2/27/2005 04:25:00 PM 4 Comments »
psyhiatry is damn exhausting. the history taking alone took 1 and a half hour. detail man..detail..A to Z if not Z to A. anyway, thank god it's all over now, i had the oral assessment on thursday, cuak gile cuak. alhamdullillah, it went well and i pass with a rather good marks (*pat myself at the back hihi). so i'm gonna start CIDER soon (chronic illness, disability and rehabilitation) tomoro for 8 weeks. and 1 or 2 weeks will be on my least favourite medical subject in the whole world - orthopaedics. good luck elly, you need that.

what a weird sunday. woke up very, very late this morning, or i might say, afternoon. it's weird becos i'm not in my malas mood now. but just that i dont have anything to do. no plan whatsoever. i dont want to go out as i want to save some money for 'the easter project'. and sunday tv are all rubbish. and i dont have the mood to socialise either. there is nothing to read (aa tipu aa tu) cos am going to start a new rotation soon. i want to mandi but it's freezing mad cold so better wait till the heater's on at 5ish.

takde idea nk tulis ape lagi. blank blank. i cant wait for 'the easter project', dont want to jinx it by writing it here. maybe when it's confirmed. cant wait!

ok, think i should mandi now. lantak aa sejuk, mandi gune air panas kan, so hope it will panaskan toilet lol. and guess what, think i want to cook something sweet after that..but not sure what lol

enjoyable weekend!

2/20/2005 07:42:00 PM 0 Comments »
been a bit bz since my last entry.

you know i hate psychiatry. i've been tangguh2 buat my cases since last week, tho the deadline was last friday, but the consultant said that we can hand them in on monday morning. and i wasnt even half way with my cases on weds night. couldnt be bothered at all. met an anxious schizophrenic old lady on thurs morning, and i presented my case quite well to the old age psychiatrist that resulted me a compliment later that day. i was very motivated after that and ended up doing my cases as soon as i reached home at 5 and finished all 3 of them by midnight. felt rather good for myself, and now i can have a relaxing weekend.

went to work as usual on saturday. got this voucher from specsaver and i thought it would be nice to get coloured contact lenses after work, but then all the opticians there were all booked up till next week, and i know i will have got over my excitement for lenses at the weekend, so i changed my mind. i am too used wearing glasses now so why bother change. i can always get contact lenses later. then i went to do a bit of window shopping, just to buy me some time for my 5 o'clock movie. i decided to catch 3 movies this time, of course i only pay once. it's bloody expensive now! it's now 4.90 for students you know. it's like they increase the price every month! initially i was thinking of watching just 2 movies, but then with the increased ticket price, i decided to catch 3 movies and padan muka odeon haha.

the 1st movie that i watched was In Good Company. Topher Grace is soooo HOT HOT HOT! oh i like innocent looking guys. with skinny body. *drooling cair cair. scarlet johansen wasnt bad, she is pretty, but not stunning, and i cant help but wonder how a petite skinny girl who has thin arms, thighs and bum, but a massive anterior assets. hmm. but i think the best compliment went to dennis quidd, he was very good in this movie. and there was also the CSI las vegas women in this movie, i cant remember her name, she plays dennis quidd's pregnant wife. the overall movie was good, better that average, but the ending was not like i expected, but it was worth to watch. i give 7 out of 10 for this movie.

the 2nd movie was Shall We Dance. it was ok-ish. there were some illogical events on that movie. like how illogical it would be when a teenager who is in the middle of group outing with his friends (here it is called pub crawling) and then met his dad on the way and then decided to invite him along? i dont think so. this doesnt happen in real world. and his dad (richard gere) was in suits all along and he followed his son and the gang to pub/club, and one of the son's girlfriend asked the dad to dance. what? old people dont mix with young people, maybe in church etc, but not in clubs/pubs. and then how can a famous dancer (or should i say latin ballroom dancer, if anyone thought of other kind of dancer like pole dancer haha) invites the launderette people to a formal dance event? nadine told me that maybe these 2 people are closed but it is awkward right? oh maybe i was just being ridiculous over small unimportant things here. good performance from susan sarandon, richard gere was ok-ish, jennifer lopez's was rather emotional, but that night i declared that she has the best body ever ever! such a beautiful and perfect being, i mean physical wise. mak oi, lawa nyer ko... and she portrayed well as a lady who is very much in love with dancing. overall, i give 6 out of 10, it supposed to be 5, but then jlo's body made it 6 hehe bias bias

and the last one was Ocean Twelve. honestly, i was rather dissappointed. the movie was actually ok-ish, better then 5, but not good, if you know what i'm saying. maybe it was because i had a high expectation on that movie. because the Ocean Eleven was such a good movie + with its high profile actors, everyone expects more. the end was predictable, and i thought catherine zeta jones was ordinary looking. she is not stunning, she's pretty though, but again beauty is subjective. and i have to admit that brad pitt IS indeed the sexiest man alive. i saw Mr & Mrs Smith's preview beforehand and i couldnt wait to watch it! anyway, oceon twelve was ok-ish, it is rather stupid i might say, when julia roberts plays herself in that movie. and the fact that her real life husband called danny, and then george clooney who plays his husband in that movie is called danny as well. ha ha. overall i give 6.5 out of 10, mostly for the acting quality, but with a rather weak plot.

i had this 3-in-a-go movie plan sorted out, with each movie's timetable and length time, so that i can watch one movie directly after the other. it was suceessful, i managed to watch all 3 in the row, but then i forgot an important thing. the last movie finished at 12. and the last bus to home was 11.30. pandaaiiii. so i had to walk back home, alone, freezing mad cold, at 12. pandaaii elly pandaaii

sunday morning was another story. SNOW!! finally finally snow has arrived in newcastle. tebal, about 3-4 inches (i know wirda, this is nothing compared to michigan). i slept rather late the night before and planned to woke up late on sunday morning. then about 10-ish i heard yus called 'sape nk main snow..'. i'm always excited with snow, so i decided to drag myself out of the bed to join them. such a good time we had this morning. nadine and shanti joined us later and we built a snowman! it was my 1st ever snowman. besarrr. and the usual..snow fight! hehe best best. it was actually my 1st proper snow fight as well, best best, thanks nadine for the gloves. took some good pictures too :)

then we went back home at 1-ish and yus insisted to watch pontianak haram sundal malam. i'm not a fan of horror movie (more like i am not that brave to watch any) but everybody was there so i think i might just join the group and enjoy myself with the company. it turned out that pontianak was quite a good movie. the choreography was rather good, the plot, acting, script werent bad either. you see, i dont usually watch malay movies, but i can safely say that it is a good movie. and maya karin IS beautiful. you dont have to be a mixed pan-asian with fair skin to be beautiful, and maya karin and normala samsuddin are the living prove of that.

oklah, i better go now. need to sort out my dinner soon, but think i should mandi first. brrrr sejukkkkk....

interesting..

2/16/2005 05:28:00 PM 0 Comments »
thanks zana, it's been useful.

Rank Specialty
1 dermatology (hmm..i do think i like dermo, but kdg2 geli gila)
2 emergency med (definitely NO <-- me panicky type)
3 radiology (i want this <--but a bit scared of radiation effect on fetuses)
4 pathology (hate to admit, but i do like lab works. read: CSI hehe)
5 neurology (double definitely NO NO!!)
6 allergy & immunology (interesting...nah dont think so)
7 rheumatology
8 endocrinology
9 nuclear med
10 colon & rectal surgery
11 gastroenterology
12 anesthesiology
13 pediatrics
14 psychiatry
15 occupational med
16 plastic surgery
17 ophthalmology
18 hematology
19 pulmonology
20 general internal med
21 general surgery
22 otolaryngology
23 preventive med
24 urology
25 radiation oncology (I AM SO WANTING THIS!! what? no 25?)
26 med oncology
27 infectious disease
28 nephrology
29 family practice (this is one of my main preference actually ie GP)
30 thoracic surgery (gudlak zeihan)
31 physical med & rehabilitation
32 aerospace med (oh bende ni wujud ka??)
33 obstetrics/gynecology
34 orthopaedic surgery (last ever EVER in my personal list)
35 neurosurgery (good. mmg 2nd last pun in my personal list)
36 cardiology

me <-- definite definitely NO surgery, NO paeds, NO psychitry, NO neuro

i think most likely i'll be a GP. if i got some luck + determination + optimism, maybe a radiologist/radiation oncologist. or maybe i dont practise medicine at all. maybe i do something totally out of medicine. who cares??

but radiation oncologist is such a cool term...

"The Role of Magnetic Resonance Spectroscopy in the determination of Tumour Volume for Radiotherapy Treatment Planning" got a merit woo for that essay..

hihihi :P

MINE MINE MINE 2

2/15/2005 09:35:00 PM 0 Comments »
OH. MY. GOD.

I. CANT. BELIEVE. MY. LUCK.

I. AM. SOOOO. HAPPY. HAHAHAHAHAHA :DDDD



Epson PictureMate Photo Printer


when i bought the olympus last weekend with elina, the salesman asked me to leave my address and contact number for a contest. yup, you guessed it right, I WON!!

i have never won a single thing in my life, jap, let me think, nope, dont think so. so i guess my time is up!! i got a missed call this morning as i had my mobile in silent mode cos i had a clinic this morning. i dont usually call back a missed call, but this time i think it was something important as the number that appeared on my mobile screen ended up with 000, so i guess it is maybe from the meds school, or from my consultant's secretary etc. so i rang the number back when i finished my class at 4.30, and it was from johnlewis (the shop where i bought the olympus). then they told me i won the 1st place in a lucky draw (yup, i dont even have to answer a single question!). of course, as everyone would predicted, i rushed to town to pick up the gift la. they said there were 2 people who won first place and i felt sooo damn lucky. it worth 150pounds! best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best

cant stop menyeringai (bet nadine doesnt know this word hahah)

well, i think it's the best time to write about the camera story. i dont care about other people, i am so happy right now!

it wasnt impulse buying. i wanted to buy a camera since raya, when i realised that everybody has a camera, and i didnt even own one for ages. then i went to friends' fotopages, and i felt it would rather nice to own a digital camera. but the main reason is for mr monkey. he told me once that he wanted to see more pictures of me and my surrounding, since he is 11 000km away from me. for someone who is willing to go to a cyber cafe and pays 4 ringgit an hour just to see my pictures, i am forever grateful. initially i wanted to buy a simple digital camera. am certainly not a gadget type of girl. i was looking for a straightforward, easy digi camera that doesnt cost much. from my friends, i knew i have to get a 3megapixels++ digi cam, plus 128MB memory card. full stop. wasnt looking for anything great. then about after christmas, i was about to buy a nice and simple and cheap digi cam with my gaji, then someone said 'why not you wait for a couple of months more and kumpul more money then get a nicer digi cam'. i wasnt that keen tho for that idea, as i said, i'm not buying a camera for its prize-winning functions, i just wanted a camera that take pictures and then put it in the computer and then send it to azali. full stop.

then came the ever so stylish olympus mini mju. slick gile gile. plus it comes in many cool colours. i was in love with the orange olympus. gile lawa. i never actually saw one, just watch it from a tv advert, tapi mmg la lawa. but i know it's 250pounds ++ and that doesnt include the memory card or casing. even in the internet it is still expensive, it is about 260 includes memory card + casing + postage cost. then i realised that my cheque was delayed and that more and more money was accumulated and one day i received a 300++ cheque. cool. then came elina. she's the best luck charm anyone can have.

see, it wasnt impulse buying. i've been longing to own a digi camera for sometime, and done some research about it.

she brought me to johnlewis, a big shop in newcastle where i seldom go. she wanted to show me the olympus itself, cos apparently there is only the silver or black olympus in dixons or argos. there are 6 colours all together; black, silver, white, orange, blue and red. i was eager to see the orange olympus, but i knew i wanted the red when i saw one. its proper name is velvet red, for me it is metallic reddish pink peach. LAAWWWAAAAAA. cair cair.. and that's not all. the salesman said there was a promotion at the store, for the weekend only, the olympus price was 199pounds + a free 128MB memory card. but i told him i wanted a case for the camera. he smiled and said slowly that he might have an extra case. leather case tuh for mju camera. i knew i couldnt get any cheaper anywhere else (in the uk la) so i bought it with a (very) big smile on my face. still have it tho :DDDDD

have i told you that the salesman took me and elina picture together (with the olympus la) and printed it in 2 copies for each of us (with the printer above lah). baik gile.

and today i received a gift worth 150 pounds. i should be happy right? bet i am :DDD

bosan

2/14/2005 08:48:00 PM 0 Comments »
ya Allah bosannye psychiatry!

still terkial2 lagi nk abiskan keje. waaaaaaaaaa

serious tak leh concentrate. tibe2 terus rase ngantuk bile try nk taip keje. tu lom lagi bukak buku! nk tercabut biji mata........zzzzzzz

happyV. wa wa wa miss mr monkey.....

sigh..camne nk siapkan keje nih..3 cases + 1 presentation + oral assessment waaaaaaaa

bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan bosan

sejuk gile

i'm addicted to pineapple juice

waaaaaa unipolar bipolar schneider's first rank thought broadcasting CAGE hypomania zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

oh my new mini mju gua lap uuu

bosan bosan bosan

desperately nk baby. nak baby nak baby nak baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby...wat to do..no sperm ahaks. plus dont think anyone want to have a psycho mother

dermalogica or lancome? decision decision

next workbag or nine west shoes? dream on. fat chance haha

okeh, i've made up my mind. tv here i come!

2/13/2005 10:33:00 PM 0 Comments »

MINE MINE MINE

good day everyone

too lazy to write anything.

yup, it's mine. got it yesterday. exact colour, exact camera. :DDDD

got this feeling that somebody wouldnt like it if i talk too much about the new camera, well maybe i write about it some other time.

nite

ps: just made my own fotopages. dont think anyone wants to look at it, it is a plain one, i made it for mr monkey, he once said he wanted to see more pics of me. this is the main reason i decided to own a digi cam :) happy valentine sayang. am truly yours xXx

GONG XI FA CAI

2/09/2005 07:24:00 PM 0 Comments »
during chinese new year, you should try a precedent for the coming year. avoid foul or abusive language as well as bad and negative words. fighting is also seen as bad luck.

when you cry on new year's day then you will cry throughout the year, it is believed. naughty children are tolerated rather than punished, to prevent them from bursting into tears.

i'm trying to be happy today. in fact, there were several good news today, so i am indeed happy. last night's CSIs were good, and i had a pleasant sleep afterwards. you see, my day doesnt start in the morning, it starts the night before. i had my typical wednesday, went to work this morning and received 2 good news. 1st, my overdue pay cheque, i dont mind late cheques, it just means more money accumulated. then they offered me a new position in the surgery. now i just put some old written medical notes in the computers, now they want to me to put the latest data received from the hospitals and MDT (multidisplinary teams like physio, lab results, pharmaco etc) into the computers. it means heavier responsibility as i have to learn to read codes and put the latest data ie the important data in the computer or give it directly to the gp. should i take it? i do like a bit of challenge, but at the same time i'm scared of the responsibility. plus i'm not sure how hard it will be and how it will affect my study time. of course i put my study first before everything. but this is a good opportunity to learn something new. and it also says that they are satisfied with my current work to give me an even harder work that have more responsibility. we'll see..

then i received another good news from the bank. the thing that i've been waiting for the past 5 months has finally arrived yippee!! after sengih sorang2 for about 1/2 hour, i went to buy some groceries and wished the people at tsang food a gong xi fa cai. you know what, i've made up my mind about this blog. i'm happy with this blog, it has fulfilled its purpose, it's the place where i can pour down my thoughts without a single hesitation, and it is all true and honest. but then i think it would be a boring one if i put my thought in every single blog. so i decided to put something new. like some other blog the owner put down their interest as well, like music, comics, medicine (...), well, i tried hard to get some of the latter in my blog, but believe me, it's hard. i couldnt think of anything interesting about medicine to put in here, sori! i attend every single class everyday, be as punctual as they expect every student to be, i do every single assignment they required, i spend some of my leisure time in the library to study, bought most of the books they required, but to write about medicine in my blog? i cant find a single interesting topic to write down! funny funny. of all the things that i have in my complicated mind, from babies to horoscopes, from canada to snooker, i couldnt think of a single topic in medicine interesting. hahaha. sedih pun ade.

so i decided to put some new facts that i learn every day, from the internet, papers or from anything that i see on that day. it might sound boring, well, i give it a try:

in 1996, the world was shocked with the birth of dolly the sheep, the first mammal clone from an adult cell. cloning always fascinates me. i remember making an informal report about cloning during a-levels. you might not know this, but cloning plays a very important role for me to get an offer from newcastle meds school. i put cloning in my ucas personal statement. of course the interviewers asked this topic and expected me to have a limit knowledge as cloning at that time is very new and almost unheard of in malaysia. as cloning has been my personal interest from the first time i read about it in the newscientist magazine, i was able to give some good answers, even the interviewers was quite impressed with my cloning knowledge haha. seb baik die taktanye psl my french or guitar club, both of which i put in my personal statement, when the true fact was that i quit both club just 1 week after joining them ahah well that is another story.

i had most of my information from the internet, as cloning in malaysia is not as big as in everywhere else in the world. so i knew almost everything, i know i cant know everything, but i know the basic technique of cloning, how the half gene in the egg need to be replaced by a full gene of an adult cell, which has 2n gene (eg: n being 23 in human). eggs and sperms are the two living cells that have n or half gene than the normal 2n adult cell. the process is very complicated, with a very high failure rate, but it is do-able. before dolly was born, there were polly, rolly and many more of dolly's twins which got mutated and failed to generate another new living thing. and today, the creator of dolly has been granted a license to clone human embyoes for medical research. i have mixed view about cloning. i am as eager as other science people about this cloning phenomena, it is thrilled to think of the possible results, but at the same time i am very worried of the possible future that it may hold, especially in this more and more awkward and corrupted world. cloning can bring a new exciting and better world, but it can also cause destruction if it falls to the wrong man. i believe cloning is too exciting to be left on the shelf, and the world has to accept its presence sooner or later. the only thing that we can hope for is for cloning to be monitored and controlled, reasonably and wisely.

fuh, serious stuff. cant believe i wrote that. actually i want to write about other stuff as well, like the difference between a mass murderer and a serial killer, plus the criterias to be labelled as one, which i got from the internet, it's very interesting indeed. and do you know that liger and tigron exist? liger is an animal which has a lion as a father, and a tigress as a mother. and tigron is when the father is a tiger and the mother is a lion. liger and tigron dont have a scientific name, yet, and they dont exist naturally in the wild, they are the product of captive breeding programme. and they have stripes and spots too...interesting.. hmm

sorry if this blog bores you.

night!

trying hard to remain calm

2/08/2005 07:37:00 PM 0 Comments »
i lost my temper today. sigh.

i know i should have controlled it. well, at least i didnt shout in the public. instead i just went away from the source that cause my anger, and decided to go home and miss the afternoon session. not good huh. sigh.

what would you do if someone force you to do something that you dont want to do? especially when that something is totally pointless? then when i tried to politely refuse to do it (and i tried hard to be polite to this person, believe me), she just shouted my name in public and stared at me fiercely, as if i was a small girl who will get smack later by her parents for not behaving good in a supermarket. who does she think i am?

then we were supposed to have a gp session somewhere in wallsend where i couldnt reach by public transport and thus need to get a lift from her (she got a car). and she said not once, not twice, but 6+ times that if i dont do the things that she asks me to do, she wouldnt give me a lift for the gp afternoon session. you? blackmailing me?

i'm pretty sure tomoro she will say that it was all a joke and it was me who couldnt take jokes.

just go to hell girl. may you rot unmercifully there, you spoilt biggest ever ass bitch.

people said that i am short tempered. cepat panas. but can you tell me how the hell can i stand this type of person? believe me, i tried really hard to be nice to her, and try to accept her the way she is, as i know she is my rotation partner until july. i tried really really damn hard. i promised myself not to be rude to her, and tried really damn hard to see the good things in her.

but she was the one who told me that i have no friend, when i refused to be the 'middle person' between her and my teaching tutor, who she has a crush on but strictly in denial but it was damn obvious until my teaching tutor made an official complaint about her, which had resulted her a 'U' in the final FoCP. complicated story she has, now she is in the process of making a complaint about my teaching tutor, saying that it was he who hit on her at the first place.

yet today she asked me to accompany her to go to the student office, which is in front of the teaching tutors office. and i refused to do this. she wanted to go there to get the parking coin, where she usually gets from the hospital receptionist at the main hospital entrance, which is on our way out. but today is different than the usual day. my teaching teacher was alone in the office and it would be a perfect opportunity to see him alone. and she wanted to drag me along, for a good excuse, as i was his teaching tutee, and it would not be awkward for a teaching tutee to see her teaching tutor at his office

please please dont drag me along your sick scandal

and she was the one who told me i am a freak because i like to do things on my own, mind my own business, dont like talk about other people aka bitching and dont like attention. obviously she didnt take statistic during a-levels. she thinks that everyone likes attention, like her. duh

and the next day she said that it was all jokes, and i should not take it seriously.

i'm trying to remain calm here (although inside i feel like i can kill someone tonight, damn serious)

there is a clear line between being over-sensitive and patience

though my weekend had ruined and i think my relationships with the others were more or less affected, i will try to be calm

i dont want to be like those primary school students who tak kawan tu, tak kawan ni, main geng2. that is childish.

i try to have my day as it is and try hard to let go of the past. no more anti-depressant, no more counselling, no more anhedonia. i have more promises to fulfill, for the old, the young, and for the unborn ones. i try really hard to face my day everyday for the sake of the promised future.

i dont want to waste my time on this mother fucking bitch

a smile on my face

2/07/2005 05:28:00 PM 0 Comments »
felt much better today. much much better.

it was one of my bad day, i guess.

hope i didnt hurt anyone. though there was a suspicious entry in one of my friend's blog. but i am pretty sure he will approach me directly if i was the person he referred to. well, i dont want to ruin this day by being too suspicious or concious.

it all started with a friend's hurtful comments. then another friend's moody face. plus the horrible weather. and the workloads. finally, an insensitive fiance. well, past is past and i felt much better today.

had a good dream last night. in fact that dream cured the weekend misrableness. it was a sweet one. i told 2 persons about the dream and both of them laughed so i wont make the same mistake by mentioning it here. just to say i'm so happy to see her again. i dont know how i can care so much for someone who doesnt even exist, yet, and i was actually crying when i woke up this morning. i woke up and realised it was a dream and i cried because i miss her. the feeling was again overflowing, but this time, with happiness.

someone who i cared so much (this time she exists and breathes like everyone else if anyone is wondering) is having a dilemma, between 2 guys. which is good, cause if you know her, she's the type of person who is quite emotionless when it comes to relationship point of view. i called her yesterday after not having heard her voice for almost 6 months, and for the first time she talks about her relationship. although it is a dilemma, but at least it is a relationship dilemma. i am glad she finally opens her heart to someone, and hope the best man wins :)

oh how i miss that person from my dream! when are you going to visit me again, dear? you guys must really think what a freak i am! haha...it's good to have a smile on my face again...

........

2/05/2005 11:05:00 PM 0 Comments »
there were times when one felt less human and had to isolate oneself from the outer world as a consequence of this feeling.

and that is exactly how i feel now.

i need to tell someone.

i am prone to feel down.

and i dont know why.

and i am not sure myself whether it is true or not.

maybe because i have known to have a low self-esteem. i know that.

it is weird. i know i have low self-esteem and this makes me vulnerable to feel down. yet it still hit me everytime.

it is like being an alcoholic. you have a habit. a bad one. you know that this bad habit of yours will cause you more harm than pleasure, but you still drink nevertheless. you know you have a bad habit, but you cant get rid of it. it is harder than what everyone thinks it is. you just cant get away from it, though you are fully aware of the consequence of having this bad habit. it is part of you and will always be part of you, no matter how many anti-detox, treatments, counselling etc that you had, it will always be part of your past, although you determine not to have it presently, and are still unsure about the future.

it is part of me. me and my low self-esteem. feel lesser than life now. feel less worth than any living creature on this earth.

if i were in a stadium packed of people and there is a mass murderer with a gun at the centre of the stadium, i wouldnt mind a bit being the one who get the bullet. because i am less significant than any people out there. there is nothing you nor i can do about it.

i'm kinda worried. i need to talk to someone but i dont know who. i'm not sure whether i want to talk to someone or not. half of me want to help me. it knows depression is a gradual chronic thing that eats you bits by bits without you realising it. it knows what has happened in the past. it is a cry for help. or is it not? it knows all about the past, the low feeling, the refusal to meet the outer world, the anhedonia, the sleepness nights etc. it wants to help me. while my other half keeps on falling down and refused to get any help. it likes to be alone and to be left alone. it wants to be in control over mind, body and everything. everything felt excessively overflowing. while there is the other side of me that is still in denial. this is nothing at all. i am just a little git who concern over nothing. no need to tell others. what for? just over tiny winy things like this? they are busy people you know. no one have times for your nonsenseness. dont be selfish. this is nothing. you are seeking attention, arent you? no i am not. one thing i hate in this world is attention. are you sure you dont like it? cos everyone lurvess attention. no i am not. and i will not like it if being labelled as one. are you sure? yes i am sure, stupid. sure, dear?

it is harder than the hardest to explain all this mixed feeling. i remember last year, i have promised myself not to be in that 'zone' again. not to be in that hole again. i tell you what anhedonia really is. it's like having a big empty hole in your chest. numb. empty. you dont feel anything. NOT A THING. life is not worth at all. you cant see any point in life. sitting hours on the floor without a single emotion. worthless, that's right. you feel like being alive doesnt matter a bit. and if you are dead, it doesnt matter too. eat? pointless. do that? nah. do this? what for? nothing is matter anymore. that is anhedonia. numb. empty. hole.

'stupid bitch'
'you dont have any friend, you freak'
'people always talk behind you about how freak you are'
'you dont have any friend, freak'

i didnt feel a thing intially. then it hit me. it might be true. it can be true. it is true. or is it not? or is it?

simply elly

2/03/2005 11:06:00 PM 0 Comments »
lately ni asyik penat jer. and asyik mengeluh aje.

it's official. i put on some weight. managed to weigh myself using a weighing scale at the doctors' room at old psychiatric ward, NTGH. of course i did it when the doctors werent there duh. what to do what to do. it's not much, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. honestly, i dont mind much about gaining weight, but then it is expected for a girl to worry much about her weight and be panicky when gain some, so i have to do what is expected of me. cos i'm a girl. am i in a mission to prove myself a girl? dono. my head is too wired up to think of anything. i just do things that are expected of me.

fact: one of my aim in life is to be in the exact middle line of a bell shape distribution. got it? i just want to be a typical girl with typical habits in a typical life. why? i dont know. i just want to be normal.

one of my friends told me it was hard to get closer to me. she said i had different personalities at different time, depending on my mood. and i dont have a clue what she was saying. got this idea to check on my friendster, where i can check on the testimonials that my friends gave me. it was indeed weird. some of them said that i was a kind and caring friend. others said i was garang. some said i was talkative. while others said i like to be left alone. some said i was tough, while others hope i wont be homesick. the weirdest statement was that i was soft-spoken and gentle. i didnt realise these variation of testimonials. i know people have their own unique view on others, but this also could mean that i got various personalities, which i use to different people, at different time. it is not my intention to be like this.

this has reminded me of an old childhood story. when i was young, i mean pre-school age, i only had a few friends to play with, mainly because of the family constant moving places, and most of the time i spent time playing with kak lysa who is 3 years older and jiman, my younger brother of 2 years. i was such a naughty and bully kid, so both of them didnt like me and tend to click themselves. i had to work hard (ie be good) to gain them back and join their play. same happen when iwan was borned. he was such a nice and obedient boy, and i liked to bully him around and asked him to do lots of nonsense stuff, until my mum asked iwan to stop following my order. then, i had to work hard again, to gain back his trust. it was like a routine to me, but strangely i liked it.

the truth is that i am a naughty and adventurous person inside. the truth is also that i have NOT a single intention to hurt anyone. life is dull if you get things easily. i want to gain something that is worth saving. damn it is weird. or maybe evil? or maybe stupid?

same happened to mr monkey. he liked me. he told me. i had him. easy. it was not my intention to take him for granted, but for me to appreciate him, i need to do something nasty. so i treated him like shit and then dumped him. then i worked hard to gain him back. it was like he passed my life test. then will i appreciate him. and i will appreciate him for LIFE. i will treasure him like no other. he has gained my ultimate trust.

i'm one sick person, arent i?

this is the exact reason why i dont like to be closer to people, rejecting those who want to be closer to me. life is a game. a dull life is a life not worth living.

(or is it time to visit the counsellar again?)

updates

2/01/2005 02:07:00 PM 0 Comments »

kylie-fever

finally dapat gak dgr lagu fever! dah berapa minggu dah i had that song in my head. i bought the cd 2 years ago, but realised that i've lost it a few weeks ago when i went searching for the cd. kotak cd ade, tapi cd takde! sakit hati, and that song asyik berputar2 dlm kepala. so...i decided to get another one from ebay! got it for 1quid! +1.50 postage, tappe aa, altogether 2.50 je, drpada asyik dgr lagu je dlm otak. balik sekolah tadi terus dpt the cd yeyeyeyye. i bought her other cd album, Body Language last week at tesco for 2 quids and me like it! i think she's so hot. i lap you kylie! hihi

started my psychiatric rotation this week. for 4 weeks. ha. full stop. ha. full stop. i have low mood since then. i know i hate this rotation. dono, i got personally disturbed by it. it's like looking at an old mirror. oh dont get me start. pathetic life mine was. dont want to open an old dusty book, do we?

it's official. my favourite ever ever food now is prawn potato mayo salad. sedap gile! i can eat the whole big bowl of it! yum yum yum.

had my moment at the beach yesterday. we had our seminar at one of the community mental centre at whitley bay. the centre is just a few metres away from the beach! loved it! i had my lunch sitting on the sand by the beach. stayed there for a while while staring blankly at the sea. dead calm.

watched the aviator and meet the fockers last sunday with mu'azzah. best. the former wasnt exactly my cup of tea that is being a heavy and longgg (3 hours sih) movie but everyone suggested me to watch it so i thought it wouldnt cost me much since i planned to watch 2 movies in a price of 1 (hehe). it was a good movie. very good plot. strong acting thoughout, but i was a bit dissapointed with cate blanchett. what an awkward slang she used, maybe that was the way katherine hepburn spoke, i dont know, i have never watched any katherine hepburn movie, so i dont think i make a fair point here. nevertheless the aviator is a good movie and deserves to be nominated for the oscar. meet the fockers was hilarious! seriously hilarous. everyone knows how funny ben stiller is, but who would have guessed dustin holfman is just as funny? go and watch these movies. someone told me that only people with certain level of intelectual can enjoy the aviator, i dont think this is a fair comment. make me feel if i happen to not like the movie, it means i'm stupid ie not reach 'that' level of intelectual. i dont know. it just that everyone have their own preference. some people might not like to watch heavy, 3 hour movie although they are proven to have high IQ. same works vice versa.

i dreamt of jude law last nite. GoOd dream hehe. he's so damn gorgeous, in my dream lah, havent met him real life, yet. hehe. i also dreamt of something else that ruin everything. malas plak nk tulis. macam ni la, in that dream, soon after i had my hot date with jude law, i dreamt the person that i hate most in newcastle came and visit me at home. got it? suuuweyy