5/23/2007 09:16:00 PM 0 Comments »
stress.. stress.. panic.. stress.. stress.. PANIC

i feel numb

i feel dumb

i feel dull

i feel nothing

panic = serabut = empty head

kenapa dungu sgt kepala ni???

hope the pills can switch off this head. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day


5/21/2007 03:28:00 PM 0 Comments »
happy monday everyone..

i'm blogging from my room. how? using nad's old laptop. million thanks nad, i really appreciate it. i owe you big time.

i've turned my room into a 'kubu'. what kubu? well kubu might not be the right choice of word to describe what i've done to my room, let just say that my room is a right mess at the moment with notes and books everywhere, and you have to watch where you land your foot cos you dont want to step on something. basically my desk is not big enough to contain all my notes, books and everything that i need to read and revise for the exams. so what i did was i rearranged my bedroom furnitures so that i have this hugh space right in the centre, then i used one of my old duvey cover (well, ideally, a sleeping bag or some sort of a big spread, so that's why i need my sleeping bag from you, nad) to cover the floor so that i can do what i want on the floor with the notes + books all within my reach. so far so good. spreading all the notes and books on the floor, then organising and prioritising things that i need to do first, well it works for me ha ha. i always knew i'm not a very organised person, but as long it helps with my revision, i'll go for it.

there are a few things that keep on floating in my head, things here and there, mostly unimportant things that keep on bugging my head, so typically i have to let it out and share it with the world. and that's why i need to have this blog, i NEED it as part of my emotional therapy, for me to release my thought and concern, or else i can be a bit 'screwed' in the head for trying to cope with all the overworking mind. a few weeks of no computer, meaning no blogging whenever i feel like i want to write something, that was no good to me. luckily azali was there, my family too, but it never beats writing a good, long blog where i can write whatever i want. anyway, these are just a few things that i want to let out from my head for some time:

1) i dont prefer old guys. why? cos i think they'll boring. they will be serious and mature all the time, there will be no fun, especially for me who can be a bit childish and jumpy every now and then. nothing turns me off more than if someone asks me to calm down and act my age when at that time i feel like being silly and be a complete fool. childish is my secret middle name you see.

2) i like the union of raja nazrin and the super brainy, super beautiful zara. i keep on thinking about them for a few days now, how perfect it is for them to be together. i also cant help but to think how wasteful it is for them not to meet earlier, like 10 years earlier ke, then it would be much better right? imagine you finally meet someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with, but you can only spend the next 20, maybe 30 years of your life with them, cos apparently that is just as far as the typical human year stretch. well, that is what we call jodoh..

3) my one and only sister is getting married this friday. yup, this friday. sorry i cant be there, kak lysa, i have my own obstacle that i have to face really soon. this thing i HATE the ultimate most. for not being there. when i left her last august, she was single and free, and now when i'll be back, she will already have a guy standing next to her who will say, 'hi, i'm you new brother'. what the heck. dont get me wrong, i'm ecstatically happy that she finally found her knight of shining armour, someone that she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and that she is happy. but i'm sad for not being there for her, like she is always be for me. same like my younger brother. when i left him 7 years ago, he was just this one geeky boy who had just finished spm and then gone to atma. and now he is this one matured young man, who will be a father in 2 months time. what the heck. and my sis-in-law whom my mum said is brilliant and easy to hang out with.. and i have only met her, like twice, before the wedding. and dont let me start with my youngest bro. iwan was just a mere 12 years old boy when i left him, and now he is one big, tall boy who bears the same boyish face, but all grown up. and my parents who are not getting all younger. right.. shall i stop here b4 some damn tears starting to emerge from nowhere

no, i'm not finished yet with my thoughts..

4) really fucking damn hate guys who take advantage on women. like men who ask their wives to cook for them every single day when the wives also working. both are working, and both pay 50-50 for the rent, bills and mortgages, but when at home, the men will lepak baca paper while the wives go straight to the kitchen to cook, clean the house, wash and iron their clothes, and the list goes on. what the fuck? mmg tak adil. this is typical laki melayu. mmg hangin betul when i talk about this issue, this is a big, BIG sensitive issue to me, so remember any one of you who bring this topic in front of me, or worse, bring this kind of men, or should i call them bastards, to me, then you will know what i will say in front of them. it's not the things that i'm gonna say to them that they should be afraid of, it's the thing that i'll do to them that they should watch out. fine, i might be a mere little lady who is a bit opinionated when she talks on her view, but i will do all i can, with these two small hands and legs and knees and head and whatever there is in front of me, to kick and punch and sepak and tendang and tampar them bastards. and i'm fucking serious.

and you know what else that annoys me? it's the ladies as well. it's partly your fault as well, for permitting your guys to do what they do to you. apsal la lemah sgt. what annoys me most is when this story came out that the husband hit the wife for, like, many years, and yet the wife still stay with the guy. fine, he's your husband and you love him, but if he hits you, that is super wrong. and guess what, you've got 2 legs, havent you, then leave him la si bedul. seriously, i do love azali with all my heart and i really do, but if he does things that is hurting me, physically or emotionally, i will have to leave him. full stop. no compromise. i'm talking about you here. life is about choices. pomp melayu takut sgt kene tinggal, nnt kene tohmahan masyarakat etc, if it is up to me, i'll pack my bag, get my kids and stand on my own feet. i have my job, i have my family, i have my kids, then go and face the world. leave the bastard and be strong. see what have i done here? i got carried away. i am very opinionated when i'm talking about malay families. how arrogant malay guys can be, how lemah malay women can be, and i'm really angry with that.

ok, where am i? yup, me and some issues that keep on bugging in my head. this is what exactly will happen when i stop blogging for a while and keep these burning issues in my head. azali already got used to that. he said he developed this technique of selective hearing, when i start bebel about my view and thought, he will slowly switch off his ears and only pick up a few 'keywords' so that when i ask him later, he will confidently say those few keywords altho the truth is that he got no idea what i was talking about. bertuah betul. well, at least he's there for me to pour down all my thought haha. hmm camne la dia leh tahan with me membebel.. hmm might be one of the wonders the world huh haha

oklah, happy revision to me, the best of happiness to my sister, and good luck to the world.

thursday afternoon

5/17/2007 11:58:00 AM 0 Comments »
alo alo

seriously patah kaki takde internet/laptop kat bilik. rosak meh huhuhu. am now blogging at the library that is full with students. robinson library meh, med school library lagilah amatlah penuhnye.. at least here at the uni lib i still manage to get a sit next to the window.. so oklah.

just spent some money on a revision website. i think it's worth it. anything for final huh. ape lah sgt 26 quids tu, if i can spend 200 quids on a handbag, of course i can (and should!) spend some portion of my money for my course. gosh i do need a laptop in my room... i'll ask nad if i can borrow his old one..hmm

anyway, life's the same, except for the ultimate event in my life that is going to take place in 2 weeks time. this time next month i will know whether i'll be extremely happy, or extremely heart-brokenly sad. we'll see. of course i'm scared, but whatever happens, i will do my best and give it my all. my number one enemy is my confidence. my confidence hits rock bottom several times, and so far i manage to pick up some of the broken pieces and get myself together again. and i will never know when i'm going to lose it again. maybe tomoro, maybe today. i need to believe that i can pass this exam. yet that seems impossible. well there's no use to keep on thinking about it, no one can improve my confidence except myself, so all i can do know is to keep on revising and avoid people or things that can lower my confidence even more. and yeah, i need to avoid people who irritates and annoys me, as this exam thingy, plus stress, makes my patience's threshold a bit lower that usual. so, that's you, yup you, can you please not come and show your face to me, at least until the exams finish? i dont want to shout at you, or curse you, so the best thing is to avoid me, ok? i'm trying to be nice here, and that is a rare thing, so do appreciate my request ok.

gotta continue studying. good luck to me. adios


5/10/2007 10:58:00 AM 0 Comments »
this week has been really bad. felt a bit suicidal.

i hate people generally at this time of my life. hate everything about them. hate their face, the way they talk, the way they walk, the way they smell. and you know what, i even hate myself more. hate myself for being part of the population, hate myself for being me. basically, everything sucks at the moment.

super hatred me

computer rosak

5/05/2007 11:19:00 AM 0 Comments »
yeah you read it right. whether it was a virus, or the fact that the laptop is 70 years old human life (hehe me guessing.. it's actually 7 years old ie i bought it in 2000) i dont know. it just wont work anymore. agaknye dah tiba masenye. why oh why you cant wait another 1 month or so?

anyway, i'm blogging from shanti's laptop. she has kindly let me use her old laptop. sigh... mmg mati kutu betul takde internet. hopefully yus and his friends can have a look at it in a few days time. hopefully boleh betulkan, if not then hopefully can save the hard disk cos all of my lifetime works are there plus hundreds, if not thousands, of pictures are stored inside that laptop. so hopefully boleh diselamatkan.

at least there is one good news that cheered me up yesterday. the pics from my camera's memory card are now safely stored in a cd, done by the good stuff at jacobs' camera shop. although not all pics were saved, but at least some pics of me and mama were one of those that were saved. i'll put the pics sometime later ok, for kak lysa, jiman and iwan to view it in malaysia.

nadine and oja are here, so riuh sket rumah, tu la best tu. we had a chat last night until half 3 in the morning hihi. we might be going out this afternoon, after ellina and nadine come back from the umno meeting. yup, umno. to be precised, umno newcastle agm meeting. me? i came to the annual agm meeting 2 years ago and menyesal sampai skrg. dulu mule2 nak ajak masuk umno kate it's a social and gathering club, nnt boleh buat a programme or two for us to get to know malaysians who live in newcastle better. how wrong i was. it was full with politics and everyone gila kuasa. well that's how i view it. i might not know politics, but i do know what i dont like. so this time around, i rather face a blank wall for 2 hours than to come to that meeting. nicely said, elly, think i might get into trouble for saying this, but i dont fucking damn care, mara doesnt send me here to join politics, so why would i be worried?

anyway, since nad is here, he said he would question me a thing or two and i like that. finals are less than 4 weeks away and i need all the help i can get. nadine is good teacher, a bit garang sometimes hehe but i dont mind that. i'd rather get scolded from him than the examiners huh.

oklah, i'm guessing the umno meeting will be ending soon so i need to get prepared in case they want to go to town straight after that. hehe belom mandi hehe. have a nice weekend!