insecurities

2/05/2010 03:07:00 PM 2 Comments »
cant believe at almost 3-zero years old, i'm still suffering from pimples. yup, bloody pimples! i thought it mainly affects adolescents, so i guess that 'mainly' doesnt apply to me :( currently got 2 homungus pimples near my right eyebrow. painful i tell you, throbbing pain some more. dear roomate said to blame it on stress. i think i agree with her. and do you know that the older you are, the longer and the harder it is for the skin to recover? old cells do not regenerate as well as younger ones. fact.

when i used to take oral contraceptive pills, my skin was smooth. even my friends noticed it. but i'd stopped taking them for more than 4 months now, for various reasons, and i noticed the change of my skin texture within the 1st month! tried to take supplement for the skin, my mum recommended collagen pills by total image (gile mahal!) but so so unfortunate i cannot take it. those pills were huge! and my throat cannot take it. dono la what happen to my throat, even panadol pun sometimes tak lepas. if panadol i could just pecah2kan and add some water and then swallow it, but that huge collagen pills i cannot pecahkan. dono. so the point that i'm trying to address here is that my skin currently is not at its best, and i blame it on the imbalance hormones secondary to stress. can eh?

have i mentioned that i choose dark dusky pink as the colour of my room in ampang? all 4 walls. muehehehe. not sure what was in my head when i choose that colour. meda, my sis-in-law choose light baby turqoise and kak lysa, my sis choose baby blue. while mama choose light rosy pink. cant wait to go back this thursday!

hmm i think i can remember now. it happened when i went back to kl 2 weeks ago. iwan, my youngest bro, aka si mulut pedas (xsedar sakit kene cancer tp mulut still xde insuran huh) sarcastically commented on my style recently. he said ever since i went to study at a local uni up north, my style and fashion-sense had dropped down drastically. he said i dress like any other budak ipta. i admit la kan budak2 ipta's sense of dressing mmg incomparable with those who studies in ipts (iwan studies at uni teknologi petronas). dah tu my current ipta is located up north, in a state known for its conservative values. i realised when i first came here, the sort-of 'uniform' around here is to wear t-shirts (either big, long sleeved one or baby-t for those who is petite or perasan petite or perasan konon nak moden sket), with track-suit and slippers. yup, slippers, and maybe open sandals that cost on average rm20. and almost no one have handbags, except the lecturers la.

back to my brother, he said i used to play with bright colours in my dressing. on that particular day, i was wearing a dark blue levi jeans, with a dark blue short puffy sleeve, with light blue tudung, along with a pair of black 3 inch clarks wedges and a black leather wristlet by mng. he said everything was wrong regarding my attire. first, previously i wouldnt wear 2 same colours in my attire (on that day, i wore dark blue jeans and dark blue top). second, previously i would have worn at least 1 bright-coloured attire or accesories, namely red or orange or bright green for handbag, or shoes, or a top. third, he said my jeans is already worn out and that i need a new one (it is less than a year old, how can he said it is worn out?). fourth, my make-up was not great. and lists went on and on..

fine. FINE. i do admit my sort-of fashion-sense has changed drastically over the years. first and foremost, i think it's the age and maturity. i am 3-zero (soon) for god sake, would i want to wear a big red glittering sling bag like i used to? or would i wear bright 'big-bird' yellow skinny top like i used to? i'm just not a fan of those anymore. i used to love funky tops from topshop, now i just browse through them without having what-you-say 'nafsu' to buy at all. i aged, and my fashion changed. plus i'm not my old self anymore, i have changed, not just the age, i'm also a married woman for god sake, why would i want to wear like a teen? i dress like i feel like to, not because i want to follow the trend.

anyway, since he's my brother, so i managed to withold myself from slapping him, but i also admit that some of the things that he said is true. i used to love to dress up, always update my style, i still love to dress up and all sorts, but i guess my priority change. i'm back at malaysia, wear a tudung, hitting a 3-zero soon and married. above all, my body shape changed. so true. all of that made me a changed woman. i used to let my long straight (rebonded obviously) hair loose, and have it an orange top, a black knee-length skirt with a pair of calf-length suede flat boots. and of course with a bright handbag or sling bag. i used to wear a very bright orangy-red shirt dress with a matching belt, with plain back pants, and of course with a stripy red and white shoulder bag.

but i cannot wear them anymore. i dono. i cannot or would not or dont want to wear them? that is a difficult question.

the truth is, i feel old. i feel fat. and i dont like attract attention by wearing the clothes that i used to wear before.

to be totally honest, i enjoyed not wearing a tudung and letting my hair loose. i said 'enjoyed', not 'enjoy' or 'love'. i enjoyed being fun and carefree, and the attention (admittedly) and i treasured the confidence that i built along it.

wouldnt you gain more confident when people say nice things about your appearance, and some boys may even tried to woo you and the girls want to get to know you?

wouldnt you say i was more attractive in my earlier days than my present ones?





i can see the difference are miles apart, dont you agree with me? people wont even look at me twice nowadays, and that's the truth. how sad.
i know i shouldnt have this feeling, but i'm kinda sad and i dont feel attractive at all and have not-so-high level of confidence about myself. and i feel bad cos now i'm married and what for i crave for other people's attention when i have a guy who pays all of his attention to me?
no, i dont want boys to woo me or girls to befriend me, all i want is not to be invisible. i think i'm confusing myself, first i said i dont want create attention, and now i want some?
the truth is i am a very plain person in terms of appearance, and i used my fashion-sense and style to boost my self-esteem. i genuinely think i'm ugly, and not a 3-year long of counselling sessions could change that, so i believe no one in this world can convince me otherwise. some calls it inferior complex, i believe it is so although i will not use that terms.
it is actually a long and complex story to be told, but i spare you the rest. so you think you know me? well you dont.

weh, dah terbabas topic ni. where was i? yup, the event that made me decide on the colour of my room in ampang (gile jauh lari topic). so when iwan comment2 on how dull my appearance nowadays and he cabar me to use more bright colours, so i determinedly choose an unconventional colour for my room. then i got myself a hot dark pink handbag by coach (!) (thanx to mama for some of her courtesy!) and wore it the next day along with a pair of my old red leather mary jane shoes.
but now i'm literally broke :( huhu
think i'll improve my appearance now. not for anyone else, not for iwan, but for my confident. hubby said he actually agreed with iwan (huh) about my current style. hempeh. fine FINE. i'll have my revenge later. obviously i was hurt by both of them, who are they to comment on my dressing (well, actually, i think they both have the right to comment. hubby can comment whatever he wants as he is my husband, and iwan, well, he's a styl-o himself and dresses himself rather well, so in my sort-of rules on who deserves to give advice, he actually qualifies. but i do hope he would voice up his comment in a nicer way!)
cant wait to get all of my other clothes from kuantan. you see, half of my good clothes are in boxes, i myself literally dont live in one proper house. i live in a hostel with a small cupboard, so i only brought about 1/3 of my total clothes here. another 1/3 in kuantan. about 1/6 are at hubby's cupboard, and the last 1/6 are in boxes in hubby's house, along with my >50 pair of shoes and >50 handbags (mostly in boxes) that i happily (and proud!) own. muehehehe well a girl can never have enough shoes and handbag..