My World

this is something that i wrote sometime ago. i read and re-read it for time to time and each time, without fail, it makes me falling in love all over again to the same guy.

for the guy who owns my heart.

"It was late summer 2002. I had to return to the United Kingdom earlier than expected for I had to retake my exams. Never failed a single paper before, I was stressed and lonely, but most of my friends were still enjoying their summer holiday. Somehow I knew of someone who stayed over the summer. He and I had such a difficult and long history together. He was my ex, and I was the one who dumped him a year before, not before telling him that he was ugly and I was too embarrassed to be seen with him.

However I still needed a place to go after the exams. It was like a ritual for me to go somewhere, anywhere on the evening of the last paper. We had not contacted each other for some time. I apologised soon after we broke up, he accepted it, and we contacted each other about once a month. But now I was too tired and stressed to think about the past. I made up my mind, called him and told him I needed a place to go to take my mind off the exams. He accepted my request. As planned, I went to his place, a city called Coventry, on the evening of my last paper. We did not talk much and we tried to keep it as formal and superficial as possible. We spent the next day walking around his campus and again, we did not talk much. He was a quiet guy after all, and my mind was still occupied with the exams. The next day, he suggested a place for us to visit, it was in the Midlands, where Shakespeare used to live he said, and I agreed.

He said it would take us about an hour by bus to reach that place. I left it to him to find the bus and map, since it was his place anyway. So the next morning, we jumped on a double-decker bus, paid for the fares and the bus took off. Ten minutes later, he realised we got on the wrong bus that took a longer route but with the same destination. The driver later said that the journey would take about 3 hours. There was nothing we could do but to stay on the bus.

So we sat there on the front-most sits on the top of a double-decker bus. The bus went to several small villages, with various small cottages that looked so cute and cosy. It was a lovely late summer day, with all the leaves coloured greenish gold. The various colourful moors were breathtakingly beautiful. I was lost with the view, and he seemed to enjoy it as well. I looked at him then looked straight back again. ‘There sat a nice guy next to me’, I thought.

We arrived at Stanford upon Avon on early afternoon. The view was overwhelming. There was a lake which separated the famous Shakespeare’s Playhouse and the town. We sat by the lake and realised there were some pink swans swimming gracefully across the lake. We bought some food and shared them between us. We did not talk much and spent our time enjoying the view. We then went to the playhouse and walked around town.

We decided to go back a few hours later and took the right bus this time. The journey back was uneventful but I could not stop thinking about the nice guy. He used to be mine but I let him slipped away. I was cruel to him. The truth was that I found it hard to give my heart away and I was not ready for a relationship at all. Being such a kind-hearted guy, he did not deserve a girl like me.

The next day I went back to Newcastle. A month later he called and said he wanted to come to my place. We met and he, for the second time, opened up him heart again to the girl who broke his heart before. I went silent as I was not certain about my feelings. I knew that I really did not want to hurt him again. I closed my eyes and realised he was being honest and took a great risk of being hurt again, by the same girl. We had a long talk and decided to let time decide. He then went back to Coventry again.

I then carried on with my life but I could not forget our late summer trip. I could not stop thinking about him either. A week later I made up my mind and called him. He felt the same. Both of us agreed to take our relationship further, but this time, to do it slower but steadier. We visited each other at least once a month and became really close friends.

He was there when I was ill. He was there to cuddle me when I was lonely. He was there to hold my hand when I was down. He was there to weep my tears. He was there to listen whenever I need someone to talk to. He was there with red roses waiting for my arrival at the train station. How could I not fall in love with this guy?

When he put a ring onto my left wedding finger last year, he made me the happiest girl.

For the first time, I felt safe and protected. He touched my heart like no other. Just thinking of him makes me smile from the bottom of my heart. I love to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to take good care of him, until he is old and wrinkled. May our fate together last as long as we live."

now just let me gaze at the sky and daydream about the guy who stole my heart and owns it til now...

it's raining cats and dogs for the last 3 days. sejuk brrrrr...

been moody for the whole week. mainly it was due to packed and tiring schedule over the last 2 weekends. if 2 weekends ago was spent celebrating our first anniversary at tasik belum, last weekend i drove all the way to cherating beach (that's 330km to be exact from my place, and that's just one-way!) and to come back again the next day! so so so tiring, and yup i did all the driving stuff. so when i started this week, my whole body was aching bad time. i was counting every second for the weekend, and now it has arrived! hehe happy weekend to me :D

nothing much happen, just typical busy days. love the new posting so far in spite of the fullness of the timetable. one thing i like the most about this posting is that most, if not all, of the lecturers are all good and kind lecturers. they are keen to teach, and most of them are very funny! what a delightful change. i just hope other lecturers in other postings can take examples from these very nice people.

finals are just a few months away. 21 weeks away to be exact! seems like ages away, but when you have lots and lots to cover, the best way is to start opening the old notes starting now. the other members in my group have started to talk about study groups and who covers this and that, it shivers me. but i know they are right, and there's nowhere to run but to face the inevitable path. but the main question that has been playing in my head is that should i join a study group as well? i've always been a solo revisioner (does this word exists haha), but it's the finals we are talking about so i'm willing to consider almost everything to pass my way through. i have never properly involved in a study group before, most of the time i quit not even half way through mainly because i didnt feel comfortable doing it, discussing and explaining and listening, to do it in a group, no matter how big or small the group is. i do have a problem being in a group, the bigger the worse, i just dont find it easy to talk and explain and discuss in a group.

besides that, even if i decide to join a study group, which study group should i join? i think that is a wrong question haha, the right one should be; which study group would want me to join them? haha funny you think, but that's SO a true question. i entered my current batch last year, when everyone else already been in the course for years and thus know each other quite well. as a result they already found friends and become rather close with each other. so when i came last year, joining the batch more than half-way through the course, i felt left out. the only people i know is my groupmates and maybe some students in my batch that i can only finger-count, and my roomate and ex-roomates and some of their friends. anyway i'm not complaining nor blaming anyone, the only person to blame is myself and my anti-socialness haha. but i guess that is me, i'm always comfortable to be a soloist, so the limited number of acquintances and friends are really not an issue here. but back to the big question, do i need to join a study group?

you know what, i think i'll assemble a revision schedule this weekend and see how it goes. what matters is that i should start my revision now and set my priorities right. i really want to make it through this time, no one wants it more than i do huh. i want to get through, so that i can start working and earning and doing my part to the society. i want to get through so that i can start living with my dearest hubby and build our dream home together. i want to get through so that i can have my little ones and start a family. i want to get through so that i can always be by my mother's side and take care of her. i want to get through, i need to get through. may Allah blesses me and my path, amin

in an attempt to boost my mood, i'll post out some pics

this is what i did last weekend


the weather was great


puncak titiwangsa. not as chilly as i thought it would be


this is us!

i hate my template

i guess green doesnt really suit me

i'll stay in black until this cloud leaves my head

what an odd week

we barely have classes this week. class to start at 11am and finish at 2pm and free for the rest of the day? then to start the next day on 11am again?

what an odd, odd week

i aint complaining, but i hate unproductive days. even yesterday the class finished quite early. am i in the final year or what?

as you can guess, my mood is not actually at its best.

someone asked some really stupid and idiotic questions today. really hate it when someone asks question with so bloody damn obvious answer.

'oh is that lisptick on the mannequin?'

'why do you wear lipstick?'

because i feel like i want to, you asshole

such a stupid, stupid question

if you dont know what else to say or ask, just shut the fuck up

what do you expect me to answer? 'oh this morning i 'accidently' put some lipstick on' or 'oh ade lipstick ke, oh tak perasan la'. what the fuck? what kind of question is that?

i wont let people change me for who i am

i am what i am, and unless i ask for your opinion, just shut the fuck up

this person has pisses me off for quite some time, and this is not the first time such stupid questions being asked to me

bullshit

i promise you if this stupid person who keeps on asking stupid questions to me ask me some more stupid, stupid questions, i'll slap it hard on the face

example of someone who has mouth wayy bigger than their head

i hate it la when people starts to ask question about me and my life and my decision and my choices, when they in fact is nothing significant whatsoever to me

i just like to be myself

take it or leave it

what you see is what you get

i dont ask stupid question to you, you dont ask stupid question to me, got it?

now i need to do something to clear off my mind

went back to kl last weekend. it wasnt planned tho, i initially thought of staying at the uni as for the next week i'll be having some papers. but it was going to be a long weekend! with free days on friday, saturday and sunday, and when i found out that thursday was free as well, i know i had to come home. so there i go: driving to kl on wednesday afternoon at 4 sharp, and reached kl at almost 11pm!

let me tell you about my first experience driving at nite. it was not a typical night driving, definitely not like night driving at kl where lights and neons are everywhere you feel like daylight anyway. this was almost 4 hours driving on mainly kampung route, in the middle of hutan somewhere. good thing about it was that there was more or less no car or any vehicle at all, to my surprise. so ape lagi, pecut la all the way haha. me lurve high beam hehe. bad news was that the route was, like i mention before, in the middle of the jungle somewhere. TAKUT! dono what made me decided to drive at such a late time instead of on the next day thursday morning (well i do know the reasons haha 1)takmo bosan katak on that wednesday night as my roomate went home on wednesday morning 2)bengang kat hubby who refused to let me ponteng that 1-hour class on wednesday afternoon, so typical me bile dah bengang, want to do something to show to hubby that i'm capable of doing something adventurous 3)miss hubby terribly! haha i think the number 3 gave me the most motivation to drive all 7 hours!)

so, where are we? right. night driving. the maghrib time was the most challenging (and scary!) time of all. imagine yourself driving alone (well, in my case, i brought along kenchi and kaoru, my kura2 along at the back seat as i could not find anyone to babysit(!) :p them over the weekend), with no car at all on the road, at the middle of hutan somewhere, with no phone or radio reception at all, and not even a single house on sight.. what will you do? what i did was... i switched off the cd, put the high beam on, drive as fast as i could, and cite (more like shout) all the surah2 that i know of. i did this for about 1 hour, until i almost lost my voice, until i reached the next small town. scary i tell you. will i do it again? NO i dont think so. but i admit it was such an experience hehe me like adventure =D

another driving milestones for me =DD

so i reached kl at about 11pm and went straight to hubby's warm arms (heheh). sometimes it's hard to believe about the things that hubby let me do by myself (including driving alone at the middle of the night, at the middle of the jungle), but i know he knows me the best. he understands me. he knows i'm a careful driver (hehe) and that my motivation to drive home is strong. he knows that if he didnt let me drive that night, i will be, in nicer word, 'unsatisfied' ie tak puas hati, and i wont have a good rest and sleep that night, and that i will leave my hostel the next very early morning, maybe at 3 in the morning or something. so lack of sleep + tired + bengang + tak puas hati + too early morning driving = nahas. so i guess hubby does know me the best =p

ok, the next day, after tido tak ingat dunia that wednesday night, i went to subang to my bro's, jiman, house. hubby of course had to go work. i'm now much more confident on driving at kl. no more switch off the radio heheh. damansara to subang only takes about 20 minutes of driving. and guess who greeted me at subang? my maisarah of course! this dearest niece of mine was smiling ear-to-ear and literally ran towards me and hugged me tightly when i arrived at the door. i heart you maisarah!

thursday was spent with jiman's family and mama. drove mama to ampang to see our house reconstruction. it's gonna be a huge house when it's finished, a big 5-bedroom house. mama is going to live there when it's finished at the end of december, and my siblings and i promised to take turns to live and take care of her there, hence the 4 + 1 bedroom (total siblings i have are 4 including myself). anyway, the house construction is going very well and all of us are excited to see the final result.

after that mama & i went to our usual spot, klcc. jalan2 cuci mata. thanks mama for the levi's jean! it was totally unexpected. i gained (a lot) of weight recently and i couldnt even fit any of my jeans. muat tu muat, but like pisang nangka huhu. for the last few months i've been trying to find in vain a nice, suitable jeans that can actually fit my (big, fat) butt but with no success at all. last month i bought a pair of jeans from dorothy perkins at oneutama, it's not the most ideal, but i used to wear dorothy perkins' jeans and tops quite a lot in the past while i was at the uk (it's a uk brand) and i know their jeans are wearable for my body (mostly, for my butt). but to find a pair of jeans that's actually fits and compliments my bottom half (meaning: it doesnt make it look bigger that it actually does), it's quite a task. i think i manage to find one it every 2-3 years, maybe? and now that i'm bigger (and fatter huhu), with my body fat tends to accummulate more at the butt and the thigh areas (huhu), i can say it is quite impossible to find a pair of jeans that actually fits. so last thursday was like a miracle. first, to finally, finally found a pair of jeans that fits super NICELY on me, second, to have someone else to pay it for me. MIRACLE, i tell you =DD

anyway, super thanks to mama for making me super happy that day. later on that day both of us went for lunch there at klcc, then i drove her back to subang, and me back to damansara to be with hubby.

on friday, mama, iwan (my youngest bro who returned home from utp the night before), hubby and i went again to our ampang's house for the construction manager wanted to see mama to update with the house's progress. later on, after sending hubby to work, i had lunch with mama and iwan at ampang point. then iwan went to lowyatt for some computer thingy, and i drove mama back to subang. later that afternoon i arranged for a meet up with one of my oldest, bestest friend ever, ellina. miss her so much! we met up at AU2 jaya jusco keramat and had dinner at some korean's restaurant. the bbq chicken salad was tasty. most of all, i was truly happy and glad to be able to meet up with her, borak sane borak sini. reminds me of some good ol' memories hmm. it's good to see her happy with her life and work. her suzuki swift was cool too :p

on saturday, i managed to pujuk hubby to not go to work :p. we just lepak2, baring2 depan tv, just enjoying each other's company =D. oh yeah, earlier that day, we went to petaling jaya for my other good old friend from newcastle, oja, for her raya open house. best soto die, dah lame tak makan soto. paling best her apple crumble! malam tu i told hubby i craved for apple crumble but he wasnt sure where to get some, so he belanja me cendol instead. takpe la, it's the thought that counts. anyway, so this weekend i didnt only met 1 old friend, but 2 of them! not only they are my old friends, they're good, good friends. i dont have that many good friends, yes i do have many friends, but to own such a good, good friend who knows and understands you, that's rare. so overall it was such a great weekend to sum up.

oklah, better log off now. i cant wait for this posting to end, no dont get me wrong, i do enjoy this posting and i know i'm going to be sad when it ends, but it's this weekend that i'm eagerly waiting for. it's our 1st anniversary! marriage anniversary, not relationship anniversary. i totally forgot on the exact date when we first got together, but we've been together since 2001, so this year is our 8th year together! but that doesnt count, with all the break-ups and make-ups hehe i promise to make a separate blog post for that one. see ya this friday, hubby! :)