My World

alo

it's been a week since my last blog. i was bored like hell back then, luckily there were 2 nice people to accompany me at newcastle. everyday i go to work, work really hard and make really good money, then come back home to cook. it's like an adult's life (mind you, i'm a student, adult is someone who works for a living).

on friday i decided to go to edinburgh to join some old college friends, since my work place is closed for the christmas. it was good to catch up with them, gossiped (+bitched hehe) about some other old collegemates. i spent 3 nights there, and every night we just couldnt stop talking and gossiping. i'm not the kind of person who like my past; i'm the worst in keeping in touch. but the trip was really good. a really really good friend of mine from london was there too, it made my trip better. edinburgh is beautiful. it's spacious, with lots of old historical buildings. someone told me that i wouldnt like edinburgh because of my preference of modern architecture, so i was quite surprised myself to like edinburgh. hmm..maybe it was the companies that i had while staying there that made the trip worth.

on sunday we went to livingston's factory outlet; it's just an hour journey from edinburgh. guess who i met there? i met my favouritest person in the world, ellina! best nyer best nyer. and met oja and yunie as well, which was a bonus. bought some cheap stuff there; but i think it's the companies that you have with you that makes a trip good.

i went back to newcastle on monday afternoon, along with a pair of ninewest shoes that i bought for 16quids! super cool. and guess what? i managed to drag huda to come with me to newcastle! super duper cool! she's now sleeping on my bed, bless her. she's kinda tired. and tomoro we gonna go to town to watch a movie with nadine. best best.

guess i have to log off now. it's half one in the morning. called my mum just now, to ask her about the tsunami in southeast asia. hmm..kinda tired myself. maybe i'll try to write more tomoro.

alo

malasnye nk blog. tade mende pun nk tulis. hmm..actually got a few, but dont think i have the mood to write it here. well, i'll try to put it down..

my pre-christmas osce ended last tuesday. i started working the next day. basically, everyday consists of the same thing; woke up at 9, leave the house at 9.30, catch the metro at 10, arrive at work at 10.30, stay there until 2, sometimes 4. then go back home, prepare dinner, take a shower, watch tv, then sleep. i like routine. it keeps me going. well, i hope my everyday life consists of such routine, except that it is not...

2 of my housemates went back home. i mean, home home. one in malaysia, the other one in jeddah. my 3rd housemate is supposed to stay in newcastle. then, she changed her mind and went back to malaysia 2 days ago. fine. me home alone in the house. a big house. and..honestly, this i have to admit, i'm not a brave person. at all. i still use a night light to sleep at night, yup, those tiny light used for babies or small kids to sleep.

nasib baik sgt2, (alhamdullillah 10x), got this one hamba Allah yg baik hati to accompany me duk umah ni. dia baik, suka senyum. then got another hamba Allah yg baik hati gak. so i got these 2 really nice friends to accompany me here :). and i show my gratitute by cooking dinner for them. i dont mind cooking, i love cooking, IF there is someone to eat with. i cant be bothered to cook properly for myself. i can settle with microwaved food for myself, tho actually i love cooking. so, i cook dinner for these 2 every night, i hope. but then, being some good persons themselves, they didnt want to cause me such trouble to cook every night, so we end up alternating our cook schedule. i made dinner 2 days ago, Y cooked dinner last night, and N is preparing dinner now. cool. super cool. i just love their company! think i'll remember this as one of the good memories here in newcastle.

think i got to go now. N is expecting me and Y for dinner. will jolt down more later tonite. tata. cant wait to go to edinburgh to meet some old friends! opps...forgot to call the host..hehe bel..i'll arrive in edinb at 1.36pm friday aa..can u pick me up at the train station? me never been to edinb la. will call u tonite..

haiya

just finished my pre-christmas osce. kinda tired..and lazy too! had my osce at north tees hosp this morning, so i woke up at 5.45am. haiya..pain in the ass..but i'm glad i got the earliest osce. there are soo many students in my batch this year, it's nearly 400 (that's what i heard, but not sure whether it's true or not), and some of them have to take their osce at 4pm! this paper will take about 2 hours, and if you have to take it in a faraway hosp like in north tees or james cook in middlesburgh, you can only reach newcastle back at 7pm++! ayoo.. so although i got a faraway hosp for my osce, but at least i had to do it at 9am and finished by 11.

i had mixed feeling about this exam. i was scared like hell. although this year is my repeating year, so practically i took this paper, er, 2 years ago, but the nervousness is still there. before this i wasnt prepared enough. in fact, i didnt care at all. believe me guys, if i'm in my 'dont care' mode, i just cant be bothered, with anything! one of my weakness, i might say. but i think this time i prepared myself, i think, at least better prepared than 2 years ago. and my dad used to say, 'if you're prepared, you should not feel scared or nervous'. ha ha. i actually believed that. or used to believe that. i learnt that no matter how prepared you are, exams ARE exams, they are created to assess you. of course you feel nervous, esp when it is an OSCE exam, when they monitor every single things that you do, every single word that come out from your mouth, ie they OBSERVE you. and who liked to be observed? definitely not normal person la, lain la if you are the kind of person who like to be in the centre of attraction like the osbournes ka etc. but an osce is an observal assessment, and it's the worst exam of all. i wont comment on how i did this morning, past is past, but i think this is the first paper that i gone worried after the exam. i hope this feeling will be gone soon. hey, (i'm talking to myself here), it's christmas hols, dude! not that i celebrate christmas, but a break is a break, and i'm sure i'll be busy when the term starts again on january, so make full use of your break!

ok ok, chill out girl.

so i'm officially free, until new year. i dont have any plan initially, cos, the initial plan was for my fiance to come, but then the ego issue came in, and tada, i'll be spending the next 2 weeks and a half alone in newcastle. yup, home alone. 2 of my housemates are going home, while the other has her own plan with her friends and dont think she will be around in newcastle. luckily, (yup, look at the brighter side, well, i'm trying to), i have informed the practise manager where i work that i will work full time there during christmas hols. 1) yey, of course for the extra money 2) i want to fill up my time..boring weh. then, some of my old college friends are having a mini gathering in edinburgh for christmas and new year, so i decided to join them on 24 dec and return back to newcastle on 27 dec. think it's enough. i am the kind of person who doesnt like to stay too long in someone else's place. hehe i need my own tilam, bantal etc. dono, it's just me. think that's why i dont like to travel that much. i like to keep near to my, er, habitat haha.

so, what else to do? borrowed a nice, thick fictional book from ct, for me to read. that'll help me occupied. nadine's will be around too, so i think it will be fine.

i want to write about something else too, but this entry is too long already, so it's better to write it next time.

ps:/ just like to mention something.. i sent my raya pics to my 'beloved' fiance back home. know what he said? 'eh ct lawa la hehe'. terbakar hangus2 aa.. remind me again why i got engaged with this guy?

funny funny

sory bout my previous entry..kinda jiwang..mmg jiwang pun! it's so not me, but once in a blue moon, ok la kan hehe..(still embarassed huhu)

i'm tired and sleepy, but it's just 9, think it's too early to call it a day. there is nothing what so ever on the tele, so i'm stuck with internet lah. revision? yeah, i got my pre-christmas's osce next tuesday, but i had spent the whole day, the whole week in fact, reading, revising, and practising the osce so i'm all out now. plus it's damn mad freezing outside (or is it just me?), so i'm better off under the dovey, thank you very much. tomoro's another day of reading, revising and practising, so i think i wont feel guilty for not doing anything tonite.

when i first came to newcastle, i met this one young female doctor, Dr A, during one of hari raya gathering. at that time, she was a doctor for 3 years, and coped very well in medicine world. what amazed me was that she was happily married at that time and had a young 5 years old daughter. i always have this thought that family and career dont mix well if you are a women, esp in medicine. everybody says that. it's either family, OR career. well, you can have both, but in a slower and delayed pace lah. i have a friend who sacrificed her study in medicine to do a basic science degree and became a teacher, in order to concentrate on her family. while my other friends had to delay weddings or even stay single, for them to focus on their career. if you are a guy, the senario will be totally different, of course. guys dont involve much in kids and family, well, that's the conservative malay way of thinking, and i have to admit i still have an old mind about bringing up a family. so, my point is that i never meet any young women who have both career and family (if old women tu, lain cite lah, what i mean here is women who has just started her career). i met Dr A, and i saluted her. she had became my idol.

and today, after 4 years, i met her again. she's one of the GP in the GP surgery where i'm attached to. it's pure coincidence. like, for the whole 300-ish ppl in my batch, 26 of them were sent to NT General Hospital, including me. from 26 ppl in my hosp group, we had to divide ourselves between 6-7 GP surgeries. and i had the one where she works as one of the GPs. and she's, like, the only malay GP in newcastle. when my teaching GP introduced her to me, i was overwhelmed. she's the one i looked up to for this past few years.

she's looking great. she has 3 children now, owns a house in north shield, just finishes her MRCGP exams and is due to go back to malaysia for good this january. she's one of the malay pioneer to become a GP and she's enjoying it. she explained about her career path and the future of a GP in malaysia. i was soo amazed with her story. i always know that i'm a family type of person, but i dont want to waste my degree (if i manage to get one lah). after coming back from a long break, i can now focus more into medicine and begin to enjoy every bit of it and i dont want to waste it. if you aim to be a consultant in less than 10 years after graduating, fine, i think every single qualified doctor can do that if they only focus on that kind of career pathway. if you want to build your family and forget everything else, fine, almost everyone can do it. but to be able to meet a women who balances her career and family life, it's just superb. impressive. extraordinary. she just made my day.

well, that's today. tomoro's another day. another few days of hard work, then the christmas hols! yippee!

hmm..like i have any plan for christmas hols..d'huh

good nite!

ps:/ gambar raya. got a few more, but i havent worked out how to put more that 1 pic in this blog, so need to wait and see lah huh


me with the girl in pink kurung

it was late summer 2002. i had to return to uk earlier than expected for my resits. it was hard to accept failure. most of my friends had not returned from their summer holiday in malaysia. i was stressed..and lonely. somehow i knew someone who didnt go back home for summer. he and i had such a difficult and long history together. he was my ex, and i was the one who dumped him a year before, saying that he was ugly and i was embarassed whenever i go out with him. nasty.

but i need to go somewhere after the resits. it was like a ritual for me to go somewhere else on the evening of the last paper. he and i hadnt contacted each other for some time. i apologised soon after we broke up, he accepted it, and we contacted each other about once a month. fine. i was too tired and stressed to think about that. i made my decision and called him saying that i need a place to go to take my mind off the resits. he said ok.

as planned, i went to his place on the evening of my last paper. we didnt talk much, we tried to keep it formal and superficial. we spent the next day walking around his campus and again, we didnt talk much. he was a quiet guy afterall, and i still got my mind filled with the resits. the next day, he suggested we go to a place somewhere in the midlands, where shakespear used to live. i agreed.

he said it would take us about an hour by bus to reach that place. i left it to him to find the bus and map, it was his place anyway. so we jumped on a double-decker bus and sat on the front most, right side. i sat near the window. it was a lovely late summer day. all the leaves were greenish gold. then he realised we took the wrong bus, well, the right bus but with longer journey. the driver later said that the journey will take about 3 hours. fine.

so we sat there on the frontmost sits on the top of a double decker bus. i was lost with the beautiful view. the bus went to various small villages, with various colourful moors, various small cottages. it was amazingly beautiful. he seemed to enjoy the view as well. i looked at him then looked straight back again. a very nice guy is sitting beside me, i thought. a very nice guy.

we arrived Stanford upon Avon on early afternoon. the view was breathtaking. there was a lake which separates the famous shakespear playhouse and the town. we sat by the lake and realised there were some pink swans swimming gracefully on the lake. we didnt have much money ourselves back then, so we bought a sandwich and a drink and shared them between us. we didnt talk much and spent our time enjoying the view. then we went to the playhouse and walked around town .

we decided to go back at 4ish and took the right bus this time. the journey back was uneventful but i couldnt help myself but thinking about the nice guy. this nice guy. 'my' nice guy. or was he not mine? he used to be mine but i just let him slipped away. not just that, i was cruel to him. i found it hard to give my heart away. i wasnt ready for a relationship at all, but this wasnt an excuse to be cruel. and i knew he didnt deserve that. he is such a kind-hearted guy. i looked at him again and thought, 'gosh, i think i like this guy..hm..not sure. but he's definitely gonna take good care of me until i'm old and wrinkle'. exact words. kinda funny.

a few days later i went back to newcastle. a month after that he called and said he wanted to come to newcastle. we met and he, for the second time, opened him heart again to the girl who broke his heart before. i went silent and i felt that i really really dont want to hurt him again. ever again. because he is such a nice guy and he doesnt deserve me. but i do think i like him this time. really, genuinely like him. but i wasnt too sure though. i closed my eyes and i knew he was being honest too. he was taking a great risk of being hurt again, by the same girl. we had a long talk and decided to let time decide. he went back to conventry again.

1 day. 2 days. a week. i just carried on with my life but i couldnt forget the stanford trip. and i couldnt stop thinking about him either. i made up my mind and called him. he felt the same. both of us agreed to take our relationship further, but this time, slower but serious. we visited each other at least once a month and became really close friends.

he was there when i was ill. he was there to cuddle me when i felt lonely. he was there when i was down. he was there to hold my hand. he was there to wept my tears. he was there to listen whenever i need someone to talk to. he was there too when i had my regular pms. when i had my tantrums. he was there with red roses waiting for my arrival at the train station. or when he arrived at newcastle. how could i not possibly fall in love with this guy?

he wasnt ugly at all. i like his eyebrows and his eyes. quite a wide forehead. big nose. warm smile. patient. nice height, with a nice pair of shoulders for me to lean. with such a big warm heart, he is definitely not ugly. not ever.

when his mum put a ring onto my left wedding ring last summer, he made me the happiest girl.

for the first time, i felt safe. protected. he touched my heart like no other. i love to spend my whole life with him. i want to take good care of him, until he is old and wrinkle. cant wait.

obviously yesterday wasnt the bestest day of my life. like someone said - it's a fucking shit kinda fuck up life. life is tough - everyone knows that, or maybe except paris hilton, and sometimes it gets tooo complicated and tangled you just dont know where to begin. if there is such thing as afterlife, like a dear friend of mine mentioned, i dont think i want to live, again. once is definitely enough.

as i have sworn myself not to be in that 'state' again, i promise myself to try to overcome this obstacle. i really dont want to be in that state again, it wasnt pleasant at all. yeah, i guess i have to wear a mask to hide my true feeling, it's hard, cause that's hypocracy by my definition, but i think it's for the best. a friend used to tell me that my face is like a glass, it will reflect my true emotional state at that time. gosh..is it true?

about my previous entry, the girl that i referred to was not you. nor you. neither you. nope, not even you haha. tak tipu sih. she's just another malay girl in newcastle, who is k-poh and no one likes her. wei, the last statement wasnt mine, somebody told me, so dont blame me aa. anyway, since no one knows her (honestly, it's not you haha), so ok la kan for me to put that statement haha.

to cheer things up, i just like to list 3 things that

i like to eat
1. kentucky fried chicken. it's my favourite food in the world!
2. haagen dazs's belgian chocolate. sedap gile. but they just stopped producing it sob sob..complaint! but seriously, it's the best ice-cream ever ever
3. Nescafe Cappucino Decaffeinated. i just discovered this..it's the best drink ever made!

you might not know about me
1. i'm very superstitious. i read my horoscope everyday and i jolt down my dreams. but i dont go palm reading or other supernatural stuff..my dad does :p
2. 9 out of 10 of bus trips i'll be sitting on the left side of the bus
3. i hate my nose, just feel like i want to cabut it and put another one

you might know about me
1. i like pink. so much. it hurts. it's embarasing
2. i can never wear sandals. because i need to wear socks.
3. i believe that Harry Potter exists.

i'm used to be good at, but now it is wasted
1. maths..dont ever mention this word in front of me again sob sob..kecewaaaa
2. needle and craft works. dont think i have time to do this
3. sports. i'm used to do athletics at school, was pretty good with it, hard to believe eh

okla, cukup kot.
have a nice weekend everyone.

ps: managed to play naruto in my laptop, yey!

there are a few reasons for why this blog is no longer regular like it used to:

1. i discovered more people actually care enough to read this blog. pastuh regular visitor plak tuh. pastuh hafal every detail tuh. felt like i have a stalker. i dont mean da bitch, but there is another girl in newcastle. scary. tu baru newcastle.. then if it is viewed by my friends kat mesia ke, kat us ke, ie no eye-to-eye contact tu ok gak la, but some of the readers are those who live close to me. and they told me they read this, this and this, and actually asked for explanation and discussion. and this blog is supposed to contain nothing but my inner thoughts? scary. this blog has lost its purpose..dono..there is no privacy anymore

2. my exam is just around the corner, so i'm quite bz myself doing stuff that i'm supposed to do lah

3. something heavy and serious came out and it kept on bugging my head. it's a family stuff and hell no, i wont write it here, tho i want to. see? i want to write it down, but i cant. dammit. but that's not my point here. right now i got other stuff in my head, the fact that my mum wont talk to me, and being a weakling myself, i cant concentrate whatsoever to do whatsoever, so besides that, i'm fineeee..yeah rite

4. i'm not coping like i'm supposed to when there are changes in my life. i'm an independent person, or like, i used to huh. but being back home with family and friends for quite sometime made me used to the presence of a company. i'm not independent anymore. dammit. i'm still trying to kick this thick skull of mine that i need to go shopping alone now

enough said. ngantuk sih. tomoro's another day. hate myself for complaining and whinging sigh..

dammit blogspot. i made an entry this morning and pooff..'blogspot is currently under construction whatsoever and the engineers are now trying to fix it'.. wtf? panas aa cam nih..

should i or should i not write it again? waste my time.. bengang bengang

it's bloody cold like now. i'm freezing! got to put 3 socks, honestly, to warm my feet. think i'll get a fleece rob tomoro huh, just like ellina's. tak tahan weh..it's the coldest winter ever! maybe becos this year i have a bigger room than previous years. tak tahan gile sejuk brrrr..

tengok...tade mood langsung nk tulis what so ever! blame blogspot guys..

ngantuk sih.. it's only half 10 but i'm sleepy already. hm..maybe becos i went to tesco to do some food shopping earlier and bought more food that i expected and had to pikul those all the way from tesco gateshead to fenham...hmm dono why aa i choose tesco? i always go to tesco, at least once every fortnite for buy food stuff. i like tesco as it is big + full of food choices, but not too big like asda when i can get lost easily, or too small like safeway newcastle, or morrison nowadays. or maybe becos tesco is the place where azali and i used to shop. tesco in coventry is like fenham to castle leazes, and it's 24 hours, so we used to shop there at odd hours, like 2-3 in the morning and felt as if the whole supermarket were ours! hehe such a nice memory. well, i do like tesco, and although i have to take a bus and a metro to reach tesco gateshead, i will still go there and enjoy my time pushing the trolley alone and pretend that azali is there too, like old days :)

ellina has officially moved to glasgow last weekend. she rent a car, and kak syikin, the driver, asked me to accompany her on the way back from glasgow to newcastle. it was a pleasant journey and it was nice to meet oja and yunie again. we went to our usual spots whenever we went to big cities; wagamama, mng and nine west stores. cool. mng will be opening their store in metro centre soon (yey10x) and i really really hope wagamama will open theirs soon (hard luck..newcastle is not that big huhu). well, you cant have everything, cant you? at least mng will be here soon and whittard also has just opened a branch in eldon sq. cool.

went to see the incredibles just now with ct and yus. the cinema was packed with children. fact: i dont like children haha. and i cant even pretend i like them haha. movie wise, it was good. good good. 7.5 out of 10. i had a good laugh and enjoyed the movie.

have been waiting for raya pics from ct to put some in here, but she seems quite bz. and i'm not in a rush what so ever, so no pressure aa ct. i know you got some other stuff to do and yus seemed occupied as well. tappo la. me and my camera-less..

tomorrow is the notts games. i heard some of my old kmys frens are coming to notts, sori guys, i need to have some rest this weekend. the last 2 weekends was filled, so this week i shall stay in newcastle. huhu wanting to see laila and her baby sakinah..perhaps next time heh..

ngantuk sih..tomoro got my usual routine back. go to work in monkseaton until 2, maybe go to library? haha fat chance..since i just received my gaji today ehhehe metro centre anyone?

nite nite

today's azali's birthday. Happy Birthday, dear..

(he's 3 months younger than me hehe)

i have been trying to find (not make! hehe) a suitable poem for him. i like poetry (what? surprised? me too hehe but i actually do like poetry) the problem is that i dont like at all jiwang2 or sentimental stuff. i actually laughed my head off last night for the poems that i found in the internet...euww till now still leh rase remang geli geleman when i thought about it hehe. well, since i havent bought anything for him, not even a card, so i think i should, at least, wish him and write something nice for him. he said he wasnt bothered at all about this birthday thingy, but last night he did called and i think he hope to hear my wish for him.

so..over thousands (kidding..i only read a few dozens) of poems, i still couldnt find any suitable poem for him. i like simple words, with simple meaning, not too jiwang weh. eventually i found one that i like..

I Love You Forever

Because you are so
warm
passionate &
tender

Because you are so
wild
silly &
exciting

Because you make me laugh
when i'm crying

Because you understand me
when no one else does

I love you more than life
and will love you forever

Happy Birthday, honey


i am lucky to have met him.

he made me a better person.

:D

helo again

the last blog has created such a controversy (haha it's not intended!) and i decided to stop my haloscan aka comments space tu. well, the real story was that yesterday i received a rather nasty/lucah/you named it comment. it was written in malay, and i find malay rude words rather disturbing, tho it means the same as the english words. like the word 'bitch', we used it all the time, but not 'sundal' or 'jalang' which are quite harsh, to me, tho it means the same. and rude words in malay always focus on male or female genitalia... hmm wonder why..but that's not my point. so..yesterday i received this nasty comment from an 'anonymous'..surprise surprise..well, i'm not accusing anyone or give out names. well, you see, i asked a few of my friends for their view of my last blog, they said it was ok and non-offensive what so ever, mainly because the story wasnt about them at all. and they said, of course the person who i refer to will terasa + bengang kot

'sape makan cili, die yg rase pedas'

for me, you shouldnt be angry on any accusation or rumours if it is untrue. but if it IS true, then you will have a reason to be angry or pissed. logic la kan. straight forward.

yesterday wasnt productive at all. i went back from hosp and found out about the nasty comment in my blog and went speechless. honestly, i was shaken and had to stay under my dovey for several hours. i wasnt angry though if you asked me, i was shocked and shaken and scared. i was shocked for the words used in the comment. i felt sick and feverish. only after i spoke to ellina then i calmed down and managed to sleep with paracetamol.

i didnt know why i was shocked, shaken and scared, maybe because i'm not used to those nasty words. i didnt think that my last blog was offensive, it was a story, my story about this one girl. and i didnt give out who she was. but ellina told me the blog was very descriptive (hmm)..true also.

but i think i'm okey now. i went back home for the afternoon to find time to talk to azali (hei anonymous..i DO have somebody who like me tho i'm dead ugly, and i dont have to fuck someone to get them commited to me). his voice soothed me instantly and i couldnt stop talking for 10 minutes. i thought he was gonna scold me sarcastically as he once warned me about the 'danger' of having a blog. although i didnt understand what he was trying to say at that time, but i knew he meant well, and then Dhush..all of these happened. tu la, lain kali dgr ckp org. but azali didnt say that. he calmly said that i shouldnt worry and i can tell that anonymous that i have indeed someone who likes me. he said jangan layan diaorg, people like that not worth for me to feel sad.

to some of my friends, thank for standing behind me (you guys INDEED stand behind me when everyone read my blog haha). some says i'm opinionated, hmm i think it's true. i cant help it though, but i hope i wont offend anyone for being who i am (but if it offends da bitch, i dont mind haha). i try to keep things to myself, and i try to not be opinionated all the times, but sometimes i just couldnt help it especially when a person/situation/whatever disturbs me or my life. for example yeah, i knew about the topic on my last blog ages ago, but i didnt bother to write it down cos 1) it waste my time 2) past is past 3)i dont care. but when she starts disturbing my life by telling my friends who she met elsewhere that we are friends and she knew this, this and this via my blog, it pisses me off and then..the rest is history. maybe i was lancang..i admit that. but i wont apologise for being honest

i have been reluctant to write this blog lately, as it was used by some people inappropriately. they read this blog and know about certain part of my life, and when they meet my actual frens, whether in newcastle, london or kl, they pretend that they know me and try to 'link' themselves to my frens in order to create topics of conversation. i dont like that, especially when these people are the people that i dont like. mind you, there is not that many people that i dont like in this world, so when i decide to not liking them, they must have done something serious and bad to me. out of these people, i can say i really really dont like (other word: hate) only 1 person, while the others are just some people who i dont really click, or such a k-poh, have bigger mouth that their head etc ie some of their character i dont like or prefer, eg the girl from my hosp group. and i dont actually hate these people, i just dont prefer them. but this 1 person, she really hurted me and betrayed my trust. i stood beside her for 2 years and trusted her, and i thought i was her friend, but she actually stabbed my back slowly without me realising it.

she made me promised not to tell anyone about her boyfren staying with her and she said she didnt do any sinful thing with him. and i trusted her. you see, i'm not the kind of person who bother much about what other people's doing, as long as it doesnt involve me. i dont care, and i really dont want to care, if she does something/anything with her bf, but please dont involve me into it. but she told me right in front of my face that she was not doing anything. fine. and eventually, somebody knew about them (it wasnt me, dono, somebody caught her doing 'suspicious' things in town/park, dono) and they asked me various questions about her and her bf, as she lives with me. and being a trustful friend, i told them what i thought was the truth. and i hate this. i dont like being org tgh. i dont like to get involve. i just like to mind my own business.

and honestly, i dont know the truth. i heard various romours about her and again, being a trustful friend, i ignored all these as i trusted her. but then action speaks louder than words. i didnt know what happened, i wasnt sure whether she changed into a different person or it was me who being blind all this time. someone caught her kissing in front of our flat's door and heard various 'suspicious' sounds from her room. i didnt hear it myself, so i didnt take this seriously. then she became so big headed. she accused several new students for something bad, like accused them for being berlagak for their richness (??) or trying to steal someone's bf etc. curiously, all of these victims of her are beautiful girls (hmm..). and she started to bully other girls as well like asking them to go student office, which is quite far, to pay for her flat rent. and she started to act weird as well. she started to go out with other guys, i mean 1 to 1 dates, and she told me it was entirely innocent and asked me to tell her current bf at that time that she wasnt home. in other words, she asked me to lie to her bf. hmm... i guess it was my fault too, cos i was being too ignorant. i hate lying, it is not a good thing, and being asked to lie for somebody else..i dont like it even more. fine, i did that for her, one, becos i trust her, second, i dont want to invite more questions or prolong conversation.

and she became weirder and weirder. and had an even bigger head. she acted as if the whole house was hers. lots of things happened and i dont want to sound childish here by mentioning every small details that happened. do you want to know when did i realise my foolness? it was when she, me and this new girl, s, who just came to uk for several month and lived with us, had a 'discussion'. she accused s for being berlagak, saying that s berlagak over brands and her richness. hmm..i lived with s as well and knew her and we went out sometimes too but how come i didnt realise this? hmm. this so called discussion took place in my room, as s, confused about the accussion, went to see her and me in my room. i remembered she sat on my bed, me on my bean bag, and s who couldnt stop crying and sat on the floor near the door. s kept on apologizing and crying, i started to feel sory for s, but she just sat firmly on the bed without a smile at all. at that time, it suddenly clicked. i said to myself 'hei, look at this, one girl crying and apologizing, and the other girl just sat on the bed with an ignorance face and continued saying bad things to the other girl and said 'FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I AM RICH', even a blind person knows who is right and who is being big headed'. i started to think and asked myself to stop being ignorant and blind. and thank god. i later become a very good friend with s and she is one of the most wonderful person that i ever knew.

and she become worse and worse. she broke up with her bf and coupled with the guy who she secretly dated at her bf's back. and this happened several times, with 4 different guys, can you believe that? like she secretly dated b at a's back, then dump a and coupled with b. then she secretly dated c at b's back, then dump b to be with c. then she secretly dated d at c's back, dump c to be with d. bizzarre wasnt it? well, i know some people are not that lucky in relationship, but if it's 4 boys in 4 years, that is no one's fault but hers. fine, fine, you might say i am jealous with her for having lots of secret admirer and i dont have that, but believe me, i dont. i really dont. although she once accused me, her trustful friend who stood by her all this time, for being jealous of her having all this attention from the boys, i really dont. i was heartbroken when she accused me for that. i thought i was her friend. and that all the things that i did for her, it was based on trust and friendship. she's a changed person. she keeps on telling other people about the 'true' meaning of friendship and trust, but when actually she doesnt know anything about it. she assumes being friends are when somebody will do ALL things for her, like carry her shopping bags, wash her pans and plates, lie for her and keep on agreeing with her, no matter whether she's right or wrong. for me, a friend is someone who will stand by you and will smack you hard if you do wrong things. a friend is someone who you would like to hear their news and whereabout. not just becos they have an apartment in london and that she can used it when she come to london. or not just becos they are less than you eg less pretty, have bigger body size etc so that you can feel better about yourself when you hang around with that friend. being friend is about honesty. like, if your friend want to terjun lombong, dont go and terjun too, that stupidity. advised her to not terjun, drag her if you must, or give her a hard smack at the back for being foolish to want to terjun lombong. being a friend is not all about agreeing what they said, it's about being with them and correct them over their stupidity. harsh, but that is what a friend is for

and you know what? her housemates move out of their house every year, not just that, but all of her ex housemates complained about the same thing. even a blind and deaf person knows who is wrong and who is right

after knowing this girl, and not liking, or more, hating her, and she keeps on telling other people that she and i are friends, that's annoying. i'm really annoyed of this, especially when she used this blog of mine to keep up to date about me and used it to tell other people that we are friends becos she knows this, this and this about me. fuck off bitch

i lost my purse.

my new black leather square purse which mama bought me last summer.

along with abah's credit card, my solo and switch, my vodafone topup card, my mas enrich card, my examination card and 25 quids.

luckily i had my student card in my coat as i used it earlier to enter the library.

it was my fault mainly, but of course the person who took it was to be blamed as well.

it is pointless to write about the whole accident, basically i carelessly left my purse unattended for less than 10 minutes and the rest is history.

honestly, i am pissed, right to this very moment. i have never lost a purse before. this is personal stuff. i am sad mainly because of 2 things; one, there is abah's credit card inside. i respect this guy. he is the person who i look up the most. and making him angry or dissappointed is the last thing in my mind, especially after he trusts me by giving me his credit card. second, the purse was a gift from the person who i love most in this whole world. it was her purse initially, but she gave it to me. it meant a lot to me. a lot.

i'm crying over my lost purse. let me be.

this might not sound appropriate, but my mind like to hop from 1 topic to another, sometimes with no connection or reason at all. here goes:

period pain. adoi, ni la akibatnye ngidam nenas last saturday, i ate the whole biji on my own. the next day, yup, overflowding menstruation (i tried to write this as polite and appropriate as possible haha). ari ni gak, takleh concentrate whatsoever kat kelas, nasib tade kelas petang..

hate new shoes, always melecetkan kaki. always. always. damn. clarks or no clarks, samo je

M&S plum i like

damn mark darcy. why does he has to be so nice? guys like that are non-existance i tell you huh. i watched bridget jones 2 yesterday with my housemates. it was hilarious, personally i think it was a good movie. except rene zelwenger's acting was a bit weird, dono. i give the movie 7 out of 10, which i think is quite high for a chick flick movie which i dont usually prefer. hugh grant was with his usual charm, but the hero of the day was colin firth (who?) yup, he's a british actor, and i'm not a british guy fan, and will never do... err..that was my initial thought..b4 watching this movie! he plays mark darcy, a big lawyer who loves the clumsy bridget. dah la macho, smart gile ngn suit die, handsome, macho + lagi, cool, matured, hulk <-- nice body huh, tall and macho++++ lagi!!! waaa...cair...i enjoyed the whole movie. but then a weird thing happened when the movie finished. i felt sad, and empty. and i wish i didnt watch the movie earlier. i wish i watch the movie with azali. sob sob miss him. tape, i just talked to him just now, and he promised to watch the dvd with me in malaysia :)

i should have gone to the library this afternoon if it was not because of my tummy pain and feet. arghh waste some more time.

it's pretty damn cold outside, or is it just me? sejok gila.... think i'm going to get flu..runny nose, sore throat...

i'm going to sambut raya this sunday in a stadium! haha. thanks to ct and yus, they managed to get me a ticket to watch newcastle united match against manchester united this sunday. and i dont know anything about football, i tell you. nope, not even the players' names. ronnie wayne, maybe, that's all. hmm..alan shearer? who else who else...maybe i'll visit both teams' websites later to, at least, know the names of the players, or i'll annoy someone on that day for asking too many questions....

spent some time with mu' on saturday and sunday. she was my classmate back in mrsm taiping. i never realise how funny and nice she was until i met her again last year. we werent that close back then, no one's fault. dono. i wasnt close to anyone back then. maybe it was my fault..?

have i changed? i honestly dont know. i met my recent circle of friends after i came to newcastle, ie 4 years ago. so basically i cant ask them whether i have changed or not. so i ask mu'. she said i changed 360 degrees from the old me that she knew 7 years ago. what?? i never realise that. is it because of the scarf-less me? or maybe because i wear lipstick now? has my style changed? well, you cant expect me to wear kurung + tudung tutup dada + black stoking + black shoes like in taiping, can you? mama said i changed a lot after meeting azali. hmm..tak perasan plak, but since she has mentioned about it, yup, i think i do changed. i talk in a nicer and softer way, i guess. and i start to respect people more. and appreciate ppl more. and i am more considerate. and i think i smile a lot more after i met him... :)

naruto..bile la manga die nk kuar? ceh after elina pie glasgow, i'll be watching naruto anime alone ceh ceh. be strong naruto, and pie bantai sasuke. kakashi, get a gf haha. sakura, i hope you grow up and be mature and stop crying over sasuke.

bile la elina nk pangge tgk smallvile? hmm

hmm..think i should stop now. and do some reading. should ask ct someday to help me practise my examination. i hope she doesnt mind, but she's final year, must be quite bz huh? hmm..

i did all these in 1/2 an hour. see how my mind keep on hopping from 1 topic to another? man this is exhausting..

i know i should have slept now, it's half one in the morning, but i am tempted to write my blog. i'll try to finish this asap as i need to go to work and cook laksa for 9 ppl tomoro for buka posa.

it had been very cold here in newcastle for these past few days . i tend to have some nagging pain at my shoulders everytime i feel cold. i cant even put a tiny handbag on my shoulder as it hurts so much. that's why i dont like winter. besides that, i cant wait for the snow. hihi i know it's quite early to expect for snow, but i'm pretty sure time will fly quickly and before you know it, it's christmas hehehe.

ct cooked some delicious food today for buke posa. her ayam kicap + chillie was soo good, and i ate sooooo much. yum yum. plus her choco cake some more waaa.. she cooked and baked for amelin's birthday which is today. after eating, we played harry potter's trivia board game, which the old house tenant had left behind. we had such a good laugh playing the game which required good knowledge of harry potter 2. ha ha, let me re-remind you, yus..me and shanti won 6 games over 4!! haha. saje nk kacau die haha. we really had some fun tonight. i felt so blessed having a brunch of nice friends here :)

tomoro i'll be cooking for them. my initial plan is to invite mu' to my new house and have a nice chat with her to catch up some gossips about our previous school. but since elina will be moving to glasgow soon for her work placement and she keeps on telling me how she misses laksa, and ct had cooked for the whole house today, so i think i might just as well cook for everybody tomoro. i like to cook, but my main concern is that i never cook laksa before. well, i think i'll stick to the recipe book precisely hehehe.

i received my first kad raya today! it's from jiman, my dearest bro. siap music2 lagi hehe. he's such a thoughtful brother. i just sent him a present yesterday; it's an organiser. he'll be graduating soon, ie next march for his degree, and will become Kapten Ridzman soon. waa..he'll continue the family tradition i assume, as my dad used to work for TUDM as well. wish jiman the very happiness in life :)

i hope to receive some kuih raya from my mum and azali soon. cant wait for tat nenas! i'm not sure what will azali send me, but as long as it's kuih raya, makan je. kad raya? last year azali sent me a card which is soo jiwang2, it made me laugh my head off so dont think he'll send a jiwang2 card this year. but never say never. die tu bukan leh pakai hehe

think i'm off to bed now. waaa..my night light had burnt yesterday and i forgot to get another one. how can i sleep without a night light? hmm..there is always the study lamp hehe

good nite everyone! have a nice weekend :)

adoi kenyang nyer..burpp..heheh excuse me aa. i just ate the whole garlic bread and a can of sweet corn plus a mug of warm decaf nescafe. the garlic bread was supposed to cook in the oven, but naturally, i wasnt patient enuff to wait for my food (10 minutes je dhoh..tak sabo gile) and put the bread into the microwave instead! haha. well i'm pretty sure the bread has been cooked b4 it got freezed, so no worry about makanan mentah. but the bread was surely liat! haha. and ate sweet corn directly from the can? it's so typical me haha. ok kot for tomoro. if lapar lagi, there are chocolates! haha. although in the past i tend to diet, like eat boiled brocoli for several months (sad isnt it) but now i'm not that fussy about my body size. of course la as a normal girl you tend to worry when your fav shirt or jeans begin to tight, but alhamdullillah, it doesnt happen that often. tho i still wish to fit into my levi type1 jeans size 26 like i used to...

here are some random things that keep on bugging my head:

• dreamt of azali's mum last night. it wasnt scary, she was nice in that dream (i only met her twice). she hugged me and wished for my wellbeing. nice one :)

• i have a dry cough for several weeks now. it's kinda embarrasing when you cough while you meet your patient. since i cant drink, the cough keeps on and on for several minutes. kat umah takmo batuk plak sih

• my mock test is next week. surprisingly, i'm not that worried. it's not overconfident you see, but i think i manage my time well (well, that's what i think..yup..maybe i AM overconfident dhoh) for these past few weeks

• worried about mara. i'm scared to call or email them about my scholarship. for these past few month, i rely totally on my dad. dont like it. think i'll send mara an email after this. i've already sent and faxed the particular details to them a couple of months ago, but i think i should ask them anyway

• think i'll lose my close fren soon. well, i dont think i'll lose her, she's just moving away. she ain't going anywhere far, just to glasgow, but that is still quite far from newcastle, and she'll be very busy soon. hilang geng kat sini. oh i'm just being selfish again. i'm truly happy for her to get the job. hei, be thankful, at least she's in glasgow, not malaysia! haha, guess i'll be visiting glasgow more often then. oh i'm just being sentimentol again haha

• think my pms is over now. okey la tu. having pms, then somebody calling you 'stupid' and 'bitch' is SO not good. my anger was sooo up to the roof. then somebody forced me to get into her car..is like tuang minyak gas 1 kole to my so-called api kemarahan. then somebody kept on 'bombarding' my phone to apologise, is like..tuang minyak 1 tong. then somebody sent a txt wrote 'oh i used to call my close frens stupid and bitch all the time, it was a joke, and i consider you as one of my close fren'...ARRGHHH..it felt like somebody tuang minyak gas 1 lori!!... and then somebody kept on tuang minyak lagi and lagi and lagi and lagi and that somebody was the same annoying girl from my hosp group. first, i dont like to be forced..pekak ke..how many times do i have to tell you? two, when i'm angry, just leave me alone and dont try to apologise. three, dont send me stupid txt and four, I'M NOT YOUR CLOSE FREN, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE

• i wonder why 6 out of 7 blogs by med students write about medicine? like stuff on the hosp/clinic etc that they did that day? mmg chenta hati betul ngn medicine huh. wish i can be like that. i like medicine (i think..hmm more like i hope..) but surely i'm not obsessed with it. oh well, it's their blog anyway

• azali is 11 000km away from me. FACT

• havent seen azali for 2 months and 10 days. FACT

• hari raya is next week. and i dont feel a thing

think i need to sleep now. have a glass of milk every night b4 i sleep, it helps me wake up in the morning, seriously...

emo..emo..emo..go away please..feeling sad, and sad, and sad, and sad again..over stupid things..stupid..cant control my emotion now..excessively emotional..i hate losing control..stupid me :(

need to shut myself out from the outside world

..how fast time flows eh...and it's monday tomorrow. had a nice weekend, a relaxing one. i didnt do much, especially today when i know i have an extra hour to spare, as they begin to change to winter time. talked to my dear jiman and kak lysa this afternoon, it was good to talk to them. jiman is such a good brother, he never fail sending me kad raya + small presents every year. i am the closest to him after my mum, i know he looks up at me. kak lysa said that i was the only one in our siblings who can live together with jiman without getting to each other's nerves. maybe it was because we grew up together, went to school together or maybe because we are both Leos. dono, maybe we are just compatible.

everytime b4 my menstrual period, my emotion become unstable, ie pms la. sometimes i get annoyed so easily, the other time i get so riang gembire tak tentu pasal, and sometimes i just want to be left alone and dont want to talk to anyone. and sometimes i get too excessively emotional. that is what exactly happen to me right now. i was listening to lionel richie's Still when suddenly i burst into tears (...). i was doing my weekly food shopping the other day in Tesco and saw a bottle of milk and remembered kak lysa who really like milk and i got tears in my eyes. being in Tesco alone made me sad too, as me and azali tend to go shopping at Tesco in coventry. one simple thing leads to other events and so on and b4 i could control it, it happen. i dont know, i suddenly feel soo sad, i can even feel as if my chest remuk to thousand pieces, more or less like that lah. same thing happen to me whenever, wherever i see any old people. i just want to help them in any possible way. mind you, i didnt view them as those who need my help, but i just care about them soo much. overflowing emotion, i might say..

i always have a soft spot towards old people. i mean really old people, like 60++ in age. i dont know why, but they are the first group of strangers who i really care, genuinely (remember my 'i dont care, i dont want to care' blog? haha). one thing i like in medicine is that most of the patients are old people. i dont know, i just care about them. i can speak to them for hours, hear their stories and smile to them from the bottom of my heart. from their silver hair, nice rimmed glasses to their fluffy bedroom slippers, i like these people. their smell didnt bother me a bit. i think they are idols; to have lived to their age and survived this mad world, i salute them. i'm beginning to consider geriatric as my option in the future..

look, i do care about other people. i know my previous entry has been a bit harsh, but at least i was being honest. like oja said, i care about other people but i tend not to show it. and i like to be in control of my decision. i want to choose those who i want to care, and i want to decide whether they can care for me or not. like that annoying girl from my hospital group who i once wrote in this blog, she's ok actually, except that she assumed that we were best friends. i can accept the fact that we are friends, but please dont overdo it, terkinja2 want to be my friend, i seriously dont like that. i'm the kind of person who need to have my own space. and i choose my friends, sound a bit harsh huh. what if that chosen person dont want to be my friend? i'm totally fine with that, honestly, no hard feeling at all, as it's your decision. tak lose ape2 pun.

good nite everyone

i'm not sure what brings in on, but i think of my dear old friends a lot recently.

i went to my kampung's tadika kemas when i was 6 years old. it was a small tadika and i met my earlier friends there. there was a girl name yati, who was very manja. i found out one day that she didnt have a father and that she was the only child. her mother pampered her so much. and i was a natural nakal girl, i hate manja2 girl, tak cool huh. i remembered my mum forcing me to be friend with yati, but being a natural degil myself, i didnt like being friends with a manja+ngengada girl. i wasnt close to anyone, but there was a girl who was very smart in my class. she got short hair and a very slim body. she performed better than me, in many ways, and she got the 2nd place in the overall performance, while i only managed to get 5th. i respected this girl. 18 years later, i found out from my nenek that yati and the short haired girl had became teachers in my kampung's secondary school. i wasnt surprised with yati, but i thought the short-haired girl got much more potential than that. i know i cant judge her with her 6-year-old's performance, but i'm pretty sure about her potential. i couldnt help but thinking that if the short haired girl was born in a city, she would have a better future.

my family moved to kuantan soon after i finished my tadika. we stayed in a military camp for 4 years. there was even a primary school inside the camp. i met siti maslina, a very beautiful girl who got some mat saleh features in her. our mums were best friends and they expected us to click too. i liked her, she was nice, but i thought i was too ugly and comot to be her friend. i was indeed very comot and dirty, almost all the time. both of us had the same short name, 'nina'. to make it easier, everybody called me 'nina selamat' and her, 'nina alwi', based on our fathers' names. i met a girl named rina as well, our mums were best friends too, but rina was a very dependent girl. she would follow me everywhere, everytime. well, you see,i tend to get 'rimas' easily, and i told rina to stop following me. and she told her mum about this. the next morning her mum waited for her in the canteen during recess period. me and my selamba face haha. little did i knew that her mum reported me to my mum. apa lagi, balik rumah kene aa bantai. siti maslina is now taking masters in upm and rina is in uia taking accountancy. rina has an older sister named linda. linda was sooo smart, beautiful and soo popular as well. she got the top place in her year and became the head student as well. i went to linda's wedding last summer. she's now working as an accountant for petronas. i remember her lending me her barbie doll to play with rina :)

in the middle of standard 4, my family moved to ampang, kl and stayed there until i finished upsr. i didnt like ampang's girls. they were cruel people, tak tipu. they only hanged out with those who got something, like some big colour pencils, have a huge garden etc. i cant recall anyone who is significant. until very recently, thanks to the birth of broadband, i managed to keep in touch with a boy from my school. we were never in the same class, but he once wrote my autograph. last year's summer, hafiz went to the uk to visit her aunt and came to newcastle to visit me. a nice and shy guy. we didnt talk much back then, and last summer we talked a lot. it was nice to hear from him.

i had to live with my nenek in kampung for a year with kak lysa, as abah had to go to uk for his masters and brought along mama, jiman and iwan. i met zuhaila there, a typical kampung girl. beautiful, timid, hitam manis and never go out of her kampung. quite a proper girl, who speaks gently, plus proper manner too. she was a nice friend. we tried to keep in touch but lost somewhere in the middle, mainly because my family tend to move around a lot. but since she lives in my kampung where almost everyone is related, i managed to get some news about her. she tried to continue her study but stucked with her failed bm in spm. she's now married to a local guy. i'm pretty sure she has her own children now. hmm..think i'll ask nenek about her the next time i balik kampung.

then, we moved again, this time to butterworth, penang, and lived there for a year (sigh). i really like seberang perai. nice place, very cheap food and the people are just the best. they are very humble, and quite religious too. ha ha i can remember being the only girl who didnt wear tudung, in the whole school! dono how i coped with that. i met my first best friend, her name was chin mee ree. she was one of the best student, yet she was soo humble. i never knew any chinese who was as humble and kind as her. i never knew anyone who is equel to me. we studied together, hanged out together, went to shopping together. she was the first friend who i invited to my house. she was so sad when my family moved (again) to kuantan. we tried to keep in touch, but somehow it lost somewhere in the middle. i last heard from her several years ago, she went to study in dundee in engineering. we tried to meet up, but tak jadi, dono what happen. now i totally lost her. miss you, mee ree.

then, (sigh) i went to a chinese school in kuantan at the end of form 3. it was soo close to pmr, no school was dare enough to accept any new student. i went there for 2 months, took pmr and went to form4 for a while. the school was shocked for my result, with my history of moving around, they thought i had a bad record or something. i went to form4 for a while but then i was denied to enter 4science1. the school authorities gave me various lame excuses, but the true story was that they wanted all students in 4science 1 to be chinese (my form3 class was the 3rd class, you know). i was soo damn angry; with my result, i can choose any class. stupid school. racism. i didnt plan to go to any boarding school initially, but my form3 malay teacher had forced me to apply for mrsm just b4 pmr. although i can change to another school in kuantan, but my dad just received a new posting which is in kl (again). i know that by the middle of form4, my family will be moving out again. the only solution was to put me into a boarding school. so i went to mrsm taiping for 2 years and met most of my recent friends there. i didnt know that mrsm taiping was one of the best school in the country at that time, i went there because that was the only offer that i got. i remember how my parents were shocked when they heard the headmaster mentioned about this. if a normal secondary school aims to get a 100% pass in spm, in this school, the aim is to get 100% 12aggregates and below. gilo apo. cuak gile. i still got the shivers until now.

i didnt get close to anyone in particular while in taiping. me and my 'halimunan-ness' haha. i tend to hang out with a girl in my class, my deskmate actually and we lived in the same dorm. rozian is a jawa girl like me, and our kampungs are quite close to each other. she has a round face and is a down to earth person. very independent as well. we last met 2 years ago and i promised to invite her to my wedding and vice versa :)

to my dear old friends, i wish you the very best of luck in your future. thanks for being part of my life :) i miss you guys, wherever you are

**[spell your name backwards]
anaylle <--cool, i think

**[the story behind your email address]
there were 3 ellys back in college. 503 was the name my class

**[where do you live?]
a rented house in newcastle

DESCRIBE YOUR...
**[wallet]
black leather purse which mama bought for me last summer

**[shoes]
which pair?

**[favourite shirt]
a levi shirt from his and hers matching shirts. azali got 1 too :)

**[piercing]
right ear lobe

**[hair]
straight. you guessed it...rebonding aa

**[makeup]
lipstick. lancome has the best lipstick ever ever

**[something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]
mm..christmas hols maybe..nk cuti!!

**[something that you are deathly afraid of?]
pacat. worms.

**[do you believe in love]
a ha

**[do you believe in forgiveness]
yes but to forget is something else

**[where are 3 places you wouldn't mind relocating to]
anywhere in malaysia
anywhere near shopping complexes
anywhere near halal foods

**[favorite food?]
ayam kentucky yum yum

**[is there something you wish you could understand better]
life..why does it has to be complicated

**[my father thinks i am]
degil, moody, easy to talk to

**[my mother thinks i am]
degil, moody, good shopping partner

**[my siblings think i am]
degil, moody, perabih duit mama abah :p

**[best qualities]
dono..easy to talk to, maybe? but not when i'm in a bad mood lah

**[worst qualities]
degil + moody tahap 10 (both)

**[i get embarrassed when]
i cant find the word i'm trying to say. mental block

**[what makes me happy]
when my day is productive

**[upsets me]
seeing ninie

DO
**[you like to cook ]
yes

**[you have a secret you have not shared with anyone]
yup

LAST
**[song you listened to]
lionel richie's Still

**[person you've called]
azali

**[person that's called you]
rifit (my coursemate)

**[person u sms]
azali

**[TV show you've watched]
eastenders (soap drama..very popular woo in uk ahaks)

**[thing you were thinking about]
what to eat/cook after this

**[u think about suicide]
no comment

**[others find you attractive]
dono

DO..
**[you drink]
no

**[you like roller coasters]
nope. i wouldnt ride one even if you pay me

**[you write in cursive or print]
both

**[you carry a donor card]
no

**[you have a crush on somebody]
aha..one of my coursemate..so cute! hehe

**[lied to someone]
a ha

**[ever been in a fist fight]
yup. with my bro 10 years ago haha

**[ever been arrested]
no

WHAT..
**[shampoo do you use]
loreal kerastase

**[what do you notice first in a guy/girl]
their smile

WHO..
**[makes you laugh the most]
azali

**[has a crush on you]
budak kecik from sheff hahah

**[last time you did something]
something what?

**[last time you were totally free]
last easter and summer, my first break in 24 years

**[whats your favourite colour]
pink!! omg i helplessly in love with pink...sad isnt it

**[what are you planning to do tomorrow]
wake up at 9ish, do some reading (as if), gp surgery visit at 1.30pm until 5, buke posa, mandi, tgk tv, tido

it's 2am ish, early sunday morning and i'm well awake. think i should write something in my blog other than just my daily event.

selfish. that's what some people used to tell me. at least 2 of them are my good friends, who knew me better enough for me to respect their views. am i selfish? indeed i am. but..not that kind of selfish when you pijak other ppl's head for you to gain something high. my problem is that i dont care. i just dont care. and i dont want to care. just mind your own business and let other ppl mind their own business. simple. no busy-bodying, no gossiping. unless that person or that thing disturb me or my life, then i do mind.

eg: a girl in my group was busy talking (gossiping) about another girl in my group who has a very thin body and big boobs. i cant see any point of this. has the big-boob girl ever disturb the other girl? no. has the big-boob girl ever stole the other girl's bf because of her big boob? no. the big-boob girl maybe caught some extra attention from the boys, that's it. i think the other girl is just plain dengki. sukati big-boob girl tu la. if she wants a D or E cup pun, it's purely up to her. it's her life. it's her body. it's fate that you have a smaller-than-average boobs. why do you have to talk about other people?

well, as usual, bla bla bla i also talk about other ppl behind their back. that's because they had somehow disturbed me or my life. this one girl used to tell some guys who i like, that i like them. i have told her precisedly earlier, that i dont like to inform those guys. but she told them anyway. will i bitch about her? hell i will. but of course la after i confronted her. if it's just once, fine, maybe she slipped it out accidently. but 2nd time? confronted her, talked to her, marah her, bitch about her. ha ha cruel woo hehe. was it my fault for telling her at the first place? everybody have crushes. not serious at all. like 'i like that guy's hair' or 'i like that guy's smile'. and she assumed i like those guys and told them about it! BITCH.

back to my point... it works vice versa too. i dont like to care about other ppl, and i dont like ppl to care about me. my usual sentence will be

it's up to you. it's your life
dont ask question
who are you to ask me?

and i really hate ppl asking me

where have you been?

it's my life. if i go and jump the bridge, hell it's my choice.

if you want to go and jump the bridge, then do it. it's your life.

i dont care, and i dont want to care. selfish? i just want to do my own stuff without being questioned. i dont like giving explaination. i strongly believe that life is short. too short to need to give explaination for every single thing that i do or decide.

am i being strong-headed? yes i am. everybody knows i am degil. am i disturbed? not at all. i accept the fact that i am selfish and strong-headed. i cant understand why some ppl are so worried about having some 'negative' character in them. 'oh, i musnt feel good over my ex's misery', or 'I really don't understand how people can be so bitter'. hello, if that other people is so damn bad and proved to be bad, then why not? nk jadi good-good, sweet girl, who has a pure and innocent heart? ha ha bullshit. all ayu ppl out there, go and die.

it's a harsh blog, isnt it? my personal opinion. my personal prinsip. my life. my choice.

this week was very busy and tiring. busy + no food, that's fine with me, but all those adrenaline up and down, it made me sick. i went to bed early almost every night, i didnt even have time to talk to my fiance, lame tak borak panjang ngn die. this morning my mum told me that azali came to our house in ampang. it was thoughtful of him.

now where should i start? lots of things happened in these past few days..

monday - i dreamt something nice (again? why is this girl always talk about her dream? dono). well, everybody knows i miss my fiance (dhoh..why 'fiance'? you see, i dont like to write his name, i always prefer to refer him as 'monyet', but at the same time i know it's not appropiate..dono). i miss talking to him, being with him, going out with him, or even just looking at his face. that night i dreamt of being in secondary school again. it was a chinese school. there was this chinese hulk who treated me nicely. i couldnt remember his face, but that didnt matter, because he was so nice and treated me as if i was his gf. it turned out that i was indeed his gf! but nobody in the school knew about this (even me haha). this hulk (cool word isnt it?) thought it was the right time to declare our relationship to the public (like drama swasta la plak hehe). it turned out that this guy is the most popular + smart guy in that school. wah wah. bgn2 je, i couldnt help myself from smiling. i'm still tersengih2 right now :p. it was one of those rare moment when you felt like flowers in your heart....smile smile

tues - i had almost the same dream as the night before..except this time it was azali...REALLY-WIDE-KUASA-SEPULUH-EAR-TO-EAR-SMILE hihihihihihihihi
on this day as well, a really weird thing happened. i went to the hospital as usual in the morning and the morning session was soooo boring. i was seriously considering to skip the afternoon session, mainly just to go to town to have some window shopping instead. during the morning break, i read my newspaper and as usual, i read the horoscope part first. it wrote:

Leo
'There are two approaches to work that will succeed for you today; one sees you calling in sick and going shopping, the other involves staying quiet. You choose'

how weird was that? that was what exactly in my mind. cuak sat. 'this is too weird' i thought and...i cancelled my plan to skive the afternoon session..

wednesday - horrible. i got this review video session. 2 weeks ago i had this session of 'video recording' thingy which they recorded my interview with a patient. and today was the review session in which me and my other 5 groupmates got to watch the recorded video again and gave pro and cons about our communication skills. horror!! the session was ok actually, i did learn something useful but i hate seeing myself in the photo/video/whatever which shows my face arghhhhhh i just hate it soo much :(

thursday - a tiring day. but i got my first pay!! woohoo! my first ever pay. 75 quids. for 3 days job, 12 and a half hours work. easy money! what i'm gonna buy what i'm gonna buy..hmm..ayo..got to save it la babe..i need to start saving now...i dont have any kind of saving now..but i think a pair of knee-length boot will be ok kan elina :P

friday - finally friday arrived. went to see my tutor to ask him about my progress in the course so far and i got a very good and comforting feedback. bless him. guess i was just being too concious. but i know i need to work more more more! but not today hehe. today i cooked kuew teow goreng and baked chocolate cake! yum yum. i lost my appetite lately and had to force myself eating. that's why i cooked properly today. yum yum. tomoro i think i'm gonna make karipap yum yum. or/and some biskut raya maybe hehe.

so here i am, it's just past midnight. tomoro i'll go to work, maybe until 2-3pm. my initial plan is to go to the library after that, but then bile nk wat karipap and biskut raya tu? hmm..

oh forgot to mention, i got 5 day-off, till next wednesday! woohoo!

i'm not very well today. i didnt have enough sleep last night, i couldnt sleep after sahur. i usually can sleep with my tummy full, but last night (or morning, it was 5am) i just couldnt. and i'm too dependent on my beta-blocker right now. i'm used to take 2 tablets everyday, each for morning and afternoon, but now i cant. i couldnt help but fidgeting, the tremor was uncontrollable. and i felt sick. think i should sleep early tonight. need to read about headache first. yeah, great, i'm having a headache now and need to read about headache more. great great..

i'm missing someone badly now. wish he is here with me. sedih.. sob sob...

bosannye...

i got this from someone's blog - 'will u marry u?'. hmm..i gave it a thought for a while..and my answer would definitely be..no. i've known to have a low self-esteem, i can be (very) opinionated sometimes (all the time) (if it's in brackets, it means i'm in denial of the facts ha ha). dah la unpredictable in term of mood ie one minute i'm happy then out of the blue, i can be (very) moody and angry as well. pSycHO..that's what some (most) of my friends told me. and i hate being told what to do. nO aDviCE please.. aka degil/stubborn/big headed whatever lah. and i'm not the best of person in the world. not even in newcastle. not even in my own house haha. sometimes (all the time) i just dont care, and i dont want to care. i would always prefer to be left alone. and i hate being questioned. a bit (very) individualistic too.

that's why i keep on asking myself, what the hell does azali sees in me? why is he still here?

'i'm not perfect, nor do you, the question is whether we are perfect for each other'

smile smile

'you may not be the best of person in the world, but you are enough for me. i'm not looking for the perfect girl, i'm looking for a perfect girl for me. you maybe unpredictable but you are an honest person. you always speak what's in your mind. always. that's what i like best about you. you maybe individualistic, but for me, you are independent. i wont have to worry about you and your well-being, because i'll always know you can take good care of yourself and make a fair judgement. it's not that i'm not worried about you because i will always do. we still have a long journey beyond us, so i need a strong girl. a girl who have the whole package. independent, strong-willed, honest and can take care of herself as well. who said that you're kasar? or garang?i dont want you to change, i like you the way you are.'

caaaiiirrrrr

i miss my monyet at malaysia :'(

it's the first day of fasting. not bad...except when somebody kept on telling me how thirsty and hungry she was..like every 5 minutes. very very annoying, but hey..bulan posa weh..got to restrict myself from kutuk-ing other ppl. ha ha. and there was this one beruk from malaysia said that he didnt feel 'good' about my previous entry about me saying (or kutuking) one of my groupmates at hosp. ha ha. iyo la, yo la, i got it pakcik, i'll try to write something else then in this blog.

(this blog will be very dull and boring then dhoh).

i'm listening to my most favourite cd ever ever. it's lionel richie's 'back to front'. i really like his music. a bit of jazz, a bit of pop. his duet with diana ross, 'endless love' was like....ahhh.. make me melt everytime i hear it :)

ha ha again, that beruk in malaysia said that i shouldnt reveal too much about myself in this blog. he said it would be 'dangerous'. what? like i have someone who really want to kill me or something. i know that malang tu tak berbau, but...who cares about my blog? who cares to read it anyway? i dont have that many friends. i'm not that social. dono la. iyo lah yo la, my dear..

so what else can i write? about my hobbies and be as boring as kudo's? ha ha i'm making more and more enemies now ha ha

what's the point of having a blog when you cant write whatever you want in it?

i think having a blog is very exciting. as i said before, i'm not that social, and my beruk is so far away, so this blog is my only place to be myself. this blog represents me. and it's for me alone. it's not meant for other ppl. a friend of my once told me, if it's only for you , why not just put stuff that you write in word document and save it in your hardrive? good thinking. i dont have the answer. all i can say is that a blog is a blog and it has to be published. i dont think a blog is a diary. it's just a place where you can do (write, i mean) whatever you want to write. complicated huh? well...life is complicated after all

ps/ i can imagine my mum saying 'bakal menantu mama...beruk?'

:)

it's 10.30 pm. it's time for me to sleep. i know it is quite early huh, but what to do, tomoro i'll have to start the day early, hence need to sleep early. well, tomoro i wont be having any class (woo hoo!) but i need to go to work (woo hoo!). my work doesnt have any fixed entry time, i just come whenever i want and leave whenever i want. cool isnt it? but i think i still want to start early tomoro, so that i can do other things as well like go to the library or go to the beach. you see, the place where i work is just 5-10 minutes walk from the beach. i went there last saturday after work (yup, i work on saturday too) but the weather wasnt that good and i could only stayed there for 10 minutes. damn cold! so tomoro, if the weather is ok, i might go to the beach again and spend more time there. the beach reminds me very much of kak lysa, my eldest sis. she loves beaches a lot!

i want to sleep now, but i promised elina to wait for her arrival and open the main door for her. she is due to arrive from london at 12ish tonite and cant find her house key. tappe la, i dont mind waiting for her. writing this blog will take some of my time. there is nothing interesting on tv, i've spent a few hours in the library this afternoon so dont think i want to read academic book right now. fiction story book? dont let me start, or else i cant stop, so better not start reading one.

i think i'm pretty much organised right now. haha i feel quite proud of myself. bukan nk angkat bakul, but if you know me, you will know what i mean. by keeping myself bz and occupied, i become more organised. penat tu mmg penat, but at least i know my time is filled with something. in fact i have never been more organised in my whole life. hmm..waktu kat mrsm taiping doesnt count..cos that's involuntary.

right now, i go to class everyday. mon, tues, thurs and friday will be a very full day, woke up at 7am sharp and the class will start at 9 and finish at 5pm, sharp. after getting a lift from a fren from the hospital to town, i go to the robinson library, the uni library which is the nearest to the town. it will take me a further 20 minutes to go to the medical library, so i decide to go to the nearest one. i stay in the library until 7-8pm ish, and go home after that. i take a shower as soon as i reach home, prepare my dinner, eat in front of the tele, and wait a while for the food to come down, and i go to bed at 11ish. that will be a typical day for me. on wednesday and saturday, i get up at 8am ish and go to work until 3-4pm ish. i go to the library after that, get my quick lunch anywhere and stay there until i finish my work or whenever my head dah tepu. the only problem is sunday. i dont have anything on sunday. i want to do something, or else i will end up just lying on the bed for the WHOLE day, watch tv and eat, eat, and eat again. not at all productive. and i feel soooo dammmnnnn lazy. you see, i cant stop going or else i will lose momentum. like last sunday, i didnt do a thing, i felt sooo lazy and what i hate most was the feeling on that sunday night. i felt reluctant to start the usual routine. once i start my routine, it will be fine. punctual and productive, that's my goal.

ha ha i cant believe i'm doing all these. you should have met me last year. i was probably the laziest malaysian in newcastle last year and i lost something precious in my life. i lost my time. my sis gave me a very good advice a couple of months ago. it seems illogical as well as harsh, but there is some truth behind it. i know she's right.

good nite everyone :)

a full grown boy, yet everybody treats him like budak kecik hehe

Iwan is my youngest brother. he turns 16 today. Happy Birthday Iwan! iwan has been everybody's favourite since he was born. i was 8 years old at that time. i was so young and didnt even realised that my mum was pregnant. i just knew that one day while i was at school, my dad came over and said something to my teacher. i saw kak lysa was there too, waiting outside my classroom. my dad didnt say a word. you see, up to until i was 14 years old, my dad didnt talk AT ALL to any of his children. dono, i think he didnt like children at all, it was my mum who wanted to have some children in the house, but that's another story. so this day 16 years ago, my dad brought me, kak lysa and jiman to this weird place which i later knew as hospital. i didnt dare to ask my dad anything. there i saw my mum lying on the bed, looking tired and there was this tiny new 'thing' beside her. my mum greeted us with a smile and told us that it was a boy. uh..what boy? she said that the thing beside her is a baby boy (ooo tu ke baby) and said that this baby boy will be living with us. ooo ic ic.

this boy was soo fair. his skin was soo smooth. ha ha bold head. my mum named him Idzwan. she chose a name with the letter I, which is the same as hers. i remember iwan as a good baby. he didnt cry a lot and became cubbier and cubbier each day. one thing about iwan is that he has a natural charm. pandai ambil hati. i remember him when he was 2-3 years old, he will shout 'wokgen wokgen' whenever he saw a volkswagen car on the street. you see, my dad has this soft spot towards volkswagen. and the rest is history. iwan has become his pet ever since. and my dad gradually changed after iwan was born. he started to like children and began to talk to us, his 'other' children ha ha. well that's another story as well

although he's the youngest in the family, he's not the smallest, mind you. he's as tall as my dad. he becomes so dark nowadays, with all those puberty hormones flaring up ie pimples la. tho he's now tall and big, he still got this baby face, the face which resembles so much of his baby's day. well, that's what i thought. die ambil hati my mum by being a good shopping partner. he knows style, seriously, which brings him closer to me too. he knows brands and cool things. and he knows lots of stuff about cars too, which brings him closer to my sis. he's so close to kak lysa, she even says that iwan is the person she loves most in this world. iwan is an obedient yet cool person. nobody taught him to be like that.

so, iwan, i know you wont be reading this (so that ko tak kombang when aku puji ko lambung2). you have just turned 16 today. you are still too young to realise that life is complicated but i know you will know it sooner or later. take one step at a time and although you have to take each step seriously, dont let the seriousness prevent you from enjoying it. life can be fun too. you are who you are, be brave. it's ok to look back every now and again. take care [tho you know there are 5 of us who will take care of you unconditionally] :)

good nite everyone

penatnyer penatnyer...

seriously, i'm tired. tired TIRED. yeah yeah you got my point.

i read a blog yesterday in which the owner enlisted his list of 'The 10 things I'd like to accomplish by the age of 30'. geez..cool gak..i've never thought of that b4 (mmg tak ambitious langsung ha ha). hmm..i'm not a very ambitious person. i dont like to think that much (tho everybody told me i think TOO much..dono). well, i think i might give it a go, but maybe i'll change the title a bit...

The 10 things I want to have, or wish to have, by the age of 30

1. i want to have a permanent, stable work. in my case..being a qualified doctor maybe? but i wont rule out other jobs. i might not work as a doctor tho i manage to get a medical degree, you see. well, i dont mind about the job i'll do in the future, as long as its permanent, stable and of course with a good pay. i dont expect to get a high pay, i just hope it's enuff for me :) cant wait

2. i want to have a baby. i really really want a baby, it doesnt matter who the father is (azali will kill me if he reads this ha ha). i've dreamt about this little girl who i believe is my future daughter (geez..freak) for so many times now..i really want her. i want to have her. ha ha funny. but i'm serious..

3. i want to write english perfectly..as perfect as nadine's and ct's. with really big good words. of course perfect grammer. p.e.r.f.e.c.t english

4. i want to speak chinese fluently. i want to learn to read japanese. the former one is for me to understand all those chinese girls gossips. the latter one is for me to read as many japanese manga aka comic as many as i can! yippee ;P

5. i want to have a driving license. you guess it right...i dont have a driving license. but dont think i want to own or drive a car...

6. of course i want to settle down. hopefully with azali..but dono la. jodoh Allah yg tentukan. it's funny cos i put this at number 6, ie after my wish to have a baby (at number 2), but it's true...i want to have a baby more than i want to get marry. if la kan..i could have a baby WITHOUT a husband...like get it from a sperm bank ka..dah lame dah buat ha ha ha haram ha ha

7. i want to own a dressing room. a moderate sized room for my precious clothes, shoes and handbags. all clothes will be hangered and the shoes will have their own display racks and the handbags as well. each shoes with their matching handbag. every display will have the small cupboard lamp for the background lighting. oh dream on..

8. i want to bring my whole family to disneyworld, florida. we used to live in florida when i was 3 years old for 3 years. i really want to go there again with the whole family. it's the whole family's dream to be there again

9. i want to have a wide knowledge in fashion. i want to know about the recent fashion style. like tweed and green are soo 'in' for this autumn, as well as as gold, and pastels are soo last year's fashion. i want to at least be able to sketch some clothing designs. i want to study fashion industry ie why does certain fashion suddenly becomes popular at certain times and who decides it. i want to know about fabric, which fabric is suitable for which fashion etc... all of these have always fascinates me

10. the most important thing that i want at the age of 30 is to be happy. really happy. really really happy. happy happy. i know i cant have everything in life. i've been unhappy for these past years and i think i'll continue to be unhappy for at least 3 years more, so i think i deserve to be happy by the age of 30. i really hope so :) wish me luck

have a nice weekend everyone

penatnyer penatnyer...

had a very nice dream last nite. i dreamt entering F1 for Ferrari (ha ha). it puzzled me a bit, cos i dont usually support ferrari, i'm a mercedes's kimi raikonen hard fan. or maybe bmw's juan pablo montoya bcos he's azali's favourite. so there i was, preparing myself for the race, with michael schumacher as my mentor. peliknye...cos i never actually like nor support him, not a bit. but never mind, in that dream, i'll be driving for ferrari and there will only be 1 opponent, that is a young guy who will drive for bmw. i was very nervous, hello, how can a person who didnt even pass her driving licence test (err...that will be me) can enter F1 racing and drive for ferrari? i told m.schumacher about that, but he said he got faith in me. dhoh..pijak dunia yg nyata la pakcik. of course i didnt say that to him heh. he seemed nice. pastuh, i started to remember what azali used to tell me whenever we watched F1 tv live, 'one of the most important thing in F1 is the starting. a car must have a good lead. and the 1st corner is very very crucial.' oooo...macam itu ka. tho takder la paham sgt..but buat2 paham huh. so the racing day eventually arrived and...i got a very good start and manage to lead after the 1st corner and at that time i knew i was gonna win cos there's no way the bmw car gonna potong me in a F1 circuit.... sedar2 kul 6.50am, another 10 minutes b4 my routine morning alarm tuk melalak. it was a very satisfying dream..

back to reality. i dont want to talk about my course, hospital bla bla bla cos it's so damn routine/boring/you named it that is not even worth mentioning. what i would like to mention now is my new pokok2. hahaha i got 6 plants altogether in my room right now. well, 6 types of plants, which are cactuses (3 of them), bamboos (3 gak), aloe vera, heathers (mcm pokok bontot kucing but it's purple), dragonleaf (mcm rumput) and hedera helix (pokok yg juntai2 tu). lawanyer...hehheeh. all are easy to care for...or supposed to, as that is what they wrote in the instruction on how to care them hihi. i tried 3 times to care for roses, but all 3 of them died. i just knew that roses are not meant for indoors. hehe..should have known that b4 trying to bela them heheh. anyway, hope these plants will accompany me here. i hope 6 is not too much...

just got a news that maybe, all of my housemates are going to be away for christmas hols. hm...so i will be left alone here for 2 weeks...dhoh..dont think so! i'll find a place (or some!) to go to. oja...ko nampak baik la kat glasgow hihi.... or maybe belfast? hmm...

i like this phrase, 'today is the result of yesterday.'

good nite everyone.

I am 27% evil.

I try to stay away from evil deeds but succumb to temptation every once in a while. I'm not quite on my way to hell but I certainly have some explaining to do.

Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

not just today, but the whole week has been stupid. i felt stupid. the course has been stupid. the weather is stupid. WAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

got this 1 person in my group which is VERY annoying. keep on bugging me all the time. i mean ALL the time. bug bug bug. always nk kepit with me. helo!! even my fiance pun tak kepit with me, cos i'm the kind of person who need my own space. MY OWN SPACE, you bitch! semue bende nk same. percaya tak, if i tak tunggu die tuk lunch sekali, die leh merajuk+ muncung??! go to hell bitch! everytime amik history from patient pun semue nk same??! wtf? hangin hangin. bengang. semue nk ikut bontot org. nk pie berak pun nk ikut? (honestly, if i tak ckp ape2, die mesti nk ikut nyer...a ha..yup...it's that bad) bengang gile!

for some people, this is just nothing. but for me, my privacy is everything. EVERYTHING. it's not like i dont like to meet other people, but dont go interfering my life boleh tak? DONT INTERFERE urghhhhh!! i dont like people to know me. dont ask too many question. my life is mine. mine. mine.

i dont like 3 types of people. fine, i am prejudice, i know i might regret this later for saying/writing all of these, but right now, I DONT GIVE A FUCKIN DAMN about that

1) people who have mouth bigger than their head. ie way too talkative people. all they do is talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk AND talk again. fine...i know there is such thing as freedom of speech, but if it's nonsense and full of craps, go and speak to the wall la.

2) people who are ngada-ngada. rengek2. hek hek hek. perasaan die cute sgt. sengih2. try buat comel. comel kepala hotak. fine, i understand if you nk ngada2 with your bf ka, gf ka, tapi not all people??! ngn semue org nk ngada2. this kind of person deserves to die.

3) people who defy the fact. face the fact, man. nobody is happy with themselves. even if you ask Miss Universe sekali pun, mesti die ade something that she doesnt like about her body. note* rare species like super duper confidence human being are not considered here. all my life, i know 2 person who are like this. one in kmys and another one in newcastle. the one in kmys (my previous college) refused to weigh herself (note* at that time, there was a bio project which required everyone to measure their weight and height in order to make a normal distribution chart, oh you know what i mean). that girl, who has a benggali origin, besar gak la, size 16 maybe, she said that she weighs 55 kg and wears jean size 26. WTF? ingat org bodoh? i was in size 8-10, weigh 53kg back then and wear jean size 29. die tipu tipu tipu. i hate this kind of people. same here in newcastle. she used to have size 14, everyday complain psl badan die besar la, gemuk la, tu la ni la, bile waktu makan byk gile. b.a.n.y.a.k. yet complain complain complain. fine fine, i know not everybody is blessed with high metabolism, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. i used to eat boiled brocoli for several months tuk diet huh. i know some big sized girls who are so lovely, so not every big sized girls are like what i describe above.

you know what? to make things short, pleasant (ha. ha.) and less offensive (ha. ha. again.), all the lists of the kind of person that i dont like, that girl from my hospital group has. imagine. honest honestly, she is really huge, fine with me, she's about shanie's (know her? malaysian artist/comedian) size ie size 20++, but she says she's size 14??! come on, i'm not stupid. for example yeh, i honestly know that my face is ugly, i admit i'm ugly and not good looking. FACE THE FACT! i know it's bitter, but it is the truth, terime je la. if i can accept my ugliness, accept je la your un-perfectness. dah tu die ngada2 pulak. suke buat muke as if die comel la. kenyit2 mata kat kite la (ew..help i want to puke) ew..geli geleman. but bab yg paling tak puas hati...die nk KEPIT ngn kite 24-7!!! arghhhhhh. everything must do together. if i berak, ko kene tunggu depan pintu. taknak masuk sekali ke?!! honestly this type of person deserves to die die die....

the worst ever nightmare (even worse than that wedding one) has come true.... i just received this news. she is my rotation partner until next june. now. june. she. me. die. slow. painful. certain. death.

bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang.

bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh.

think i need some anger management huh.

i just came back from hospital. tired and hungry, i reached home only to discover my salon appointment for tomoro has been cancelled by someone. huh.

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sabar elly sabar. pisssssssed sgt2. think i might go take a shower and semayang sunat or something. really really need to chill out

ps/ elina, aku tak marah kt ko. i just had a bad week. ko cume wrong timing je.