missing someone

12/08/2004 07:03:00 PM 0 Comments »
it was late summer 2002. i had to return to uk earlier than expected for my resits. it was hard to accept failure. most of my friends had not returned from their summer holiday in malaysia. i was stressed..and lonely. somehow i knew someone who didnt go back home for summer. he and i had such a difficult and long history together. he was my ex, and i was the one who dumped him a year before, saying that he was ugly and i was embarassed whenever i go out with him. nasty.

but i need to go somewhere after the resits. it was like a ritual for me to go somewhere else on the evening of the last paper. he and i hadnt contacted each other for some time. i apologised soon after we broke up, he accepted it, and we contacted each other about once a month. fine. i was too tired and stressed to think about that. i made my decision and called him saying that i need a place to go to take my mind off the resits. he said ok.

as planned, i went to his place on the evening of my last paper. we didnt talk much, we tried to keep it formal and superficial. we spent the next day walking around his campus and again, we didnt talk much. he was a quiet guy afterall, and i still got my mind filled with the resits. the next day, he suggested we go to a place somewhere in the midlands, where shakespear used to live. i agreed.

he said it would take us about an hour by bus to reach that place. i left it to him to find the bus and map, it was his place anyway. so we jumped on a double-decker bus and sat on the front most, right side. i sat near the window. it was a lovely late summer day. all the leaves were greenish gold. then he realised we took the wrong bus, well, the right bus but with longer journey. the driver later said that the journey will take about 3 hours. fine.

so we sat there on the frontmost sits on the top of a double decker bus. i was lost with the beautiful view. the bus went to various small villages, with various colourful moors, various small cottages. it was amazingly beautiful. he seemed to enjoy the view as well. i looked at him then looked straight back again. a very nice guy is sitting beside me, i thought. a very nice guy.

we arrived Stanford upon Avon on early afternoon. the view was breathtaking. there was a lake which separates the famous shakespear playhouse and the town. we sat by the lake and realised there were some pink swans swimming gracefully on the lake. we didnt have much money ourselves back then, so we bought a sandwich and a drink and shared them between us. we didnt talk much and spent our time enjoying the view. then we went to the playhouse and walked around town .

we decided to go back at 4ish and took the right bus this time. the journey back was uneventful but i couldnt help myself but thinking about the nice guy. this nice guy. 'my' nice guy. or was he not mine? he used to be mine but i just let him slipped away. not just that, i was cruel to him. i found it hard to give my heart away. i wasnt ready for a relationship at all, but this wasnt an excuse to be cruel. and i knew he didnt deserve that. he is such a kind-hearted guy. i looked at him again and thought, 'gosh, i think i like this guy..hm..not sure. but he's definitely gonna take good care of me until i'm old and wrinkle'. exact words. kinda funny.

a few days later i went back to newcastle. a month after that he called and said he wanted to come to newcastle. we met and he, for the second time, opened him heart again to the girl who broke his heart before. i went silent and i felt that i really really dont want to hurt him again. ever again. because he is such a nice guy and he doesnt deserve me. but i do think i like him this time. really, genuinely like him. but i wasnt too sure though. i closed my eyes and i knew he was being honest too. he was taking a great risk of being hurt again, by the same girl. we had a long talk and decided to let time decide. he went back to conventry again.

1 day. 2 days. a week. i just carried on with my life but i couldnt forget the stanford trip. and i couldnt stop thinking about him either. i made up my mind and called him. he felt the same. both of us agreed to take our relationship further, but this time, slower but serious. we visited each other at least once a month and became really close friends.

he was there when i was ill. he was there to cuddle me when i felt lonely. he was there when i was down. he was there to hold my hand. he was there to wept my tears. he was there to listen whenever i need someone to talk to. he was there too when i had my regular pms. when i had my tantrums. he was there with red roses waiting for my arrival at the train station. or when he arrived at newcastle. how could i not possibly fall in love with this guy?

he wasnt ugly at all. i like his eyebrows and his eyes. quite a wide forehead. big nose. warm smile. patient. nice height, with a nice pair of shoulders for me to lean. with such a big warm heart, he is definitely not ugly. not ever.

when his mum put a ring onto my left wedding ring last summer, he made me the happiest girl.

for the first time, i felt safe. protected. he touched my heart like no other. i love to spend my whole life with him. i want to take good care of him, until he is old and wrinkle. cant wait.