mind wandering..

6/23/2005 11:47:00 PM 3 Comments »
mode: malas. i rephrase: super malas. cant seem to bother with anything. life's so bored. i am bored.

weather has been misrably super hot since weekend. me dont like hot. panas gile. have to put sun block everyday. have to bring sunblock and a hat everyday. panas gile. bet next month gonna be hotter. i dont want to get darker. as if i am not. like i'm gonna bother.

i'm getting more and more fickle minded each day. i cant seem to make any, i mean, ANY decision at all nowadays. i have to pause a while and my mind then work non-stop thinking about ALL the possibilities if i do A, or B, or C and so on. even super simple stuff like what to cook for dinner seems hard work for me. i cant seem to make any decision. and i'm supposed to not to bother with anything. huh yeah rite.

so, i didnt eat anything for dinner today as i cant seem to make up my mind on things that i want to eat. stupid or what.

you can say i'm not in the best of mood. blame it on the weather.

i'm bloody bored. nobody's at home. the one's at home is currently sick. lagipun dont think dia wanna hang out with me. me and my fickle mindedness. me and my psychoticness. me and my bipolarness. am i not supposed to like to spend time with myself? i usually go shopping alone, wandering in town alone, cooks alone etc etc. and now when everybody had gone home, and me missing their company? altho i dont hang out with them often, but i do like their presence. it's nice to know someone is at home. it's glad to know someone is in the kitchen, or in the bathroom. it's good to know someone's there, and that they know that i'm here, that i exist in this world. sometimes i do question about my own existence, dont ask me why, it just part of my complicatedness i guess. so now when i'm home alone, the question pops up again; do i exist or is it just a memory? what if it's all in my mind? that i'm actually somewhere else, like being in a coma and all of these are just inside my mind? or like in matrix, that it's all part of a programme? or what if i'm actually in a mental institute and all of these are just a fantasy in my mind? has anyone out there ever thought this way? or am i just a freak?

see, before i know, it happens.

think i should stop now before i confuse you (and me) more. summer sale has started. and i just received my gaji yesterday and of course i want to spend some of it as i deserve it haha. ok ok i went to eldon sq this afternoon but i didnt buy anything. which is good of me :). i didnt expect to receive my gaji yesterday (i thought it's next week) and since it's my OWN money i deserve to do what i want with it. tak kacau saving punye. why do i have to reason myself? cos i dont want some assholes out there to question my spending, duit government la, duit saving la, it's my OWN money and you dont have the right to say anything ha ha


Chip Nelson said...

You nailed it kid! Boredom is the great evil for those of us who see it for what it is. As I write this all my family are gone and nobody is due back until late Sunday, I'm blasting the talking Heads over the speakers but even this makes the silence of being alone louder. We kid ourselves. We think we are perfectly capable of being alone, sometimes we crave it, we delude ourselves.

You are in the UK, I'm in rural South Carolina and by the looks of your picture, I'm twice your age and yet we both fight this enemy, boredom.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with either of us, we are just more aware and not simpletons.

Take heart.

Lotus said...

Makcik! Gua suda passed gua punya exam. Sgt gumbira (altho lepas ni byk ler urusan yang perlu dibuat)

DeLiRiuM said...

Don't worry, we'll be back soon!