My World

i mean my trip to london. tak sabar tak sabar!

just paid for the hotel, bought an oyster card for all the journeys there, all online. just need to find that tube map somewhere in my room. i'm sure i have one, just need to find it. what shall i wear? the hotel is so centrally located, at covent garden, and i so like that area! british museum is just a quarter mile from the hotel, and all oxford street etc are all within walking distance. great! i'll also going to visit my good cousins at sheperd's bush, since raya kan, so going to have good raya meal as well.

cant wait!

it's going to be great trip. i just knew it.

self-reminder:
1) need to find that tube map. ESSENTIAL.
2) ask nad or someone about some good malay restaurant in london. need some good food!
3) pack my stuff. maybe this weekend.
4) should i buy the london eye ticket? i've been wanting to go up there since last year, but i'm not sure whether it's worth the 13 pounds ticket. hmm.. plus i need to buy the british museum ticket as well (entrance is free, but 10pounds for special exhibition like China's Teracota Armies exhibition). hmm i'll have a think about it. need to do so quickly tho.
5) buy some chocolates for my cousins when i come and visit her and her kids.
6) what else what else? i'll give it a think tonight.

ok, i need to go to work, hopefully i'll get my pay today, so that's some extra money for the trip! looking forward to have a great tourist trip, with interesting places to visit, hopefully good shopping bargains (handbags and more handbags!), having a tub of haagen daz's belgian chocolate in front of the tele and some relaxing time in the bathtub! yippee!!

havent blogged for some time.

not sure where to start.

well i still have to start somewhere, dont i?

am still stuck in the same phase. the very same phase that i started 7 years ago. fuh. long time huh 7 years. three quarter of a decade? gosh i'm old. i feel ancient. seriously.

dont know what else to write. i found it difficult to write when i'm bitter.

well i still have to write something, dont i?

so it's going to be my 7th year of aidilfitri away from home. sigh. this year i plan to spend it differently. i'm up for a trip to london on my own. am gonna wander around. already plan to go to british museum for their china's teracota armies exhibition. it's not like they are going to come to malaysia, right? so might as well see them while i can. and there's also tutankhamun's tomb exhibition somewhere in london as well, so that's a must to see (geek!). i like acting like a tourist. in fact i like being someone totally different. anyone, except my own. sad, innit?

anyway, that's the plan. london in 2 weeks time. good. i like organised plan. just hope that the weather south is better than here up north. i swore it was less than 5 degrees yesterday. today is cold as well. damn i shipped my good coat back home, all i have now is my old one. but it's also my favourite one. guess i have to make do of it.

am currently listening to high school musical soundtrack songs. i've watched the movie 4 times already. zac efron is soo hot!! he's young, i know, but it's not like i want to marry him huh. young talents are so refreshing (hihi).

fotopages everywhere are full with babies' pictures. and i want one too :(

you know what, when i'm going back, i'm going to marry that fiance of mine, and we gonna have babies and babies and babies and babies

huh talking about desperado hahah

anyway, this is my failing attempt to write. less than 2 months to go, and lets hope i can put my life back on track. adios

i'm still here..

too busy, and lazy (more of the latter) to blog. nothing to write, well that's untrue, well there's nothing worth to write. i try not to whinge in my blog, and that consists of mostly of my life nowadays, hence nothing worth writing here. i'll let pictures do most of the talk now..

happy birthday to me :)

i've got these for my birthday:

from ellina and shanti, respectively. they know their housemate well. really well. love it!

nad gave me the chocs. no, not that size, it's DOUBLE. mmg nak org gemuk tul. dah la dark choc tu, my fav. thanks nad!

and that dress.. hehe mama got it for me. well, she gave me some cash and i decided to spend it on this bapak gorgeous dress. my first proper night dress! bile nak pakai, i dont know, but i'm sure there'll be some occasion in the future. azali likes it too, so more of the reasons to love it! and that shoes :) i bought it for myself. best best. supercomfy, and i'm a huge fan of buckles and buttons :D

but i want this now hehe. cant decide between those two. lawa... but dont think i can afford it right now huhu

or

hehe

and it's going to be the end of a 3-year era. goodbye housemates! will gonna miss living with you guys. 3 years living together, and 6 years with that girl with the red dress, i think that's an achievement! we got on well most of the time, and we shared a lot. i'll write more later... emo emo..



and i've got this gorgeous little thing too :) introducing my niece, maisarah bt ridzman. COMEL!! never thought i would care for someone whom i've never met! she's the apple of everyone's eyes at the moment, ai cucu first la katekan, my dad's first words when he hold her was, 'i'm so going to spoil you!' and that's huge, coming from a guy who used to dislike children.

today is another good day :)

slept at 7 o'clock this morning and woke up a 12pm. bless. spent the whole night, or shall i say, morning, watching sex and the city dvd which i borrowed from ellina. had a nice chat with azali, with my eyes half open, before i went to bed. then when i woke up 5 hours later, i decided that my room is messy and that i need to clean it. i'm in a middle of packing my stuff, dividing them into 3 separate sides, one that i shall ship back home, then one that i need to bring to sunderland, then finally one side that i'm using everyday. and i managed to finish sorting my last box this morning and i feel good. my room is clean and tidy and i like that :)

it's pretty cloudy outside, i wish it would rain. i dont mind raining, as long as there is no wind. wind can be really nasty, when it blows, it can hit you hard and makes you feel feverish and sick. but if it's just rain, i dont mind. it reminds me of home.

cant wait for harry potter book to come out this friday. well, saturday early morning. i need to make a good preparation. i need to get a good sleep the night before, sort out the food for the whole weekend, so that i can concentrate and spend my whole time on the book. now that i had finished packing and my room is clear, so everything is almost sorted.

just wanted to mention that i watched transformers last sunday and it was a BLAST! i know i know, they watched it in malaysia ages ago, but here in the uk, the official screening is next week, but the super resourceful ellina managed to find a cinema that screens it 2 weeks before the premier. best giler best giler. i was sitting at the edge of my sit throughout the movie, and i'm so gonna watch it again. not this weekend tho, cos i'm gonna commit 100% of my time and energy for the new harry potter book hehe

oklah, i'm going to watch the remaining 3 episodes of the last season of SATC, then i shall cook for dinner. this week is my last week of holiday before starting again on monday, and i'm gonna spend it doing all the stuff that i like: tv, dvd, sleep, eat hihi

it was a good day. it started last night, well, this very early morning, when i managed to gather enough courage to call my mum. it turned out that she was, well, better than i expected, which was good. we had a good chat and i went to bed after that and had a pleasant sleep.

the alarm woke me up at 9am, with a note of reminder - 'harry potter 5th movie! wake up!' :D. i managed to stretch my sleep for an extra half an hour before i finally left my bed. couldnt decide on what to wear so i relied on a black top which was a safe choice, you might say. it was drizzling outside, but still i decided to walk to town. nothing could affect my morning, i thought, cos i know i'll be watching a good movie soon. poyo poyo..

i arrived at the cinema 10 minutes early but it was already half full. in the last potter movie i managed to be the 1st person who entered the cinema and had the privilage of choosing the best seat, but it's ok this time, at least i'll be watching it with shanti, and not alone, like before. she arrived a few minutes before the movie started, and i know i'll be lost in that world again.

:DDDDDD

i wont be giving any review about the movie, cos i'll be very, very biased. and i dont care what other review/people think, but i like it :D

lost in thoughts sat.... thinking about how gorgeous harry is now, and that i'm no longer feeling guilty of fancying him since he's now 18 heheh...

ok, back to reality. after the movie we walked around town, had a quick lunch and then lepak at starbucks for about an hour, waiting for ellina to arrive. then shanti left for her massage, and my other housemate arrived not soon after that. jalan-jalan, shopping-shopping, well window shopping la la la. summer sales are everywhere. i really like this one black dress from monsoon but it costs a fortune and i definitely couldnt afford it, but i never have any proper black dress, or what they call it nowadays - little black dress or LBD. poyo poyo haha. elly, you definitely cannot afford that dress so stop dreaming about it. plus i dont have any occasion to wear it for pun...

then one of my favourite shop has started their summer sale as well. accesorize has pretty handbags, hats and accesories that i'm sort if into it at the moment. i like good quality handbags, girly but not too sweet, i like embroidery and i dont mind colourful and funky sequines and buttons and pins as well, as long as it's not too much. cute, but not too small, different but not too quirky. and this shop seems to have it all. then i had this conversation with ellina on where to find all this in malaysia. it seems ages ago when i left malaysia, and i honestly dont know where to find a good shop there anymore. a good, not too expensive handbag and shoes shop in malaysia. somewhere i can spend my money on and satisfy my thirst for more handbags and shoes and clothes and everything that i like. this is important you know..

i bet nadine will say - when people around the world are worried about poverty and war, and all that i'm worried about is finding where to shop good handbags and shoes in when i am back?

jgn marah pakcik, nnt cepat tua hihi

anyway, if i want to go home, and i need to settle myself at a new place where i havent lived for 7-8 years, of course i need to find something that i like, or do something that i like to do at the new place, right? and shopping handbags and shoes are my top favourites, thus i need to find those places, like asap when i go back home.

sigh

home is months away, and that is a hopeful thinking.. hope is all i have these days..

i'm pretty much calmer now, thanks to the therapy sessions that i had, now i know what and who and why i was being so angry, and being able to realise that, it gave me such relief. now i take every single day as it is, and hoping that i wont come across some morons who irritate me and make my head boil some more.

i would like to write some more, but right now there is a match that i'm keen to watch. wimbledon! rafael nadal is such a hot, HOT stuff, and he's playing against berdyck at quarter final now. pretty good match so far. and later today there will be federer and roddick playing as well, altho not against each other. i just hope that it doesnt rain so much these days, or else i have nothing to watch on the tele.

catch you later alligator

bosan bosan

this is what will happen if you go and sleep during the day...fully awake at 1 in the morning

what the heck, bored like hell, maybe i'll try to write something here

i'm more angry than sad. i dont think i ever be this angry before. my head tends to boil easily these days

lets just talk about random stuff

cant wait for harry potter's last book. the 5th movie will come a week earlier, in the uk, altho people around the world, seem to have the privilage to see it as early as 2 weeks b4 uk's viewers. azali said malaysia's cinemas will screen it on the 7th of july, and i know japan had its premier last weekend, and here in the uk we will only be able to watch it on the 12th. not fair. thank god the book premier all happens at the same time, altho this means that japan will have the privilage to read it first (i think) becos of the time difference, anyway since i dont know anyone in japan, so it's ok. dengki siut

i've been so bored nowadays, i read all 6 harry potter's books again already. for the 4th time, i think. they are the only books that can make me stay awake until 6 in the morning and wake up 4-5 hours later just to continue reading.

still about harry potter. jk rowling had given her permission for warner bros to build hogwarts + hogsmeade at warner bros theme park (not sure what it's called - it's equivalent to disneyland/disneyworld but it's warner bros') in florida. such an exciting news! it's due to open at the end of 2009 or early 2010, but then shanti, my housemate said to wait for at least a year to make sure everything is safe and ready, so 2011 is a target year. i'm so going! ok, got about 4 years to prepare myself, meaning kumpul duitlah, then i remember by that time i'll be surely have some kids (!).. so? tinggallah ape lagi. confirm. they'll be, like 1-2 years old, the most, like i'm going to bring them? fat chance! this is my time to fully enjoy myself with no string attach huh (am so not maternal type). hmm what about azali? i guess i have to drag him along, but i have to warn him about me going totally havoc when i see hogwarts there. does he want to go with me? dunno, havent asked. not even sure if we're going to get married.

trying to cheer myself up here...

my laptop is getting better, hopefully. as you all might know, i'm using nad's old laptop for the last, hmm, 2-3 months, i think, and i really hope to get my old laptop back soon. somebody here has been kindly enough to see/check/repair/reformat etc the laptop for me, and i'm hoping to be able to have it back soon.

that's all folks, nothing else to write. what i'm feeling now is beyond everything that i've ever experienced before, so i dont know how to handle it. all i know is that i'm angry, so damn bloody fucking angry, but there is no one, not-a-thing in particular, in physical form that i'm angry about. if you are angry with someone, you can shout at them, kick them, punch them, or kill them, for example. if you're angry with something, a thing, you can break them, or throw them away. if you're angry at yourself, you can starve yourself, hurt yourself, or kill yourself. but when you're angry at situation, angry at what's been happening to you, angry at life, what would you do? 'everything happens with a reason' badibla dibla hearing that, like a thousand times, even if it comes from some closed ones whom i care about, annoys me the ultimate most.

i'd passed trying to understand, i'd passed trying to accept, i'd passed trying to find some answers, and i'm still angry like hell. and how did i do? how do i cope? i dont. i shout and snap, lock myself almost everyday in my room to prevent me from shouting again, but the fucking telephone makes me barking shouting at those in malaysia too, so now i cant talk to them. yup i push people away from me. and how did i do now? you tell me in a few months time. or years. i dont fucking know

great. my head is boiling now. how am i supposed to sleep with this? you tell me. nobody fucking know. life is bullshit. FACT

i wonder what would happen if...

... i choose to remain at sek men (c) tanah putih instead of going to mrsm taiping? it would definitely be different. for sure i wont be getting 8A1 and 1A2 for spm, it's sekolah kampung, with the possibility of anyone getting an A in add maths or any science subject is almost zero. hence no mara scholarship. hence no oversea uni. hence no medic. guess the best place for me now if i choose to stay in that school is being a secondary school teacher, with a science degree from a local uni. and that IS the best thing that could happen to me.. maybe i couldnt even got a place in any local uni...

... i choose to remain at ukm instead of accepting mara scholarship in kmys? it would definitely be different. i for sure, wont be doing medicine, for 2 reasons. one, i dont think i can even get a place to study medicine in ukm for there are lots and lots more people who are much much more brainy that me, two, i dont think i'll put medicine as my first choice of degree because i certainly like other subjects, like maths and physics, much more compared to biology. so where would i be now if i choose to stay in ukm? doing my phD in maths, of course hehe. and that IS the best thing that could happen to me.. maybe i would just become an engineer, working for a firm somewhere in kl, already married and have a son aged 3 and now preparing myself for my second child...

... i choose to go to queen mary's london medical school instead of newcastle? it would definitely be different. i for sure, would be different, socially, and physically haha. i would be much more exposed to the world, compared to now. knowing myself, i know i would prefer to blend in with my surrounding, i'll have different sets of friends, hence different influence in the development of me as a person. i wouldnt say i would be rosak, but more or less so, because if you know what kind of london people are, i think you would understand. pendek cite, it's easier to get hanyut if you're not a strong person, i for sure is not one and i tend to get influenced easily especially it's from some friends. so where would i be now if i choose to stay in london instead of newcastle? i would be a self-centred, ambitious bitch who hungers for attention who is in fact is lost. there you go. i envy those who survived london, cos i dont think i'll survive there..

there you go. have you ever wonder how many 'what if' is there in our lives? like what if my mum choose a different guy to marry, someone who lived just across my grandma's house who is much better looking than my dad but unfortunately has a loud-mouthed mother? would i ever exist? for sure my mum's children would be a much better looking than now :p. or what if my dad stayed at SDAR instead of going to RMC and hence not joining the airforce? then our family wouldnt be moving around every year from one place to another, from one school to another. we would have stayed at one place, i would have been to one primary and one secondary school instead of 7 different schools, i would have some really good friends and one really really best friend, who i would love and risk my life for.

everything would be totally different if we choose a different path. i for once, would never ever dream in a million years to study abroad. never ever. and to study medicine? never ever ever. all that i ever dreamt of as a child is to get married to a fair and humble man who loves me, have not more than 4 children before i reach 32 and be a good mother, just like my mum. i would do the best i can to make a perfect home for my family.

why am i doing this? just to say that most of the time life doesnt make any sense at all. when all you want is simplicity, all you get is complexity, then when the complexity suddenly making sense and becomes simpler, it gets complicated again. it doesnt make any sense. it would never be.

stress.. stress.. panic.. stress.. stress.. PANIC

i feel numb

i feel dumb

i feel dull

i feel nothing

panic = serabut = empty head

kenapa dungu sgt kepala ni???

hope the pills can switch off this head. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

happy monday everyone..

i'm blogging from my room. how? using nad's old laptop. million thanks nad, i really appreciate it. i owe you big time.

i've turned my room into a 'kubu'. what kubu? well kubu might not be the right choice of word to describe what i've done to my room, let just say that my room is a right mess at the moment with notes and books everywhere, and you have to watch where you land your foot cos you dont want to step on something. basically my desk is not big enough to contain all my notes, books and everything that i need to read and revise for the exams. so what i did was i rearranged my bedroom furnitures so that i have this hugh space right in the centre, then i used one of my old duvey cover (well, ideally, a sleeping bag or some sort of a big spread, so that's why i need my sleeping bag from you, nad) to cover the floor so that i can do what i want on the floor with the notes + books all within my reach. so far so good. spreading all the notes and books on the floor, then organising and prioritising things that i need to do first, well it works for me ha ha. i always knew i'm not a very organised person, but as long it helps with my revision, i'll go for it.

there are a few things that keep on floating in my head, things here and there, mostly unimportant things that keep on bugging my head, so typically i have to let it out and share it with the world. and that's why i need to have this blog, i NEED it as part of my emotional therapy, for me to release my thought and concern, or else i can be a bit 'screwed' in the head for trying to cope with all the overworking mind. a few weeks of no computer, meaning no blogging whenever i feel like i want to write something, that was no good to me. luckily azali was there, my family too, but it never beats writing a good, long blog where i can write whatever i want. anyway, these are just a few things that i want to let out from my head for some time:

1) i dont prefer old guys. why? cos i think they'll boring. they will be serious and mature all the time, there will be no fun, especially for me who can be a bit childish and jumpy every now and then. nothing turns me off more than if someone asks me to calm down and act my age when at that time i feel like being silly and be a complete fool. childish is my secret middle name you see.

2) i like the union of raja nazrin and the super brainy, super beautiful zara. i keep on thinking about them for a few days now, how perfect it is for them to be together. i also cant help but to think how wasteful it is for them not to meet earlier, like 10 years earlier ke, then it would be much better right? imagine you finally meet someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with, but you can only spend the next 20, maybe 30 years of your life with them, cos apparently that is just as far as the typical human year stretch. well, that is what we call jodoh..

3) my one and only sister is getting married this friday. yup, this friday. sorry i cant be there, kak lysa, i have my own obstacle that i have to face really soon. this thing i HATE the ultimate most. for not being there. when i left her last august, she was single and free, and now when i'll be back, she will already have a guy standing next to her who will say, 'hi, i'm you new brother'. what the heck. dont get me wrong, i'm ecstatically happy that she finally found her knight of shining armour, someone that she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and that she is happy. but i'm sad for not being there for her, like she is always be for me. same like my younger brother. when i left him 7 years ago, he was just this one geeky boy who had just finished spm and then gone to atma. and now he is this one matured young man, who will be a father in 2 months time. what the heck. and my sis-in-law whom my mum said is brilliant and easy to hang out with.. and i have only met her, like twice, before the wedding. and dont let me start with my youngest bro. iwan was just a mere 12 years old boy when i left him, and now he is one big, tall boy who bears the same boyish face, but all grown up. and my parents who are not getting all younger. right.. shall i stop here b4 some damn tears starting to emerge from nowhere

no, i'm not finished yet with my thoughts..

4) really fucking damn hate guys who take advantage on women. like men who ask their wives to cook for them every single day when the wives also working. both are working, and both pay 50-50 for the rent, bills and mortgages, but when at home, the men will lepak baca paper while the wives go straight to the kitchen to cook, clean the house, wash and iron their clothes, and the list goes on. what the fuck? mmg tak adil. this is typical laki melayu. mmg hangin betul when i talk about this issue, this is a big, BIG sensitive issue to me, so remember any one of you who bring this topic in front of me, or worse, bring this kind of men, or should i call them bastards, to me, then you will know what i will say in front of them. it's not the things that i'm gonna say to them that they should be afraid of, it's the thing that i'll do to them that they should watch out. fine, i might be a mere little lady who is a bit opinionated when she talks on her view, but i will do all i can, with these two small hands and legs and knees and head and whatever there is in front of me, to kick and punch and sepak and tendang and tampar them bastards. and i'm fucking serious.

and you know what else that annoys me? it's the ladies as well. it's partly your fault as well, for permitting your guys to do what they do to you. apsal la lemah sgt. what annoys me most is when this story came out that the husband hit the wife for, like, many years, and yet the wife still stay with the guy. fine, he's your husband and you love him, but if he hits you, that is super wrong. and guess what, you've got 2 legs, havent you, then leave him la si bedul. seriously, i do love azali with all my heart and i really do, but if he does things that is hurting me, physically or emotionally, i will have to leave him. full stop. no compromise. i'm talking about you here. life is about choices. pomp melayu takut sgt kene tinggal, nnt kene tohmahan masyarakat etc, if it is up to me, i'll pack my bag, get my kids and stand on my own feet. i have my job, i have my family, i have my kids, then go and face the world. leave the bastard and be strong. see what have i done here? i got carried away. i am very opinionated when i'm talking about malay families. how arrogant malay guys can be, how lemah malay women can be, and i'm really angry with that.

ok, where am i? yup, me and some issues that keep on bugging in my head. this is what exactly will happen when i stop blogging for a while and keep these burning issues in my head. azali already got used to that. he said he developed this technique of selective hearing, when i start bebel about my view and thought, he will slowly switch off his ears and only pick up a few 'keywords' so that when i ask him later, he will confidently say those few keywords altho the truth is that he got no idea what i was talking about. bertuah betul. well, at least he's there for me to pour down all my thought haha. hmm camne la dia leh tahan with me membebel.. hmm might be one of the wonders the world huh haha

oklah, happy revision to me, the best of happiness to my sister, and good luck to the world.

alo alo

seriously patah kaki takde internet/laptop kat bilik. rosak meh huhuhu. am now blogging at the library that is full with students. robinson library meh, med school library lagilah amatlah penuhnye.. at least here at the uni lib i still manage to get a sit next to the window.. so oklah.

just spent some money on a revision website. i think it's worth it. anything for final huh. ape lah sgt 26 quids tu, if i can spend 200 quids on a handbag, of course i can (and should!) spend some portion of my money for my course. gosh i do need a laptop in my room... i'll ask nad if i can borrow his old one..hmm

anyway, life's the same, except for the ultimate event in my life that is going to take place in 2 weeks time. this time next month i will know whether i'll be extremely happy, or extremely heart-brokenly sad. we'll see. of course i'm scared, but whatever happens, i will do my best and give it my all. my number one enemy is my confidence. my confidence hits rock bottom several times, and so far i manage to pick up some of the broken pieces and get myself together again. and i will never know when i'm going to lose it again. maybe tomoro, maybe today. i need to believe that i can pass this exam. yet that seems impossible. well there's no use to keep on thinking about it, no one can improve my confidence except myself, so all i can do know is to keep on revising and avoid people or things that can lower my confidence even more. and yeah, i need to avoid people who irritates and annoys me, as this exam thingy, plus stress, makes my patience's threshold a bit lower that usual. so, that's you, yup you, can you please not come and show your face to me, at least until the exams finish? i dont want to shout at you, or curse you, so the best thing is to avoid me, ok? i'm trying to be nice here, and that is a rare thing, so do appreciate my request ok.

gotta continue studying. good luck to me. adios

this week has been really bad. felt a bit suicidal.

i hate people generally at this time of my life. hate everything about them. hate their face, the way they talk, the way they walk, the way they smell. and you know what, i even hate myself more. hate myself for being part of the population, hate myself for being me. basically, everything sucks at the moment.

super hatred me

yeah you read it right. whether it was a virus, or the fact that the laptop is 70 years old human life (hehe me guessing.. it's actually 7 years old ie i bought it in 2000) i dont know. it just wont work anymore. agaknye dah tiba masenye. why oh why you cant wait another 1 month or so?

anyway, i'm blogging from shanti's laptop. she has kindly let me use her old laptop. sigh... mmg mati kutu betul takde internet. hopefully yus and his friends can have a look at it in a few days time. hopefully boleh betulkan, if not then hopefully can save the hard disk cos all of my lifetime works are there plus hundreds, if not thousands, of pictures are stored inside that laptop. so hopefully boleh diselamatkan.

at least there is one good news that cheered me up yesterday. the pics from my camera's memory card are now safely stored in a cd, done by the good stuff at jacobs' camera shop. although not all pics were saved, but at least some pics of me and mama were one of those that were saved. i'll put the pics sometime later ok, for kak lysa, jiman and iwan to view it in malaysia.

nadine and oja are here, so riuh sket rumah, tu la best tu. we had a chat last night until half 3 in the morning hihi. we might be going out this afternoon, after ellina and nadine come back from the umno meeting. yup, umno. to be precised, umno newcastle agm meeting. me? i came to the annual agm meeting 2 years ago and menyesal sampai skrg. dulu mule2 nak ajak masuk umno kate it's a social and gathering club, nnt boleh buat a programme or two for us to get to know malaysians who live in newcastle better. how wrong i was. it was full with politics and everyone gila kuasa. well that's how i view it. i might not know politics, but i do know what i dont like. so this time around, i rather face a blank wall for 2 hours than to come to that meeting. nicely said, elly, think i might get into trouble for saying this, but i dont fucking damn care, mara doesnt send me here to join politics, so why would i be worried?

anyway, since nad is here, he said he would question me a thing or two and i like that. finals are less than 4 weeks away and i need all the help i can get. nadine is good teacher, a bit garang sometimes hehe but i dont mind that. i'd rather get scolded from him than the examiners huh.

oklah, i'm guessing the umno meeting will be ending soon so i need to get prepared in case they want to go to town straight after that. hehe belom mandi hehe. have a nice weekend!

this time last week i was at heathrow, sending off my mum back home. i know i was going to be sad, but not that very sad, cos i know my mum is going home, to her family, and i know that her brothers, my uncles, were going to take good care of her. my cousins were there as well, so it wasnt like in 2002 where i had to send home my mum and sis at the heathrow and then be completely alone after that. i was wrong.

less then 5 minutes after my mum and uncles went into the departure gate, i was alone. same old loner again. i dont know, it was something that i had decided there and then. my cousins insisted me to stay at their place, at least for a few hours before my bus trip that night, but there and then my mind told me it is time to be alone again.

that night i was alone in the tube going from heathrow to victoria. then another 3 hours or so for my bus that scheduled at half 11. i felt lonely, and empty. 'life is definitely going back to the usual', i thought. i had to swallow the truth there and then. the usual life as a loner in a faraway land, where there's no one to care for you except yourself.

i have never been close to anyone except my family. i have friends, but no one actually come close enough to know the real me. maybe azali. and he's still learning to know the real me after 5 years we are together. maybe ellina. but she is she, and i am me, and there is still a tiny invisible barrier that exists between us. and i always know that i'm not a social type. i'm not active in societies, and i'm not comfortable in gatherings. i am me. who doesnt like crowds, and children, who despise over-friendliness, so i know i am and will always be a loner, except for one or two people who i invite in to be with me. the barrier that i build is there to stay, and i'm not complaining for being a loner, because that is me. but every now and then i have to bear the feeling of swallowing the fact that there is no one to talk to and laugh with or cry with. i am alone.

another day.. another revision..

i'm stucked at home at the moment for having shingles. sigh. such a time for it to appear! i cant go to the hospital and wards because it's infectious and i can only go to the library when no one is there ie night time. so i'm stuck at home doing my revision. today's revision: obs& gynae. hopefully it will go as planned.

4 more weeks to final! oh i'm seeing stars...

mama came and now she's gone. thank you for coming mama. thank you thank you. thank you for the time, for the support, for the adventure, for the money (hehe), for the swatch (my fifth! :D) and thank you for being there. LOVE YOU LOADS! bad news is that i cant upload the pics. the memory card from my camera demands to be formatted and thus all the pics will be gone! help! does anyone know how to save those pics before the formating? i've asked 2 people who knows lots more computer stuff than i do but they also dont know. guess i have to go to the camera shops and ask them.

i have to go. revision revision. i need to get use of these short entries. have a nice day!

happy easter. not that i know the meaning behind easter weekend, all i know is that it's a public holiday weekend and that not a single shop is open ha ha. and yeah, it's the most unsuitable time to diet as they have chocolate easter eggs, like, everywhere :p

i'm having the last portion of belgian chocolate cheesecake for my breakfast. heaven! for the last few days i had to force myself to eat and finish all the junkfood that i bought from the tesco trip last week. half of the things i bought was junkfood, like cakes, ice-cream and crisps, and now i have to finish them all before they expire. am sooo not gonna to lose any weight... wirda wait for me to come back and join you at the gym!

holiday sucks. seriously. never would i dream of saying this.. but holiday sucks. it drives my mind crazy. i work best when i'm busy and have a certain routine. wake up at certain time, do this task and that task, go to the library for a couple of hours on the way back, then reach home, shower, pray, dinner, then bed. but when i am in a, what you called, semester break, i lost all the routine. and worse is that what holiday does to my head. i start to spend too much time thinking. yup, thinking. i'm a person who has too much of imagination. i can think that, or this, or 1001 of other possible consequences of an action, for example. when i'm busy and tired, i dont have time to listen to this thinking. but now when i'm free, i'll start to think about this and that, stupid simple task like deciding what to eat for dinner or what to wear is a big task. then i start to think about other people opinion of me. this is the suck-est part. i start to think of this and that, is that person hate me, or do they despise me, or should i do this to them, or should i not, and these thinking drives me crazy!

.......... >__<

otherwise i'm fine, just a bit of a cold, no worry, paracetamol + ibuprofen and a warm bath should most likely to cover that. my tips would be to use listerine before and after you sleep, as this helps clearing the accumulated phlegm in your throat. and yeah, put some extra blanket when you sleep, and wallah! you'll be fine. altho i still got some yellow phlegm but no wheeze (:p auscultated myself..) so i'm fine (so not a good practise ha ha).

anyway, i'm struggling with my revision. again, holiday sucks!! i'm hoping to finish surgery revision this weekend before mama's arrival on thursday, but i doubt it. got no motivation whatsoever. got a few small topics to cover in surgery before i can start the rotation revision: paeds, obs & gynae and psychiatry. nadine's advice is to finish all the big topics 1 month before the final, i've got 8 weeks b4 finals, meaning 4 weeks to finish all the revision.. arghhhhhhh

guess i have to do some revision now. this week's revision: hernia and vascular surgery, ie the last 2 topics in surgery. i also need to tidy up the breast notes and some other bits. some say medicine is a waste, unlike some other courses that can bring more satisfaction and income. some say that medicine is a no-brainer, all you need to do is open your book and read and try to memorise them. fine. try that for 1001++ topics (i do mean that literally), plus the forever changing guidelines, and see if you can do it. and medicine is not all about knowledge, it involves skills as well. another 1001++ skills for you to master. what i'm trying to say is that please dont try to patronise other courses. i'm not saying that medicine is the best and greatest course in the world because it is NOT, and i myself is not their biggest fan, but i would not let other people says bad things about it and try to bring it down. i admit i let people do this in the past in front of my face, but now it's time for me to stand by it. medicine is my world, and it's going to stay that way for a long time and no one would say any condescending talk about it in front me, got it?

i can feel a flu is coming... noooOOOooooOOoooOOOooo

awat la flu nak dtg time2 nih

nevermind.. altho i despise seeing the doctor, but i like to self-diagnose and self-medicate :p so i'll have all the tablets i have tonight muahaha then pengsan tido and so hopefully tomoro i'll be much better ha ha surely my liver is healthy and will be able to cope with it ha ha it's not that i do this everyday ha ha see i try to justify my action again without even realising it.. this felt stupid....

guess what, mr eczema decided to come and flare up as well.. arghhhhhhh

weeeee easter holiday has started =D

but i still need to go to hosp for another week :`(

ah nevermind. now is not the time to complain! another 9 weeks (!), that is 61 days (!!!) to go before finals so there's no time to waste (gagagagaga...)

change topic, like, NOW

happy weekend everyone. how time flies. before i know it, it's the end of march already. huh? what happen in march? what did i do for the last few weeks? curious curious.. hmm

mama is coming in 12 days time! weeeeeee tak sabar tak sabar. she will be in the uk for about a week, and only 6 days in newcastle, and i plan to make full use of it. dah organised almost everything, so hopefully everything will be as planned. the most important thing is to spend as much time with her, and make her trip enjoyable. eeee tak sabar lagi seminggu setengah!

just received my graduation pack last week, and i have to give my answer before may. so, to attend or not to attend? hmm... i cant see the point of attending the graduation without the presence of my family. but i have never graduated before (well taiping and kmys graduation dont count, ok) so of course i want to wear the robe, the hat and go to the stage to pick up my scrol. hmm.. let just apply the theory of Utilitarianism, shall we? (ha ha boring boring, skip if you want ha ha). 'the greatest happiness' theory that determines the rightness or wrongness of an action. it also consider the intensity, duration and certainty of the value of the happiness and unhappiness experienced by those who are affected by it. so here goes..

to attend:
i'll be happy, my family will be a bit happy cos they will get a picture of me wearing the robe and holding the scrol. azali also wants me to attend, ellina too, some of my collegues too, so they will be happy. but their intensity wouldnt be that high, i think, not compared to mine, becos it's my graduation kan. also to consider: my unhappiness. becos of the absence of my beloved family. the graduation will be on wednesday, so nad, ct or shanti, or my other good friends will not be able to attend too. my scholarship runs until at the end of june, and the graduation is on mid july, so i would be a bit unhappy regarding money. my unhappiness from the absence of my family and friends and money would be MORE than my happiness from attending my first, and maybe last, graduation. imagine my unhappiness is -10, then my happiness is +6, so if you add up, it's -4, ie unhappy as the result, see? then i add up with everyone's else happiness (+2), so the final result is -2. so.. if i choose to attend, the total consequences would be unhappiness. but will it be lesser in intensity if i choose NOT to attend the graduation?

not to attend:
ok, i'll be happy too, since i'll be able to fly home ASAP and meet up with azali and my family and eat, eat and eat in malaysia. the intensity if compared to happy attending the ceremony? hmm.. i would say the same (imagine happiness of attending +6 and happiness of not attending +6). i desperately want to go home, but i'll be going back home for good anyway, so 2,3 weeks late wouldnt cause any harm. money will be good, so i'll be happy. i'll be able to leave newcastle and uk for good, so i'll be happy too. no word can describe how muaknye duduk kat uk ni for the last 7 years. i'm so desperately wanting to leave and go back to my home and start the next stage in life ie marriage, family, children etc. anyway, back to my dilemma..

so.. for now i've decided that NOT attending would make me MORE happy then attending the graduation. it's easier to view this in numbers, i think. like, imagine the happiness of me not attending is +6, then the unhappiness of me not attending is -4, so it adds up to +2, meaning i'm happier not attending, see? now i need to consider unhappiness, mine and others. of course i would be sad, but as i said before, my unhappiness of NOT attending would be LESS (-4), compared to the intensity of happiness for attending (+6). i think my family would be sad too, a bit, but to be honest, i dont think they care, as long as i pass my exam and come home safely. azali would be sad, this one i'm a bit confused, he really REALLY wants me to attend, but he also really wants me to come home asap. -0.5 maybe? anyone else that will feel unhappy for me not to attend the graduation? hmm my friends would be a little tiny bit unhappy, but to be honest they wouldnt miss me if i'm not there. so another -0.5 maybe? so.. conclusion? +2 -0.5 -0.5 = +1 ie NOT to attend the ceremony would bring MORE happiness than unhappiness.

so the final conclusion: unhappiness if i attend (-2) + happiness NOT to attend (+1) = (-1) ie attending the graduation will bring me unhappiness. ta da! easy. but this decision may change with time and circumstances. like, if suddenly my mum says that she wants me to attend the graduation, then i would definitely be going (imagine her happiness intensity is +2, then the final result would be different, kan?) or if one day i see the graduation robe, like somewhere, anywhere, and suddenly i feel like i would very much like to attend the ceremony, and if that happiness's intensity would be MORE than unhappiness of me attending, then i will attend. ha ha pening?

ok ok, i need to continue revising. this weekend revision topic: urology and breast. ha ha 'interesting' topic huh? surgery is not as bad as i thought. long live surgeons!

not sure what to write and it's been a week since my last entry so i thought i could think of something and jot a line or two. i'm sure i dont have a problem with that heheh

so... what happen since last week? hmm.. typical routine... wake up at half 6 everyday, reach hosp at 8, yada yada hosp work yada yada then come back at 5ish. boring stuff... not even worth mentioning. i'm so in the holiday mood. nak cuti!! everyone else in the uni have already started their easter hols and they've got 4 weeks for that wherelse mine starts next week and consists only 2 weeks. sigh... but i'm not complaining! ha ha. but seriously i need a break!

weh i got to go. ct just called and asked whether i would like to join her to go to tesco, like in 15 minutes time. yee haa! tu je la excitement kat sini... a trip to tesco. ha ha. guess ellina will be joining as well. housemates trip! ye ye. byee...

weeeeee got half day today :)
and what did i do? browse the internet for the whole afternoon muehehe. nope, i'm not going to try to justify that. hmm feeling a bit guilty now but nope.. i'm not going to reason myself... what's done is done, and i had a good time myself.

so what've i been up to these days? another 1 and a half week before the easter break, and yup, orthopaedic week. you know, it's not that bad actually, and yup, i even surprised myself with that one. i guess being a final year change people's perspectives and yours too. you know more, and people knows that you know more, and you know what to expect and put all your effort into it and wallah!.. things are not that bad actually. anyway, i wont bored you (and me) with all the medic stuff so lets just leave it there.

went to nad's blog and i'm intriged to write the same topic. he listed down 6 oddities that he can attribute to himself. i found that interesting and i have been thinking about it for the last couple of days. i found it hard to make the list so i've made a conclusion that i'm not as weird as i thought i would be haha. but nevertheless i managed to make the list...

1) i'm a sci-fi fan. altho not as much as nadine tho hehe. but i do like sci-fi movies a lot, like star wars, star trek, lost in space (best movie ever :p) and movies like back to the future and matrix. some of my friends found it odd when i asked them about time machine and whether they want to travel to the past or the future if they were given an opportunity to use them twice, ie to go and come back again. so which one would you choose?

2) i think i have an odd face (what? can't believe i put this as my second one...). you see, i have a round face, thanks to my mum. but my eyes are sepet, quite small and sepet. but then my skin is sawo matang, ie malay skin. but then i got this pair of (bloody) thick lips that i hate so much, thanks to my dad. when people first see me, they dont know what race i am. and my accent doesnt help either, my jawa accent often confuses people too. when i'm in malaysia, i wear a scaft and my skin darkens so they would guess me as a malay. but when i open my mouth, they would think i come from sarawak or sabah. and when i'm here, with my rebonding straight hair and a bit fair skin, they thought i'm either a chinese, a japanese, a philipines, a thai and the list goes on. so dont you think i've got an odd face?

3) i have multiple personalities. dont ask me, people told me that they thought i have multiple personalities. well i dont know... i do like changing my, whatever you want to call it, character, whenever i feel like it. like, if i feel like i want to be bubbly, i can do that and be super friendly and super smiley to any new person sitting next to me. and when i feel like i want to be distant, i'll do that. and i can retain the new character as long as i want and i do that sometimes, without any reason whatsoever. and the thing with me, i like to play hard, meaning that whatever character i decided to be that day, i do it properly and maybe that's why people thought i have different personalities. some of my taiping and kmys friends said this to me, and some said i've become a 'changed' person when i left these places. i dont think so, it's just that you dont know the real me and that was just one of my 'personality' when i was there, the one that is predictable, quiet, shy, geeky and invisible. and i retained that character for 2 years. one of the other person who said this was my mum. she once said that she couldnt understand me and doubt if i have any specific personality at all. she said i was too unpredictable. am i like that? is it odd?

lets just proceed to some simple oddities ok. i dont want to sound too odd, you see

4) i like to switch off all electricity when i go to bed. i wont leave the computer on, or the phone charge, or the heater's on etc. well, of course la except my night light. when i'm at home, i'll go around the house and make sure none of the electric devices are on. or else i wont sleep well and worry of short circuit la, then terbakar la , meletup la etc.

5) i like to arrive 4-5 hours early at the airport. it's my anxietyness i guess, but some people find it odd. i always, i mean 100% always have some dreams about missing the flight the night before the journey, hence that early airport arrival. i found this annoying too

6) i dont like people helping me, unless if i ask for some. i'm really annoyed when some people offer to help you with your shopping carriage when i myself think i can handle it myself. i'm annoyed too when people insists on giving you a lift back home, when i think it's safe to go back myself. i found that as a sign of weakness. eee ingat org lemah ke huh. i got my own kudrat, so angkat sendiri la, ade kaki balik sendiri la, ape ko ingat aku lemah ke. paling benci bile kuar ngn laki who is like, oh let me hold your bag, missus..... eeee! pomp lemah betul. tapi itula, kuasa Allah tu besar, mmg nak tunjukkan la tu, i like it (to my own surprise!) when azali holds my bags. but only azali can hold my bags huh, as he supposed to protect me kan :p haiya...(org camni pun ade ke...)

terpanjang la plak... you see i like to write, i know it's nonsense stuff most of the time, but i do like to write. no, let me rephrase that, i like to merepek...yup! ok masa tuk mandi!

weekend... bless...

i had an interesting week. went to the newcastle malaysian night on wednesday night and it was a blast! i enjoyed my time there, met up with some new and old friends and taught some mat sallehs to play batu seremban! unfortunately i left my camera at ellina's studio so i have to wait for photos from her camera instead. she's busy at the moment doing her work and she can be a bit garang when she's doing that so i'm definitely wont be knocking her door to ask for some wee photos ahaks. so you guys have to wait and i'll definitely going to post it later.

school-wise, i was doing critical care so i spent the week at the ICU and HDU with the anaesthetists and i found it very interesting. like what nadine said, anaesthetists are one of the geniusest people out there and i couldnt agree more. but i dont think it's for me. one, i'm not a genius so i dont think my mental ability is up to it, two, i'm in love with medicine and i'm positive that is what i want to do. the sad thing is that i'll be doing orthopaedics next week. i dont like orthopaedic. not just that, i hate orthopaedics. seb baik it's only for a week, so i just have to face those morons for a week and be patient and try to cover my oh-so-transparent hatred face as much as i could ahaks.

anyway, it's 2 week b4 easter break! gosh how time flies! but it's not the holiday i'm looking for, it's something else. someone is coming over... mama! yup, she's coming for a week and i'm so looking forward for it. no word can describe how i feel right now. happy? hu uh. excited? yeah. terkinja2, lompat2 excited? definitely! i'm like that, when i'm happy with something, i cant contain my excitement to myself. from past experience, when i feel like this, i'll go and share it with someone and then be a right pain in the ass cos ter-over excited sgt. so what i do now is lompat2 kat bilik sorang2 and do as much pysical activity as i can in order to burn out the adrenaline. i've been walking to town a lot lately and that helps. azali pun sometimes pening with me when i get way too excited over something hehe

so, mama's coming.. jeee... you can imagine i got a wide smile on my face at this right moment. she'll be stopping over at dubai and tehran for a few days before coming to the uk on the 12th of april. i'll then 'culik' her from my uncles and bring her to newcastle where she'll be staying for a week. i've already bought the train tickets and everything else, i promise to greet her at the airport, and i hope that everything will be in order when she arrives. organisation tuuu hehe. i plan to organise a mini trip while she's here, initially i plan to board an overnight cruise to amsterdam from north shield port near newcastle here. but then with the small amount of time she's here, plus she said she went to amsterdam some long time ago when i was still a baby, plus me takut mabuk laut, so i decided to cancel that plan. think i'll bring her to edinburgh. my mum is like me, we think more or less alike, so it's easier for me to organise my trip plan. we dont prefer to travel unless it's necessary, cos it will exhaust us a lot from the anxiety-ness, and we dont travel for its castles or any historical remarks. so what do we like? i know a thing that would definitely make her eyes wide open... shopping malls with lots of handbags! hahah. so that's exactly why i will bring her to edinburgh where i'm sure she'll enjoy the huge handbag collections at harvey nichols. perfect!

all of these planning and excitement are making me exhausted. i cant concentrate on my studies for i will be thinking about mama, like, every 5 seconds. ji ji ji cant wait for her to come. she's definitely wont be coming for my graduation this july for it's too near to meda's, my sis-in-law due date, so i'm glad she's coming this time, especially before my big exams this june. oh mama, jaga diri baik2 ye sekrg, jgn jatuh sakit or anything ye, for i really want to see your face at the heathrow airport on the 12th! he he he. good night :)

everyday since the last entry i planned to write the next one, but asyik tak sempat2 jek. well, that's not the only excuse. i'm still angry and annoyed, with the previous topic, as well as everything else, so i cant write, or else i write something nasty, like the previous entries. i suspect it's that time of the month again huh.

anyway today i finally managed to persuade myself to write a line or two. i'll start with the weekend. you know i was moody and angry at the end of last week, so i didnt go to hospital on thursday. how can i concentrate if my head is boiling? then i felt guilty. final is just around the corner and i let my emotion took over my head. so i went to the hospital on saturday. wah i never knew hospital here is so damn quiet and empty on saturday. i wonder how is it on sunday? anyway, it was a very good decision, i had the wards ALL by myself, managed to do lots of work and thus i felt satisfied and good.

i wished i had stayed longer but then in the afternoon i had to go to the malaysian night rehearsal meeting. yup, i'm one of the volunteers and guess what will i do on that night? ha ha main batu seremban!! traditional games gitu ahaks! me gonna wear baju kebaya (tapi takde kain batik plak hi hi) and be perempuan melayu gitu. euww... well that's the idea. i'm supposed to teach how to play batu seremban that night haha. why oh why did i volunteer to help? firstly, to get a cheaper ticket! muahahaha volunteer ticket is nearly half price maa hehe. jahat gile.. shhh. and the other reason was that this year would (hopefully) be my final year here in newcastle, so might as well join in while i can. and the last reason was to meet other people. i'm in hospital most days now and didnt see anyone else except my housemates, so hopefully i can meet other malaysians (boleh percaya tak this reason? i'm not ahahh). anyway, it's this wednesday night and i hope it will be a good one.

ok back to the topic. after the rehearsal on saturday afternoon, i met up with some friends for a lunch in wagamama. heaven! makan, makan and makan, then we went for coffee in cafe nero. this place has the best chocolate drink in newcastle, it's melted chocolate plus whipped cream and it tastes heaven! we stayed there for a few hours, i think, and i had such a great time with such a great company.

i didnt do much on sunday. finished sewing some batu seremban (all 15 of them!) and watched tv. did a little bit of reading but it didnt work. i was too tired i guess. and i'm tired today as well. i had a long day today and had to force my eyes and brain to work. finished at half six and guess i'm sleeping early today. no use to do revision if your brain is tired and not prepared. i prefer a couple of hours of full concentration with an alert and awake brain then spending 24 hours facing a book with a sleepy and tired brain. well that's how i work. hah! cant believe i did it again. i just realise i tried to reason and justify my action AGAIN. i always do that. cant you see what i'm trying to do just now? i tried to justify my decision to have an earlier night instead of doing my revision. i need to stop this 'justifying' thing. it's becoming more obvious. you know i always preach that i am the only person who can decide what i want to do, and yet i'm continually trying to find a reason behind every action, usually the ones that i felt guilty about.

you know what, i think this is the sleepy brain writing. i've written too much. i'm too sleepy and tired, and i'm going to bed now. selamat malam...

ps: oh yeah... it's F1 this weekend!! wooo hoooo!! me so happy :D. ok back to bed zzzzz

guys will ALWAYS be guys

a guy i know and respect had a mistress behind his wife's back. he said he did it for curiosity and that other of his friends are doing it as well. yeah... your friends makan taik then you also want to makan taik la?

a guy i know and respect is still going out with girls besides having a girlfriend and insists that they are just friends. mind you, he only goes out with beautiful, gorgeous girls and totally tak kisah mampus-ko-jatuh-longkang on plain, not-so-beautiful girls. like you think we're blind and stupid?

a guy i know and respect has just broken up with his girlfriend and posted pictures of him with another girl who definitely looks like a bitch. and yeah, he insists the new girl has 'a good heart' and fails to notice that she was the mastermind behind the breakup. a good example of stupidity and buta, of course

MACAM CELAKA

LETAK OTAK KAT BONTOT

most guys are that. fucking serious

i wouldnt dream to say this to these people who i know not just for short while, but YEARS AND YEARS but they are indeed MACAM CELAKE

this is not just being moody. this is being totally angry and super pissed off

tade mood tade mood

................................................................

langsung tade mood. surgery sucks! fine, it's just the first week but surgery sucks! even before you start it, the surgical tutor said to avoid this and that surgeons cos apparently they dont like teaching and they particularly dislike medical students. d'oh.. talking about keeping student motivated. especially student like me who is not very motivated anyway. the timetable is disorganised, seminars and lectures been cancelled twice this week at 10 minutes after the supposed time, and some are cancelled as well for next week. there are only 2 surgical wards to cover between 9 of us, and that do not include 3rd years and 4th years' option students. i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate surgery!!!

takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood takde mood

which makes me moody as well

WEI ADE ORG PEKAK KE DUK KAT UMAH NI??? HAVE THE TV ON AT SUPER DUPER TOP VOLUMES???

fuck off

when i'm moody, i'm evil

just spent 5 hours today cooking... and me soo liiiikkkee it :D i find it soooo theraupeutic. i made chicken rendang, nasi tomato, a bit of sayur campur and bubur caca. masak.. think i must be a cook in my previous life. i like to cook alone, then pk tu pk ni, mostly reflection bout what's been happening in my life, you know when you want to stand still for a while and have a think about something. what's that word in malay.. ber-.. ala if you think for a while about what's been happening around you tu? anyway hope you got what i mean. i like to do that while i'm cooking, or while i'm on the bus, travelling alone. pk tu pk ni, then try to make some conclusions, or just think about what i did in the past few days.

anyway, back to the cooking topic, i just discovered something last week. i like to cook, genuinely (providing no one force me to cook, you know i got issues with ppl pushing me..), then i thought i would have no problem when i got married, cos then i would be able to cook not just for myself, but also for my husband. azali seemed to like my cooking, i used to cook for him for 2 weeks when i spent easter hols at his place many, many seasons ago. so i thought he would be happy to know that i like to cook and that i will cook for him after we got married. his respond surprised me. he asked me NOT to cook too often after we got married. WHAT? his reason is that he likes my cooking so much that he tends to over-eat himself and so making him put on weight. WHAT? when do guys worry about their weight? he said that since the last easter hols that i used to cook for him everyday he got himself a bulging tummy and he couldnt get rid of it until now. WHAT? seriously? i was surprised and flatted, and found it funny and sad at the same time. surprised for his respond. i thought guys would like it when their partner cook for them. i was flatted because he said he likes my cooking. i found it funny because i didnt know he was worried about his tummy (i found it cute anyway :p). and i was sad because i couldnt cook as often as i like after i marry. anyway, this was one of the best compliment he ever gave me (mind you, azali is not the type who give compliments, so you need to understand why i still remember this one). he said this while he was eating, his mouth was full with food that i had cooked for him:

'awak ni (mulut penuh ni.. ngam ngam), kalau masak tu biarlah sedap aje, jgn la sedap sgt, nnt saya makan byk sgt tak ingat dunia'

:DDDDDDD

gosh, i do love this guy. i really do. it amazes me everytime when i think of the many years we've been together, and yet my love to him never ceases. hope there is jodoh antara kite ye...

alo alo it's half one in the morning and i'm still awake. why? cos i have no class tomorrow! and i plan to wake up late! saje nak tido lambat, so that boleh bangun lambat hehe (org cam ni pun ade ke hehe). today supposed to be the last day of medicine rotation, meaning assessment day, and since i've already had mine yesterday, meaning i dont have anything today and dont have to go to the hosp. heaven! dont get me wrong, i enjoy medicine tremendously lately, but it is nice to wake up late and not thinking about revision once in a while.

this week has been another busy one. especially with the assessment that i was having yesterday. it was a long case assessment, of course i was nervous cos i dont like the uncertainty part, meaning you wont know what kind of patient you're having up to until you ask them about the reason they came to the hosp. well i can say it's the same in all assessments, you wont know what they are going to ask or else there wont be any assessment, will there? anyway, it went well and i was so happy! muehehehe. i was happy becos it's over and now i can have a long weekend. i'm starting surgery on monday and am so not looking forward for that. havent met any nice surgeon yet. all that i met were all arrogant and snobbish. and i'll be seeing them everyday for next 8 weeks. so not looking forward for that.

i received a sad news last weekend. one of my aunt passed away for chest infection. i wasnt closed to her, but again i'm not closed to any of my relatives. but arwah had always been there. she was my dad's eldest sister and she lived with my grandma so she had always been around. i used to live with my grandma when i was young and she was there too. and i know my cousins ie arwah's children quite well cos we grew up together. the death was unexpected so i was quite sad to hear how my cousins took the news. i couldnt help myself but to imagine being in their shoes. i could not, and would not forgive myself if it happens to me. no, no i know i shouldnt think like this, but one cannot help but to think this way when one is away from one's family. astagfirullah. anyway, this event has made me more determine to pass my exams this june. i want to pass my exams and go home and spend good quality time with my loved ones. cos you never know when they are going to leave you.

anyway, shall we talk about something more cheerful now? hmm... i bought a really nice top earlier this week but i dont know whether it suits me. really nice blue colour, but it's long and covers my bum, and you know about me and my bum. one reason why i wear short tops and shirts, cos apparently my upper half body is a different size to my lower ones, so everything that fits the upper half wont fit the bottom half, got what i mean? hmm i think my attempt to write something cheerful is not working...

oklah, think i need to sleep now. tomoro's plan: wake up late haha. then get some shower, then walk to the uni to meet ellina at about 3ish, then we'll go to ikea together. why ikea? cos they have one of the best fish and chips here. of course la after north shields' fish and chips haha. then ronda2 metro centre, and maybe catch a movie later tomoro night? hehe best best jalan2 on the weekday cos less people on the street hihi. good night.

Part 1: On the Outside
Name : Ellyana (ape punye nama ni..)
Date of Birth : 18 August 1980
Current Status : Engaged.. long distance relationship sucks!
Eye Colour : dark brown
Hair Colour : dark brown, i think
Righty or Lefty : right
Zodiac Sign :Leo

Part 2: On the Inside
Your Heritage : hidup jawa!
Your Fear : dying alone
Your Weakness: not a very motivated person
Your Perfect Pizza : lotsa cheese..

Part 3: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up : damn dah kul 7...
Your bedtime : 11pm on the weekdays and later in the weekend
Your most missed memory : seeing him smiling in the airport

Part 4: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke : Pepsi
McDees or Burger King : i dont eat burger
Single or Group Dates : single date
Adidas or Nike : tak kisah
Lipton Tea or Nestea : tak minum teh cik...kembung perut
Chocolate or Vanilla : Chocolate!!
Cappucino or Coffee : tak minum kopi, but i do drink decaf every now and then

Part 5: Do You…
Smoke : tak suke rokok..
Curse : sometimes, when i got really pissed off over something

Part 6: In the Past Month
Drank alcohol : i dont drink
Gone to the mall : hu uh
Been on stage : nope
Eaten sushi : yes! thank you Shanti
Dyed your hair : nope.

Part 7: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game : i wish hehe
Changed who you were to fit in : hu uh

Part 8 : Marrriage
Age you’re hoping to be married : tak ingat la plak bile. but i do hope to get babies before 32, so i guess it would be 31. but then i want 3 babies before 32, so in that case i need to get married by 29, if i plan to get pregnant every year, which i DONT, so i guess 27-28 should be ok

Part 9: In A Guy/Girl
Best Eye colour : blue! langsung takde harapan..
Hair colour : prefer black
Short or long hair : long if it's straight, and short if it's curly

Part 10: What Were You Doing?
1 minute ago : on the phone with ellina, pesan die beli chocolate cake on her way back heheh
1 hour ago : ate my dinner in my room and frust sbb tak dpt tgk naruto kat living room
1 month ago : hmm maybe tgk panic over the finals

Part 11: Finish The Sentence
I love : lazying on my bed with nothing to do and think about
I feel : scared for the test i'll be having tomoro!
I hate : being scared of the test i'll be having tomoro
I hide : my new handbag for feeling guilty for the price i paid for it!
I miss : home
I need : a big fat chocolate cake!

Part 12: Tag 5 People
wirda, nadine, liza, huda, mu'azzah

i've just received a very good news from home. i know i couldnt sleep tonite without letting it out first, that's just me, i cant hold too much excitement. i want to share it with somebody, but this good news hasnt been confirmed yet, so i dont want to spend other people's time by telling them something that is uncertain. i used to share any news with mr fiance, but for some time now, i dont know, i dont feel like sharing small, tidious things with him anymore. cos i dont think he appreciates it. i dont think that he doesnt care, he does care, but when you are with someone for such a long time, small, tidious things seem.. unimportant, and negligable. like yesterday when i had a bad day in the hospital and i called him, he didnt seem to want to listen. and i seemed not to care either that he wouldnt listen. is it me who doesnt care anymore? sigh, i dont want to have this question in my head again, i'm just not in that mood. i'm comfortable with our relationship now, he's there and i'm here, i believe we do care for each other genuinely and i do still want to spend the rest of my life with him. the rest would have to be on hold until i come back home for good, hopefully this june.

anyway, back to my good news (what's wrong with me nowadays? got distracted very easily..). the good news is.......... my mum gonna come and visit me this april, hopefully. HOPEFULLY! that's the best news of this year so far. but i dont want to jinx it. i really really hope she comes. she wanted to come and visit me since last year, but i was away in carlisle and whitehaven til november last year, then kak lysa couldnt accompany her and my dad would not allow my mum to travel alone (he couldnt accompany her himself because he is such a workaholic....). then my uncles (my mum's brothers) plan to come to the uk this april and ape lagi, my mum nak ikut la. my dad has already given his permission, so hopefully my uncles tu jadi la dtg uk... cos i want to see my mum!!!! waaaa please please jadi la die dtg... i want to see mama before my exams in june. please please please... semoga mama jadi dtg... i need her.... mama dtg la...amin...

penat penat. this week has been a full one. woke up at 7am and last night finished at 9 and all i want was food, food, food, then mandi, solat, and bed, bed, bed. today i finished slightly earlier at 6-ish and boy i am really tired. i guess that it will be like this til june. weekend is revision, revision, revision. memang lembik, lembik, lembik. and you know what? i dont mind. just recently i realised that i want to do medicine. finally! never would i thought in a million, zillion years that i would say that. i used to hate medicine so much it made me sick. i hate it so much when people speak bout medicine in front of me, you know, some over-enthusiastic people who were like, 'uu today i managed to do this and that, saw this and that, wahhhh'. go and get a grip la. if you like it so much, go and share it with other people but me la. then i realised it wasnt just medicine, i just dont like people who are over-enthusiastic. those who felt head-over-heal over something. like an obsession. so it can also be a job, a hobby, or even a person. like those who are like cinta nak mati, cinta gile bobeng with someone, and trying to prove that their love is the strongest among all. tolong la. berani kate berenang lautan api badibla badibla, and seriously, if betul la ade lautan api in front of you and your so-called loved one is on the other side, would you swim across it? no. NO. cos then you will die, like within 5 minutes after swimming in that kind of ocean. seriously. PIJAK DUNIA YG NYATA la wei.

anyway, back to my point (i got easily distracted nowadays.. blame in on the lack of sleep heheh), i finally realised that it wasnt medicine that i hate. i hate when someone trying to push me into something. like when someone who had watched a movie and said it was so damn good with this and that and said i should watch it. at this point, it would be like a complete turn-off to me. some says it's ego. maybe they are right. i am just too stubborn and selfish or whatever you want to say it to accept other people recommendation. i dont think i'm that bad, i can still accept people advise, just dont overdo it and make me feel as if i'm being pushed. and you know what? i think i do agree that i can be quite stubborn and selfish sometime, especially when people start to interfere with my life. like 'oh you should do this, you should do that' type of interference. like when people start saying to me how wonderful medicine is with this and that, and reckon that i should feel the same. like hell i wont. i think the keyword here is 'should'. no one can question things that i should and shouldnt do. ha ha ha back to my ego again. is it? i dont think it's 100% ego, but i might me wrong, but again, i dont think i have the biggest ego in the world. and my point is? i'm so sleepy i cant stop rumbling nonsense...hmm.. oh yeah my point is that i like medicine and i think i want to do this for the rest of my life. and it felt good when you know what you want to do. the end. good night.

happy weekend everyone ;) especially to those in malaysia who are having a long weekend indeed until tuesday for chinese new year. mane aci.. anyway, gong xi fa cai. wish i'm at malaysia right now to enjoy the long weekend with the company of many limau mandarin! yes i do have a bright red cheong sam and no i cannot wear it. it does not fit! waaa sudah put on weight.. do you realise how chubby i am these days? why aa? i notice lots of my friends, when they become older, the chubbier they become. why? some did not put on weight, but their face still become rounder. including me. why? why? so my advice to all young people out there, go and get a nice man and get married early before you get a much rounder and chubbier face. seriously!


muehehehe.. a pink stethoscope! muarharharhar

not only i got it cheaper online, they also provide free name engravement, plus free tendon hammer and torch! cool! and, and, i ordered it on friday and received it on saturday morning, complete with my name on the head of the stethoscope! super cool! muehehhe cant stop smiling. i couldnt choose the colour at first, they have many other colours! besides the typical black, navy blue, grey (like my old one), burgundy and dark green, they also have orange (yup, orange!), lilac (nice, but not my colour), rasberry, baby green, baby blue, ocean blue and purple! initially i wanted the orange one, becos my tournique is orange too, but then the baby pink one looks really lovely, and like what shanti said, it suits better with our clothes than the bright orange one (hmm never thought that one before..), plus the baby pink one looks really lovely (have i said that..jiii..hihi)

other random things that i want to write:
- mama bought me a blue sari from her trip to india! of course i plan to make a kurung from it, and i plan to have it as baju raya! yey dah ade baju raya! thank you mama!
- azali and i plan to get married after raya so that i can spend as many time with my family this raya without worrying about him and his family. thanks sayang! the only thing for me to do is to pass the june exam so that i can leave this country for good and spend syawal in malaysia.. shiver shiver..
- thanks shanti for the wonderful sushi last night. it was tasty, and i'm inspired to make some myself! not sure when tho..
- thanks ct for the useful website on pharmacology. like you said, it is easy to understand

got myself a cold right now. go away nasty cold! i cant concentrate on my revision since yesterday. dah abis separuh kotak tissue, lucky i got two of them. took 3 paracetamol-contained lemsip yesterday, guess i have to take some today as well. oklah nak pie mandi...

it's been a while since i last blogged here, there are so many things that happened, it's just that i dont feel like writing it here. and since my dear old sis has personally requested an update (no secret anymore huh that you DO read my blog rather religiously heh!), so here i am, trying to write a little bit of here and there about what has been happening in my life for the last few weeks.

today's thursday, and i'm at home. didnt have any class today, my colleagues are busy with their hospital job interviews, and since i didnt apply, i skipped all the hassle. i plan to spend the day studying, but that idea went straight to the bin since i didnt have any mood to open my book today. not so good eh, elly, since finals are just 105 (!!) days away. yup, i'm that sad person who keeps on counting the days to the finals.

ok, forget the finals (as if!) for a while and go back to my initial plan on what to write in this blog. ok, from the last entry, i spent early christmas hols in barcelona with my housemates. to see more pics, go to http://ellyazali.fotopages.com. then i went to glasgow for 3 days and stayed with oja, whose wedding is next week! good luck oja! my friends are getting married (and some have babies!) almost every weekend. anyway, glasgow was superb, as usual, and i managed to behave myself and did not buy anything unnecessary. haha which brings me to my next topic... the reason why i didnt buy anything in glasgow because i bought something unnecessary a week before i went to glasgow. it costs me a fortune (gagaga) and it made me feel guilty for spending that amount of money on a.... handbag. haha (*_*). but it's not a typical handbag you see (typical me.. trying to justify myself.. again), it's a superbag, seriously it IS a super bag (no..it cant fly, kak lysa). i've been wanting a super handbag all my life (seriously? seriously...) and finally i got one. i was over the moon, and was very very VERY happy indeed, but that didnt prevent me from feeling guilty, for spending that amount of money. how much? should i write it here? nah. if there is a request, i'll write it here later.

ok, ok back to plan. after glasgow, i had another week of hols before starting my final sem. and what a week it was. i had the foulest, WORST mood ever EVER. i blamed it on my pms, but never did i feel so angry and moody all my life. i felt like i want to shout to everyone, even to my own shadow (seriously). i felt like want to kill something, anything. i was in my baddest ever mood. i wasnt sure what reallly happen but it got to the nerves of people living near me too. i had the biggest ever EVER fight with azali and i really thought i would leave him (Allah bless his soul for having patience with a fiancee like me).

and it lasted longer that i expected. then something else happened. i started my final sem the second week of january and gosh suddenly everything went to a blur. i started to panic when they handed out our timetables and told us that finals were 150 days away. it wasnt just me, every final year students who were there went panicky as well. i went pale and silent the whole week, well that is how i cope with it. else where there were students who couldnt stop talking, some even hyperventilating, some were sweating. everyone was panic, and scared. including me.

and life after that was as busy as ever. go to hosp in the morning and come back late afternoon and revision at night until i go to bed at 11. i wouldnt write the details here, but right now i'm feeling better. but i do have those odd days when i feel scared and panic, and god knows how often will it be in the future. i'm really scared of the finals, i really really am, but who doesnt? i guess there are thousands of final year students out there who share the same feeling. i want to pass. i want to go home. i miss syawal for the last 7 years and i want to spend this year in malaysia. i miss everyone's birthday, i even gonna miss my one and only sister's wedding this may. but at least i know that everyone back home is eager to have me back. they are looking forward for my return and have various plans for me in malaysia. my wedding. my syawal. my house. my work. my driving lesson. everyone welcomes me back home. and i'm grateful for that.

so that's it. i'm off to hit some books now. i've got to pass. i want to pass. i want to go home to my loved ones. amin.

it's been 2 weeks since my last entry, dont blame me ok, blame the laptop haha. die wat hal, sian die, sudah 6 tahun dah, that's considered old for a laptop. dont you die on me maximus! (hehe that is its name). another 6 months to go, so dont you die on me! today it has decided to behave itself and now i can browse the internet, check my emails and of course, update this blog.

it's the 3rd week of the christmas hols, ie the last week. the first week was spent on barcelona, then a few days of recovering sleep and exhaustion, before going to glasgow on the 2nd week. barcelona? speechless. to be honest, i felt a bit awkward, i havent made any trip or visit for personal pleasure for a long time. trips with family do not count, as it took place in malaysia where everything, i mean EVERYTHING is super nice and enjoyable. the last time i left newcastle tuk jalan2 was to go to paris, and that was ages, ages ago. you see, i'm not kaki jalan sgt, trips and journeys excite and exhaust me a lot, it makes me anxious like hell and i dont like that. and the main reason why i agreed to go to barcelona was because of a promise that i've made last year to someone dear to me and i felt oblige to fulfill this promise. and of course the other reason was the exploration part. i wont go to much detail of where and what we did in barcelona, all i can say was that i enjoyed myself tremendously, with the company that i had, with barcelona, with Gaudi, with the shopping bits, with the hotel, with everything. i'm surely going to treasure this experience.