6/04/2005 03:26:00 PM 0 Comments »
too malas to blog lately

enthusiasm = -1000

felt like if there were raining gold, or if someone to put a pistol at my head, i wouldnt care less. motivation = -10000..

semangat nk belaja tu ade, but if zero motivation, takle wat pe2 aa

anyway, since i want (to try) to be in control of my life, lets just brighten things up eh

got an email a few days ago from an unknown guy. his email was short, he said he typed 'bengang' at yahoo search engine and my blog was among the first that came up. it was an 2003 entry. funny doh..

received some good and bad news from friends lately. those who happily wed, got a newborn, br abis exam, pass exam, start summer hols, going back to malaysia, br beli ipod etc etc.. congrates. those who putus tunang, had a difficult delivery, didnt pass exams, has financial difficulties, panic attack, rindu sama pakwa etc etc... take care and i wish the very best of luck. i'm very worried for someone at the moment. feel like i want to fly to see her now and be there for her.

went to glasgow last weekend. of course it was a blast, but i'm not in a mood to write the detail. i was soo happy there, i couldnt stop talking and smiling. fine, fine, i just jot down a few things that i did there. met ellina, oja and yunie on saturday (yeeha!). went to lemon tree for lunch, it was good food, murah gak. then on sunday we went to livingston (yeeha2x!). me bought a few things and managed to not overspend (yeeha3x!). then jalan2 glasgow. went to an indian restaurant that nite with emelyn and mq, me not a big fan of indian food, but the food was wayy better than salam bombay, plus with such good companies, me soo happy (+buncit haha). went to peckhams yg sgt hebat that nite and bought all-so-heaven choco cake there. the next day we went to the magnificent wagamama (huga huga!) and that was the peak of my trip. and oh, just 1/2hour before my train is due, we went to peckhams again and i bought 2 oreo cheese cakes (yeeha4x!). so overall, i managed to fulfill my objectives in glasgow:
  • meet oja, yunie, ellina, mq and emelyn
  • eat at the magnificent wagamama
  • buy levis jeans at livingston
  • peckhams

so, oklah kan? la la la

i'm slightly towards the positive mood (aka happy aa) but my motivation is still zero. it's nothing that you and i can do. i'm not depressed..hmm..let me think..i'm kinda worried tho..

  • july exams. i'm not too worried tho at the mo, but i had panic attacks more frequent now
  • visa. pain in the ass. i heard that we have to pay 300pounds ++ now to get a visa. worry worry.. my visa ends this sept..worry worry
  • mara. since i cant get a new visa without my scholarship which ends this july which is next month, which cannot be renewed if i fail the july exams etc etc no wonder my head is all over the place lately.
  • finance. scholarship ends this july and it will take at least 3-4 months to renew it and i dont want to think too much. sakit kapala.
  • family. they are fine, except that my mum has the tendency to keep me inform of, er, everything that happen in the family. umah baru dok siap2 lagi, jiman's wedding, my sis's office problems bla bla. sakit kapala. i'm thankful tho to be kept inform, but my head is getting heavier each day
  • monyet. his problem is my problem too. and vice versa. luckily he has a pair of good ears and he uses it well. and it is made of iron too, thankfully
  • coursework. i used to like obs & gynae but no one likes assessment right? next wednesday i have to be with this one consultant in a so far far away hexham hosp, spend 1 whole day with her and prepare to be assessed anytime, anywhere, anything. fine fine got it got it
  • people surround me. of course i care for what people think about me. except that i tend to prefer the negative side and put the blame to myself. i think it's more towards being paranoid since no one knows the truth. well dont think it's worth to pour down my thoughts, like, again. it even bores me. just that i discover that i am getting weirder and weirder each day. i bet people around me think that way too

no wonder you have zero motivation, said monyet last night. well, i dont know, i wish i can control my own level of motivation. you think way too much, you worry too much, monyet said. iyeke.

anyway, today i managed to finish my case report. good. now i can read up my obs&gynae notes for next week assessment.

things to do next (+ next week plan)

  • study obs & gynae
  • go to student union and ask about national insurance number. think better ask yus first. he knows stuff
  • appointment with gp. malas doh. but i have too. whatever
  • call my continuity patient in wallsend for our last meeting. tuesday afternoon i'll have a discussion with my course gp about this continuity patient whom i saw since oct last year. dont forget to type and print the notes
  • send ellina's baju kurung on monday. she wants to wear it for glasgow's malaysian nite sometime this month
  • get abah's and kak lysa's besday cards. this can be delayed. they'll understand. but i do hope to send their cards on time this year. asyik lupe anta card..4 tahun turut2 doh..
  • email mara, ask them for some advice regarding visa

dont think i'm able to go back to malaysia this summer. lots and lots of things to settle. but i always go back home during summer. never miss once. well, there is always the first time.

sigh. too much hassle. dont let me start. i wish i can just drop everything and leave. avoidance IS my way..so not good, i know. i just hate hassle. think too much, worry too much..that IS my way..sedih sedih