My World

i'm happy. it's a nice feeling and i cant help but smile.

already bought my flight ticket and due to arrive this monday. settle with meds school, which gave me good support. saw a smile and cheerful face at meds school, who i saw for my appointment this afternoon. thanks, you made my day. then got a very good news from finance office. nice. then went back home and it's snowing. really really heavy snow and i like it. everywhere covered with snow and there are heavy snow falls from the sky. i guess it's a send off sign from newcastle. nice.

i'm really tired too. havent got enuff sleep for these past few days. but i'm not complaining. things couldnt be better. with mara, meds school, family and frens, and i'm going home! just one tiny thing, i do hope mara nyer allowance masuk tomoro. so that i can start buying chocolates and other things for ppl back home.

hm..just realise i didnt eat a thing today. just a few gulps of coffee decaf. dono, i just forgot to eat. hmm..tired, cant sleep, forgot to eat? funny eh. well, better sign off now and prepare my food. dont want to spoil this day by being hungry. i live for food!

yup yup i'm going home! very very soon. havent got a confirm date yet, but will definitely have a long break from my study. yup yup had settled with medic school already and hopefully, hopefully settle with mara very soon. just need to write and send the last letter and make a polite phonecall to mara, confirm with my dad who will pay for my ticket (hihi love you dad!), go to a travel agent, buy a flight ticket and TADAAA..i'll be in the airplane going back home!

or am i getting too excited too soon? is it my anxiety-ness (which is same as too excited, stupid me)? la la la la la la la la la la la la la la... maybe. ah, i dont care. as long as i'm hepi for tonite, that's enuff for me. these past few days/weeks had been kinda...complicated to me. i dont even realise myself anymore. too emotional (i mean..way tooooo emotional..cry like hell..stupid), too angry (angry like hell too), too manic (hepi a while, then tada..sad again) and yeh, too complicated/complex you name it. and there are lots and lots of things to settle here b4 i can go back home (you cant think i can simply board a plane and off? but i do wish to do that..hmm). settle my room here at newcastle, my stuff (it's a lot! dont blame me, it's my 4th year huh), scholarship, bank etc etc. hmm..

what the hell. I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! hopefully the journey will be safe and sound. hihi

**The other one **
During this time you may find your own inward unconscious drives mirrored in someone else's actions. Usually this occurs as a conflict in which the other person acts very irrationally and compulsively in ways that are detrimental to your goals. Look at this person very carefully. Although it may seem quite magical, he or she is really reflecting your own inward ego problems. The other person is yourself! This is because you tend to project your inner attitudes onto the other person, rather than experiencing the other person directly as he or she really is. Unpleasant as it may be to deal with someone who is being difficult, you may learn a great deal about yourself in the process.

**Wonderful opportunities **
Valid during many months: This influence indicates the beginning of a new cycle of growth and progress. However, it is often the focus of exaggerated expectations. You may expect sudden windfalls, great wealth or luck, and all kinds of wonderful opportunities. And these things do happen sometimes with this influence, but most people should expect more subtle, but equally useful effects.

Events now, such as meetings with persons or even changes in your psyche, open the way for you to become wiser and more mature and to have a broader understanding of the world. At this time you will reach out consciously and unconsciously and ask more of the world, but at the same time you are willing to give more to the world.

This influence can make you feel either more demanding or more giving toward others, but you are not likely to get much out of it if you think only of what you can get. The law of conservation of energy in the universe says that you can transform the energies in your life from one form to another, but you cannot create them out of nothing. This influence represents a time when you should see whether you are doing that in your life.

Concretely, you can expect persons who are good for you to come into your life. Or circumstances will arise that give you increased freedom or an opportunity to do something that you have never done before. Educational opportunities may come to you at this time, or a chance to travel. Sometimes this influence does in fact bring about financial advantage, but you should not sit around passively waiting for it to happen.

am too lazy to blog. i.am.bored.like.hell.full.stop.

You're Element is Flame. You have a strong,
independant, fiery personality and you
obviously don't ley other's puch you around.
You like being in charge and don't care what
other people think. In fact, you like to stand
out and be yourself. You're probably shy when
people first meet you but your a ball of energy
that could explode at any given moment. You
like to laugh and whether you admit it or not,
you like to fight. You're peronality that is
wild and untamable. You're beauty is physically
fit and a little sexy and you have a very
pretty face.


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

i dont know how to start..am very very sad right now. it just happen quite suddenly, i already switched off my desk lamp and put myself under the dover for about 5 minutes, then DUH..it happen. i cried non-stop. i feel soo sad. not like sad as if being down, i just feel sad, sad. emotionally sad. sedih, sayu, sensitive.

this afternoon was my last counselling session. i didnt see it coming. thought it was just my usual, routine chat with the counsellor. her name is Pat. huh, i didnt even know her last name sob sob. i've been seeing her for..let me count..since last year's easter..that will be about 10 months. i say about, definitely more than 20-30 sessions i had with her, seeing her almost every week, or every fortnite. she is a nice lady, i guess in her 40-50s, has short white hair, quite small stature, about my height, with a warm appearance and motherly smile. ...cant stop crying again...

well, i can say she is a good counsellor. if not, i wont be crying for this last 1/2 hour, got my point? she approached me pretty well, i liked her almost instantly. guess it's because of her long experience in counselling. she never make me feel like being intruded (like i say b4, i can easily feel being intruded - can easily detect busy-bodyness - well, i cant say i can detect, but it's just me who didnt like ppl nosing around). she never give advice directly (i think she got 6th sense cos i really really hate getting advices). she made me think hard of what she had said and made me come out with my own conclusion. it was as if she showed me the door, but it's me who have the key and then open the door myself. i always, mark my word, always, feel good and calm down after every session with her, no matter how grumpy i was b4 seeing her.

and here i am, after 10 months worth counselling, i got the 'eureka'. i manage to get answers myself. it's not exactly an answer, as there are many things in life come without answer, but i just feel enough. the end. will the misrable-ness come again, i dont know, but i'm satisfied with what i got today. i'm not sure whether it comes from Pat, or the anti-depressant that i took, or the phone conversations with my mum, or my dad's constant caring sms, or very patient azali, or always-be-there elina, or the patient Prof Spencer from Meds school, or doa after semayang etc etc, but i feel great. great, great. it's been quite sometime since i last feel this way. i cant describe it, all i can say that it's not the endless misrable-ness that i used to have.

back to Pat. i feel sad because she manages to attach myself to her. she knows almost everything about me, my family, my life. no one knows me that much, not even me. she opened more doors than i knew i had. and this afternoon was our last meeting. i dont have any counselling session again. i wont be seeing her again. it's like losing someone close. like losing a close fren. and that's sad.

wonder why before this i tend to push ppl away? away from knowing me too well? this is why. i dont want to attach myself. i have the tendency to attach myself emotionally, easily. like this one simple example, when i watch movie, i attach myself in too deep, it felt like as if i was in the movie myself. like how i attach myself into anime. and harry potter. and human as well. when this happen, parting from them will be a total nightmare. i've never been closed to frens back in taiping and kmys. like, close, close. my frens never come to my house. wirda, liza, laila, azlizawati etc etc..they never know, know me. but being away from family was too hard for me. i have to be close close to someone. and i got closed to this girl. my housemate (mistery tu...hihi saje wat suspen, though it's 100% sure it's her. got nobody else). i once told oja that i like this girl so much (again..not lesbo thingy). but at the same time i'm still not sure. me and my push-ppl-away thingy. but certain thing you cant elak. and now i'm sad again. i used to cry at night for her. she is too wonderful, and now way too close to me. but some day, some sweet day, eventually, i have to part from her. she will need to follow her path. so do i. i fear for that day. fear fear. sad sad. cry cry

i hate crying. but right now i just cant control it. there's nothing i can do. i'm scared if i forget Pat's face. i'm scared if i forget about her. i'm scared of thinking myself as an old, winkled women who suddenly remembers back her memories of a middle-aged, British women who used to help her during her difficult times. i'm scared of losing my memories with her

yup, today i cook nasi lemak. ate a lot. like it's something new...ho ho ho

went to uni kejap tadi. met this one malaysian guy in front of the union. not that close with him, but he's frenly, so i dont mind having a chat kejap with him. borak nyer borak, he said he didnt want to go back to malaysia after graduate because he didnt have anyone back home. huh? being alone in this foreign country, and alone as well back home? of course la you cant say him being alone becos he got frens and keluarga angkat, but having no blood-related person in this whole world? oh man.

but hei, if you dont have anyone to concern to and nobody to be concerned of, that's brilliant, isnt it? you dont have to consider your parents feeling, no need to compare your exam results with the other siblings/cousins etc, all you have to consider is yourself! you can be what you want, can do what you want. no burden, no responsibility, except for yourself. you just need to take good care of yourself, no string attached. live your life as you wish, go to the end of the world if you like, without needing to have regular visit to somewhere, someone. you work as you like, spend as you like, marry someone you like without needing an approval, no majlis merisik lah, majlis tunang lah, malam berinai lah, pelamin lah, hantaran lah blah blah blah and yup, the crowd. why not just go to masjid, kadi, akad, saksi, mas kawin, tada, husband and wife. 'no, no, you need to consider your parents feeling'. pastu, cucu lah, cicit lah, whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging.....

my point is, to have a zero expectation, zero responsibility life, it's priceless.

but that's impossible. not entirely imposible lah, of course, there are ppl out there who have or choose to have that kind of life. for what reason, i dont know, but i've listed mine. i know some ppl may not agree with me, fine, your life, my life. i, too, am not sure to choose that kind of life, if i were given the chance to choose. nobody related to you in this world? isnt it weird? no parents, no siblings, and most importantly, no place to go back to? i know my mum kuat bebel, but she did lots of other things for me as well. when i was down, she told me about her new handbag worth RM 2400 (dont ask me). weird isnt it? a handbag can cheer someone up other that the owner? becos she knows me for sooooo damn long, and the fact that i've shared half of my gene with her (hence the handbags/shoes/shopping addiction). my parents and family build a mountain of priceless memories for me, and most importantly, they make me the person i am today (not the sperm and egg thingy huh, but that's true as well hmm..). build me, me. i know i'm not the best person in the world, but to be able to breath and smile today, is such an achievement (what am i saying?). i hate all the bebel, advices, 'reminders' but (oh i hate to admit this) they actually help me to get thru this life. and i'm complaining/whinging all day...la la la not grateful la la la

life is like nasi lemak, some taste good, some not, some like it pedas, some not, some got allergic to nuts, some just cant eat it though they like it cos of takut gemuk. nasi lemak doesnt always taste good (life is not always a bed of roses), some like it pedas, some not (variety of human's destiny), some got allergic to nuts (you cant have everything in life), some cant eat it though they like it becos of takut gemuk (well, you cant just consider yourself when making a decision, ie need to consider other ppl's view and opinion as well). hihihi amacam? ratu merepek no 1 dunia. nite everyone >o<

yup..am moody for this past few days. maybe cos of the weather. grey clouds. windy. rain. maybe becos of the flu. terrible flu i got since thursday. or wednesday. running nose. blocked nose. just imagine. you feel something flowing thru your nose but you cant blow your nose becos it's blocked? yare yare i know almost everbody have experienced this. in some way, bagus gak cos it has reduced my appetite/craving for food. the only food that i can eat with no appetite require is toast bread with chocolate spread. doh..that choco spread thingy has reminded me of something. someone. it was last year when i got depressed (again..sigh) and i couldnt eat at all. i was hungry, of course, but i didnt have any appetite, at all. it's like your head couldnt/wouldnt/didnt allow you to eat. i was starving. i lost much weight (clue: i can wear jeans size 26 nicely). in someway i was delighted to have lost such weight (who doesnt?) but for a person who cherish food (i live for food, mind you) so much, i was frustated. to cut the story short, i went to coventry to visit azali one day. he concerned about my eating, but as usual, i dont like ppl to busy-bodying bout my life. though he's my own bf, i just dont like ppl to care/wory bout me (hmm..it's called selfishness..). in my mind, that is busy-bodying. then he went to shop various foods for me to eat, but i still didnt want to eat. until one day he brought home some bread and chocolate spread. and i ate. only those two things. and when my visit was over, he sent me off at the train station and gave me a jar of choco spread for me to bring back to newcastle. at that time i knew that he cared for me genuinely. me plak tend to push other ppl away.

maybe i'm moody because today's valentine's day. i went to town just now to buy some tissue for my running nose and some bread and choco spread for me to eat, and i saw most of the ppl in town were couples. and i was there alone with a red nose and thick coat with no one to hold my hand. or buy me card. i miss azali but last nite plak pie gado ngn die. over silly things. went to call him last nite to wish him happy valentine but ended up fighting. me and my individualistic-ness. i'm a very guided person. i have the usual tendency to push ppl away. i dont like ppl care for me. it took sometime (err..3 years) for me to accept the fact that he cares for me genuinely.and now he's away, i feel distance. he has become more and more of a stranger. it's weird actually. i actually feel sad about this, but part of me still with the guided-ness-push-ppl-away thingy. c.o.m.p.l.i.c.a.t.e.d

happy valentine everyone

alo
i want to go home. i mean, home malaysia. i want to eat kuewteow goreng. sambal udang. i want to go to supermarket and buy and eat anything/everything without need to find the sign V on the label. i want to go to bed and say goodnite to my parents. i want to go to pasar malam and buy tulang ayam goreng and jagung rebus. and air tebu. and kopok goreng. i want to go to klcc with my mum and my sis, watching movie at tgv and eat kentucky at the concorde floor and my mum will pay everything. i want to go to kuantan's berjaya megamall and watch my dad, my mum and iwan play bowling against each other. my dad always comes first, then my mum, and iwan is the last though he has learnt various technique/skills, own the best ball. i like to meet my sis at jalan TAR after she finishes her job on saturday. there will be a big pasar malam there and she will buy me any food/things that i like. i like to go shopping with my dad, he likes to go to odd shops and tak lokek; my mum, she got really good taste on style and brands; my sis, as she likes to spoil us (her younger sister and 2 brothers) to rot because she loves us so much; jiman, my 1st younger bro, because he's tall and good-looking and making me look good walking beside him; and iwan, my youngest bro, because i just love him! i want to be on our regular kuantan-kl-kuantan journey, i always sit in front as my dad says that i'm a good navigator and a good company to make him stay awake while driving. on the way we always stop kat gerai2 kat maran or karak, my dad will have 'nescafe tarik kurang manis satu' and roti canai double, my mum will only have a glass of teh o, and i'll have anything that dont have curry. iwan likes milo ice dua. i want to see my sister's smile, she has the sweetest smile ever with her two lesung taring, my mum's fresh face in the morning, my dad's expressionless but funny face, though everybody in his ofis scared of his thick misai. jiman's control macho face. iwan's sunburned yet so cute face. oh i miss to wear tudung again, miss to see malaysian faces again, miss the heat and rain back home, miss to see those familiar faces again. i miss home. sigh

TADA!
here's my new layout! how do you guys think? kinda softie kan colour die. ntah ler. actually my initial choice of colour is dark, dark red, like the blood's colour. but couldnt find the exact dark red colour that i like, then come this colour scheme and ahhh...cair sat hihi. do give comment about this new layout. i know it's not much, not like wirda or elina yg gaban2 belaka, but i guess this is more than enuff for me, or for my standard. i am more than happy to own a blog!

tgh dgr lagu Maroon 5. damn damn good. esp Sweetest Goodbye. i know i have mentioned this b4, but believe me it's good! exactly my type of song. Harder to Breath is good too. i'm thinking of buying their cd, but need to check my budget first hihi.

oklah, guess that's all for now. i hope you guys like this new layout. gonna watch Grammy on E4 in 10 minutes. i know, i know, it's last week's event, but that's for the US. UK lambat seminggu eh. but we're fortunate to have E4 huh elina, if we are still in Ricky Road flats, taik gigi je la hihi. CALO!

ps: japanese word of the day: baga/baka=idiot/stupid, saru=monkey. hatta (hihi) bakasaru=stupid monkey!

alo
nothing much happen. my left shoulder hurts like hell. dono wot happen. but i did notice that since last Christmas, i couldnt put my handbag on my left shoulder like i used to. i can still put my handbag there, but only for about half and hour before it hurts. then after the manchester trip it got worse. i cant sit, lay down, or be in any position without my left shoulder hurting me. yesterday it got worse and i had to take paracetamol to ease the pain. it worked for a few hours, then i had to take another 2 paracetamols. oh man.. should i go see the GP or continue taking paracetamol? i know they will prescribe me another pain-killer/analgesic pills. ah malas nak pk. there are tons of other things that i should settle/solve/consider/reconsider/think etc

well, here's a story. i like somebody who is simple, hardworking, knows his/her stuff quite well, dedicated, matured. and i dont like lazy ppl, talkative, busy-body, CEREWET, annoying etc. if you are in the latter group, i wont go and talk to you etc becos it's your life, your choice and i wont disturb you.but it's a matter of like and dislike. you cant change it, neither do i. and i have a fren who used to have a hard life, and then he works hard, has a goal, dedicated, strong and matured. but now he's taking life for granted (well that's how i think), jumping from one job to another, 'couldnt find a "suitable" job for him'. fine, i never work in my whole life and never been in a working environment in malaysia b4. but i still hate that kind of behaviour. he asked for my support (ie emotional support/courage), but how can i give him if i hate this behaviour? i have lost my respect for him. if he's like this when i first knew him, dont think i'll like him like i used to like him. (man..this is complicated). i remember back then in school when i first met him, he had a different button colour in his shirt. it was a yellow button in an all green shirt+buttons. complete mismatch, but at that time i totally like him. i made a conclusion that he sew the yellow button himself (dont think a girl/mother/women would do that) and he is used to have a hard life and instead of trying to find a matching button or buy a new shirt, he just sew a totally different button. simple. I LIKE SIMPLE PEOPLE. maybe becos i am so complicated myself, but that's another story. i like the fact that this fren of mine is simple (or i think he is). he doesnt care what kind of dish i cook, he will eat it happily. he doesnt care how i look (i am ugly you know), but he still like to be my fren. he is a simple guy, the best thing i like about him. but now he is so fussy about his job. a complete turn off for me, if you know what i mean. it's hard to explain (or maybe i'm just being too complicated).

i'm in no mood to say more. have a nice day everyone.

ha ha. baru scan gamba me and azali. enjoy the pics!

gambar Manchester dah ade! but not all, cume pics from camera digital elina je la. 8 pics only. wait till i develop my kodak, scan it, and put more pics in the album. tapi my camera tu kodak die tak abis lagi, so need to wait la. i might finish it off in this next few days. there are also some old pics which i thought dah ilang. rupenye still ade kat yahoo photo, but in a different account. go to the left side of this blog, click to 'Gambar2 saya', then 'Gambar lame' for those who havent seen it, and 'Manchester' to view Manchester pics. oklah, enjoy the pics!

ps:// now listening to Maroon 5's Sweetest Goodbye. hmm..leh tahan. best

alo
ponatnye makcik. more than 4 hours in the car, coming back from manchester to home newcastle. the journey back was smooth, at least smoother compared to the journey to manchester, but that's another story (hint* next paragraph..huhu). we choose the route back home via lake district which has nice views and less cars. unfortunately, it was already 5-6ish pm something when we passed lake district, and being a 'minor' route, it was dark, empty and no light street, at all! nevertheless we managed to find all the essential junctions, routes etc and arrived to newcastle safe and sound though tired.

the journey towards manchester was the opposite! we lost, confused, lost again, confused again..a total disaster! no one to blame, as all of us didnt prepare thoroughly enough. then when we arrived at manchester, we got lost, again. and with the weather...god knows what we have done to deserve this. very, i mean VERY strong wind, plus rain, i mean HEAVY rain, didnt help us find our way. as if that was not bad enough, one of the main road in the central manchester was closed. traffic jam everywhere! and we lost again. then we decided to park our car in the outskirt of the city so that we can find our way easier...bad, if not worst, idea. strong wind, heavy rain (it wasnt rained when we parked our car!) + wet map...and we lost again. then finally we decided to take the metro to go to our aim destination. tired +angry + really really angry + wet all over + damn strong freezing wind... and yeh, lost. nasib baik i really really like the other 3 girls..if not mesti sudah marah2. me and my temper..sory!

the 2nd day was much much better. we prepared our journey, got arip, a fren of mine in manchester, to show us around the university and the city. and the weather had improved as well, though the wind was still strong and damn cold, at least there wasnt any rain. and our host at manchester was really really nice, thanks to them, we had a warm and comfy night. manchester is a very pleasant city, spacious and has lots and lots of shops! man...how we conquered both MNG's shops, in fact all 4 of us bought something there! handbags! i bought myself a lime-green coloured handbag, love it so much! didnt have enough money to buy the matching shoes though huhu. then we went to wagamama! best noodles ever! i ate twice! man..there should open a branch in newcastle huh. i first went to wagamama with huda at london. a japanese restaurant which serves ramen (soup noodle), omai udon (fried thick noodle) etc. best best! special thanks to arip, sabo die tunggu we all shopping2, siap pegangkan my bags! calon suami mithali, like elina said hihi. well, he is indeed a treasured fren of mine, i wish him every happiness and prosperity.

and here i am, dah mandi and clean, ready to sleep. oh yeh..snooker masters final. both 2 hensem young players managed to get a place in the final. ronnie o'sullivan vs paul hunter. i have nothing against hunter, but i've been following o'sullivan for sometime and of course i prefer him. and... hunter won. damn. damn. damn. sian o'sullivan, but hunter had played very10X good tonite. takde la ape2 for me, but as soon as hunter scored the last match, i switched the tv off. that's explained how i feel...hhuhuhu

good nite! nak tepon azali after this..mish him huhu. the way arip talk, walk..and the fact that they are good frens, has reminded me of azali. mish him huhu

we're going to manchester tomoro! jalan2 kotaraya hihi. manchester is indeed a kotaraya, it's the 2nd biggest city in the UK after london. ade ke arip (my fren kat manchester) said that manchester is small? well, we wait and see machester tomoro with our own eyes then. got a few aim places..wagamama, a must japanese restaurant, yum yum food comes first hihi, then hardrock cafe manchester, my sis kat mesia pesan a few t-shirts, and last but not least, MNG. soft spot huh that place. must go!

but then tomoro i'll miss snooker masters semi-final at BBC2. i've told you guys rite that i'm a sport event freak? but i myself dont like sports, mind you, it's just sport events yg kat tv. anything will do, from snooker, rugby, F1 yada yada. all 4 very good snooker players got their places for the semi final which took place at wembley, london. Paul Hunter, better known as 'the Becham for snooker' bcos he's young, good-looking and talented (he is indeed the youngest (28), blond, hensem woo and very good player). he defeats the mighty Mark Williams at the quater final (Williams is currently no1 in world ranking in snooker..hence the 'mighty'). Hunter will be playing against John Higgins at semi final tomoro. Higgins is quite good too, in his 40s, i think, innocent-looking man, reminds me of bilbo baggins hihi. Higgins defeats Steven Lee at quater final, dont like Lee as he reminds me of Wormtail (a traitor character in Harry Potter), who has round face, pointed nose and plump figure. nasib baik Higgin defeats Lee during quater final.

then there is Ronnie O'sullivan, who will be playing against Jimmy White for the other semi final. my personal favourite player. O'sullivan, better known as 'the Rocket' bcos of his fast pace in potting snooker balls. he is a hensem guy with an Italian feature (hmm mesti ellina suke hihi). cool gaks. he is currently no3 in the world ranking. while White is a comeback player, ie he used to win a few tournaments back then when he was young. and he's in his 40s now and starts playing good again, in fact he defeats the no2 player (Steven Hendry) in the best 16 match, and Peter Ebdon, a skillful and experienced player, during the quater final.

so here we have 4 very good player, playing in the semi final of the snooker masters tomoro, and the winners will fight against each other in the final on sunday. i'll definitely gonna miss the saturday match as i'll be spending whole day kat manchester. but hopefully, i mean HOPEFULLY, i manage to catch the final match on sunday as we might have already arrived back here at newcastle b4 the live final match at BBC2 at 8pm. hopefully hopefully hopefully x100. hihi

oklah then, dah siap packing my stuff for the 2-day trip to manchester. i might kacau ellina a bit and watch sex and the city on her computer, thanks to imesh. good nite for now, hope i have a nice trip tomoro along with ellina, ct and kak syikin. sayonara!

ps: japanese word for today: itadakimasu = let's eat

it's official. i'm fat..fat..FAT!!!!!!!
in every other day, ie once in every 2 days, i'll have a very very full (+bloated,buncit, you name it) stomach. i'm soo damn buncit, it hurts. yet i still carry on eating..yum..yum..this kitkat no.whatever is so damn good..yum yum..+ hot choco + biscuit + chocolates again..yum yum...I CANT STOP EATING!! HELP ME!

mirtazapine. bnf page 196.
indications: depressive illness
side-effects: yada yada yada.. increased appetite and weight gain..what? INCREASED APPETITE AND WEIGHT GAIN? NOOOOO.....!

damn it those doctors. didnt bother to ask me whether i am the kind of person who is cautious bout her weight. of course i am! i'm a bloody girl! cant you notice? damn damn

but cant blame her though, i mean the female doc. last time she gave me fluoxetine, which side effects are include losing appetite and weight. and i lost not less than 7 kg. in a month. tak tipu. serius. yet i was complaining back then. what was i thinking? i should have enjoyed it! and now she changed my medication to something that actually gain my weight back..and i'm complaining again? human...never satisfy with what they have...

ps:// short story but worth mentioning, i think. finished watch ER just now, how proud i am to be able to understand most of the medical terms used! HIHI. big deal for a med student eh? yes indeed, especially for a no-1-hater-of-medicine-but-still-being-forced-to-take-it-every-damn-day. so i'm not so bad eh as a meds student? kewl...

alo
first of all, i would like to apologise to sape2 yg berkenaan. no one in particular, but i guess these past few days/weeks/months, i've been hurting other ppl unintentionally. well, not quite true, but when i shut myself from any possible contact and if this particular behaviour hurts other ppl, esp my frens, i'm sorry. this is the only way i know for me to cope with my problems, but if it hurts my frens, i'm sorry. i tend to keep problems to myself. i dont like to tell my frens about it. for me, it's an embarassment. not quite true, again, but if i have a certain problem, or when my mind goes way too much complicated, it's better for me to find the solution myself. i am fully aware that everybody's life is not exactly a bed of roses, including my frens', so that's why i 'keberatan' to share my problems with anyone.

had a long talk with my counsellor this morning..sigh..as usual la. hmm..this is the..let me count..the 9th month i've seen this particular counsellor. i can say that she knows me pretty well. had some frenly arguments with her, as usual, cause it's been sometime since this thick head of mine can accept ANY advice. true, it's all true that i cant seem to allow any advice to penetrate my head. nope, my parents seldom, if never, give me any advice. so cant blame me ah for having this thick aka degil head (lame excuse..again). but i think this particular counsellor knows me pretty well. dont think she wants me to worsen. well, i've been thinking hard about her advices, yare yare (and so on, so on in japanese) about the above matter.

dont want to write much. one step at a time (actually need to catch ER kat tv sat lagi! hihi). what i can say is that all of this is a method of defense. i dont like being intruded (and i can easily feel this!..my prob..), so that's why i shut myself out from any contact. and if i am in a not-so-good situation (aka bad mood) i always shut myself in my room to avoid any shouting. hmm..that never actually happen..but need to refer to my housemates about that. oklah, got to go. have a nice day everyone! sayonara

jarang woo aku nangih tgk cite. b4 this, the only movie that can make me cry is 'Deep Impact'. remember that movie? it was in the cinema at the same time as Armageddon, which i think was super stink, and it's waayy below Matrix Revolution, if you know what i mean. but Deep Impact was very good, same theme as Armageddon ie some comets (i think) gonna crush the earth yada yada yada, Elijah Wood was in it. the movie was very touching, esp when elijah's young wife's mother gave her her lil bro, so that they can have better chance of survival of the impact bcos the couple (elijah+wife) got a motorbike at that crucial time. waa..i watched it 3 times, i cried 3 times.

but now i'm talking about a new movie that can make me cry. Contact. starring Jodie Foster. did it rang any bell? it's a sci-fi movie, Ellie (Foster)(wuu my name) is a very bright astronomer who first discovers an extra-terrestial signal after been researching for so long. the signal is actually a code, which represents a complete structural data to build a 'ship'. it's not exactly a ship, but actually an equipment/transport to go to Vega system (the origin of the signal), which is 26million lights away from earth. yada yada yada, know you already got bored with this, but this movie has very much reminded me of my old passion. that's why i cried

i used to want to become an astronomer, and if possible, an astronout. wahh...still remember those times.. i knew i like astronomy since i was standard 4 when i read my big sis's science text book. do you remember back then when we were in form 3 we learnt about sun, planets, galaxies? i was very very much in love with that topic. i wished to see all the planets, discover whether they have intelligent life forms or not. if you watch that movie, my feeling was exactly the same as Ellie's. have to admit i'm a star trek, star wars fan. but then i know that in malaysia they dont have much advanced facilities in astronomy, lack of job opportunities etc etc etc. (waahh..NASA..my ultimate super dream). so i just buried my passion back then. i also remembered back in kmys when we were required to take DIV classes (not important but compulsory classes). there was a teacher who asked us about our true ambition. she meant true, true. i said i want to become an astronomy and astronout, of course. (hihi..remember azlizawati wanted to become a fashion designer, who would have thought that?)

i change my passion to maths. (as no one put in their record profile book they want to become an astronomer/astronout). i really really like maths. then when i learn add maths back when i was in form 4, i said to myself..WHAT AN ULTIMATE CAHAYA HIDAYAT!. i was soo damn excited i would have peed myself (hihi but it's true!) it was like discovering something that you like sooo damn much. this is much much better than shopping! i would live for maths, eat for maths, die for maths (what a geek). then i told my mum, during the dec break (tuk naik form5), i told my mum i like maths so much. i want to become a maths expert. i didnt really care to do anything else. then she told me something, but i couldnt remember her exact words, but she hinted me to do something better, which is up to my ability. huh, tak paham. but i did get what she hinted, ie she would have preferred me doing something else beside maths. tada. end of story. the rest is history. oh sedihnye mengimbas kenangan silam...

Selamat Hari Raya Haji!
not that i celebrate it that much, but then my housemates were quite eagered several days ago when they suggest we cook and have a meal together. but then this morning i woke up late, i cant help it huh..i cant sleep again last nite. every nite i sleep at 5-6 in the morning. tak leh tido! b4 this it's about 3-4 am, but it's getting later and worse. what to do what to do. since i tido lambat, i missed the raya prayer. huhu. woke up at 12 and went to the kitchen directly, then kak jua and kak syikin told me they'd done everything. what's left to do is the chicken, in which i promise to make ayam kentucky. so i cooked alone. finish everything at 2pm, then we ate together. yey

i feel very much guilty about my previous blog. this will happen if you cant sleep in early odd hours, with nothing much to do, then EVERY single thing that's in your mind comes pouring out again and again. but what's done is done, in fact what's written is exactly what i have in my mind. just that you dont normally write all those 'inner' thought on your blog, but hei dont think i'm normal, so that's fine with me (lame excuse dhooo).

i have discovered a new love in my life. not another human, DHO, where can i put azali? i mean my perfume. my perfume. never like any kind of perfume before. i'm the kind of girl who doesnt like perfume and hardly use them. i got 2 perfumes initially, each from my parents (what an embarassing fact..azali is soo not romantic, but he knows me too well but to give me a thing that i hardly use). both perfumes, dkny and lancome's poeme are still full. i dont like wangi2...eeee... it's too girlish. but then last week i bought myself a perfume. ck truth. dont know what got into my mind when i bought this thing (cause there's a clearance sale..oo ..that's why..hmm). it was like love at first, er, smell. totally utterly love it! cant describe my feeling. i wear it everyday, night and day. just put some on the back of my palm, and i will sniff it every now and then. waaahhhhh...