mother's sacrifice

2/27/2006 06:35:00 PM 0 Comments »
i am so tired right now.

today started early. i couldnt sleep last night; i only managed to close my eyes at half 2 and woke up at 7 am when the mobile phone's alarm rang. didnt have time to eat or drink, i rushed to the rvi's delivery suite. and i had to wait for 4 hours to see a delivering mum. it was a difficult one. it was her 1st pregnancy and she was transfered from hexham this morning at half 6. the CTG wasnt good; the baseline was over 180 constantly. so the good old rvi stuff followed the NICE guidelines and attempted to check on the baby's blood for pH and bases. it was my first time seeing how a fetal blood sampling been taken. the doc put a strange looking speculum into the women's vagina and scratched the baby's head a bit and took some blood using 3 long, narrow tubes and me and the midwive had to run to the machine room to get it processed asap. it turned out that the baby's blood pH and bases were normal, so according to the NICE guidelines, we need to wait some more and no emergency caesarean, well, not yet. hence the waiting. the fetal blood sampling was taken 3 times, once every hour. thankfully, after the second sampling, the cervix began to dilate. but then the baby's position wasnt right; it was cephalic ie head down, but the baby was facing upwards. the baby supposed to face the mum's bum and has its back to mum's tummy. so the doc hoped the baby will turn to it's supposed position soon. hence more waiting. it was 2 pm and i hadnt eaten a single thing since i woke up this morning.

45 minutes later and thankfully the baby did turn. the mum pushed several times, but the baby was adamant and refused to move. so the spR was called and the ventouse or vacuum machine was pulled into the room. it was a weird looking thing. it was a.. vacuum. used to suck baby's head. it didnt look pleasant at all. the spR needed to work fast, as the baby blood sampling taken earlier (which was normal) was only valid for 1 hour. after that, they need to take another sampling and do another reading as the previous one will not be valid any more. the spR is a small indian guy, and he used all his might to pull the baby's head using the vacuum, but it was unsuccessful. so he used another device, one that i've heard so much about, the forceps. they look like a big pair of huge, unsharp, loops scissors. it wasnt the nicest device of all. so the spR put the forceps, one on each side of the baby's head, cutting some of the mum's perineal at the same time.

after several difficult pushings, the baby's head was out. but the umbilical cord was around the the baby's neck. the spR quickly cut the cord and carefully delivered the rest of the body. the baby's head was red sore. there were some markings too on the baby's face. but the baby was fine. he cried as soon as he came to this world. the dad was crying too. me? i was numb. shocked. shaken. hypoglycaemic. pale.

i was born with a ventouse and forceps as well. exactly like the baby today. his mum was a bit lucky, as she only required an episiotomy ie no tear. but i still hate the stitching. for me it's the worst part. as for the women who delivered me more than 25 years ago, she had a third degree tear. as if that was not enough, i was a difficult baby. i cried a lot, and got really sick several times.

as much as i want to have and hold my own child, i dont think i can have it. not now. not in the next few weeks. i thought caesarean is better, but after i watched 3 caesarean last week, well, there is no such thing as a pleasure surgery. a surgery IS a surgery, where someone cuts open your lower stomach, near the bikini line, tears it open with force using both hand. not cut, but tear ie robek, cos that way the muscles heal better. and then 5 layers of stitching. that is horrible as well. all i can is:

mother's love is eternal.

i miss mama. i'll call her tomoro.

fridays..

2/24/2006 09:36:00 AM 0 Comments »
fridays..fridays..who doesnt love fridays?

it's friday morning. am waiting for the patients notes to be available for my audit. crap. i have hoped to get this audit over with, well, at least for this week. but then someone took it to get it coding, and they will only be available after lunch. crap. thought i could catch ellina after her presentation to lunch at the new chinese restaurant at the gate. guess now i'm gonna stuck here at rvi til at least after 3.

went to see my previous supervisor this morning at gateshead to discuss on the audit presentation. it will be on 10th march, ie exactly 2 weeks from now. gosh. i thought i was ok with it, having had some practice earlier this week, then when i saw the supervisor again this morning, gosh, this is happening for real! i know i have to prepare myself mentally than anything else. and i think it would be a good practice for the real oral presentation at the end of march, in which i will be marked. i'm worried on having to present to an unknown audience. and i'm worried most on the question-answer session. things that you cant practise on, and it's unpredictable. fine. i have to really know the topic i'm presenting on, and since i did this audit myself, i think, and hope, it will be fine.

my presentation will be the last one. of the day. dont know how to react to that. pro: everyone will be tired by then, so they wouldnt ask too many question. con: i hate waiting. damn hate that. just want to get it over with.

nad is coming over this weekend. nice. plus ct is back. good. my plan? maybe i'll cook, but it depends on my mood. plus i'm not craving on any food at the moment.

havent decided whether i want to go to barcelona this easter with ellina. it will surely be fun, but i have to consider other circumstances as well. situation at home is a bit unpredictable at the moment, and i have to prepare myself for the worst. it's exhausting to manage the unpredictable.

fine. what should i do know? my current supervisor is on holiday this week, so i'm not that occupied. got more than a couple of hours before the patients notes are readied. dont feel like i want to go to town. fine. i'll sit here until i made up my mind.

a mix of news

2/18/2006 10:42:00 AM 0 Comments »
finally i have some time to do this blog.

someone sent me some roses on valentine's day. hihi thanks sayang :D they are very lovely



there were a mix of good and bad news last week. and it was the busiest week ever!

met my new consultant. he is...nasty. he scolded me like there's no tomoro on my first day. he was angry cause i didnt come and see him a week before to discuss about the audit. audit? huh? the med school only requires us to do one audit + poster for our 1st option. the 2nd option, ie the thing that started last week, we only have to do an oral presentation, on ANY topic that we, the student, choose. but the new super-nasty consultant wants me, more like commands me, to do another audit. audit ni..renyah aa. fine. then this super nasty consultant has the tendency to ask me questions in public. like the daily ward meeting, he'll ask, 'ok, elly, our med student, what to you think about this and that, bla bla bla' like in the middle of the meeting. fine. super fine. he's one super nasty consultant, i tell you, and i dont like him. and i have to spend 6 weeks with him. 1 finished, another 5 bloody weeks to go. i hate you mr super nasty obstetric consultant.

fine. super fine.

well, at least i have a dozen of roses on my desk now to soothe my anger :)

and another good news that keeps me restless at night, and grinning ear-to-ear at the same time.

my first audit got selected for a presentation at the regional British Geriatric Society meeting!

i am so happy. not everyday a medical student can attend a regional meeting. and to present my audit on that meeting? bloody hell. super bloody hell. this is good news, and scary news as well. regional meeting? i almost peed on my pants when i had to present in front of half of my batch last year, and that was a group presentation. and my part took less than 2 minutes. and now i have to present, alone, like, for 10 minutes, in front of unknown audience, consultants and registrars etc. this is super scary stuff man.

but it is a good news indeed. my cv will be good. and i made my previous consultant proud. he is such a good and caring consultant, and i am happy to make him proud. he even promised to help me with my presentation. nice guy he is.

so now i have to do some powerpoint presentation. did that. still need to prepare myself mentally tho. i also need to finish my poster presentation. also did that. and a second audit as well. already did the data sheet, and now i need to collect some audit data for 4 weeks, as well as attend as many baby deliveries and caesarean sections. also need to read some statistic books and journals for the audit processing. and an oral presentation at the end of this option. and to arrange for my elective this summer, first month in kuantan, then another month in usm kubang kerian. got to find the flight ticket soon. and still working 6 hours a week. and yeah, brainstorm some ideas for my bro's wedding this summer. i am in charge with hantarans and decorations.

pening? me too. my dad used to say, 'take one step at a time'. and i'll do that.

this is when the organiser plays its wonder.

first of all, the presentation for the regional meeting. i need to prepare myself, mentally than anything else. i hope to do it well. wish me luck, huh?

oklah, ellina wants to take some walk at the park and take some pics for her latest project. i'll go with her then. have a good weekend :)

first entry of the week

2/14/2006 08:34:00 AM 0 Comments »
here i am, sitting in front of the computer in meds school, on my first day of my 2nd option. there was some confusion with the first appointment apparently, it turned out that it wasnt his secretary whom i talked to yesterday, so no wonder no one could find the consultant today. i managed to talk to his actual secretary this morning and another appointment has been arranged, but i'm not sure when tho.

fine, today is a mess. i dont like being in a mess. i know i should have contacted him earlier, but how should i know, since my first option's consultant sent me a detailed appointment, so i thought that would always be the case. it turned out that i have to contact and arrange to see the consultant myself. fine.

azali was online a minute ago. i know it was almost the end of his work shift, but that was not an excuse to be rude and kurang ajar. iye, you were kurang ajar. hurtful words you used. then he'll later say 'sorry...'. whatever. how many times do i have to tell you i dont like to be talked to rudely. it's not that i want you to talk softie2, just talk like normal and dont use offensive words. i was not brought up with rude words. none of my friends talk to me like that. and to think that you are my fiance, and that i will soon hopefully spend the rest of my life with you, makes it even important. whatever. i am hurt. like you care.

these past few days had been a bit of a roller coster. i was very happy on friday, being it the last day of the week, and the final day of my option in geriatrics, and nadine was coming over that night, and i made nasi lemak for everyone. on saturday, nad, ellina and i went to town tuk jln2 and did a bit of shopping. then on sunday it went downhill, with some more bad news from home, again. yesterday was a waste, with useless elective talks at meds school. and more more bad news from home. and this morning as well. coupled with azali's manners..

i couldnt sleep well lately. no surprise there. may god help me pull myself together, like i always do.

audit, electives and food

2/07/2006 02:24:00 PM 0 Comments »
hello hello

did something yesterday that i've never done before. i wrote my audit until 6 in the morning, went to shower after that, and slept at half 6 and woke up at 1. phew. i know i know, it was nothing unusual, but as i said, i never did something like this before. i tend to sleep early and wake up early. and a full shower at 6 in the morning? so as predicted i got a dull ache at the back of my head now ~adoi.. anyway i'm satisfied with the progress of the audit. my supervisor was so pleased with my first draft he suggests to get it publish. altho that is not my plan initially, all i want is to get a 'satisfactory' but all good news are welcome :D

i wonder how will next week be? me, in the delivery suite? hmm.. not a fan of babies particularly..

i made mee rebus yesterday yum yum. but then azali mentioned about nasi lemak this morning and that makes me want to make some. guess i have to wait til the mee rebus finish huh

cant wait to go to electives aka home this summer. havent done the preparation tho. i'm still wondering the reason i choose usm hosp kubang kerian. no, it's not near to azali's place haha. i think i like the idea of spending sometime at a local uni. i think i want to experience the life of a local uni student. think i should make the arrangement, like, really soon.

better start writing the abstract soon. nah.. my stomach needs some fuel. maybe if i finish the mee rebus now, i can make nasi lemak for dinner. yippee!

tired and bored

2/03/2006 11:08:00 PM 0 Comments »
not in a mood to blog lately.

life has been okay.

havent finished my book yet. it's not as interesting as i initially thought it would be. maybe it's time to start the second book hihi.

next week will be my last week of geriatric. i will definitely going to miss those old folks. it's babies time after next week. how did i managed to persuade myself into that one? i choose geriatric because i want to. i choose obstetrics because i need to (got it? i choose obstetrics because of the knowledge and training are top essential, for the exams that is). but something for sure, geriatric is definitely ultimately on my top list now. i like the way they manage the patients. it's not as straight as treating chest infection with antibiotics or hypertension with calcium channel blocker, of course they do that but much more. they see the patient as a person, ask how they cope at home, how are they eating, the family and friends and support. it shows that they really care, not just as a patient who came to the hosp to get some treatment, got discharge home and that's it. they have follow ups and home visits. it shows that doctors do care and really want them well. and i like the idea that geriatric is not a 'fixer', ie like what surgeons do. i dont like the idea when people think of doctors as someone superior, ie a 'fixer', someone who is supposedly able to fix other people. and of course i like those lovely old people :)

audit is good. supervisor seemed pleased with my first draft. but it made the other girl's face sour. she hasnt done a thing. see, you are more readily and willingly to do more work in the things that you enjoy. du-uh.

i've been doing lots (and lots) of shopping lately. damn you sale!

i need a fringe. no, i want a fringe.

life can be quite dull sometimes. and it doesnt help when you are in an 'unsocial' mode.

think i'll get ready to bed. i know i know it's only 10, and on a friday night, but i had a full day. 8 to 7. well, had only half day in the hospital, went to work after that. did some overtime. plus i only had 5 hour sleep the night before. so i am tired.

tired and bored

2/03/2006 10:00:00 PM 0 Comments »
not in a mood to blog lately.

life has been okay.

havent finished my book yet. it's not as interesting as i initially thought it would be. maybe it's time to start the second book hihi.

next week will be my last week of geriatric. i will definitely going to miss those old folks. it's babies time after next week. how did i managed to persuade myself into that one? i choose geriatric because i want to. i choose obstetrics because i need to (got it? i choose obstetrics because of the knowledge and training are top essential, for the exams that is). but something for sure, geriatric is definitely ultimately on my top list now. i like the way they manage the patients. it's not as straight as treating chest infection with antibiotics or hypertension with calcium channel blocker, of course they do that but much more. they see the patient as a person, ask how they cope at home, how are they eating, the family and friends and support. it shows that they really care, not just as a patient who came to the hosp to get some treatment, got discharge home and that's it. they have follow ups and home visits. it shows that doctors do care and really want them well. and i like the idea that geriatric is not a 'fixer', ie like what surgeons do. i dont like the idea when people think of doctors as someone superior, ie a 'fixer', someone who supposedly able to fix other people. i like the word 'manage'. and of course i like those lovely old people :)

audit is good. supervisor seemed pleased with my first draft. but it made the other girl's face sour. she hasnt done a thing. see, you are more readily and willingly to do more work in the things that you enjoy. du-uh.

i've been doing lots (and lots) of shopping lately. damn you sale!

i need a fringe. no, i want a fringe.

life can be quite dull sometimes.
and it doesnt help when you are in an 'unsocial' mode.

think i'll get ready to bed. i know i know it's only 11, and on a friday night, but i had a full day. 8 to 7. well, had only half day in the hospital, went to work after that. did some overtime. plus i only had 5 hour sleep the night before. so i am tired.