My World

sejuknyer hari ni. yet still no snow!! last nite was -4,-5 degrees, then tonite is -6 degrees! sejuk gile..grrr..snow...where are thou... nak main2 snow b4 sekolah stat next week...

tgh dgr lagu Misha Omar 'Bunga-bunga Cinta'. leh tahan. in fact, i like it. jarang suke lagu melayu. vokal bagus. tapi lirik die..sort of sad story lah. ingat nak letak liric die kat this blog, but then dont think it's suitable, tak de kaitan pun, so change my mind.

nak cat bilik. but need to ask landlard dulu. did i mention to you guys that my wall's colour is light green, and the carpet is red? sakit mata. but still bley lagi, as long as it's not blue! really hate blue. then ari tu beli dover cover kaler light turqoise, ingat nak padan ngn wall yg kaler ijau. suke tak suke, bley gak la. then elina decided tuk cat bilik die, so join je la. nak cat off-white. jasmine white, to be precised. hmm..sempat siap tak b4 sekolah stat next week? hmm...

rambut dah panjang. in fact, tak pernah panjang cam ni. dulu kecik2 always rambut pendek. sekarang dah panjang..rimas. cucuk2 leher + belakang. i think ade ruam kat situ aa cos tak biase rambut lebih bahu. pastu tak pakai cekak. sakit kepala. takleh ikat rambut sgt sbb pening kepala gaks. maybe sbb mmg selalu berambut pendek..rimas rimas. syampoo + conditioner pun kene spesel. mahal huh. cepat abis plak tu. ceh. but at the same time, teringin sangat nak rambut panjang. dari dulu lagi teringin sgt rambut panjang. bukan senang nak tunggu panjang, lebih2 lagi since aku jenis yg tak sabo. tapi huda kate rambut aku lawa (hehe angkat bakul sesekali hihi) skrg kat uk ok kot rambut panjang.sejuk + potong rambut mahal. tapi kat mesia..most definitely akan potong rambut..tapi sayang rambut...

ni dah stat merapu. ntah ape ape ntah tulih psl rambut.

alo

malasnye nak tulih. tapi tulisla sket2.
yesterday pie ikea ngn ellina and kak syikin. i bought 3 cactus and 2 lucky bamboos! just felt like i want to give another lives another chance. used to own a cactus back in kmys, sihat tul, ask my chaletmates dulu kat kmys. then bile nak fly pie uk, left it to my mum, pastu mati. sedey. then used to own a goldfish for 2 years, sihat tul, ask my flatmates, pastu bile summer 2002, balik mesia sat then tinggalkan kat a****, terus mati. sedey. pastu rase mcm dah tak sampai hati nak bela ape2. sedey sbb aku betul2 syg goldfish tu, + my old cactus. the secret is to talk to them every now and them. feel as if they're there with you. then betul2 rase sedey bile depa mati. ade grief period gak la hihi. anyway, new cactuses, new names la, as usual. 3 cactuses, i named Genso Sanjo, Cho Hakkai and Sha Godjo. and the lucky bamboos tu Son Goku. okey la. welkam to my life, dear plants.

quite hepi actually. and proud as well. my youngest brother got a good result for his pmr. everybody was very very surprised, as he's the youngest, suke main, with a past upsr result yg teruk gak la. the first thing that he said to me when i called him last nite was "Na, Iwan kantoi aa.." i was like. "huh? hmm" then he said "sebab iwan nangis depan semue org". kah kah kah. my mum cried as well. then i called my sis and my other bro. borak2 panjang, telling each other how surprised and unexpected the news is. and Iwan now cant decide what presents does he want!! such a spoil boy, but he's well deserved all the presents (mintak aku MD player!!? botak aku) pandai betul die. mintak my mum hadiah lain, my dad hadiah lain, mintak my sis hadiah lain etc etc. siap tanye aku lagi ape bende yg die leh mintak. ceh...buat aku jeles je. hihi. but i' hepi and proud for him. wish i were there at this moment. nak tgk Iwan sengeh sampai telinga!

alo alo alo

sory lame tak tulih anything kat this blog. quite occupied, i might say. went to london last week to huda's. enjoyed my time there for a week, then went back to newcastle to receive some guests from belfast. then azli went on staying with me for a week b4 returning to belfast this morning. bless her. bless all my frens who made my life brighter.

i used to hate Friends (i mean, the comedy series). i also used to hate movies/series which based on frenship. for me, the only thing/person that you can really rely on is your family. cause they're your blood. you've known them all your life. although i am aware that family can also betray each other, but my family is everything to me. my family is my world. and my world is my family. my small family: mum, dad, kak lysa, jiman and iwan. we used to moved around soo many times and we stick to each other through thick and thin. i can trust a fren, but not as much as i trust my family. i can love and care for a fren, but it's nothing much compared to the love for my family. a few years ago, a 'fren' used to tell me that she will do anything for her frens. like if her frens terjun lombong, she will follow them, if it's required for her to save her beloved frens. hmm...not me huh. dont think i'll do that. i will help others if it doesnt burden me. a fren used to tell me i'm selfish. hm..true in some way, harsh though. well that's me, i guess. blame it to my upbringing, blame it to the dark times at mrsm taiping. blame it to a fren's betrayal, blame it to a fren's hypocracy. life is not easy, and i have to stand on my own feet to survive. i can never trust, love a fren as much as i know it should be.

and here i am. in a faraway place on my own. the only person, my family, whom i trust and love is too distant. ppl used to tell me i'm a strong, individual and independent type of person. they told other ppl that if i were to be left alone in a remote place, i can and will survive. and here i am. precisely. except that i'm not that strong, individual maybe, and still trying, but failing, to be independent. and without the only support that i trust, cherish most, i'm useless. defenceless. loss.

this year is a bad one for me. 2003. unlucky huh. bad, maybe worst year for me. too much dissappointment, frustation, heartaches. didnt even expect to see 2004. but here i am. at the near end of 2003. i survived. how? why? with my frens' support, love and trust. dont think i can survive without them. my family is still there for me, and will always be there for me, but now i can have more. i have my frens now.

fren, thanks for a wonderful time at london. you are yourself, which i like best about you. fren, thanks for flying from belfast and stay with me at newcastle. a week with you meant a lot for me, believe me. and a bunch of frens at newcastle, thanks. special thanks to my comel housemate. you helped me more than you realised (esp today! hehe). not forget my special fren kat machang, kelate. you brighten my life, everyday.

to all my frens out there, million thanks.

alo

penat sih. 6 hours++ dlm bus from london to newcastle. last minute decision tuk pegie london last week, tak de tiket train yg berpatutan. so naik aa bus. dont mind actually..maybe dah get used to long hour journey since last sem selalu sgt pie coventry. naik train pun 5hours ++. since azali kat mesia, langsung tak kuar newcastle. need some time to have the courage to travel and realise azali wont be there at the end of the journey. kali ni pun, if it wasnt for huda, dont think i want to go anywhere outside newcastle. but what a nice trip at london! a great person she is. i was quite sad to say goodbye to her just now. the first days were quite...i might say...distance to each other. time goes by, and both of us have changed to quite a different person. then bile jumpe balik...quite distance/awkward huh. but the final days were the best. ever. thanks huda. you're the best.

sampai newcastle je...hujan. penat + bosan. then balik umah. nasib ade ellina. woo hoo! ade geng huh. mmg dah janji nak tgk pop idol final sesame. but this year's popidol is SOOO dull. all the good ones semue dah kuar. ntah ape2 ntah. dont want to talk much about the winner..dont like her, dont want to like her, will not like her. then supper with ellina. dua2 lapa gile! should see how both of us ate. heheh. then i ran with all my might to my room to... call azali! miss this siamang like hell! so relieved and happy to hear his voice, and all of his attention and care...heheh..cair......b4 his mum called him to do something, and he had to leave me..huhuhu. tappe makcik..i'll have your son sooner or later huh...jahat sungguh aku nih!!

ngntuk seh. nak tido. esok some frens from belfast will come to newcastle. kene bawak jln2 newcastle. dont mind though since i dont have anything else to do pun. but the weather forecast for tomoro is really bad, man. strong wind, temperature can be -1, with the possibility of snowing. 'nice day to introduce newcastle huh'. nite nite

ari ni tak kuar mane2. last night mimpi azali. ye la, since kat london, cant call him that often. huhuhu mish him. in that dream i saw his face was sad. huhuhu aku lagi sedey. that's why today i'd decided to stay in huda's room the whole day. cant wait to go back to newcastle tomoro. dont get me wrong, i enjoy my time here with huda kat london, there are lots of things we'd catched up. miss london gak, it's been more than a year since i truly enjoy london. last year, i mean sept 2002-03 i've been to coventry tooo often. been away from london and huda. but now i've been in london for a week and i guess that's more than enuff. i'm going back to newcastle tomoro, have my sweet room, with my sweet bed, miss ismail (my teddy huh) and miss ellina + other housemates as well. most importantly..i miss talking to azali. azali, sory for being away, i guess i need my break from newcastle, but not from you. miss you so much, and i promise to be with you (via phone laaa) when i be in newcastle tomoro!

adoi..so damn tired..damn tired. 2 whole days jln. smlm dah cover abis regent st + covent garden + london millenium bridge etc etc. then today huda forced me (yup..she forced me hehehe) to go to her lectures at her main campus kat whitechapel. then..as usual..i got bored at the first lecture (surprise surprise). during lunch time we went to a nearby market. by the way, whitechapel tu kawasan bangladesh, british-borned indian etc. a bit dodgy aa. but the market..wah..i was quite surprised. lots of kedai baju2 indian, punjabi, sari. really really nice embroideries, all the labuci. some of the clothes are quite overcrowded i admit, but there are some simple, very nice ones. wah..i really like the material and the price is not so expensive. i plan to go there again in the future to buy my wedding material. hehe..i plan to buy the sari and can use the kain to make kebaya. really really nice. oh my wedding...

then decided to miss the afternoon lectures (surprise surprise) and guess what? went to cinema to watch Lord of The Ring The Return of The King instead!! WAHH..THIS MOVIE GOT MY BEST VOTE!! THE BEST MOVIE EVER!! for a non LOTR fan (i'm Harry Potter's, man) it's hard for me to give this movie any credit. but this movie's really good! say no more, whoever read this, go run to your nearest cinema and watch this movie! go, run! run! run!

a relaxing...(lazying actually) day. really dont feel like want to come out from the room. stayed all day in huda's room. maybe because yesterday was quite a tiring one. so today i decided to stay myself in the room, watch a few dvds and cds, sleep etc. okeylah..a nice change.

nothing much. but i start to miss mng and zara and oxford street etc etc. might go tomoro hehehe.

london. too much past memories. some good, and some bad. me kinda ppl who dont like their past. past = painful. me threw away past pictures. me hate taking any picture..cause it will remain me of the past, when i see it again it in the future...

but mng will always give smile on my face!! elina..jgn jeles! best gile. *hint hint..handbag baru hihi. spent hours kat oxford st. woo hoo! will go there again b4 balik newcastle this saturday.

another good news! azli will be spending her winter break with me kat newcastle! best best! for a week. azli, or azlizawati, is one of my good fren mase kt kmys. really really good person. good fren is not the same as best fren huh (that's you huda! hihi). but sometimes both of them exist in the same person (that's you ellina! hihi) enuff enuff

well, quite happy kat london. huda belanja kuey teow goreng! woohoo! had a nice and long walk this afternoon. did lots and lots of thinking hoho as usual. looking forward gaks to see azli this sunday. yee haa! hope life can be as good as this more often.

i'm going to london!!
i'm going to london!!
i'm going to london!!

leh jumpe huda, after more than a year tak jumpe die. nearly 2 years kot. huda is my best friend, and she will always be. we were very close back then, but last year there were lots of things in our plates, meaning we were quite bz and occupied with our lives. huda met a nice guy and got serious and due to get married in less than 2 weeks time! i also met a nice guy (hihi) and was also quite bz sorting my studies. then i met some good frens kat newcastle (you know who you are heheh), so got my life occupied. in other way, i was kinda...forgot about my best fren kat london. sory to say that. but i still remember our memories, esp mase 1st year, our trip to paris, how she was always there for me during my difficult times...well...i never forget about you huda. i remember everytime i finish talking to her, i always have this good feeling, satisfy with the conversation that we've had. even azali cant do that. i owe you so much, and now i dont want to keep you just for myself. you're a lively person, and you deserve to do much2 more that just be with me (sound dodgy la plak...never mind hheheh). i was so naive, selfish and a loner back then. time, ppl and everything around me have changed me, and i hope i am a better person now.

huda, thank you for being who you are, who always be there for me. i am really looking forward to see you tomoro, and may our frenship remains fresh and strong.

hehehhee

Dear frenz,

I'm fine. i know i will be fine.
Million thanks to Ellina, you help me to get through this. you'll always have a special place in my heart (in a good +innocent way lah).
although i'm still full of uncertainty, i'll be fine. there're full of cloudiness, hazziness, but i know it will be clearer. there will have some good things out of this one. if i look really hard, i know i'll find more.

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
’cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along

tak leh tidoooooooooooooooooo

nak buat ape yer? dah kencing 3 kali. on-off tv dah 3 kali kot. skrg kul 3 am something. tak leh tido tak leh tido. want to know why?? sebabnye...sebabnye...tomoro dpt result exam...mmg la tak leh tido langsung...

but what to do what to do? tak de topic menarik pun yg leh ditulih. satu bende je kat otak aku skrg...exam result...and believe me, you dont want to know about that...

oklah...seperti biase...cilok idea dr blog org lain..heheh. blog org lain susah noo nak update, so aku cilok aa dr blog wirda..

kat kmys. okla..better than mase kat tepen. kekwn pun okla. takde perasaan sebenonye bile masuk kmys, sbb dah sebulan sebelum tu duk kat ukm wat matriks. donola sbb ape aku pie kmys. anyway..duk aa ngn liza, wirda dan laila, + mus yg jadi our 5th member unofficially..

liza ajar aku being individual. she likes to keep things to herself. respect her for that. being independent (in my point of view la). antara org 1st yg kenalkan aku kat kompter..sejak kenal makcik ni la aku jadi minat kompter and admire pd org yg tere kompter (azali..you should thank her hihi).memori yg funny..die pie suh aku rakamkan suara kat kompter die ie suh aku ckp waktu semayang dah masuk bla bla bla. aku yg innocent ni pun ikutla. then, 5 times a day, kompter die akan kuarkan suara rakaman aku tu la, bagitau satu chalet waktu semayang dah masuk. mase tu 1st time aku tau yg loghat jawa aku ni tebal rupenye...malu!

laila. makcik ni lawa. aku mmg rase die lawa. kulit putih, licin tul. semue bende die pakai johnson2. rambut die best. panjang, halus, lurus. dulu mase kat tepen duk betul2 depan bilik aku. segan sket ngn die...cause she reminds me of the bad memories kat tepen...cant write much about her..never got that close

wirda. geng gak la. aku takut sebenonye kat makcik ni. muke grumpy jer selalu. dah la nama same..takut gak die bantai aku satu hari. hei, this girl dont need a reason to bantai org tau..that's what i think la hehe. jadi rapat sbb makcik ni makan sarapan je mase kat kmys. aku plak makan every time ade makanan kat dining hall. girls yg lain bangun lambat sket so tak pie serapan. so aku jadi baik gak la ngn wirda ni. mule2 tu semue org pelik..camne aku yg senyap (+baik+sopan hehehe) leh baik ngn wirda yg semue kate ganeh+brutal etc etc. tapi best gak. org takut gak la ngn aku sbb aku kwn ngn gengster..got my point? heheh. wirda ajar aku jadi...cool..that's the right word. suh aku tgk Wild Thing though aku cabut half way. sronok sronok. malam2 pie cafe (is it cafe?) kat kmys tuk beli air. dpt tgk mamat2 hensem sekali heheh..wirda suke hindustan..pasang almost every night sampai aku leh hafal semue lagu kuch kuch hota hei (tak tipu!)

last sekali mus. die style-o tahap dewa nyer. kire sifu style aku ler...unofficially. tak rapat sgt mase kat kmys. tgk2 jadi sedara aku! ceh ceh...ngn cousin aku gak die kawin. skrg dah 4 months pregnant. org 1st yg ajar aku psl style..toche toche

adoi dah panjang ni. sebenornye byk lagi nak tulih. ye la..2 years memories kan. aku belaja byk mende dr diaorg, esp psl relationship (ingat tak dulu aku kate aku wat research?) dulu aku sorang single, so depa semue cite aa sket2. so though aku tak couple, tapi view aku luas aa gak. tq guys..for being part of my life. tq gak cause sket sebyk you made me the person i am today...heheh..elly..jadi..jiwang..again!!

alo again

called my mum and my sis this morning. got some bad news. my mum dreamt something sad and bad about my sis. jawa ppl believe in dreams. dont want to write about the actual dream, but it's clearly a bad sign. sigh. my elder sister is single and living alone in kl. and she has an awkward working hour. always finish at 2-3 in the morning. dono la. she works for bbmb but i always thought they have a fixed 9-5 schedule. dono la. and my sis works really hard. and i think she has depression. sian die. all i can do is to call her every now and then to say hi and make sure she's fine.

and my dad. more or less confirms he's moving to...guess it again..sudan. some of my frens in newcastle have already known about this, but i dont think it's true until i called my mum this morning. it doesnt make sense. my parents are quite an old couple. not that old, 50 and 48, yet i think they should remain with their close ones back in malaysia. and my dad already earn enuff for the family. more than enuff. we never want more than enuff. we always like simple life. ape lagi? we the children dont want their money, harta etc. but i know my dad. he likes thrill, adventorous thing. the more the better. he likes to be ongoing. but what i dont like is he would drag my mum with him. and i know my mum. she loves my dad more than everything. they stick with each other, though thick and thin. and i'm pretty sure she will follow my dad to sudan. though she doesnt like sudan (who does?) sigh. i dont like my family to be separated. and my youngest bro..dont know where will he go. boarding school? i know he's a mum's son. anak mak. dont like boarding school a bit. and my sis. being single, i think she will need my family support more than ever. sedey sedey. i always remember my childhood times. we were not rich, but we have each other. we always move around, from one place to another, locally, abroad, but we always together. sob sob. miss those times. that's why i know i'm and will always be a family person. always be. i'll choose family than money, fame, power, ambition or anything else. that's why i keep on dragging, complaining about living oversea. it might be ok, small thing for some ppl. not for me. i made a mistake. by going away.

now we are to be separated. if it's up to me, i wouldn't go. but it's not up to me. sigh

alo

tetibe cuak. psl this coming exam results. biasenye lepas exam akan free, rase relieved. but not this time. still got the thrill, anxiety.

sejuk sgt ari ni. think it's -2 or -3 outside since this morning. guess winter comes early and colder..

tak eventful sgt this past 2,3 days. didnt do anything. enjoy my new room arrangement, enjoy my bed + tv (as usual lah). malassss sgt nak msk...so not me. cause i always like to cook. dono dono

cant think of anything else to write. maybe i'll again later.

tgh dgr album Will Young yg baru. bessttt nyer....wah...no 1 single, no 1 album at the moment..wah...muarhahaha..padan muke gareth gates only managed to get 4th place..muarhahah..gelak jahat gile..

anyway, rearrange my room today. hate my last arrangement. that was only for the exams. mess everywhere. now's better. got a bigger empty space, so that me and my housemates can eat on the floor instead of on the bed. took me the whole nite yesterday thinking about the new + suitable rearrangement plan. too many things to consider. the heater needs to be free and away from anything, so that the heat can be redistribute throughout the room. the tv MUST be directly at the foot of the bed, cause i eat, drink and live with my beloved tv, 24-7. the study table must be near the book shelf, senang nak amik buku. then there's a laptop, need to be near the printer. then kene consider wiring and power point. need to have a free space as well to semayang, mkn etc. lots and lots things to be considered. nasib baik akhirnye....dpt gak pk kan someting la MUARHAHAH. the whole process took me 5 hours kot. berat woo. yahoo..bilik besh skrg hehe.

one of my favourite song from will young:

LOVE IS A MATTER OF DIFFERENCE

Love is a matter of difference
Between you and me
Love is a matter of distance
That you are too far away

Love is a matter of growing
And knowing true feelings
Love is a matter of showing
That you are too far away

When my heart is open
My mind is opening to find
I cant let you stay
The love is a matter of difference
That you are too far away

Love is a matter of input
Outlook, deep inside
Love is to know you're on my side
That you are too far away

adoi...aku dah jadi jiwang. soo NOT me.. tapi nak buat camne. blame it on azali...

FOOHHH...LEGA. really really relieved. i know the result hasnt come out yet, and i dont deserved to celebrate too much. but still think i deserve to have a break.

just finished my OSCE paper this morning, 11pm to be precised. after a terrible/horrible nite. after worst days ever. suddenly i went panic. i mean, REALLY PANIC + GELABAH + CUAK + SUICIDAL, semue ade. was actually surprised last monday and tuesday when i did my first 2 papers. calm. ready. good confident, but not over. the pace was just nice. tranquility. then came wednesday and thursday b4 the OSCE paper on friday.

it was really really bad. the nite b4 the OSCE. honestly if i havent thought of Allah, i would have commit suicide. dead serius. i dont care ANYTHING at that moment. not my mum, family, even azali come across my mind. i was really really down. drop minus confident. dont think i can carry on this life. life feels useless. empty. hole. dont care. dont want to care. it was too much for me to handle. too many heartache. i dont feel sad. just useless. useless. useless. too many questions but with too little answer

then azali called. i was just burst out crying when i heard his voice. i was totally forgotten about him. i was damn misrable. he clarified me on the things that make me feel like this. I WAS SCARED. scared for the OSCE. scared for failing this paper. scared of the feeling after the exams, esp OSCE. my worst paper. i used to have nightmares for months for my last OSCE. it was damn horrible. and i was also scared of everything. scared to continue this life. life's too complicated. and misrable. dont think i want it anymore. then azali asked me to write on a piece of paper, everything that i have in my mind. quite silly, but i did it. 4 pages long. full of questions. then i throwed it away. i felt a bit relieved, but also sad. sad because the writing on those papers was mine. those thought was mine. and it is mine. will always be mine.

i dont want to be in that situation again. but somehow i know i will. cause it used to happen to me before. it was bad. the previous scar remains fresh. and now there is another. so i think i will have another one..

dont know when will it happen. too scared. i dont want it. but it keep coming back. i know i wont do anything silly, but sooner or later i know i will. scared of losing my mind, again, but more scared if i lose my body and soul. you never know when it will happen, you never know when will you lose your mind, and now you never know when will you start doing something. anything. scared of losing control. of yourself. damn i'm crying rite now. for the sadness of my life. pitied myself. a loser. freak

may Allah give me enough strengh. to carry on this life.
be strong and stable.
amin

alo alo alo

just finished 2nd paper. the final paper, the scariest and nastiest paper, is on this friday. may Allah has mercy on me...huhuhu..
the last 2 papers? ntah..dono. me dont like to predict/comment on past exams. emotionless. because it used to happen to me. i cant predict the result.

my emotion dah stable sket kot this week. pms, exam fever, anxiety, plus the cold and cruel weather predispose my mood (sape tak?). so i list down a few things that happen last + this week in my life:

+ve events:
1. my mum asked me to used her money to buy my new coat. duit raya = hadiah raya = coat idaman hati...mueheeheh. + she sent me, not one, but 2 new shirt/tops. both have very nice colours, definitely my taste/style. tq tq bondaku..hehehhe
2. will young 5th single got no1 place in the chart, after a confused cd distribution, somewhere, sometime this week. oh will young... you have my full support!
3. raya. sape tak suke? though i was in the middle of my revision when syawal arrived, but hey, raya IS raya. and this year's raya is the best raya so far. had kak maz's raya dishes...besh besh. semlm baru die buat biskut london almond. heaven!
4. managed to pay all my bills in advance, be more organized in my spending, and...i left with very fewww pocket money! what to do what to do.. but still hepi
5. more relax and organised in my revision. lebih senang nak masuk..alhamdullillah. maybe sbb dpt 2 weeks study leave..dpt rehat lebih huh
6. received result + feedback for my medical physics literature review. hepi hepi. one of the examiner really really like my paper and he gave me merit, but the other examiner down graded it a little. never mind. i am more more that happy if somebody actually like my paper. it was the first paper which i really enjoyed reading, writing etc. oh meds physics..here i come!

-ve events:
1. exams. who like exams???
2. missed a few cite in the tv...huhu...sbb study aa nyer psl.. need to sacrifice something, if you want to gain something
3.weather sejuk sgt!! plus the moodiness + greyish cloudiness + raining, wet everywhere. guess winter come early this year.
4. got a cold + running nose, despite having had flu jab last sept/oct. + a few headaches, or i might say, some throbbing discomfort on me right frontal, which radiates to the right eye...wuuu
5. bengang sgt2 last weekend. i dont like being angry. rase cruel, jahat sgt. sory to that person, dont you ever buat aku marah lagi..cause no one will want to see me being angry. not a nice view, not a nice feeling.

hm..i guess that's all that i can think of right now...
ngantuk weh...otakku sakit...got a few days more b4 'the' last paper.

BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG
BENGANG GILE BABI

aku dah bagitau bykkkk kali, aku tak suke org pakse2 aku, or provoke2 aku, or cabar2 aku or yg setaraf ngan nyer. if i dont want to go, it's my decision! jgn nak kacau hidup aku! lantak aa org kate aku ni individualistic ka, ANTI SOCIAL ka, pedulik ape! JGN KACAU HIDUP AKU LEH TAK?? really pissed off. dah la ajak pie makan umah org, tak consult sape2 dulu. tau2 je bile die balik keje, die expect semue org tuk pie. aku mmg tak suke org suruh2 bla bla bla. aku ckp tak mo pigie, die wat muke kate 'fine'. pastu 5 minit lagi dtg balik bilik aku ajak aku pie lagi sekali, kononnye lembut sket aa, aku mmg dah cold dah mase tu, aku kate aa aku nak exam. katekan la aku takmo study ke etc mase tu, SUKATI aku nak pie ke tak. FUCK YOU!! then die leh kate org pun ade exam gaks. part ni aku paling BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG GILE BABI sekali. aku paling paling paling pantang org ckp cam tuh. as iF macam aa aku nyer exam lebih penting dari org lain. pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang nenek moyang. aku tak rase exam aku tu ade hal pun dlm hal tu, tu cume my excuse. if exam tu esok ka, 2jam lagi ke, if aku nak pie somewhere, aku pie je. aku bengang sebab die suh aku buat someting dlm mase aku. if aku nak tido ke mase tu, nak tgk tv ke, nak mati ke mase tu, pie mampos aa. aku tak rase aku susah kan org lain. if aku fail, aku yg susah + famili aku yg susah, but defnitely not them. kalau aku jatuh longkang ke, aku yg susah. if aku takdak duit pun, aku yg susah. 'tolong-menolong'? help yourself first b4 you want to help others.

AKU TAK SUKE ORG BREECH AUTONOMY AKU! IT'S MY RIGHT TO MAKE MY OWN DECISION! AKU MMG SUKE DUK BILIK AKU, WAT LA APE MENDE YG AKU SUKE. SUKATI AKU! JGN NAK PAKSE AKU WAT PE2, PIE MANE2, SUH MAKAN KE (PALING2 BENCI!). IYE! AKU MMG DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DAN SELFISH, SO??

aku dono bout other ppl, tapi korang pernah tak rase bile ade org beriye2 nak tolong ko,tak kisah la besar ke kecik, tapi ko taknak org tolong ko? aku dono bout other ppl, but if i can do that particular thing/situation/problem, aku nak buat sendiri. if ade org nak tolong gak, no tq. cause aku akan rase helpless. rase lemah betul. cause if ko tau ko leh buat bende tu, wat pe nak susah kan org lain? ari tu aku pie open house this one senior. aku dtg sorang2. bukannye jauh sgt, but jalan kaki 10 minits gak la. tapi bukannye kat lorong2 gelap pun. semue org insist nak anta aku balik. bukan aku takmo, tapi aku rase ok je if aku jln kaki balik. mase tu kul 7pm. aku tau aku tau, crime/ malang tu tak berbau, but hey, life is full of risks, huh? if ko nak jalan kaki balik umah sendiri pun tak leh, camne ko nak face the whole life yg mmg maha mencabar? lantak aa org kate aku selfish ke ape ke, tapi aku tak mo sesekali rase aku lemah/helpless. bukan aku nak jadi org kuat ke ape, aku tau dan nak jaga diri aku sendiri. sampai bile org nak tolong ko? tu la psl aku suke shopping sorang2, or ngn pomp lain, sbb bile kuar ngn laki, nnt depa insist nak angkat kan brg tu tuk kite. hello? ko tak de tangan sendiri? ko ade kudrat sendiri tu, angkut aa sendiri. most pomp aku rase mesti tak setuju ngn aku. pie mampos la. bile org kate pomp tu makhluk yg lemah, korang marah, tapi korang yg buat sendiri.

aku tau aa pomp leh jadi mangsa rogol. laki pun leh jadi mangsa rogol. yg korang jln tempat pelik2 tu wat pe? jgn buat someting yg seolah2 memanggil org jahat. aku tau aku tau org jahat tu dimana2, ko pakai tudung litup pakai sopan pun leh kene rogol+bunuh. tu random. ORG YG MMG EVIL TU KAT NE2. semue org terdedah ngn org2 jahat. if ko jaga macammane pun, pakai elok cammane pun, percaution hebat GILE camne pun, if dah takdir tu yg ko akan jumpe org jahat tu kat mane2 pun, it will still happen.

aku tgh BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG GILE BABI. pms? ntah. dah la ari tu ade satu mamat ni ingat aku elly wirda! panas panas. tu pun setelah chat 5 minit kot. aku tau la aku nobody kat, like mane2 pun, but toksah la humiliate aku cam tu.

FUCK ALL OF THEM!!

exam mode (ye lar tu, kononnye) - exam next week, 1, 2 and 5th dec.
need all the luck i can have

SELAMAT HARI RAYA SELAMAT HARI RAYA!
very hepi today, thank you very much. it is the best raya so far while being away from me famili. last night was such a nostalgia. there is a couple who stay in our house for two weeks as the husband waits for his graduation next week. kak maznah cooked all raya dishes all day yesterday! nasi himpit, kuah kacang, rendang daging, masa lodeh, kurma, with kak syikin making kek lapis sawarak...wahh. really in the raya mood. then at about 11pm something, there was a group of malaysian guys, frens to abang amir, came to our house to takbir!! cant believe our luck! havent actually hear takbir properly for this past 4 years. then we ate all nite. all nite...then managed to call my mum b4 went to bed. very hepi to hear her hepi voice. talked to my sister as well. then ellina told me that our picture was in berite harian on the 1st hari raya kat mesia! wahh...mizly (our fren kat mesia) told us that our picture is big and coloured. heheheh. wah hepi hepi.all of these in a nite!

woke up this morning with a big smile. can smell the rendang from my room. then i wore my baju kedah kaler dark turqoise. walked together to one of the postgrads house. ate some more (lucky i wore baju kedah...big and has lots of space ;) then went to nadine, armin and ct's house! lepak2. me closest group of frens kat newcastle. then they went to my place. and spent some time there, borak2 with ct and nadine. wat more can i ask? except if elina ade mase tu, it would be better, but she's really tired and need to have her sleep urgently.

borak2. lepak2. with my 2 favouritest ppl in newcastle (and you as well, ellina :p). wat a bless to spend my raya here in newcastle... tq nadine and ct, you made my day

i spent nearly 3 hours cooking this afternoon! from bread pudding, to nasi tomato + ayam masak merah, with kak syikin making arca sayur, and ellina + kak jua buat biskut makmur...semue jadi! so malam ni ade 4 budak pompuan yg tido kebuncitan...

btw...never been this embarassed in my whole life! it just happened about 5 minutes ago. err..pernah aa kot..but dont want to remember it :P. anyway....betul2 malu aa. really missed azali just now, but i run out of phonecard to call him kat mesia. he knew this and didnt expect me to call him until tomoro when i buy a new phonecard. neither that he expect me to buy the phonecard online nor call him in the middle of the night. i missed him so much so i did the unexpected and called him. whoa...someone unexpected picked up the phone while my first word was...guess it..'ayang'...in a you-know-what tone. DO OH. and that unexpected someone was his...dad. DO OH. total humiliation. lo and behold..there is some more...humiliation...huhuhu

chatted with nik, azali's fren at coventry just now. my housemates are mad fans of gensomaiden saiyuki (katon jepun aa) and nik is a huge collector of japanese animation. so i asked nik tu borrow his 6 dvds of GS. since nik tu jenis yg selamba, i thought of telling him 'that' story. DO OH. then he said the same thing used to happen to shahril (another coventrian guy). DO OH??. nik told me that i rang azali, but he was somewhere else, so shahril picked the phone up instead. the same thing happened. if not worse. shahril was shocked, he put the phone down, and needed to put it under a pillow when i tried to call azali's phone several times after that. DO OH. and he told everyone. or what nik had said 'member2'. TOTAL ULTIMATE FUNDEMENTAL DECISIVE CRITICAL OVER-THE-ROOF HUMILIATION. should i known it earlier i would not put a foot on the coventry land again. ever.

me. so. so. embarassed. want. to. dig. a. hole. and. put. me. head. inside.

OMG wot hapen to today's weather? really really gloomy, cloudy, and...grey. it's 1.38 in the afternoon but the temp is 2 degrees outside! ......

woke up late today, almost miss the final Rugby World Cup match! the game's between England and Australia started at 9am, but i woke up at 10.51! mmg actually dah supposed to abis, luckily they got seri 14 all and needed to have extra time match for 20 minutes. whoa... both players looked really tired. Australian had the brawn, but i think the English have better tactics and a little bit more luck. the first extra time (ie first 10 minutes) the English managed to get a penalty and Jonny Wilkinson had increased the total point to 17. Jonny Wilkinson is soooooo damn good! not only he got a cute face, muscular body, but he also got brains (lawyer woo...wah..cair). my new hero...anyway, on the 2nd half of the extra time, and minute18 to be precised, the Australian got a penalty and managed to level the points to 17 all. oh noo...we got only 2 minutes to settle this or else they will have sudden death (dono wot it is, just heard the commentator said). then whoa...here comes Wilkinson, scoring a goal at the last essential final minutes (or i might say, seconds). England has won the Rugby World Cup with 20-17 score against former world champion, Australia.

since when did i support England team? dono. since when did i watch rugby? dono. since when did i become a commentator? dono. i do know i am a sport-event freak (thanx to azali and my dad). snooker, football, F1, athletics and now rugby, any sport will do. a new interest of mine

happy happy. bungkusan kuih raya dah sampai! percaya tak if aku kate ni first kuih raya dari mesia for this past 4 years? my famili is too lazyy to post kuih raya to me, so this year i beg azali to post it to me instead! muarhehehe. sian azali, dah la tak keje lagi, aku plak mintak macam2. saje je tu. bile lagi nak ngada2 heheh. pastu, bagai pucuk dicita ulam mendatang (betul ke ni huh? tak sia2 bm spm dpt a1 heheh. aplikasi bahasa melayu sebenar kawan2), famili aku pun anta gaks! muarhehehe. maybe tu sampai tomoro. looking forward for tomoro!

besides that, nothing huh. woke up, forcing meself to study. then went sleepy, pastu tido lagi! mueheheh. uneventful day

a bit annoyed. it happens everytime. every ppl think living/studying abroad is VEEERRRYYY good. they adore you. they admire you. bosan bosan. ingat bagus sgt ke duk oversea? I DONT THINK SO. if only, if only i can turn back time, i would prefer to stay kat malaysia. full stop.

if you chat, ppl on the other side tend to ask. well, sape suh chat at the first place, tapi every now and then bosan gak with msn/yahoo messenger (frens always bz/away/etc), i just want to borak2 kosong. so pie aa irc. they ask you. then they dont believe you. fine with me, but hate being labelled penipu. and they ask and ask again. took a while for them to believe (doesnt matter to me whether they believe it or not...just want to chat!) and then batak sakan. ask tu la ask ni la. phrase paling benci: 'mesti bestkan study/duk sane'. bla bla bla. my main reason to chat is to borak2 kosong. be a normal person. chat with a stranger tend to make me forget how misrable my life can be sometimes. then there are some ppl who adores my course..lagi sakit ati! anyone yg suke sgt medic tu...amik la...AMIK la! would be more than hepi to change with anyone. and there will be some ppl yg jeles la etc etc. and the list goes on...

be grateful for what you have.

what did i do? kene aa tipu. change your location (but the irc's ip no show your exact location). change your course. then kantoi la plak. 'study kat ne? mesia. kat ne? itm. amik ape? errr...bla bla bla. should i stop irc-ing?

ps: just watch Love Actually. best gile!! i recommend it to everyone. sweet sweet. make me smile all way back home...

bosan bosan bosan
malaih nyer nak belaja
maybe dlm gene aku kot. hmm...ayah aku tu leh tahan workaholic gak, though die tak ngaku. he's 50 this year, tapi masih kuat keje, kuat motivasi nak buat keje, very dedicated. die jenis yg tak leh duk diam. though die sibuk sgt keje, tapi still ade mase buat hobi die. die ni suke meng-kodi bende2 buruk. dari aku kecik lagi, die suke beli 2nd (or 3rd/4th etc) motor la, kete la, pastu simpan belakang umah, pastu abis keje pun, die akan spend hours kat 'bengkel' die tu, buat la pe2 yg patut. pastu bile kenderaan tu dah leh jalan, dah cat everything la, die jual balik. bukan nak pakai. then, lepas jual (tak untung pun), die akan beli bende buruk yg lain, kodi meng-kodi la die dgn gumbiranye. skrg die ade satu wolksagen (kat kuantan), dan satu kete mini (kat ampang). since we all ade 2 umah kan, tu la psl die nak 2 bende tu. my mum nyer bebelan dah tak mkn. tapi tu la my dad. he's very creative and innovative gaks. tiap2 kali aku balik sekolah ke, asrama ke, dari uk ke, die akan bagitau aku 'plan2' die. skrg ni die tgh nak buat 'almari pengering baju'. siap ngn pelan, graphic, budget, everything la. dulu seingat aku la, die pernah ade idea nak buat pengopek durian automatic, garlic nyer mesin, dah yg paling besar ialah something about speedboat, tapi aku tak pasti. tapi oleh kerana die sgt sibuk, byk2 idea ni tersangkut kat tgh jalan, though kdg2 aku nampak ok gak. tak cukup kete2 dan idea2 die tu, die skrg ade kedai golf gak. die kate bosan sgt tak tau nak buat pe kdg2 tu (aku rase ayah aku tak tau ape itu katil, bantal, tv etc hihi). kedai golf die tu kecik je, kat satu kelab golf kat kuantan ni. selain jual brg2 golf, die akan amik tempahan tuk tukar handle batang golf tu. sape yg tau main golf tau aa bende ni. suke betul la die buat bende2 ni. kesimpulannye (fuh finally) die mmg rajin la. so, aku tak rase kemalasan aku ni dtg dari die...

me mum. hmm...cant say much about how she did her work sbb die housewife. tapi my dad pernah kate mase mude2 dulu die rajin. leh amik tempahan msk, anything la. tapi skrg die dah 48, this year, then anak2 semue dah besar, so die duk umah je la. tapi die tak de lar malas cam aku ni. die buat aa gak keje every now and then, ikut kemampuan die aa. dah aa last couple of years die ade operation, so takleh buat keje berat2 sgt.

so, the question of where does my LAZINESS come from? hmm...maybe from my dad's big famili. aku rase depa leh tahan malas gaks (pandai2 je! hihi). oklah..kesimpulannye...tak yah ler nak blame sape2 if ko tu malas...if malas sgt tu..blame yourself..ahaks

hahah sakit kapala. blur sungguh. tu aa..bgn lambat. semalam tido lambat. kul 3. bukan studi ye makcik ct, tapi buat blog ni huh. but worth it aa. ultimate satisfaction (er..of course la after upacara pembunuhan penuh tragis kaum slugs MUARHAHAHA). anyway, then bangun kul 4.45 sahur + a few things that i have to do. then study sat, mata dah berputar2. kul 6.30 dah padam balik. then sakit kapala bgn kul 12. adoi. me kind of ppl yg tak leh bgn lambat sgt. the latest 10. pastu if tido balik tappe. adoi. blank blank.

got disturbed into something. have you ever got a feeling that someone hates you so much? someone yg langsung tak nak cross your path, if leh bayang ko pun die taknak jumpe. err...i used to hate someone so much that i used to shout, lompat2, sepak2, shaking2 gile, sorang2 aa kat bilik, whenever i meet her. but it only lasted for a year, the most, then okla, time heals, aku dan die pun hanye manusia biase yg tak sempurna. skrg leh la jumpe die, borak2 sat2, not more that 5-10 minits.

but i believe that there is someone out there who doesnt like me at all, for this past 6 years. 6 years, lame tu...hmm...ape la yg dah aku buat. hebat tul impactnye sampai 6 tahun. sampai skrg. there was guy, who knew that i liked him. used to be classmates for form4, form5. but biasela, takde sape suke kat aku (azali..hmm...he's from another planet). this guy liked another girl, who was our classmates too. takpe aa. sedey gak mase tu, but hey, LIFE GOES ON. lu tak suke gua, fine la. life goes on. then, there were other events as well (ayo..classmates for 2 years..myk la bende happened kan). we were in the same bwp bureau as well etc (haha..sport bureau with budi, my classmates gak, ngn tie, yan, me and that guy..fuyo..me..sporty..?). ntah la. thought dah settle. 0-0. then a few years later, tgh discuss2 kat irc between ex-classmates la ni, nak plan buat gathering. i was so hepi at that time, dpt chat ngn ex-classmates. chatted ngn semue org, tapi bile tried to chat with him, die terus log-off. WTH? then a few years later, pie unitel kat melaka. jumpe ramai org. somebody told me he was there, but no where to be seen! he was there, like 5 minit ago. dono. and there were other things as well. chatted with mu'azzah just now, my ex-classmates as well, and knew that guy pretty well also. mu' ckp that guy taknak ckp ngn aku langsung sbb rase aku still nak kat die lagi. HELLO? THAT WAS 6 DAMN FUCKING YEARS AGO? DOES HE KNOW BOUT THE PHRASE 'LIFE GOES ON'?? lepas die, aku minat byk org2 lain, laki ade, pomp pun ade (heheh). tara hal nyer. i dont care/mind if he doesnt like to talk to me because i'm a bad person etc, but the thought of me still having those feeling for him? THAT IS SICK!! marah gile.

but since nak raya kan, aku nak aa settle. i admit i made a few silly mistakes in the past, i apologize. to azam503, aku sori bebyk atas semue bende, hope we can be in speaking term again. that was 6 years ago, you and i know we'd changed to a different person now. a better new person. selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin.

wah..rase best sgt2 skrg ni. very2 excited! iyela, baru belaja + practise template, html etc. pastu jadi plak tu. mule2 nak try2 gitu2 je, then jadi plak tu, encourage me to do more and more. pastu tanye elina psl font + color kat coding, pastu semue jadi plak tu...wahh...besh besh!

i thank the creator of computers. bless them

how to describe my feeling now.. excited + anxious + euthusiastic!

an uneventful day.
woke up late, went to shower, then went to books. books books books. study. not too much though. havent finished cvs. my mistake to start with a long topic. sigh

alo alo
kali ni i was moved by ellina's topic in her blog. tappe yer elina..hihi. ready guys..ready ngn muntah ijau korang heheh

azali. die suke wat lawak. sakit perut tahan ketawa when he's around. mostly lawak spontan, sometimes tu lawak gile3 bodo..but i like it hihi

and azali pun terer kompter. really admire ppl yg terer kompter, dont ask why. my preference. whenever he's doing his computing skill, anything la..waahh..rase besh. besh besh. sengih sampai telinga heheh

my feeling dtg lambat gile. 3 years! it started with a smile. whenever i see him, i just smile. a nice and comfort feeling inside you. then i smile wider. (hihi..tgh sengih lebar gile skrg ni whenever i think of him). after several months, i feel my face warm. the warmth then gradually moves downwards, and finally it reaches my heart. a warmth feeling which is really comforting, soothing and delighting. it's a mixed feeling, but i know it feels great. ingat dulu everytime nak jumpe die, kene naik train. whether he's going north to newcastle or i'm going down to coventry. 5 hours ++. then i'll wait either inside the train or at the central station. the last 5 minutes tu berdebar2. dono why. anxious, happy, eager and a bit shy as well. then i see his face. start to smile, and the process begins. the warmth remains until i send him back (or he send me back) at the train station. sedey sat. but there is always some warmth. a tiny winy warmth is enuff. although i havent met him for 2 months and 27 days today, the warmth is still there. he's close to me.

i dedicate this blog to azali. thank you azali, for all the love, support, care and everything you gave me... you still do. you made my day. love you

ha. ha. ha.
numb. empty. hole. zero.
wanted to upgrade and improve my blog. but dono how to do it. tried everything. useless. it's a fact i'm no good at this thing. very frustated. a while ago i was very euthusiastic bout templates, html etc. but i was stucked. frustated. maybe should blame it on cadbury's cocha mocha. bcause of the caffeine. it tends to make me 'hyper' and over-do something that i know i'm not any good at. and i'm not supposed to do this! exam 2 weeks agi makcik...

but the euthusiasm is still there. i always fascinate computers. bout how it works, all the programmes, even the physical appearance always give me 'walamak...caya gaban woo' feeling. at the same time i feel it's distant and full of mystery. something that i know i cant be good at, becauce it's too....damn intelligent. i guess that's why i respect and adore ppl who are good at computers. one reason i like azali (other reason ada gaks aa haha).

ayoyo. frust frust. sigh. talked to azali just now. thought he would understand me. only too much. he already know the answer. the only thing that prevent me from grasping this computer thingy is that i already set my mind on how hard it is. 'maner der susah sgt...tapir pun leh buat'. it is too hard for me, and i dont think i can learn it, not in million years. easy for him to say...though i know it's true. but still think it's too hard for me. always and always think it's too much for my mind to accept. fact.

then sigh again. susah aa if you want to change a fact. or i find it hard to change a fact. a fact will always be a fact. the fact that some ppl are good in something and some ppl are not. it's in the statistic. the fact that i'll always be at the other side of the spectrum is kinda hard to change. azali told me to learn the basic, there're lots of website about learning templates, html bla bla bla. he even told me to find his old Dreamweaver cd that he left me. he told me Dreamweaver is very easy, has it's own ready-made template etc. think i would believe him? nope. easy for him. not for me

degil nyer otak aku ni. fact.

should i learn or should i stick to the old one?

1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the
one who is, won't make you cry.

2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way
you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love
you with all they have.

3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your
hand and touches your heart.

4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting
right beside them knowing you can't have them.

5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because
you never know who is falling in love with your
smile.

6. To the world you may be one person, but to one
person you may be the world.

7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who
isn't willing to waste their time on you.

8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before meeting the right one, so that when we
finally meet the person, we will know how to be
grateful.

9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it
happened.

10. There's always going to be people that hurt
you so what you have to do is keep on trusting
and just be more careful about who you trust next
time around.

11. Make yourself a better person and know who
you are before you try and know someone else and
expect them to know you.

12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when
you least expect them to.

a cold friday morning
study study study. so far so good, kot. lom tekan minyak sgt. cause i dont want to gelabah cepat2. need to control my adrenaline level...cool down a little bit..sayang my jantung

suke pie wirda nyer blog. she writes honestly.

never like romance/love book. never actually finish one. it's ILLOGICAL. real world will not be like that. not even a pinch. i'm a kind of person who always berpijak di bumi yg nyata. keep real. keep logic. LOGIC LOGIC LOGIC. i believe the statistic..yup, the bell shape distribution..i truly believe. dont think i believe in miracle. what you give is what you get back. and i know what i want. life is short, and i dont want to waste it in Dilemmas. it's a waste to spend time deciding. once you decide, there's no looking back. eat, live and die for your decision, as a loser is someone who regrets his decision.

tough huh? easy say than done. well, that's me. though lately i keep on losing it. start to regret. passivity. negativity. more yang than yin. my body cant seem to cope, but my mind says cope cope cope. my mind said eat, live and die for your decision, but my body's too fed up with all the orders from the mind. my mind controls my body for this past 23 years. i respect my mind more than i respect my body. and i really really hate my body. dono. dono. it was sad. my caunsellor once asked me why did i hate my body? dono. then she asked me, if my future daughter has the same face and body physical as me, what will i feel? what will i say to her? i went numb. I FEEL SORRY FOR HER. that was my answer. an honest answer. i wouldnt lie to her.

my life's complicated. as a believer in statistic, i believe other ppl's life are too. except for the extreme 5% at both end of the bell shape. my aim in life is to be in the 6-94% of the normal distribuation. be as normal as can be, with both feet firm on the ground. keep real

alo alo
another day to go through. as if i'm already bored to live my life? bet i am. though it's not nice to say such thing. but what the hell..i can say/write whatever i want. la la la

went to see the caunsellor this morning. again. sigh. bile la berenti jumpe die. donno. have another appointment in 2 weeks time. sigh. no.. i do feel relief whenever i met her. she always give good advice. a good listener as well. but the thought that i'm having a routine appointment to see a caunsellor...not a good thing to hear. true true.

afternoon seminar've been cancelled. sort of. another ethics seminar. 2 hours. actually this morning 've already decided to go to that seminar, but then most of my groupmates cant be bothered to go. dont want to be the nerd one. hence change my mind. the seminar is not actually cancelled. 2-4pm.

me and my boring life

alo alo alo
nothing much happen today. biase aa..woke up at 8.00am, gosok gigi, pakai baju, sikat rambut, kemas beg, pakai lipstick, then pakai coat, stokin, then jalan kaki pie sekolah. aku jalan lambat, so 25 minits baru sampai. not bad. light exercise every morning. really useful. esp when the doc said that the adrenaline level is high in my blood, so she advised to do more physical exercise. cant afford to go to gym, so leh la tu jalan kaki pie sekolah every morning. ooo...high adrenaline level tu aa yg buat aku cuak selame ni. hormone for the fight or flight situation. okla lately ni, takde aa rase palpitation sgt aka rase mcm jantung ko nak meletup bile2 mase, less shaking, less tremor. i think i can do this. i think i can do this. i mean i think i can carry on with this high-expectation/demand etc course. i think i can carry on this life.

balik sekolah, ngntuk. tido sat. bangun2 je, lagi 15 minits nak buke posa. okla kan hihi. msk mee goreng. termasin. obvious sgt nak kawen. ckp psl kawen, tadi pie frenster sat. nampak fatin dan hafiz/lisa kawin. omg, really2 nak kawin. huhu. bukan ari tu just promised myself dah taknak tgk gambar org kawin ke? huhu. ckp ngn azali..die tak layan. then gile2 bad mood. gile2 babi. i know i'm not supposed to tell this to anyone, lebih2 lagi tulih kat blog. tapi pedulik ape. dont think anyone baca pun blog ni. bengang. malu. azali selalu mcm tu. tak pernah suke ckp psl famili la, kawin la, or anything future. i know it's not appropriate sometimes, cause it's way far in the future, but hey..i'm a typical girl who wants assurance. i want security. it's not like i want to do it now NOW, but just to have the thought and share it with someone. bla bla bla. azali selalu mcm tu. i know he's serious enuff with me, but i guees i need more than that. i need assurance. i need to know that it's not just a dream...thought i can say/talk anything with him, but no, i cant. some things are better left inside.............

ade hati nak buat tagboard, dah register dah pun, dah dpt template, tapi taktau nak letak kat ner? HA HA. kene aa tanye wirda or azali la nampaknye. satu bende psl azali yg aku suke (hihi..iklan sket hoho), die cepat paham ngn ape yg aku tanye. kekwn aku selalu kate aku ni ckp pusing2, aku mmg ade masalah tuk describe someting or sampaikan any msg, apparently aku ckp CEPAT sgt, sbb otak aku is faster compared to my speech ability (ni aku agak aa). so anytime aku ade masalah, anything aa...aku susah tul nak suh org paham. most ppl makan mase tuk paham ape yg aku tak paham. got wot i mean? tapikan...if ckp azali...magic...die terus jawab soalan aku tu ngn tepat sekali. aku tanye sekali je, die jawab pertanyaan aku ngn tepat sekali haha. contohnye macam aku tak paham psl template ari tu, spl gambar background etc etc. aku tanye wirda. wirda mmg gaban psl komp2 ni, tu mmg aku tak nafikan, tapi die keep on giving me wrong answer. tak tak...jawapan die betul, tapi aku tak paham mende lain, die jawab bende lain. pastu aku tanye azali...fuh..tu kat phone je..die terus paham ape yg aku tak paham. sori wirda, bukan salah ko, cume aku nyer bahasa ni kekadang aku sendiri pun tak paham. hope lain kali if aku tanye ko psl komp, ko tak kisah..hihi

finally dah tgk matrix. it SUXX!! for a person who really like previous matrix(s) and never give bad review about that 2 previous movies, ni maknenye matrix 3 mmg sux la. first 1/3 okla..dragging, but still ok, 2nd 1/3 best gile,fight fight fight, kill kill kill, die die die. then finale 1/3....mak aaii...graph aku jatuh gile babi..what an ending. frust gile babi. babi yg gile pun tak frust cam aku frust. huh. for anybody yg tak tgk matrix3 lagi...sory aa. it's just a personal view. i used to be matrix no 1 fan, so i think my view leh pakai gak (i think). ha ha

lately ni asyik penat je. penat sgt2. rase cam pomp pregnant plak. (cam aku pernah pregnant..though i wish sgt2 nak pregnant skrg ni!! lol). semlm tido awai gile, 10.30 dah babai dunia dah. ari ni pun penat sgt. tapi kene pie session petang gak. semlm aku decide tuk tak pie session petang, tgk matrix instead (HAHA), so today i really think i need to go for the afternoon session (though i dont want to go, again).

tetibe rase taknak tulih pe2 lagi. otak aku mmg selalu cam ni, die leh tukar TETIBE je. kdg2 mase aku tgh ckp2 pun, suddenly aku dah tak nak ckp lagi. so..bye bye

ngantuk ngantuk..langsung takle nak concentrate. should i stay or should i go? wa...ngantuknye..

pie blog wirda tadik..pastu pie aa blog kirah. sedey...tetibe berkaca2 mata ni tadi while kat komp lab ni. sejak 2,3 months lepas ni..dono la wot happen, tapi senang gile nangis. wirda, you know me huh, i'm not crying crying type of person kan? ayoyo..ni semue sejak pie counselling sessions tu aa. feel more, think less. the result: become more emotional. ari tu tgk ballet kat tv pun leh nangis teresak2. dono la wot happen..

back to cite tadi, takziah aku ucapkan. though aku tak kenai depa (though aku kenai ijat), tapi aku turut tumpang sedey. alfatihah..sedey sedey..

tanak tulih pe2 lagi

ish..tak caya tak caya...tak tgk matrix 3 lagi..maybe nak tgk tomoro..ha ha..skip afternoon session..colposcopy..who want to see other ppl's vaginas all afternoon? not me for sure. enuff vaginas for 3 weeks...

ayoyo..2000 words essay on other ppl vaginas?? too lazy to write. cant even bothered. had wrote 600 words and i'm stuck rite now.

a fairly not-so-good day. had waited to talk to azali since morning but he was busy putting the tv aerial la, change the car's cushion covers la etc etc. excuses. sampai tertido2 tunggu die call balik. tunggu sampai 3.15ptg die tak call..siap aa. pastu saya aa kene call...pastu..history. bengang bengang.

then lepas tepon...pk pk balik. pomp mmg byk sgt pk. nyesal la plak. sian die. he was trying hard laa gak tadi. me biasela.. never accept any excuse bile bengang. buruk perangai tul la.nak call die balik, ego.if tak call, asyik teringat2 kekejaman tadi. haha. still donno how and why azali leh tahan...sometimes pk nyer pk nyer pk...think he deserves someone better. i am a very individualistic and independent person. took me 3 damn years to accept him. and that 3 years..caye la..i was mean, cruel, kurang ajar bla bla. azali tu takde la bagus sgt, tapi for sure die baik aa.. i bet my beloved tv yg die mmg baik ati...
l
a la la..better sambung buat essay psl vagina org...

adoi..
was VERY excited an hour ago when wirda taught me about templates, links etc for this blog. azali used to tell me about this webbies thingy, but never actually experience it myself since i got him to do it for me instead. but when i am on my own now to build this blog...it was VERY excited to actually get involve and do it yourself. was quite hyper and everything excited to do it myself since i now know a tiny winy about this thing.

then i made a mistake by taking a supper. blame it to my housemates esp elina haha. when your stomach is full and it's 11.52 pm and you just want to start doing something new and difficult and computer is your weakest subject...then it's not so good la. start to get tired. then bored. then annoyed. with all the time spent. last last..tada pa2. cume manage to change the title's colours and font. ha ha

such a wasteful day. doing nothing. NOTHING. not even mandi. manage to cook lontong, siap ngn nasi impit, though...
miss azali. a lot. donno why. i am not like this. honestly. the phone bill will surely give me headache next month...

elly

got this from wirda's
suke gile buat bende2 nih...aku amik yer wirda..


1. First Name: Ellyana
2. Were you named after anyone? not directly, but my sis's Ellysa, and they first thought i was a boy, and didnt prepare a girl name, hence...
3. Do you wish on stars?: Yup
4. Which finger(s) is/are your favorite? : ring finger kot
5. When did you last cry? no


6. Do you like your handwriting? nope...it keeps changing..donno y
7. What is your favorite meat: anything will do (jgn pork aa)
8. Any bad habits? tonyoh mata..takde eyelashes skrg (tipu aa)
9. What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf? dono
10. If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you? : think so


11. Are you a daredevil? sometimes
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? nope..i hope i'm not
13. Do looks matter? YES
14. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid? : 'jikalau, walaubagaimana, hatta'....
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? : Nope


16. Do fish have feelings? if they're alive, yes
17. Are you trendy?: trying..dono wot other ppl think
18. How do you release anger? : shut myself in the room, with loud music
19. Where are your second homes? kuantan


21. What was your favorite toy as a child?: cabbage patch kid doll
22. What class in school do you think is totally useless? : ethics
24. Have you ever been on radio or television? : nope
25. Do u keep a journal?: Yes


26. Do you use sarcasm a lot? : sometimes..depends on my mood
27. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? ??
28. What do you look for in a guy/girl? : smart, funny, honest
29. What are your nicknames? : elly, nina, kinot
30. Would you bungee? nooo


31. Do you un-tie your shoes when you take them off? : Nope
32. What are you worried about right now: final exam in 3 weeks time
33. Do you ever wear overalls? : dulu mase kecik2
35. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? : chocolate


37. What is your least fav. thing in the world? : driving!!!
38. How many wisdom teeth do you have? : only one
39. Are you in love with anyone? aha
40. How many people have a crush on you right now?: none


41. What do you miss most right now? : lontong...

alo alo
malasnye ari ni. one whole day lectures about ethics. ethics?? ethics!! bored like hell. no right answer bla bla bla just talking shit bla bla bla. and a register will be taken for attending the seminar. wot the f***!?? never mind. since its ramadhan, might as well control my language and be polite-r. ha ha.
was quite disturbed last night. seen this one wedding from a camcorder, recorded last summer. it's not like i was jealous or dengki etc, but just...disturbed. such a nice (and grand!)wedding, happy faces, pretty hantarans, not to mention the GOLD pelamin. not that i prefer grand or gold wedding, but the thought of having such a happy event, with loved ones...it did disturbed me. sampai ngigau2 last nite. it's not like i'm desperately wanted to get married, but as i mentioned b4, the thought of having such a happy event, with your loved one, families and frens, is making me...sad...as i cant possibly have that right now. need to wait. 2 more damn years. 2 more damn fucking suffering years.
ha ha..azali will be working for my dad at kuantan, very very soon. dont know whether it's a good or bad idea. will write more about that later....ha ha

elly

la la la
this is my 3rd attempt to have what you guys said as 'personal diary on the net'.
1st one was a disaster. 2nd one was quite ok, actually loving it, but it was so hard to update the blog (lebih2 if 90% of it is somebody else's work, and that somebody already moved away from you, hence i donno how to do it now)
la la la. just finish my session for today. ponteng a seminar, which just started 5 minutes ago. tada mood..as usual. actually kat meds school sekrg, on the thursday afternoon. self-directed learning session for the afternoon aka free aa tu. ingat nak pie town, maybe watch matrix3, but just promised my housemates that we're going to watch it together this saturday.
money money money. too scared to overspend. waiting for the electric + gas bill to come in 10 days. it's a 3 months bill...scary. donno how much i need to pay.
oklah, need to go back. tak posa..ha ha...want to go back and eat.
la la la. trying to cheer myself...again

elly