long time no post..

4/22/2010 12:11:00 AM 45 Comments »
i know i know i've been neglecting this blog for some time.



so much has happened!



bz bz bz



to cut the story short, i've passed my exam (yup, THE final exam) and now i'm having a break for a little more than a month before starting to work sometime in june. happy? i'm ecstatic!!



however, since i lack of time at the moment to write in more detail about the things that's been happening in my life, let say, for the past 3-4 weeks, so i'll make a list for the next entries. easier this way hm.



  1. the event that happened before the exams. where i got so stressed up and my body's immune system got haywired and i got sick really bad with high fever, not-the-typical ulcers at-not-typical-site and bleeding and swollen gums and hubby had to take an emergency leave to fly over to my place to take care of me. want to know more? hehe have to wait maa ;p

  2. result day. where i (also) got so stressed up and decided not to go and went to stay at hubby's place at kl. hmm this is not that interesting, as everyone know the result already ie i passed

  3. mini celebration with the family at de palma hotel, ampang. got pictures :) great company (everyone was there!) but the steak was a wee bit too dry :(

  4. went back to the uni the next day to attend a compulsory course for fresh graduate. nothing interesting..

  5. graduation dinner nite! theme: glam nite. woooo everyone was so glamourous! me? i wore the most glam dress that i own: my wedding dress ler. and the make-ups! fuh i felt like a bride that nite. too many pictures to upload! also final goodbyes to dear coursemates..

  6. grand celebration night with the family at kl. guess where? kl tower restaurant! soo pretty!to be honest i was so jakun that night haha. even promised myself to save rm150 every month to go eat there haha. i was so happy that night, the whole family was there :)))))

  7. finally about a present that i received for finally passing my exams. HEHEHEHE as you can see there's a huge huge smile on my face at this current moment =D. i was torn between the iphone or this thing, but obviously it wasnt an iphone. so what is it? it's small and bright pink and i've been aiming it for a loooonnnggg time. clue: i'm using it to post this blog :D

ok ok my mother dah panggil tu. this first week i have to spend it with her, become her driver etc. and guess what, she allows me to drive her brand new honda jazz! hehehe skill memandu ku semakin bagus hahaha. ok ok gtg now. wait for my next entries ;)

final battle

4/08/2010 06:50:00 AM 9 Comments »

oh my god.

i think i have gone to hell and come back alive. barely alive.

enough with that. it's not something that i would like to remind myself all over again.

this time next week i'll be gone. for good. to home that is.

i'm not good with goodbyes, so i think i'll just leave.

not that i have any bestfriends who will miss me when i'm gone.

but overall, i have enjoyed myself here. for the past 2 years, here is where i called home. a place where i am welcomed to stay. for me, that is the most important. you wouldnt understand. because you would never be made as if you were unwanted in your own house, when no one talks to you the way they used to, when you made to feel as if your own flesh and blood would like to disown you if they could?

anyway, it's all in the past. i had my bits and now i'm scarred. i may forgive, but i cannot forget. i know they love me, and vice versa, but i cannot forget what they did. the scar's still there. and i'm a pitiful person who cant seem to forget her past.

so, by this time next week, i'll be home. my home. with hubby. he promised no matter what happen to me, no matter what, that his home will always be mine to stay and i'll always be welcomed in his. and i trust him.

so this is it. my last battle. my very last one. i put every single cards that i own on the table and i gave it my all. promised myself this battle would be my last one. i pray night and day for god to fulfill my wish, but if He says it isnt so, who am i to deny His final words. if it doesnt turn out like i plan, i'll have to start another journey. a different path. that is a promise.

so no more goodbyes, no more tears, no more heartaches, no more letdowns, no more frustation. i'll face the world with my head held high and be brave to face whatever come my way. i hope i'm strong enough to face it all.

useless entry

3/22/2010 02:54:00 PM 5 Comments »

went back last weekend. it was a last minute decision. couldnt make up my mind up till the last minute. the consequence? a whooping over the roof flight ticket price. there was no way for me to drive. it would take too much of my time, plus i didnt have the energy and spirit for the 7-hour drive.

it gave a mixed result.

i was happy to be home. everyone was there. including little maisarah n harith. their mum got pregnant again (lol) despite being on iucd. joke of the week: such 'combat' sperms my brother has haha. the baby is due in october, so it would be a one-year gap between the baby and harith, who was born in january 2009. maisarah on the other hand was born on july 2007. anyway, everyone gave a helping hand on the young family. from now on, they will spend the weekend over my mum's house in ampang, to give my sis-in-law some respite.

being with hubby was like being in a never-ending cloud nine. all the time it was always 'la la la'. well, not always, had a couple or two tear sessions when i could not bear the tension of the finals, and he, as always, lend his shoulders for me to cry on. i was so happy being with him, in such that i become afraid of losing him. you know that you cant be too happy as almost always sadness is lurking behind? i had to constantly remind myself to not be too happy when i am with him. sad isnt it? when you had to constraint yourself from being too happy. such a sad way of living..

i have to earn my happiness

i have to fight for my happiness

suicidal note

3/14/2010 08:57:00 AM 4 Comments »
it can be so stressful nowadays. there were good days, and there were bad days. and some days were really really bad, that i think it would just be better if i would just die and leave this world. i know those who took their own lives would never be forgiven, but on these really, really bad days, you just couldnt take it anymore.

first i would think of how i was going to do it. cut the wrist? pcm overdose? i thought off jumping off a building would be a great one, well that was at least 4, 5 years ago when i hit my first deep s**t pit. but this time i thought of hanging myself would be ideal. imagine my roomate came back from class and found me hanging dead. pity her haha most probably she would be traumatised for the rest of her life. bless her soul, cos i dont think i dislike her.

then i started to think. fine, i'll be dead and off to the next world and already know where is my final destination would be so my story ends there. and what about the other people? hmm the first person i could think of was hubby. i know he loves me, but would he cry for me? for leaving him? for commiting suicide? he's one tough guy, i'm sure he would handle it. i think he would carry on eventually, found another girl and remarry. not that i left him with any child(ren) to take care of.

this one i'm pretty sure is going to happen. mum will go mad. confirm. she has a fragile emotion, even when she left my dad she was like, 3 quarter insane. i'm sure she would not forgive me for leaving this world before her, but hey, i already know where i'm heading, so no use in getting a mother's forgiveness eh? anyway, i think my dad would carry on too, eventually, he got like 3 + 3 other children to look after. my sis? she i could not predict, for she tends to keep things to herself. i could never predict her emotion. i think she would be shock, and sad, more than anyone else, but besides that i'm not sure. while my two other brothers i think they will carry on with their life, eventually. arent guys always like that?

i'm not particularly close to any of my friends, in other words, i dont have any best friend, who i think would miss me when i leave this world. which is fine with me, so now i have less people to worry about.

then i remember maisarah. what will happen to her? obviously she wouldnt remember me, what i mean is that what will the future hold for her? will she excel in school? what will be her course in the university? and i would never see her smiley face or hear her voice calling me 'acik nina...'. i think i'm going to miss her.

what about hubby? all this while i could only think of how his response will be if i leave him, and what about me? how will i be now that i dont have him in my life? suddenly there is an ache in my heart. my memory. my happiness. his love. our love. all will be gone.

then i think of our future children. those whom i (believe to) promise to be their mother. what will they be? will they ever be born?

then i started to think of those small, silliest stuff, like how i would miss the sky, the bright blue sky. and the rain, the cold wet rain. and also my turtles, i think they're going to be orphans and no one would want to adopt them after i die and most probably they will be abandoned to fend for themselves. like how i'm going to miss chocolate, i'm sure they dont have chocolate in hell. and the smell of fresh red roses, and the smell of freshly laundered clothes, and the smell of freshly baked cake, and the voice of maisarah, and her face and her smile. and i'm going to miss most is seeing the face of my other half, who smiles at me, while holding my right hand firmly with his left hand, his smell, his warmth, his kindness, his love..

how sad. you dont realise how precious your life are until you (think of) lose (ing) it.

to my sweet sister, for your words of encouragement and your confidence in me, i wont leave you, not until Allah decides to take it Himself.

to my loving mama, who tried your best to understand me and for your unconditional love.

to my lovely, lovely niece, maisarah, do grow up to be fine lady and make me proud.

to my future children, have faith in me and we shall meet soon and i shall shower you with all my love.

to my heart and soul, the rock of my life, be there for me like you always do, and that is the only thing i'm asking from you.

finally to my dearest, dearest God, for having so much faith in me and giving so many chances to prove myself as your humble servant, and i shall only meet you when you decide it is time for me to return to you.

ps:/ no, this is not a suicidal note, it is more of a reflection of a suicidal-prone soul.

updating the random stuff..

3/07/2010 08:03:00 AM 4 Comments »
  • oscar is tonight! wah cant hardly wait! i dont actually mind who wins what, to be nominated for an oscar is an honour on itself, but it's the red carpet dresses, makeups n hairdos that i am looking forward to! mueh mueh mueh no doubt i'll be browsing the internet tomoro morning. alas! i'm oncall tomoro!
  • finally bought kenchi n kouru's new house! it's now as spaceous as it can be, mane taknyer, it's the biggest portable pet container there is in that pet shop. you'll have to get an aquarium or a pond itself to get a bigger place for those turtles. i hope they're enjoying it... if not sia2 nyer abis my rm32 huh
  • i'm now a competent driver licence holder. yup, no more P car sticker for me! although actually i havent got the guts to take off those stickers heheh people tend to treat P car driver nicely meh..
  • finals are less than 4 weeks away! no word can describe my current emotion. like when last weekend i cried uncontrollably while at the surau. abis semue org nampak. buat malu org jer huh
  • i have joined a study group! wee hee! and i'm enjoying it. although it's kinda late haha the group already had meetings like many months ago, and i sheepishnye asked each member for their permission to join their group. and surprisingly enough, i enjoyed the last 2 sessions that we had on the weekend n i'm looking forward for next one
  • on the same note, because of the study group i think i wont be able to go back anytime before the exams. takpe lah, after the exams i'll be spending my time with them sampai muak2 tgk each other face hahah. so if everything goes as plan, this would be the longest i'll be away from home since i came here (walaweh.. study at uk doesnt count la weh), a total of 6 weeks! although hubby, n mum, volunteer to come anytime should i need any support or anything
  • love the new song by alicia keys' 'try to sleep on a broken heart' and timberland feat. katy perry's 'if we ever meet again'. so catchy!
  • suddenly craves for smoked salmon. sadly i couldnt find it anywhere here huhu. even cooked salmon also cannot find. in tesco there is raw salmon, so should i just cook it myself using hubby's multipurpose cooker? and risk making my 3x4 metre square room smells like fish for the whole week? i dont think so
  • more and more broody each day. nape lah tak pregnant2 lagi nih huh. one thing for sure, Allah knows what is the best for you, no matter how much you think otherwise. enough said
  • what for dinner tonight? everything tastes dull nowadays. have to ask hubby almost every night for his opinion, and eventually his decision, on what to eat. for me that is, who is almost 500km away from him. no wonder he's annoyed ahaks

feeling blurrgghh

3/03/2010 08:12:00 AM 3 Comments »

cny break

2/25/2010 04:54:00 AM 2 Comments »
i've been facing the same page for some time now. i guess my brain is not in a mood to revise. even after taking a mug of coffee, i cant seem to concentrate whatsoever. bencinye!

so what's a good way to take my mind off things? doing my blog, apparently.

i decided to write about the recent cny break. i had a whole week off, and it was jammed pack. i warn you it's going to be a long entry (ahaks) but i promise to write as short and simple as possible. first, i dont want to bore my readers, second, i dont want to spend too much time doing this.

cny break was a blast. sadly it has to come to an end, like every other things that occur around us. so, what did i do during the week off? PLENTY.

ok, it started on thursday. my initial plan was to leave the uni very early morning, like 5 or 6 in the morning, so that i would reach kl by noon. i dislike driving at noon, cause it would make me sleepy. unfortunately, i had to attend something compulsory that thursday morning, which resulted me to start my journey at 10. what to do, got no other choice. better noon, than night time, right? like before, i do my travels mostly by myself, and driving at night can be unsafe. anyway, the journey back to kl was uneventful. stopped several times at regular places, to fill up for petrol, toilet breaks and of course, to get some coffee to keep me awake.

reached kl at 5pm. went straight to ampang to my mother's new house. it was gorgeous! just the right size, i know mum wouldnt like the house to be too big and then too hard to maintain. the first hour was spent wondering around the new house, chit-chatting with mum along the way.

my fav part of the house is the kitchen. love the white 'n chrome kitchen cabinet. love love the island in the middle. love love LOVE the built-in fagor's fully chrome set of microwave, oven and stove as well as the thing that sedut asap masak tu (dono what's called haha). mum surely got taste i tell you.

my current wallpaper ;). i simply adore the island in the middle of the kitchen! however, mum is not satisfied over the white kitchen cabinet wall, so the kicthen cabinet people will come back again to re-install it after raya cina hols, this time to change it to, wait, transparent glass 'n chrome. whatever you want la mum haha

living room. langsir tak siap lagi.. siap after raya cina..

mum's 8 seater dining table x sampai lagi.. after raya cina baru sampai..

front door. love the front wall! dono what it is called tho.. bread-layers? dono

front look. notice mum's honda jazz? byk2 kete, honda jazz gk die pilih. if i was given a choice, pilih la bmw 5 series ke, paling kurang mini cooper ke. not that she has the licence to drive lol. yup, it's her car, but she cant drive it haha


my room. pink! i toned it down with a white bed sheet. actually in real life the wall colour looks softer.

kak lysa's light blue room. her bed set is due to arrive this week, i think.

actually byk lagi pics, but too lazy too upload haha

the rest of the house was equally impressive. mum finally got her dream of wooden kayu jati floor and window frame for her living room. however i didnt expect her new sofa to be quite, how you say it, 'clean n simple', cos i thought her usual taste would be, how you say it, 'extravaganza' aka ala mak datin taste haha. and her rm7k bed (just the bed, not include any wardrobe or make-up table) is also quite simple. i would expect it to be like kerawang2 or gold-plated ke haha. anyway, later my sis, kak lysa, told me that mama did most of the furniture shopping with her and she managed to sort-of 'tone down' mum's 'extravagantness' haha. well, as long as mum's happy with her final choice, it doesnt matter to me. it is her house afterall, her final house where she plans to spend the rest of her life at, so it is crucial that she gets whatever she wants. and she DID get everything that she wants, mind you. and you dont want to know how much she spent on the new house haha. all that i can say is that if she wants something and has the money to spend it, then just spend it lor.

ok. second day: friday. oh yeah, hubby also likes the new house, mainly for its location. the house is literally 10 minutes away from his workplace. plus all of my siblings and i were given our own room, so we can have our own privacy if we want to. also with the new bibik (who is so so nice, capable, rajin gile, pembersih sgt and pandai masak, thanks to my uncle who recommended her), so the house is always clean, clothes already folded and ironed (including hubby's!) and cooked food always on the table, so no wonder hubby loves being there. plus he knows i love being with my family so he and i decided to stay over my mum's house for the whole week that i was off.

on friday morning also i had to drive iwan, my youngest bro, to glenangle hosp for his final chemo session. kesian die, sure akan lembik for the next few days. on friday also i helped clean and arrange the new house. especially my room, which was full with sealed boxes from my previous room in kuantan (tell you my stuff is all over the place). then friday afternoon i drove to subang (hubby's off to work that day) for i missed my niece and nephew, maisarah n harith. rindunye kat budak2 kecik tu! after much kisses and hugs and lots of playings, i returned back to ampang later that evening.


on saturday i was supposed to go to kedah to attend a friend's wedding and also to visit hubby's sister who asked him to buy a desktop for her small daughters, but then with the reported traffic jam at the north-south highway plus mum's desperate need to do further house appliances shopping, hubby decided to postpone our trip by one day despite my protest :(. i had promised this friend that i would attend her wedding, and now i couldnt make it. muncung satu hari haha. but then i realised it is my responsibility to be there for my mother, who has no one but her children, and also to be by my husband's side.

on saturday morning hubby and i joined mum and kak lysa to ikea. mum decided to get almost everything new for her new house, and that includes from shoeracks and hangers, to containers and storage boxes and everything else that is available in ikea haha. spent a few hours there, had lunch there too (meatballs! yum yum) and returned ampang to continue unpacking more stuff.


on sunday hubby n i left for kedah. left at 10am and it took about 6 hours to reach kuala kedah. boringnye ikut highway! halfway through i had a migrane attack :( so i couldnt take turns driving with hubby. reached kuala kedah at 4pm and hubby's sister, kak nira, who is very nice n friendly, took us around the place.


kak nira was dissappointed that we had to leave the next day. her husband, who is a marine policeman, even had a plan for us to go to songkla, thailand, for a day visit as they thought we would stay longer with them. we wished we could stay longer but we couldnt, as my siblings and i already plan for a surprise belated birthday party for mum on the day we plan to return back to kl. before we left, we promised to come back again to kedah after my final exam in april, where we can stay as long as we want.

somewhere in kuala kedah. too lazy to post other pics haha


hubby and i reached ampang on monday evening, straight into mum's birthday party. kak lysa bought a super nice, custom-made cake in a shape of a big mushroom house from secret recipe for mum. all of us were there, all of her 4 children, along with 3 menantus and 2 grandchildren. we also invited mum's beloved sister (my aunt) and her family.

comelnyer kek.. sayang nak potong..

tuesday was a very special day. hubby and i went out on a date, ie post-valentine date. we went to sunway pyramid and planned to catch a movie, but the cinema ticket queue was too long, so our movie date had to be postponed. and then hubby said he wanted to buy me some clothes, much to my delight. me like shopping treats! he also bought me half a dozen of red roses, my favourite flowers :D. so there i was, holding hubby's hand on one side and a bouquet of flowers on the other, walking side by side, and going from one clothes shop to the other, talking and laughing to each other.. such a heavenly experience! it was one of the happiest day in my life..


eiffel..i'm in love!


(mueheheh takde kaitan with the eiffel tower or the movie.. just felt like it was such a romantic thing to say haha)


oh yeah i choose a cute white lacy short dress and hubby likes it too ;)


on wednesday hubby had to go to work. while he was at work, mum and i went to jaya jusco au2 keramat to do some food shopping. iwan still lembik from his chemo, so he stayed home with the bibik. i also baked not one, but 2 banana cakes! it was because i could not find a big enough baking tray, so i had to use 2 small baking trays instead. and yeah, i officially rasmikan mum's new oven hihi


on thursday mama wanted to go to ikea so we once again went there. after another big expenditure, we drove back with the car full of ikea stuff. then later that day we went to jaya jusco keramat once again, for more food shopping.


friday was my last day in kl before my trip back the next day. i decided to pay klcc a visit; it has been a must place for me to go everytime i goback to kl. i know almost every shops in there, in and out haha. it's located only a 10 minute drive from our house in ampang, and with the akleh (ampang-kl express highway) it would go straight into it's underground parking. very easy meh! mum then decided to join me, and later on kak lysa too during her lunch break. then in the middle of our window shopping, mum felt very generous and decided to give me and my sister a treat each. kak lysa decided on a very nice pink and grey chequered shirt dress by mng. whereas i, for some reason, found it hard to choose. finally i decided on a green shirt as i dont think i owned any green shirt yet. thanks mama!


later that night, on my final night in kl, hubby brought me to watch a movie. i thought of watching valentine's day, but i knew hubby would be happier to watch percy jackson & the lightning thief, so i compromised, since i too like that kind of movie genre. it was a fun movie, but the best part was that i had the best company :)


drove back to the uni the next morning. got hit by a flying rock (!) and it smashed my front plate number. only realized it when i reached my uni later in the afternoon. lucky it didnt smashed the car front glass huh. i was only managed to get it fixed yesterday, after asking around for a shop that can fix plate numbers.


anyway, that's all from my cny break. ok ok i know i know it's time to go back to my books again..

kaseh..

2/23/2010 11:55:00 AM 2 Comments »

i was mms-ing with hubby this afternoon while revising when he sent me something that made my day.

first i sent him (mms) of a framed picture that is currently standing on my study table (i took with my mobile) of both of us many years ago. it was at least 7-8 years old, it was a picture of us during one of our earliest date. i remembered it was taken in an instant photo booth in one of the shopping malls in birmingham (about 30 minutes by train from coventry - hubby uni place). i remembered i was throwing a tantrum on that day, over something silly and unimportant. during our early relationship, i tend to show my true colours, like speaking whatever in my mind and really show if i was not satisfied over something, in order to test him whether he could handle my karenah. my thought at that time was that before our relationship could go on further and before i could start caring and loving him and giving him some of my heart, i would show him the real me aka the good, the bad and the hell of me. so that if he decided that he could not handle me and my head, he would just leave without breaking my heart. got it?

this is just one of the weird and not-so wonderful things on how things work in my head haha. part of it is a defence mechanism, in order to prevent my heart from getting hurt. and i thought all guys will eventually leave me as a result of not able to handle me and my complicated head haha. and never in a million years i would have thought to find a guy who could accept me for who i am. even my mother used to say that i am such a difficult and complicated person and that she could never understand how things work in my head.

ok, back to the present day. i sent an mms to hubby of an old pic that i framed and currently on my table. you know those instance photo booth where you have to sit in a box, pull the curtain, insert some money into a machine and then it would take and print your pics in various sizes of your choice. in our case, we choose a passport-sized photo that comes in 4-piece a set. i remember keeping 2 of them, with the other 2 for him. i sent a piece to my mum in malaysia (who was ever so eager and excited to see the guy who, to them, miraculously 'willing' to take me as his girlfriend haha). and i was supposed to keep the other piece, and typical me, i lost it eventually. the piece of pic that was sent to malaysia was framed by my mum (dono why.. obsessed over her complicated daughter's boyfriend? lol) and it was on my mum's make-up table before i found it (rather embarassedly) and decided to take it with me to be put on my current study table. it was this framed pic of the young version of hubby and i that i took a picture with my mobile before sending it thru mms to hubby with a written note 'Masih ingatkah..?'

i expected him to reply by giving an mms pic of his face ke, his office table ke, or his beloved red car ke. but instead he sent me an mms of a picture of his wallet, with the 2 piece of pics of us, the very same picture that i framed (well, my mum who framed it), took a mobile phone picture, sent an mms to him, ie the one that we took at an instant photo booth, some 7-8 years ago..

i never realised he still kept those pics in his wallet all these while. and he still have it up to this day..

*smitten smitten* (hehe sengih kerang busuk sorang2.. takpe aa janji hati berbunga2 :pppp)

i remembered the day when i first introduced him to my family. well, it wasnt a proper meeting, he and i took the same flight back to malaysia, with me dropping off at klia while he had to transit at klia before going to kota bharu. i remembered my mum, and 2 of my bros (jiman n iwan) took a flight from kuantan to klia. abah was at shah alam attending a meeting at that time, and he drove all the way to klia. while kak lysa drove from ampang to klia. all of these was done for them to meet this guy who they deemed some kind of a 'magic' or 'miracle' guy (lol silly isnt?)who could actually handle me and accept me and willling to take me to a more serious relationship. i found it funny, and a bit sad too, to find out how my family sees me..

i am easily be the plainest (nice word to be used to replace the word 'unattractive' haha) girl in class, with not a single guy would look at me twice and ask me out. i aint the fairest, nor do i have the smoothest skin, or the brightest personality, or the sweetest smile, or the straightest nose, or the widest eye, or the best body. i am the plainest of plain.

i never thought i could find a guy who could love me, and accept me, for who i am. i know i am a complicated person, and can be really, really difficult at times (you have no idea how difficult i can be, believe me) and along with my complicated, not-so-straight and smooth life, there is actually a guy, out of millions and millions of male species out there, that i managed to find, and him to find me and accept me for who i am. it is such an unbelievably miracle..

i'm really really grateful to have found him in my life. i am grateful to have someone who would stand by me at my darkest hours, when even my own flesh and blood would deny me..

i am grateful that such a person exists and gives me so much happiness. i am grateful and blessed for this happiness, and even if something happens in the future, i would still be grateful for being granted such happiness in my short life. i would rather own happiness and loss it, rather than not having it all. at the peak of my mum's sadness, she said that she rather not meet my father at all than having to bear all the sadness and tears of him changing his heart and betraying her. but i disagree. i would rather experience all the happiness, and if Allah decides to take it back, i would accept it unconditionally. who am i to question His willing? but for now, i will gather and enjoy as much happiness that i can and pouring all my heart to my beloved, and if someday he leaves, i will have to accept it.

for the guy who stole my heart and owns it, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the happiness that you've given me and that i shall cherish every single moment of us, until the day He decides to part us, life or death..

insecurities

2/05/2010 03:07:00 PM 2 Comments »
cant believe at almost 3-zero years old, i'm still suffering from pimples. yup, bloody pimples! i thought it mainly affects adolescents, so i guess that 'mainly' doesnt apply to me :( currently got 2 homungus pimples near my right eyebrow. painful i tell you, throbbing pain some more. dear roomate said to blame it on stress. i think i agree with her. and do you know that the older you are, the longer and the harder it is for the skin to recover? old cells do not regenerate as well as younger ones. fact.

when i used to take oral contraceptive pills, my skin was smooth. even my friends noticed it. but i'd stopped taking them for more than 4 months now, for various reasons, and i noticed the change of my skin texture within the 1st month! tried to take supplement for the skin, my mum recommended collagen pills by total image (gile mahal!) but so so unfortunate i cannot take it. those pills were huge! and my throat cannot take it. dono la what happen to my throat, even panadol pun sometimes tak lepas. if panadol i could just pecah2kan and add some water and then swallow it, but that huge collagen pills i cannot pecahkan. dono. so the point that i'm trying to address here is that my skin currently is not at its best, and i blame it on the imbalance hormones secondary to stress. can eh?

have i mentioned that i choose dark dusky pink as the colour of my room in ampang? all 4 walls. muehehehe. not sure what was in my head when i choose that colour. meda, my sis-in-law choose light baby turqoise and kak lysa, my sis choose baby blue. while mama choose light rosy pink. cant wait to go back this thursday!

hmm i think i can remember now. it happened when i went back to kl 2 weeks ago. iwan, my youngest bro, aka si mulut pedas (xsedar sakit kene cancer tp mulut still xde insuran huh) sarcastically commented on my style recently. he said ever since i went to study at a local uni up north, my style and fashion-sense had dropped down drastically. he said i dress like any other budak ipta. i admit la kan budak2 ipta's sense of dressing mmg incomparable with those who studies in ipts (iwan studies at uni teknologi petronas). dah tu my current ipta is located up north, in a state known for its conservative values. i realised when i first came here, the sort-of 'uniform' around here is to wear t-shirts (either big, long sleeved one or baby-t for those who is petite or perasan petite or perasan konon nak moden sket), with track-suit and slippers. yup, slippers, and maybe open sandals that cost on average rm20. and almost no one have handbags, except the lecturers la.

back to my brother, he said i used to play with bright colours in my dressing. on that particular day, i was wearing a dark blue levi jeans, with a dark blue short puffy sleeve, with light blue tudung, along with a pair of black 3 inch clarks wedges and a black leather wristlet by mng. he said everything was wrong regarding my attire. first, previously i wouldnt wear 2 same colours in my attire (on that day, i wore dark blue jeans and dark blue top). second, previously i would have worn at least 1 bright-coloured attire or accesories, namely red or orange or bright green for handbag, or shoes, or a top. third, he said my jeans is already worn out and that i need a new one (it is less than a year old, how can he said it is worn out?). fourth, my make-up was not great. and lists went on and on..

fine. FINE. i do admit my sort-of fashion-sense has changed drastically over the years. first and foremost, i think it's the age and maturity. i am 3-zero (soon) for god sake, would i want to wear a big red glittering sling bag like i used to? or would i wear bright 'big-bird' yellow skinny top like i used to? i'm just not a fan of those anymore. i used to love funky tops from topshop, now i just browse through them without having what-you-say 'nafsu' to buy at all. i aged, and my fashion changed. plus i'm not my old self anymore, i have changed, not just the age, i'm also a married woman for god sake, why would i want to wear like a teen? i dress like i feel like to, not because i want to follow the trend.

anyway, since he's my brother, so i managed to withold myself from slapping him, but i also admit that some of the things that he said is true. i used to love to dress up, always update my style, i still love to dress up and all sorts, but i guess my priority change. i'm back at malaysia, wear a tudung, hitting a 3-zero soon and married. above all, my body shape changed. so true. all of that made me a changed woman. i used to let my long straight (rebonded obviously) hair loose, and have it an orange top, a black knee-length skirt with a pair of calf-length suede flat boots. and of course with a bright handbag or sling bag. i used to wear a very bright orangy-red shirt dress with a matching belt, with plain back pants, and of course with a stripy red and white shoulder bag.

but i cannot wear them anymore. i dono. i cannot or would not or dont want to wear them? that is a difficult question.

the truth is, i feel old. i feel fat. and i dont like attract attention by wearing the clothes that i used to wear before.

to be totally honest, i enjoyed not wearing a tudung and letting my hair loose. i said 'enjoyed', not 'enjoy' or 'love'. i enjoyed being fun and carefree, and the attention (admittedly) and i treasured the confidence that i built along it.

wouldnt you gain more confident when people say nice things about your appearance, and some boys may even tried to woo you and the girls want to get to know you?

wouldnt you say i was more attractive in my earlier days than my present ones?





i can see the difference are miles apart, dont you agree with me? people wont even look at me twice nowadays, and that's the truth. how sad.
i know i shouldnt have this feeling, but i'm kinda sad and i dont feel attractive at all and have not-so-high level of confidence about myself. and i feel bad cos now i'm married and what for i crave for other people's attention when i have a guy who pays all of his attention to me?
no, i dont want boys to woo me or girls to befriend me, all i want is not to be invisible. i think i'm confusing myself, first i said i dont want create attention, and now i want some?
the truth is i am a very plain person in terms of appearance, and i used my fashion-sense and style to boost my self-esteem. i genuinely think i'm ugly, and not a 3-year long of counselling sessions could change that, so i believe no one in this world can convince me otherwise. some calls it inferior complex, i believe it is so although i will not use that terms.
it is actually a long and complex story to be told, but i spare you the rest. so you think you know me? well you dont.

weh, dah terbabas topic ni. where was i? yup, the event that made me decide on the colour of my room in ampang (gile jauh lari topic). so when iwan comment2 on how dull my appearance nowadays and he cabar me to use more bright colours, so i determinedly choose an unconventional colour for my room. then i got myself a hot dark pink handbag by coach (!) (thanx to mama for some of her courtesy!) and wore it the next day along with a pair of my old red leather mary jane shoes.
but now i'm literally broke :( huhu
think i'll improve my appearance now. not for anyone else, not for iwan, but for my confident. hubby said he actually agreed with iwan (huh) about my current style. hempeh. fine FINE. i'll have my revenge later. obviously i was hurt by both of them, who are they to comment on my dressing (well, actually, i think they both have the right to comment. hubby can comment whatever he wants as he is my husband, and iwan, well, he's a styl-o himself and dresses himself rather well, so in my sort-of rules on who deserves to give advice, he actually qualifies. but i do hope he would voice up his comment in a nicer way!)
cant wait to get all of my other clothes from kuantan. you see, half of my good clothes are in boxes, i myself literally dont live in one proper house. i live in a hostel with a small cupboard, so i only brought about 1/3 of my total clothes here. another 1/3 in kuantan. about 1/6 are at hubby's cupboard, and the last 1/6 are in boxes in hubby's house, along with my >50 pair of shoes and >50 handbags (mostly in boxes) that i happily (and proud!) own. muehehehe well a girl can never have enough shoes and handbag..

updates

2/04/2010 08:13:00 AM 1 Comment »
it's the weekend! yippee!

to be honest, i've been busy lately. very busy. both physically and mentally. more of mentally huh.

the finals are coming!

8 more weeks to be exact. too shivering to convert it to days.

even the thought of it makes me exhausted.

there were good days, and there were bad ones. the best thing that i should do now is to calm myself, and be organised.

i hate february. instead of the norm 30/31 days, february only has 28 days. 3 days is a lot to dissappear just like that!

i think i'm getting ridiculous. just clear your head and calm yourself, elly

breath in, breath out

ok. now, what shall i write today? it seems like a good day to write. i'll start with the recent ones.

just finished my posting. overall, i enjoyed it. i already knew that i would like to spend more time doing this posting in the future. but it's the upcoming finals that spoiled it all. i couldnt properly enjoy this posting when i have this background thought plus all the fear and anxiety about the finals. i wish we had this posting earlier.

anyway, i was a bit stressed and sad yesterday for my end-posting exam did not turn out like i would like it to be. it depressed my confidence quite badly, and i spent some time last night pondering whether i could make it this time around. but i guess experience is indeed a good teacher, and i managed to go through the night calmly.

'when you used to hit the rock bottom of the deepest sea, getting lost once in a while at sea is quite ok. just keep looking and looking and never stop looking for a shore to land. and it is the easiest if you got a helping hand, which works as a help as well as a company, as God knows, being alone in the whole wide sea is a tiring, not to mention, lonely, experience.'

that just came out of my head.

some of you may understand what i meant, and for that you shall have my gratitute for still being there with me up to this point. and for those who dont, well, if you think you know me, you dont.

anyway, this entry is supposed to be a cheerful one, but it turns out to be a depressing one haha.

ok, what cheerful news have i received lately?

chinese new years hols is next week! and i've got a whole week off yeye. and yup, i'll be bringing all of my book stuff back to kl.

valentine's day. this year i got to spend it with hubby, hurrah! no plan (yet) on how to spend the day. and it's on a sunday, meaning hubby is off too, so we can spend the day as we want :)

jiman, my first bro, will be doing his master soon! very very happy for him. it has been his dream to pursue his study and to eventually become a lecturer. good for him! and the good (and funny) thing is that he'll be doing it with my sister, kak lysa. the same course, at the same uni! well, my sis already started her 1st semester and will be starting her 2nd one soon, but according to her, 1st and 2nd sem students will share most of their lectures together. how cool is that? dah la kat ukm, then amik master in engineering pulak tu. i'm so so proud of my siblings. i think it's great that they still want to pursue for higher education, despite the facts that both of them are already working and have families of their own. plus willing to sacrifice their weekends (saturday and sunday!) to attend classes. very good =D

this motivates me to study even harder for my finals. if they are working hard for their masters, i'll work harder for this second degree of mine :)

another news: my mom's ampang house is finally ready and fit to live in! it took more than 3 months to wreck and then re-built the house again. they are going to officially enter the house this sunday, after arranging for most of the stuff from the old house in kuantan to be brought to ampang on that day. and mama will also employ a bibik, who will hopefully keep her company, as well as keeping the house tidy. i think it's good for her to have somebody with her, because living alone in the middle of kl is quite dangerous nowadays. dad? you dont want to know. i also dont want to know.

anyway, hopefully by this april, i can live with her and keep her company. although just for a short while before hubby and i find a nearer place to mom's house (currently we are in damansara damai, about 45 minute drive from ampang). hopefully also i'll manage to get a place to work closer to hers by this july.

oklah, enough with this blog. i want to do asar prayer and then take a shower, before starting off my revision again. happy weekend!

sleepy but annoyed head talking..

1/23/2010 01:46:00 PM 1 Comment »

just came back from my weekend break to kl. as usual, am having a post-holiday blues.. a mini one.

am currently listening to fly fm. not sure how but they play mostly unplugged songs tonight, with such a good selection of songs. and no dj at all. i think it started at least this evening, cos i remember when my friend picked me up at the airport, there at the radio they played such a good lists of songs with no dj at all, so i asked him whether he had any cd on. he said nope and then i checked the radio and it was fly fm. mostly were slow songs, some unplugged, mmg best hihi.

anyway, the reason i blog tonite is to share with you something that i encountered on my way back here. it was while i was on the airplane, and there sat a woman next to my sit. she must be in her 50s, at least, but with heavy mascara on, scarf ala2 mak datin or to be precised, like siti nurhaliza ie half the rambut are out with jambul besar gile. anyway, it's not the appearance that intringed me, it was the person herself.

let me give an intro first. when i travel, i dont speak to strangers. i aint friendly. period. that's just the way i am, just let me be. when i think about it, i think there's 2 reasons why i behave that way: first, becos i seriously dont (fucking) care about other people's life haha, about how many children you have, about how your political views are etc. although i dont mind talking about the weather, if you know what i mean, ie i dont mind talking about superficial stuff.

second, i dont like to tell to a total stranger about my life. my life's too complicated, not to mention private, to be told to any strangers. plus not everyone would understand how my life had turned out like it is. plus i dont think people would believe. plus i dont think people would want to listen to my story. so, for all these reasons, i strongly prefer to just keep quiet throughout the journey. i usually play with my psp, or listens to my mp3, or read a magazine or a story book.

so, as you can already predicted, this old lady who sat next to me was the kind that liked to talk. normally, i do have such a soft spot for the elderly, i dont mind listening to their stories, providing they dont ask me with too many questions. this old lady did not asked me that many question, but boy, she did like to talk about herself and her life. but it was the contents of her talk that annoyed me a bit. takpelah elly, it's an old lady after all, why not you give her a slack? i wish.

first she talked about her family. on how well connected she was with this person and that person. sorry old lady, i aint know this person or that person, no matter how hard you try to explain. especially if it's someone in politics, ie one of the 2 things i hate most in this world, so no use you wasting your breathe trying to tell me about this person and that person.

then she started to talk about how well her children turned out to be. went to this uni and that uni, became this and that. look at me, do i look interested to know who is who and who becomes who in your family? was it intended to give me some sort of inspiration by telling me all this? all this made me remember; my roomate and even my old roomates' mothers also talked and talked about how well their children turned out to be, to me (?). what is on my face or what? i know they are proud, as mothers, that their children ended up at universities, but why telling it to me, si budak2 yg almost the same age as their children? i can understand if they want to tell to their peers, ie kaum si mak2, but why me?

all my siblings went to the uni, but do i make an announcement about it? no.

then she started to talk about her trip to this and that, how cold it was this and there. and when i showed no surprise at all, she started to elaborate more and more, as if trying to convince me that it was really really cold out there at the other part of the world. yes old lady, i do understand what you're trying to explain to me, on how cold it was this and there, being myself lived this and there for literally 12 years of my life. do i make an announcement about it? no.

then she started to talk about the importance of having a 'kabel', if you know what i mean. to know this person and that person. to keep in contact with this person and that person, so that you can earn this and that. my dad is a ceo and earns more than 20k per month and he has no so-called 'kabel' or whatever, do i make an announcement about it? no.

then she started to talk about politics. and races. malay and non-malay. and that we malays should do this and that, and shouldn do this and that.

and she also started to talk and talk about so many other things, but my brain already switched off after 10 minutes. whatever lah old lady, you talk all you want, i'll pretend to listen to you out of my respect to you as an old lady. i wouldnt want to be rude by telling you that not everyone is like you. not everyone like to share their story to every stranger who sits next to them. not everyone likes politics. not everyone likes to gain as many 'kabel' as they can. not everyone want to use their friends and acquintances for themselves. not everyone is as naive and useless as you thought they would be.

oklah, i think my head is switching off. thanks for reading. and seriously, i dont (fucking) care about any story of any stranger sitting next to me. good night

mumbling

1/16/2010 06:30:00 AM 2 Comments »
tired (more like bored hihi) of my revision, i think i'll spend some time updating my blog.

actually i dont have a specific topic to blog about. here are some random updates of myself..

i'm on my 3rd day of diet. yup, i'm on a diet, it was actually an impulsive thing to do, i didnt plan to diet. but then with the finals are fast approaching and my stress level easily goes up to the roof at any time of the day, i think i ought to do something to get my mind off the final. i need to have one some kind of 'sideline' project to occupy my mind, without actually neglecting my current major one ie the finals. so i decided to diet (..what kind of 'sideline' project is that lol).

i never tried this kind of diet before. it's called the oat diet (i named it myself hihi). all that i need to do is to have oat as breakfast and lunch, at 5 tablespoons each. i was surprised to find that oat can actually be eaten like rice, with all the side dishes. well, the view aint great, but actually the taste aint that bad. and i have the leisure to eat whatever i want for dinner, obviously in moderate amount. it's best to avoid rice, but i was told if i really want to have rice i can have it, cos it's not good to suppress our appetite, as it can lead to bulge eating.

so today it's my 3rd day of dieting, and so far so good. oat is so filling, yet with little calories. i also started to jog yesterday. the key is not to over-exhaust myself. i used to be a keen long-distance runner, but then it's the after-effect that brought me down. i was so tired i couldnt study, along with my legs so lembik. and almost always the next day i could not get out of the bed and then couldnt take the stairs. so this time around, i just jog leisurely. and i do stop when i think it's time to stop, altho actually i can run a bit more.

anyway, i think i ought to give this diet + exercise a try for one month. a friend told me that she lost about 5kg in a month, and another friend said that her mum lost 1kg per week, so i think it's fair to have a certain duration limit. then, if after a month i couldnt see any difference, then i'll stop and then try to think of another side-project for my mind to occupy. so no pressure at all. and i'm beginning to enjoy the oat too ;)

will be going back to kl this wednesday. managed to get the rest of the week off, so it's going to be an extended weekend. the aim is to drive and accompany my bro for his chemo session on thursday and friday. hubby also take the day off too for the same purpose. in difficult time like this, we should gather and provide supports to each other.

i wont be driving to kl this wednesday, mama thought i shouldnt waste precious time on driving, so she bought me flight tickets. she is right. in total, if i'll be driving back and forth from uni to kl, it would take not less then 14 hours. and that's quite a lot of time to spend behind the wheels, when i should actually spend on my books. so, thank you mama for the thoughtfulness.

oklah, i think that's enough. time to go back to the notes. enjoy the weekend :)

pointless entry

1/07/2010 11:51:00 AM 1 Comment »

i've decided that today is a good day to blog.

today has been a fair one. nothing much happened. nevertheless i'm feeling much relax today. maybe it's the weekend.

ok, first thing first.

happy new year. farewell 2009, welcome 2010.

i think it's fair enough for me not to have any new year's resolution this year, since there's still previous years' (!) resolutions that need to be fulfilled. and for someone in my age, this new year resolution does not make sense anymore. oh yes, i feel old. this year, i'm going to hit the big 3-0, and obviously i aint feel good about it. enough said.

much happened in 2009. my honeymoon to bali. the birth of my nephew. my parents separation. my sis's illnesses. and the latest one is my lil bro's cancer, and he's due for chemo sessions in 2 weeks time. well, technically that is this year, but he was diagnosed at the end of last year, just a few days shy from the new year.

this year? this year's going to be the making or breaking of my future. that's why i'm kinda stressed at the moment. i dont like being stressed, nor do i like being depressed. unfortunately, there's only a vague line between those two. a few months ago some people asked me why did i look so calm and relax compared to others, and i myself know the answer. it's because i hate being stressed, and i try my best not to be stressed. because when i'm stressed, i dont think i'm a nice person, and i mean that. all the time, i feel like to shout to everyone. yes, i do wear facemask when i go out and meet people (not real facemask you fool) and try my best to smile and greet people like i normally do, but that facemask of mine is not that perfect. there were a few times when i just snapped.

so, my point is, life is not that great nowadays. i'm stressed. and i aint a good person when i'm stressed. and the worst thing is that i cant study a damn thing when i'm stressed. i can try, but nothing goes in. nil. which makes me more stressed.

i hate being stressed.