1/31/2004 03:23:00 AM 0 Comments »
cant sleep. tossing on my bed for an hour b4 me giving up. there's nothing on the tv, so i might as well turn on the laptop and do some blogging.

the seminar went well (refer my previous blog). quite useful. finally, there are ppl out there who understand how i feel rite now. how i hate medicine so much, how i hate meeting patient, being intrusive about their life, busy trying to think the possible diagnosis + management bla bla bla. okla, some ppl can try to understand this feeling of mine, like my frens, but they cant understand. they CANT. how can you say you know this hatred feeling if 1) you dont do medicine 2) you do medicine but you yourself are very much in love with it?

fine fine, i respect the 'friendship thingy' but dont you feel you are being dishonest? i would prefer if you say you dont know how i feel, and dont even try to understand, but say that if i dont feel happy with what i'm doing, so do something about it. that's it. full stop. dont try to give me advice, cause i dont like to have any advice from ppl who DONT/CANT understand my problem. that's why i tend to keep any problem to myself, cause i dont like to even hear any advice from ppl who i think not qualify to give any advice. it seems harsh, but go and think about it. for example yeh, if you have a problem about relationship, do you ask for advice from the ppl who 1)never have any relationship ie no experience 2) have bad reputation in relationship 3) have a happy and blissful relationship? none of the above are qualified to give any advice as they do not ie cannot understand how exactly having that kind of problem, unless if they have been in the same situation as yours. you might be tempted to ask for advice from the 3rd group of ppl above, but the chances are that they may be some fortunate couples who never have any relationship problem before, or never have THAT same problem as yours and any other possible reasons for them to NOT simply understand your problem at all. and for me, if they DO NOT, CANNOT understand your problem, i cannot even hear any advice from them. complete waste of time. for that reason too, i wont even bother telling them my problem, cause nothing can be gain from the consultation.

i know i know, from what i wrote above, to find those ppl who can understand a specific problem and thus qualify to give any advice, are quite limited. but i think this is better, than to keep rushing around, telling ppl about your problem and receives tons of advices until you dont know which one to accept. complete waste of time. might as well keep the problem yourself, try to find ppl who CAN understand your problem (if there is any) and gives precious advice, and you yourself can take your time and decide whether want to accept the 'qualified' advice or not. in my case, how can a person understand how i hate this medicine course if you yourself are very much enjoying it? i'm not blaming you for not having the same feeling as mine, believe me i'm not, but dont ask me about my problem and say you totally understand how i feel?

well, if not because of the 'friendship thingy' i would have said this to their faces, but i have not. i try to 'politely' refuse to tell them my problem and hopefully they understand (stop bugging me!). if not, then you can be like azali, who insists to know my problem (who blames him, his my bf), then i told him to shut up COMPLETELY throughout the whole 'pouring' process cause i dont want to hear any, ANY thing that he says. full stop. harsh, maybe, but as usual, he accepted this condition and didnot say A THING troughout the consultation. but that is bcos he loves me to rot (true..if not, dont think he can last this long with me hihi). but i dont think my frens can handle this. not this, it's harsh.

back to the seminar. there were 3 qualified docs and 1 med school drop-out (he said it himself). all with different stories. but they all said the same theme. they didnt like medicine and felt it horrible and painful to carry on. they didnt like seeing patient, being intrusive yada yada yada. (which are how i feel hmm..) then all their colleagues didnt seem to understand, didnt take them seriously ie they had lack of support and advices on what to do next. (which is like me hmm..) and their stories carried on. i dont want to waste this blog writing every detail stories about them, but my point is that i feel very relief for knowing that i'm not alone, i'm not a weirdo for not liking medicine, which almost every ppl like (or at least >90% of malays in ipta malaysia, yup, it's true).

and one other thing, b4 i leave, stop reminding me of the things that i'm aware of. it's ANNOYING. reminding me about mara, about my parents, about my future yada yada yada. I KNOW. I'M AWARE. but since that i dont like to hear any advice, it may take some time for me to solve this problem, but you dont need to remind me. i know i have a thick skull to penetrate all of these, but there's nothing i or you can do about it. it can even get thicker (can it? yes it can..) if you do those annoying things..

after what i have told you, i think (or more precisedly, i'm sure..) that most of my current frens will be scared or even run away. there's nothing i can do about that. i'm simple, though, to be lived with, if you stop being intrusive, and i wont bother yours. dont ask question (of course you can..logic la..you know what i mean, 'being intrusive aka busy body la tu). i've been like this, since soo long ago, but most of my frens dont realise this. cause i've never been closed to anyone. i mean close, close. like, die die together la, if you know what i mean. elina used to tell me that i'm quite ok to be a housemate and live with other ppl (i hope she meant this) that i have less 'karenah' compared to other ppl. can also ask other ppl who used to live with me like wirda, liza, laila. but hei, i dont know how honest they have been with me, but dont think i have any major problem with them. and dont think i'm a loner, like to be alone, i do like the company of frens and i have lots of frens too (but not the many-est in the world la.DAA). enuff la.

YO. panjang wei. mesti korang bosan baca. ha ha. nite everyone. oh ye, selamat hari raya aidiladha a.k.a. raya haji. maaf zahir batin pade sape2 yg terase bile baca blog ni. well, sape makan chili, die terase pedasnye. soli ya. sayonara

1/30/2004 02:53:00 PM 0 Comments »
tak de mood sgt for these past few days. stayed in my room most of the time, done nothing. went to town twice, just to settle a few important matters with the bank, bought myself some foods, that's it. it's also freezing outside, finally newcastle has its snow after waiting fruitlessly for 2 months. today's weather is moody, grey clouds, no snow at sight, might be bcos of the rain, i think, last nite. but i bet it's still freezing outside, possibly raining, too layzee to check it through the window. actually i have a plan today. a plan to attend a seminar in medic school about alternative route in medicine. in the email mentioned about a few ppl who will talk about their experience doing a med degree but ending up doing something else because of the lack of interest to be a doctor. interesting..but with the weather outside, and me still in my pyjamas, the heater is on..not sure i want to go or not. 've been looking forward for this talk since last week...ok la, think i might as well go. yup, i need to go out to get some cash too to pay my house rent. okla guys, catch you later.

1/27/2004 06:39:00 PM 0 Comments »
have been bz for these past few days...reading and trying to finish Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix. damn. not the book, but this not-so-good feeling whenever i finish reading Harry Potter book. any HP book. it happens everytime. guess that's why i'm not that keen in reading fiction books, because i'll be that kind of person who is very much attached to the story, emotionally/mentally etc you name it. bet i'll have dreams about HP tonite. it feels so real, i mean the story, as if it's a true story, feels like all the characters do exist, Hogwarts, wizards etc etc...it feels soo damn real. that's what i like most about JKRowling. in case you didnt know, she is the writer of the Harry Potter books. JKR describes her characters in a very detailed manner, and the storyline is quite bizarre yet very interesting indeed. nevertheless, us, the readers are too absorbed into it we would believe it anyway no matter how illogical it would have been if it was true. and i'm here, therefore, to officially announced that i, sincerely regret to what i've said last year about LOTR being better than HP. the movie, it might be, but other than that HP is the best ever. for me. so dont ever get angry with me. my opinion. my taste. my blog.

here i am. in front of the computer. trying to browse the internet about..Harry Potter. hunger for more, any news/forum/hint/rumours/anything about all 5 Harry Potter books and the forthcoming book 6 and the 'holy' book 7. just watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban's movie trailer+pics..over and over again. it's due in cinema on 4th of June '04, hmm..not sure whether it's for us or uk. think i might just watch both Harry Potter's movies tonite. think elina got at least one of them.

this happens to me everytime. i got too easily absorb into something. like, a month ago, when i was responsible of spreading the 'anime fever' within my house. it all started with a few anime dvds from a fren, then my housemates got 'infected'. and we craved for more. with the anime's Bittorent, manga online, wallpaper etc etc. it felt soo damn real. it still do, but i guess it'll wear off after sometime. it's an anime, for god sake, not even a real human! but it felt so real. 4 dvds, 50 episodes, 4 main gorgeous, state-of-art characters and b4 we know it, all 4 of us have our own favourite character, download more anime, manga etc etc.

why cant we separate between reality and fantasy? guess because it would be much easier and lively to have lived in a fantasy world. where everything is reachable. and answerable. versus the reality which is reckless, brutal, gain-something-but-lose-something..basically THE real world that we all have lived, after one generation to another. reality hurts. and also it would be much easier to read about other ppl lives than to have to view and go through our own.

why am i doing this? cause i am bored, sitting on my bed with nothing particular to do, it's sub zero degrees outside and i'm hungry but cant seem to make my legs to move and go to the kitchen cause it's damn cold...nah..think i should start my Harry Potter movie now..Good day everyone..

1/25/2004 02:05:00 AM 0 Comments »
nothing much happen. oja came to newcastle from glasgow. saw clips of her sis's wedding. OMG..nak kawin! this happens everytime i see/view/watch wedding ceremonies. damn tul la. cant get married now. want something really bad, but cant have it right now huh. dont get me wrong..i'm not wanting to get married, as in 'married', but i like the ceremony soo much! ngan pak andam nye, pelamin (since when did i like pelamin..but guess things change lol), all the costumes..WAAAAAAA. damn. damn.

ape aa azali ni. apsal ko jauh sgt huh? rase nak baling2 je huh. just realised i havent seen him for, like, 5 months. feel so distant la ngn die. me plak kind of ppl yg lupe muka org, muka bf sendiri pun selalu lupe. that's why i have his pics on my wall and in my purse. bukan jiwang ke ape, but i truly forgot his face la. dono la. funny huh. somehow his face doesnt stick on my mind. no picture memory of him. so kene aa tgk dinding everyday lol. miss him.

talking about things that puzzle me, here are some other things which i myself dono the answer..

1. when talking to my mum and she got angry/raise her voice etc. everytime mesti end up crying. though i dont want to cry! I HATE CRYING... but this thing kan, puzzle me soo much la. when your body and mind dont want to do that 'thing' but still end up doing that 'thing'. huh tak puas hati

2. what azali sees in me. why does he like me and be my bf. nope, not a single clue. honest

3. complete satisfaction in having conversation with huda by phones. mind you, most of the time i dont like to talk to any ppl at all. dont care, dont want to care. but then the conversation went very satisfying. EVERYTIME. i just felt satistied at the end of every conversation, no matter how bad/misrerable (kill kill kill die die die situation huh) i was at the beginning. magic sgt cause there's soo few ppl, if there is any, who can do that. nope, not even azali. nak kene shout ade aa

4. talking to my dad through phones..in english. automatic. dono why. biasenye ckp malay je when come face-to-face.

doh la tu. merepek. dont know why i'm writing all these. oo patut aa..it's almost 3am pun. nite nite

1/23/2004 10:42:00 PM 0 Comments »
la la la
...ok la. sory for my previous blog..guess i was..er..angry..guess it might 'disturb' someone, anyone. sory gaks cos i didnt actually mention about the decision i made. i wrote that way bcos i didnt want to attract too much questions. nor do i want ppl to worry bout me (who?). this blog is for me, and for me to lepas geram, tuk hepi, for my feelings etc etc. i didnt write this blog to gain sympathy, view, opinion etc etc. ask no question and i tell no lie (hehe got it from Harry Potter).hope ppl wont bother too much by this blog, it surely doesnt concern you all. me and my complicated mind, so be it, and for sure, i'll cope and manage. if i need help, i'll get any. if not, let me be in peace (heheh)

for sure, i'm ok now, at least, stable lah (after 4 boiled eggs, Harry Potter and lots and lots of chocholates). just went to watch Scary Movie 3 with nadine and ct, it was quite fun. i mean the outing, not the movie huh. the movie is quite ok, not quite as good and funny as Scary Movie 1 and 2, but watchable. but if you have a computer + broadband, better download it la from imesh or kazaa, unless you have some extra money + some good frens to watch it together (er..i only got the latter..huhu mishkin..but nvmd la).

have a nice weekend and Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha (this Sunday huh, bet sket je yg tau). Maaf zahir batin. Peace

1/21/2004 05:42:00 PM 0 Comments »
...just made a decision today. i'm scared, yet determined. i dont know what i want to do, but i know what i dont want to do. i've been trying to DO this, since last year, and i'm not kidding, yet no one take me seriously enuff. satu pihak ni keep on telling me to carry on, carry on, carry on...i shouldnt have listened to them! such a waste, now i lost a year of my life! another pihak ni super duper motivated. positive thinking la..with usaha + tawakal + doa..everything can come true. you know what, I DONT BELIEVE THAT ANYMORE! bullshit. bende tu lah yg actually brought me to my current situation now. then another pihak plak..too anxious, kelam kabut, think think think bla bla bla tak paham ape mende bla bla bla me being a DIFFICULT and STUBBORN child and always will be bla bla bla scolding me bla bla bla. i'm sick of it!

and this damn fucking landlord, keep on phoning and ringing on our door. hell knows what he's up too, i'm not in a very, what i might say, 'pleasant' mood, esp to this stupid landlord. he actually helped himself in, and knocked on my room (!!) hell knows what i was going to do to him if he manage to meet me in my current condition (the least i can do is to SHOUT rite onto his bloody face, imagine lah the rest..hint homicide..). thankfully, my door suddenly tak leh bukak, well i dont know what actually happen since i was on the bed, sitting, with my back towards the door. if only, if only he actually talk to me rite now, he would have wished to have never been borned, at all! i think God still has mercy on him, that's why my door cant be opened.

well, i've made my decision. as my counsellor said, everybody is scared rite now. i mean, everbody in my life lah. but who will be scared the most! ME! cause it's my damn, good-for-nothing life!...what a messed life i have...and dont you tell me about other ppl's life being messier bla bla bla not grateful bla bla bla..cause i know, aware and hate it when somebody reminds me the thing that i already know.

yada yada yada..me being angry again. and stubborn. STUBBORN. who actually create this fucking word? well, i guess ppl like me lah. who is stubborn. angry+stubborn.

IT'S MY DAMN FUCKING LIFE! me..being angry and stubborn, as well as...selfish

1/20/2004 01:44:00 AM 0 Comments »
hihi. just deleted my previous blog. hmm..not comfortable..keep reminding me of my old self..what the hell..it's my own blog..but still dont feel comfortable...so just delete it!

went to buy the Harry Potter and The Order of Phoenix this afternoon. finally! thanks ct, for your birthday voucher. i've already started reading it hihi..who cares bout the exams? hihihi..talk smooth la rite now..but gelabah later on huh..huhu

just chatted with my old, first roomate ever, mase kat taiping. hi yan! how i miss her. dah besar panjang huh hehehe. suddenly i remember all those memories. yup, i tried to avoid these for so long, i didnt even have any taiping's pics, but as you said, yan, there were also good memories. i shouldnt try to hide the skeleton inside the cupboard, nor put it on exhibition! hihi. perhaps put it somewhere where i know it's there and safe. but our conversation suddenly stopped for no reason, maybe yan got something urgent to do, like the meeting or something, that she left without saying goodbye. hmm..dont think i've said anything offensive, so i really really hope to be able chat with her again soon. yan, thanks for the memories, it'll always be there. hope kite chat lagi ok!

1/20/2004 01:27:00 AM 0 Comments »
la la la
what anything?

have a good day

1/18/2004 02:50:00 PM 0 Comments »
stop all the anger and hatred. i have been an angry person for so long, guess it's time for me to be calm and be in peace. i admit i'm degil/tekad/selfish/individualistic, so be it. not that i'm proud of it, but so be it. i admit i'm all the above, but dont want to get rid of it, but that doesnt mean i dont want to change to a better person. it's been with me for so long, it's part of me, my personality, some knew bout it, some dont, so be it. i dont have that many frens, but with all the frens that i knew and have, i cherish them dearly. they accept me for who i am. i even surprised myself with all the frens that i have today, especially regarding azali. never ever imagine i could meet a person who understands and cares for me so much.

oklah oklah, enuff already. change the topic and mood. might sound a bit weird, but this has been in my mind since ages ago...

one of my worst fear. is to die alone. in an unexpected place. and nobody discover my body until, like 2 weeks later when my body has already started to decompose, or even worst worst, not found at all. i want a proper grave (heheh). with a proper body lah. so i would rather prefer, not that i want to!, to die in a road traffic accident ke etc, so that my body can be found, and not to rot alone, nowhere.

another odd fantasy of elly, of course ;P

1/15/2004 02:32:00 PM 0 Comments »
ayoyo bosannye
i know i'm not supposed to lepakking..exams are just in 2 weeks time, but since my motivation is zero, or even sub-zero, i cant simply forcing myself to read or do some revision. i just cant be bothered about exams. dont care. dont want to care. life is full of s**ts anyway, so why bother? not that i'm in a bad mood rite now, just that i'm not feeling anything. numb? dont think so cause i know how it feels to be numb, believe me. angry? dont think so. annoyed? a little bit, mainly concerning my life. i just dont care. yup...I DONT CARE.

finally the day i've been waiting for has arrived. i'm glad it has finally come, not that i'm worried of anything, i just feet glad that when something supposed to happen, happen.

went to this one website. my senior's website mase kat taiping. saw some pictures. well...those are the people who used to torture us, the junior. one whole year full of hell. hate them soo much. they are the one who initiate all the hatred in our heart. they thought us nothing, they gave us nothing but pure pain, hatred and avengence. to see them alive is a disgrace. well...that's how i feel. it may sound cruel, but as i said, today i just dont care

1/14/2004 02:09:00 PM 0 Comments »
OH MY GOD...dono wat has happened...guilty to the max...overslept 14 hours straight!

dono wat happen. ye la ye la..i do know wat happen. i slept 14 hours straight. tido kul 12 tgh mlm smlm, bangun kul 2 ptg. tak pernah dibuat manusia sebelum nih. or at least aku tak pernah buat aa b4 this. ni semue ubat tu nyer pasal. suh aku pie tido, sbb b4 this aku susah nak tido, but then lepas amik ubat tu, aku tido terlebih2 plak tu. mmg tido betul2 huh. langsung tak ingat dunia. aku set jam kul 9pg nak gie kelas kul 10pg, tapi langsung tak sedar bile or camne aku offkan alarm clock. so not me. pastu sedar2 kul 2ptg..melompat aku dari katil! pening2 sat. tak ingat aku kat ner, bile, bagaimana etc etc. pastu baru teringat yg aku dah miss 2 kelas today...OH NOOO... what have i done? bangun2 terus gie toilet, pastu semayang. zohor dah terbakar dah. pastu buat mocha byk2 suh aku bukak mata. aku nak coffee actually, tapi takde coffee plak..pastu termenung sat. baru aa berpijak kat dunia yg nyata...

ish isk...mocha tu buatkan aku hyper la plak...ter-excited lebih2...rase terkinja2..

yeyey..mu'azzah ajak aku makan kopok kat umah die petang nih. die kate nak buat roti jala gaks tuk aku. besh besh

1/13/2004 08:57:00 PM 0 Comments »
ayooo..musim makan dah mai dah...cant stop eating! perut dah buncit muncit sekrg ni, takleh nak duduk membongkok langsung. kene melentang jeh..fuh...sesak nafas lagi...termengah2...waaa...yet i want more, more, more food...

dont feel like i want to study lah..tomoro class stat kul 10..woo hoo! much much better than 9...tomoro Child Health in the morning and General Meds and/or Oncology for the afternoon. hmm...malaih malaih! i hate children..have i told you that? hmm..i think i have maternal instinct, sometimes...but most of the time, i hate children! they are small, comot, dont know what they want, dont know how to ask for what they want...dan rakan shopping yg definitely tak best!! hmm...sound mcm jahat gile! tak kisah! i know i'll be mak yg garang! 'pie berdiri pandang dinding 2 jam, or sampai bapak ko balik keje!' muehehehe... best best kuasa veto. your life is in my hand...MUEHEHEHE..siap aa anak aku..HA HA HA ..aku takmo anak sebenornye..tapi of course aa laki tu (wonder who? hehe) nak anak kan...so ko yg nak anak..tapi tak leh beranak..so aku beranak..tapi ko la yg besorkan!! HA HA HA HA HA HA

1/11/2004 05:32:00 PM 0 Comments »
what's wrong of being not-too-ambitious?
what's wrong of having a plain dream?
what's wrong of wanting to be a clerk?

nanti bangsa tak maju la.
why do people compete each other?
why do i have to be better than you, you have to be better than me, i have to earn more than you, you have to earn more than me, i get better result than you, you have to get better result than me, i own more things than you, you have to own more things than me, i have a better degree than you, you have to have better degree than me, i have bigger house than you, you have to have bigger house than me?

....is the laziest race on earth....
with who do you compete? yet another competition

if you have a dream, if you are ambitious, if you like money soo much, if you like power, fame soo much..so be it. dont look down to others. dont make a long lists of other races' or religions' weaknesses. nobody perfect. not everyone is as ambitious as you. not everyone wants to be the king of the world. not everyone wants to be the richest man alive.

everybody wants to be happy. there are many many ways which can make people happy.

if something make you happy, it doesnt mean it will surely make others happy. if you know someone is lazy, or lazier than you, it doesnt mean that all the people in that race are lazy.

if you hate something, doesnt mean that that thing is bad. like, i hate wearing skirt, should i say that everybody who wear skirt are stupid? if you hate being lazy, so dont be. but dont judge people who are lazy. if being lazy make them happy, so be it. just go away.

i didnt say i love or hate being lazy. i just hate it when some people who love/hate something, they assume it is the best thing in the world. and they will hate other people who have the opposite/different opinion. well, as it says, i cant hate those who hate other people who have the opposite/different opinion as them.

1/11/2004 12:23:00 PM 0 Comments »
fuck every people

1/05/2004 10:00:00 PM 0 Comments »
Miss Monkey.

Miss Monkey is hard stuff and perhaps the most entertaining woman, that can be found.
She is wild, she is crazy, but very powerful, full of energy and an excellent companion to have fun with.
Intelligent, smart, full of ideas she can be an overdose for those, who like things quiet and in regular order.
Doing sports with her or going out for a dance or any kind of discovery is greatest fun as her wide range of interests and intelligence are safe bets for a jolly good time.
At work she is also very powerful, but sometimes too much talking does result in conflict situations. So also for her less can be sometimes a lot more.

hmm..interesting..anyway, see? even i dont know myself. how can you know me by just reading my blog? bagga to certain ppl

Mr. Monkey.

Mr. Monkey is one of the most gifted and interesting fellows to be explored among the twelve symbols.
Intellectually impressive and equipped with tons of energy and drive he is usually qualified to deliver first class contributions on many fields.
Business, politics, sports, on the screen and in almost any kind of profession he can produce spectacular results, though sometimes his concept can be a little thin and fragile.
He is great when it comes to observation, fast decisions and getting into action, whilst results depend sometimes on luck, rather than a well built foundation.
Amazing is also his uncompromising temper and frequently hard core humor, which may even hurt at times, to keep a conversation exciting.
In fact Mr. Monkey is the true born radical and whoever does like action should meet a Monkey first.

hmm..never like dull ppl

Miss Monkey + Mr. Monkey might be a little bit too wild, but at least no chances for boredom.
muehehehe..never like dull relationship though

1/05/2004 01:39:00 AM 0 Comments »

yey! bought a new pair of boots today. very nice, thank you. all i can say is that it's comfortable, nice height heel, good brand and it's about 75% off. nice one!

kak jua also just arrived from malaysia. nice to see the house is full again. then we watched kak jua's recorded video cam of her cousin's wedding last christmas. nice huh. like to see other ppl's wedding, with all the hantaran, the nice costumes + beautiful makeups and hairdos. i like kirin's wedding; it's simple yet adequate. yup, adequate. some ppl like to have a big and grand wedding, while other ppl prefers a simple ceremony. i guess i'm the latter one. the hantaran was nice. but the credit went to the 'pak andam'...very2 good in making kirin 'glowed'. wah wah..cant wait to get married! (blushing..huhu). but i guess almost everybody want to get married, though i admit there are some minor ones who have the opposite view. in my case, i view marriage as a union with your love ones. it's not about celebration, nor the relatives' gathering, nor telling ppl about that ceremony, nor all the gifts, makeups, beautiful things of being 'raja sehari'. it's about you and that person who you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. the one. so, i am very much prefer to have a very simple wedding, with close families and no guest. because it's your personal celebration. and i dont want any relatives either. just me, my soon-to-be partner, my parents and siblings. no offence to my good friends, as you are as dear to me as to my own family. but i just want to be left alone. actually my perfect wedding will be just me and my partner. but then you need your dad to be the wali. and mum as well as she is the closest human being to me. well...my siblings..since i only have a sister and 2 brothers..dont mind kot. kinda selfish huh. well...any objection...leh pie mampos.

but hei..it's not as simple as that. i admit i'm selfish...but i do have a brain. every action comes with its consequence. though i dont like to talk to ppl, yet i'm still doing it. though i like to be left alone, yet i still hang out with my friends. it doesnt mean that i dont like my friends. i do love and cherish and thanked them for all the wonderful things they've done to me. but it just happen to be that marriage is kinda private to me alone.

some friends told me that i revealed too much in this blog, that i poured too much of myself into it. YOU DONT KNOW ME. i wrote this blog to and for myself. it is meant to please me, not other ppl. if you guys dont like my content, so stop reading it. this blog is not meant for other ppl. it is for my complicated mind (hence the title). i need to have my mind written down so that it wont get too complicated. i need to let out my mind or else i'll be easily disturbed and confused cause i think too much. i used to keep it to myself..nearly gone insane. used to talk to azali, but he's back in malaysia and the phone bill will be very expensive if i want to talk to him everything. used to talk to wall...sewel? used to write it down on some pieces of papers..it didnt work. my blog is my pride. although it's simple and nothing compared to other ppl's blog, but i still like it. this is the place where i can write down anything, it's for me.

so..to those ppl who think that this blog is too open, revealing too much of myself (what's that got to do with you?), stop reading it. what i've written here is nothing. you cant know me by just reading my blog. YOU DONT KNOW ME.

1/03/2004 12:59:00 AM 0 Comments »
huhuhu..cant sleep..mish azali...huhuhu

1/01/2004 06:19:00 PM 0 Comments »
wirda is back! miss her huh. though she's far away, bukannye ckp ngn die pun, but somehow i felt her presence through her blog. pastu she writes honestly. kasik aku idea gak ape nak tulih. takda aa tulih merapu pasal rambut (??!). so...welkam back wirda. cant wait to hear your stories, if you dont mind lah.

and Happy New Year 2004! thought wanted to go to newcastle city centre tuk celebrate new year, cos they will usually have fireworks. but it was damn cold last nite. and windy. and snowing. tapi sket je..tak puas hati..sejuk je yg lebih2. so..me and elina duk diam2 dlm bilik, tgk tv in my room. oklah tu.. couldnt ask for more.

new year means..new resolution. think i want to talk less, listen more. be less emotional. hm..cant think of anything else rite now. nnt if byk2 pun mcm leh ingat everything. cos i think i talked a lot last year (2003 lah). other new resolution might be to be more secretive and privacy a bit more. hmm... patut ke huh? my frens said i'm secretive enuff and indidualistic. but somehow i think i'm not secretive enuff (??!!) tak paham? me pun confused.