rainy monday

4/18/2005 10:47:00 PM 4 Comments »
had an ok-ish weekend. sorted out my continuity patients, read up a bit and sorted out my notes. watched some good snooker matches on the tele and did some food shopping. it all went smooth..until sunday night when i received an email from an old good friend back home.

i wasnt sure what was in my head.

confused? irritated? depressed? happy? joyful? or was it sad? jealousy? it was not the feelings that disturbed me, it was all the mixed emotions that came rushing into my head in one whole bulk, and i didnt see it coming.

i had a misrable night. again, it wasnt any particular feeling that disturbed me, it was as if a whole block of thoughts came into my mind, and that it couldnt stop thinking, working, processing, whatever. my thoughts were all over the place and the emotions were just unbearable. i felt so sick and woke up several times that night, sweatish with palpitations.

i didnt know why did it affect me so much. there were question marks everywhere and i was too desperate to find the answers. to see those old familiar faces again, it disturbed me. and i didnt know why. i felt as if all those past memories came back in a sudden, in a whole bulk. i always say that i hate my past. come to think of it, i think i have more good past memories than bad ones. thanks to my friends, i did enjoy my time. i really do. my past wasnt that bad, but why did it hurt me to see those old familiar faces again?

i was soo simple back then. naive, blur, innocent and safe. my sis asked me recently, 'why do you have to be soo difficult, fussy and complicated?' i dont know. i blame my head. it wont stop. sometimes i wish i could just take some tablets to stop it ticking, just for a while, for me to have a quiet and calm moment. why am i soo complicated? we are expected to have obstacles in life, and i've known and understood this for a fuckin looong time, 'life is not always a bed of roses', and we are expected to just carry on. or normal people are expected to carry on. another girl i know has a difficult job but she continues working nevertheless. there are bills to pay, mouths to feed. they have to do things that they dislike. but they continue nevertheless. i wish i can to that. i knew i was that kind of person in my past. i had misrable times in my teens, but i continued nevertheless.

after a misrable night, i forced myself to go to the hospital this morning. it was a rainy morning, with dull greyish sky. fine. the bus was late this morning and i arrived 7 minutes late. and i got to fill the 'late arrival form'. fuckin pissed off. it wasnt my fault that i dont have a car, and i couldnt control the weather and the traffic, could i? assholes. i couldnt bear all the emotions in my head; i spent lunch in the library, trying hard to pour down all my thoughts and emotions on a piece of paper, trying hard to stop those tears from falling down. i jogged later this afternoon, running as fast as i could, as far as i could, the more i think of my life, the faster i ran. with a tired body, i hope to have a better sleep tonite.

i dont want to be a complainer nor a whinger, but i do hate my life, i really do, but i'm trying hard to continue nevertheless. i think. i hope. i wish.

the truth is i miss my past. for something that is impossible to have, i tend to hate it. i miss my old self. i miss those old familiar faces. i miss their company. i am lonely.

4 comments:

Enoch Choi said...

keep it up! it gets better. medicine is worth it!

narcoleptic insomniac said...

elly dearie .. when you are down in the dumps and feeling blue, count your blessings and appreciate that they are others in far worse situations than yourself. reading this post makes me think ..i can so relate to this because being so far away in this cold wet angry land, such feelings and emotions do leave us rather vulnerable. good thing u have ur blog to let it all out eh? btw i miss my blog.. maybe should start a new one one day!
do take care bel x

ellyz said...

thanks enoch choi...whoever you are. so you are an urgent care physician meh? any tips?

thanks to bel jugak..i have to agree with you..distance and location affects people in many ways. and yup, this blog helps me like..a lot! not sure in what way but i hope it is not seen as an effort to gain sympathy; i just need some space to pour down my thoughts, in my attempt to detangle it, i hope. you can come, read and leave ok. and yeah..go and restart your blog! miss ya!

Liz said...

god... I know now I'm not the only one. I always feel disgusted inside whenever I see old frens meet and get together without me... when I really should feel happy for them. The emotions was sometimes difficult to bear. I always think it's ridiculous but still I have to overcome the heavy emotions. I'm sorry if I ruined your day. Want me to make it up to you?