simply elly

2/03/2005 11:06:00 PM 0 Comments »
lately ni asyik penat jer. and asyik mengeluh aje.

it's official. i put on some weight. managed to weigh myself using a weighing scale at the doctors' room at old psychiatric ward, NTGH. of course i did it when the doctors werent there duh. what to do what to do. it's not much, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. honestly, i dont mind much about gaining weight, but then it is expected for a girl to worry much about her weight and be panicky when gain some, so i have to do what is expected of me. cos i'm a girl. am i in a mission to prove myself a girl? dono. my head is too wired up to think of anything. i just do things that are expected of me.

fact: one of my aim in life is to be in the exact middle line of a bell shape distribution. got it? i just want to be a typical girl with typical habits in a typical life. why? i dont know. i just want to be normal.

one of my friends told me it was hard to get closer to me. she said i had different personalities at different time, depending on my mood. and i dont have a clue what she was saying. got this idea to check on my friendster, where i can check on the testimonials that my friends gave me. it was indeed weird. some of them said that i was a kind and caring friend. others said i was garang. some said i was talkative. while others said i like to be left alone. some said i was tough, while others hope i wont be homesick. the weirdest statement was that i was soft-spoken and gentle. i didnt realise these variation of testimonials. i know people have their own unique view on others, but this also could mean that i got various personalities, which i use to different people, at different time. it is not my intention to be like this.

this has reminded me of an old childhood story. when i was young, i mean pre-school age, i only had a few friends to play with, mainly because of the family constant moving places, and most of the time i spent time playing with kak lysa who is 3 years older and jiman, my younger brother of 2 years. i was such a naughty and bully kid, so both of them didnt like me and tend to click themselves. i had to work hard (ie be good) to gain them back and join their play. same happen when iwan was borned. he was such a nice and obedient boy, and i liked to bully him around and asked him to do lots of nonsense stuff, until my mum asked iwan to stop following my order. then, i had to work hard again, to gain back his trust. it was like a routine to me, but strangely i liked it.

the truth is that i am a naughty and adventurous person inside. the truth is also that i have NOT a single intention to hurt anyone. life is dull if you get things easily. i want to gain something that is worth saving. damn it is weird. or maybe evil? or maybe stupid?

same happened to mr monkey. he liked me. he told me. i had him. easy. it was not my intention to take him for granted, but for me to appreciate him, i need to do something nasty. so i treated him like shit and then dumped him. then i worked hard to gain him back. it was like he passed my life test. then will i appreciate him. and i will appreciate him for LIFE. i will treasure him like no other. he has gained my ultimate trust.

i'm one sick person, arent i?

this is the exact reason why i dont like to be closer to people, rejecting those who want to be closer to me. life is a game. a dull life is a life not worth living.

(or is it time to visit the counsellar again?)