sejuk bapak

9/28/2005 09:57:00 PM 0 Comments »
quite a tiring day. wednesday: my work day. and guess what? today i got myself a subordinate.

i remember i started working at that gp surgery last october. then by april they offered me a permanent post. in june i got my own work place and do various nits and bits office work. and now i got a subordinate. cos my work is too much and i couldnt possibly finish it all in 6 hours, so they hire another girl, but she doesnt have the medical knowledge so she cant complete my work, so she has to report to me, once a week. me was like, 'huh?'. sigh. i like this job. but i think i have to quit this dec. after christmas hols, the ssc or student selected components aka the options will start. i'm pretty sure that i wont have wednesday off again. what to do.

my class starts at 11 tomoro la la la. it's quite a full day tomoro, nah, not that full, 11-1pm, 3-5pm. mueh ehehe. maybe i'll find some time to go to the uni job fair tomoro. dono, i'm not trying to find a job, i just want to be there and mingle with people. ha ha.

adoi..pening la plak. maybe cos kene hujan balik keje tadi..

sleepy head..

9/26/2005 11:55:00 PM 0 Comments »
finally i'm settled with the visa application form thingy. what a relief. hope i got the visa, amin.

had quite a full day. seminar and lectures, with sorting out the visa thingy in between, plus doing the case study plus presentation for tomoro. in fact i'm just done with the latter, just killing some time now to wait til it's 8am in malaysia for me to call mama.

weekend was unexpectedly full. met up with the new students, they are so cute and naive and innocent! i can still remember jejak-ing on bumi newcastle in sept 2000, on a wet and cloudy day. i couldnt even remember whether it was day or night! i was a little bit scared, but very very excited indeed. it was a totally whole new world, with whole new adventures. i was a very very naive girl back then.

all i can say is that how bad the weather is here, how heavy the snow will be in winter, how strong the wind will be, like, anytime, newcastle is indeed my second home, and i like being here :)

miss sayang like hell. i want him to come here. but then mama dah seru suh balik this christmas. the winter ticket is double the summer ticket. felt a little reluctant to spend that amount of money. actually i want to spend some time alone with my other half. if he comes here, i got to spend 24 hours a day, times the total day he is here, the most is 9 days. if i go back, tho for 3 weeks, but i got to divide my time between kuantan and ampang. it's exhausting to travel, like every weekend, based on my past experience in malaysia. i like to spend time in kuantan, with the new house that i have not seen, the 1st 3 days will be spent with mama chatting non-stop. food is tasty and cheap. travel is free. but in ampang i got to see the love of my life. i just cant describe how i really really really want to see his face. from his eyes, nose, mouth, basically every single piece of him. i wish i could go somewhere with him, just the 2 of us, like a vacation, while i'm in malaysia. like mama gonna let me go. logically, she shouldnt let me go.

zzz

9/24/2005 01:12:00 PM 0 Comments »
ai tgh ngantuk zzz.. last night we played monopoly til 3am and i got to wake up early this morning to join ct jogged. ai ngantuk sih. monopoly last night was fun, except when i got kick out 1st round, meaning me got last place huhu. haha at least now nadine got some contender in the form of a blur girl named ellina haha. and yup, she got 1st place muahaha. but nad played well as well. me? not destined to hold money, at all, even monopoly money. what a sad fate...

yup, woke up early today after just having less than 5 hours sleep to jog around newcastle with ct. the last time i jogged was a few months ago, and ouch, my body hurts like, everywhere. but it was nice tho, to jog in the morning especially today when the sky is all blue and nice.

tgh jeles actually. my family was having an open house today in our new house. tumbang lembu sekor. and everybody was there. talked to mama just now and she told me that she introduced my sis and bros to the guests, mostly my dad's workers, and she introduced azali as well. yup, he was there, in fact, he is still there til tomoro. she said, 'mama ade 4 anak, ko takde, azali la anak mama'. you should heard her talking about azali, puji lambung2 tak ingat bumbung nyer. kenan gile huh. whatever. and azali once wrote in his blog, 'i'm really gald to have fallen in love with the right woman (he called me woman??!!), i like her mum very much.' huh, they think they can replace me with azali? dream on guys, dream on. waaa jeles weh. huhu wish i was there. mama said they even buat khemah depan umah, sebijik cam kenduri kawin, cume takde bunga telur, and of course, no pengantin. huhu wish i was there. oh stop whinging stupid girl haha.

speaking bout pengantin, i found my ultimate wedding theme colour! muahahahaha. lawa nga nga nga hepi hepi. ish tak abis2 drool over weddings..muehehe

hmm what shall i cook today? nad is here, that's a good reason to cook. i like his company, so i dont mind cooking for him. but cook what? hmm. promised to go to netto this afternoon with ellina, so maybe i can buy the ingredients. la la la me got someone to go to shopping with la la la

think i might take a short nap before going to netto. mata dah separuh tutup dah. petang nnt yus, the sport ajk, has organised a somewhat gathering with the new students. i want to go, but i'm still not sure, but just now i just promised mu'azzah to come to the gathering. ok then, i'll go. before that, it's nap time now..

la la la

9/21/2005 02:50:00 PM 0 Comments »
ellina is back! la la la

she brought the stuff that mama kirim, like bilis and cili kering, plus baju raya too! dark turqoise kurung la la la

she also bought the latest pesona pengantin, my fav mag in the world! la la la

she also bought a new kebaya for me! light green la la la

there are another million reasons why i like her coming back hihihi me got my partner in crime back :))

today's wednesday and as usual, i have the whole day free. usually i work today, but since the rest of the week isnt full, so i decided to stay home, keep up with my notes and revisions and have the whole day for myself. i'll work tomoro or friday, where i only have an hour or two lectures. neat.

gonna continue drooling over the wedding magazines. borrowed 3 more from mu'azzah, dont worry i wont drool over yours haha. gile i got 4 fav-mag-in-the-world with me la la la think my saliva gland gonna work extra time for the next few days :p

partial ptosis eyes..

9/19/2005 10:41:00 PM 1 Comment »
such a tiring day. almost flat out.

started today at 10. went to sort out the visa application thingy in between lectures and seminars. almost got it sorted. almost.. but not yet sorted. got to wait a few more support letters.

hate group tutorial. out of 10, only 4 were cared enough to prepare the topic discussed. the other 6 didnt even contribute a thing. and we are supposed to have 3 tutorials each week. i can feel the tension in the group more and more each week.

tomoro gonna have another 2-hour tutorial, plus a presentation. it's my turn this week. shit. gonna present in front of 300 people. think i'm gonna really shit myself this time.

got back to my habit of reading story book before bedtime. nice. got this one nice lil book, 'Weekend in Paris'. i dont read chic book. but this book is alright. i like it. it's very thorough. 2-day experience in a 350++ pages. i wish i can be more spontaneous. just jump on a train or plane one day and just do what the heart tells me. if only i was single. if only i was braver.

weekend was nice. cant remember what i did on saturday. but on sunday i had my first ever carboot visit! never been to any carboot sales before. ade lah jakun kejap. thanks to mu', and her sister, for the nice invitation, plus the nice lunch too! bought myself a picture of moscow's red square for a pound and fifty, the above book for 50p and an electronic foot massager for 3quids! the latter i bought from a sweet lil old couple and i knew i couldnt say no. and now, bless my feet, i have a 30 minutes foot massage at the end of each day.

finally decided on my options. i decided to ditch the MRS thingy and choose a geriatric option instead. i like old people. this is what i want to do. to be able to meet and care for old people, as much as i can.

obviously i'm tired right now. or else i would have mumbled non-stop, describing every second of my days. i do like to write, especially in a story book kind of way, reflecting my thoughts and feelings. if only my english was as good as ct or nadine or hazleena or ahmad, i would have been a novelist :)

mumble jumble

9/16/2005 11:44:00 PM 0 Comments »

i'm very bored at the moment. friday night and no plan at all. nothing what so ever on the tele. nope, not even the extra channels that we have from telewest. it's bloody freezing cold out there, even in my room, with the portable heater on, me wearing my red fleece robe some more, plus socks, yet it's still cold. sejuk gile gile. donno how to emphasize more on the coldness here in newcastle. and it's not yet winter!

nothing else to do but to browse the internet. download the latest naruto anime. dont feel like want to eat. look through argos catalogue that i picked earlier today when i went to buy the bike pump and lock. yup, i finally got a bike! nope, not mine, it's emelynne, my ex-housemate. she is moving to glasgow to continue her postgrad study, and she still got some of her stuff here. she texted me yesterday from malaysia saying that i can use her bike. yee haa! her bike is in a very good condition, just the paddle is a bit high for me (damn you short legs!), but i can still manage. i think it's ok for me to invest on a good bike pump and lock, so that even if emelynne take the bike to glasgow some day, i can still use those pump and lock for my next bike, right?

today was a bit mumble jumble. woke up early to book my options for next sem ie from jan to june next year. yup, we had to book our options online. it was quite an experience; 300 something people browsing the same website, and everybody hope everybody else dont choose the same option as theirs. i have to choose 3 options. and? did i get it all? NnnooOOoooOoo. sob sob. gile betul. serious macam biskut chipsmore. now you see it, now you dont. i didnt get my 2 top choices, even my 2 back-ups choices pun dah abis dikebas org sob sob. i didnt get the obstetrics and palliative meds that i want. i just got pening after that and jumped off the bed to go to library to do some work. need to calm down a lil bit. then on my way to the kitchen, found some bbiiggg trail of slugs. bengang bengang. i think they're preparing some surprise party for you la ellina when you come back this tuesday hehe.

did some work in meds school for a while before checking the options website again. fuh, thought it was going to be a bad day, then someone changed their options and my beloved obstetrics is available again! sorted. but it was only for my 2nd option slot. i still need to choose my 1st one (3rd one being complementary meds). altho the website is opened for the next 10 days, but i need to fill up my final slot, in case i forgot to do so (typical me..pelupa mak nenek). finally i made up my mind, altho it's not finalised (fickle minded!). i like it, in fact i really like it, but i actually had done it before, more or less the same topic, about a few years ago. it's about how the new technique of MR Spectroscopy is used to measure the brain size. last time it was MRS to measure brain tumour for a more precised radiotherapy, this time it's MRS to measure cerebral atropy in Alzheimer's. basically the same stuff. hmm.. shanti said to choose something that i like. i like this one, but i dont think it's very useful for my future, cos it's not very clinical, no patient, just literature review. i like geriatrics ie elderly medicine, but most of them are in faraway hospitals. and being in the 1st slot, meaning jan-feb, meaning winter time, meaning snow and bloody freezing cold. so? shanti said it depends on how much i like the topic for me to willing to travel to the allocated hospital during winter time. ayoo..here comes the complicated mind! wish i could have a simpler mind and just make up my mind, instead of considering A to Z, then Z to A, then -A to -Z blah blah blah.

better change to a more light and random stuff:

finally, finally, FINALLY some news from mara. any news is better than no news.

britney gave birth to a son! nice. i always like britney. go britney! yeah yeah

missing sayang like hell. really really REALLY miss him sob sob sob..the nearest possible time for me to see him is this dec. hopefully!

finally got some pics of my new home in kuantan! i think it's a nice house. not too big, not too small, just nice. my parents like it very much, they put all their effort, idea, everything to the house. lots of chocolate, i mean the colour, cos mama is crazy of chocolate. open planning like what abah always want. big big berandah, cos they like to lepak2 kat luar sambil minum kopi petang2. big big lawn for abah's various projects. they are having an open house next weekend, they invite everybody, even tukang masak of their fav gerai kat kuantan pun got invited, and i wish i could be there..

want to watch pride and prejudice. i like kiera knightley. dah la ade mamat hensem. but everybody is quite busy at the moment. maybe i'll wait for ellina. or maybe i'll watch it tomoro, along with Bewitched, the movie which i longed to watch.

printed out the visa application form. me so like procastinating. got scold from the lady in student advice centre, yeah, think i deserved it, i should have at least sorted out the forms earlier.

found my fav kuaci from tsang's food (kedai cina here in newcastle). it's the red packet, sunflower seed aka kuaci. best gile. i learnt to eat it from kak lysa back in malaysia, and believe me, once you start, you cant stop!

talked to my bestest friend in the whole wide world yesterday night! and i'm not exaggerating. she's the dearest of all and i miss her so much. i promise myself to buy the 1st ticket to blackburn when i got the money from mara. hope to see you soon, huda :)))))

damn, forgot to get rid of emelynne stuff from ellina room. better do that tomoro. hope i remember this time :s

seriously need to cut my ridiculously long hair. it's all over the place now. i want it short, but dont think it suits my round face. arghh need rebonding! i'm no one without rebonding. ok..a bit overstatement heheh

siew yin is getting married! she is an ex-flatmate of mine. she'll be getting married on 22 oct somewhere in jesmond. cant wait to see the blushing bride!

it's a long entry, isnt it. i know. i just type and type and type and b4 i know it, it's like a few thousand words essay. apologise. dono la, suka sgt tulis lately. maybe cos i dont have anyone to talk to..sedih tak? anyway, enough of me, nighty night to you all. have a nice weekend.

raining thursday..

9/15/2005 01:15:00 PM 0 Comments »
i'm at the old library computer cluster again. just finished my tutorial. it's 1.12pm now, and the next lecture is at 3, plus it's raining outside, so no point of me going back home. tapi ape nk buat skrg? i hate time between lectures. yeah yeah go to library blah blah blah.

i thought of checking a bike store near central stn, but it's raining now, so not a very good idea then. seriously need to find a bike. and seriously need to find something to eat for lunch. brought some biscuits but dont feel like i want to eat biscuits.

bosan bosan bosan.

not sure what to do nowadays.

and for the first time, i'm not sure what to write. my life is that boring.

migrane

9/13/2005 12:35:00 AM 0 Comments »
i'm at the old library computer cluster now. just finished my tutorial at ridley building and singgah sekejap at this uni cluster before i head for town. i got tired with walking so i thought today i catch the bus. today's discussion group was so-so. i dont want to be labelled as the lazy or the dumb or the quiet one, so i prepared my stuff the night before. but some of them did not take this group discussion serious enough. or is it me who take this too seriously? well, no harm done if i prepare my stuff beforehand as long as i dont bising2 or act like miss-know-it-all during the discussion right? it's our group's turn to present this week, but nearly half of the group wont even present on the presentation day itself! talk about group spirit.

anyway, yesterday i got a migrane. something that i havent had for about 2 years, i think, thanks to the beta-blocker that i take for the anxiety, which also acts as a prophylaxis for migrane. i usually have some signs before each attack, like blurred vision, with or without scotomas (betul..can see flying flashing yellow dots), and this time my vision got blurred, i had some difficulties to write and read my handwriting. but yesterday i just ignored the sign, i really wanted to stay in the library to do some work between the lectures. alas, it got worse, and i had to walk home with a very bad vision and a throbbing ache at the back of my right head. until now i am still not sure what triggers it on.

i used to have quite severe episodes of migrane in the past. one that i remember was about 3 years ago when azali came to visit me in newcastle. me and azali werent a couple yet at that time. he came to newcastle in the morning, and i had this massive throbbing pain in my right head, so severe i thought my right eye could have came out of its socket. i laid on the bed, in full pain, for 10 hours. think i took about 6 paracetamol kot, plus ubat batuk, ubat selsema etc, basically all the ubat that i had at that time. i tried everything to ease the pain but nothing worked. finally, i just laid on the bed, feeling very sick, half-mabuk with all the drugs that i took, with azali sitting on the floor next to the bed. i couldnt remember what happen after that, i must have slept, and when i opened my eyes again, i saw his face, looking very concern, and i knew he stayed awake all the time, worrying about me.

so yesterday, i went back home, the headache got worse, i couldnt even see the doorknob, took some paracetamol and the beta blocker, changed into my pyjamas, closed the curtain, locked the door, and tried to sleep. luckily the house was quiet and i had a pleasant rest. woke up a few hours later, feeling much better, walked back to meds school for the 4 o'clock lecture. luckily the migrane wasnt that bad this time.

it's 12.30 at the moment, think i'll just pusing2 town before heading back to meds school for the 2 o'clock lecture. i'll be working tomoro at the usual place in monkseaton. not sure what to eat for lunch. i'm not that hungry, but i bet my stomach will start growling in the middle of lectures. cant wait for ellina to come back from malaysia next tuesday. i promise to get rid of emelynne's stuff in her room, think i'll do that tonite, if not this weekend, before she comes back. not sure what to eat for dinner. i dont want to cook. maybe i'll buy a big lunch and save some of it for dinner haha. have a nice day.

her weekend

9/11/2005 11:43:00 PM 3 Comments »
super bapak malas. that is how i describe my weekend.

think i'm gonna die of laziness. seriously. or maybe for being so fat. oh i'm so fat. officially fat huhu.

it rained all day on saturday. i didnt have a mood to do anything, but i knew i had to get out of the house. planned to meet up with mu'azzah but she wasnt well so i went to town alone. but the town was so packed due to a football match, mind you, our stadium is in the town itself, so ramai gile org pakai baju hitam putih (newcastle's jersey colour) so i went to metro centre. saja jalan2, makan angin..in a shopping mall...always works for me hihi. didnt buy anything, duit pun tade, just nk jalan2. went out for a few hours, bought some millie cookies and that was my dinner. see, i dont have much appetite nowadays, but still, i eat a looottt. fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.

the weather was alrite today. still a bit cold, but at least it was dry. met up with mu'azzah in starbucks later in the afternoon. before that i catched Belgian F1 over ITV1 to watch kimi raikonen won. i dont mind whoever won, as long as it's not michael schumacher haha. i hope next time McLaren gets 1-2 podium positions cos they deserve it man. they got the best cars out there. anyway i met up with mu'azzah later and hell i had enjoyed myself. it was good to catch up with her after a few months, changing news and gossips. it was good to see her happy again.

started my wedding scrap book project. hell it took longer time than i initially thought. well, i'm not in a rush, it's a self project, not an assignment, it's supposed to be fun loh so no pressure to myself, i can finish it later or do it whenever i got free time. gosh woman, you certainly have some issue regarding expectation, havent you? it's supposed to be your hobby ie things that you enjoy doing when you have some spare time, not a one-off thing. hmm a reminder to myself.

need to call sayang soon. really miss him badly, and i really really want to see his face.

tomoro's timetable: 1 hour lecture in the morning and in the afternoon, both are which they already gave out the handouts on friday. are they kidding us or what? like anyone gonna turn up. maybe someone like me gonna turn up. someone like me who felt very guilty over the laziness of her weekend that she thought she needs to come to both lectures and do some work at the library in between lectures. think she'll do that. good for her. do pity her. have a productive week!

new template ;)

9/09/2005 11:10:00 PM 4 Comments »
as you have seen, my blog has a new template. me got bored with the old one, think i want a lighter background this time. this one wasnt my first choice tho, the first choice wasnt created for blogspot, and no, i didnt do the template myself. i just surfed the internet, looking for free templates haha. so, my first choice wasnt created for blogspot, and i had to do lots of modification and then i got bored after the first 2 hours, went back to blogspot dot com and chose one of the ready-made templates there. so here is my 4th templates.

autumn has officially arrived in newcastle. it rained heavily all day, in fact it still rains when i write this entry. and my timetable today hasnt been the best either. had a session at 10.30 til 10.50am (? - dont ask) at meds school before some lectures from 3 to 5pm in the afternoon. in between? if it was 1 or 2 hours, i'll just go hanging out somewhere, but 4 hours? me walked back home. hujan lebat. then at half 2, me walked again to meds school. hujan lagi lagi lebat. i sat in the lecture theatre, soaked wet, for 2 hours. yup, i did have the umbrella plus the hat.

what else? PMS of the month --> paranoia. seriously think that the world is comploting to hate and destroy me slowly., painfully but surely. but since my insight is (very) good, i dont think it can be called paranoia. again, whatever, it's all in my head.

this week has been veryyy slow. nad said i felt that way because i just had my summer break and that it is normal to feel like that on the 1st week. 4th year is weird. i had a full and tense 3rd year, 9-5 almost every day every week, tests and presentations almost every week. then 4th year? 1 hour Monday morning. 1 hour Monday afternoon. Tuesday 2-5pm. Free for the whole Wednesday. Thursday 10-1pm. Friday 10-11am, 3-5pm. what?

i need to find my routine. i need to be organised and adapt to these changes asap. i work best when i'm packed and full and busy. yah, i need to do that.

i also need to improve my social life. i dont mean go hu-ha hu-ha, party-party, i mean to meet new people, learn something new and useful and develop a good hobby and improve my social and communication skills. shanti learnt yoga, judo and salsa last year when she was in 4th year. i want to do something that i enjoy. i've decided on a couple of things. 1st, i want to make a scrap book of all the wedding stuff that i've collected so far. i know it's not as exciting as salsa, but i like weddings; from the dresses, to pelamins, bunga telur, hantaran, cakes, bed etc. i know i dont have much magazine materials here in the uk, but that doesnt stop me from starting my scrap book project.

2ndly, i want to enrol at the language centre. i want to learn a new language, chinese maybe, and maybe japanese as well, if i have time. it's 25quids each language, and i think i can squeeze myself into their 2 hour-per week sessions. well, that's the plan.

i'm not very sporty, so i cant see the benefit of me joining the sport centre. plus shanti said that the fee is much much more than last year.

cant think of anything else to write. it's really cold right now, and i wish for that someone to hug me tight under the duvet right now ;P you know who you are hihi. have a nice weekend

half day on wednesday la la la

9/07/2005 11:25:00 AM 1 Comment »

i'm at the med school computer cluster at the moment. i usually prefer blogging in my home, using my own laptop, and be in a more private setting. but today, nah, i thought a change in venue may be good.

it's the 3rd day of the course, and it's been good so far. i try my best to overcome my group discussion phobia, and it went orait, after a bit of help with the beta blocker. my group is typical; there is a serious one, studious one, quiet one, joker one, not-too-enthutiastic one, loud one etc. i guess everyone is still getting to know one another.

i dont like my previous entry. hmm.. next time i'll not get near a computer whenever i'm angry or pissed off. when i'm angry, i'm not good. evil, i may say. i say hurtful things. i'll complaint, complaint, complaint, and whinge, whinge, whinge, and nag, nag, nag, blah blah blah. well, terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kate badan binasa. fine.

my insight is good. way too good, i think.

i need a bike. seriously. i simply cannot walk to meds school 5 days a week. ok, 4 days a week. it's a mile in one way, that's 25 minutes walking. that makes me walking 1 hour everyday. lenguh tulang pinggul ambo. carboot, where are tho? tak pernah pegi weh. blyth? that's a long way to go. i need a bike weh.

came across this pic when i browsed the internet yesterday. i think the batch below me, ie ellina's batch, there are more beautiful girls with brains. serious. came across some really stunning girls, malay girls, mostly i know just by names but havent actually met in person, and they got brains too! think it's not fair to put down their names, but they are just stunning.

the pic below i found it in lini's fotopages. she is a year below me. i only spoke to her once, i think, while in kmys, when i tried to sell some tuna sandwiches for my house, ie house B. i heard quite some khabar angin about her, but then again, it's not fair for me to judge her since i only spoke to her once. the guy, mizan, was my batch's president. he did a huge huge favour for me last time, and i got huge huge respect for this guy. he is a nice guy. they got engaged last june, i think. i hope it's ok for me to put their pic here, i simply like engagement/wedding pics, and i particularly like lini's dress. they looked so suuwwiittt together i think.


suwwiiitt..lini & mizan on their engagement ceremony last june...suuwwiiittt aaahhh...i hope i wont get into any trouble by putting their pic here. hope they dont have the 'hak cipta berpelihara' thing.

another day..

9/05/2005 06:02:00 PM 4 Comments »
sial nyer mara.

just when i thought i had a good day, then mara spoilt it all.

i havent received mara's allowance for 4 months now. it was expected, as my old contract ended this year, cos i was supposed to graduate this year kan. mara said no worry, cos i had a good reason to take a year out last year, they asked me to reapply again asap, which i did last march. so when the scholarship ended last june, i contacted mara london and they said that mara kl already approved my re-application and that mara london is waiting for bahagian perakaunan mara kl to inform mara london. that was 4 months ago. my parents are tired of waiting so they contacted a friend who works in mara kl to ask about my situation. and just now my dad called me saying that their mara kl's friend said that i should reapply and that they didnt receive my reapplication at all.

bloody hell. feel like my head gonna explode.

it is mara kl's. i contact mara london, like every 2 weeks, and they confirmed that mara kl has already approved my application. i reapplied last march, and they approved on april. and on june the scholarship stopped, and until now, sept, i havent received a single penny. see, i tried my best to follow the procedure, and i did what i had been told. i know i had a 'slope' last couple of years, and i accepted the consequences, i followed what i had been told, i reapplied, passed my exams and didnt complain of 4 months of penniless.

one of my friends was in a similiar situation as i am, he didnt even reapply as early as i was, he went back to malaysia on summer, panjat bangunan mara and faced pegawai mara for a few hours, and tada, he got his allowance at that end of the month. not fair. no, obviously it was good for him, as he is a nice guy, but what about me who followed everything like in the book, did what being told, me who doesnt go and face the pegawai mara kl myself cos i dont have the money to go back, and then my application is placed at the bottom of the shelf? imagine if my parents dont have a friend in mara kl? and i wait and wait and wait for months, just to find out that they didnt even receive my application and i'm back to square one?

i didnt ask to be here. if i can, i wanna go home. i'm not the type of person who lurvveees being in the uk, leh hu-ha hu-ha, joli sakan with friends, idup bebas etc. i dont want to further complain my life in newcastle as i should be grateful for having the opportunity to be here blah blah blah, but honestly, i dont want to be here. i have to be here. it's the only road that i have, believe me, i've tried to find alternative routes, but being here i have to. no question there, no further complaint, i'm trying hard, really hard to focus on my life again now i'm finally on track again, i received, accepted and paid for the consequences of what i did in the past, so stop it. just stop it.

you want to know now why i'm being a pathetic anti-social, who is shy and prefers to keep things to herself? not because i'm shy, you stupid, everyone who knows me know that i'm not shy nor quiet. i am embarassed. of my life. for all i did in the past, it was embarasing, and i dont want people to know cos i thought if they know, they wouldnt like me. they wouldnt even want to know me. you should have seen those eyes when they heard 'repeating student. failed her exams. twice. what a stupid girl. you shouldnt be here. what a stupid girl'. their eyes say it all. '25 years old. still got half way her course, when everybody in her age have already worked, or at least graduated. what a stupid, stupid girl'. their eyes say it all.

and today is my first day as a 4th year student. what to know what inside my mind? i dont think i can do it, it looks hard, i dont think i'm capable to pass. when i sat in the lecture theatre this morning, i thought, gosh, me sitting with all these brilliant people? i was so honoured, and speechless. i dont even think i'm qualified to sit in the same lecture theatre as them. and i just sat there, remained as quiet as i can, trying not to shaken to much.

but as usual, i cope. met some brilliant friends, old and new. my thought yesterday was 'how am i going to cope 4th year? i dont know anyone. i only know 25 people from my old hosp group, and some of them didnt even talk to me, so how am i going to cope now with 300 new faces? no one knew me. 'i'll cope', i said to myself last night, i always cope. i've waited for 2 years to be in 4th year, and now it finally there. 'just pick yourself together, you've been in much worse senario before, and you'll be fine'.

met some old malaysian friends. they accepted me in their group, all non-malay. one malaysian chinese guy asked me whether i'm chinese. i was speechless. no, i'm honoured. you see, i have this ridicilous aim in life, that is to be as chinese as i can. dont ask why. before this it was british, or china's chinese or japanese who thought i was a chinese. but a malaysian chinese? i'm honoured. that surely brighten my day. they seem nice. all of them. i think they are a bunch of nice people.

then suddenly more and more faces become familiar. some are friend's friend, some are friend's friend's friend, some are old acquintances, and they remembered me! they smiled, and waved, and we chatted. i thought i would be alone on my 1st day, but it turned out to be ok. i even like my small tutorial group. it still early days, but they looked fine.

it's another day of my life. see, i'm pretty good at comforting myself. there's no use of me sharing my problem, i dont like assurance nor compliments like 'oh, you'll be fine', 'oh, dont worry, everything's fine', 'i know you're good, elly'. all are bullshits. they dont know me, and how can they say that? so i usually comfort myself. i've been in a much much worse senario before, and i got through it, so i know i'll be fine this time. amin.

whatever

9/03/2005 11:28:00 AM 0 Comments »
morning..

stayed longer on the bed this morning. golek2 haha. i like my bed. with all my precious with me hehe. 3 anak beruang, 2 anak lembu, 2 anak monyet, 1 ikan paus. sayang gile. they are all my precious hihihi.

i like saturday. it's my favourite day of the week. dont have plan to go out today. just stay in my sweet lil room, on my sweet lil bed, in my sweet not-so-lil pyjamas hi hi.

didnt do much yesterday. it was a boring day. someone was in a bad mood. whatever. not sure whether it was me, or something that i said, or something that i blogged, or it was just me being over overly sensitive. since when do i care about other people's mood? is it not my prinsip - do whatever you want, as long as you dont disturb me? whatever. but i still feel this uneasiness in me.

FINE.

WHATEVER.

whatever. you know deep inside that there was some truth in what i said, whatever it was. i wouldnt care less about your mood. fine.

shanti is back yey! the house is full again. cant wait for ellina to come back hihihi.

sayang is trying to amik hati my sis by belanja-ing her at the chilli's. jealous! no, i'm not jealous of him going out with my sis, i'm jealous that they eat good food! haha. me? nasi with telur goreng and kicap. sad sad. but i'm happy deep inside for sayang is able to go out and enjoy himself again. go and borrow kak lysa's harry potter and read it fast! love you to bits, hun.

finally the telekom had installed a landphone in my parents new house. not only that it is cheaper to call a landphone, it has a much much better reception as well, as my new house is quite ulu located. kak lysa, nak gambo! ko janji nk email gambo umah baru tu, like, 2 weeks ago. nak gambo, gambo, gambo! hihi

i finally bought some hair tongs!! they had some final sale in boots and guess what? it is exactly like ct's! since i bought them with the gift voucher that ct and yus gave me for my birthday, so the hair tongs are actually a gift from them la kan? thank you thank you haha me so happy next time leh buat big curls again 8-in-1 set tuh i can do my hair whatever style i want la la la.

options update: 1-obstetrics. 2-palliative meds. 3-complementary medicine. not final decision yet. gosh i'm so fickle minded nowadays. make your choice, woman

dont feel like i want to cook this weekend. somehow lost that urge to cook. it was something that someone said to me, but again, i think i'm being ridicilously overly sensitive again. like, whatever.

suddenly feel malas plak to start my course again this monday. there are too much hassle in 4th year. presentations. options. elective. why cant they sort it out themselves? i just like to stay in my room, studying. gile anti-sosial. yup, guess that what i am nowadays. like to be left alone, mind my own bloody business, no one eye-ing at me who ready to tegur me anytime. whatever. you know what? i am an anti-social person, and i'm fully comfortable with that. like someone gonna die if i dont go speaking to the world.

got to go. gonna watch F1 qualifying now. good day

mumbling...

9/01/2005 09:57:00 PM 2 Comments »
before i start, i would like to apologise on my last entry. as much as i dont like to explain myself, but i think some readers misunderstood what i was trying to say. the person mentioned was not you, or you, nope not you, definitely not you. no, no, it's not you. in most cases, those that i mentioned anonymously in my blog are those who do not know the existance of this blog, altho there are some exceptions, like 'that' girl, for example. if i refer to my friends, i tend to use their actual name, like ct, or liza, or nad etc. i really really love this blog, and i dont want it to hurt anyone's feeling, well, maybe if 'that' girl, i dont mind, altho actually i dont want to hurt 'that' girl's feeling, it was just a one off act of anger. no, liza, i dont mind people asking me about depression, i just said that it was weird and uncomfortable to have a discussion about it.

again, i love this blog, and i hate to explain myself, but i strongly want to be able to write here freely. i cant see any harm, what you read was exactly what i have in my mind at that moment, and i am not evil or dirty minded or criminally minded or busuk hati or suka buat fitnah. i just write what is in my mind. i never write about politics, or sexual fantasy, or evil plots, or religious thing. it is just a mind of a typical 20 something girl who is coping with the ups and downs of a typical unpredictable life.

it's normal when someone has the opposite opinion as the person who lives next to her; everyone's unique. it's impossible to live in a world where everyone share the same opinion. when i tak puas hati or terasa with someone, i think about it, maybe write it here in my blog, but i never say that i am a better person that my opinion is much much better compared to other's. buat ape nak kate kite bagus? it's like denying the hard facts of statistic. so, what i'm trying to say is that this blog is my place, for my thoughts, as much as i like to ignore what other people think about this blog, i cant, so please dont be overly sensitive, this blog is not for me to kutuk people that i tak puas hati to, it is a place for me to reflect on my thoughts. full stop.

ok, shall we start now.

went to work this morning to find several huge pile of papers on my desk. yup, now i have my own desk, with my own pc. b4 this i had to tumpang pc sape2 yg free, tempat tuh miskin nk wat camne, but i only come to work once a week, so i dont mind that much. now, basically, since i do miscellaneous job there, they give me a pc and a table lah. i still summarise medical notes, as well as put the hospital letters' data into the computer, various lab results as well, ecg, xray etc. sometimes i do secretary's job as well, like writing the referral letter, but since i only work 6 hours a day, i barely have time to do that.

so basically i do the other stuff leftovers lah. they just put stuff on my desk, and i'll come once a week to tidy things up. yup, i tidy things up, and it is exhausting. but i like my job. i feel needed. it's like my job is to fill up the blanks and i like that. and i learn a lot as well. i think soon they'll teach me how to do templates and referrals. wish i could work more than 6 hours, but i know my priority is my study. altho the workplace is old, bangunan buruk betul, the stuff are friendly. but since i come only once a week, to do a huge pile of work in 6 hours, i dont find time to borak2 much. they said it's perfectly ok for them, as they like me to finish my work.

i found out that i'm prone to feel down. small things can bring me down. but i also found out that i'm good at comforting myself. small things can cheer me up. nobody can cheer me up except myself, and i know i have to remain calm and not panic, then i'll be fine. good :)

one of the dearest person in my life is struggling at the moment and i'm worried. i really wish that i can be there for them physically, but i cant. just to let you know that you're in my mind always, and in my prayers as well. do take care, be strong, and i'm here always for you to reach me anytime.

what else? oh ssm or 4th year options. i seriously take one step at a time, and now i'm a bit unsure about the options. i got about 2 weeks to decide 3 options. i know it was radiology that i was fond of in the past, but somehow i lost interest in that area. i have decided on 1 option tho, not in a million years that i thought i would be interested in this area, i choose palliative medicine. it is a branch of medicine that concerns of end of stage of disease, when there is no cure or treatment available, it provides the best support for the patient to feel the best comfortable end of life stage. gosh. i am a different person now.

for the rest of the options, i'm thinking of obstetrics. hmm a tough choice this one. i dont like gynae, and i absolutely dislike children, but somehow i think that i need to have enuff obstetric skill to be a better doc. 6 weeks in delivery suite? kene pk dulu. i like doing a gp option, but normally you have to arrange that privately, and since i only take one step at a time (confirm pass exam dulu), so i didnt arrange one. what else? i like to do 1 easy and relaxing stuff like complementary medicine, but somehow i'm a bit enthusiastic of medicine at the moment, so i'm not sure about that. arghh kene pk lagih.

ok, got to watch House now (it's a tv series). have a nice day. and you take care :)