me and my screwed head

3/03/2006 01:44:00 PM 0 Comments »
this week wasnt easy. it was awkward. i lost control. more like i am not sure what has happened. this happens when i got lots of things in my mind at one time. and that time happens right now. told you i cant take more than one step at a time.

have you had dreams so real you are not sure what is the reality? no, this is not 'the matrix', silly you. several times i woke up wondering who am i, where am i, what am i. my mind just lost. lost of what? reality? it felt as if i lost something. more like i lost a grip. of my life.

there are indeed some things that are kept wandering in my head nowadays. the biggest one is the presentation i have next friday. i know it's just a fucking presentation, but it affects me more than i realised. every 5 seconds i will think about it. these days i have to take more beta-blocker tablets just to calm me down. then another presentation at the end of this month. i have been trying to tell myself that they are just fucking presentations, you come and present and answer a few questions, that is all. not something that i've never done before. then why all this lost-ness?

and doing something that i dont enjoy everyday did not help the situation either. obstetrics. deliveries and caesarean. babies. lots of babies. some people will go 'ahh..', 'so cute', 'adorable'. and me was just, 'fine', or '...'. no feeling nor passion at all. do i have no heart at all? do i care at all? i know i dont prefer children, i dont hate them, i just dont prefer them. fine, fine, i dont fucking care about them. puas hati? i know i'm not a heartless person, i hope i'm not, but the last sentence does make it sound as if i am indeed that kind of person.

it was a mistake to choose this option. options are supposed to be doing things that you enjoy. ie things that you want to do. or at least things that you care enough to do. i dont want to do this. well, i am aware i cant have and do everything that i want to. i am not spoilt or big-headed. i'm trying to be rational and reasonable. but whether i like it or not, it affects my life sooner or later.

my mind and body are two separate things. they live in harmony, or at least they try to. and my mind is something that sometimes i cant control. it has a mind of its own. i know all of these doesnt make any sense, but that is how my mind works. the more i try to be in control, ie try to be rational in my decision making, but if my mind doesnt approve it, it will rebel and eventually it wont work. in other words, i'll go nuts.

i know all of these sound nonsense. i'm just not myself. i'm not making any sense.

i know some says that i'm selfish, but when i realise it myself, it hits me worse. fine, let me say this out loud:

i dont care about babies. or small children. or children. i dont like them. i just dont care. yes i am selfish. i am a bad person. but that is something i cant control. you cant just simply care about something. and i am just a person who doesnt care about young people. and knowing this make me sick. of myself. puas hati?