12/05/2003 03:03:00 PM 0 Comments »
FOOHHH...LEGA. really really relieved. i know the result hasnt come out yet, and i dont deserved to celebrate too much. but still think i deserve to have a break.

just finished my OSCE paper this morning, 11pm to be precised. after a terrible/horrible nite. after worst days ever. suddenly i went panic. i mean, REALLY PANIC + GELABAH + CUAK + SUICIDAL, semue ade. was actually surprised last monday and tuesday when i did my first 2 papers. calm. ready. good confident, but not over. the pace was just nice. tranquility. then came wednesday and thursday b4 the OSCE paper on friday.

it was really really bad. the nite b4 the OSCE. honestly if i havent thought of Allah, i would have commit suicide. dead serius. i dont care ANYTHING at that moment. not my mum, family, even azali come across my mind. i was really really down. drop minus confident. dont think i can carry on this life. life feels useless. empty. hole. dont care. dont want to care. it was too much for me to handle. too many heartache. i dont feel sad. just useless. useless. useless. too many questions but with too little answer

then azali called. i was just burst out crying when i heard his voice. i was totally forgotten about him. i was damn misrable. he clarified me on the things that make me feel like this. I WAS SCARED. scared for the OSCE. scared for failing this paper. scared of the feeling after the exams, esp OSCE. my worst paper. i used to have nightmares for months for my last OSCE. it was damn horrible. and i was also scared of everything. scared to continue this life. life's too complicated. and misrable. dont think i want it anymore. then azali asked me to write on a piece of paper, everything that i have in my mind. quite silly, but i did it. 4 pages long. full of questions. then i throwed it away. i felt a bit relieved, but also sad. sad because the writing on those papers was mine. those thought was mine. and it is mine. will always be mine.

i dont want to be in that situation again. but somehow i know i will. cause it used to happen to me before. it was bad. the previous scar remains fresh. and now there is another. so i think i will have another one..

dont know when will it happen. too scared. i dont want it. but it keep coming back. i know i wont do anything silly, but sooner or later i know i will. scared of losing my mind, again, but more scared if i lose my body and soul. you never know when it will happen, you never know when will you lose your mind, and now you never know when will you start doing something. anything. scared of losing control. of yourself. damn i'm crying rite now. for the sadness of my life. pitied myself. a loser. freak

may Allah give me enough strengh. to carry on this life.
be strong and stable.