a boy who has all the things a girl hasnt

1/10/2005 09:48:00 PM 0 Comments »
i decided to stay in the library until 6ish and walked back home. it wasnt that far, just about 25 minutes if you walk slowly, 20 minutes if you walk fast, and 5 minutes if you run (i did this once, so i'm not bluffing). usually, i walk to meds school but take the bus from town to home, cos usually i stay in robinson's (the main uni library) which is near town. but today i had all my classes in meds school, and i had to go to meds school's library to get some medical articles for my essay, so i had to stay there tho i dont usually like meds school's library, dont ask me why, maybe because i hate being surrounded by medical books/stuff cos i hate medicine so much but that's not my point here. my point is that i stayed at meds school library until dark and walked back home. it was dark, so i decided to walk along the main road. it was still dark. oh how i wish i was a boy.

if i was a boy, i wouldnt worry about going home alone at night. i would have been braver. i can leave the house whenever i want. i can stay in the library until it closes at 10. i like robinson's library. i also like to walk along the quayside at night. i did this once and how i got scolded after that. people cares about women so much. not that i'm not grateful. i went to an open house last 2 year's raya, which was situated somewhere in benwell, about 15 minutes from my house. the event finished late, but i dont mind walking home alone, it's about 8pm ish, cos i will walk along a busy main road. but the host insisted for me to get a lift from one of the guests. damn i hate this. 1) i hate being told what to do. 2) if i cant even walk myself home safely then i might just as well not leave my house at all duh. 3) if they are too damn protective on womens, dont they know that it will only make women think that they are weak? oh how i wish i was a boy.

if i was a boy, i'll be braver in many ways. i will decide what i want to do. not that i cant decide on the things i want to do right now, but again, bla bla bla, i have to consider my 'reputation' (like my mum told me a zillion times) as a young lady ("you wouldnt want being seen at night with various guys like da bitch, right?"). i'm still not sure what she meant by a girl's 'reputation' ie 'air muka', but i know she meant well. bosan bosan. if i was a boy, i will not be too concious about my appearance. to a guy, brain is everything. not everything lah, but for example, if you are as ugly as the donkey's butt, but if you got brain, thus money, style (go to style classes lah, duh, you got brain what), be kind and funny, money +++, you can get miss malaysia by your side huh (not that i think miss malaysia is beautiful, but you got what i mean huh). that i believe. but if you are a women, even if you have a pea sized brain, but if you are beautiful, you can still found someone who likes you and be your husband. life is not fair. a brainy well earned engineer marries a young beautiful village girl who didnt even pass her pmr. a brainy, well earned, respectable, kind hearted women doctor will live and die alone (not all lah, but it's just an example loh). oh how i wish i was boy, so that i can have more choices in life.

if i was a boy, i would not worry too much about my family. a guy has to do what a guy has to do. a guy is not expected to have a strong emotional bond with his family, not that he doesnt care, but a guy has less emotion than a girl (again, not all guy, i know some guys who are a cry baby to their mums). and me? a weak little girl who cries everytime her mum raises her voice. damn weak. wish i have less emotion. i want to be strong, physically and emotionally. physically strong, so that i can take care of myself, thank you very much, and not rely on others to lift those heavy boxes when i move houses, for example. emotionally strong, so that i will not be the girl who calls her fiance every week to tell him she misses him badly, just to hear him laughes back. she knows he misses her as bad as she misses him, but again, a guy can usually contains his emotion. no mushy mushy. wish i can contain my emotion. those who cry are weak. a girl cant control her tears. damn weak and useless. how i wish i was a boy.

one could argue with me about the advantage of being a girl. what? make-ups? er, hate those. was forced to wear lipstick to hide my stupid lips. skirts? like i want to show my bulky calves. see what i'm trying to say here? a girl's always concious. what else? shopping sense? like a guy cannot have a shopping sense duh. long silky hair? like a guy cannot have a long and silky hair. less responsibility? hey hear this. EVERYBODY got to have some responsibility, whether you are a girl or a boy, it doesnt make any difference. ha i got a big one here. a guy doesnt have monthly menstruation! or pms! no one can argue me here. dah la every fucking month. if you are lucky, it will only be stomach cramps for 3-4 days. if not, you'll be guling2 golek2 la alamatnye. er, i'm not complaining here, i know there are life threatening pains out there, but compared to the other gender of the same species who doesnt have to experience ANY pain at all? life is not fair.

life is indeed not fair. who said it does? life is unfair, complicated and not straight forward whatsoever at all.

no, i'm not having my pms. nor do i menstruate right now. i've been having this thought since, er, ages ago and now i want to tell the world.

i hate being a girl/women/female/whatever you name it. i hate being the weak gender. dont tell me 'oh you are what you are. it's you who shape your personality'. bullshit. why did i cry tho i dont want to cry? why did i menstruate every month tho i dont want to? whatever lah.

'ceh tak tau bersyukur'. that's what everybody tells me. fuck everybody. have you ever had a conversation with a guy who cant take his eyes off your chest tho you are wearing a modest t-shirt, not sexy whatsoever? i'm not blaming that guy here. i hate being the weak gender, with those lumps and bumps on my body. dah la kene pakai extra piece of clothes tu aka bra.

stop complaining!! got to get some showers to get rid of this anger and unsatisfaction. peace on human kind. peace on earth.