My World

this time last week i was at heathrow, sending off my mum back home. i know i was going to be sad, but not that very sad, cos i know my mum is going home, to her family, and i know that her brothers, my uncles, were going to take good care of her. my cousins were there as well, so it wasnt like in 2002 where i had to send home my mum and sis at the heathrow and then be completely alone after that. i was wrong.

less then 5 minutes after my mum and uncles went into the departure gate, i was alone. same old loner again. i dont know, it was something that i had decided there and then. my cousins insisted me to stay at their place, at least for a few hours before my bus trip that night, but there and then my mind told me it is time to be alone again.

that night i was alone in the tube going from heathrow to victoria. then another 3 hours or so for my bus that scheduled at half 11. i felt lonely, and empty. 'life is definitely going back to the usual', i thought. i had to swallow the truth there and then. the usual life as a loner in a faraway land, where there's no one to care for you except yourself.

i have never been close to anyone except my family. i have friends, but no one actually come close enough to know the real me. maybe azali. and he's still learning to know the real me after 5 years we are together. maybe ellina. but she is she, and i am me, and there is still a tiny invisible barrier that exists between us. and i always know that i'm not a social type. i'm not active in societies, and i'm not comfortable in gatherings. i am me. who doesnt like crowds, and children, who despise over-friendliness, so i know i am and will always be a loner, except for one or two people who i invite in to be with me. the barrier that i build is there to stay, and i'm not complaining for being a loner, because that is me. but every now and then i have to bear the feeling of swallowing the fact that there is no one to talk to and laugh with or cry with. i am alone.