i'll be fine :)

7/31/2005 03:19:00 PM 0 Comments »
nice, relaxing, calm sunday.

my face has stopped swollen, but the skin is shredding (yup, you read it right, it is shredding) for the 3rd times now. pelik? mmg pun. i'm not sure what went wrong, i eat the same food and do the same thing, nothing's new or weird. but i'm grateful it has stopped swollen, i now use boot's aqueous cream anytime, everytime i shower and put quite some amount of it on my face throughout the day. it's the simplest cream that you can get and i'm not sure what else to use if it doesnt help with my skin. and that the stress already over, i'll have a calm and hopefully organised weeks ahead of me, and hope that my skin goes alrite soon.

ellina and oja came over on friday nite and we talked and talked until 5am in the morning. i'm truly happy, they remind me of the old memories with the old self me, just hanging out with some old shopping partners, with some great late nite talks, with all the gossips and laughs and discussions and plans. i truly, utterly, honestly like them :)

later on saturday i went to odeon with ct and nadine to catch 'charlie and the chocolate factory' or otherwise infamously known in my house as the wanker hehe (cos the main character's name is willy wonka, hence the wanker hehe). it's a typical tim burton's movie, with the over-imaginery settings and costumes with his fav actor, johnny depp, looking at his weirdest but still looking pretty fit himself. i like the movie, it is exactly like what a children movie supposed to be, nobody got killed and that there's a good moral at the end (hint hint not like certain 'children' stories which kill more and more innocent people and the villain got stronger and stronger each book, but i still lluuuurrvvvvee them anyways haha)

i know i havent been honest to everyone, well, not that i'm not being honest, i just prefer not to discuss certain topics to anyone. i know that they are not anyone, they are some of the closest people in my life, but i like to face this journey alone without offending anyone. and i'm thankful to have a bunch of people who cares and supports me in any way they can, and again, thank you. i'll be fine, i know i'll be fine. to quote from a friend, 'it's just happen that our darkest time are while we're in the meds school, i know this will help us become stronger to face the uncertainty of the future'. and that's the words from a chronic bipolar friend of mine, and i'm pretty sure that the others have some beautiful words themselves.

think i better leave it there. just to end this blog with this month horoscope:

'This month, you should try to become more confident, dear Leo, and you should start with it no earlier than today. Believe in your abilities! You might have found out that the people you admire are to a large extend a mere reflection of yourself. You may be upset by this obvious fact, but if you start believing in yourself this month, you will be in on big surprises.'



7/27/2005 11:27:00 AM 0 Comments »
such a gloomy day

my face is swollen especially around the eyes and mouth. they said i was allergic to something but i'm not sure what thing that can cause my face to be like this. it's now super dry, super itchy, red and hot. apo aa..nk senyum pun susah, takut kulit crack sbb kering sgt. have to bath and wash my face with the aqueous cream. i suspect it's eczema which got infected etc, cause i have a strong family history of eczema, but the doc insisted that it was due to an allergic reaction. anyway, i'm off work today. my employer doesnt mind, i can come to work anytime i want, as long as i work at least 6 hours per week. the rest is considered over-time and they'll pay me extra, on top of my fixed pay every month.

nothing much happen nowadays. nadine's off to calisle (pronounced ka-la-il) to start his houseman job. ct's in sunderland and yus, hm, he's all over the place. i'm working most of the days so the house is mostly empty on the day. ellina and oja are coming this weekend, that's something to look forward to, and i plan to make rendang for them. but ct and yus want nasi lemak plak. at the end i decide to cook rendang and nasi lemak + sambal ikan bilis. tapi nk nasi tomato. hmm. yus said rendang cannot be eaten with nasi tomato. but rendang with nasi lemak? hm..it's very clear now that i'm super bored and couldnt write anything else but food.

cant think of anything else to write. am kinda pissed off to the fact that i couldnt call mama, the phone reception at the new house is soo bad i couldnt reach her at all. nk tunggu telekom tu mesti at least 2-3 weeks. sayang is super good and super nice. and i really mean it. he's always there whenever, wherever i need him. cuma kekdg die agak blur + buat lawak bodoh inappropriately, but when he realises the seriousness of an issue, he can give the most valuable comments and advice. miss ya >__<

the days after the exams

7/23/2005 11:57:00 PM 0 Comments »

finally my mood is better for me to jolt down a few words here.

my last paper was yesterday. it was alrite. and my 2nd last paper was the day before, it was horrible. it was beyond words. i was so very sad and down on thursday nite i thought of jumping the tyne bridge. no of course i didnt. it was the pain of working hard and then had to answer about some unheard syndromes. it was bloody hard, bloody painful, bloody sad. all i can do now is pray. i'm so not sure what will happen to me if i dont pass this exams, thinking of it makes me wondering what it would feel like to be 'inside' tyne river, so better not to go there. i appreciate no sympathy comments, if there is any, cos first, it's not my intention to get sympathy for writing this in my blog, second, i dont like sympathy nor assurance other than from those who actually marks the papers itself, thank you very much

bet there's some anger and frustation and moody stuff left huh

lets just leave that behind shall we

as soon as the final paper finished on friday, i met up with ct, yus and radzi at the odeon to watch the fantastic 4. altho my head ached, i enjoyed the movie as much as i enjoyed the company. everyone seems in a good mood nowadays. anyway, the movie was good and light, good for me who prefer light and easy and with predicted ending movie. movies nowadays have gone more complex each day, with hidden plots, like there's a twist every 2 seconds, plus the special effects that can make you 'waaahhhh' or 'nga nga nga'. fantastic 4 is a simple superhero movie, with good spandex costumes (hehe), easy and straight forward scripts and adequate special effects. good :)

today i was in an extremely good mood. sayang is in kuantan now to accompany sidek (think some of you might remember sidek from kmys..yup, that sidek) who gonna meminang a girl (zu, budak upm who did matriks at kmys. tak ingat? me neither) who happens to live in kuantan as well. sayang took this opportunity to visit my parents in their new house. yup, the house is finally ready and they have all moved into it last week. i like the fact that sayang is a thoughtful person. like, imagine if it was me, i wouldnt dare to go and stay (yup, he stays overnight at my parents' house) in my future-in-law's house without my fiance. dah tu sayang kamcing bebenor with my mum ('mama elly suke bercerita, saya suka dengar, best lah dgr die cerite'. me--->..err..for 2-3 hours?). well, i'm not complaining huh. think my parents like him too, i think becos sayang is a quiet person who listens well (thing that i like him the most) and like me, my parents dont like way too talkative person who talks rubbish.

so that brightens my day. woke up today feeling very lazy, but i decided to tidy up my room. and indeed i did. changed the bed sheets, tidied the book shelf and my notes, and hovered the whole room. finished it all with burning some teddy tales oil fragrant. nice. me like clean room. nice smell. hmm..didnt do much after that. nadine was nice enough to cook dinner for everyone (lepas me and ct pakse die hihi) and then we watched some tvs. lots of good movies in the tv tonite, we were spoilt of choices, but my heart went to the new (in the uk) tv series, 'House'.

it's a weird series, 'house' is for dr house, the main character of the series. he's, well, a doctor, who is unique (i would say, rude, sometimes) in his contact with his patients. he hates patients, but he's very good in making diagnosis (surprise surprise), he thinks outside the box, if you know what i mean. altho what he does is a typical job for doctors everyday (patient comes with symptoms, doc does history, examinations, investigations etc etc and comes out with a diagnosis or a different diagnosis at the end) and basically that's it. it's a very, very medical series (i'm very not sure how can a non-medical viewer enjoy this series, i can see that in yus's bored face) and i'm very impressed of myself for enjoying this series (me? i dont even like er).

anyway, think i wanna enjoy today and tomoro to the most, before, hopefully, starting to work at the gp surgery again on monday. i told the practice manager at the surgery that i'm not going home this summer and they agreed i can work extra days for them. i wont work for the whole 5 days, just about 3 days each week, hopefully that can give me some extra money. apparently the mara thingy hasnt settled yet, but i've done all that i need to do, but being mara, neither you nor i can change the way they work aka the delays. i'm pretty penniless at the moment but that wont stop me from enjoying this weekends (positive elly, positive)

think i want to read harry potter 6 after this. this time i want to read lines by lines, words by words. oh yeah, forgot to tell you that straight after my last blog entry (ie the night harry potter 6's been launched), i asked nadine, who went to que and buy the book at midnight in town, to buy a copy for me too. i know i know i shouldnt do that, but the thought of having 2 persons who live in the same house reading the latest harry potter book and me have to wait for a week? i so dont very think so. but of course at that time i had to skip lots of lines in order to finish it early (to continue my revision lor) and as a result i missed to realise most of the hints about the ending. the consequence of that? i cried like a (pathetic) baby for a few hours and who else to hear me mengadu? altho he hasnt read the book, and he's a harry potter fan as well, but sayang was willing to listen to all my crying, me cerita A to Z on what happen in the book. bless him. a good listener he was. a selfish fiancee i was. what to do, when a fiancee cries like hell, sape lagi nk pie ngadu? to her fiance lah hehe. nice bloke he is :)

ok ok i want to lay on my newly-changed-bedsheets bed now. might go to town tomoro. NO. tomoro is F1 day. THE F1 race day. mane leh pie mane2. have a nice weekends everyone!

ps/ woo hoo! naruto dah siap download! 4 series beb! wa puasa 4 minggu tu hihi

slugs & monkey

7/15/2005 01:31:00 AM 2 Comments »

just finished my first paper this morning. hmm..

no one should ask me anything bout the paper k? like anyone would, but just in case..

anyway, it's been really hot in newcastle, except yesterday when it rained for a while and the sun seemed shy to reveal itself. today is alrite. not too hot, but still the sun is no where to be seen. and hmm.. why the hell am i writing about weather?

before terlupe, i got a very very bad news for ellina. yup, you. we found...SLUGS in the kitchen. 4 slugs so far, in 5 nites. besar bapak gila babi nyer. even bigger than my thumb. serious. and as usual, i performed my duty aka as a slug slayer and you know what yus said? 'ee i tak jenis bunuh-bunuh. tak baik huh bunuh' or something like that, siap buat muka2 sekali. not sure bout ct and nadine's views. wish you are here, ellina, i'm sure you'll back me up, or at least be at my side. he made me feel guilty about killing those horrible creatures. like i'm gonna care bout what he said. if tak bunuh, one day the same slug will return and beranak gile banyak. dah la my room is the only one downstairs. i'm determined to fulfill my task huh. and one more thing, it's not my intention to not picking up your call, but you always call me in the wrong time, mase aku mandi la, mase aku masak aa. do call me sometime key bebeh hihi

been a bit moody lately surprise surprise

and sayang hasnt helped either. think i shall call him monyet again. dah perangai cam monyet. got this satu minah cina sabah or sarawak yg macam minat kat die. stupid monyet told me the night before i took my exam. memang nk kene cili betul. i'm not blaming the girl, honestly, the blame is 110% on the guy. and i hate immature guys. everyone knows i hate childish guys. lagi mahu being childish. fine, you do what you want and i just refuse to care. dont call, dont text and do what you want k? bye!

what was that all about?..ignore..

think i deserve a short break today. think i shall continue my book 'the journey to the centre of the earth'. or shall i continue 'the da vinci code'? dua2 pun best gile. alamak, harry potter book will come out tonite! no! i know if i start that book, i just cant stop and lupe everything else, mandi, makan semua lupa. so the best solution is to not start on that book. safer to wait till next friday when i finish my exams. hope i'm patient enough to do that.

7/11/2005 10:59:00 PM 0 Comments »
ngantuk sih. i'm supposed to start my psychiatry's cd with the laptop, tapi tgh buat pe skrg? update blog...pandai...

hope to write a short one.

nothing much. finished my class to have exams at the end this week. revision is alrite, but not good. not as good as i expected. the counselor told me not to expect too much of myself and takes things easily. a ha.

these past few days had not been the best of days. it wasnt bad; but it wasnt good either. but as usual, we cant have good day everyday, can we? it wasnt stressful, in fact it was moody. yup, i was moody in these past few days. lack of sleep and being a minor autistic (ha.ha.so.funny.not.laughing) i wasnt completely comfortable when there are crowds surrounding my life. let's just leave it there, shall we

got the long-awaited parcel from kak lysa this morning ye ye. it made my day. it contains some magazines that i love most..teka aa. nope, not mangas. nope ellina, not playboys, why would i want that magazine when i have my impian girl living upstairs? hehe just kidding jangan takut aa makcik bilik atas. i also received some kopoks, a vcd (sepet) and a t-shirt that kak lysa bought for me from hongkong. nice.

gtg. cya

roller coster

7/05/2005 11:02:00 PM 1 Comment »
finally i have some time to write something in here.

these past few days had been the most stressful days ever! at that time i was still home alone and the house was messier than ever. supposed to have my child health assessment on thursday last week but the patient didnt turn out so they asked me to come again on friday. when i went there the next morning, it turned out that there wasnt any clinic AT ALL on friday morning. bloody hell. like i have the whole time in the world to come back and forth to attend a non-existing clinic. i was really annoyed and hence wrote some nasty entry before this one before i decided to delete it off. why? because no one, even myself, would like to read an angry entry.

then on the weekend i had to finish my 2000words essay. bukan sebarang essay, it was a literature review essay and super bloody hell, i had to spend the whole weekend at the library trying to get some journals. and i think the final result was the worst ever essay i've ever written. and yeah, i need to do some presentation as well on my essay topic. bloody stupid. i usually do my written essay stuff earlier, but since the practical assessment supposed to be on the thursday before the weekends, and being a total try-hard-but-useless organised person, i hope to settle things one step at the time, like practical essay first, then essay, then presentation. tapi bila satu tersangkut, everything got mixed up, and being org yg cepat gelabah, things gone from bad to worse.

then on the weekend byk plak dugaan. not a bad one, well dugaan IS dugaan, they got lots of good stuff on the tv that weekend (?? dugaan). they had F1 on both days, then wimbledon final on BOTH days as well, and live8 concert, on BOTH days as well, since they had it live for all live8 concerts around the world and that the time zone difference made it that bbc1 and 2 had them live both days. and..we had to kemas rumah as well since the families and guests are coming the next week.

on top of all, i didnt receive my monthly allowance this month. something got miscommunicate at mara kl. just what i needed...another financial hassle..another stress

monday was an anxious one. i couldnt wait to see ct again, donno, i miss her i admit, and i miss seeing a familiar face. went back home to see her (=D) but then got really panicky when i realised about the presentation AND practical assessment the next day (they reschedule it again for last week hassle). bloody nervous. panic about the presentation, i know my essay, which i handed it on monday and is the topic of my presentation IS a crap, and also the practical assessment in the afternoon. panic panic, i started to have my palpitation and sweating and all those sympathetic symptoms again. i wasnt sure what to do, i know i have to do my work but i couldnt because of being too scared. then i realised it's time for me to test the relaxation muscle tape that i was given during the stress control class (gp sent me there). plus a coffee, yup, with caffeine. after that i felt relaxed and calm, yet motivated and had the most beneficial 6 hours of my time, doing my presentation and revising. very good.

just found out that even tho i take coffee with caffeine, + a full and tiring day, the caffeine doesnt disturb my sleep, like what happen in the past. we'll see what happen in the future eh, whether caffeine will affect my sleep or not hmm..

today was a full one, as predicted. had the morning filled with presentation, and mine was the last one, i hate being last, i just want to get it over with, then i realised one big useful thing: the last presentation wont be asked as many questions as the first presentation. cos by then everyone's tired of asking questions or that they run out of ideas etc etc. why didnt i realised this before? (cos you just cant wait to get it over with and then pay the consequence of having to answer thousand questions). the presentation went well, fuh, well, i wasnt sure about my grade, but they seemed satisfied (again, i might misjudge, but who cares, i'm done with the presentation anyway). had to go straight to gp surgery in the afternoon for the summative assessment (bloody too much assessment, but basically it is for my last week assessment at the gp surgery gila bapak stress but some of it is over now). after that, i went back straight to the hosp to have my all-awaited child health practical assessment. finally. i was determine not to go back home until they assessed me. not that i want to be assessed, it's something that is needed to be done to pass this rotation and i want to be done with. and i HAD my assessment. got a sweet lil boy who lost his conciousness at school, some head injury, then vomitted while i examined him (a. ha. WHILE. i. examined. him.) so i hope all med students + young dr out there know where i'm going at (LOC -> head injury ->vomiting..) anyway, it went well and i finished at about 6. fuh..

went back home to join ct and em and their families for dinner at komal. good food. thanks ct. went back home to meet nadine (yeyeyeyeyye) and his family (cikgu haja ade kat umah aku SEKARANG.. can you believe that? gile terkesima sat tgk die first time nga nga nga). cant help myself. anyway, i'm really happy tonite to see ct, nadine and em again, along with their family. everybody's home and i'm happy :)

couldnt help but to hope my mum is here. it would be a very awkward scene to see my parents mix with my friends' parents. dont you think so? i've always this thought in my mind: school and home ARE 2 different places, or even 2 different dimensions, and that they could not possibly exist together. like i used to live with wirda, liza, mus, and laila, and all those wing-mates at taiping, but i never ever bring them to my house. it wouldnt be acceptable. in my mind. donno. so..back to reality world, altho i wish my mum is here with me right now, i dont think my mind will be able to accept it. haha weirdo think i should get some sleep now. think this is the coffee effect that i drank before the practical assessment this afternoon. or maybe my endophine aka happy hormone was too high tonight as a result of seeing my housemates again. or maybe the indian food that we had at komal which has high cholesterol level. and i think my blog has more medical terms now that it used to. rite...fine...good night :)

ps:/ there 12 people in my house at the mo, and there's 1 toilet. haha we'll managa..

ps:/ congratulations to nadine and em who graduate tomoro!! if my day ends early tomoro, i'll go and see ya at king's hall ok?

7/01/2005 08:20:00 PM 0 Comments »
apologise on my last entry.

i shouldnt let in out loud like that.

i was really angry. am still angry.

i'm so angry.