11/26/2005 12:52:00 AM 1 Comment »

to cheer a broken heart..

last day sekolah for 2005!

11/25/2005 10:49:00 AM 0 Comments »
HAPPY BIRTHDAY encik tunang!

finally both of us are in the same age hihi


raya open house 19/11/05. me and my housemates, shanti, ct and ellina.

nothing much to write. today is my final day for this sem. only have 1 lecture at half 3, so lepak2 aa dulu, bangun lambat hihi. think i might go to med school earlier to do some reading, but i can do that in my room. nah, i dont believe my bed and my tv, they keep on calling me to spend some time with them haha. fine, fine, i'll go to med school now.

numb mind

11/23/2005 06:27:00 PM 0 Comments »
finally, after 8 weeks, i have my passport back. they've granted me a 2-year visa! was so happy yesterday. i expect a 1-year visa, as my scholarship ends next july when i need to reapply it again, so i was surprised when the homeoffice gave me a 2-year visa. i'm truly grateful for not needing to save and spend another 250quids for another visa extension.

as planned, the next step would be hunting the flight ticket to go home, like, in 2 weeks time. i know it's a bit late, but what to do, i dont want to buy the ticket without confirming my visa first. unfortunately, most of the tickets are now taken and i'm left with the expensive ones. i searched endlessly yesterday and today to find a ticket that suits my account balance and i admit it was quite disappointing. managed to view a ticket online this morning but when i went to see the travel agent this afternoon, it was gone. some of the websites are funny too. macam biskut, kejap ade, kejap takde, then the next day ade balik, bila nk book, dah takde. well, as i said before, i have a feeling that i cant go back this december, but i dont think it's right to give up. so right now, if ade rezeki then i'll go home, if not, i'll stay here with the company of my friends.

newcastle is in its coldest winter ever. there are rumours that it will snow tomoro. for the 6th year i'm here, it never snows in november. a couple of night ago it was minus 7. super freezing cold. as much as i like winter and snow, but to have it this early and this cold, it's too much. while mama complained for malaysia especially kuantan has rained non-stop since earlier this week. worried weird world weather.

today as usual i work. a bit tired and sleepy cos last night's sleep wasnt good. went to library after that to do some revision. i drank 2 cups of coffee today, and that is a record. am so tired at the moment. physically and mentally. i decided not to go to badminton tonight, my shoulder hurts again. i'm pretty sure it's the rotator cuff muscles, but i'm too lazy to get ibuprofen. the cold weather makes it worse.

am heading home now. shall i take the bus or walk? it's damn cold outside. the bus stop is 10 minutes walk from here but the bus is not frequent since it's already 8 in the evening. while it takes about 30 minutes to walk from here to home. think i'll walk since i got my backpack today and dont have to put all pressure in one shoulder. got my coat and gloves. home, here i come.

sleepy head on a monday

11/21/2005 05:44:00 PM 0 Comments »
am so so soo sleepy right now. just finished the last lecture (at 5!) and am now waiting for the mandarin class at 6. ngantuk gile. last night i missed mama so much (euw childish + ngengada ahaks) and spoke to her until 2 in the morning. i miss home so much. these are the reasons why i must go home this dec:
- miss mama, abah, jiman, iwan and kak lysa
- miss azali sooo much
- havent seen my new house in kuantan. everyone else has seen it except me.
- my parents are going to haji at the end of dec. it's their wish to see all their childen before they leave..this makes me sad.
- got my dad's company's family day. i never been to one. they are usually held in a nice place, nice hotel, nice food, nice people, basically everything is nice
- got to do rebonding. desperately
- got to buy the food essential stock like bilis, cili kering etc.
- this is a really important one. i got to sort out my elective for next june in hospital kuantan. their website is so crap.
- jiman's graduation and commision this december. after that he'll be captain ridzman!
- this is another really important one. sort out the preparation for jiman's wedding. my parents desperately need my help/approval/view on everything cos this is the 1st wedding of our family and they're not sure what to do. not that i know what to do, but they value my views, maybe because i got some friends who are good in this sort of stuff, like ellina and mu'azzah.

the more i list out the reasons for me to go back, the sadder i become. i have a feeling that i cant go back this dec. a strong feeling. with the visa and ticket problems, dont think i can go back. well, as promised, i dont want to think too much, i take each day as it is, and take one step at a time. all that i need to do now is to concentrate for my exams in 2 weeks time. other things can be put on hold.

last saturday we had our raya open house. it was a blast. i started making banana cakes on thursday evening (4 of them!). i thought 4 would be enough. obviously not. then most of our dishes we cooked on friday. we made nasi himpit, nasi tomato, rendang ayam, kuah kacang, chicken wing bbq, milo jellies and some fruit salad. this year we were quite organised, with ct's cooking timetable, plus me and ct were free on friday to prepare the food. about 40 people came, all are friends (sorry we dont invite foes! hihi) and it seemed everyone was having a good time and enjoyed themselves. the kuah kacang and banana cakes finished first. about 10 people asked me for the recipe, and i'm so happy they liked it. second most popular dish was the chicken wing bbq. it was so simple to make, only need to marinate it for 1/2 hour, but it tastes so good. lucky we got some leftovers for ourselves, we made around 150 of them. i promise to upload some pictures here and in my fotopages soon.

so that was saturday. oh forgot to mention that oja came all the way from glasgow to enjoy our raya open house. sorry that huda couldnt make it, die tak sampai hati to leave dear husband even for a night, takpela, i'll make you rendang and banana cake next time you come to see me ok.

what else? oh yeah, this is worth mentioning. i saw the latest harry potter movie on friday. it was the 1st view of the day. i didnt know that the cinema opens at 10, so i had to stand outside, freezing cold for 20 minutes, along with other about 20 hardcore fans of harry. of course they were all looked eager to enter the cinema, but alas, they needed to que and buy the ticket first, where else i, the most handcore fan of harry ever (self-confessed hihi) had bought the ticket a few days earlier and as a result of that i was the 1st person to enter the cinema room. i was so so soo happy, climbing the stairs at the side of the seats, choosing the bestest seat (it's free seating here in the uk) and you know what, i was laughing out loud HA HA HA! no one was there (yet), i was about to watch my favouritest movie in the bestest seat and i can do whatever i want, well, for 30 seconds before other viewers arrived. might sound a bit childish, but i was really happy, no children at all (it's quarter past 10 view on a friday morning where all children are at school. dont like children cos they are noisy. hihi selfish siot) and the cinema was only half full (again, weekday view). was i clever or what? muahahahha

the movie was superb. but again, i'm a very biased viewer cos i like harry potter so much. it was quite a fast-paced movie, from one plot to another, and honestly i dont think non-readers could understand the storyline. ok, enough said, dont want to spoil those who havent seen the movie. some said it wasnt as good as the 1st 3 movies, well, that's their opinion and i respect that. tho i was a bit sad, as i am a hardcore fan. but the movie receives a lot of good reviews, from the papers and the internet, and i like that. i like harry potter and i like it when others share the same view.

oklah, got to go now. gonna go to my last mandarin class session. dont think i want to take any language lesson again. at least not for now. now i have to concentrate and pass and finish my course first. good day everyone :)

la la la

11/17/2005 12:36:00 PM 0 Comments »
sejuk sih. last night it was minus 2 ellina said. it was freezzzziiiing cold. someone told me that it's going to be the coldest winter ever since 1962. sejukkkk..brr..

malas gak. am at med school at the moment, waiting for the half one seminar. rase malas plak nk pie. but i've prepared the case study. hmm maybe that's a good reason for not going. cos since i've already prepared the case, so i wont lose anything by not going. see where my mind is going? tee hee hee.

went to sport centre to play badminton last night despite the freezing weather. i havent played for 2 weeks, to let my shoulder to heal properly. good, last night my shoulder didnt hurt anymore and i enjoyed myself. met up with the other malaysians, gosh i was the only malay, but that doesnt matter, i just want to play badminton. went to the library before that to prepare today's case study. before that i went to work, as usual, on wednesday. on the way back i went to tesco to buy 3 buckets of ice-creams and a few other stuff for the open house this saturday. so overall i had a productive day yesterday, and i liked it. productive day means good day :)

seriously malas nk pie seminar. maybe gonna have lunch with ellina at 1 when she finishes her lectures. after that i plan to do some food shopping for this saturday open house. i need to bake 5 banana cakes tonight. gees, never done that before. hopefully jadik. according to ct's cooking timetable, we gonna make the cakes, jellies, and nasi himpit tonight. tomoro gonna be a super busy day cos we plan to make most of the dishes tomoro. but then i managed to get ct's consent to watch harry potter tomoro yippee!! i'm gonna watch the 1st view of the day, at quarter past 10 in the morning. i wish i can watch it tonight, they'll have a 5 past midnight screen. and i think they gonna finish at nearly 3 in the morning, so dont think it's a good idea for me to watch it, alone.

talked to mama just now. sian die, sorang2 kat ampang. abah went to penang for a meeting and kak lysa to china and mama is home alone. die tak berani nk duk kuantan sorang, so one of my aunt gonna kawankan die kat ampang. iwan is having his spm right now. super stressed, mama said. i wasnt there when he took upsr and pmr, and now spm. no wonder i'm in his bottom list of people he loves and cares most. he said he loves mama the most, then kak lysa, then jiman and abah, and i'm the last. what to do. i've never been there for him. hopefully i can talk to him this weekend for my parents are going to visit him at his school.

oklah, azali is online. think i wanna chat with him for a while before going to lunch.

simpler

11/15/2005 12:42:00 PM 0 Comments »
monday was a bad day.
think i'm going crazy.
no. if i think or keep on thinking about it, then i'm really going to be crazy.

one question. i didnt think it was a difficult one. but others seem to think otherwise. but i agree it wasnt a fair question.

is it true that i'm actually a simple person who believe the opposite?

like if i constantly said that i'm a difficult and complicated person, i eventually become one, tho the truth is the opposite? like if i constantly talking about depression, i eventually have one? tho the ultimate truth fact is that i havent?

it's all in my mind, some says. it's all in my head.

some says that i'm actually a simple person who thinks the opposite.

are you saying i'm a pretender? am i a liar?

maybe they're true. maybe they are not. i cant seem to find the answer and my head cant accept that.

some says it works like a mantra. the more you constantly say and think about certain thing, it will eventually become true. is it true? or is it not? i cant seem to find the truth. i doubt i'll find one, and i doubt if it will be a solution that will satisfy my mind.

so what satisfy me? i dont know. i dont want to be unfair nor greedy, but i still want a solution that satisfies me. the thing is, i dont know what i want. so i dont know what will satisfy me. thus i cant find any solution. you can give me 1001 solutions and if not one of them satisfy my mind, then i wont find any answer at all. forever.

the questions are:
- what do i want? i dont know.
- am i a complicated person? i dont know.
- am i a simple person who think otherwise? i dont know.

too many questions, yet no answer. no answer that will satisfy me. the thing is, i dont know what answer will satisfy me.

- do you think they are difficult questions? i dont think so.
- do you think they are fair questions? i dont think so.

they are not difficult, but unfair questions.

where should i seek for answers? will the answers be the truth? i wish so, but i doubt it.

some says politely, and carefully, that i can be the simplest in a complicated matter, and i can also be complicated in a simplest task. is it true?

i dont know what i feel now. it makes me sad, a bit.

i dont think there's any harm on having a complicated mind. but to pretend to have one? it's not good, right? and if the questions that i ask myself are true, then by simple deduction, i'm a bad person then.

- am i actually a simple person who think otherwise? presumably, true.
- to pretend to have a complicated mind? bad person.

so overall i'm a bad person. and i feel sad. for being a bad person. i feel less human. i feel like shutting myself from the world cos i'm a lesser human. a lesser human doesnt have the right to live. says who? no one.

you know what? i think the best way is to be simpler. since to pretend to have a complicated mind but in fact own a simple mind makes me a bad person, then the best way is to change myself to be simpler. that is the only solution that i can find last night. it's not the best solution, but it seems to satisfy my mind. but can one change oneself to be simpler? do i want to? i must. cos being the one described above, i'm a bad person. no one wants to be a bad person.

tho it is just an assumption that the answer for the question above is true.

ok. i'll be a simpler person. i'll try to be one. no more standing in front of the cupboard for 10 minutes to decide on what to wear. no more thinking for 4 hours to decide on what to eat for dinner. no more 'to go or not to go'. no more 'to do or not to do'. just go for it. or not go for it. it wont be easy. one reason i'm bad at making decision is that i'm afraid of the consequences. not anymore. every action comes with its consequences. some are good and others are bad. and there is always a silver lining in every clouds. do i really believe this? i dont, but i think i have to. i wont allow myself to think more than 1/2 hour, then i'll just have to do it.

i have to do it. i have. i dont want to be a bad person. i'm not a lesser human. it's the battle btw me and my mind. good luck to me.

sunny but cold sunday

11/13/2005 12:08:00 PM 0 Comments »

happy couple :)

a friend used to tell me how she hopes to get engaged and married to a man she truly likes. well, she is about to get her wish comes true this summer :) arent they lovely? hehe with matching outfits. btw i got her permission to put her picture here. the guy is very quiet but seems nice and he does make her happy. i wish them the very best in life.

sunday. another bliss. tho not as bliss as saturday. saturday is good cos you have sunday the next day. while on sunday, you have monday the next day, which is not a good day. but when you are on monday itself, it's good cos at the end of that day, you've done a fifth of your weekdays. what am i doing now, writing bout days? i must be super bored.

am currently disliking a person. not my azali, we're good. he is nice. maybe the only person in this world who can stand of me. even my parents cant stand me too long. i'm wild, rude, rough, selfish, super easily irritated, likes cursing, super hate being told what to do, super duper bapak degil and lots more. no suprise when my own bro said that if he was my bf, he would have left me ages ago. now i understand why my parents, especially my mum, and my old roomate were shocked and disbelieved when i told them about azali. they thought for someone who can accept me, he must be super-human. seriously, they thought that. mind you, i'm not a bad person. i'm a difficult and complicated person. i'm not sure how my friends view me, but i think they know not to cross the border. i'm not being two-faced, i think i'm worse than what my friends think i am, but i'm better than what my family think i am. the only person who really knows me is azali. that's why i always coming back to him. although i treated him like dirt in the past, he still called just to ask for my wellbeing. 'dah mkn belom. jaga diri ye.' although i cursed him like hell and he read it, he still called just to ask for my wellbeing. he still sent me some kuih raya. he still speaks nicely in the phone. that's why i always coming back to him.

back to the person i'm currently loathing. they're really testing my nerve. if others accept your decision, doesnt mean you can make mine. dont try to rule my life. if i cant make a decision, doesnt mean you can make mine. you are no one. no bloody one in my life. stop being a big-headed. stop being a dominant. buzz off

saturday..

11/12/2005 02:11:00 PM 0 Comments »
hello again. it's saturday noon, and i'm still in my pyjamas. bless. these past few saturdays had been full and i'm glad today i can rest and do nothing. ct and yus went to nottingham this morning and ellina went to attend a job interview in metro centre, and i'm alone in my room with my duvet and teddies, on my double bed, with the tv remote on my right hand. me and my beloved tv. my ideal saturday hihi.

talked to huda just now. it's nice to hear that voice again. she's been quite busy lately, as expected for being a doctor, but she still hasnt lost her sense of humour. hope to see you next saturday huda ;)

for next saturday we're having a raya open house!! like last year, we are going to cook non-stop for 2 days and 2 nights, making rendang, kuah kacang, nasi himpit, lemang, chicken wing bbq, kek pisang, and maybe nasi tomato as well. nice! this year we estimate the guests to be twice the number compared to last year, meaning we are going to cook for about 50 people! hmm..boleh buat nyer! tho we lost one of our last year toyol aka nadine hhehehe he can make good begedel i tell you hihi. but he prefers to be somewhere else, like 'in the arms of miss sweetie' muahaha. takpe la, am hoping this year will be more organised than last year, yup, i'm not worried cos we got cik ct to organise our cooking timetable hehe.

what else to write? oh yeah, a big, big, BIG congratulations to ct for passing her exams! never seen her so happy and lively and bubbly and smiling and laughing, ever before! good for you, girl, good for you.

cant bloody wait for harry potter next week (mode: terkinja2 lompat2 atas kerusi hihi). cant wait to see the movie. bet it's a more serious and darker movie. i dont mind that in a movie, but i dont like reading it in a supposedly children book. well, what the hell, i'm not the author. bet my sister gonna say, 'huh tak best, harry dah besar, dah tak cute dah'. which i think is true. ape pun, cant wait to see the movie this friday, except that it's the day before our raya open house, so dont think ct gonna let me leave the house. we'll see.. ;)

almost finish the kuih raya that azali sent me. tart nenas tinggal satu. dont have the heart to finish the last one. dont know when will i taste tart nenas again. sedihnyer.. tart nenas..kuih paling best satu dunia huhu

oklah, gonna get some food to eat before lying on my bed again. saturday...bless :) have a nice weekend ;)

reflecting..

11/08/2005 07:32:00 PM 0 Comments »
mode: malas

when it's cold and wet outside, and you just had dinner and showered and put on your pyjamas, all you want to do is lying on the bed doing nothing.

that's exactly what i'm doing right now hihi.

the weather has been quite horrible lately. it's wet, windy, and super cold. cant imagine how cold the winter will be like. on second thought, yes i do, it will be my 6th winter here this december, and of course i know what winter will be like. i'm just hoping that i can spend the early winter somewhere else besides newcastle. somewhere really hot, which serves really good and cheap food, with lots of familiar faces. i'm thinking of home. but with my current visa-less plus passport-less situation, things are not going well as planned. as much as i dont want to think about it, i do.

i'm covered by feelings of guilt for writing bout my relationship probs in this blog. it's personal and private. but being me, typical hot-big-headed fiercely defensive me, i just had to pour it out loud. i cant keep it to myself. sometimes i share personal stuff to my mum, but when one is really damn moody and angry, one just cannot help from shouting, and of course one doesnt want to shout at one's mum.

well, what's done is done. terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kate badan binasa. now i have to accept the consequences, whatever that is. but i do stick on my words. i have no regrets. i was very very angry at that time and that indeed influenced my judgement. i wrote a few entries in the past that i didnt publish, but this time my anger exceeded everything and i decided to publish it. i know that i'll always feel guilty on whatever decision i make, so be it.

think i better stop now and do something useful, like, revising. exams are a few weeks away, and being a very slow starter, think i should start by updating my notes. i'll be working as usual tomoro, and believe it or not, i just asked for a raise. i hope i get a raise after being paid less 20% than what every other medical notes summarisers received. i didnt ask for much, i just want to be paid fairly, but of course i was scared, this is my first job and this is the first time ever i ask for a raise. hope it went ok. have a nice week everyone.

11/04/2005 12:33:00 PM 1 Comment »
mode: moody. bloody fucking moody

seems like everything annoys me. from the weather, to hari raya, to the people i met, to the classes, to the retail therapy that used to get rid of my bad mood. well, not anymore. i cant seem to find it enjoyable anymore.

you see, it's hari raya. i celebrate it like what i did previous years. i woke up like usual, went to class like usual, did my routine like usual. it's not possible for me to cook with my weekday routine, plus i have housemates who has major exams, or presentations or projects. it doesnt matter whether it's major or not, but basically us overseas student dont have the leisure of public holiday on hari raya. the most i can do is to cook on the weekend. but this one guy said 'ntah la, saya tak tahu la macam mane awak sambut hari raya kat sane..'. bloody hell. what do you want me to do? visit kubur? pakai baju kurung? i'm bloody annoyed.

i do appreciate ramadhan and syawal. i called my parents and seeked for their forgiveness. i called my sister and brothers to wish them hari raya. i couldnt go to solat raya cos i had classes that morning. i'm truly happy that syawal is here. what else to you expect me to do?

i'm also annoyed with the total minutes that i used to call malaysia. i calculated them from the previous 3 months phone bills. teka aa how many minutes i used to call malaysia, especially him. bloody freaking 1100++ minutes every month!! bloody hell. yet he accused me of abandoning him? ....rase nk pecah kepala bengang. yet when i called him yesterday he didnt sound pleased. ?? cos i didnt call him on 1st day of raya. ??. bloody hell. bloody freaking hell. pissed off gile2 babi nyer. fine, i can go visit other people's houses, those postgrad's who i only met once a year. but i dont want to. i still can remember the way they treated us 2 years ago, undergrad who doesnt wear scarf. mati hidup balik i wont go there again.

bet he gonna say, 'abis tu, pakai aa tudung tu'.

.................... . .

i'm sick of trying to be nice. i am what i am. when he met me, i never show him any other face except myself. i'm no nice, no girly2, but i'm no rude. just me. the real me. and he seemed to accept me. obviously 5 years are not enough to know someone. he wants me to change. i'll change when i want to, if necessary, obviously no one perfect, but he asked something that is impossible, and i bloody bloody hate being told what to do. it's the same old story, i'm not nice enough to him, even my family starts to back him up. bloody hell. did i not use the word bodoh before you tell me you like me? did we not agree that tv is very important for both of us? bloody stupid things.

fine. FINE.

then i tried to do some retail therapy to soothe my anger. bloody hell. there's nothing for me to buy. nothing seems to satisfy me. not handbag, not shoes, not clothes, not nine west. all seem so freakin dull. this annoys me even more.

still no news about visa. a friend told me that sept-oct are peak seasons for visa renewal so it will take more time for them to settle it. that's good news, and bad news. good news cos now i know it's not lost in the postage, or got delayed or rejected. bad news is that it can still be lost in the postage, or got delayed or rejected, or they gonna settle it way too late for me to buy ticket to go back home this early december. i just cant be bothered about it anymore. if i manage to get the visa and go back home this dec, that'll be great. if not, i'll buy myself an ipod mini. along with its speaker.

obviously i'm not in the best of mood. fine, i know the world doesnt evolve around me, and i have to consider other people's mood as well. today is another day. just finished a dermalogical suture session. guess what. they used pig meat to practice suturing. of course i didnt do it. i just watched. but i dont like it when they all make a big fuss about it. 'are you ok with it?' like 5 people asked me that. i know my limitation, i cant touch those pig meat, so i just watched. plus i bloody hate gloves. do i have to tell everyone why oh why i hate gloves? my own freaking business. i just hate gloves. do i need a reason for hating gloves? fine, i'm a freak, so what does it have to do with you? i just hate fucking gloves.

i bet he will say 'oh haram babi tu, abis kenapa dtg kelas tu?'. cos it's a damn important class. i need to know the suture technique. i watched, and i learnt, and i practice at home. dont tell me what my boundaries and limitations are. i know how to take care of myself and stop telling me what to do. and stop using that voice tone ever again.

fine. fucking FINE. better log off now before i curse more bad words. bet there will be some big war when he read this. you know what. i dont fucking care. you promised to accept me just the way i am, and you know me the most so you know i dont like being told what to do, being sarcastic, being provoked. i cant seem to talk to you now without fearing offending you. i hate being two-face. i cant. i dont want to. you pressed the wrong button man. damn wrong button.

selamat hari raya :)

11/03/2005 11:59:00 AM 0 Comments »
i have half an hour before my next seminar. just finished my case study, bloody hell, this woman has dermatomyositis, erythema multiforme, autoimmune blisters and a few more conditions like lung cancer. talk about bad luck. i wonder if she is just a fiction, for us med student to cover a lot of stuff in one case study.

anyway,

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri
Maaf Zahir Batin

this year raya is a bit different. i mean in my perception of hari raya. a few years back, hari raya was just another day, i didnt feel much, even puasa was just a typical day, mostly i didnt even realise the end of ramadhan and the arrival of syawal. being abroad, syawal is just another day. i have my usual class, my usual case studies aka homeworks to finish, pegi balik sekolah mcm biasa. even last night ie malam raya i didnt do anything. i thought of cooking, but yesterday was a full long day and i was very tired so i decided to spend my time on stuff that i enjoy. i showered, laid on my bed and watched star wars. that's how i treat myself.

then got this one guy asking me 'hei malam raya, buat la ape2, malam raya wei'. what do you expect me to do? anyam ketupat? pegie join keluarga sape2 ntah tuk dgr takbir raya? i was annoyed. fine, i do miss my family, this is the 6th syawal i'm abroad, and alone, so let me spend my time on the stuff that i know best for me. but this year is indeed different compared to previous years. i'm no longer homesick. i just miss my family. there is a big difference between those two. homesick is more like you are in denial, you desperately need to be with someone at a different location. it affects you more psychologically. while if you miss someone, you miss their presence and the way they make you feel. i miss my family, mama, abah, jiman, iwan and kak lysa, and their all purple theme this year. but i'm no longer homesick. it took me 9 years to overcome homesickness, and i'm finally there, on this year's syawal :)