My World

helo..selamat pagi.. it's half 1 in the morning and i cant sleep. camne nak tido, dah tido ptg tadi sampai almost 2 hours.. alamatnye skrg tak leh tido la..

anyway, my christmas hols has officially started. had my last day of the term, in this year, yesterday. i managed to finish and hand-in my ethics essay yesterday as well. hope i pass. hope everything will go as planned, amin.

am going to barcelona tomoro. excited? i know i should, but awkwardly, i didnt feel anything. not sure why though. whenever i go for a trip in the past, i would always be super anxious, super excited, but this time, dunno, dont feel a thing. hmm let me think.. oh yeah.. all my trips in the past had involved me going back home, ie going back to malaysia, and of course i would be super happy and super eager to jump to a 12-hour flight to see my beloveds back home. and i just realised that i havent had any personal 'recreational' trip for quite some time. last time i went abroad other that to malaysia was to paris, and that was ages, AGES, ago. of course i go to glasgow every now and then to visit oja (in fact i'm going there again on the 27th of dec) but that doesnt involve a flight, to a new undiscovered country, like barcelona. so at the moment i'm not sure what i feel. should i feel excited? i think i should but there is still something missing. i have started packing, but that doesnt involve much, i am going for 4 days only, and i'm not bringing any extra presents or anything in my luggage, so packing this time only took 10 minutes. where else in the past i would pack as early as 3 to 4 months earlier whenever i go back to malaysia. hmm i have another 30 hours before my trip, hopefully my adrenaline has kicked in at that time..

picture time!

happy sunday everybody..

i once said that i hate sundays as it means the (long) weekdays are coming, but today is exceptional. i've had a long weekend, started on friday, and the best of all, i managed to do lots of work! i managed to finish my oh-so-horrible-but-i-dont-care-as-long-as-i-finished-it-ha-ha ethics essay, so that's good. and i managed to clean and clear my room. you cant believe how many things i have accumulated for the 6+ years i'm here, so it's that time of the year again when i need to clear my room or else i wouldnt have any space to do work. so i bought a few storage boxes from argos (9 in total) and spent about 6 hours clearing my room on friday night. and now my room is clear! and organised. and i like that :)

another 1 more week to go before the christmas break. exactly today next week, i'll be in barcelona la la la. we are going there for 4 days and oh boy i cant wait. i vow not to spend on anything unnecessary this week so that i'll have that extra money to spend in barcelona. i hope i'm not going crazy on the sight of mng and zara stores there (they are from barcelona you see). and we are going to one of the factory outlets as well! ha ha senyum sampai telinga. some people might want to go there for its beautiful sight, tasty food and interesting culture and of course i want it too but shopping is one of my main reason too. and of course i want to go there to spend some good time with my housemates. 5 more weekdays to go!

some news from home. kak lysa is officially engaged. they said the ceremony went well. they said kak lysa was fair and beautiful in her new peach mini kurung. they said the food was good. they said they would email me some photos soon. it was all 'they said' and i'm a bit annoyed. for not being there. even azali was there. well everyone was there. and i'm 101% certain that i wont be able to attend her wedding if it's in May. fine. FINE. there's nothing that i or anyone can do. lets just leave it there.

lapar la plak. it's too cold to leave the house. nak masak takde bahan. shall we have food delivery tonight, ellina? pizza ada, kebab ada, nasi beriani pun ada hehe

helo.. i'm back in newcastle already. back for good. no more weekend travels, no more 2 separate rooms. i'm back in newcastle. in my beloved room, with my beloved housemates. dah seminggu lebih dah, i didnt have time to update this blog, more towards malas than anything else hehe.

anyway, i'm in robinson library now. bloody 4 hours doing ethics essays. kepala wa sudah bengong. i never like ethics. not an ethical person anyway. got this 2500 words essay to finish by next friday. waaaa! i dont normally mind writing essays, providing they are interesting, like topics concerning MRI ka, old people ka, but ethics? someone please help me... i spent the last few days trying to do it, but i think i'm going no where. hopeless. am starting to think my ethics case is too week, but it's too late to change now. got 9 days to finish it all together, and that includes the editing, which always took me ages, so i think i have to stick to my case. my brain already tepu now after 4 hours in the library, i can only leave in about an hour cos dah janji with ellina to go home together. my brain cannot take any more ethics at the moment, so what else to do? updating my blog la heheh..

just worth mentioning here that i really enjoyed my time in whitehaven, especially. that surprises me, in a good way. there were 12 of us, and we bonded quite well as a group. the hospital is small, but adequate, and the hostel is not bad either. if i were to apply for an HO job, i wouldnt mind applying there. which leads me to my next topic: i didnt apply. meaning that i'm going straight home next summer. happy? of course i'm happy. but i cant be super happy. still got my exams before that (shudders...). so why was i not applying? i'll tell you in my next entry, when i'm ready, cos right now i'm shitting my pants thinking of the finals..lets write something happy..

it's 11 days to go to barcelona! (it works!) weeee.. me going there soon :) but sadly, 2 of the gang cannot make it due to work commitment.. you let medicine eats you hah! but i'm still going with my most favouritest person in the world (you know who you are heh), hopefully she got her cuti tomoro. we will be there for 4 days, hopefully it's warmer there and have lots of sales! hehe i've been saving for a few months, both for barcelona and this year's boxing day sale, so hopefully i dont overspend in barcelona (yeah right..) so that i still have some spare cash for boxing day sale hehe.

a few good news and bad news from home. my sis-in-law is pregnant! everyone is so happy. my parents have been waiting for a grandchild for like, 5 years, i think, and now they're going to have it next mid july, hopefully. and the bad news is that week will also be my graduation week, so my parents couldnt come. which one would you prefer to be? in home waiting for the arrival of your first long-awaited cucu, or to fly 12 hours non-stop to attend the graduation of your daughter who has been stuck in her education for the last 7 years? i choose the former, to be honest. i wouldnt mind at all. i am indeed the black sheep of the family, and i'm not proud with that.

another good news from home is that my sister is getting engaged this saturday! I AM VERY HAPPY! and a little bit sad at the same time. i'm happy because she is my one and only sister and she has been a very good sister to me and i'm happy for her to found her happiness and someone to take care of her. and i'm sad cos i will not be there, as she has always be there for me.

i know not all people can understand it, but family has always been a sensitive issue to me. i HATE it when there are events at home which i cannot join, well i have been away for 7 years, and i miss lots and lots of things. from everyone's birthdays, and holidays, and moving to new house, and jiman's engagement, to iwan taking upsr, pmr and spm and receiving all the results without me being there, to mama's operation, and abah's super bloody stupid episodes, and now kak lysa's engagement? i'm almost at the end of my patience nowadays. i used to be sad, but now i am angry. for not being there. now all i can do is hoping for me to be able to attend my sister's wedding. it's one of my aim in life (yes, i do have many 'aims in life', nadine) is to be her bridesmaid, ie pengapit la. i have only one sister in this world and i want to be there on her happiest day.

enough already. you wouldnt understand.

what else to write? i'm in wansbeck hosp nowadays, which is about 40 minutes drive from newcastle. i'm getting a lift from friends living nearby, so that is good. another 1 week and a half before christmas hols. i got 3 weeks break, which i think is good. give me time to rest before hitting the accelerator again after new year. this last few days will be spent in finishing my ethics essay. this is good as i can be home more often thus i can call home (malaysia) more often (sory ct bill byk but i always pay my bill altho sometimes terlambat sket ye hihi). everyone's at home is busy preparing for kak lysa's engagement ceremony this saturday, so of course i would like to menyibuk! i wouldnt want to miss it. i call home, like, everyday, demanding to know the details of the preparation.

oklah, it's time to continue my essay again. i'll try to write more often, but sometimes i just dont feel like to write. good day everyone.

2 entries in a weekend? i must be in a good, very good mood then. nah. sunday would never make me in a good mood. am due to leave newcastle again this evening for whitehaven. it's 3 more weeks to go before i'm moving back to newcastle for good. 3 more weeks! damn i cant wait. i'm so not looking forward to the final rotation, and guess what, it's the least favourite rotation of mine...paediatrics. ba dibla.. it's a known fact that i hate children, and to spend the next 3 weeks with them, it's something that i most not looking forward to. waaa 3 more weeks to go!

but i'm still in an ok mood today. not too bad for a sunday-mood. i had made several calls back home, talked to my beloved for ages, and he was in a good mood, so that makes me a good mood as well. i talked to mama for some time too, so that's good. as always, sunday tele sucks, so i got nothing else to do. weather's outside is cloudy, moody and an absolute grey, so i aint going outside with that kind of weather. so i guess i'll be doing my blog today. finally i have some mood to write the things that i had done over the summer.

this is like a summary, more for the sake of my memory, i like to read it out again some time in the future especially when i'm sad and down.

i went back on the 9th of june, until 28th of august. that was 11 weeks or 12 weekends. i had 2 free weeks before that to wait for my 4th year result on the 7th, so i worked like hell on those 2 weeks and managed to bag quite an amount of money. it was sad to leave the place that i had worked for 2 years, they even threw me a mini farewell party, it was sad but i was happy; it showed their appreciation to my work. i got my final cheque on the 6th, my result on the 7th (wed) and the 8th was spent with all the nits and bits before leaving the UK. there were bills and rents to settle, i felt good to have saved enough money to pay the bills and rents for the 3 months i was in malaysia.

so on the 9th of june (fri) i left brighton grove at 4 in the morning to catch a flight to heathrow. then my flight to KLIA was at noon. i arrived at about 7-8 in the saturday morning and i had got myself a smiley monkey waiting for me at KLIA :D

so 1st weekend: arrived at KLIA. saturday at ampang with sayang and my family. got them lots and lots of presents. left ampang for kuantan with iwan. mama and abah had to stay in ampang for the latter had a meeting in KL for several weekdays. lucky i got iwan with me to stay in kuantan. started my elective placement in Poliklinik Masyarakat Jaya Jading, Kuantan that monday. was still on jetlag. went back to KL that friday.

2nd weekend: trip to singapore! with mama and kak lysa. mama shopped like hell there. puas hati sgt2. i bought kak lysa her first make-up for her birthday. she was very happy to have her bobby brown's foundation and compact powder. then mama pun angkut sekali haha. then i had to return to kuantan that sunday to continue my electives.

3rd weekend: kuching trip! with my sayang. i left kuantan for KL on thursday evening, and left KL for kuching on early friday. sayang was in a very good mood. didnt shop much but that didnt matter. we had such, such a good time. came back on monday, went straight back to kuantan to continue my electives. ayoo you can see i did lots and lots of travelling.

4th weekend: kelantan trip! i finished my electives in kuantan and continued my 2nd placement in HUSM kubang kerian. sayang was kindly enough to send me there. singgah sat at his family's house at machang for lunch before heading to kota bharu and HUSM. the uni hostel was full so they had me stayed at the nearby motel for several days. felt very lonely.

5th weekend: mt first free weekend. as if! i decided to experience kota bharu myself. left kubang kerian on friday afternoon for KB. i was very lucky to get a room in KB, cos apparently they are usually fully booked for weekends. jalan2 kota bharu. planned to go a bit further tapi tak berani plak, so stayed at the hotel until monday early morning, to continue my electives training in HUSM.

6th weekend: trip to machang. azali's family travelled to HUSM to pick me up. i planned to get the bus, but i didnt think they were convinced with me taking the public transport so they went to fetch me instead. it was my first time staying in their place, without azali with me. of course i was worried, but it went very well. they were very nice, especially his mother. went back to kubang kerian on sunday.

7th weekend: trip back to kuantan. finally i finished my electives. my parents and kak lysa drove to kelantan to get me. we stayed overnight in KB, and mama shopped again haha. singgah machang on our way back, and had lunch there. it was my family's first trip to azali family's house. azali's mum bekalkan me some durian and i liked that. arrived kuantan on sunday evening.

8th weekend: terengganu trip! it was abah's company annual family day. we stayed at the gorgeous awana kijal hotel and kak lysa and i got a luxurious executive suite all for ourselves! iwan and jiman couldnt join us, and they were very jealous when we told them about the hotel haha. i had my first mandi pantai for a long time. i also had a jawa massage at the hotel. good weekend!

9th weekend: started to get busy with jiman's wedding. kuantan-kl-kuantan-kl every 2 to 3 days. we live in kuantan, but most of the guests are in kl, plus mama couldnt get a good place in kuantan for the reception, plus jiman's then-fiancee lives in ampang too. it was the first wedding for our family, so there were lots of pressure and anxiety there. they finally decided to have it in dewan tabung haji a few months ago. i was busy travelling here and there to get the stuff i needed for the hantaran

10th weekend: still busy with the wedding. mama got panic attacks several times, while abah was as busy as ever with his work. which left me and kak lysa to sort out most of the things. jiman was a cool as a cucumber. seriously. i admire him so much. he's 24, has a stable job, got tons of savings, already bought a good car and house and is about to marry the love of his life. how he does it i dont know. nice lad

11th weekend: my birthday! azali and i had a very, very nice day. i had promised to spend the whole day with him, which i did, so he was in a very good mood. he asked me to dress nicely for dinner, which i did. i was very surprised for him to give such effort to dress very smartly himself for the occasion. i had the perfect birthday of all :)

12th weekend: this was it. my last weekend. jiman's nikah was on friday night (25th august), his wife's family reception was the next day (saturday), our dewan tabung haji's reception was on sunday, and my flight back to uk was on monday! such, such a tiring weekend. but it all went smooth and well. everybody liked the hantaran that i made hehe. lots and lots of guests turned up. i was soo tired that monday i couldnt remember who sent me to KLIA? i think it was my parents, cos azali had to host his family who came all from kelantan to attend my bro's wedding over the weekend.

i left KLIA on monday noon (28 august), registered at the uni on tuesday, went to carlisle on friday morning to start my rotation, stayed there for 6 weeks, then moved to whitehaven on the the 13th oct for another 6 weeks. now i cant wait for november 24th, where i can finally return to newcastle and have my usual and proper life here. i'm going to stay in newcastle after that, travel everyday to north tyneside hospital for 3 weeks, before the christmas hols which starts on the 16th of dec. and that is when everybody is looking forward to. we are off to barcelona on the 17th! me and my whole housemates! yup, i'll be going with my favouratest people in the whole world! barcelona! isnt life grand?

happy days... enough said

at my brother's wedding. got 1001 and more pics, but am too lazy to update my fotopages. can go to my sis in law's fotopages http://imelda.fotopages.com. she's cool, and she was surely looked pretty on her wedding day :)

pics above were taken at my family's reception at dewan tabung haji. my younger brother, yup he's 2 years younger but lots and lots more matured than me, got married on the 25th of August 2006, and our family's reception was on the 27th (sunday). it was a very, very busy day, lots and lots of people came, i had got myself some very special guests, ie azali's family. they came all over from kelantan tuu, and my family was honoured to have them, and it was of course my task to host them.

oh i miss those happy memories. i miss malaysia. i miss my family. i miss him very mostly..

ha ha ha kul 5am and why am i still awake? siapkan elective report ma.. wa wa wa it's my fault for procastinating ha ha ha

obviously one's mind ada sket tak betul at 5 o'clock in the morning..

la la la i got a new toy today la la la
best best best best best

i'm beginning to enjoy make-ups now la la la. hi hi hi i got a good sifu la la la you know who you are la la la

she introduced me to so many good things. most importantly she introduced me with dermalogica, and within a few months, no more blemishes and minimum pores! then she got me to know bobby brown, which has the perfect foundation! dia manusia paling best satu dunia tuk kuar shopping make-ups with! seriously.

my make-ups now:
foundation + concealer + lipstick = bobby brown
face powder = mac
eye-liner = rimmel
lipliner = lancome

and now i have those gorgeous benefit blusher + illuminator! best best

i got some other make-ups as well but these are my fav ones that i treasure most and i will bring them wherever i go.

ape lagi nak carik ha? hi hi hi

i dont wear mascara. dont like it as i tonyoh mata quite often gak la. i got a few eye-shadows, but i dont wear them that often. well, even the make-ups above pun tak pakai everyday, dont want to overdo myself when going to hosp. now pun make-up suka2 je, like mase weekends je or bile ade ape2 function.

ok time to bed!

it's that time again.

i think this template suits me better. i'm not feeling 100% nowadays, so black is THE colour. i wish to have more black but then no one would be able to read, or see, anything, so i choose the most black ready-made template out there. cant even bother to make one myself. like i know how to huh.

i hate sunday. it means that monday and the rest of the weeks are coming. it means that i have to leave newcastle. again.

moody. moody.

i'm going to start whinging now. do go away if you dont feel like it.

i've just spent the last 6 weeks in carlisle. and i've just moved to whitehaven this weekend. for another 6 weeks. i dont mind the places, but the distance sucks. damn sucks. here's something for you to have a clearer view:



100 miles. 160 km. no car. not even a license. AND someone actually wants to buy me a car but i cant. stupid no license. super sucks. AND someone actually wants to come to visit me but i cant. why? cos i'm in a somewhere hospital accommodation, very like a hostel with rooms in a long corridor with shared toilets and everything. cant-find-a-ruder-word-wirda-help-me sucks.

super tired body. 4 bloody hours.

and raya...

no i dont even want to start. you dont want me to start

helo there!

it's been a looonngg time since my last entry. i've been quite bz myself, doing my electives and a bit of travelling here and there. i'm at husm kubang kerian currently, and supposedly start obs & gynae today, but my supervisor is not here at the moment, so i got the day off. which is sucks. never would i complain on having a day off, but being here, there is nothing else to do. seriously. they gave me the guest room, meaning i got a huge room, en suite, all for myself, but there is no tv. which is super sucks. when they told me i got a room here, i thought i would live in the hostels, with all the students. that is one of the reason why i choose husm. to become a student again. not a guest. hempeh. i know i know i should be grateful to be given a comfortable place to live and sleep.

husm is actually quite good. i learnt a lot, altho it still takes me some time to understand the locals, but to have now to understand 60-70% of what they are talking about, i think that should be ok. there are also a few funny things that i've learnt as well. like when we try to test vocal resonance, in newcastle we tend to ask patient to say 'ninety nine' while we auscultate, but here in kelantan, we ask the patient to say 'nenek nenek'. which is soo funny. and then when we ask the patient to take their breath in and out through their mouth while we auscultate, here we say, 'nyawa pakcik, nyawa', which is sooo damn funny.

'one shall not laugh at the locals culture and behaviour'. hehe

ok, where should i start? i shall start at the beginning, and i'll try to write as simple as possible.

i started when i left newcastle airport for london. it was uneventful. it was at heathrow when things got really bad. i promised myself not to fly through this airport again. my baggage was overweight, and i had to leave a lot of things behind. which was very hard for me, as i love and value my stuff a lot. and the staff wasnt that helpful and considerate either. i'm not blaming them, it's a busy airport, and it was indeed my fault for having overweight baggages. fine. super fine. i dont want to think of the stuff that i had to leave behind.

klia. got to see my beloved. enough said. wait for my pics with all (really) wide smiles =D

we went to putrajaya after that. got a few pics. makan makan makan. then he sent me back to my family in ampang. only me and iwan went back to kuantan the next day. abah had some meetings in kl the next week, but i had to be in kuantan on monday to start my electives.

started my electives the very next monday. it was a fair one. the clinic is a small community clinic, and people from all over kuantan come to get some treatment. i've never been to government's clinics before, and it was an eye-opening experience to have attached myself there. most of the equipment are not enough, and the patients have to wait for a while the nurse cleans, steams and sterilises the equipment, just to get a wound cleaned. it took me a while to take history in full bm, i didnt realise how many english words i use everyday, simple words like 'so' and 'and'. high blood pressure and diabetes are the commonest chronic conditions, but the compliance is very poor. enough said. i managed to practise my venesection skill a few times and also cleaned some wounds and even performed a few ecgs (a really really old and traditional one).

1st weekend: singapore. it was a splendid one. i went there with kak lysa and mama, to take advantage of the great singapore sale. mama shopped like mad, kak lysa was the guide, as she was there last year and that she knew the place. me? haha bawak bontot je la hehe. all fares mama sponsor, from tickets, to hotels and food. hehehehe. plus some money-pocket lagi hehehe. student lagi maaa hehehe. i was quite surprised with singapore; i like it. whenever i go to foreign places, i tend to like it because it's different, but nothing compares to my hometown. i'm quite patriotic, you see. i love my homeland, a lot. but in singapore, it was the first town that i really like, and if the opportunity comes, i dont mind working there. in fact, i want to live there. the town is super clean, super organised, lots and lots and LOTS of shopping malls and the people i like, they mind their own business, respect each other, not busy-body like makcik2 kat malaysia yg suke benor jaga kain org. in kl, people do mind their own business, but up to the point of being selfish and arrogant, but in singapore, it's not. hmm now i feel guilty for comparing things between other people and places with my homeland. i know malaysia is not perfect, but i do love them, with all my heart.

2nd weekend: kuching. with azali. it's the company that i like. the town? 4 days in kuching? hmm... overall it was a good one, the reason for me to go for this trip is to spend some good quality time with azali, and we got that. what else could i ask for?

3rd weekend: trip to husm kubang kerian. azali drove me there. got the chance to visit my future-in-laws, well, that is one of the reason why i choose husm; that is to get to know azali's family better. azali visits my family every now and then, but i only see his parents 3 times: once mase merisik, then mase tunang, then 2 years ago when azali and i drove to machang. i know it's not my fault, i only come back to malaysia once or twice a year, and the most i spend in malaysia was 3 to 4 weeks and usually i got lots of other things to do and settle and no time for a trip up north to see his parents.

so here i am, about 1 hour journey by car to azali's parents in machang. i plan to visit his parents this weekend, where i plan to spend a night there. it would be my first trip without azali be with me. well, like mama said, pandai2 la bawak diri. hope everything goes well.

it's my 3rd week here, and my 2nd last week. i went to kl last weekend, to send iwan, my youngest bro to utp tronoh. i was also feeling a bit homesicky last week. home situation is fair, and with now iwan is away, things might get from fair to bad, but everyone is now tired and sick and just try to accept things as it is. whatever happens, happens.

ok, i know this entry will be a long one. my ol laptop is now under azali's surveilance, poor old laptop, this is its 6th year of service, mmg nampak uzur benar, i hope it can maintain for 1 more year until i finish my study.

it's 11 am now, on my day off, in a place with no MNG and no cinema and no astro (no tv!) and no mama's food, what should i do? visit muzium negeri kat kota bharu? if you say yes, then you only knew me yesterday haha. think i'll browse some more, go to the library that closes at 5 and i cant borrow any book (!!), stay there for a while, get my lunch and then... i'll figure out later. i rather miss newcastle. the company, my own sweet room, my BELOVED tv (oh tv i lap u..), the kitchen where i can make and bake anything, the exhibition park where i can jog (more like walk hehe) anytime. it's 6 more weeks in malaysia, and no, i dont want to leave my beloved homeland, but that doesnt prevent me for missing my 2nd home in newcastle.

hmm..wonder what ellina is doing now in indonesia? sudah panjat gunung ka? hope she's fine :)

damn it i over-ate myself. again. sigh. i feel damn bloated now huh

4 more days to go yippee!

off on a jet plane
dont know when i'll be back again

wrong. i'm be back on 28 of august ha ha.

understandably, i cant wait to go home. unfortunately there are a few worries that i have in mind. well i dont know. maybe it's just me, trying to complicate things. worrying over things that arent supposed to be worried about. but it's been bugging in my head since last night. poor azali had to listen to it all. told ya he has ears as thick as steel haha

i dont like to do favours for people that i dont like. i can be sincerely nice to those that i like, and as much as i try to control myself, those that i dont like often know that i dont like them. as easy as that. as much as i want to be nice, kind and fair, but i cant. it's more that i dont want to.

i'm anxious over some little things. anxious over coming to my last day at work this wednesday, where they will have a farewell party for me. anxious over getting my result on the same day, and faxing it to mara. anxious over leaving my room, i dont like people touching my stuff without me being there. anxious for the trip, but there's no surprise there. anxious if i ever loose my bag again. anxious over meeting azali at the airport, yup, he's picking me up, i'm anxious for the butterflies feeling that i know i will have whenever i meet him. anxious to see his familiar face that i so long to see. am also anxious over meeting someone at home. i think he's anxious as well, no i think he IS scared on seeing me that he avoids seeing me on the first day at all! i... tend to show my true emotion on my face. i... tend to voice up whenever i feel injustice over something. i admit i am anxious on meeting him. whatever it will be, i know i have to be strong, and mature, for the sake of my loved ones.

enough said. i know i put more questions than statements. part of me is dying to say it out loud, along with some good curses, but another part of me say i shouldnt do that, in respect for those that i care for and for the sake of avoiding arguments.

i wish i could skip all these anxious-ness and just close my eyes to open it again to see sayang's face...

am listening to search's fantasia bulan madu. such an old, old song. guess i got it from oja's or ellina's computer. i also have a list of malay oldies songs, like from alley cats, p ramlee and sudirman. my younger brother has the cd and so i put it into my laptop. love those old songs :D

am now listening to leann rimes' cant fight the moodlight. one of my other all time fav song. enough with songs already okey..

havent blogged for some time. same old reason. felt like my privacy got invaded, but am not blaming anyone. today i decided to blog out of boredom haha.

finished my final option last friday. meaning i finished my 4th year. and why am i still here, lingering around newcastle, instead of going to sweet, sweet home? i got to wait for the final overall result to come out next week. it is not that i have to, but i want to. 4th year you see, do not have exams, only assessments, like the audit/research thingy, poster, oral presentations and in-course assessments. i did all that, and so far so good, but one cannot be too sure, especially for someone who is kinda anxious that she tends to arrive at the airport 5 hours earlier than the intended flight, if you got what i mean haha. i just know i have to wait for the proper result to come out. in case anything happen kan. like they missed place my poster that it didnt reach the examiners, or that my e-portfolio got infected with some virus. hope not! well, i got about a week b4 the overall result to come out, and i can do some quality time with myself, plus can also earn some extra money by working extra-time on my part-time job. plus i'm going to leave my room for 3 months, so lots and lots of tidying up to do. i like to come back, after spending such a marvelous time at home (and i know i will), to a clean, untouched, freshly laundred bed sheet, with clean and vacuumed floor oh you know what i mean...

i think i need this time, for myself to relax, and to breath. the weeks ahead will be kinda full and bz. my flight is next weekend and i'm doing my elective straight after that, on that monday. then the next weekend i'll be going to singapore with mama, kak lysa and iwan. a week after than, i'm off to a weekend trip with azali. then a week after that, i'm going to usm kubang kerian for my second electives placement for the whole july. then august will be busy preparing for my bro's wedding, and b4 i know it, i'll be on the flight back to newcastle at the end of august, then off to carlisle on 1st of sept for 3 months for my final year. fuh, i so deserve this break!

as you might have guessed, i'm fully packed and ready to go haha. hmm actually i've packed, unpacked, then packed again, then unpacked, and finally packed again haha. and i think i'm going to have another round, or two, b4 going home next week. well, that's just me :p

nadine had safely delivered my orange zen micro to me. thanks nad! thanks mama! this cute lil thing is very beautiful indeed. sayang betul.. sampai bwk tido heheh. my old mp3 player is only 256kb, yup, only that, so i dont have that many songs in my laptop. i have to get more songs for this 5mb lil beauty. guess i have to kacau ellina's computer again ;)

and mama had bought me another present =) a square swatch gagagagaga cant wait to go home!

these past few days had been a lil bit of a roller coster. i mean in term of good news and bad news...

just submitted my resignation letter. haha tiru from internet haha! not that i dont have time to make it myself, but why do i want to susahkan diri sendiri and spend half an hour to make such a letter when you can get hundreds of samples on the internet? hihi. but i did choose wisely. i mean the words that i choose to copy. like i've always said, i like and enjoy my work and will definitely miss them lot. including the money lol. anyway, the news spread quite fast after i gave in the letter to the practice manager. even the docs (you see, i'm just a plain clerk who comes once a week) came to see and tell me how they are going to miss me. they asked me to find a replacement, and i'm not sure how. and they made me promise to find someone who is as good as me. hihihihi buleh nampak ini muka sengih sampai telinga

so, this time next month i'll be at home! la la la. i still feel as excited as like going home for the 1st time. i like arriving at the klia and see those very familiar faces. well now i first like to see just one smiley monkey face hihi. anyway, my point is that in about 4 weeks time, i'll be home!

another good news from home! iwan got a petronas scholarship to study at utp! and he got to do the course that he wants. which is good, and important. i'm so bloody happy for him. everyone is happy for him. feel like i want to fly home at this instance and hug him and say 'busyuk!!' (well, he's bongsu, mind you). i bet mama and abah couldnt be prouder. since he's bongsu, everyone is kinda worried that he may be spoilt and malas belajar. and he turns out ok. i think part of it has to do with him having such a garang and focused big brother, jiman. well, guess i have to start saving more to buy more presents!

and one last bad news. i had a session with the chinese acupuncturist and herbalist who is also a qualified doctor this afternoon. she checked me up as a demonstration and only took my pulse, looked at my tongue and pressed a few points on my ears and said something worrying about my health. if it was a spiritual healer or naturapathic healer or shiatsu practitioner who said that (mind you, i'm doing a full course of complementary and alternative medicine right now) then i would say, 'yeah, yeah, fine, whatever'. but like shanti said (another medical student as well as my housemate) chinese medicine and ayurveda are the 2 things in complementary medicine that are worth believing, with respect. now i'm kinda worried. she even advised me to consult my gp to get further testing. ok, if this women is a fraud and wants money, why would she advised me to see my own gp? and the lists of things that she said, it was true, in some way. and i do suffer the symptoms terribly. damn it. i'm worried. or am i just being a useless worrier?

it's been a while since i last wrote here. it's not that i have no time, it's just that i dont feel like writing on this blog. this blog has somehow.. lost its purpose. i dunno..i dont feel free anymore to write here. felt like someone, somewhere out there watches me everytime. yeah..what do you expect, it's a damn blog, ie web log, where it's accessible to all those who have internet connections. if i want to have a private log, then i should have written in a microsoft word and just save it in the computer. or i can just create a new blog and be totally anonymous. that's what i feel now; i dont feel anonymous anymore. feel like there are phantom readers out there who read my blog everyday, except that they are not phantom, but someone who i know and definitely knows me. well.. what do i expect, it's a blog anyway, where anyone, anywhere can read it. now the idea of having a new blog, totally anonymous blog seems very tempting..

anyway, you are a bit lucky today, dear blog, as i have a slightish mood to write here. maybe it's because there is nothing on the tele. tried to do a lil bit of work, but with only 3 more weeks to go, plus no assessment whatsoever, with one of the easiest (and relaxing!) option so far, honestly, i have no work to do. seriously. i'm doing complementary and alternative medicine now, all i have to do is to attend every session arranged and fill the e-portfolio and have it signed at the end of the option. the sessions consist of all sorts of relaxing therapies, like yoga, reflexology, herbal medicine, hypnotherapy, aromatherapy, acupucture etc, where all i have to do is to be there and listen. it's very relaxing haha. i deliberately choose this option because it's the last one before i'm off to do my electives. since my first 2 options were quite full and busy, i thought i deserved one last relaxing, not-so-busy option. and i got exactly that :D

so it's 3 more weeks to go. then 2 more weeks of totally, utterly free time before i'm going home. home sweet home la la la. everything is sorted. almost. i've bought the tickets and everything. there's still a few more things to do, like writing my resignation letter, preparing the mara letter, and waiting for the acceptance letter from usm for my electives. i'm going to spend the whole july in kubang kerian for my electives. honestly, i cant wait, it's one of my dream to experience being like a student in a local uni. i bet it's gonna be totally different. i bet local uni students are more hardworking and more skema. well, they dont have to worry about homesick and food, for instance. food are definitely cheaper there, with no worries about the content of all canned food. money is not that huge problems back home, eating out only costs you less than a fiver, where else here it's impossible to eat out even once a week. anyway, i'm still waiting for the acceptance letter from usm. hopefully everything goes as planned.

some other not-so-important stuff that happened in this past few weeks or so:

cant wait for nadine to come back from malaysia. he's gonna bring me my zen. my sis gave it to him today and nadine's coming over to newcastle in 2 weeks time. 2. more. weeks. to. go. cant. wait!!

miss azali ever-so-terribly (no surprise there!). i know we're longed to spend some good quality time together, just the two of us, away from everyone else, so i booked a trip for us. it's somewhere not so close, not so near, and i hope we do get to spend some good time together and just relax ourselves. you might thought 5-6 years are enough to know someone, when in fact we are still learning to get to know and accept each other. or maybe it's just me, for being such a complicated and difficult person to get along with!! haha. well, i cant wait for the trip. it's my first time organising a trip, i'm gonna plan like i never plan before hehe as long as it doesnt make my anxiety worse haha

i've just told mu'azzah that i couldnt come to her wedding this june. she seems kinda sad. sori mu', i really do. when i saw those wedding pictures of some old school friends, with lots and lots of familiar ex-schoolmate guests, i know i couldnt come. i couldnt imagine coming to see and meet those familiar faces. i just couldnt. i couldnt face being judged. altho i've always said that i dont damn care about what other people talk about me, when actually in fact i do care. and i can imagine hearing they say, oh dah tak pakai tudung skrg, or, oh dah lawa skrg ye, or, make-up tebal nampak, or, bergaya siut! i dunno. i have left my past, i totally buried them away, and meeting these people of my past seems very very scary. the people that i'm still in contact now are those i choose to remain in contact with, and these people are not a lot. so, sori again mu', i really do. i know it's kind of a selfish excuse, and i didnt expect you to understand.

exactly 1 month to go! as you can imagine, i have this countdown thing in my head, like, every 5 seconds. as you might have guessed, i already packed and ready to go! haha. i really wish azali could pick me up at klia, he seems reluctant to do so, and i cant figure out his true reason. it's his face that i want to see first, than anyone else in these whole wide world! enough enough we got your point, you miss your fiance so much bla bla bla :p

whatelse whatelse. i'll write later when i got more ideas. i'm gonna make my dinner now. wish i could just buy my dinner in some mamak stall huh

just finished watching csi las vegas. that is my routine for tuesday night. i prefer csi las vegas than miami. i think it's because it has more paranormal events, like serial killers, psycho man and the interesting chimera and werewolf man, that makes it more interesting. compared to csi miami that has more crime elements, like robbery, smuggling, pendatang tanpa izin, pirates etc. plus csi las vegas has the brilliant grissom. but i think horatio in csi miami is not bad, except that grissom is more geeky, and i like geeky, but horatio is a more people-person, if you know what i mean.

had an early leave from work today; my housemates wanted to watch ice age 2, and i wanted to join them. the movie wasnt good; it wasnt crap, but i barely laughed. i didnt have any expectation, mind you, but it was kinda plain and unlaughable that i thought it would still not worth to buy its dvd. it's that bad. anyway, i truly enjoyed the dinner we had after that. went to nandos, as it was the nearest to odeon, and i was so hungry i couldnt think of anything else to eat. which brings me to my next topic: i have gained weight!! bloody freaking calories. that is what this is all about. plus this is my 2nd week of easter break, all i did was eat and lay on the bed and watch tv. seriously. i can feel i'm expanding, seriously, i just feel something is wrong, like feeling less fit. and.. all my trousers and jeans are getting tighter. bloody hell! i got less than 2 months before going home and i dont want to be this big! bloody hell bloody hell. elly, you have to have boiled broccoli after this, hear me?

damn it. oja and nad are coming this weekend and of course i would love to cook for them. sob sob sob. diet sob sob. remember elly, do it not because of wanting to be thin, do it for all your beloved clothes and jeans, tops and trousers, those things that you treasure most. imagine if you cant fit into any of them, and then you have to leave them behind and put them behind the cupboard. no. it would be a waste, wouldnt it? it would be like a crime, right? right...

saturday..bliss. no one at home, i think. ct is working. the rest went out. i want to go out too, but with the moody weather where it rains every now and then, think i better tuck myself under the duvey thank you very much. and i dont want to spend more money. i tend to spend everytime i go out, so i figure that in order for me to not spend, i must not leave the house. hahaha

am still not feeling that well, with blocked nose and running nose all at the same time, but things improve a bit. actually i'm feeling a lot better. talked to azali this morning and he was in his good mood indeed, and that made me feel good too. we are planning to go somewhere when i go back this summer, and mama had given her permission. all we need to do now is to find a destination that suits our budget. it doesnt matter whether we manage to go somewhere or not, hearing him eager to plan our holiday together was enough to make me happy :) am so in love~

so, what shall i do today? cook? cant think of anything to cook. and with my blocked nose, i cant taste a thing. every food seems dull. maybe i go out and catch a movie. that means leaving the house. du'h. not a good idea, plus there's no good movie at the moment. ct brought back lots of dvds, courtesy of her cousin, i think, in malaysia. hmm maybe i'll watch that. maybe. damn it. i cant make up my mind. you know what, think i'll lay on the bed and stay there until i figure out what to do

just came back from work. that's my plan for easter break. work, work and more work, so that i can earn more money. the money is not for myself, it's for the summer house rents of 3 months. i'll be going home for the whole summer to do my electives, but my scholarship ends this may and there are rents to pay for june, july and august, plus the telephones, gas and electricity bills, so i hope to save enough money to pay for all of these for the 3 months. i dont want to cause my housemates any trouble, nor my parents to worry. hopefully my plan works. amin.

just received a rather sad and disappointing news. went very panicky for half an hour. bless my heart for being healthy and capable to cope those palpitations and adrenaline rush. as usual, my first reaction was 'fuck'. then 'bloody hell'. then 'badak bodoh'. and the list of curses goes on. am now a bit sad, and disappointed. what the hell. dont feel like want to share it with anyone.

one note: there is a reason why someone refuse to answer your call. full stop. think about it. ask me no question, and i'll tell you no lie.

kinda pissed off at the moment. better keep myself in my room

i'm not feeling well. i think it's the weather. main tukar suka2 hati je. it can be so bright and hot, then suddenly a really really cold wind came by. but i think it was the tiring weekend and the ice-cream/smoothies that i had made me feel sick. thank god i'm having my easter break now. boleh la golek2 atas katil without worrying about any workload.

weekend was filled with some guests coming over at the house. i'm not fond with new faces, especially when they came in a group. anyway, since they were not my guests, i stayed in my room all the time. call me rude, but i dont care. on sunday me and ellina joined mu'azzah and syahril, her fiance, to york factory outlet. both of them wanted to buy some wedding stuff, while i bought 4 pairs of shoes hahaha. ninewest shoes for 5 quids each. puas hati gile. a pair of them even match the sequined handbag that i bought a few months ago. the handbag is quite glamorous, and i bought it for my own wedding hantaran, and now i have a pair of shoes that match! suka hati gile. i also bought an elle sling bag for half price its recommended price. lagi suka hati. the funny thing was that i just declared my promise to not buy another handbag, like, 20 minutes earlier, before i went to the elle shop and fall in love with the sling bag. agak padan muka gak la haha. takpe la, i really like the new handbag.

someone bought me an early birthday gift la la la. mama bought me a zen micro! and it's orange in colour, exactly like i want! suka hati gile bobeng. it all started when kak lysa planned to buy iwan a zen micro as a gift for his spm result. then i told mama how good is that zen, as 2 of my housemates have them and that both of them like it. i also told mama that if i was to have one, i think orange would be the funkiest one. then one day i got a call from iwan saying that they had bought me one. suka hati suka hati. the problem now is to how to get the zen micro to myself. it's in malaysia, and they dont think it's safe to post it, so i think the best solution is to pass it to nadine when he goes to malaysia this may. may? ayoo..have to wait for a month and a half to hold my beloved zen.

plan of the day? nothing. think i'll make myself a good chicken soup. aisey, i got no veggie. am too lazy to go to hutchinson's to get some fresh ones. hmm we'll see.

finally the presentation is over. it wasnt bad, but it wasnt brilliant either. the presentation part went alright, i think it went smooth, well, according to my standard la, but the question-answer session was a bit, how can i say...shaky. didnt manage to answer a couple of questions, i think, mostly because i didnt know the answer. well, the questions were slightly over my topic, but i could have invented some answers to satisfy the questioner, in which i havent. well. there is nothing to regret about, all past is past, and there is nothing i can do to change the grade, whatever it is.

so i'm having my easter break now, for 2 weeks. no plan, just work, work and work. i couldnt afford to go anyway, so better stay still and quiet in newcastle.

nothing much happen lately. the last few days were spend with the presentation. oh yeah, me and ellina went to tesco extra on wednesday evening and bought lots, lots and lots of food. mainly junk food ahaha. we had to call a taxi to go home. imagine, we had about 5 to 6 bags, each. both were quite shocked to see how much food we had bought and how much it cost. so, a self-reminder: never ever go to tesco extra when i'm hungry or early of the month when money is good.

ellina's friends are coming over this weekend. nadine's too. hopefully the water wont cause any more trouble. last evening there was some water/tangki problem somewhere and they had to close the main pipe. so we didnt have water in the shower room, which is at the 1st floor, due to low water pressure. it was alright this morning, thank god, or else i would have to go to the university sport centre to have my shower.

cant think of anything else to write. ellina and her friend, yusra, want to join me ronda2 town in an 1 hour time. i'm thinking of going to metro centre, but my bag that i have to carry, is quite heavy, well, since i have a second pair of shoes inside. wonder if there is somewhere i can put my stuff. fat chance.

weekend plan? relax, relax and more relax. sleep, sleep and more sleep. oh yeah, F1. weeeeeee heeeeeeee

statistics.

...........

for the first time in myself, i dont understand numbers. numbers and maths had been my strongest subject in schools, and now after more than 5 years of no-numbers, no-calculation life, i'm lost. it's bitter to swallow.

there was something about numbers that satistied me. they never lie. 2 plus 3 is 5, and will always be 5, and you can never change that. my heart was full of joy everytime i did numbers. i would smile from ear to ear everytime i did numbers. when i was 16 going 17, i cried to my mum and told her how much i loved numbers and that i would like very much to spend the rest of my life doing numbers. i would breath, live and die with numbers. that was how much i loved my numbers. she just went silent.

that was almost 10 years ago. i havent done numbers for a looong time, well, sometimes i do count for the house phonebills, whenever ct allows me. even the maths books that i swore to treasure for the rest of my life, had gone. my family had moved around quite a lot, and for me being away, they lost most of my stuff. a few years back when life got rough, i cried silently on my bed and soothed myself with good memories and reminded myself of my long-lost love of numbers. i used to promise myself to not let go of this love and tried to do as much numbers as i can, but it seemed to remain just as a promise. i couldnt even remember what standard deviation and variance are. i couldnt even remember how to do differentiation. i have lost my numbers.

lets not cry now, shall we. life has chosen a different path for me. i need to focus on my path now and there is no use to cry for the past. now, how shall i understand this sample variance study thingy? it is part of my presentation, the ol supervisor who declared himself as 'statistic genius' (...) had done all the statistic calculation himself and didnt explain it to me. now that it's part of my presentation where they have question-answer session and that there might be questions about the calculation from the audience, so in other words, i need to know about this sample variance study thingy in 2 days time. got it?

monday.. i'm not complaining tho. i'm free this week, since it is the reading week for us to prepare our oral presentation this friday. i have finished mine, just need to practise presenting it to make it as smooth as possible. i'm meeting my supervisor tomoro for him wanting to hear me presenting. i'm not looking forward to meeting him, but since it would be useful for the real presentation on friday, i wouldnt mind. but still..

weekend was spend finishing the presentation. mine actually finished last week, but typical me, i like to do lots of changes and editing, and that's why i like to have mine finished early. plus i need to prepare myself mentally more than anything else, and that is surely take some more time. good. i know my own pace now, and it's a slow one, and i would handle it the best way i know how to. maybe that is one reason i like to do things on my own.

just had a loongg bath. no one's home, except ellina, so this is my chance to have my beloved bath. i love bath, but since we only have 1 and only 1 toilet and there are 5 of us, so bath is not exactly preferable. but i still grab my chance whenever no one's at home hihi

it's saturday. woke up at about 10. bliss. nad texted to meet up at town for coffee, but i decided to stay at home. my mood is not at its best lately, so best just to keep myself locked in the room. he called me just now to tell me he bought this dvd that i longed to watch, spirited away, and he offered to lend it to me. nice guy, he is. truly a nice guy :)

received another letter from the northumbria trust hospitals unit. this one was from north cumbria acute hospitals. it was about my stage 5 attachment with them after summer. i'm going to spend 3 months, ie the whole sept, oct and nov at carlisle. i know this is coming, i know i'm going to spend at least 3 months at carlisle, either before or after christmas this year. it was last christmas when i knew i got northumbria base unit for my final year. at that time, i was more than happy for not getting tees base unit, which is very very down south and i would have to move there if i got that base unit. altho northumbria is my second last choice, i was grateful for not getting tees. but now with all the letters and confirmation coming in, it is all a bit too much.

i cant take more than one step at a time, or else it confuses me. these past few weeks has been a struggle. with the obstetric attachment and its weird and pervy consultant, then this one oral presentation coming in less than a week, the electives thingy that i havent done a thing, and now this final year attachment. i'll be away from newcastle for a good 3 months, but it's the thought of becoming a final year that scares me the most.

i dont like being away from my comfort room. call me childish, but i need a familiar surrounding that i'm comfortable with. 'but you cant have everything you want, dear'. i know. it's the past experience that i'm scared of. i was away from newcastle a few years ago when i did my first 3rd year attachments, and it didnt turn out ok. i'm scared of what it can do to my head. i'm scared of my past. i've promised myself to not be in that situation again. but you'll never know.

then someone said, 'you need to grow up'.

he said that.

the one who knows every single thing about my past.

the one who i choose to tell every single thing that came out my mind.

the one whom i trust the most.

the one whom i choose to love.

he is entitled for his opinion, but i feel betrayed. all i want is for him to lend an ear.

i dont know him anymore. is it me? or him? i dont know who has changed, but we are two different people now. we're struggling. i am struggling.

FINALLY!

i'm done with obstetrics.

as if.

today is my last day of my option. he who-i-want-to-kill had filled up my assessment form. oh man. i cant kill someone who gave me all merits, can i? damn. i've already had these lists of things that i want to write here about him, lots and lots of curses, but now i cant do that. it'll make me feel guilty. he said lots of good things about me throughout my attachment (altho i doubt his sincerity, but shall we not go there, you ungrateful lil thing, me that is haha) so i thought it would be best to just keep things to myself. see, i try to be nice and unselfish here haha.

but he wants me to come and see him next week to practise my oral presentation. damn. no, it's good, stupid elly. but i dont want to ever see him again. but he wants to help you with the presentation. he seems genuine on wanting to help me and my presentation. who cares whether he's genuine or not, i know i definitely need some help with my presentation. isk. shall i just enjoy my weekend and worry about it later? that's perfect, elly, lets just leave things last minute, shall we? me, who like to procastinate. 'great'.

what he said about me was a bit funny, i think. i was a bit shocked, just a little tiny shocked. he said i coped well when given a task. i worked hard to complete a given task. like the audit he asked me to do, i knew exactly what i was doing and he was satisfied with the end result with me asking least assistance. i think that also happened in my last option. the consultant gave me the newest guidelines and asked me to do an audit. 5 weeks later i showed him a complete 13 pages written report. personally, i think both audits that i did was super duper simple and straightforward, seriously simple, but both consultants were super impressed and i didnt know why. but now i know. they were actually impressed with me completing the task with least assistance.

the consultant also said that i was quite a quiet person (yes i am) and he thought it was a tactic of mine (huh?). since i was quiet, people wont have any expectation. and since they dont have any expectation, and when i managed to complete a task, like an audit or being asked some simple questions, which was a super simple task, they were amazed. got what i mean? dono. all i want is to pass my course, i dont know any tactic or strategy. seriously.

fine. lets just leave it there, shall we? i want to have a calm and relaxing weekend.

i want to write about the malaysian nite, which was almost 2 weeks ago, so macam dah kinda cite basi plak. i want to write about the old schools, like what nadine had in his blog, but this entry has already gone long, so i think i shall write that some time later. plans for tonite? nothing. plan for weekend? nothing. i like that. i really like that :)

bloody hell!!!

think i'm gonna kill myself really soon

life sucks

i damn hate this one person. seriously i can kill him with my bare hands. kill him first, then kill myself HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

FUCK EVERY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

finally i have some time to write something here. this week has been pretty loonngg indeed.

this week is the second last week of my option, so knowing that the supervisor is going to grade me next week, so extra rajin aa dtg sekolah hehe penat penat.

today was..i can say.. a waste. woke up at half 6 to attend the midwife take-over shift at half 7 . then waited for any pregnant mum to deliver. none of the pregnant mums at the delivery suite was ready to deliver, so i had to wait for about an hour or more when one pregnant mum came through the a&e whose due date was today. it was her 1st pregnancy. when she came at about 9ish, her cervix had already dilated about 6 cm. then i had to wait and wait till half 1 when she was fully dilate (10cm). but then her water hadnt broken so the midwife needed to artificially rupture her membrane. to cut the story short, i waited until half 4 when i realised she wasnt ready to deliver her baby until at least 9 or 10 tonite. she's a very nice lady, along with her husband. i can fully understand how she was pretty anxious about almost everything, since this is her 1st baby and she didnt know what to expect. all the best to her.

on the way back i went to the printer shop that i went in yesterday to get my posters laminated. i know some people dont understand why i spend so much time, energy and money for this 1st audit of mine. this audit is special. very special indeed. i gave it my all. it wasnt to get great marks, honestly, it was for my own satisfaction. when i did this audit, i was attached to one speciality in medicine that i truly, honestly care for. like i said before, care and love are something that cannot be forced. it is either you like it, or not like it. well, that is for me. like, i cannot simply say i like paediatrics and say how cute and adorable children are, when the true fact is that i dislike children. and i cannot care for something i hate. but when i did geriatrics, there was suddenly this one side of me that i didnt know could ever exist. like i said before, i am a selfish person and i know that. but when i realised how much i care about old people, it shocked me. in a good way. it was like, 'oo this is how it feels like to care about other people'. yup, i was that selfish. this one attachment is truly special to me and it shall remain in my heart, cos it makes me feel unselfish. so this audit is truly special to me, and i spent lots of time, energy and money to make it perfect. there you go. and those laminated posters, they look great :)

honestly, i cant wait to finish my current option. dont get me wrong, it is a good attachment. i admit it is different, but i've learnt a lot for these past few weeks. like, a lot. they are all very useful, not just for my course, but for myself. but again, interest is something, that i believe, cannot be created. yes you can learn to like and enjoy something, but we are talking about genuine interest on something that you gonna spend the rest of your life with. it is either you like it, or not. obstetrics is not for me. i'm not saying it is bad, in fact the attachment was very good and i've learnt a lot, but it is not my thing. full stop.

i hope to write more but i am very tired now. i hope to write about newcastle's malaysian nite which was held at the student union last wednesday night, but let leave that for tomoro. good nite. happy weekend.

me! dont ask me why i had that huge smile. i was happy at that time. i like snow. i have good company. life is good. so i'm smiling :)

weekend went by very fast. i cooked tomyam on saturday, it was slightly different than my usual one, but no one complains, well, no one ever complains bout my cooking haha. i think they are just a bunch of nice and considerate people, my friends are. and that they know if they ever complain, i wont cook again hahaha

didnt do much on saturday except for the cooking part. watched jurassic park that night while ct, yus and nadine went to watch syriana at odeon. i'm not a fan of george clooney, so that film doesnt interest me, altho lots of people recommend it. dono, i just didnt feel like want to go out that night. no, actually, i wanted to watch jurassic park over itv2 haha.

sunday was filled with F1. finally it's that time of the year again! F1 started at bahrain, and they have lots of new rules! it was quite exciting i tell you, with the qualifying part got not 1, but 3 sessions. and they have tyre changes again this year. i got my eyes glued on the tele for the whole 3 hours. bless!

it was snowing since saturday night and it continued snowing on sunday. it wasnt thick, but i felt like taking some pics at the park. i managed to convince nadine and ellina to join me, but ct, yus and shanti prefered to stay at home. good for them, as it was mad freezing outside! but ellina, nad and i managed to get lots of nice pics and i thoroughly enjoyed it. i have just uploaded some of them at my fotopages.

spm result will come out tomoro. i know someone who is super nervous at this time. good luck iwan! i'll wait for your phonecall tonite.

sigh. tomoro's monday. who likes monday?

finally it's over!

my presentation that is.

it went...ok, i think. hell yes, i was nervous. i figured out that it was the waiting that makes me nervous. waiting has always been the biggest hurdle. but once you stood there, everything was ok. well, at least well according to plan la. i have practised this presentation for god knows how many times, almost all the people that i've met and known already heard me presenting. suddenly i felt a bit guilty. for involving too many people. typical me. when gelabah, i tend to be a pain in the ass. seriously! and now i feel guilty and ashamed. of myself. well, the crucial thing now is that the presentation is over, totally, utterly over, and i can have my life back, my sleep and appetite back, and concentrate on the rest of my options.

you know i only slept 5 hours last night? that was after mugs of horlicks and camomile & lavender tea, and 2 paracetamol? these list of stuff are supposed to help me sleep, well, at least they worked in the past. but last night i only managed to get 5 hours of sleep. well, at least it was a dreamless sleep. and i didnt eat a single thing today! was tooooo damn nervous to eat. only took 2 beta-blockers to calm me down. but no food at all. it was a wonder how i managed to stand in front of the lecture theatre to present my audit. i think my liver must be healthy then. they truthfully provide enough stored glucose for my body for one whole day. gosh laparnye!

i have this one ritual everytime i have some big events. i like to wear something new. i believe they bring good luck. i think they are more to boost my confidence. so today i wore something new. not one, but 5 new stuff haha. new shirt, new trousers, new socks, new brooch and new haircut. the shirt is a cute cute one, with its puff sleeves and round lapel, in which ct said like kindergarden's uniform. i got it from topshop and it's white in colour. the trouser is plain black. and the brooch i made it myself, using buttons and ribbons. shanti and ellina think it is cute. and this morning i get myself a fringe (finally!) and cut about an inch of my hair. gosh, look at the preparation! and it was just for one-fucking-8-minute presentation. come to think of it..lawak gak la. elly yg poyo. officially. haha.

the rest of the week was...busy, and very, very surprisingly, good. mr nasty obstetrician suddenly become super nice and cool consultant. seriously, it's my biggest puzzle of all. i went to his clinics earlier this week, and i learnt a lot. this consultant, i admit, is super genius, at least in his field. he looks young, yet so brainy. all of the staff keep asking him 1001 questions and he could answer every single of them. and remains cool at the same time. and then he let me assist a caesarean section, which was super duper cool. i was actually super nervous at that time, and thanks to the wonder of beta-blockers, i managed to remain calm. the consultant even joked after the surgery by saying i was as cool as a cucumber during the whole procedure! ha ha. but to be able to assist a surgery, it was a priceless experience.

later that day, after i realised that the consultant might be in a good mood, i decided to accept his offer to help with my presentation. and he was super nice again. he gave me lots, and lots of tips and advices on how to do a presentation. damn..now my supervisor is nice, i begin to like and enjoy the things i do now, and although i hate to admit, i think obstetrics is not that bad. i like geriatrics so much last month, and seriously considering it for my future, but now that i begin to like obstetrics, it's kinda a mixed feeling. dilemma hmm. well, good thing i dont have to make my decision now. i just want to enjoy 4th year, of course to pass it too lah, go home this summer to do electives and come back with a fresh and committed body, mind and soul for final year. amin.

ok, back to reality. it's a wonder how i can think and write this long with a low sugar level in my blood. so, friday night.. what's the plan? not-a-thing. just chilling out. but there is still some adrenaline leftovers in my body (from the presentation today), and i feel like doing something. like watch the movie. but there is not a single thing on the cinema. just rubbish films. waaa.. i want to do something exciting tonite... hehe need to fill my stomach first. eat first, think later. have a nice weekend everyone!

hello

i'm in my room at the moment. am too lazy to change my formal, hospital attire to some comfy, loose pyjamas. i'm still thinking about what to eat for dinner. fish & chips? instant pizza? maggi sounds good. egg mayo sandwich is good too. cookies and milk sound tasty. we'll see..malasnyer nk makan..

today was ok. monday..what do you expect? no one likes monday huh. well, super nerd geek people may be, but we are talking about normal population here. this week is the 4th out of my 6th week of obstetrics. remember when i wrote about how nasty my current supervisor is? well, he's kind of a changed man now. dono. he is nicer now. which puzzles me. a lot. well, i shouldnt complaint, should i? he is now more relax and flexible, i admit he is a bright consultant, everyone seems to refer to him and ask him lots of questions, and he damn knows most of stuff, so i guess it makes him a bit arrogant. which is mostly understandable and, doubtfully, acceptable. and today he smiles a lot. when i asked him for a day off on this friday for that day will be my presentation day in sunderland, he offers to help me with my presentation. he said i could practise my presentation to him and gave me tips on how to do a good presentation. i was like, 'huh?'. i hope he stays this nice until the end of my option. amin.

and i have one good news. i bought a flight ticket to go home this summer! weeeeeee! who doesnt like to go home? me like home so much. food food food. family. azali. and this summer i got to go home for nearly 3 months! and that includes my electives, of course. takpe la, i'll still doing it at home. home home home la la la. i already have lots and lots of plans. i plan to go somewhere, like a holiday break or weekend, i'm thinking of kota kinabalu or singapore, ie going somewhere that i've never been before. i hope to go with azali, so that we got to spend some good time together, but if he's busy or got other plan or simply refuse to go with me for whatever reason, that's fine, i can always go with kak lysa who is kaki jalan. or maybe i can go with some friends? gee..i have never travelled or jalan2 with friends like wirda or liza. well, i just remember, they are married. hmm.. ellina and her good friends plan to travel to bangkok this august, and i really hope i can join in, but i only know ellina but not her friends, and her friends dont know me, so i'm not certain whether i can join them or not. well, we'll see. gee...cant wait to go home! 3 more months to go!

this week wasnt easy. it was awkward. i lost control. more like i am not sure what has happened. this happens when i got lots of things in my mind at one time. and that time happens right now. told you i cant take more than one step at a time.

have you had dreams so real you are not sure what is the reality? no, this is not 'the matrix', silly you. several times i woke up wondering who am i, where am i, what am i. my mind just lost. lost of what? reality? it felt as if i lost something. more like i lost a grip. of my life.

there are indeed some things that are kept wandering in my head nowadays. the biggest one is the presentation i have next friday. i know it's just a fucking presentation, but it affects me more than i realised. every 5 seconds i will think about it. these days i have to take more beta-blocker tablets just to calm me down. then another presentation at the end of this month. i have been trying to tell myself that they are just fucking presentations, you come and present and answer a few questions, that is all. not something that i've never done before. then why all this lost-ness?

and doing something that i dont enjoy everyday did not help the situation either. obstetrics. deliveries and caesarean. babies. lots of babies. some people will go 'ahh..', 'so cute', 'adorable'. and me was just, 'fine', or '...'. no feeling nor passion at all. do i have no heart at all? do i care at all? i know i dont prefer children, i dont hate them, i just dont prefer them. fine, fine, i dont fucking care about them. puas hati? i know i'm not a heartless person, i hope i'm not, but the last sentence does make it sound as if i am indeed that kind of person.

it was a mistake to choose this option. options are supposed to be doing things that you enjoy. ie things that you want to do. or at least things that you care enough to do. i dont want to do this. well, i am aware i cant have and do everything that i want to. i am not spoilt or big-headed. i'm trying to be rational and reasonable. but whether i like it or not, it affects my life sooner or later.

my mind and body are two separate things. they live in harmony, or at least they try to. and my mind is something that sometimes i cant control. it has a mind of its own. i know all of these doesnt make any sense, but that is how my mind works. the more i try to be in control, ie try to be rational in my decision making, but if my mind doesnt approve it, it will rebel and eventually it wont work. in other words, i'll go nuts.

i know all of these sound nonsense. i'm just not myself. i'm not making any sense.

i know some says that i'm selfish, but when i realise it myself, it hits me worse. fine, let me say this out loud:

i dont care about babies. or small children. or children. i dont like them. i just dont care. yes i am selfish. i am a bad person. but that is something i cant control. you cant just simply care about something. and i am just a person who doesnt care about young people. and knowing this make me sick. of myself. puas hati?

i am so tired right now.

today started early. i couldnt sleep last night; i only managed to close my eyes at half 2 and woke up at 7 am when the mobile phone's alarm rang. didnt have time to eat or drink, i rushed to the rvi's delivery suite. and i had to wait for 4 hours to see a delivering mum. it was a difficult one. it was her 1st pregnancy and she was transfered from hexham this morning at half 6. the CTG wasnt good; the baseline was over 180 constantly. so the good old rvi stuff followed the NICE guidelines and attempted to check on the baby's blood for pH and bases. it was my first time seeing how a fetal blood sampling been taken. the doc put a strange looking speculum into the women's vagina and scratched the baby's head a bit and took some blood using 3 long, narrow tubes and me and the midwive had to run to the machine room to get it processed asap. it turned out that the baby's blood pH and bases were normal, so according to the NICE guidelines, we need to wait some more and no emergency caesarean, well, not yet. hence the waiting. the fetal blood sampling was taken 3 times, once every hour. thankfully, after the second sampling, the cervix began to dilate. but then the baby's position wasnt right; it was cephalic ie head down, but the baby was facing upwards. the baby supposed to face the mum's bum and has its back to mum's tummy. so the doc hoped the baby will turn to it's supposed position soon. hence more waiting. it was 2 pm and i hadnt eaten a single thing since i woke up this morning.

45 minutes later and thankfully the baby did turn. the mum pushed several times, but the baby was adamant and refused to move. so the spR was called and the ventouse or vacuum machine was pulled into the room. it was a weird looking thing. it was a.. vacuum. used to suck baby's head. it didnt look pleasant at all. the spR needed to work fast, as the baby blood sampling taken earlier (which was normal) was only valid for 1 hour. after that, they need to take another sampling and do another reading as the previous one will not be valid any more. the spR is a small indian guy, and he used all his might to pull the baby's head using the vacuum, but it was unsuccessful. so he used another device, one that i've heard so much about, the forceps. they look like a big pair of huge, unsharp, loops scissors. it wasnt the nicest device of all. so the spR put the forceps, one on each side of the baby's head, cutting some of the mum's perineal at the same time.

after several difficult pushings, the baby's head was out. but the umbilical cord was around the the baby's neck. the spR quickly cut the cord and carefully delivered the rest of the body. the baby's head was red sore. there were some markings too on the baby's face. but the baby was fine. he cried as soon as he came to this world. the dad was crying too. me? i was numb. shocked. shaken. hypoglycaemic. pale.

i was born with a ventouse and forceps as well. exactly like the baby today. his mum was a bit lucky, as she only required an episiotomy ie no tear. but i still hate the stitching. for me it's the worst part. as for the women who delivered me more than 25 years ago, she had a third degree tear. as if that was not enough, i was a difficult baby. i cried a lot, and got really sick several times.

as much as i want to have and hold my own child, i dont think i can have it. not now. not in the next few weeks. i thought caesarean is better, but after i watched 3 caesarean last week, well, there is no such thing as a pleasure surgery. a surgery IS a surgery, where someone cuts open your lower stomach, near the bikini line, tears it open with force using both hand. not cut, but tear ie robek, cos that way the muscles heal better. and then 5 layers of stitching. that is horrible as well. all i can is:

mother's love is eternal.

i miss mama. i'll call her tomoro.

fridays..fridays..who doesnt love fridays?

it's friday morning. am waiting for the patients notes to be available for my audit. crap. i have hoped to get this audit over with, well, at least for this week. but then someone took it to get it coding, and they will only be available after lunch. crap. thought i could catch ellina after her presentation to lunch at the new chinese restaurant at the gate. guess now i'm gonna stuck here at rvi til at least after 3.

went to see my previous supervisor this morning at gateshead to discuss on the audit presentation. it will be on 10th march, ie exactly 2 weeks from now. gosh. i thought i was ok with it, having had some practice earlier this week, then when i saw the supervisor again this morning, gosh, this is happening for real! i know i have to prepare myself mentally than anything else. and i think it would be a good practice for the real oral presentation at the end of march, in which i will be marked. i'm worried on having to present to an unknown audience. and i'm worried most on the question-answer session. things that you cant practise on, and it's unpredictable. fine. i have to really know the topic i'm presenting on, and since i did this audit myself, i think, and hope, it will be fine.

my presentation will be the last one. of the day. dont know how to react to that. pro: everyone will be tired by then, so they wouldnt ask too many question. con: i hate waiting. damn hate that. just want to get it over with.

nad is coming over this weekend. nice. plus ct is back. good. my plan? maybe i'll cook, but it depends on my mood. plus i'm not craving on any food at the moment.

havent decided whether i want to go to barcelona this easter with ellina. it will surely be fun, but i have to consider other circumstances as well. situation at home is a bit unpredictable at the moment, and i have to prepare myself for the worst. it's exhausting to manage the unpredictable.

fine. what should i do know? my current supervisor is on holiday this week, so i'm not that occupied. got more than a couple of hours before the patients notes are readied. dont feel like i want to go to town. fine. i'll sit here until i made up my mind.

finally i have some time to do this blog.

someone sent me some roses on valentine's day. hihi thanks sayang :D they are very lovely



there were a mix of good and bad news last week. and it was the busiest week ever!

met my new consultant. he is...nasty. he scolded me like there's no tomoro on my first day. he was angry cause i didnt come and see him a week before to discuss about the audit. audit? huh? the med school only requires us to do one audit + poster for our 1st option. the 2nd option, ie the thing that started last week, we only have to do an oral presentation, on ANY topic that we, the student, choose. but the new super-nasty consultant wants me, more like commands me, to do another audit. audit ni..renyah aa. fine. then this super nasty consultant has the tendency to ask me questions in public. like the daily ward meeting, he'll ask, 'ok, elly, our med student, what to you think about this and that, bla bla bla' like in the middle of the meeting. fine. super fine. he's one super nasty consultant, i tell you, and i dont like him. and i have to spend 6 weeks with him. 1 finished, another 5 bloody weeks to go. i hate you mr super nasty obstetric consultant.

fine. super fine.

well, at least i have a dozen of roses on my desk now to soothe my anger :)

and another good news that keeps me restless at night, and grinning ear-to-ear at the same time.

my first audit got selected for a presentation at the regional British Geriatric Society meeting!

i am so happy. not everyday a medical student can attend a regional meeting. and to present my audit on that meeting? bloody hell. super bloody hell. this is good news, and scary news as well. regional meeting? i almost peed on my pants when i had to present in front of half of my batch last year, and that was a group presentation. and my part took less than 2 minutes. and now i have to present, alone, like, for 10 minutes, in front of unknown audience, consultants and registrars etc. this is super scary stuff man.

but it is a good news indeed. my cv will be good. and i made my previous consultant proud. he is such a good and caring consultant, and i am happy to make him proud. he even promised to help me with my presentation. nice guy he is.

so now i have to do some powerpoint presentation. did that. still need to prepare myself mentally tho. i also need to finish my poster presentation. also did that. and a second audit as well. already did the data sheet, and now i need to collect some audit data for 4 weeks, as well as attend as many baby deliveries and caesarean sections. also need to read some statistic books and journals for the audit processing. and an oral presentation at the end of this option. and to arrange for my elective this summer, first month in kuantan, then another month in usm kubang kerian. got to find the flight ticket soon. and still working 6 hours a week. and yeah, brainstorm some ideas for my bro's wedding this summer. i am in charge with hantarans and decorations.

pening? me too. my dad used to say, 'take one step at a time'. and i'll do that.

this is when the organiser plays its wonder.

first of all, the presentation for the regional meeting. i need to prepare myself, mentally than anything else. i hope to do it well. wish me luck, huh?

oklah, ellina wants to take some walk at the park and take some pics for her latest project. i'll go with her then. have a good weekend :)

here i am, sitting in front of the computer in meds school, on my first day of my 2nd option. there was some confusion with the first appointment apparently, it turned out that it wasnt his secretary whom i talked to yesterday, so no wonder no one could find the consultant today. i managed to talk to his actual secretary this morning and another appointment has been arranged, but i'm not sure when tho.

fine, today is a mess. i dont like being in a mess. i know i should have contacted him earlier, but how should i know, since my first option's consultant sent me a detailed appointment, so i thought that would always be the case. it turned out that i have to contact and arrange to see the consultant myself. fine.

azali was online a minute ago. i know it was almost the end of his work shift, but that was not an excuse to be rude and kurang ajar. iye, you were kurang ajar. hurtful words you used. then he'll later say 'sorry...'. whatever. how many times do i have to tell you i dont like to be talked to rudely. it's not that i want you to talk softie2, just talk like normal and dont use offensive words. i was not brought up with rude words. none of my friends talk to me like that. and to think that you are my fiance, and that i will soon hopefully spend the rest of my life with you, makes it even important. whatever. i am hurt. like you care.

these past few days had been a bit of a roller coster. i was very happy on friday, being it the last day of the week, and the final day of my option in geriatrics, and nadine was coming over that night, and i made nasi lemak for everyone. on saturday, nad, ellina and i went to town tuk jln2 and did a bit of shopping. then on sunday it went downhill, with some more bad news from home, again. yesterday was a waste, with useless elective talks at meds school. and more more bad news from home. and this morning as well. coupled with azali's manners..

i couldnt sleep well lately. no surprise there. may god help me pull myself together, like i always do.

hello hello

did something yesterday that i've never done before. i wrote my audit until 6 in the morning, went to shower after that, and slept at half 6 and woke up at 1. phew. i know i know, it was nothing unusual, but as i said, i never did something like this before. i tend to sleep early and wake up early. and a full shower at 6 in the morning? so as predicted i got a dull ache at the back of my head now ~adoi.. anyway i'm satisfied with the progress of the audit. my supervisor was so pleased with my first draft he suggests to get it publish. altho that is not my plan initially, all i want is to get a 'satisfactory' but all good news are welcome :D

i wonder how will next week be? me, in the delivery suite? hmm.. not a fan of babies particularly..

i made mee rebus yesterday yum yum. but then azali mentioned about nasi lemak this morning and that makes me want to make some. guess i have to wait til the mee rebus finish huh

cant wait to go to electives aka home this summer. havent done the preparation tho. i'm still wondering the reason i choose usm hosp kubang kerian. no, it's not near to azali's place haha. i think i like the idea of spending sometime at a local uni. i think i want to experience the life of a local uni student. think i should make the arrangement, like, really soon.

better start writing the abstract soon. nah.. my stomach needs some fuel. maybe if i finish the mee rebus now, i can make nasi lemak for dinner. yippee!

not in a mood to blog lately.

life has been okay.

havent finished my book yet. it's not as interesting as i initially thought it would be. maybe it's time to start the second book hihi.

next week will be my last week of geriatric. i will definitely going to miss those old folks. it's babies time after next week. how did i managed to persuade myself into that one? i choose geriatric because i want to. i choose obstetrics because i need to (got it? i choose obstetrics because of the knowledge and training are top essential, for the exams that is). but something for sure, geriatric is definitely ultimately on my top list now. i like the way they manage the patients. it's not as straight as treating chest infection with antibiotics or hypertension with calcium channel blocker, of course they do that but much more. they see the patient as a person, ask how they cope at home, how are they eating, the family and friends and support. it shows that they really care, not just as a patient who came to the hosp to get some treatment, got discharge home and that's it. they have follow ups and home visits. it shows that doctors do care and really want them well. and i like the idea that geriatric is not a 'fixer', ie like what surgeons do. i dont like the idea when people think of doctors as someone superior, ie a 'fixer', someone who is supposedly able to fix other people. and of course i like those lovely old people :)

audit is good. supervisor seemed pleased with my first draft. but it made the other girl's face sour. she hasnt done a thing. see, you are more readily and willingly to do more work in the things that you enjoy. du-uh.

i've been doing lots (and lots) of shopping lately. damn you sale!

i need a fringe. no, i want a fringe.

life can be quite dull sometimes. and it doesnt help when you are in an 'unsocial' mode.

think i'll get ready to bed. i know i know it's only 10, and on a friday night, but i had a full day. 8 to 7. well, had only half day in the hospital, went to work after that. did some overtime. plus i only had 5 hour sleep the night before. so i am tired.

not in a mood to blog lately.

life has been okay.

havent finished my book yet. it's not as interesting as i initially thought it would be. maybe it's time to start the second book hihi.

next week will be my last week of geriatric. i will definitely going to miss those old folks. it's babies time after next week. how did i managed to persuade myself into that one? i choose geriatric because i want to. i choose obstetrics because i need to (got it? i choose obstetrics because of the knowledge and training are top essential, for the exams that is). but something for sure, geriatric is definitely ultimately on my top list now. i like the way they manage the patients. it's not as straight as treating chest infection with antibiotics or hypertension with calcium channel blocker, of course they do that but much more. they see the patient as a person, ask how they cope at home, how are they eating, the family and friends and support. it shows that they really care, not just as a patient who came to the hosp to get some treatment, got discharge home and that's it. they have follow ups and home visits. it shows that doctors do care and really want them well. and i like the idea that geriatric is not a 'fixer', ie like what surgeons do. i dont like the idea when people think of doctors as someone superior, ie a 'fixer', someone who supposedly able to fix other people. i like the word 'manage'. and of course i like those lovely old people :)

audit is good. supervisor seemed pleased with my first draft. but it made the other girl's face sour. she hasnt done a thing. see, you are more readily and willingly to do more work in the things that you enjoy. du-uh.

i've been doing lots (and lots) of shopping lately. damn you sale!

i need a fringe. no, i want a fringe.

life can be quite dull sometimes.
and it doesnt help when you are in an 'unsocial' mode.

think i'll get ready to bed. i know i know it's only 11, and on a friday night, but i had a full day. 8 to 7. well, had only half day in the hospital, went to work after that. did some overtime. plus i only had 5 hour sleep the night before. so i am tired.