2/20/2004 12:38:00 AM 0 Comments »
i dont know how to start..am very very sad right now. it just happen quite suddenly, i already switched off my desk lamp and put myself under the dover for about 5 minutes, then DUH..it happen. i cried non-stop. i feel soo sad. not like sad as if being down, i just feel sad, sad. emotionally sad. sedih, sayu, sensitive.

this afternoon was my last counselling session. i didnt see it coming. thought it was just my usual, routine chat with the counsellor. her name is Pat. huh, i didnt even know her last name sob sob. i've been seeing her for..let me count..since last year's easter..that will be about 10 months. i say about, definitely more than 20-30 sessions i had with her, seeing her almost every week, or every fortnite. she is a nice lady, i guess in her 40-50s, has short white hair, quite small stature, about my height, with a warm appearance and motherly smile. ...cant stop crying again...

well, i can say she is a good counsellor. if not, i wont be crying for this last 1/2 hour, got my point? she approached me pretty well, i liked her almost instantly. guess it's because of her long experience in counselling. she never make me feel like being intruded (like i say b4, i can easily feel being intruded - can easily detect busy-bodyness - well, i cant say i can detect, but it's just me who didnt like ppl nosing around). she never give advice directly (i think she got 6th sense cos i really really hate getting advices). she made me think hard of what she had said and made me come out with my own conclusion. it was as if she showed me the door, but it's me who have the key and then open the door myself. i always, mark my word, always, feel good and calm down after every session with her, no matter how grumpy i was b4 seeing her.

and here i am, after 10 months worth counselling, i got the 'eureka'. i manage to get answers myself. it's not exactly an answer, as there are many things in life come without answer, but i just feel enough. the end. will the misrable-ness come again, i dont know, but i'm satisfied with what i got today. i'm not sure whether it comes from Pat, or the anti-depressant that i took, or the phone conversations with my mum, or my dad's constant caring sms, or very patient azali, or always-be-there elina, or the patient Prof Spencer from Meds school, or doa after semayang etc etc, but i feel great. great, great. it's been quite sometime since i last feel this way. i cant describe it, all i can say that it's not the endless misrable-ness that i used to have.

back to Pat. i feel sad because she manages to attach myself to her. she knows almost everything about me, my family, my life. no one knows me that much, not even me. she opened more doors than i knew i had. and this afternoon was our last meeting. i dont have any counselling session again. i wont be seeing her again. it's like losing someone close. like losing a close fren. and that's sad.

wonder why before this i tend to push ppl away? away from knowing me too well? this is why. i dont want to attach myself. i have the tendency to attach myself emotionally, easily. like this one simple example, when i watch movie, i attach myself in too deep, it felt like as if i was in the movie myself. like how i attach myself into anime. and harry potter. and human as well. when this happen, parting from them will be a total nightmare. i've never been closed to frens back in taiping and kmys. like, close, close. my frens never come to my house. wirda, liza, laila, azlizawati etc etc..they never know, know me. but being away from family was too hard for me. i have to be close close to someone. and i got closed to this girl. my housemate (mistery tu...hihi saje wat suspen, though it's 100% sure it's her. got nobody else). i once told oja that i like this girl so much (again..not lesbo thingy). but at the same time i'm still not sure. me and my push-ppl-away thingy. but certain thing you cant elak. and now i'm sad again. i used to cry at night for her. she is too wonderful, and now way too close to me. but some day, some sweet day, eventually, i have to part from her. she will need to follow her path. so do i. i fear for that day. fear fear. sad sad. cry cry

i hate crying. but right now i just cant control it. there's nothing i can do. i'm scared if i forget Pat's face. i'm scared if i forget about her. i'm scared of thinking myself as an old, winkled women who suddenly remembers back her memories of a middle-aged, British women who used to help her during her difficult times. i'm scared of losing my memories with her