me and my head

3/25/2006 05:00:00 PM 0 Comments »
just had a loongg bath. no one's home, except ellina, so this is my chance to have my beloved bath. i love bath, but since we only have 1 and only 1 toilet and there are 5 of us, so bath is not exactly preferable. but i still grab my chance whenever no one's at home hihi

it's saturday. woke up at about 10. bliss. nad texted to meet up at town for coffee, but i decided to stay at home. my mood is not at its best lately, so best just to keep myself locked in the room. he called me just now to tell me he bought this dvd that i longed to watch, spirited away, and he offered to lend it to me. nice guy, he is. truly a nice guy :)

received another letter from the northumbria trust hospitals unit. this one was from north cumbria acute hospitals. it was about my stage 5 attachment with them after summer. i'm going to spend 3 months, ie the whole sept, oct and nov at carlisle. i know this is coming, i know i'm going to spend at least 3 months at carlisle, either before or after christmas this year. it was last christmas when i knew i got northumbria base unit for my final year. at that time, i was more than happy for not getting tees base unit, which is very very down south and i would have to move there if i got that base unit. altho northumbria is my second last choice, i was grateful for not getting tees. but now with all the letters and confirmation coming in, it is all a bit too much.

i cant take more than one step at a time, or else it confuses me. these past few weeks has been a struggle. with the obstetric attachment and its weird and pervy consultant, then this one oral presentation coming in less than a week, the electives thingy that i havent done a thing, and now this final year attachment. i'll be away from newcastle for a good 3 months, but it's the thought of becoming a final year that scares me the most.

i dont like being away from my comfort room. call me childish, but i need a familiar surrounding that i'm comfortable with. 'but you cant have everything you want, dear'. i know. it's the past experience that i'm scared of. i was away from newcastle a few years ago when i did my first 3rd year attachments, and it didnt turn out ok. i'm scared of what it can do to my head. i'm scared of my past. i've promised myself to not be in that situation again. but you'll never know.

then someone said, 'you need to grow up'.

he said that.

the one who knows every single thing about my past.

the one who i choose to tell every single thing that came out my mind.

the one whom i trust the most.

the one whom i choose to love.

he is entitled for his opinion, but i feel betrayed. all i want is for him to lend an ear.

i dont know him anymore. is it me? or him? i dont know who has changed, but we are two different people now. we're struggling. i am struggling.