1/31/2004 03:23:00 AM 0 Comments »
cant sleep. tossing on my bed for an hour b4 me giving up. there's nothing on the tv, so i might as well turn on the laptop and do some blogging.

the seminar went well (refer my previous blog). quite useful. finally, there are ppl out there who understand how i feel rite now. how i hate medicine so much, how i hate meeting patient, being intrusive about their life, busy trying to think the possible diagnosis + management bla bla bla. okla, some ppl can try to understand this feeling of mine, like my frens, but they cant understand. they CANT. how can you say you know this hatred feeling if 1) you dont do medicine 2) you do medicine but you yourself are very much in love with it?

fine fine, i respect the 'friendship thingy' but dont you feel you are being dishonest? i would prefer if you say you dont know how i feel, and dont even try to understand, but say that if i dont feel happy with what i'm doing, so do something about it. that's it. full stop. dont try to give me advice, cause i dont like to have any advice from ppl who DONT/CANT understand my problem. that's why i tend to keep any problem to myself, cause i dont like to even hear any advice from ppl who i think not qualify to give any advice. it seems harsh, but go and think about it. for example yeh, if you have a problem about relationship, do you ask for advice from the ppl who 1)never have any relationship ie no experience 2) have bad reputation in relationship 3) have a happy and blissful relationship? none of the above are qualified to give any advice as they do not ie cannot understand how exactly having that kind of problem, unless if they have been in the same situation as yours. you might be tempted to ask for advice from the 3rd group of ppl above, but the chances are that they may be some fortunate couples who never have any relationship problem before, or never have THAT same problem as yours and any other possible reasons for them to NOT simply understand your problem at all. and for me, if they DO NOT, CANNOT understand your problem, i cannot even hear any advice from them. complete waste of time. for that reason too, i wont even bother telling them my problem, cause nothing can be gain from the consultation.

i know i know, from what i wrote above, to find those ppl who can understand a specific problem and thus qualify to give any advice, are quite limited. but i think this is better, than to keep rushing around, telling ppl about your problem and receives tons of advices until you dont know which one to accept. complete waste of time. might as well keep the problem yourself, try to find ppl who CAN understand your problem (if there is any) and gives precious advice, and you yourself can take your time and decide whether want to accept the 'qualified' advice or not. in my case, how can a person understand how i hate this medicine course if you yourself are very much enjoying it? i'm not blaming you for not having the same feeling as mine, believe me i'm not, but dont ask me about my problem and say you totally understand how i feel?

well, if not because of the 'friendship thingy' i would have said this to their faces, but i have not. i try to 'politely' refuse to tell them my problem and hopefully they understand (stop bugging me!). if not, then you can be like azali, who insists to know my problem (who blames him, his my bf), then i told him to shut up COMPLETELY throughout the whole 'pouring' process cause i dont want to hear any, ANY thing that he says. full stop. harsh, maybe, but as usual, he accepted this condition and didnot say A THING troughout the consultation. but that is bcos he loves me to rot (true..if not, dont think he can last this long with me hihi). but i dont think my frens can handle this. not this, it's harsh.

back to the seminar. there were 3 qualified docs and 1 med school drop-out (he said it himself). all with different stories. but they all said the same theme. they didnt like medicine and felt it horrible and painful to carry on. they didnt like seeing patient, being intrusive yada yada yada. (which are how i feel hmm..) then all their colleagues didnt seem to understand, didnt take them seriously ie they had lack of support and advices on what to do next. (which is like me hmm..) and their stories carried on. i dont want to waste this blog writing every detail stories about them, but my point is that i feel very relief for knowing that i'm not alone, i'm not a weirdo for not liking medicine, which almost every ppl like (or at least >90% of malays in ipta malaysia, yup, it's true).

and one other thing, b4 i leave, stop reminding me of the things that i'm aware of. it's ANNOYING. reminding me about mara, about my parents, about my future yada yada yada. I KNOW. I'M AWARE. but since that i dont like to hear any advice, it may take some time for me to solve this problem, but you dont need to remind me. i know i have a thick skull to penetrate all of these, but there's nothing i or you can do about it. it can even get thicker (can it? yes it can..) if you do those annoying things..

after what i have told you, i think (or more precisedly, i'm sure..) that most of my current frens will be scared or even run away. there's nothing i can do about that. i'm simple, though, to be lived with, if you stop being intrusive, and i wont bother yours. dont ask question (of course you can..logic la..you know what i mean, 'being intrusive aka busy body la tu). i've been like this, since soo long ago, but most of my frens dont realise this. cause i've never been closed to anyone. i mean close, close. like, die die together la, if you know what i mean. elina used to tell me that i'm quite ok to be a housemate and live with other ppl (i hope she meant this) that i have less 'karenah' compared to other ppl. can also ask other ppl who used to live with me like wirda, liza, laila. but hei, i dont know how honest they have been with me, but dont think i have any major problem with them. and dont think i'm a loner, like to be alone, i do like the company of frens and i have lots of frens too (but not the many-est in the world la.DAA). enuff la.

YO. panjang wei. mesti korang bosan baca. ha ha. nite everyone. oh ye, selamat hari raya aidiladha a.k.a. raya haji. maaf zahir batin pade sape2 yg terase bile baca blog ni. well, sape makan chili, die terase pedasnye. soli ya. sayonara