My World

..how fast time flows eh...and it's monday tomorrow. had a nice weekend, a relaxing one. i didnt do much, especially today when i know i have an extra hour to spare, as they begin to change to winter time. talked to my dear jiman and kak lysa this afternoon, it was good to talk to them. jiman is such a good brother, he never fail sending me kad raya + small presents every year. i am the closest to him after my mum, i know he looks up at me. kak lysa said that i was the only one in our siblings who can live together with jiman without getting to each other's nerves. maybe it was because we grew up together, went to school together or maybe because we are both Leos. dono, maybe we are just compatible.

everytime b4 my menstrual period, my emotion become unstable, ie pms la. sometimes i get annoyed so easily, the other time i get so riang gembire tak tentu pasal, and sometimes i just want to be left alone and dont want to talk to anyone. and sometimes i get too excessively emotional. that is what exactly happen to me right now. i was listening to lionel richie's Still when suddenly i burst into tears (...). i was doing my weekly food shopping the other day in Tesco and saw a bottle of milk and remembered kak lysa who really like milk and i got tears in my eyes. being in Tesco alone made me sad too, as me and azali tend to go shopping at Tesco in coventry. one simple thing leads to other events and so on and b4 i could control it, it happen. i dont know, i suddenly feel soo sad, i can even feel as if my chest remuk to thousand pieces, more or less like that lah. same thing happen to me whenever, wherever i see any old people. i just want to help them in any possible way. mind you, i didnt view them as those who need my help, but i just care about them soo much. overflowing emotion, i might say..

i always have a soft spot towards old people. i mean really old people, like 60++ in age. i dont know why, but they are the first group of strangers who i really care, genuinely (remember my 'i dont care, i dont want to care' blog? haha). one thing i like in medicine is that most of the patients are old people. i dont know, i just care about them. i can speak to them for hours, hear their stories and smile to them from the bottom of my heart. from their silver hair, nice rimmed glasses to their fluffy bedroom slippers, i like these people. their smell didnt bother me a bit. i think they are idols; to have lived to their age and survived this mad world, i salute them. i'm beginning to consider geriatric as my option in the future..

look, i do care about other people. i know my previous entry has been a bit harsh, but at least i was being honest. like oja said, i care about other people but i tend not to show it. and i like to be in control of my decision. i want to choose those who i want to care, and i want to decide whether they can care for me or not. like that annoying girl from my hospital group who i once wrote in this blog, she's ok actually, except that she assumed that we were best friends. i can accept the fact that we are friends, but please dont overdo it, terkinja2 want to be my friend, i seriously dont like that. i'm the kind of person who need to have my own space. and i choose my friends, sound a bit harsh huh. what if that chosen person dont want to be my friend? i'm totally fine with that, honestly, no hard feeling at all, as it's your decision. tak lose ape2 pun.

good nite everyone

i'm not sure what brings in on, but i think of my dear old friends a lot recently.

i went to my kampung's tadika kemas when i was 6 years old. it was a small tadika and i met my earlier friends there. there was a girl name yati, who was very manja. i found out one day that she didnt have a father and that she was the only child. her mother pampered her so much. and i was a natural nakal girl, i hate manja2 girl, tak cool huh. i remembered my mum forcing me to be friend with yati, but being a natural degil myself, i didnt like being friends with a manja+ngengada girl. i wasnt close to anyone, but there was a girl who was very smart in my class. she got short hair and a very slim body. she performed better than me, in many ways, and she got the 2nd place in the overall performance, while i only managed to get 5th. i respected this girl. 18 years later, i found out from my nenek that yati and the short haired girl had became teachers in my kampung's secondary school. i wasnt surprised with yati, but i thought the short-haired girl got much more potential than that. i know i cant judge her with her 6-year-old's performance, but i'm pretty sure about her potential. i couldnt help but thinking that if the short haired girl was born in a city, she would have a better future.

my family moved to kuantan soon after i finished my tadika. we stayed in a military camp for 4 years. there was even a primary school inside the camp. i met siti maslina, a very beautiful girl who got some mat saleh features in her. our mums were best friends and they expected us to click too. i liked her, she was nice, but i thought i was too ugly and comot to be her friend. i was indeed very comot and dirty, almost all the time. both of us had the same short name, 'nina'. to make it easier, everybody called me 'nina selamat' and her, 'nina alwi', based on our fathers' names. i met a girl named rina as well, our mums were best friends too, but rina was a very dependent girl. she would follow me everywhere, everytime. well, you see,i tend to get 'rimas' easily, and i told rina to stop following me. and she told her mum about this. the next morning her mum waited for her in the canteen during recess period. me and my selamba face haha. little did i knew that her mum reported me to my mum. apa lagi, balik rumah kene aa bantai. siti maslina is now taking masters in upm and rina is in uia taking accountancy. rina has an older sister named linda. linda was sooo smart, beautiful and soo popular as well. she got the top place in her year and became the head student as well. i went to linda's wedding last summer. she's now working as an accountant for petronas. i remember her lending me her barbie doll to play with rina :)

in the middle of standard 4, my family moved to ampang, kl and stayed there until i finished upsr. i didnt like ampang's girls. they were cruel people, tak tipu. they only hanged out with those who got something, like some big colour pencils, have a huge garden etc. i cant recall anyone who is significant. until very recently, thanks to the birth of broadband, i managed to keep in touch with a boy from my school. we were never in the same class, but he once wrote my autograph. last year's summer, hafiz went to the uk to visit her aunt and came to newcastle to visit me. a nice and shy guy. we didnt talk much back then, and last summer we talked a lot. it was nice to hear from him.

i had to live with my nenek in kampung for a year with kak lysa, as abah had to go to uk for his masters and brought along mama, jiman and iwan. i met zuhaila there, a typical kampung girl. beautiful, timid, hitam manis and never go out of her kampung. quite a proper girl, who speaks gently, plus proper manner too. she was a nice friend. we tried to keep in touch but lost somewhere in the middle, mainly because my family tend to move around a lot. but since she lives in my kampung where almost everyone is related, i managed to get some news about her. she tried to continue her study but stucked with her failed bm in spm. she's now married to a local guy. i'm pretty sure she has her own children now. hmm..think i'll ask nenek about her the next time i balik kampung.

then, we moved again, this time to butterworth, penang, and lived there for a year (sigh). i really like seberang perai. nice place, very cheap food and the people are just the best. they are very humble, and quite religious too. ha ha i can remember being the only girl who didnt wear tudung, in the whole school! dono how i coped with that. i met my first best friend, her name was chin mee ree. she was one of the best student, yet she was soo humble. i never knew any chinese who was as humble and kind as her. i never knew anyone who is equel to me. we studied together, hanged out together, went to shopping together. she was the first friend who i invited to my house. she was so sad when my family moved (again) to kuantan. we tried to keep in touch, but somehow it lost somewhere in the middle. i last heard from her several years ago, she went to study in dundee in engineering. we tried to meet up, but tak jadi, dono what happen. now i totally lost her. miss you, mee ree.

then, (sigh) i went to a chinese school in kuantan at the end of form 3. it was soo close to pmr, no school was dare enough to accept any new student. i went there for 2 months, took pmr and went to form4 for a while. the school was shocked for my result, with my history of moving around, they thought i had a bad record or something. i went to form4 for a while but then i was denied to enter 4science1. the school authorities gave me various lame excuses, but the true story was that they wanted all students in 4science 1 to be chinese (my form3 class was the 3rd class, you know). i was soo damn angry; with my result, i can choose any class. stupid school. racism. i didnt plan to go to any boarding school initially, but my form3 malay teacher had forced me to apply for mrsm just b4 pmr. although i can change to another school in kuantan, but my dad just received a new posting which is in kl (again). i know that by the middle of form4, my family will be moving out again. the only solution was to put me into a boarding school. so i went to mrsm taiping for 2 years and met most of my recent friends there. i didnt know that mrsm taiping was one of the best school in the country at that time, i went there because that was the only offer that i got. i remember how my parents were shocked when they heard the headmaster mentioned about this. if a normal secondary school aims to get a 100% pass in spm, in this school, the aim is to get 100% 12aggregates and below. gilo apo. cuak gile. i still got the shivers until now.

i didnt get close to anyone in particular while in taiping. me and my 'halimunan-ness' haha. i tend to hang out with a girl in my class, my deskmate actually and we lived in the same dorm. rozian is a jawa girl like me, and our kampungs are quite close to each other. she has a round face and is a down to earth person. very independent as well. we last met 2 years ago and i promised to invite her to my wedding and vice versa :)

to my dear old friends, i wish you the very best of luck in your future. thanks for being part of my life :) i miss you guys, wherever you are

**[spell your name backwards]
anaylle <--cool, i think

**[the story behind your email address]
there were 3 ellys back in college. 503 was the name my class

**[where do you live?]
a rented house in newcastle

DESCRIBE YOUR...
**[wallet]
black leather purse which mama bought for me last summer

**[shoes]
which pair?

**[favourite shirt]
a levi shirt from his and hers matching shirts. azali got 1 too :)

**[piercing]
right ear lobe

**[hair]
straight. you guessed it...rebonding aa

**[makeup]
lipstick. lancome has the best lipstick ever ever

**[something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]
mm..christmas hols maybe..nk cuti!!

**[something that you are deathly afraid of?]
pacat. worms.

**[do you believe in love]
a ha

**[do you believe in forgiveness]
yes but to forget is something else

**[where are 3 places you wouldn't mind relocating to]
anywhere in malaysia
anywhere near shopping complexes
anywhere near halal foods

**[favorite food?]
ayam kentucky yum yum

**[is there something you wish you could understand better]
life..why does it has to be complicated

**[my father thinks i am]
degil, moody, easy to talk to

**[my mother thinks i am]
degil, moody, good shopping partner

**[my siblings think i am]
degil, moody, perabih duit mama abah :p

**[best qualities]
dono..easy to talk to, maybe? but not when i'm in a bad mood lah

**[worst qualities]
degil + moody tahap 10 (both)

**[i get embarrassed when]
i cant find the word i'm trying to say. mental block

**[what makes me happy]
when my day is productive

**[upsets me]
seeing ninie

DO
**[you like to cook ]
yes

**[you have a secret you have not shared with anyone]
yup

LAST
**[song you listened to]
lionel richie's Still

**[person you've called]
azali

**[person that's called you]
rifit (my coursemate)

**[person u sms]
azali

**[TV show you've watched]
eastenders (soap drama..very popular woo in uk ahaks)

**[thing you were thinking about]
what to eat/cook after this

**[u think about suicide]
no comment

**[others find you attractive]
dono

DO..
**[you drink]
no

**[you like roller coasters]
nope. i wouldnt ride one even if you pay me

**[you write in cursive or print]
both

**[you carry a donor card]
no

**[you have a crush on somebody]
aha..one of my coursemate..so cute! hehe

**[lied to someone]
a ha

**[ever been in a fist fight]
yup. with my bro 10 years ago haha

**[ever been arrested]
no

WHAT..
**[shampoo do you use]
loreal kerastase

**[what do you notice first in a guy/girl]
their smile

WHO..
**[makes you laugh the most]
azali

**[has a crush on you]
budak kecik from sheff hahah

**[last time you did something]
something what?

**[last time you were totally free]
last easter and summer, my first break in 24 years

**[whats your favourite colour]
pink!! omg i helplessly in love with pink...sad isnt it

**[what are you planning to do tomorrow]
wake up at 9ish, do some reading (as if), gp surgery visit at 1.30pm until 5, buke posa, mandi, tgk tv, tido

it's 2am ish, early sunday morning and i'm well awake. think i should write something in my blog other than just my daily event.

selfish. that's what some people used to tell me. at least 2 of them are my good friends, who knew me better enough for me to respect their views. am i selfish? indeed i am. but..not that kind of selfish when you pijak other ppl's head for you to gain something high. my problem is that i dont care. i just dont care. and i dont want to care. just mind your own business and let other ppl mind their own business. simple. no busy-bodying, no gossiping. unless that person or that thing disturb me or my life, then i do mind.

eg: a girl in my group was busy talking (gossiping) about another girl in my group who has a very thin body and big boobs. i cant see any point of this. has the big-boob girl ever disturb the other girl? no. has the big-boob girl ever stole the other girl's bf because of her big boob? no. the big-boob girl maybe caught some extra attention from the boys, that's it. i think the other girl is just plain dengki. sukati big-boob girl tu la. if she wants a D or E cup pun, it's purely up to her. it's her life. it's her body. it's fate that you have a smaller-than-average boobs. why do you have to talk about other people?

well, as usual, bla bla bla i also talk about other ppl behind their back. that's because they had somehow disturbed me or my life. this one girl used to tell some guys who i like, that i like them. i have told her precisedly earlier, that i dont like to inform those guys. but she told them anyway. will i bitch about her? hell i will. but of course la after i confronted her. if it's just once, fine, maybe she slipped it out accidently. but 2nd time? confronted her, talked to her, marah her, bitch about her. ha ha cruel woo hehe. was it my fault for telling her at the first place? everybody have crushes. not serious at all. like 'i like that guy's hair' or 'i like that guy's smile'. and she assumed i like those guys and told them about it! BITCH.

back to my point... it works vice versa too. i dont like to care about other ppl, and i dont like ppl to care about me. my usual sentence will be

it's up to you. it's your life
dont ask question
who are you to ask me?

and i really hate ppl asking me

where have you been?

it's my life. if i go and jump the bridge, hell it's my choice.

if you want to go and jump the bridge, then do it. it's your life.

i dont care, and i dont want to care. selfish? i just want to do my own stuff without being questioned. i dont like giving explaination. i strongly believe that life is short. too short to need to give explaination for every single thing that i do or decide.

am i being strong-headed? yes i am. everybody knows i am degil. am i disturbed? not at all. i accept the fact that i am selfish and strong-headed. i cant understand why some ppl are so worried about having some 'negative' character in them. 'oh, i musnt feel good over my ex's misery', or 'I really don't understand how people can be so bitter'. hello, if that other people is so damn bad and proved to be bad, then why not? nk jadi good-good, sweet girl, who has a pure and innocent heart? ha ha bullshit. all ayu ppl out there, go and die.

it's a harsh blog, isnt it? my personal opinion. my personal prinsip. my life. my choice.

this week was very busy and tiring. busy + no food, that's fine with me, but all those adrenaline up and down, it made me sick. i went to bed early almost every night, i didnt even have time to talk to my fiance, lame tak borak panjang ngn die. this morning my mum told me that azali came to our house in ampang. it was thoughtful of him.

now where should i start? lots of things happened in these past few days..

monday - i dreamt something nice (again? why is this girl always talk about her dream? dono). well, everybody knows i miss my fiance (dhoh..why 'fiance'? you see, i dont like to write his name, i always prefer to refer him as 'monyet', but at the same time i know it's not appropiate..dono). i miss talking to him, being with him, going out with him, or even just looking at his face. that night i dreamt of being in secondary school again. it was a chinese school. there was this chinese hulk who treated me nicely. i couldnt remember his face, but that didnt matter, because he was so nice and treated me as if i was his gf. it turned out that i was indeed his gf! but nobody in the school knew about this (even me haha). this hulk (cool word isnt it?) thought it was the right time to declare our relationship to the public (like drama swasta la plak hehe). it turned out that this guy is the most popular + smart guy in that school. wah wah. bgn2 je, i couldnt help myself from smiling. i'm still tersengih2 right now :p. it was one of those rare moment when you felt like flowers in your heart....smile smile

tues - i had almost the same dream as the night before..except this time it was azali...REALLY-WIDE-KUASA-SEPULUH-EAR-TO-EAR-SMILE hihihihihihihihi
on this day as well, a really weird thing happened. i went to the hospital as usual in the morning and the morning session was soooo boring. i was seriously considering to skip the afternoon session, mainly just to go to town to have some window shopping instead. during the morning break, i read my newspaper and as usual, i read the horoscope part first. it wrote:

Leo
'There are two approaches to work that will succeed for you today; one sees you calling in sick and going shopping, the other involves staying quiet. You choose'

how weird was that? that was what exactly in my mind. cuak sat. 'this is too weird' i thought and...i cancelled my plan to skive the afternoon session..

wednesday - horrible. i got this review video session. 2 weeks ago i had this session of 'video recording' thingy which they recorded my interview with a patient. and today was the review session in which me and my other 5 groupmates got to watch the recorded video again and gave pro and cons about our communication skills. horror!! the session was ok actually, i did learn something useful but i hate seeing myself in the photo/video/whatever which shows my face arghhhhhh i just hate it soo much :(

thursday - a tiring day. but i got my first pay!! woohoo! my first ever pay. 75 quids. for 3 days job, 12 and a half hours work. easy money! what i'm gonna buy what i'm gonna buy..hmm..ayo..got to save it la babe..i need to start saving now...i dont have any kind of saving now..but i think a pair of knee-length boot will be ok kan elina :P

friday - finally friday arrived. went to see my tutor to ask him about my progress in the course so far and i got a very good and comforting feedback. bless him. guess i was just being too concious. but i know i need to work more more more! but not today hehe. today i cooked kuew teow goreng and baked chocolate cake! yum yum. i lost my appetite lately and had to force myself eating. that's why i cooked properly today. yum yum. tomoro i think i'm gonna make karipap yum yum. or/and some biskut raya maybe hehe.

so here i am, it's just past midnight. tomoro i'll go to work, maybe until 2-3pm. my initial plan is to go to the library after that, but then bile nk wat karipap and biskut raya tu? hmm..

oh forgot to mention, i got 5 day-off, till next wednesday! woohoo!

i'm not very well today. i didnt have enough sleep last night, i couldnt sleep after sahur. i usually can sleep with my tummy full, but last night (or morning, it was 5am) i just couldnt. and i'm too dependent on my beta-blocker right now. i'm used to take 2 tablets everyday, each for morning and afternoon, but now i cant. i couldnt help but fidgeting, the tremor was uncontrollable. and i felt sick. think i should sleep early tonight. need to read about headache first. yeah, great, i'm having a headache now and need to read about headache more. great great..

i'm missing someone badly now. wish he is here with me. sedih.. sob sob...

bosannye...

i got this from someone's blog - 'will u marry u?'. hmm..i gave it a thought for a while..and my answer would definitely be..no. i've known to have a low self-esteem, i can be (very) opinionated sometimes (all the time) (if it's in brackets, it means i'm in denial of the facts ha ha). dah la unpredictable in term of mood ie one minute i'm happy then out of the blue, i can be (very) moody and angry as well. pSycHO..that's what some (most) of my friends told me. and i hate being told what to do. nO aDviCE please.. aka degil/stubborn/big headed whatever lah. and i'm not the best of person in the world. not even in newcastle. not even in my own house haha. sometimes (all the time) i just dont care, and i dont want to care. i would always prefer to be left alone. and i hate being questioned. a bit (very) individualistic too.

that's why i keep on asking myself, what the hell does azali sees in me? why is he still here?

'i'm not perfect, nor do you, the question is whether we are perfect for each other'

smile smile

'you may not be the best of person in the world, but you are enough for me. i'm not looking for the perfect girl, i'm looking for a perfect girl for me. you maybe unpredictable but you are an honest person. you always speak what's in your mind. always. that's what i like best about you. you maybe individualistic, but for me, you are independent. i wont have to worry about you and your well-being, because i'll always know you can take good care of yourself and make a fair judgement. it's not that i'm not worried about you because i will always do. we still have a long journey beyond us, so i need a strong girl. a girl who have the whole package. independent, strong-willed, honest and can take care of herself as well. who said that you're kasar? or garang?i dont want you to change, i like you the way you are.'

caaaiiirrrrr

i miss my monyet at malaysia :'(

it's the first day of fasting. not bad...except when somebody kept on telling me how thirsty and hungry she was..like every 5 minutes. very very annoying, but hey..bulan posa weh..got to restrict myself from kutuk-ing other ppl. ha ha. and there was this one beruk from malaysia said that he didnt feel 'good' about my previous entry about me saying (or kutuking) one of my groupmates at hosp. ha ha. iyo la, yo la, i got it pakcik, i'll try to write something else then in this blog.

(this blog will be very dull and boring then dhoh).

i'm listening to my most favourite cd ever ever. it's lionel richie's 'back to front'. i really like his music. a bit of jazz, a bit of pop. his duet with diana ross, 'endless love' was like....ahhh.. make me melt everytime i hear it :)

ha ha again, that beruk in malaysia said that i shouldnt reveal too much about myself in this blog. he said it would be 'dangerous'. what? like i have someone who really want to kill me or something. i know that malang tu tak berbau, but...who cares about my blog? who cares to read it anyway? i dont have that many friends. i'm not that social. dono la. iyo lah yo la, my dear..

so what else can i write? about my hobbies and be as boring as kudo's? ha ha i'm making more and more enemies now ha ha

what's the point of having a blog when you cant write whatever you want in it?

i think having a blog is very exciting. as i said before, i'm not that social, and my beruk is so far away, so this blog is my only place to be myself. this blog represents me. and it's for me alone. it's not meant for other ppl. a friend of my once told me, if it's only for you , why not just put stuff that you write in word document and save it in your hardrive? good thinking. i dont have the answer. all i can say is that a blog is a blog and it has to be published. i dont think a blog is a diary. it's just a place where you can do (write, i mean) whatever you want to write. complicated huh? well...life is complicated after all

ps/ i can imagine my mum saying 'bakal menantu mama...beruk?'

:)

it's 10.30 pm. it's time for me to sleep. i know it is quite early huh, but what to do, tomoro i'll have to start the day early, hence need to sleep early. well, tomoro i wont be having any class (woo hoo!) but i need to go to work (woo hoo!). my work doesnt have any fixed entry time, i just come whenever i want and leave whenever i want. cool isnt it? but i think i still want to start early tomoro, so that i can do other things as well like go to the library or go to the beach. you see, the place where i work is just 5-10 minutes walk from the beach. i went there last saturday after work (yup, i work on saturday too) but the weather wasnt that good and i could only stayed there for 10 minutes. damn cold! so tomoro, if the weather is ok, i might go to the beach again and spend more time there. the beach reminds me very much of kak lysa, my eldest sis. she loves beaches a lot!

i want to sleep now, but i promised elina to wait for her arrival and open the main door for her. she is due to arrive from london at 12ish tonite and cant find her house key. tappe la, i dont mind waiting for her. writing this blog will take some of my time. there is nothing interesting on tv, i've spent a few hours in the library this afternoon so dont think i want to read academic book right now. fiction story book? dont let me start, or else i cant stop, so better not start reading one.

i think i'm pretty much organised right now. haha i feel quite proud of myself. bukan nk angkat bakul, but if you know me, you will know what i mean. by keeping myself bz and occupied, i become more organised. penat tu mmg penat, but at least i know my time is filled with something. in fact i have never been more organised in my whole life. hmm..waktu kat mrsm taiping doesnt count..cos that's involuntary.

right now, i go to class everyday. mon, tues, thurs and friday will be a very full day, woke up at 7am sharp and the class will start at 9 and finish at 5pm, sharp. after getting a lift from a fren from the hospital to town, i go to the robinson library, the uni library which is the nearest to the town. it will take me a further 20 minutes to go to the medical library, so i decide to go to the nearest one. i stay in the library until 7-8pm ish, and go home after that. i take a shower as soon as i reach home, prepare my dinner, eat in front of the tele, and wait a while for the food to come down, and i go to bed at 11ish. that will be a typical day for me. on wednesday and saturday, i get up at 8am ish and go to work until 3-4pm ish. i go to the library after that, get my quick lunch anywhere and stay there until i finish my work or whenever my head dah tepu. the only problem is sunday. i dont have anything on sunday. i want to do something, or else i will end up just lying on the bed for the WHOLE day, watch tv and eat, eat, and eat again. not at all productive. and i feel soooo dammmnnnn lazy. you see, i cant stop going or else i will lose momentum. like last sunday, i didnt do a thing, i felt sooo lazy and what i hate most was the feeling on that sunday night. i felt reluctant to start the usual routine. once i start my routine, it will be fine. punctual and productive, that's my goal.

ha ha i cant believe i'm doing all these. you should have met me last year. i was probably the laziest malaysian in newcastle last year and i lost something precious in my life. i lost my time. my sis gave me a very good advice a couple of months ago. it seems illogical as well as harsh, but there is some truth behind it. i know she's right.

good nite everyone :)

a full grown boy, yet everybody treats him like budak kecik hehe

Iwan is my youngest brother. he turns 16 today. Happy Birthday Iwan! iwan has been everybody's favourite since he was born. i was 8 years old at that time. i was so young and didnt even realised that my mum was pregnant. i just knew that one day while i was at school, my dad came over and said something to my teacher. i saw kak lysa was there too, waiting outside my classroom. my dad didnt say a word. you see, up to until i was 14 years old, my dad didnt talk AT ALL to any of his children. dono, i think he didnt like children at all, it was my mum who wanted to have some children in the house, but that's another story. so this day 16 years ago, my dad brought me, kak lysa and jiman to this weird place which i later knew as hospital. i didnt dare to ask my dad anything. there i saw my mum lying on the bed, looking tired and there was this tiny new 'thing' beside her. my mum greeted us with a smile and told us that it was a boy. uh..what boy? she said that the thing beside her is a baby boy (ooo tu ke baby) and said that this baby boy will be living with us. ooo ic ic.

this boy was soo fair. his skin was soo smooth. ha ha bold head. my mum named him Idzwan. she chose a name with the letter I, which is the same as hers. i remember iwan as a good baby. he didnt cry a lot and became cubbier and cubbier each day. one thing about iwan is that he has a natural charm. pandai ambil hati. i remember him when he was 2-3 years old, he will shout 'wokgen wokgen' whenever he saw a volkswagen car on the street. you see, my dad has this soft spot towards volkswagen. and the rest is history. iwan has become his pet ever since. and my dad gradually changed after iwan was born. he started to like children and began to talk to us, his 'other' children ha ha. well that's another story as well

although he's the youngest in the family, he's not the smallest, mind you. he's as tall as my dad. he becomes so dark nowadays, with all those puberty hormones flaring up ie pimples la. tho he's now tall and big, he still got this baby face, the face which resembles so much of his baby's day. well, that's what i thought. die ambil hati my mum by being a good shopping partner. he knows style, seriously, which brings him closer to me too. he knows brands and cool things. and he knows lots of stuff about cars too, which brings him closer to my sis. he's so close to kak lysa, she even says that iwan is the person she loves most in this world. iwan is an obedient yet cool person. nobody taught him to be like that.

so, iwan, i know you wont be reading this (so that ko tak kombang when aku puji ko lambung2). you have just turned 16 today. you are still too young to realise that life is complicated but i know you will know it sooner or later. take one step at a time and although you have to take each step seriously, dont let the seriousness prevent you from enjoying it. life can be fun too. you are who you are, be brave. it's ok to look back every now and again. take care [tho you know there are 5 of us who will take care of you unconditionally] :)

good nite everyone

penatnyer penatnyer...

seriously, i'm tired. tired TIRED. yeah yeah you got my point.

i read a blog yesterday in which the owner enlisted his list of 'The 10 things I'd like to accomplish by the age of 30'. geez..cool gak..i've never thought of that b4 (mmg tak ambitious langsung ha ha). hmm..i'm not a very ambitious person. i dont like to think that much (tho everybody told me i think TOO much..dono). well, i think i might give it a go, but maybe i'll change the title a bit...

The 10 things I want to have, or wish to have, by the age of 30

1. i want to have a permanent, stable work. in my case..being a qualified doctor maybe? but i wont rule out other jobs. i might not work as a doctor tho i manage to get a medical degree, you see. well, i dont mind about the job i'll do in the future, as long as its permanent, stable and of course with a good pay. i dont expect to get a high pay, i just hope it's enuff for me :) cant wait

2. i want to have a baby. i really really want a baby, it doesnt matter who the father is (azali will kill me if he reads this ha ha). i've dreamt about this little girl who i believe is my future daughter (geez..freak) for so many times now..i really want her. i want to have her. ha ha funny. but i'm serious..

3. i want to write english perfectly..as perfect as nadine's and ct's. with really big good words. of course perfect grammer. p.e.r.f.e.c.t english

4. i want to speak chinese fluently. i want to learn to read japanese. the former one is for me to understand all those chinese girls gossips. the latter one is for me to read as many japanese manga aka comic as many as i can! yippee ;P

5. i want to have a driving license. you guess it right...i dont have a driving license. but dont think i want to own or drive a car...

6. of course i want to settle down. hopefully with azali..but dono la. jodoh Allah yg tentukan. it's funny cos i put this at number 6, ie after my wish to have a baby (at number 2), but it's true...i want to have a baby more than i want to get marry. if la kan..i could have a baby WITHOUT a husband...like get it from a sperm bank ka..dah lame dah buat ha ha ha haram ha ha

7. i want to own a dressing room. a moderate sized room for my precious clothes, shoes and handbags. all clothes will be hangered and the shoes will have their own display racks and the handbags as well. each shoes with their matching handbag. every display will have the small cupboard lamp for the background lighting. oh dream on..

8. i want to bring my whole family to disneyworld, florida. we used to live in florida when i was 3 years old for 3 years. i really want to go there again with the whole family. it's the whole family's dream to be there again

9. i want to have a wide knowledge in fashion. i want to know about the recent fashion style. like tweed and green are soo 'in' for this autumn, as well as as gold, and pastels are soo last year's fashion. i want to at least be able to sketch some clothing designs. i want to study fashion industry ie why does certain fashion suddenly becomes popular at certain times and who decides it. i want to know about fabric, which fabric is suitable for which fashion etc... all of these have always fascinates me

10. the most important thing that i want at the age of 30 is to be happy. really happy. really really happy. happy happy. i know i cant have everything in life. i've been unhappy for these past years and i think i'll continue to be unhappy for at least 3 years more, so i think i deserve to be happy by the age of 30. i really hope so :) wish me luck

have a nice weekend everyone

penatnyer penatnyer...

had a very nice dream last nite. i dreamt entering F1 for Ferrari (ha ha). it puzzled me a bit, cos i dont usually support ferrari, i'm a mercedes's kimi raikonen hard fan. or maybe bmw's juan pablo montoya bcos he's azali's favourite. so there i was, preparing myself for the race, with michael schumacher as my mentor. peliknye...cos i never actually like nor support him, not a bit. but never mind, in that dream, i'll be driving for ferrari and there will only be 1 opponent, that is a young guy who will drive for bmw. i was very nervous, hello, how can a person who didnt even pass her driving licence test (err...that will be me) can enter F1 racing and drive for ferrari? i told m.schumacher about that, but he said he got faith in me. dhoh..pijak dunia yg nyata la pakcik. of course i didnt say that to him heh. he seemed nice. pastuh, i started to remember what azali used to tell me whenever we watched F1 tv live, 'one of the most important thing in F1 is the starting. a car must have a good lead. and the 1st corner is very very crucial.' oooo...macam itu ka. tho takder la paham sgt..but buat2 paham huh. so the racing day eventually arrived and...i got a very good start and manage to lead after the 1st corner and at that time i knew i was gonna win cos there's no way the bmw car gonna potong me in a F1 circuit.... sedar2 kul 6.50am, another 10 minutes b4 my routine morning alarm tuk melalak. it was a very satisfying dream..

back to reality. i dont want to talk about my course, hospital bla bla bla cos it's so damn routine/boring/you named it that is not even worth mentioning. what i would like to mention now is my new pokok2. hahaha i got 6 plants altogether in my room right now. well, 6 types of plants, which are cactuses (3 of them), bamboos (3 gak), aloe vera, heathers (mcm pokok bontot kucing but it's purple), dragonleaf (mcm rumput) and hedera helix (pokok yg juntai2 tu). lawanyer...hehheeh. all are easy to care for...or supposed to, as that is what they wrote in the instruction on how to care them hihi. i tried 3 times to care for roses, but all 3 of them died. i just knew that roses are not meant for indoors. hehe..should have known that b4 trying to bela them heheh. anyway, hope these plants will accompany me here. i hope 6 is not too much...

just got a news that maybe, all of my housemates are going to be away for christmas hols. hm...so i will be left alone here for 2 weeks...dhoh..dont think so! i'll find a place (or some!) to go to. oja...ko nampak baik la kat glasgow hihi.... or maybe belfast? hmm...

i like this phrase, 'today is the result of yesterday.'

good nite everyone.

I am 27% evil.

I try to stay away from evil deeds but succumb to temptation every once in a while. I'm not quite on my way to hell but I certainly have some explaining to do.

Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

not just today, but the whole week has been stupid. i felt stupid. the course has been stupid. the weather is stupid. WAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

got this 1 person in my group which is VERY annoying. keep on bugging me all the time. i mean ALL the time. bug bug bug. always nk kepit with me. helo!! even my fiance pun tak kepit with me, cos i'm the kind of person who need my own space. MY OWN SPACE, you bitch! semue bende nk same. percaya tak, if i tak tunggu die tuk lunch sekali, die leh merajuk+ muncung??! go to hell bitch! everytime amik history from patient pun semue nk same??! wtf? hangin hangin. bengang. semue nk ikut bontot org. nk pie berak pun nk ikut? (honestly, if i tak ckp ape2, die mesti nk ikut nyer...a ha..yup...it's that bad) bengang gile!

for some people, this is just nothing. but for me, my privacy is everything. EVERYTHING. it's not like i dont like to meet other people, but dont go interfering my life boleh tak? DONT INTERFERE urghhhhh!! i dont like people to know me. dont ask too many question. my life is mine. mine. mine.

i dont like 3 types of people. fine, i am prejudice, i know i might regret this later for saying/writing all of these, but right now, I DONT GIVE A FUCKIN DAMN about that

1) people who have mouth bigger than their head. ie way too talkative people. all they do is talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk AND talk again. fine...i know there is such thing as freedom of speech, but if it's nonsense and full of craps, go and speak to the wall la.

2) people who are ngada-ngada. rengek2. hek hek hek. perasaan die cute sgt. sengih2. try buat comel. comel kepala hotak. fine, i understand if you nk ngada2 with your bf ka, gf ka, tapi not all people??! ngn semue org nk ngada2. this kind of person deserves to die.

3) people who defy the fact. face the fact, man. nobody is happy with themselves. even if you ask Miss Universe sekali pun, mesti die ade something that she doesnt like about her body. note* rare species like super duper confidence human being are not considered here. all my life, i know 2 person who are like this. one in kmys and another one in newcastle. the one in kmys (my previous college) refused to weigh herself (note* at that time, there was a bio project which required everyone to measure their weight and height in order to make a normal distribution chart, oh you know what i mean). that girl, who has a benggali origin, besar gak la, size 16 maybe, she said that she weighs 55 kg and wears jean size 26. WTF? ingat org bodoh? i was in size 8-10, weigh 53kg back then and wear jean size 29. die tipu tipu tipu. i hate this kind of people. same here in newcastle. she used to have size 14, everyday complain psl badan die besar la, gemuk la, tu la ni la, bile waktu makan byk gile. b.a.n.y.a.k. yet complain complain complain. fine fine, i know not everybody is blessed with high metabolism, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. i used to eat boiled brocoli for several months tuk diet huh. i know some big sized girls who are so lovely, so not every big sized girls are like what i describe above.

you know what? to make things short, pleasant (ha. ha.) and less offensive (ha. ha. again.), all the lists of the kind of person that i dont like, that girl from my hospital group has. imagine. honest honestly, she is really huge, fine with me, she's about shanie's (know her? malaysian artist/comedian) size ie size 20++, but she says she's size 14??! come on, i'm not stupid. for example yeh, i honestly know that my face is ugly, i admit i'm ugly and not good looking. FACE THE FACT! i know it's bitter, but it is the truth, terime je la. if i can accept my ugliness, accept je la your un-perfectness. dah tu die ngada2 pulak. suke buat muke as if die comel la. kenyit2 mata kat kite la (ew..help i want to puke) ew..geli geleman. but bab yg paling tak puas hati...die nk KEPIT ngn kite 24-7!!! arghhhhhh. everything must do together. if i berak, ko kene tunggu depan pintu. taknak masuk sekali ke?!! honestly this type of person deserves to die die die....

the worst ever nightmare (even worse than that wedding one) has come true.... i just received this news. she is my rotation partner until next june. now. june. she. me. die. slow. painful. certain. death.

bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang. bengang.

bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh. bodoh.

think i need some anger management huh.

i just came back from hospital. tired and hungry, i reached home only to discover my salon appointment for tomoro has been cancelled by someone. huh.

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sabar elly sabar. pisssssssed sgt2. think i might go take a shower and semayang sunat or something. really really need to chill out

ps/ elina, aku tak marah kt ko. i just had a bad week. ko cume wrong timing je.