My World

there were times when one felt less human and had to isolate oneself from the outer world as a consequence of this feeling.

and that is exactly how i feel now.

i need to tell someone.

i am prone to feel down.

and i dont know why.

and i am not sure myself whether it is true or not.

maybe because i have known to have a low self-esteem. i know that.

it is weird. i know i have low self-esteem and this makes me vulnerable to feel down. yet it still hit me everytime.

it is like being an alcoholic. you have a habit. a bad one. you know that this bad habit of yours will cause you more harm than pleasure, but you still drink nevertheless. you know you have a bad habit, but you cant get rid of it. it is harder than what everyone thinks it is. you just cant get away from it, though you are fully aware of the consequence of having this bad habit. it is part of you and will always be part of you, no matter how many anti-detox, treatments, counselling etc that you had, it will always be part of your past, although you determine not to have it presently, and are still unsure about the future.

it is part of me. me and my low self-esteem. feel lesser than life now. feel less worth than any living creature on this earth.

if i were in a stadium packed of people and there is a mass murderer with a gun at the centre of the stadium, i wouldnt mind a bit being the one who get the bullet. because i am less significant than any people out there. there is nothing you nor i can do about it.

i'm kinda worried. i need to talk to someone but i dont know who. i'm not sure whether i want to talk to someone or not. half of me want to help me. it knows depression is a gradual chronic thing that eats you bits by bits without you realising it. it knows what has happened in the past. it is a cry for help. or is it not? it knows all about the past, the low feeling, the refusal to meet the outer world, the anhedonia, the sleepness nights etc. it wants to help me. while my other half keeps on falling down and refused to get any help. it likes to be alone and to be left alone. it wants to be in control over mind, body and everything. everything felt excessively overflowing. while there is the other side of me that is still in denial. this is nothing at all. i am just a little git who concern over nothing. no need to tell others. what for? just over tiny winy things like this? they are busy people you know. no one have times for your nonsenseness. dont be selfish. this is nothing. you are seeking attention, arent you? no i am not. one thing i hate in this world is attention. are you sure you dont like it? cos everyone lurvess attention. no i am not. and i will not like it if being labelled as one. are you sure? yes i am sure, stupid. sure, dear?

it is harder than the hardest to explain all this mixed feeling. i remember last year, i have promised myself not to be in that 'zone' again. not to be in that hole again. i tell you what anhedonia really is. it's like having a big empty hole in your chest. numb. empty. you dont feel anything. NOT A THING. life is not worth at all. you cant see any point in life. sitting hours on the floor without a single emotion. worthless, that's right. you feel like being alive doesnt matter a bit. and if you are dead, it doesnt matter too. eat? pointless. do that? nah. do this? what for? nothing is matter anymore. that is anhedonia. numb. empty. hole.

'stupid bitch'
'you dont have any friend, you freak'
'people always talk behind you about how freak you are'
'you dont have any friend, freak'

i didnt feel a thing intially. then it hit me. it might be true. it can be true. it is true. or is it not? or is it?