go and die

2/14/2004 04:30:00 PM 0 Comments »
yup..am moody for this past few days. maybe cos of the weather. grey clouds. windy. rain. maybe becos of the flu. terrible flu i got since thursday. or wednesday. running nose. blocked nose. just imagine. you feel something flowing thru your nose but you cant blow your nose becos it's blocked? yare yare i know almost everbody have experienced this. in some way, bagus gak cos it has reduced my appetite/craving for food. the only food that i can eat with no appetite require is toast bread with chocolate spread. doh..that choco spread thingy has reminded me of something. someone. it was last year when i got depressed (again..sigh) and i couldnt eat at all. i was hungry, of course, but i didnt have any appetite, at all. it's like your head couldnt/wouldnt/didnt allow you to eat. i was starving. i lost much weight (clue: i can wear jeans size 26 nicely). in someway i was delighted to have lost such weight (who doesnt?) but for a person who cherish food (i live for food, mind you) so much, i was frustated. to cut the story short, i went to coventry to visit azali one day. he concerned about my eating, but as usual, i dont like ppl to busy-bodying bout my life. though he's my own bf, i just dont like ppl to care/wory bout me (hmm..it's called selfishness..). in my mind, that is busy-bodying. then he went to shop various foods for me to eat, but i still didnt want to eat. until one day he brought home some bread and chocolate spread. and i ate. only those two things. and when my visit was over, he sent me off at the train station and gave me a jar of choco spread for me to bring back to newcastle. at that time i knew that he cared for me genuinely. me plak tend to push other ppl away.

maybe i'm moody because today's valentine's day. i went to town just now to buy some tissue for my running nose and some bread and choco spread for me to eat, and i saw most of the ppl in town were couples. and i was there alone with a red nose and thick coat with no one to hold my hand. or buy me card. i miss azali but last nite plak pie gado ngn die. over silly things. went to call him last nite to wish him happy valentine but ended up fighting. me and my individualistic-ness. i'm a very guided person. i have the usual tendency to push ppl away. i dont like ppl care for me. it took sometime (err..3 years) for me to accept the fact that he cares for me genuinely.and now he's away, i feel distance. he has become more and more of a stranger. it's weird actually. i actually feel sad about this, but part of me still with the guided-ness-push-ppl-away thingy. c.o.m.p.l.i.c.a.t.e.d

happy valentine everyone