dilemma

3/31/2007 08:30:00 AM 0 Comments »
weeeee easter holiday has started =D

but i still need to go to hosp for another week :`(

ah nevermind. now is not the time to complain! another 9 weeks (!), that is 61 days (!!!) to go before finals so there's no time to waste (gagagagaga...)

change topic, like, NOW

happy weekend everyone. how time flies. before i know it, it's the end of march already. huh? what happen in march? what did i do for the last few weeks? curious curious.. hmm

mama is coming in 12 days time! weeeeeee tak sabar tak sabar. she will be in the uk for about a week, and only 6 days in newcastle, and i plan to make full use of it. dah organised almost everything, so hopefully everything will be as planned. the most important thing is to spend as much time with her, and make her trip enjoyable. eeee tak sabar lagi seminggu setengah!

just received my graduation pack last week, and i have to give my answer before may. so, to attend or not to attend? hmm... i cant see the point of attending the graduation without the presence of my family. but i have never graduated before (well taiping and kmys graduation dont count, ok) so of course i want to wear the robe, the hat and go to the stage to pick up my scrol. hmm.. let just apply the theory of Utilitarianism, shall we? (ha ha boring boring, skip if you want ha ha). 'the greatest happiness' theory that determines the rightness or wrongness of an action. it also consider the intensity, duration and certainty of the value of the happiness and unhappiness experienced by those who are affected by it. so here goes..

to attend:
i'll be happy, my family will be a bit happy cos they will get a picture of me wearing the robe and holding the scrol. azali also wants me to attend, ellina too, some of my collegues too, so they will be happy. but their intensity wouldnt be that high, i think, not compared to mine, becos it's my graduation kan. also to consider: my unhappiness. becos of the absence of my beloved family. the graduation will be on wednesday, so nad, ct or shanti, or my other good friends will not be able to attend too. my scholarship runs until at the end of june, and the graduation is on mid july, so i would be a bit unhappy regarding money. my unhappiness from the absence of my family and friends and money would be MORE than my happiness from attending my first, and maybe last, graduation. imagine my unhappiness is -10, then my happiness is +6, so if you add up, it's -4, ie unhappy as the result, see? then i add up with everyone's else happiness (+2), so the final result is -2. so.. if i choose to attend, the total consequences would be unhappiness. but will it be lesser in intensity if i choose NOT to attend the graduation?

not to attend:
ok, i'll be happy too, since i'll be able to fly home ASAP and meet up with azali and my family and eat, eat and eat in malaysia. the intensity if compared to happy attending the ceremony? hmm.. i would say the same (imagine happiness of attending +6 and happiness of not attending +6). i desperately want to go home, but i'll be going back home for good anyway, so 2,3 weeks late wouldnt cause any harm. money will be good, so i'll be happy. i'll be able to leave newcastle and uk for good, so i'll be happy too. no word can describe how muaknye duduk kat uk ni for the last 7 years. i'm so desperately wanting to leave and go back to my home and start the next stage in life ie marriage, family, children etc. anyway, back to my dilemma..

so.. for now i've decided that NOT attending would make me MORE happy then attending the graduation. it's easier to view this in numbers, i think. like, imagine the happiness of me not attending is +6, then the unhappiness of me not attending is -4, so it adds up to +2, meaning i'm happier not attending, see? now i need to consider unhappiness, mine and others. of course i would be sad, but as i said before, my unhappiness of NOT attending would be LESS (-4), compared to the intensity of happiness for attending (+6). i think my family would be sad too, a bit, but to be honest, i dont think they care, as long as i pass my exam and come home safely. azali would be sad, this one i'm a bit confused, he really REALLY wants me to attend, but he also really wants me to come home asap. -0.5 maybe? anyone else that will feel unhappy for me not to attend the graduation? hmm my friends would be a little tiny bit unhappy, but to be honest they wouldnt miss me if i'm not there. so another -0.5 maybe? so.. conclusion? +2 -0.5 -0.5 = +1 ie NOT to attend the ceremony would bring MORE happiness than unhappiness.

so the final conclusion: unhappiness if i attend (-2) + happiness NOT to attend (+1) = (-1) ie attending the graduation will bring me unhappiness. ta da! easy. but this decision may change with time and circumstances. like, if suddenly my mum says that she wants me to attend the graduation, then i would definitely be going (imagine her happiness intensity is +2, then the final result would be different, kan?) or if one day i see the graduation robe, like somewhere, anywhere, and suddenly i feel like i would very much like to attend the ceremony, and if that happiness's intensity would be MORE than unhappiness of me attending, then i will attend. ha ha pening?

ok ok, i need to continue revising. this weekend revision topic: urology and breast. ha ha 'interesting' topic huh? surgery is not as bad as i thought. long live surgeons!

failed attempt to write

3/28/2007 03:33:00 PM 0 Comments »
not sure what to write and it's been a week since my last entry so i thought i could think of something and jot a line or two. i'm sure i dont have a problem with that heheh

so... what happen since last week? hmm.. typical routine... wake up at half 6 everyday, reach hosp at 8, yada yada hosp work yada yada then come back at 5ish. boring stuff... not even worth mentioning. i'm so in the holiday mood. nak cuti!! everyone else in the uni have already started their easter hols and they've got 4 weeks for that wherelse mine starts next week and consists only 2 weeks. sigh... but i'm not complaining! ha ha. but seriously i need a break!

weh i got to go. ct just called and asked whether i would like to join her to go to tesco, like in 15 minutes time. yee haa! tu je la excitement kat sini... a trip to tesco. ha ha. guess ellina will be joining as well. housemates trip! ye ye. byee...

oddities

3/21/2007 04:34:00 PM 0 Comments »
weeeeee got half day today :)
and what did i do? browse the internet for the whole afternoon muehehe. nope, i'm not going to try to justify that. hmm feeling a bit guilty now but nope.. i'm not going to reason myself... what's done is done, and i had a good time myself.

so what've i been up to these days? another 1 and a half week before the easter break, and yup, orthopaedic week. you know, it's not that bad actually, and yup, i even surprised myself with that one. i guess being a final year change people's perspectives and yours too. you know more, and people knows that you know more, and you know what to expect and put all your effort into it and wallah!.. things are not that bad actually. anyway, i wont bored you (and me) with all the medic stuff so lets just leave it there.

went to nad's blog and i'm intriged to write the same topic. he listed down 6 oddities that he can attribute to himself. i found that interesting and i have been thinking about it for the last couple of days. i found it hard to make the list so i've made a conclusion that i'm not as weird as i thought i would be haha. but nevertheless i managed to make the list...

1) i'm a sci-fi fan. altho not as much as nadine tho hehe. but i do like sci-fi movies a lot, like star wars, star trek, lost in space (best movie ever :p) and movies like back to the future and matrix. some of my friends found it odd when i asked them about time machine and whether they want to travel to the past or the future if they were given an opportunity to use them twice, ie to go and come back again. so which one would you choose?

2) i think i have an odd face (what? can't believe i put this as my second one...). you see, i have a round face, thanks to my mum. but my eyes are sepet, quite small and sepet. but then my skin is sawo matang, ie malay skin. but then i got this pair of (bloody) thick lips that i hate so much, thanks to my dad. when people first see me, they dont know what race i am. and my accent doesnt help either, my jawa accent often confuses people too. when i'm in malaysia, i wear a scaft and my skin darkens so they would guess me as a malay. but when i open my mouth, they would think i come from sarawak or sabah. and when i'm here, with my rebonding straight hair and a bit fair skin, they thought i'm either a chinese, a japanese, a philipines, a thai and the list goes on. so dont you think i've got an odd face?

3) i have multiple personalities. dont ask me, people told me that they thought i have multiple personalities. well i dont know... i do like changing my, whatever you want to call it, character, whenever i feel like it. like, if i feel like i want to be bubbly, i can do that and be super friendly and super smiley to any new person sitting next to me. and when i feel like i want to be distant, i'll do that. and i can retain the new character as long as i want and i do that sometimes, without any reason whatsoever. and the thing with me, i like to play hard, meaning that whatever character i decided to be that day, i do it properly and maybe that's why people thought i have different personalities. some of my taiping and kmys friends said this to me, and some said i've become a 'changed' person when i left these places. i dont think so, it's just that you dont know the real me and that was just one of my 'personality' when i was there, the one that is predictable, quiet, shy, geeky and invisible. and i retained that character for 2 years. one of the other person who said this was my mum. she once said that she couldnt understand me and doubt if i have any specific personality at all. she said i was too unpredictable. am i like that? is it odd?

lets just proceed to some simple oddities ok. i dont want to sound too odd, you see

4) i like to switch off all electricity when i go to bed. i wont leave the computer on, or the phone charge, or the heater's on etc. well, of course la except my night light. when i'm at home, i'll go around the house and make sure none of the electric devices are on. or else i wont sleep well and worry of short circuit la, then terbakar la , meletup la etc.

5) i like to arrive 4-5 hours early at the airport. it's my anxietyness i guess, but some people find it odd. i always, i mean 100% always have some dreams about missing the flight the night before the journey, hence that early airport arrival. i found this annoying too

6) i dont like people helping me, unless if i ask for some. i'm really annoyed when some people offer to help you with your shopping carriage when i myself think i can handle it myself. i'm annoyed too when people insists on giving you a lift back home, when i think it's safe to go back myself. i found that as a sign of weakness. eee ingat org lemah ke huh. i got my own kudrat, so angkat sendiri la, ade kaki balik sendiri la, ape ko ingat aku lemah ke. paling benci bile kuar ngn laki who is like, oh let me hold your bag, missus..... eeee! pomp lemah betul. tapi itula, kuasa Allah tu besar, mmg nak tunjukkan la tu, i like it (to my own surprise!) when azali holds my bags. but only azali can hold my bags huh, as he supposed to protect me kan :p haiya...(org camni pun ade ke...)

terpanjang la plak... you see i like to write, i know it's nonsense stuff most of the time, but i do like to write. no, let me rephrase that, i like to merepek...yup! ok masa tuk mandi!

me and my week

3/17/2007 11:39:00 PM 1 Comment »
weekend... bless...

i had an interesting week. went to the newcastle malaysian night on wednesday night and it was a blast! i enjoyed my time there, met up with some new and old friends and taught some mat sallehs to play batu seremban! unfortunately i left my camera at ellina's studio so i have to wait for photos from her camera instead. she's busy at the moment doing her work and she can be a bit garang when she's doing that so i'm definitely wont be knocking her door to ask for some wee photos ahaks. so you guys have to wait and i'll definitely going to post it later.

school-wise, i was doing critical care so i spent the week at the ICU and HDU with the anaesthetists and i found it very interesting. like what nadine said, anaesthetists are one of the geniusest people out there and i couldnt agree more. but i dont think it's for me. one, i'm not a genius so i dont think my mental ability is up to it, two, i'm in love with medicine and i'm positive that is what i want to do. the sad thing is that i'll be doing orthopaedics next week. i dont like orthopaedic. not just that, i hate orthopaedics. seb baik it's only for a week, so i just have to face those morons for a week and be patient and try to cover my oh-so-transparent hatred face as much as i could ahaks.

anyway, it's 2 week b4 easter break! gosh how time flies! but it's not the holiday i'm looking for, it's something else. someone is coming over... mama! yup, she's coming for a week and i'm so looking forward for it. no word can describe how i feel right now. happy? hu uh. excited? yeah. terkinja2, lompat2 excited? definitely! i'm like that, when i'm happy with something, i cant contain my excitement to myself. from past experience, when i feel like this, i'll go and share it with someone and then be a right pain in the ass cos ter-over excited sgt. so what i do now is lompat2 kat bilik sorang2 and do as much pysical activity as i can in order to burn out the adrenaline. i've been walking to town a lot lately and that helps. azali pun sometimes pening with me when i get way too excited over something hehe

so, mama's coming.. jeee... you can imagine i got a wide smile on my face at this right moment. she'll be stopping over at dubai and tehran for a few days before coming to the uk on the 12th of april. i'll then 'culik' her from my uncles and bring her to newcastle where she'll be staying for a week. i've already bought the train tickets and everything else, i promise to greet her at the airport, and i hope that everything will be in order when she arrives. organisation tuuu hehe. i plan to organise a mini trip while she's here, initially i plan to board an overnight cruise to amsterdam from north shield port near newcastle here. but then with the small amount of time she's here, plus she said she went to amsterdam some long time ago when i was still a baby, plus me takut mabuk laut, so i decided to cancel that plan. think i'll bring her to edinburgh. my mum is like me, we think more or less alike, so it's easier for me to organise my trip plan. we dont prefer to travel unless it's necessary, cos it will exhaust us a lot from the anxiety-ness, and we dont travel for its castles or any historical remarks. so what do we like? i know a thing that would definitely make her eyes wide open... shopping malls with lots of handbags! hahah. so that's exactly why i will bring her to edinburgh where i'm sure she'll enjoy the huge handbag collections at harvey nichols. perfect!

all of these planning and excitement are making me exhausted. i cant concentrate on my studies for i will be thinking about mama, like, every 5 seconds. ji ji ji cant wait for her to come. she's definitely wont be coming for my graduation this july for it's too near to meda's, my sis-in-law due date, so i'm glad she's coming this time, especially before my big exams this june. oh mama, jaga diri baik2 ye sekrg, jgn jatuh sakit or anything ye, for i really want to see your face at the heathrow airport on the 12th! he he he. good night :)

sleepy head

3/12/2007 07:42:00 PM 1 Comment »
everyday since the last entry i planned to write the next one, but asyik tak sempat2 jek. well, that's not the only excuse. i'm still angry and annoyed, with the previous topic, as well as everything else, so i cant write, or else i write something nasty, like the previous entries. i suspect it's that time of the month again huh.

anyway today i finally managed to persuade myself to write a line or two. i'll start with the weekend. you know i was moody and angry at the end of last week, so i didnt go to hospital on thursday. how can i concentrate if my head is boiling? then i felt guilty. final is just around the corner and i let my emotion took over my head. so i went to the hospital on saturday. wah i never knew hospital here is so damn quiet and empty on saturday. i wonder how is it on sunday? anyway, it was a very good decision, i had the wards ALL by myself, managed to do lots of work and thus i felt satisfied and good.

i wished i had stayed longer but then in the afternoon i had to go to the malaysian night rehearsal meeting. yup, i'm one of the volunteers and guess what will i do on that night? ha ha main batu seremban!! traditional games gitu ahaks! me gonna wear baju kebaya (tapi takde kain batik plak hi hi) and be perempuan melayu gitu. euww... well that's the idea. i'm supposed to teach how to play batu seremban that night haha. why oh why did i volunteer to help? firstly, to get a cheaper ticket! muahahaha volunteer ticket is nearly half price maa hehe. jahat gile.. shhh. and the other reason was that this year would (hopefully) be my final year here in newcastle, so might as well join in while i can. and the last reason was to meet other people. i'm in hospital most days now and didnt see anyone else except my housemates, so hopefully i can meet other malaysians (boleh percaya tak this reason? i'm not ahahh). anyway, it's this wednesday night and i hope it will be a good one.

ok back to the topic. after the rehearsal on saturday afternoon, i met up with some friends for a lunch in wagamama. heaven! makan, makan and makan, then we went for coffee in cafe nero. this place has the best chocolate drink in newcastle, it's melted chocolate plus whipped cream and it tastes heaven! we stayed there for a few hours, i think, and i had such a great time with such a great company.

i didnt do much on sunday. finished sewing some batu seremban (all 15 of them!) and watched tv. did a little bit of reading but it didnt work. i was too tired i guess. and i'm tired today as well. i had a long day today and had to force my eyes and brain to work. finished at half six and guess i'm sleeping early today. no use to do revision if your brain is tired and not prepared. i prefer a couple of hours of full concentration with an alert and awake brain then spending 24 hours facing a book with a sleepy and tired brain. well that's how i work. hah! cant believe i did it again. i just realise i tried to reason and justify my action AGAIN. i always do that. cant you see what i'm trying to do just now? i tried to justify my decision to have an earlier night instead of doing my revision. i need to stop this 'justifying' thing. it's becoming more obvious. you know i always preach that i am the only person who can decide what i want to do, and yet i'm continually trying to find a reason behind every action, usually the ones that i felt guilty about.

you know what, i think this is the sleepy brain writing. i've written too much. i'm too sleepy and tired, and i'm going to bed now. selamat malam...

ps: oh yeah... it's F1 this weekend!! wooo hoooo!! me so happy :D. ok back to bed zzzzz

STUPID PEOPLE

3/07/2007 09:51:00 PM 0 Comments »
guys will ALWAYS be guys

a guy i know and respect had a mistress behind his wife's back. he said he did it for curiosity and that other of his friends are doing it as well. yeah... your friends makan taik then you also want to makan taik la?

a guy i know and respect is still going out with girls besides having a girlfriend and insists that they are just friends. mind you, he only goes out with beautiful, gorgeous girls and totally tak kisah mampus-ko-jatuh-longkang on plain, not-so-beautiful girls. like you think we're blind and stupid?

a guy i know and respect has just broken up with his girlfriend and posted pictures of him with another girl who definitely looks like a bitch. and yeah, he insists the new girl has 'a good heart' and fails to notice that she was the mastermind behind the breakup. a good example of stupidity and buta, of course

MACAM CELAKA

LETAK OTAK KAT BONTOT

most guys are that. fucking serious

i wouldnt dream to say this to these people who i know not just for short while, but YEARS AND YEARS but they are indeed MACAM CELAKE

this is not just being moody. this is being totally angry and super pissed off

.............

3/07/2007 07:38:00 PM 1 Comment »
tade mood tade mood

................................................................

langsung tade mood. surgery sucks! fine, it's just the first week but surgery sucks! even before you start it, the surgical tutor said to avoid this and that surgeons cos apparently they dont like teaching and they particularly dislike medical students. d'oh.. talking about keeping student motivated. especially student like me who is not very motivated anyway. the timetable is disorganised, seminars and lectures been cancelled twice this week at 10 minutes after the supposed time, and some are cancelled as well for next week. there are only 2 surgical wards to cover between 9 of us, and that do not include 3rd years and 4th years' option students. i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate surgery!!!

takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood

which makes me moody as well

WEI ADE ORG PEKAK KE DUK KAT UMAH NI??? HAVE THE TV ON AT SUPER DUPER TOP VOLUMES???

fuck off

when i'm moody, i'm evil

cook

3/03/2007 10:42:00 PM 2 Comments »
just spent 5 hours today cooking... and me soo liiiikkkee it :D i find it soooo theraupeutic. i made chicken rendang, nasi tomato, a bit of sayur campur and bubur caca. masak.. think i must be a cook in my previous life. i like to cook alone, then pk tu pk ni, mostly reflection bout what's been happening in my life, you know when you want to stand still for a while and have a think about something. what's that word in malay.. ber-.. ala if you think for a while about what's been happening around you tu? anyway hope you got what i mean. i like to do that while i'm cooking, or while i'm on the bus, travelling alone. pk tu pk ni, then try to make some conclusions, or just think about what i did in the past few days.

anyway, back to the cooking topic, i just discovered something last week. i like to cook, genuinely (providing no one force me to cook, you know i got issues with ppl pushing me..), then i thought i would have no problem when i got married, cos then i would be able to cook not just for myself, but also for my husband. azali seemed to like my cooking, i used to cook for him for 2 weeks when i spent easter hols at his place many, many seasons ago. so i thought he would be happy to know that i like to cook and that i will cook for him after we got married. his respond surprised me. he asked me NOT to cook too often after we got married. WHAT? his reason is that he likes my cooking so much that he tends to over-eat himself and so making him put on weight. WHAT? when do guys worry about their weight? he said that since the last easter hols that i used to cook for him everyday he got himself a bulging tummy and he couldnt get rid of it until now. WHAT? seriously? i was surprised and flatted, and found it funny and sad at the same time. surprised for his respond. i thought guys would like it when their partner cook for them. i was flatted because he said he likes my cooking. i found it funny because i didnt know he was worried about his tummy (i found it cute anyway :p). and i was sad because i couldnt cook as often as i like after i marry. anyway, this was one of the best compliment he ever gave me (mind you, azali is not the type who give compliments, so you need to understand why i still remember this one). he said this while he was eating, his mouth was full with food that i had cooked for him:

'awak ni (mulut penuh ni.. ngam ngam), kalau masak tu biarlah sedap aje, jgn la sedap sgt, nnt saya makan byk sgt tak ingat dunia'

:DDDDDDD

gosh, i do love this guy. i really do. it amazes me everytime when i think of the many years we've been together, and yet my love to him never ceases. hope there is jodoh antara kite ye...

morning talk....

3/02/2007 12:46:00 AM 1 Comment »
alo alo it's half one in the morning and i'm still awake. why? cos i have no class tomorrow! and i plan to wake up late! saje nak tido lambat, so that boleh bangun lambat hehe (org cam ni pun ade ke hehe). today supposed to be the last day of medicine rotation, meaning assessment day, and since i've already had mine yesterday, meaning i dont have anything today and dont have to go to the hosp. heaven! dont get me wrong, i enjoy medicine tremendously lately, but it is nice to wake up late and not thinking about revision once in a while.

this week has been another busy one. especially with the assessment that i was having yesterday. it was a long case assessment, of course i was nervous cos i dont like the uncertainty part, meaning you wont know what kind of patient you're having up to until you ask them about the reason they came to the hosp. well i can say it's the same in all assessments, you wont know what they are going to ask or else there wont be any assessment, will there? anyway, it went well and i was so happy! muehehehe. i was happy becos it's over and now i can have a long weekend. i'm starting surgery on monday and am so not looking forward for that. havent met any nice surgeon yet. all that i met were all arrogant and snobbish. and i'll be seeing them everyday for next 8 weeks. so not looking forward for that.

i received a sad news last weekend. one of my aunt passed away for chest infection. i wasnt closed to her, but again i'm not closed to any of my relatives. but arwah had always been there. she was my dad's eldest sister and she lived with my grandma so she had always been around. i used to live with my grandma when i was young and she was there too. and i know my cousins ie arwah's children quite well cos we grew up together. the death was unexpected so i was quite sad to hear how my cousins took the news. i couldnt help myself but to imagine being in their shoes. i could not, and would not forgive myself if it happens to me. no, no i know i shouldnt think like this, but one cannot help but to think this way when one is away from one's family. astagfirullah. anyway, this event has made me more determine to pass my exams this june. i want to pass my exams and go home and spend good quality time with my loved ones. cos you never know when they are going to leave you.

anyway, shall we talk about something more cheerful now? hmm... i bought a really nice top earlier this week but i dont know whether it suits me. really nice blue colour, but it's long and covers my bum, and you know about me and my bum. one reason why i wear short tops and shirts, cos apparently my upper half body is a different size to my lower ones, so everything that fits the upper half wont fit the bottom half, got what i mean? hmm i think my attempt to write something cheerful is not working...

oklah, think i need to sleep now. tomoro's plan: wake up late haha. then get some shower, then walk to the uni to meet ellina at about 3ish, then we'll go to ikea together. why ikea? cos they have one of the best fish and chips here. of course la after north shields' fish and chips haha. then ronda2 metro centre, and maybe catch a movie later tomoro night? hehe best best jalan2 on the weekday cos less people on the street hihi. good night.