My World

BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG
BENGANG GILE BABI

aku dah bagitau bykkkk kali, aku tak suke org pakse2 aku, or provoke2 aku, or cabar2 aku or yg setaraf ngan nyer. if i dont want to go, it's my decision! jgn nak kacau hidup aku! lantak aa org kate aku ni individualistic ka, ANTI SOCIAL ka, pedulik ape! JGN KACAU HIDUP AKU LEH TAK?? really pissed off. dah la ajak pie makan umah org, tak consult sape2 dulu. tau2 je bile die balik keje, die expect semue org tuk pie. aku mmg tak suke org suruh2 bla bla bla. aku ckp tak mo pigie, die wat muke kate 'fine'. pastu 5 minit lagi dtg balik bilik aku ajak aku pie lagi sekali, kononnye lembut sket aa, aku mmg dah cold dah mase tu, aku kate aa aku nak exam. katekan la aku takmo study ke etc mase tu, SUKATI aku nak pie ke tak. FUCK YOU!! then die leh kate org pun ade exam gaks. part ni aku paling BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG GILE BABI sekali. aku paling paling paling pantang org ckp cam tuh. as iF macam aa aku nyer exam lebih penting dari org lain. pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang pantang nenek moyang. aku tak rase exam aku tu ade hal pun dlm hal tu, tu cume my excuse. if exam tu esok ka, 2jam lagi ke, if aku nak pie somewhere, aku pie je. aku bengang sebab die suh aku buat someting dlm mase aku. if aku nak tido ke mase tu, nak tgk tv ke, nak mati ke mase tu, pie mampos aa. aku tak rase aku susah kan org lain. if aku fail, aku yg susah + famili aku yg susah, but defnitely not them. kalau aku jatuh longkang ke, aku yg susah. if aku takdak duit pun, aku yg susah. 'tolong-menolong'? help yourself first b4 you want to help others.

AKU TAK SUKE ORG BREECH AUTONOMY AKU! IT'S MY RIGHT TO MAKE MY OWN DECISION! AKU MMG SUKE DUK BILIK AKU, WAT LA APE MENDE YG AKU SUKE. SUKATI AKU! JGN NAK PAKSE AKU WAT PE2, PIE MANE2, SUH MAKAN KE (PALING2 BENCI!). IYE! AKU MMG DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DEGIL DAN SELFISH, SO??

aku dono bout other ppl, tapi korang pernah tak rase bile ade org beriye2 nak tolong ko,tak kisah la besar ke kecik, tapi ko taknak org tolong ko? aku dono bout other ppl, but if i can do that particular thing/situation/problem, aku nak buat sendiri. if ade org nak tolong gak, no tq. cause aku akan rase helpless. rase lemah betul. cause if ko tau ko leh buat bende tu, wat pe nak susah kan org lain? ari tu aku pie open house this one senior. aku dtg sorang2. bukannye jauh sgt, but jalan kaki 10 minits gak la. tapi bukannye kat lorong2 gelap pun. semue org insist nak anta aku balik. bukan aku takmo, tapi aku rase ok je if aku jln kaki balik. mase tu kul 7pm. aku tau aku tau, crime/ malang tu tak berbau, but hey, life is full of risks, huh? if ko nak jalan kaki balik umah sendiri pun tak leh, camne ko nak face the whole life yg mmg maha mencabar? lantak aa org kate aku selfish ke ape ke, tapi aku tak mo sesekali rase aku lemah/helpless. bukan aku nak jadi org kuat ke ape, aku tau dan nak jaga diri aku sendiri. sampai bile org nak tolong ko? tu la psl aku suke shopping sorang2, or ngn pomp lain, sbb bile kuar ngn laki, nnt depa insist nak angkat kan brg tu tuk kite. hello? ko tak de tangan sendiri? ko ade kudrat sendiri tu, angkut aa sendiri. most pomp aku rase mesti tak setuju ngn aku. pie mampos la. bile org kate pomp tu makhluk yg lemah, korang marah, tapi korang yg buat sendiri.

aku tau aa pomp leh jadi mangsa rogol. laki pun leh jadi mangsa rogol. yg korang jln tempat pelik2 tu wat pe? jgn buat someting yg seolah2 memanggil org jahat. aku tau aku tau org jahat tu dimana2, ko pakai tudung litup pakai sopan pun leh kene rogol+bunuh. tu random. ORG YG MMG EVIL TU KAT NE2. semue org terdedah ngn org2 jahat. if ko jaga macammane pun, pakai elok cammane pun, percaution hebat GILE camne pun, if dah takdir tu yg ko akan jumpe org jahat tu kat mane2 pun, it will still happen.

aku tgh BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG BENGANG GILE BABI. pms? ntah. dah la ari tu ade satu mamat ni ingat aku elly wirda! panas panas. tu pun setelah chat 5 minit kot. aku tau la aku nobody kat, like mane2 pun, but toksah la humiliate aku cam tu.

FUCK ALL OF THEM!!

exam mode (ye lar tu, kononnye) - exam next week, 1, 2 and 5th dec.
need all the luck i can have

SELAMAT HARI RAYA SELAMAT HARI RAYA!
very hepi today, thank you very much. it is the best raya so far while being away from me famili. last night was such a nostalgia. there is a couple who stay in our house for two weeks as the husband waits for his graduation next week. kak maznah cooked all raya dishes all day yesterday! nasi himpit, kuah kacang, rendang daging, masa lodeh, kurma, with kak syikin making kek lapis sawarak...wahh. really in the raya mood. then at about 11pm something, there was a group of malaysian guys, frens to abang amir, came to our house to takbir!! cant believe our luck! havent actually hear takbir properly for this past 4 years. then we ate all nite. all nite...then managed to call my mum b4 went to bed. very hepi to hear her hepi voice. talked to my sister as well. then ellina told me that our picture was in berite harian on the 1st hari raya kat mesia! wahh...mizly (our fren kat mesia) told us that our picture is big and coloured. heheheh. wah hepi hepi.all of these in a nite!

woke up this morning with a big smile. can smell the rendang from my room. then i wore my baju kedah kaler dark turqoise. walked together to one of the postgrads house. ate some more (lucky i wore baju kedah...big and has lots of space ;) then went to nadine, armin and ct's house! lepak2. me closest group of frens kat newcastle. then they went to my place. and spent some time there, borak2 with ct and nadine. wat more can i ask? except if elina ade mase tu, it would be better, but she's really tired and need to have her sleep urgently.

borak2. lepak2. with my 2 favouritest ppl in newcastle (and you as well, ellina :p). wat a bless to spend my raya here in newcastle... tq nadine and ct, you made my day

i spent nearly 3 hours cooking this afternoon! from bread pudding, to nasi tomato + ayam masak merah, with kak syikin making arca sayur, and ellina + kak jua buat biskut makmur...semue jadi! so malam ni ade 4 budak pompuan yg tido kebuncitan...

btw...never been this embarassed in my whole life! it just happened about 5 minutes ago. err..pernah aa kot..but dont want to remember it :P. anyway....betul2 malu aa. really missed azali just now, but i run out of phonecard to call him kat mesia. he knew this and didnt expect me to call him until tomoro when i buy a new phonecard. neither that he expect me to buy the phonecard online nor call him in the middle of the night. i missed him so much so i did the unexpected and called him. whoa...someone unexpected picked up the phone while my first word was...guess it..'ayang'...in a you-know-what tone. DO OH. and that unexpected someone was his...dad. DO OH. total humiliation. lo and behold..there is some more...humiliation...huhuhu

chatted with nik, azali's fren at coventry just now. my housemates are mad fans of gensomaiden saiyuki (katon jepun aa) and nik is a huge collector of japanese animation. so i asked nik tu borrow his 6 dvds of GS. since nik tu jenis yg selamba, i thought of telling him 'that' story. DO OH. then he said the same thing used to happen to shahril (another coventrian guy). DO OH??. nik told me that i rang azali, but he was somewhere else, so shahril picked the phone up instead. the same thing happened. if not worse. shahril was shocked, he put the phone down, and needed to put it under a pillow when i tried to call azali's phone several times after that. DO OH. and he told everyone. or what nik had said 'member2'. TOTAL ULTIMATE FUNDEMENTAL DECISIVE CRITICAL OVER-THE-ROOF HUMILIATION. should i known it earlier i would not put a foot on the coventry land again. ever.

me. so. so. embarassed. want. to. dig. a. hole. and. put. me. head. inside.

OMG wot hapen to today's weather? really really gloomy, cloudy, and...grey. it's 1.38 in the afternoon but the temp is 2 degrees outside! ......

woke up late today, almost miss the final Rugby World Cup match! the game's between England and Australia started at 9am, but i woke up at 10.51! mmg actually dah supposed to abis, luckily they got seri 14 all and needed to have extra time match for 20 minutes. whoa... both players looked really tired. Australian had the brawn, but i think the English have better tactics and a little bit more luck. the first extra time (ie first 10 minutes) the English managed to get a penalty and Jonny Wilkinson had increased the total point to 17. Jonny Wilkinson is soooooo damn good! not only he got a cute face, muscular body, but he also got brains (lawyer woo...wah..cair). my new hero...anyway, on the 2nd half of the extra time, and minute18 to be precised, the Australian got a penalty and managed to level the points to 17 all. oh noo...we got only 2 minutes to settle this or else they will have sudden death (dono wot it is, just heard the commentator said). then whoa...here comes Wilkinson, scoring a goal at the last essential final minutes (or i might say, seconds). England has won the Rugby World Cup with 20-17 score against former world champion, Australia.

since when did i support England team? dono. since when did i watch rugby? dono. since when did i become a commentator? dono. i do know i am a sport-event freak (thanx to azali and my dad). snooker, football, F1, athletics and now rugby, any sport will do. a new interest of mine

happy happy. bungkusan kuih raya dah sampai! percaya tak if aku kate ni first kuih raya dari mesia for this past 4 years? my famili is too lazyy to post kuih raya to me, so this year i beg azali to post it to me instead! muarhehehe. sian azali, dah la tak keje lagi, aku plak mintak macam2. saje je tu. bile lagi nak ngada2 heheh. pastu, bagai pucuk dicita ulam mendatang (betul ke ni huh? tak sia2 bm spm dpt a1 heheh. aplikasi bahasa melayu sebenar kawan2), famili aku pun anta gaks! muarhehehe. maybe tu sampai tomoro. looking forward for tomoro!

besides that, nothing huh. woke up, forcing meself to study. then went sleepy, pastu tido lagi! mueheheh. uneventful day

a bit annoyed. it happens everytime. every ppl think living/studying abroad is VEEERRRYYY good. they adore you. they admire you. bosan bosan. ingat bagus sgt ke duk oversea? I DONT THINK SO. if only, if only i can turn back time, i would prefer to stay kat malaysia. full stop.

if you chat, ppl on the other side tend to ask. well, sape suh chat at the first place, tapi every now and then bosan gak with msn/yahoo messenger (frens always bz/away/etc), i just want to borak2 kosong. so pie aa irc. they ask you. then they dont believe you. fine with me, but hate being labelled penipu. and they ask and ask again. took a while for them to believe (doesnt matter to me whether they believe it or not...just want to chat!) and then batak sakan. ask tu la ask ni la. phrase paling benci: 'mesti bestkan study/duk sane'. bla bla bla. my main reason to chat is to borak2 kosong. be a normal person. chat with a stranger tend to make me forget how misrable my life can be sometimes. then there are some ppl who adores my course..lagi sakit ati! anyone yg suke sgt medic tu...amik la...AMIK la! would be more than hepi to change with anyone. and there will be some ppl yg jeles la etc etc. and the list goes on...

be grateful for what you have.

what did i do? kene aa tipu. change your location (but the irc's ip no show your exact location). change your course. then kantoi la plak. 'study kat ne? mesia. kat ne? itm. amik ape? errr...bla bla bla. should i stop irc-ing?

ps: just watch Love Actually. best gile!! i recommend it to everyone. sweet sweet. make me smile all way back home...

bosan bosan bosan
malaih nyer nak belaja
maybe dlm gene aku kot. hmm...ayah aku tu leh tahan workaholic gak, though die tak ngaku. he's 50 this year, tapi masih kuat keje, kuat motivasi nak buat keje, very dedicated. die jenis yg tak leh duk diam. though die sibuk sgt keje, tapi still ade mase buat hobi die. die ni suke meng-kodi bende2 buruk. dari aku kecik lagi, die suke beli 2nd (or 3rd/4th etc) motor la, kete la, pastu simpan belakang umah, pastu abis keje pun, die akan spend hours kat 'bengkel' die tu, buat la pe2 yg patut. pastu bile kenderaan tu dah leh jalan, dah cat everything la, die jual balik. bukan nak pakai. then, lepas jual (tak untung pun), die akan beli bende buruk yg lain, kodi meng-kodi la die dgn gumbiranye. skrg die ade satu wolksagen (kat kuantan), dan satu kete mini (kat ampang). since we all ade 2 umah kan, tu la psl die nak 2 bende tu. my mum nyer bebelan dah tak mkn. tapi tu la my dad. he's very creative and innovative gaks. tiap2 kali aku balik sekolah ke, asrama ke, dari uk ke, die akan bagitau aku 'plan2' die. skrg ni die tgh nak buat 'almari pengering baju'. siap ngn pelan, graphic, budget, everything la. dulu seingat aku la, die pernah ade idea nak buat pengopek durian automatic, garlic nyer mesin, dah yg paling besar ialah something about speedboat, tapi aku tak pasti. tapi oleh kerana die sgt sibuk, byk2 idea ni tersangkut kat tgh jalan, though kdg2 aku nampak ok gak. tak cukup kete2 dan idea2 die tu, die skrg ade kedai golf gak. die kate bosan sgt tak tau nak buat pe kdg2 tu (aku rase ayah aku tak tau ape itu katil, bantal, tv etc hihi). kedai golf die tu kecik je, kat satu kelab golf kat kuantan ni. selain jual brg2 golf, die akan amik tempahan tuk tukar handle batang golf tu. sape yg tau main golf tau aa bende ni. suke betul la die buat bende2 ni. kesimpulannye (fuh finally) die mmg rajin la. so, aku tak rase kemalasan aku ni dtg dari die...

me mum. hmm...cant say much about how she did her work sbb die housewife. tapi my dad pernah kate mase mude2 dulu die rajin. leh amik tempahan msk, anything la. tapi skrg die dah 48, this year, then anak2 semue dah besar, so die duk umah je la. tapi die tak de lar malas cam aku ni. die buat aa gak keje every now and then, ikut kemampuan die aa. dah aa last couple of years die ade operation, so takleh buat keje berat2 sgt.

so, the question of where does my LAZINESS come from? hmm...maybe from my dad's big famili. aku rase depa leh tahan malas gaks (pandai2 je! hihi). oklah..kesimpulannye...tak yah ler nak blame sape2 if ko tu malas...if malas sgt tu..blame yourself..ahaks

hahah sakit kapala. blur sungguh. tu aa..bgn lambat. semalam tido lambat. kul 3. bukan studi ye makcik ct, tapi buat blog ni huh. but worth it aa. ultimate satisfaction (er..of course la after upacara pembunuhan penuh tragis kaum slugs MUARHAHAHA). anyway, then bangun kul 4.45 sahur + a few things that i have to do. then study sat, mata dah berputar2. kul 6.30 dah padam balik. then sakit kapala bgn kul 12. adoi. me kind of ppl yg tak leh bgn lambat sgt. the latest 10. pastu if tido balik tappe. adoi. blank blank.

got disturbed into something. have you ever got a feeling that someone hates you so much? someone yg langsung tak nak cross your path, if leh bayang ko pun die taknak jumpe. err...i used to hate someone so much that i used to shout, lompat2, sepak2, shaking2 gile, sorang2 aa kat bilik, whenever i meet her. but it only lasted for a year, the most, then okla, time heals, aku dan die pun hanye manusia biase yg tak sempurna. skrg leh la jumpe die, borak2 sat2, not more that 5-10 minits.

but i believe that there is someone out there who doesnt like me at all, for this past 6 years. 6 years, lame tu...hmm...ape la yg dah aku buat. hebat tul impactnye sampai 6 tahun. sampai skrg. there was guy, who knew that i liked him. used to be classmates for form4, form5. but biasela, takde sape suke kat aku (azali..hmm...he's from another planet). this guy liked another girl, who was our classmates too. takpe aa. sedey gak mase tu, but hey, LIFE GOES ON. lu tak suke gua, fine la. life goes on. then, there were other events as well (ayo..classmates for 2 years..myk la bende happened kan). we were in the same bwp bureau as well etc (haha..sport bureau with budi, my classmates gak, ngn tie, yan, me and that guy..fuyo..me..sporty..?). ntah la. thought dah settle. 0-0. then a few years later, tgh discuss2 kat irc between ex-classmates la ni, nak plan buat gathering. i was so hepi at that time, dpt chat ngn ex-classmates. chatted ngn semue org, tapi bile tried to chat with him, die terus log-off. WTH? then a few years later, pie unitel kat melaka. jumpe ramai org. somebody told me he was there, but no where to be seen! he was there, like 5 minit ago. dono. and there were other things as well. chatted with mu'azzah just now, my ex-classmates as well, and knew that guy pretty well also. mu' ckp that guy taknak ckp ngn aku langsung sbb rase aku still nak kat die lagi. HELLO? THAT WAS 6 DAMN FUCKING YEARS AGO? DOES HE KNOW BOUT THE PHRASE 'LIFE GOES ON'?? lepas die, aku minat byk org2 lain, laki ade, pomp pun ade (heheh). tara hal nyer. i dont care/mind if he doesnt like to talk to me because i'm a bad person etc, but the thought of me still having those feeling for him? THAT IS SICK!! marah gile.

but since nak raya kan, aku nak aa settle. i admit i made a few silly mistakes in the past, i apologize. to azam503, aku sori bebyk atas semue bende, hope we can be in speaking term again. that was 6 years ago, you and i know we'd changed to a different person now. a better new person. selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin.

wah..rase best sgt2 skrg ni. very2 excited! iyela, baru belaja + practise template, html etc. pastu jadi plak tu. mule2 nak try2 gitu2 je, then jadi plak tu, encourage me to do more and more. pastu tanye elina psl font + color kat coding, pastu semue jadi plak tu...wahh...besh besh!

i thank the creator of computers. bless them

how to describe my feeling now.. excited + anxious + euthusiastic!

an uneventful day.
woke up late, went to shower, then went to books. books books books. study. not too much though. havent finished cvs. my mistake to start with a long topic. sigh

alo alo
kali ni i was moved by ellina's topic in her blog. tappe yer elina..hihi. ready guys..ready ngn muntah ijau korang heheh

azali. die suke wat lawak. sakit perut tahan ketawa when he's around. mostly lawak spontan, sometimes tu lawak gile3 bodo..but i like it hihi

and azali pun terer kompter. really admire ppl yg terer kompter, dont ask why. my preference. whenever he's doing his computing skill, anything la..waahh..rase besh. besh besh. sengih sampai telinga heheh

my feeling dtg lambat gile. 3 years! it started with a smile. whenever i see him, i just smile. a nice and comfort feeling inside you. then i smile wider. (hihi..tgh sengih lebar gile skrg ni whenever i think of him). after several months, i feel my face warm. the warmth then gradually moves downwards, and finally it reaches my heart. a warmth feeling which is really comforting, soothing and delighting. it's a mixed feeling, but i know it feels great. ingat dulu everytime nak jumpe die, kene naik train. whether he's going north to newcastle or i'm going down to coventry. 5 hours ++. then i'll wait either inside the train or at the central station. the last 5 minutes tu berdebar2. dono why. anxious, happy, eager and a bit shy as well. then i see his face. start to smile, and the process begins. the warmth remains until i send him back (or he send me back) at the train station. sedey sat. but there is always some warmth. a tiny winy warmth is enuff. although i havent met him for 2 months and 27 days today, the warmth is still there. he's close to me.

i dedicate this blog to azali. thank you azali, for all the love, support, care and everything you gave me... you still do. you made my day. love you

ha. ha. ha.
numb. empty. hole. zero.
wanted to upgrade and improve my blog. but dono how to do it. tried everything. useless. it's a fact i'm no good at this thing. very frustated. a while ago i was very euthusiastic bout templates, html etc. but i was stucked. frustated. maybe should blame it on cadbury's cocha mocha. bcause of the caffeine. it tends to make me 'hyper' and over-do something that i know i'm not any good at. and i'm not supposed to do this! exam 2 weeks agi makcik...

but the euthusiasm is still there. i always fascinate computers. bout how it works, all the programmes, even the physical appearance always give me 'walamak...caya gaban woo' feeling. at the same time i feel it's distant and full of mystery. something that i know i cant be good at, becauce it's too....damn intelligent. i guess that's why i respect and adore ppl who are good at computers. one reason i like azali (other reason ada gaks aa haha).

ayoyo. frust frust. sigh. talked to azali just now. thought he would understand me. only too much. he already know the answer. the only thing that prevent me from grasping this computer thingy is that i already set my mind on how hard it is. 'maner der susah sgt...tapir pun leh buat'. it is too hard for me, and i dont think i can learn it, not in million years. easy for him to say...though i know it's true. but still think it's too hard for me. always and always think it's too much for my mind to accept. fact.

then sigh again. susah aa if you want to change a fact. or i find it hard to change a fact. a fact will always be a fact. the fact that some ppl are good in something and some ppl are not. it's in the statistic. the fact that i'll always be at the other side of the spectrum is kinda hard to change. azali told me to learn the basic, there're lots of website about learning templates, html bla bla bla. he even told me to find his old Dreamweaver cd that he left me. he told me Dreamweaver is very easy, has it's own ready-made template etc. think i would believe him? nope. easy for him. not for me

degil nyer otak aku ni. fact.

should i learn or should i stick to the old one?

1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the
one who is, won't make you cry.

2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way
you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love
you with all they have.

3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your
hand and touches your heart.

4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting
right beside them knowing you can't have them.

5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because
you never know who is falling in love with your
smile.

6. To the world you may be one person, but to one
person you may be the world.

7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who
isn't willing to waste their time on you.

8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before meeting the right one, so that when we
finally meet the person, we will know how to be
grateful.

9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it
happened.

10. There's always going to be people that hurt
you so what you have to do is keep on trusting
and just be more careful about who you trust next
time around.

11. Make yourself a better person and know who
you are before you try and know someone else and
expect them to know you.

12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when
you least expect them to.

a cold friday morning
study study study. so far so good, kot. lom tekan minyak sgt. cause i dont want to gelabah cepat2. need to control my adrenaline level...cool down a little bit..sayang my jantung

suke pie wirda nyer blog. she writes honestly.

never like romance/love book. never actually finish one. it's ILLOGICAL. real world will not be like that. not even a pinch. i'm a kind of person who always berpijak di bumi yg nyata. keep real. keep logic. LOGIC LOGIC LOGIC. i believe the statistic..yup, the bell shape distribution..i truly believe. dont think i believe in miracle. what you give is what you get back. and i know what i want. life is short, and i dont want to waste it in Dilemmas. it's a waste to spend time deciding. once you decide, there's no looking back. eat, live and die for your decision, as a loser is someone who regrets his decision.

tough huh? easy say than done. well, that's me. though lately i keep on losing it. start to regret. passivity. negativity. more yang than yin. my body cant seem to cope, but my mind says cope cope cope. my mind said eat, live and die for your decision, but my body's too fed up with all the orders from the mind. my mind controls my body for this past 23 years. i respect my mind more than i respect my body. and i really really hate my body. dono. dono. it was sad. my caunsellor once asked me why did i hate my body? dono. then she asked me, if my future daughter has the same face and body physical as me, what will i feel? what will i say to her? i went numb. I FEEL SORRY FOR HER. that was my answer. an honest answer. i wouldnt lie to her.

my life's complicated. as a believer in statistic, i believe other ppl's life are too. except for the extreme 5% at both end of the bell shape. my aim in life is to be in the 6-94% of the normal distribuation. be as normal as can be, with both feet firm on the ground. keep real

alo alo
another day to go through. as if i'm already bored to live my life? bet i am. though it's not nice to say such thing. but what the hell..i can say/write whatever i want. la la la

went to see the caunsellor this morning. again. sigh. bile la berenti jumpe die. donno. have another appointment in 2 weeks time. sigh. no.. i do feel relief whenever i met her. she always give good advice. a good listener as well. but the thought that i'm having a routine appointment to see a caunsellor...not a good thing to hear. true true.

afternoon seminar've been cancelled. sort of. another ethics seminar. 2 hours. actually this morning 've already decided to go to that seminar, but then most of my groupmates cant be bothered to go. dont want to be the nerd one. hence change my mind. the seminar is not actually cancelled. 2-4pm.

me and my boring life

alo alo alo
nothing much happen today. biase aa..woke up at 8.00am, gosok gigi, pakai baju, sikat rambut, kemas beg, pakai lipstick, then pakai coat, stokin, then jalan kaki pie sekolah. aku jalan lambat, so 25 minits baru sampai. not bad. light exercise every morning. really useful. esp when the doc said that the adrenaline level is high in my blood, so she advised to do more physical exercise. cant afford to go to gym, so leh la tu jalan kaki pie sekolah every morning. ooo...high adrenaline level tu aa yg buat aku cuak selame ni. hormone for the fight or flight situation. okla lately ni, takde aa rase palpitation sgt aka rase mcm jantung ko nak meletup bile2 mase, less shaking, less tremor. i think i can do this. i think i can do this. i mean i think i can carry on with this high-expectation/demand etc course. i think i can carry on this life.

balik sekolah, ngntuk. tido sat. bangun2 je, lagi 15 minits nak buke posa. okla kan hihi. msk mee goreng. termasin. obvious sgt nak kawen. ckp psl kawen, tadi pie frenster sat. nampak fatin dan hafiz/lisa kawin. omg, really2 nak kawin. huhu. bukan ari tu just promised myself dah taknak tgk gambar org kawin ke? huhu. ckp ngn azali..die tak layan. then gile2 bad mood. gile2 babi. i know i'm not supposed to tell this to anyone, lebih2 lagi tulih kat blog. tapi pedulik ape. dont think anyone baca pun blog ni. bengang. malu. azali selalu mcm tu. tak pernah suke ckp psl famili la, kawin la, or anything future. i know it's not appropriate sometimes, cause it's way far in the future, but hey..i'm a typical girl who wants assurance. i want security. it's not like i want to do it now NOW, but just to have the thought and share it with someone. bla bla bla. azali selalu mcm tu. i know he's serious enuff with me, but i guees i need more than that. i need assurance. i need to know that it's not just a dream...thought i can say/talk anything with him, but no, i cant. some things are better left inside.............

ade hati nak buat tagboard, dah register dah pun, dah dpt template, tapi taktau nak letak kat ner? HA HA. kene aa tanye wirda or azali la nampaknye. satu bende psl azali yg aku suke (hihi..iklan sket hoho), die cepat paham ngn ape yg aku tanye. kekwn aku selalu kate aku ni ckp pusing2, aku mmg ade masalah tuk describe someting or sampaikan any msg, apparently aku ckp CEPAT sgt, sbb otak aku is faster compared to my speech ability (ni aku agak aa). so anytime aku ade masalah, anything aa...aku susah tul nak suh org paham. most ppl makan mase tuk paham ape yg aku tak paham. got wot i mean? tapikan...if ckp azali...magic...die terus jawab soalan aku tu ngn tepat sekali. aku tanye sekali je, die jawab pertanyaan aku ngn tepat sekali haha. contohnye macam aku tak paham psl template ari tu, spl gambar background etc etc. aku tanye wirda. wirda mmg gaban psl komp2 ni, tu mmg aku tak nafikan, tapi die keep on giving me wrong answer. tak tak...jawapan die betul, tapi aku tak paham mende lain, die jawab bende lain. pastu aku tanye azali...fuh..tu kat phone je..die terus paham ape yg aku tak paham. sori wirda, bukan salah ko, cume aku nyer bahasa ni kekadang aku sendiri pun tak paham. hope lain kali if aku tanye ko psl komp, ko tak kisah..hihi

finally dah tgk matrix. it SUXX!! for a person who really like previous matrix(s) and never give bad review about that 2 previous movies, ni maknenye matrix 3 mmg sux la. first 1/3 okla..dragging, but still ok, 2nd 1/3 best gile,fight fight fight, kill kill kill, die die die. then finale 1/3....mak aaii...graph aku jatuh gile babi..what an ending. frust gile babi. babi yg gile pun tak frust cam aku frust. huh. for anybody yg tak tgk matrix3 lagi...sory aa. it's just a personal view. i used to be matrix no 1 fan, so i think my view leh pakai gak (i think). ha ha

lately ni asyik penat je. penat sgt2. rase cam pomp pregnant plak. (cam aku pernah pregnant..though i wish sgt2 nak pregnant skrg ni!! lol). semlm tido awai gile, 10.30 dah babai dunia dah. ari ni pun penat sgt. tapi kene pie session petang gak. semlm aku decide tuk tak pie session petang, tgk matrix instead (HAHA), so today i really think i need to go for the afternoon session (though i dont want to go, again).

tetibe rase taknak tulih pe2 lagi. otak aku mmg selalu cam ni, die leh tukar TETIBE je. kdg2 mase aku tgh ckp2 pun, suddenly aku dah tak nak ckp lagi. so..bye bye

ngantuk ngantuk..langsung takle nak concentrate. should i stay or should i go? wa...ngantuknye..

pie blog wirda tadik..pastu pie aa blog kirah. sedey...tetibe berkaca2 mata ni tadi while kat komp lab ni. sejak 2,3 months lepas ni..dono la wot happen, tapi senang gile nangis. wirda, you know me huh, i'm not crying crying type of person kan? ayoyo..ni semue sejak pie counselling sessions tu aa. feel more, think less. the result: become more emotional. ari tu tgk ballet kat tv pun leh nangis teresak2. dono la wot happen..

back to cite tadi, takziah aku ucapkan. though aku tak kenai depa (though aku kenai ijat), tapi aku turut tumpang sedey. alfatihah..sedey sedey..

tanak tulih pe2 lagi

ish..tak caya tak caya...tak tgk matrix 3 lagi..maybe nak tgk tomoro..ha ha..skip afternoon session..colposcopy..who want to see other ppl's vaginas all afternoon? not me for sure. enuff vaginas for 3 weeks...

ayoyo..2000 words essay on other ppl vaginas?? too lazy to write. cant even bothered. had wrote 600 words and i'm stuck rite now.

a fairly not-so-good day. had waited to talk to azali since morning but he was busy putting the tv aerial la, change the car's cushion covers la etc etc. excuses. sampai tertido2 tunggu die call balik. tunggu sampai 3.15ptg die tak call..siap aa. pastu saya aa kene call...pastu..history. bengang bengang.

then lepas tepon...pk pk balik. pomp mmg byk sgt pk. nyesal la plak. sian die. he was trying hard laa gak tadi. me biasela.. never accept any excuse bile bengang. buruk perangai tul la.nak call die balik, ego.if tak call, asyik teringat2 kekejaman tadi. haha. still donno how and why azali leh tahan...sometimes pk nyer pk nyer pk...think he deserves someone better. i am a very individualistic and independent person. took me 3 damn years to accept him. and that 3 years..caye la..i was mean, cruel, kurang ajar bla bla. azali tu takde la bagus sgt, tapi for sure die baik aa.. i bet my beloved tv yg die mmg baik ati...
l
a la la..better sambung buat essay psl vagina org...

adoi..
was VERY excited an hour ago when wirda taught me about templates, links etc for this blog. azali used to tell me about this webbies thingy, but never actually experience it myself since i got him to do it for me instead. but when i am on my own now to build this blog...it was VERY excited to actually get involve and do it yourself. was quite hyper and everything excited to do it myself since i now know a tiny winy about this thing.

then i made a mistake by taking a supper. blame it to my housemates esp elina haha. when your stomach is full and it's 11.52 pm and you just want to start doing something new and difficult and computer is your weakest subject...then it's not so good la. start to get tired. then bored. then annoyed. with all the time spent. last last..tada pa2. cume manage to change the title's colours and font. ha ha

such a wasteful day. doing nothing. NOTHING. not even mandi. manage to cook lontong, siap ngn nasi impit, though...
miss azali. a lot. donno why. i am not like this. honestly. the phone bill will surely give me headache next month...

elly

got this from wirda's
suke gile buat bende2 nih...aku amik yer wirda..


1. First Name: Ellyana
2. Were you named after anyone? not directly, but my sis's Ellysa, and they first thought i was a boy, and didnt prepare a girl name, hence...
3. Do you wish on stars?: Yup
4. Which finger(s) is/are your favorite? : ring finger kot
5. When did you last cry? no


6. Do you like your handwriting? nope...it keeps changing..donno y
7. What is your favorite meat: anything will do (jgn pork aa)
8. Any bad habits? tonyoh mata..takde eyelashes skrg (tipu aa)
9. What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf? dono
10. If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you? : think so


11. Are you a daredevil? sometimes
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? nope..i hope i'm not
13. Do looks matter? YES
14. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid? : 'jikalau, walaubagaimana, hatta'....
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? : Nope


16. Do fish have feelings? if they're alive, yes
17. Are you trendy?: trying..dono wot other ppl think
18. How do you release anger? : shut myself in the room, with loud music
19. Where are your second homes? kuantan


21. What was your favorite toy as a child?: cabbage patch kid doll
22. What class in school do you think is totally useless? : ethics
24. Have you ever been on radio or television? : nope
25. Do u keep a journal?: Yes


26. Do you use sarcasm a lot? : sometimes..depends on my mood
27. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? ??
28. What do you look for in a guy/girl? : smart, funny, honest
29. What are your nicknames? : elly, nina, kinot
30. Would you bungee? nooo


31. Do you un-tie your shoes when you take them off? : Nope
32. What are you worried about right now: final exam in 3 weeks time
33. Do you ever wear overalls? : dulu mase kecik2
35. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? : chocolate


37. What is your least fav. thing in the world? : driving!!!
38. How many wisdom teeth do you have? : only one
39. Are you in love with anyone? aha
40. How many people have a crush on you right now?: none


41. What do you miss most right now? : lontong...

alo alo
malasnye ari ni. one whole day lectures about ethics. ethics?? ethics!! bored like hell. no right answer bla bla bla just talking shit bla bla bla. and a register will be taken for attending the seminar. wot the f***!?? never mind. since its ramadhan, might as well control my language and be polite-r. ha ha.
was quite disturbed last night. seen this one wedding from a camcorder, recorded last summer. it's not like i was jealous or dengki etc, but just...disturbed. such a nice (and grand!)wedding, happy faces, pretty hantarans, not to mention the GOLD pelamin. not that i prefer grand or gold wedding, but the thought of having such a happy event, with loved ones...it did disturbed me. sampai ngigau2 last nite. it's not like i'm desperately wanted to get married, but as i mentioned b4, the thought of having such a happy event, with your loved one, families and frens, is making me...sad...as i cant possibly have that right now. need to wait. 2 more damn years. 2 more damn fucking suffering years.
ha ha..azali will be working for my dad at kuantan, very very soon. dont know whether it's a good or bad idea. will write more about that later....ha ha

elly

la la la
this is my 3rd attempt to have what you guys said as 'personal diary on the net'.
1st one was a disaster. 2nd one was quite ok, actually loving it, but it was so hard to update the blog (lebih2 if 90% of it is somebody else's work, and that somebody already moved away from you, hence i donno how to do it now)
la la la. just finish my session for today. ponteng a seminar, which just started 5 minutes ago. tada mood..as usual. actually kat meds school sekrg, on the thursday afternoon. self-directed learning session for the afternoon aka free aa tu. ingat nak pie town, maybe watch matrix3, but just promised my housemates that we're going to watch it together this saturday.
money money money. too scared to overspend. waiting for the electric + gas bill to come in 10 days. it's a 3 months bill...scary. donno how much i need to pay.
oklah, need to go back. tak posa..ha ha...want to go back and eat.
la la la. trying to cheer myself...again

elly