4/08/2005 10:09:00 PM 1 Comment »
there are too many stories to tell, but no mood to write. i'm a bit low lately, partly because of the maha bosan tahap dewa nyer rotation, but mainly for coming back to the uk after spending my whole 3 weeks easter break at home.

i guess my main problem is that i cant let go. plus i cant seem to integrate my life. between school life and home life. between boarding school life and family life. malaysia and uk. kuantan and newcastle. engaged and single. khatulistiwa and stoopid snow on april. it was as if a dream; that i wasnt sure which one is the reality. a memory or just a dream?

i have to look at the hard evidence aka pictures to make sure it isnt a dream

it felt as if the 3 weeks were just a dream. and i cant seem to let it go.

and i was a bit confused as well about 2 weeks ago; i felt as if newcastle life doesnt exist at all, that it is merely a dream.

memories or is it just a dream?

i think i have 2 minds, both have opposite ways of thinking. it gives me headaches most of the time. i do hope i know how to solve this. both are mine, yet they are too different to each other.

like one head is really convinced it is a memory, while the other firmly believe it is all a dream.

like one head like to spend time alone, hates crowds and being antisocial, while the other is feeling very lonely inside.

like one head thinks i should eat to live while the other thinks i should live to eat.

like one head really really hate this one girl, while the other misses her a lot.

like one head is dealing with the reality, while the other cant seem to let go of the past.

this is tiring and confusing, and the other head thinks it's funny.

about 2 months ago when i did my psychiatric rotation, a psychiatrist once told the group something that gave me a shudder, as it resembled pretty much the same as what i once wrote here about me. i think it wouldnt be appropriate for me to mention which condition, nope it is not depression or anxiety stupid, it is something that i never thought of before. damn i hate psychiatry. people hates something mostly because they are scared of it. a reminder to myself.

yey it's weekend! i'm gonna be super lazy tomoro (like i'm not haha). nite nite!


Lotus said...

What you have written here - i believe has strucked the core of everyone. Be brave.