confusion + anxious = sleepness nights

1/25/2005 11:00:00 PM 0 Comments »

Prince Edward Island, Canada

it’s not that far from the UK, but a flight from london takes up to 20 hours to reach charlottetown, PEI, canada. obviously there is no direct flight from London, it has to go via montreal to reach my island of dreams. i am rather confused. and concerned. i was asked by Nad whether i was serious about this elective trip to PEI, canada. am i serious? i don’t know. you see, i am rather weak in my judgement and estimation. my heart sometimes overtakes my head.

when i read harry potter, i was really really absorbed into it. i felt it so real. and my mind, at some point, believed that he exists. and i bought lots of his mechandise, from duvet cover to calendar, posters to notes books, files to mouse pads, pencil cases and even my wallpaper was him! people may observed me as an obsessed fan, but believe me, it was more than that. he was REAL, to my mind. i was so convinced.

between june and sept 2001, i was really really convinced that i hate/dislike/despise this one guy. i really hate his presence in my life. what did I do? i did what every girl does, ie ditch him. i was convinced that was the best action. apparently not. 6 months later i begged him to come back and we were together again exactly 1 year after i dumped him and thank god we are still together now and even had an engagement ceremony last summer. magic? it was indeed a miracle.

what is it with my mind? i know ppl makes bad judgement or decision from time to time, but for me, i felt so convinced with what i felt at that time. it felt so damn real, only to regret it in a few months time. my conclusion is that because i like to see things in black or white. i don’t like things that are in between. like my feeling with azali, i don’t like uncertainty. it was either like him or loathe him. be with him, or be without him. for me, time is precious. too precious to spend it to think whether i like him or not. TAK SABAR. obviously love takes time to grow (well, that’s in my case, me definitely not a love-at-first-sight type of person).

same like in HP. i wanted to believe that he exists, and there cant be anything in between. like how i wrote about my loath to one girl in my hosp group just a few months ago. i really really hate her at that time. apparently not. presently, i realised what a mistake i made and she is a nice person actually. i felt bad for treating her (very) badly before this. again, i had to decide to like her or hate her. nothing comes in between. it's either black or white. no grey. no time.

back to my point. am i serious to go to PEI for elective? right now, it felt so real. i really really want to go there and do my elective and i'm determined to do that. but from my previous misjudgement, i'm not convinced whether i'm serious or not. is it just my overwhelming feeling? let me just pour down some thoughts that i had just now.

i want to go there. i think this is my last chance to do things that i want to do. not that i cant do what i want to do now, but chances are that i will be getting married right after i got my degree and then life goes on with my official other half. everything then has to go through 2 heads. then comes the children. then comes the morgages. bla bla bla. seriously, i cant see myself in having another chance to do any adventurous stuff that i've always wanted to do. i want to see the world (big words huh). i want to be carefree and have an adventurous life. but at the same time, it is my lifetime dream to settle down with someone i love, and i choose this, unconditionally. but there are things that i would like to fulfill before heading to the next phase in life.

ok. the plan. obviously, this trip is going to cost. a lot. ok. i got 18 months to prepare. good duration, dont you think? i think it should be enough. plus i work now. pretty good money, i would say, then X18 months. ok. med school bursaries. heard that it is quite easy to get, just that you have to put good effort into it, ie fill up some forms, make some short essays, show determination etc etc.

i think, if i got enough courage and strong determination, i can do this.

however, (this is the sad part), can i maintain my determination for 18 fucking months? that's a lloooooong time, huh. and with me being 'hangat2 tahi ayam'?. FACT. but my feeling now is soo strong and real. but will it last for 18 fucking long months? and...with my previous misjudgement + mis-estimation, i have doubts. big one. obviously this stuff needs limitless courage and strong determination, but can i maintain this feeling? plus, the thought of travelling there alone and live among total strangers, it makes me shiver. fat chance to get some approval from a monkey in malaysia. but at the same time i feel adventurous. this is the same like when i want to be alone in my room in most of the time, but at the same time i feel lonely. weirdo. fickle minded, that's what i am.

(i am actually shaking right now for my over-anxiety-ness)

i am confused.

i dont think i can sleep tonight. i didnt do anything yet, i know, but it's the thought of it that makes me anxious. over-productive adrenaline, i might say, and i cant control that, unfortunately. help!