My World

just want to jolt down a few words b4 i doze off. it's only half 11, on a saturday night, but i couldnt keep my eyes open. guess it's the macaroni cheese that made me sleepy. i'm in a cook mood at the moment and as usual my motto is 'spread the fat'. i made a proper macaroni cheese for everyone..thus spread all the calories muahahha. tomoro i plan to make blueberry muffins, maybe banana muffin if i couldnt find blueberries. ct insisted we carry on the bbq plan tomoro. we'll see...

been thinking about my budget lately. i'm not so good with money. been planning to save some money, and when i finally have one, i blew it on a return flight ticket to malaysia. of course it was a really good trip, but not so good in my plan to have a saving. i know i wouldnt change my decision even if i could turn back time, so why the regret? ok, at least at the moment i have enough money to buy food. to pay my rent and bills on time. and i dont owe any money to any credit card too. just mara. and i've been very sensible in using my dad's credit card, mmg hardly use la. so why the worry? i've seen a tv programme a few nights before entitled 'skint' and it viewed on how some british people are so skint they dont even have money to feed the young ones. luckily they got benefits here, but that wont cover the house rent, plus bills to pay etc. what about in malaysia where they dont have benefits? nak carik makan bukan senang, that's what my dad used to tell me and that prevented me from using his credit card. bukan senang abah cari duit for me to just spend it on a levi jeans. tho i said i was gonna used abah's credit card to stay on the mandarin oriental hotel, the truth was that i tak sampai hati, i used my money instead. my point here is to be grateful for what you have. people who aim to have everything in life are just plain greedy. someone i know wants to become a neurosurgeon as well as a model with beautiful face and thin body, with a rich boyfriend who will be loyal to her forever. she also wants a happy marriage which lasts forever and have all the money in the world so that she can buy all the things in the world. oh ya, she also wants to be famous someday so that people can call out her name, like a superstar. plus she wants everyone to understands her and accepts her for who she is. basically she wants respect, brain, beauty, money, fame, fans, friends, honesty as well as happiness.

i might not have high aim in life and i think it's fine. everytime i face an obstacle in life, i set my priority right. i want to be married to someone who loves and accepts me for who i am. that's my goal of life. some might not share the same view with me, but do think this: when you look up for those who have better lives than yours, dont forget to look down for those who have worse and be grateful for what you have.

(just a few words?? tgk..me merepek paling merepek bile ngantuk. nite..)

yey bilik dah kemas!! siap vacuum lagi. siap burn fragrant oil lagih. bought it from teddy tales last month.

jap tgh dgr lagu belaian jiwa

oh angin sampaikan lagu ku padanya
yang sedih pilu
terimalah lagu ku jadi teman hidupmu utk selamanya..

kau tahu betapa ku sayang padamu..

hanya takdir menentukan ia..

ok, sambung balik. yup, woke up this morning to discover it's cloudy. guess we have to postpone the bbq then. seb baik tak merinate ayam smlm huh. takdo rezeki hari ini doh. decided to go netto since i dont have any plan today besides bbq. at this time, i really miss someone (not monyet dhoh). i would say to her, 'weh bosan aa, jom pie netto'. she would like, 'hmm..ok'. i would like, 'ape kate kite pie metro centre, saje jalan2'. she would like, 'hmm..ok. aku bosan gak'. of course she would say no every now and then, but that's ok cos i can still lepak2 kat bilik die, or pie dapur cari ape saje makanan yg boleh dimakan, or masak same2 ,more like me cooking and die layan me merepek, i really dont mind cooking for her. we always have things to do. if bosan sgt, pie layan dvd. or naruto, or gensomaiden saiyuki. such a good companion. people assume she's fussy ie cerewet, but i think she's sooo easy to be with. respect her space, know her way, and she'll worth every second you spend with her. i miss talking to her when the light's off and both of us were about to doze off. pok pek pok pek. i can write 1001 things that i like about her and the things that i like to do with her. miss you girl (not in a lesbian type of way huh)

snooker update: ebdon lost to murphy. bloody hell. not worth watching anymore huh

spoke to monyet this morning. he visited my family in kuantan last weekend and said my dad told him a joke:

byk2 binatang, binatang ape paling happy?
lala <-- they cant stop singing, you see

my dad can be funny sometimes.

weh bosan weh. dono what to do waaaa. sangap sgt. there's nothing else to do but eat eat and eat, and worry bout my weight later (huhu)

agak sibuk lately, with classes, assessments, presentations and work, being constipated (you dont want to know that) plus all the emotions ups and downs. kinda worried over my weight at the moment. worried over my messy room. worried over my budget. worried over my anger. i was this close (less than 1mm space between me thumb and index finger) to shout 'you super stupid bitch i hate you so much i wont talk to you forever fuck you rot in hell' to a coursemate (yup..the same girl). of course i didnt but i did feel like my head gonna explode. marah sgt sampai rase leh bunuh die seriously.

..............................................

but hey, at least i'm gaining weight, not losing weight. losing weight is good, of course, but it often happens when i got depressed, which is not good. look at the brighter side huh. at the moment i have to wear my so-called fat jeans, havent worn it for 2 years huh, so it kinda down me a bit to have to put on that fat jeans again. sigh. but hey, at least by gaining weight, it's a sign of me being happy. i'm not happy happy, but i think i dont have any major worry at the moment. i'm ok. you know what, i blame the jogging for my weight gain. when i jog, my appetite will be very good and i'll eat like there's no tomoro. exercise is not necessarily good, seriously

and having a messy room is not surprising for a student. it's a sign of me having an active life (bloody hell..trying hard to reason myself huh). and my worry over my budget, who doesnt? i've been in worse senarios before, so i think i can get through this. it's good to have a tough past, so that when you face something familiar later, you know how to handle it (camne leh jadik merepek ni huh lol). about my temper..hmm..it doesnt happen often. only once in a blue moon, and the person who i was angry at deserved to be shout at (haha mmg pun!). this girl has been getting on my nerves for 7 months now, it's a surprise i didnt shout at her earlier. fuck her. full stop. hahaha.

really hope tomoro will be sunny. we plan to have bbq tomoro. we had honey and lemon chicken and black pepper steak last saturday, and plan to have ayam percik tomoro. teringin. we had the bbq at our front yard last week (gile buat musuh ngn jiran2 huh heheh) so tomoro hopefully we will have it in one of the park nearby. ayam percik, nasi tomato, arca timun hehehe drooling...


makan-makan! 23 April 2005, depan umah.

the world snooker championship is on the tv at the moment. am a sport event addict. can watch sports forever and it's good to have someone to watch it with (cheer to ct! and yus too, of course). one sport i dont watch is football. cant see the logic of 22ppl chasing a ball. a. ball. donno. not my stuff huh. back to snooker, it's sad to see top players like o'sullivan and hendry lost at quater finals. they ARE very good, compared to other players who makes mistake every now and then, but even top players have bad days. like, usually a match lasts for 3 days, 8 games each to a total of 25 games on the 3rd day. these top players were good, they even led 9 to 2 at the end of the 2nd day, but then on the 3rd day they lost it. it's like some day they were REALLY good, like 5 centuries straight, but on a bad day, they were REALLY bad. while other players remain consistent, miss bola every now and then, and took advantage over other people mistakes. tu yg tak best tu. so currently in semi-finals, murphy (a plump round face guy) is playing against ebdon (former 2002 champion), and stevens (bolehlah) is against mccollough (veteren player). dono who will win, but my bet is on ebdon.

watched the hitchhiker's guide of the galaxy yesterday. a very british film. lots of dry jokes. not bad, but not my cup of tea. the interpreter on the other hand, was rather impressive, i think. i am sooo in love with sean penn. i know i know he's not the best looking guy in the world, but his acting is soo bloody good! nicole kidman is good, as expected of her. i think the plot and script are good too though some people might not agree with me.

kinda sedih over my favourite shoes. it has a hole. it has been a very good pair of shoes to me for 3 years and i like them very much. now i have to wear the shoes that mama bought me last year. the thing is, the new shoes are bright yellow. bright. yellow. all. over. it was mama's choice initially, for herself (she's kinda obsessed for funky sport shoes) but they didnt have her size, so she got herself a black pair and offered me the yellow one (more like tuk puaskan hati die sbb tak dpt the yellow one). me was like..jgn tolak rezeki muahaha. but it's bloody bright yellow. but it's better than to have to buy a new pair of trainers. pakai je la. am still wearing the koyak shoes tho..

ape lagi ape lagi. ngantuk ngantuk. oh ye, monyet pengsan smlm mase die derma darah. MUAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHH MARI GELAKKAN DIE MUAHHAHAHHAHA

(sory sayang hikhikhik)

had an ok-ish weekend. sorted out my continuity patients, read up a bit and sorted out my notes. watched some good snooker matches on the tele and did some food shopping. it all went smooth..until sunday night when i received an email from an old good friend back home.

i wasnt sure what was in my head.

confused? irritated? depressed? happy? joyful? or was it sad? jealousy? it was not the feelings that disturbed me, it was all the mixed emotions that came rushing into my head in one whole bulk, and i didnt see it coming.

i had a misrable night. again, it wasnt any particular feeling that disturbed me, it was as if a whole block of thoughts came into my mind, and that it couldnt stop thinking, working, processing, whatever. my thoughts were all over the place and the emotions were just unbearable. i felt so sick and woke up several times that night, sweatish with palpitations.

i didnt know why did it affect me so much. there were question marks everywhere and i was too desperate to find the answers. to see those old familiar faces again, it disturbed me. and i didnt know why. i felt as if all those past memories came back in a sudden, in a whole bulk. i always say that i hate my past. come to think of it, i think i have more good past memories than bad ones. thanks to my friends, i did enjoy my time. i really do. my past wasnt that bad, but why did it hurt me to see those old familiar faces again?

i was soo simple back then. naive, blur, innocent and safe. my sis asked me recently, 'why do you have to be soo difficult, fussy and complicated?' i dont know. i blame my head. it wont stop. sometimes i wish i could just take some tablets to stop it ticking, just for a while, for me to have a quiet and calm moment. why am i soo complicated? we are expected to have obstacles in life, and i've known and understood this for a fuckin looong time, 'life is not always a bed of roses', and we are expected to just carry on. or normal people are expected to carry on. another girl i know has a difficult job but she continues working nevertheless. there are bills to pay, mouths to feed. they have to do things that they dislike. but they continue nevertheless. i wish i can to that. i knew i was that kind of person in my past. i had misrable times in my teens, but i continued nevertheless.

after a misrable night, i forced myself to go to the hospital this morning. it was a rainy morning, with dull greyish sky. fine. the bus was late this morning and i arrived 7 minutes late. and i got to fill the 'late arrival form'. fuckin pissed off. it wasnt my fault that i dont have a car, and i couldnt control the weather and the traffic, could i? assholes. i couldnt bear all the emotions in my head; i spent lunch in the library, trying hard to pour down all my thoughts and emotions on a piece of paper, trying hard to stop those tears from falling down. i jogged later this afternoon, running as fast as i could, as far as i could, the more i think of my life, the faster i ran. with a tired body, i hope to have a better sleep tonite.

i dont want to be a complainer nor a whinger, but i do hate my life, i really do, but i'm trying hard to continue nevertheless. i think. i hope. i wish.

the truth is i miss my past. for something that is impossible to have, i tend to hate it. i miss my old self. i miss those old familiar faces. i miss their company. i am lonely.

and today i..... ponteng. good for me, not good for the course. but hey, i got 3 different continuity patients to type up so i'm going to do some work + reading too. this week has been an exhausting one; went to alnwick twice and had to work on wednesday too and started my after-class library session + jogged. i hope to sort out my life and have a certain routine to keep myself busy and keep my mind off stupid and unnecessary things. all of these are good for my mind, but tire my body out. i'm not that fit huh, i still have sore thighs after went jogging last tuesday. need to keep fit need to keep fit. the weather has been nice nowadays (but certainly not today and yesterday, wonder why hmm) and i hope to jog at least twice a week (dream on) but it's all depends on the weather.

have i told you that i work on wednesday? i mean paid work. i thought i was jobless after the practice manager told the other girl who work with me that the surgery didnt have any more medical notes to be summarised thus no more work for us to do (aka the surgery dont want us). i thought the same applied to me but mama insisted me to call them, mainly to say thank you for having me for these past few months. i called them on tuesday and hey, they want me to continue working for them!?? they said i did a good job and worked harder compared to the other girl (see... money does motivate me muahaha but i do like the work) and that they offer a permanent post for me up to until i graduate (yup, they said that). i know it's just part time, but a permanent one. niceee... but they can only afford to pay me 6 hours a week and no more saturday session. that's fine with me, i can say 60% of the reason for me working is to fill up my time (the rest..money la dhoh) so now i'm kinda worried for the weekends. should i get a 2nd job? monyet said to put my study my priority, of course i do, but too much free time leave me with my pyjamas and not brushing my teeth all day. not good what... i can have all sunday for myself, but definitely need to fill saturday with something. volunteering work? interesting.. but it definitely cant fulfill the 40% reason of me working. to help human kind? hmm...(nah..muahha) fine i'll think about it.

what else to write? oh yeah.. i just notice that some friends dont like to be contacted. it's like 'oh fine i know you exist and that we used to be friends but at the moment let just stay as an acquaintance'. hmm.. fine. and i just happen to realise that i do that too! especially to my old friends, especially especially to dear old school friends. maaf ye. i know some of them are eager to keep in touch and even try to organise various gathering. and i believe those friends who dont like to be contacted will have their own reason, and i have mine too, i think.

it's hard to explain, no, it's not as hard as i think it is. i dont like and never will like my past old self and that all the things (or ppl) who remind me of myself in the past, i will try to avoid. i just hate it whenever i meet an old friend and that they say how much i have changed compared to my old self; how fair and smooth skin i have now (yeah..how dark, oily and blemished my face was back then), nice figure i have now (yeah.. me being fat, fat and fat back then), how matured i am now (yeah.. childish me who wrote stupid love letter 8 years ago to a stupid guy who refused to talk to me until now to 'prevent' me falling in 'love' again with him - mati pijak gajah aa nko) and how unbelievable for me to get a guy to remain committed to me (yeah.. me so damn ugly in the past it is impossible for me to get a guy to even look at me). and this one; how i've changed 360 degree from my old self, me not even wear a scarf now, hint hint maybe because of the oversea shock. fine. FINE.

hmm you must have known me inside out back then to be able to say that. whatever. i'm not going to produce any defence; i'm just too tired of being angry. to those old friends who prefer not to keep in touch, i totally understand you. you might have your own reason, and i totally respect that. and for those who think they are the person whom i refer to, think again, it might not be you and please jgn cepat terasa (dhoh, people cepat sgt terasa nowadays, 'oh it might be me, it might be me' and then ask me directly whether they are the person whom i refer to. like i'm gonna the honest dhoh muahahha

i did exactly what i intended to do yesterday. it was a super duper lazy day! i stayed on my pyjamas all day, and stayed on the bed most of the time. heaven heaven aaahhh....

after a very relaxing saturday, i woke up early today to get shower, nope langsung tak mandi smlm, not even brushing my teeth ;p muehehhe. plus today i have to visit a hip fracture patient up to alnwick, it's almost halfway to edinburgh huh. a sunday visit? you might think i am a rajin gaban nyer student, but the real fact is that i should have visited this lady before easter break, and that was 5 weeks ago, and now the consultant has already asked about it and now is the time to panic. and this patient has moved to 2 different hospitals and now is in a nursing house up way north in alnwick. what to do what to do kene aa pigie gak

of course i know everything that happened a few weeks ago is indeed a memory, and it's just my stupid side of brain trying to tegakkan benang yg basah muahaha. stupid and annoying and complicated, yet interesting and funny side of my brain, i think muahaha

finally FINALLY i managed to talk to monyet. his handphone broke down since monday and havent heard his voice for 6 days makes me crazy! i need to talk to him to keep me insane..logic tak? muahaha. this is the last thing that i what to do; emotionally dependent to others..i hate it..but some things are beyond one's control. you know what, i think most of the blame are on monyet; who ask him to be soo bloody damn nice to me? huh. i was spoilt, i mean giler punyer spoilt by him, of course i like it, but i hate it too at the same time, see what happens now? i become emotionally dependent to him and now he is not here, obviously, and sapa susah skrg? bengang bengang (but at the same time...sengih gak..confused confused)

i spent nearly half of my time back home with him. we went to genting together, in my effort to find a cold place away from kl, tak berjaya pun, genting is not as cold as i imagine it would be. the next day we headed to machang, to his parents house. woo hoo you cant imagine how i felt at that time. spending a night in my future in-laws house...shudder shudder. it turned out to be ok. his mum was nice and friendly, and his dad was the quiet one. monyet got his look from his mum, but most of his personality he got it from his dad. i know it's not a very big deal for most of us to meet our future in-laws family, but for me, it IS a big deal. my mum always has this small talk, every now then, about how important it is to be well accepted in my future in-laws family. she forbids me to go to machang for a long time, 'important for my reputation' she said, and i dont have a clue what she meant, but it indeed gives me shudder to even think about it. what if they dont like me? will monyet leave me if his family doesnt like me? and with this so-called 'my reputation', how should i do it? i got thousand tips to meet my future in-laws family, even from the girl who did my facial a week before i went to machang (yup, my mum prepared me mentally and physically, 'you'll look bercahaya seminggu lepas facial, providing you put this and this on your face and do this and that, eat this and that bla bla bla). all of these scared me even more. i have to please these people, and i'm not sure how. monyet plak being a typical guy, 'oh you'll just be yourself, the way that i like you best'. and being on my pyjamas all day and not brushing my teeth? i dont think so.

first rule - listen more, talk less. hmm i can do that. it's like listening to a patient. smile, listen, nodding, be polite and let the patient does most of the talking. and the fact that everyone in monyet's family talk (very) thick kelantanese accent, and i dont understand a word, and they dont understand mine as well, hmm not sure this helps or not. i did listen, and i listened hard and tried to understand the best i can. luckily monyet's mum was soo nice, and my kitchen skills wasnt that bad, i think it went well, i think, i hope.

second rule - woke up early the next morning. yup, i did this, in fact earlier than everyone else and his mum said 'oh lom subuh lagi' muahahha. but my nose bled that morning like hell and i hope she didnt think anything bad.

third rule - keep busy, dont even sit. so i kept myself busy, basuh pinggan, lap meja, sapu sampah etc etc. monyet said he never saw me being soo 'nice, appropiate, rajin, mithali'. whatever sepak kang

and monyet helped me a lot. he helped me get used to his family, and i forever thank him for that. monyet once said that mother-in-laws can never be the same as our own mother, and i thought 'why not?'. they are like our 2nd mother. if we treat and respect them like our own mother, then they will treat us like their own (i hope). well, that's what my mum told me, like a thousand time. my mum treats monyet like her own, of course ade sket janggal, but she likes monyet, especially for the way monyet treats me, her daughter, well. and the fact that my mum's mum passed away 12-13 years ago, my mum has been pretty closed to her mother-in-law (my dad's mum). and my grandma treats her well too, sometimes better than her own daughter. so i guess all my mum wants is for me to be happy and bahgia.

after spending a night in machang, me and monyet went to a 5-hour journey to kuantan ie to my parents house. i couldnt help but to imagine this is what it would be like in a few years time (i hope, amin) during raya time. journey from one family in machang, then to kuantan. i love the time we spent in the car. i can talk all the things in the world, and monyet is more than happy to listen. he is indeed weird; i cant imagine such person exists, who doesnt like to talk but would love to listen me merepek. i mean, real merepek muahhaha. and we spent 2 nights in kuantan, at my parents house. having spent 5 days non-stop, all day with monyet, this was really the highlight of my break.

i am pretty sure now that this is a memory, not a dream

there are too many stories to tell, but no mood to write. i'm a bit low lately, partly because of the maha bosan tahap dewa nyer rotation, but mainly for coming back to the uk after spending my whole 3 weeks easter break at home.

i guess my main problem is that i cant let go. plus i cant seem to integrate my life. between school life and home life. between boarding school life and family life. malaysia and uk. kuantan and newcastle. engaged and single. khatulistiwa and stoopid snow on april. it was as if a dream; that i wasnt sure which one is the reality. a memory or just a dream?

i have to look at the hard evidence aka pictures to make sure it isnt a dream

it felt as if the 3 weeks were just a dream. and i cant seem to let it go.

and i was a bit confused as well about 2 weeks ago; i felt as if newcastle life doesnt exist at all, that it is merely a dream.

memories or is it just a dream?

i think i have 2 minds, both have opposite ways of thinking. it gives me headaches most of the time. i do hope i know how to solve this. both are mine, yet they are too different to each other.

like one head is really convinced it is a memory, while the other firmly believe it is all a dream.

like one head like to spend time alone, hates crowds and being antisocial, while the other is feeling very lonely inside.

like one head thinks i should eat to live while the other thinks i should live to eat.

like one head really really hate this one girl, while the other misses her a lot.

like one head is dealing with the reality, while the other cant seem to let go of the past.

this is tiring and confusing, and the other head thinks it's funny.

about 2 months ago when i did my psychiatric rotation, a psychiatrist once told the group something that gave me a shudder, as it resembled pretty much the same as what i once wrote here about me. i think it wouldnt be appropriate for me to mention which condition, nope it is not depression or anxiety stupid, it is something that i never thought of before. damn i hate psychiatry. people hates something mostly because they are scared of it. a reminder to myself.

yey it's weekend! i'm gonna be super lazy tomoro (like i'm not haha). nite nite!

my favourite picture. sob sob miss him badly sob sob

a quick one. i dont have the mood to write, just to kill some time for my 10 oclock train to newcastle.

yup, i'm back (wa wa waaaa). back to the wet and cold place called uk. arrived london last night, am now in huda's place. it's 7.21am right now, and the train is at 10. wish i could stay longer in london with huda. the flight journey was uneventful, i didnt lost my bag this time (put 3 ribbons, 2 nametags and 2 keylogs).

huda is sleeping at the moment. me, biaselah, jetlag. bangun awal gile.

i cant describe my 3-week stay in malaysia. it is beyond words to describe my feeling. i totally agree with elina; 3 weeks ARE enough. a short but packed break. i knew i had to go back. after an unfortunate event happened 3 weeks ago (where i lost my main big bulky blackbag on the train from newcastle to london, may you rot rot ROT in hell wahai si pencuri bag hantu sial), after that everything went fine. just fine. siap bawak 1 anak lembu and 1 anak monyet balik newcastle tu, tak tipu! sampai sesak2 nafas si anak lembu tu, dah tu gemuk sgt muahaha. and for the first time, i cried like a baby at the airport. you know i hate crying. but some things are just beyond your control. sayang gile kat satu mamat kelantan ni. maybe gak terjangkit from elina who also cied at the airport. hebat tu, terjangkit from heatrow to klia tuu. anyway, i guess it is worth to cry for your loved ones. if nangis tgk cite hindustan tu takyah cite aa muehehehe.

will write again soon. am sooooo determine to......ponteng tomoro's class muahahah. need to catch up my study (hey, dont blame me, i lost my bag, thus lost all my books la dhoh). anyway, a big BIG apologise for not having time to meet up old friends mase kat mesia. i cant do everything in 3 weeks, plus everyone is working/final year/mum now, so hope to have better luck on seeing you guys next time :)

lapar lapar. think i'm gonna try to find some food in huda's fridge. ciao