, hot he maybe, but his character was a coward and selfish one. i always believe that, if one leaves one's partner to be with someone else, then one is not trustworthy. i always have this believe that if someone has the heart to leave his partner to be with someone else, then how could i know that he will not leave his new partner to be with another new and fresh partner? well, i dont know, maybe because i found it hard to trust someone who broke my trust. and i hate those who pursue selfish love. like a married man leaving his wife and children to be with his girlfriend. or a guy who keeps on stalking a girl who has a bf. well, i dont like that. i know that love cannot be forced, but i do believe that it can be controlled or even prevented before it becomes worse or 'melarat'.

julia robert was quite good, as she normally is. but again she pursued selfish love in this movie. i knew that her husband was rough and 'not gentle' as she said it, but that didnt permit her to fuck another guy. and is there any honesty left in this world? if you stop loving your partner/spouse/gf/bf, just tell them. asap. why not? i dont think people will blame you like they blame for late informing your other half, like a year after having an affair with another person.

people always says that i see things in black and white. no grey. full stop. well, i like to see things in black and white, cos it will make things easier to see and manage, but i am aware that in reality there is no such thing as black or white, there is always something in between. i like simple, straightforward things. although i am fully aware of the complicatedness of life.

and natalie portman. i like her character. it showed that a stripper can have an honest heart, who pursues true love, like everybody else. the only mistake that she made was that she loved her partner tooo much. never ever give your heart 100% to your loved ones. always keep, at least, 20% for yourself, so that when your loved one leave you (believe me, there is always a possibility for this to happen, no matter how chenta hati terjun gunung punya cinta), you still have some love left to console your broken heart.

the 2nd movie that we watched was Elektra. jennifer garner. in red leather suit. kick some butt. what else can you ask? i didnt have any expectation for this movie, i just watched it to see jennifer garner kicks some ass. and she did that. and i'm truly satistisfied ha ha. it turned out the movie was quite ok. the plot was a bit weak, but who cares? ha ha. guess she will be in my dreams tonite..drooling...

i'm not working tomoro as the gp surgery will not be opened for some reason. well i need some rest anyway. 2 of my friends invite me to go to their houses tomoro for eid, and of course i wouldnt say no to free food hehe.... nite.

books and life..

1/18/2005 10:43:00 PM 0 Comments »
my upstair neighbour has always been very fond of grease (i mean the movie, not the oily thingy, hei). you can see his cheerful smiling face whenever someone mention the word 'grease' in front of him. and i'm now listening to grease's soundtracks from his room. well i dont mind. those songs are nice. and i'm pretty sure i heard some dancing steps upstairs. janji ko hepi yus hihhi. i'm enjoying myself with the songs as well :)

he he i bought the next anne of green gables book! i've tried my best to not buy this book, for various reasons, but mainly for me to gain control of my own decision and to not follow my heart too much. i went to the city library after i finished my gp session today and spent more than an hour there to find a suitable book for me to read. i have this strong desire to read, i mean read fictional book, but i'm not sure what to read. i realised that i'm a fussy reader when i couldnt find anything that satisfy me. the only few books that seemed interesting were the children fictional books. i like children books, mainly for the storylines and plots. like the 1st two of the harry potter books, the plots are light and funny. i dont prefer heavy plots with non-conventional characters' names, like in LOTR, i find it hard to follow. think my IQ is not high enough to read those kind of books. i read story books to please my mind. i dont want to burden my head, as i think i have enough real life burden to think of.

and i like uk's fictional books, mainly because of the language used. i dont think american english is simple, but i think they lack of something. sense of humour i think. and sarcasm. i like the adjectives used in the uk's book. the way they describe things, it's full of sarcasm, yet humourous as well. i like a little bit of fantasy, but not too much like in terry pratchett's books. harry potters' books are just nice. and i like a single main character book. like in HP, anne and the geisha book, than multi characters book, like in little women or lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events. it felt more real, as there is only one author for each story book, and the author represents the character in the book.

i know i'm not qualified to give such comments on books. well, i didnt comment, i just give out my preference.

i still got babies topic in my mind ha ha. maternal instinct? i dont think so. i guess it's because i'm old and longing to settle down. i feel old. i'm not sure why i feel that way . i'll be 25 this august. god..it's a quarter of a century. damn i feel old. i cant imagine myself having my own baby now, of course, maybe i just want to have a different life than my present one. i'm bored of being a student, renting a house with other students. no no i dont mean i dont like living with my friends, i just want to settle down, live in a proper house with some proper furnitures. i want to cook properly and clean the house. not just cleaning my room and cook microwaved food. i know i can cook properly now, but what for? i want to cook for someone and have the meal with someone. i know i'm good at taking care of others, but rather poor at taking care of myself. i just cant see the purpose of having a proper cooked meal if it's for me alone. well, i just have to accept the fact that that dream of mine will not be materialised for at least 3 years from now. and the person that i supposed to share that dream with is 11 000km away from me. jolly good.

going to watch csi double tonight yippee! tomoro i'm free yippee! nite :)

babies...

1/17/2005 11:11:00 PM 0 Comments »
just a quick one. need to sleep pretty soon.

visited a few fotopages just now. mostly (er, all) were babies pictures. cepatnye masa berjalan. mus, laila, atik, juliana..all have got babies now. erm..my guess in a year time, there will be more, i bet it would be liza's and wirda's next year ho ho ho. best of luck dear friends. miss you guys.

cant help but to think of my own. my own baby. ha ha. cant believe i'm writing this. me? the girl who hates children? ha ha. i hate children, generally, but if it's my own, of course i'll love him/her. and of course i love my friends' babies! i already have a rough image of my 1st child, having had no less then 10 dreams about her. yup, i think it's a she. positive. well, you cant be too sure kan. cant wait!

today has been a productive day. me like it. me satisfied.

managed to refrain myself from buying the 4th anne of green gables book. hooray! i read clinical medicine book instead. okeyla tu. need to keep my feet on the ground.

ngantuk sih ngantuk sih. 'll try to write longer tomoro, i hope. nite.

ps: miss you too huda. how's our plan to go to belfast? or is it germany? ha ha. sory i cant have the comments here in my blog. hmm..not ready yet. am fully happy with the current situation. no need to care about some other stupid anonymous comments. have a good day huda!

anne

1/16/2005 10:46:00 PM 0 Comments »
i've been spending the whole weekend reading story books! i finished the 3rd anne of green gables book this morning. was sooo tempted to run to town to get the 4th book, but i managed to get hold of myself. i need to get a life! i didnt eat, bath or did anything else but to finish those books. i dont know huh. i'm always like this. when i read fictional books, i tend to get really really absorb into it, if you know what i mean. i feel it soo damn real, sampai mimpi2 tak tipu.

i like this anne book. the words are soo beautiful, i like beautiful and poetic words, but not too big or too heavy, like shakespear ka. this book is really nice, the author describes the characters and the sceneries well. anne, the main character, has such a pure heart, those who meet her cant help but falling in love with her. if i meet her, guess i'll fall in love with her too. and i know i cant be like her. i guess i like the author more than the character. although these books didnt give me the heart rush like when i read harry potter books, but i couldnt help but to have those 'flowery' feeling when i read them. such a good book. i cant wait to read the 4th, 5th and 6th book, and ct told me that there is the 7th book! yee haa! 5 pounds for each book..aisey aisey. hei, look at the brighter side..at least it's not 10 quids each! haha.

just like to put those titles:
1. anne of green gables
2. anne of avonlea
3. anne of the island
4. anne of windy willows
5. anne's house of dreams
6. anne of ingleside
7. lupa plak..rain something something

cant wait cant wait. tried to read 'little women' tadi, but i cant seem to get my mind off anne. ceh i guess i have to get the 4th book tomoro. i want to try to control myself, at least try not be too absorb with the story. i need to do other things as well...hmm..like read a proper academic book ka (oh i wish i am like my other 2 housemates! huhu). takpe2. think logically, pijak di dunia yg nyata, elly...

guess i have to go now. need to get my bag ready for tomoro, set my mind on what i want to wear tomoro, eat supper, then sleep. nite...

1/13/2005 11:11:00 PM 0 Comments »
the last entry was kinda..er, scary..i have to admit. well, i did feel that way at that time, and i do feel it every now and then, sometimes with no particular reason at all. some people do have a low self-esteem, i know mine is low, and i know i have to improve it, but sometimes it is just out of one's control. sometimes you just feel soooo low and feel as if life is not worth living, at all. it's kinda sad, cos i know that i shouldnt take life for granted. life only once, well that was once my motto of life, but man..how hard can one's life be? man..i shouldnt complain, i know i know

well, these past couple of days have been a relaxing, and organised one, for me. i managed to finish my presentation and essay this morning and thought i should treat myself for being organised on my work (this seldom happens, you see). so i went to town to buy myself something that i like, but i wasnt sure what. finally, i decided to cut my hair. luckily, there was an offer at the salon. they said that if i cut my hair and do some treatment, i can have my hair coloured for free. cool. plus 20% off for student. so i did that. i choose to colour my hair dark red initially, but my hair was soo dark, it didnt change colour at all. finally, they have to re-coloured my hair using 'intense red' dye. it took me 3 hours altogether to get my hair done. rase nyesal plak for spending so much time at a salon. time is precious man..but like i have anything else to do..i finished my work what haha. anyway, my hair now is not 'intense red', tho i wish to have it really red. it's..blackish red. damn my hair is wayy too dark

yey i got a new hobby. well, it's part of my unofficial new year resolution (like i have an official one duh). i'm hooked to story books! (kinda sad huh..baru skrg nk baca buku huhu). i finished reading 'anne of green gables' two days ago and got the 2nd book, 'anne of avonlea' the next day! i like story books that tells one's life, like this book, and the 'memoir of a geisha' book. i like to read about someone's life and then compare it with my life. this way i know that everybody's life is also complicated and not straight forward, like mine.

i made a conclusion that being anti-social + less going out + alone in the room = got my school work done! funny heh. plus my new hobby, i think it fits well with me liking to be alone + want to have my school work done. me organising myself. kinda hard actually cos i'm the worst in organising my stuff. well, that's my other new year resolution!

need to go to bed now. tomoro got some presentation to, er, present. kinda hungry, but couldnt be bothered to eat anything. night.

the truth

1/11/2005 10:08:00 PM 0 Comments »
the truth is.. i hate myself.

i hate myself so much.

i hate my body.

i hate every single inch of my body.

i hate my face, my nose, my lips, eyes, skin, fingers, nails, legs, thighs, calves, toes, every little aspects of me.

i hate my life.

i hate my fucking life.

i hate mirror.

all i can see is an ugly and stupid person who tries to fit into her surroundings. she tries hard, really hard to understand, but she's failing. such a weak and useless creature who is a total failure.

those who love her are blind.

"why do you like you bring yourself down?"

i dont know.

all i know is that i hate me. hate all about me.

i'm alright. i'm okay. i just happen to hate me. no harm done.

if a car happens to hit me tomoro, or if lightning strikes me tomoro, i wouldnt mind. like i care. i dont mind being dead. like i care about me.

no one, i mean no one, should raise this topic again to me. it's just a thought of mine, about me. nobody should concern. like anyone would concern about me.

just like this topic to be left alone.

a boy who has all the things a girl hasnt

1/10/2005 09:48:00 PM 0 Comments »
i decided to stay in the library until 6ish and walked back home. it wasnt that far, just about 25 minutes if you walk slowly, 20 minutes if you walk fast, and 5 minutes if you run (i did this once, so i'm not bluffing). usually, i walk to meds school but take the bus from town to home, cos usually i stay in robinson's (the main uni library) which is near town. but today i had all my classes in meds school, and i had to go to meds school's library to get some medical articles for my essay, so i had to stay there tho i dont usually like meds school's library, dont ask me why, maybe because i hate being surrounded by medical books/stuff cos i hate medicine so much but that's not my point here. my point is that i stayed at meds school library until dark and walked back home. it was dark, so i decided to walk along the main road. it was still dark. oh how i wish i was a boy.

if i was a boy, i wouldnt worry about going home alone at night. i would have been braver. i can leave the house whenever i want. i can stay in the library until it closes at 10. i like robinson's library. i also like to walk along the quayside at night. i did this once and how i got scolded after that. people cares about women so much. not that i'm not grateful. i went to an open house last 2 year's raya, which was situated somewhere in benwell, about 15 minutes from my house. the event finished late, but i dont mind walking home alone, it's about 8pm ish, cos i will walk along a busy main road. but the host insisted for me to get a lift from one of the guests. damn i hate this. 1) i hate being told what to do. 2) if i cant even walk myself home safely then i might just as well not leave my house at all duh. 3) if they are too damn protective on womens, dont they know that it will only make women think that they are weak? oh how i wish i was a boy.

if i was a boy, i'll be braver in many ways. i will decide what i want to do. not that i cant decide on the things i want to do right now, but again, bla bla bla, i have to consider my 'reputation' (like my mum told me a zillion times) as a young lady ("you wouldnt want being seen at night with various guys like da bitch, right?"). i'm still not sure what she meant by a girl's 'reputation' ie 'air muka', but i know she meant well. bosan bosan. if i was a boy, i will not be too concious about my appearance. to a guy, brain is everything. not everything lah, but for example, if you are as ugly as the donkey's butt, but if you got brain, thus money, style (go to style classes lah, duh, you got brain what), be kind and funny, money +++, you can get miss malaysia by your side huh (not that i think miss malaysia is beautiful, but you got what i mean huh). that i believe. but if you are a women, even if you have a pea sized brain, but if you are beautiful, you can still found someone who likes you and be your husband. life is not fair. a brainy well earned engineer marries a young beautiful village girl who didnt even pass her pmr. a brainy, well earned, respectable, kind hearted women doctor will live and die alone (not all lah, but it's just an example loh). oh how i wish i was boy, so that i can have more choices in life.

if i was a boy, i would not worry too much about my family. a guy has to do what a guy has to do. a guy is not expected to have a strong emotional bond with his family, not that he doesnt care, but a guy has less emotion than a girl (again, not all guy, i know some guys who are a cry baby to their mums). and me? a weak little girl who cries everytime her mum raises her voice. damn weak. wish i have less emotion. i want to be strong, physically and emotionally. physically strong, so that i can take care of myself, thank you very much, and not rely on others to lift those heavy boxes when i move houses, for example. emotionally strong, so that i will not be the girl who calls her fiance every week to tell him she misses him badly, just to hear him laughes back. she knows he misses her as bad as she misses him, but again, a guy can usually contains his emotion. no mushy mushy. wish i can contain my emotion. those who cry are weak. a girl cant control her tears. damn weak and useless. how i wish i was a boy.

one could argue with me about the advantage of being a girl. what? make-ups? er, hate those. was forced to wear lipstick to hide my stupid lips. skirts? like i want to show my bulky calves. see what i'm trying to say here? a girl's always concious. what else? shopping sense? like a guy cannot have a shopping sense duh. long silky hair? like a guy cannot have a long and silky hair. less responsibility? hey hear this. EVERYBODY got to have some responsibility, whether you are a girl or a boy, it doesnt make any difference. ha i got a big one here. a guy doesnt have monthly menstruation! or pms! no one can argue me here. dah la every fucking month. if you are lucky, it will only be stomach cramps for 3-4 days. if not, you'll be guling2 golek2 la alamatnye. er, i'm not complaining here, i know there are life threatening pains out there, but compared to the other gender of the same species who doesnt have to experience ANY pain at all? life is not fair.

life is indeed not fair. who said it does? life is unfair, complicated and not straight forward whatsoever at all.

no, i'm not having my pms. nor do i menstruate right now. i've been having this thought since, er, ages ago and now i want to tell the world.

i hate being a girl/women/female/whatever you name it. i hate being the weak gender. dont tell me 'oh you are what you are. it's you who shape your personality'. bullshit. why did i cry tho i dont want to cry? why did i menstruate every month tho i dont want to? whatever lah.

'ceh tak tau bersyukur'. that's what everybody tells me. fuck everybody. have you ever had a conversation with a guy who cant take his eyes off your chest tho you are wearing a modest t-shirt, not sexy whatsoever? i'm not blaming that guy here. i hate being the weak gender, with those lumps and bumps on my body. dah la kene pakai extra piece of clothes tu aka bra.

stop complaining!! got to get some showers to get rid of this anger and unsatisfaction. peace on human kind. peace on earth.

ado lagi..

1/09/2005 06:46:00 PM 0 Comments »
A. Seven things that scare you:
1. the almighty
2. darkness
3. die alone
4. cacing, pacat
5. height
6. loneliness
7. anhedonia

B.Seven things you like the most:
1. chocolates
2. food...
3. shopping
4. money
5. azali :p
6. my laptop
7. naruto

C.Seven important things in your room
1. clothes
2. purse
3. TV <-- paling penting woo
4. laptop
5. emy and ismail <-- teddies
6. lipstics
7. comb

D.Seven random facts about you:
1. i hate children
2. a tv addict
3. trying very hard..i mean very hard..to like medicine
4. supersitious
5. hate crowds sooo much
6. an anxious person
7. useless with computers

E.Seven songs people should listen to:
1. fever - kylie minogue
2. sweetest goodbye - maroon 5
3. stronger - britney spears
4. everytime - britney spears
5. jangan persiakan cinta - ajai & nurul
6. soldier - destiny's child
7. i'll be there - mariah carey

F.Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex..
1. height (must be short..the shorter the better)
2. thin (the thinner the better)
3. intelligence
4. smile
5. fashion sense
6. humour
7. kindness
(azali scored 4 out of 7..he's tall, fat and zero fashion sense..okey la tu..you cant have everything in life dhoh)

G.Seven things you say the most:
1. okhai...
2. whatever..
3. wat the..?
4. sukati ko la
5. huh?
6. u huh
7. yup

bosan...

1/09/2005 06:26:00 PM 0 Comments »
ni malas punye pasal..

1. what song are you listening to at the moment?
fever - kylie minogue

2. what shirt are you wearing right now?
none. just my night robe

3. have you taken a bath yet?
no

4. who is in your mind right now?
hatake kakashi...drooling...

5. what's your current favorite lyric?
"just call my name...and i'll be there"

6. where do you feel like going right now?
no where.. just like to be alone in my room

7. what movie are you looking forward to?
star wars 3

8. what are you looking forward to?
duit mara..it's been 6 months dammit

9.what are you eating and drinking right now?
nothing. cant decide

10. last time you feel in love?
dono. a few years ago, i think

11. last person who sms-ed you?
ct

12. shirt you wore before this one?
my pyjamas

13. thing you held?
tissue paper..fucking flu..

14. food and drink you had?
pringles + robinson's mango and orange cordial

15. picture you took of yourself?
hate taking pictures..

16.time you hung out with friends?
yesterday at nad's house, with nad, ct and yus

17. time you watched a movie in the cinema?
2 weeks ago, with nad and huda

18. what's new about me?
nothing. oh..i'm fatter

19. what's the upcoming event you are looking fwd?
my osce result? not that i look forward to, but a result IS a result, you have to receive it whether you want it or not

20. what have you been up to lately?
dono..just like to be with myself right now..

21. what kinda person are you?
right now..like to be left alone, thank you very much

22. are you gifted in anyway?
cant think of anything. total useless

blank raining friday evening

1/07/2005 04:32:00 PM 0 Comments »
raining friday.. where is snow? it should have snowed by now, huh

just call my name.. and i'll be there

have called someone's name since, er, august, but he's still 11 000km away from me. ceh

i'm waiting for someone to call me to help him cook.

got a public health essay to make. havent got a title yet. theme: health inequalities. hmm..*blank blank

got a presentation to prepare. havent got a title. theme: drugs. hmm..*blank blank

got to go.

super stupid influenza

1/04/2005 06:59:00 PM 0 Comments »
malasnye nk blog lately. thought about writing the edinburgh trip in more detail, but then huda's and bel's blog, both of whom i met at edinburgh, wrote the same thing and in a very much detail and precision, so dont think i need to write the same thing for the 3rd time kan.

the other reason (well, excuse), i've been sick. bodoh celaka. i hate being sick. first i taught it was just a cold. a common cold. got myself Beecham's cold and flu powders, so ingat dah ok lah. and that was a week ago! then baru nk baik, someone ajak mkn ice cream. then, on the same day, i over-worked, kononnye nk pulun abis since last day cuti kan. pastu the next day...pengsan satu hari. dah mcm2 ubat dah makan. sudafed. beecham's powder. the whole rack of panadol cold and flu. ubat batuk. vicks pun dah beli. smlm buat sup ayam + lots of pepper, mcm yg mama selalu buat. tapi tak baik2 gak. temperature taknak surut plak tu. otak lembab gile. BILATERAL BLOCKED NOSE, this i hate most. sengau kalahkan bangau. woke up a few times at night, choking of my own kahak. so kene tido gune 4 pillows. skrg sakit leher. binawe. weh belah la weh. tak bosan-bosan2 ke duk badan aku ni. like going to dr makes any different. hate fucking doctor. i know it man. cause i know la.

cant think well.

yeye today's the 1st day of school! got my usual routine back. cant wait to get busy back. eager to do work, work, work!. but tonite cannot work mah. tonite got CSI. both. goooood.

got cracked lips cos been mouth-breathing for the whole day. DAMMIT.