My World

i decided to come back a bit early to the campus, first, to clear up my head, second, to have a bit of rest and third, life does go on and thus i have to sort out my studies. so i came back this morning, tidied my room, had a good shower, then slept, and now i'm on my desk sorting things out. so far so good.

sigh. i wish it did not turn out as complicated as this one. i'm heading back home again this coming weekend. i will go whenever and wherever i am needed. that is what family is for. now i have to try to think of a way to apply for a leave for 2 working days next week. i can obviously be honest and tell the truth, but i found it hard and inappropriate to tell the others, escpecially the higher authorities about my personal problems, plus i found it impossible to be unemotional about it. furthermore, i admit i am kinda unfamiliar with how the things work around here. let's hope i figure out a way by tomoro.

i found that when i'm sad and depressed, it helps to think of happy memories. so here goes:

spent a good time with hubby, and i was so happy :). we didnt do much actually, just spent some time together, watching dvds, and i cooked for hubby too, cleaned his room and washed his clothes and tidied up his wardrobe. he who brings so much happiness in my life :)

nothing much happened over the chinese new year break. went kuantan-kl-kuantan-kl and back to kuantan again several times. my viva has been so good to me, so i thank you, dear viva la vida. oh yeah, besides that, i finally bought a psp after years of aiming to own one. everyone knows that i'm such a gadget idiot, so everyone was surprised when i bought a psp. well, i admit i'm not going to use it that often, but it would be very useful when i'm in the bus, or while waiting for the car to get its service etc.

think i shall stop now. i didnt have the mood to blog actually, but i felt like to write something. hope i manage to do some work tonite.

am blogging on the bed with hubby sitting next to me :) i almost forgot how fast broadband is, hubby just installed the broadband in his house. man it is fast! at my uni we use wifi, which is a bit faster than a dial-up that we used at home.

happy chinese new year hehe thanks to the uni i've got a week off. that's why i'm with hubby now :)

anyway, that is not the main reason i blog today. something bad, really really bad, unimaginable bad had happened recently. in fact, it was last friday when it all happened, while i was driving from kuantan to kl to meet hubby. the news was a bad and sad one, i cried non-stop that night, really grateful to have hubby to comfort me. the news was worse than death. if it involves death, almost all that is left for you to feel is sadness and sorrow. but this is not only sad, but mostly hatred. so much hatred involved. i still find it hard to believe it. everytime i wake up in morning, i keep on wondering if it was all a dream. but deep down, i know that it is bound to happen, sooner or later. if not today, it will still happen, maybe tomoro, or the day after, or next week or next year, it will still happen eventually. but i hate to admit that.

i know it is not wise for me to blog while i'm angry, so i shall stop here. there will be time for me to blog when i'm ready to write about it. one thing that i really want to say to him: has he ever thought that when he eventually died, which is not going to be that long afterall, will there be anyone there to mandikan his body? there is so much hatred in our heart now, i doubt if any of us will be there to sedekahkan you some yassin. i know i wont. that is how much i hate you.

my bm class was cancelled! woo hoo! finally i got some free time to blog. my language classes are from 5 to 7pm, that run on 3 out of the 5 working weekdays. so usually after the classes, i would have to run back to my hostel for asar prayer. i couldnt pray before the class as my afternoon course class tend to finish at 5 or sometimes even more, making me running literally from one class to another. then after the praying, showering, dinner-ing, then magrib praying, sedar2 je dah 9pm. then do homework this and that, revision this and that, then go to sleep at almost 1am. then wake up by the alarm at 6.45 the next morning, with the class starts at 8. so that is the routine of my mundane life.

anyway, that is not the main topic for today. today i was in such a foul, foul mood. i've not had this mood for quite some time, but today it was just one of the moodiest day ever. everyone seemed like asking me too many questions, stupid questions some more, so mmg nak kene la. i admit i'm a bit stressed lately, with too many things to do at the same time, then have to be at more than one place at one time, so mmg stress la. then the holiday mood has already kicked in, so no mood to do whatsoever. anyway, only 1 more day left before the chinese year year break so all i have to do is to face one more day and then before i know it, i'll be on my way back home already. yup yup keep positive elly!

ok, as usual, a holiday is not complete without its list of things to do haha. hmm i am really into making lists, am i not? so here goes..

1. IOP. individual oral presentation. it's for my spoken english class. theme given: Mysticism. what the hell am i going to talk about mysticism? i have no idea. tried the library, but seriously the library here is useless. out of the 20-something list of books i searched through its catalogue, i only found one. ONE! how can i find the right topic to present then? maybe the internet loh. but for this assignment, i would prefer a hard copy ie books. but by hook or by crook, i need to have it done by next week. think one good book from kunokuniya will do the trick. but then i have to buy it lor..

2. study group topic. i will be given a list of topic to read over the holiday for the study group session in 2 weeks time. i think it would be a good opportunity for me to study in a different way, and see if it's going to work for me or not

3. tidy up my notes. i think this would never, ever end

4. buy my turtles a new, bigger case. i think they need more space to grow huh. not sure what else to do to make them grow

5. trip to kuala selangor to visit my relatives. since our wedding, hubby and i never had time to visit the relatives to say our thanks and gratitutes. apparently that is the culture for all newly weds. we already visited hubby's side of the relatives on last raya haji's holiday, so this time, it is going to be my relatives. we dont plan to visit every single house, just my grandma's and auntie's at ijok, then my cousin at batang kali, and finally my auntie at sabak bernam. 4 houses. then we are going to stay at my family's apartment at kuala selangor. that apartment is a really nice place, its balcony faces bukit melawati and it is very peaceful indeed. i think it is such a waste no one lives there, in that fully furnished apartment. my family only used it once a year, during hari raya time. my parents sometimes do go there, about once every 3-4 months, the most.

6. my psp! hehe i'm going to buy my own psp after years and years of dreaming to own one myself. i plan to buy the red one, to match my red sony ericson handphone. initially i aimed for the baby pink one, i mean the psp, but then last month i bought a red handphone, so being a colour coordination freak, of course i want a matching psp haha. next aim: a red sony viao! hehe. that's going to be a long term aim haha. definitely after i start working..

7. moves some stuff from one house to another. first, moves my clothes, shoes etc from my kuantan house to azali's house at kota damansara. i'll be moving it myself, using my car. second, moves one fridge and set meja makan from kuantan house to azali's house. mama bought some new ones and wanted to get rid of the old ones, and all of them are still in perfect condition. third, moves some sofas from ampang house to azali's house. again, mama bought some new ones and wanted to get rid of the old ones. the ampang sofas are less than a year old, and azali and i actually plan to buy the same exact one soon as he likes that L-shaped sofas so much, then mama said she didnt like that sofas actually and wanted to get rid of it. and with no one actually lives permanently at that ampang house, so the sofas are literally still new

8. cut my hair maybe? maybe just a trim.. me like me hair so much huhu

hmm cant think of any more to add up to the list. gosh too many things to do in only a week worth of holiday!

it's true when someone told me that when you have the mood to write, but you were too busy to actually jolting it down. and when you have ample of free time to write, suddenly you were left staring at the paper with nothing to write. i'm now more conscious of my writing, it is definitely because i'm now taking a class on how to write properly. before this i tend to write whatever i want with nothing to worry about, but now there will be questions in my head whether i'm doing it in the right way.

anyway, it is the weekend, and i already have a list of things to do. so far, i managed to clean my room, did the laundry, the english homework. that's all hehe. i'll be visiting my inlaws this weekend too, so that's part of the list.

oklah, gtg. have to go to pasar malam. i love malaysia!

it has been raining all day. it is cold, outside and inside, and i'm currently wearing 2 jackets plus a blanket. i cannot do any work if i'm cold. and of course i'm having a cup of hot tea at this moment. wish i can stay under my duvey and lie on my bed..

my work is piling up everyday, despite doing work every single night. i hope to be able to catch up this weekend, i dont have any plan except doing as many work as possible. this afternoon i did my first bahasa malaysia essay for the last 12 years, gosh it was hard. i just hope i pass that class. i still hasnt even started the english essays. already finished the interview survey report just now, now i'm doing the case report which is due on thursday. lots and lots of revision to do, and this brain of mine is as tired and exhausted as it can be.

i dont think my effort to put on weight is going to be successful, yes i'm trying to gain some weight, but with all these work, which i dont think it will end, like, in a few years time, so i would have to apologise to hubby now. i was as much surprised as the rest of the world when hubby said i was thin and need to pile up some weight. i thought he was joking cos it is a well known fact that he likes to make jokes and i am not exactly thin nor small, but apparently he is serious about it. anyway, it was not that he asked me to put on weight, he just said i was a bit thin. i think i'm going to stay at this weight for some time, and hope not to lose some more, so i hope he doesnt put his hope too high then hehe

i had a nightmare last night, and it bothered me for the whole day. it wasnt a 'scary' type of nightmare, but it was scary enough for me. in that dream i had to pack and ready to return to the uk again. i was so disturbed by it, with all of the old feeling coming back to me, that i cried. i dont want to go there again, but in that dream, somehow i had to, so it made me so sad. i was glad to finally wake up and realised it was just a dream. no, i dont want to go anywhere but here, and i really hope i dont have to.

oklah, got to continue writing my case report. from my english writing class, i found out that every writer has their own style, it is unique to the writer, but it brings with it certain bad or good habits. obviously i want to improve my writing and i want to get rid of any bad habits. i think i know what they are, at least some of it, and i will try to improve it. good luck to me :)

hope it's not too late to wish HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone :)

new year resolution? hmm to work harder and even harder, to be more patient, and to be a good wife. cant think of anything else hmm..

i'm still tired from the weekend day-trip journey. i dont think i'll ever do it again. now i know the limitation of my body. i think i'm getting a fever, so i plan an early night. sigh.. too many things to do. finish one list and then come another list! i miss hubby huhu... need a cuddle huhu :(

a few hours after i post the previous entry, my brother called and told me that his wife, my SIL still had not delivered yet. she had dilated 6cm but that was 5 hours ago. she was in such a pain and the doc had advised for a caesarean. my SIL was some what phobia of having a caesarean after having heard various 'horror' stories about it from her mother, sisters and relatives, so she was quite adamant not to have a caesarean. my brother was speechless and wasnt sure on how to advise her, but he remained as calm as possible and convinced that the doc was right. it was 1 o'clock in the morning with no one else accompanying them at the hospital. he asked me to talk to his wife and i quickly, calmly yet firmly, told her the possible consequences if the baby was left too long at the pelvic position and i asked her to set her niat right. 'do it for your baby' i told her. and i said that the doc, which is a consultant obstetrician, a friend of abah's, a dato' dr some more, must have thought of all the possibilities and thought that a caesarean would be the best choice for her and the baby. she sobbed and seemed a bit shaken. she is a strong person, with a strong mind, with what they called 'keras hati' and i can understand her fear of having a surgery.

then i waited and waited. how i wish i could be there for them. my brother had not told my parents the seriousness of the situation because he did not want to worry them. later i discovered that indeed they did not know the exact story, all they know was that SIL undergone an emergency caesarean and had a baby boy at 2.03am (thursday 8/1/09). anyway, i'm really really bersyukur that everything went well and both mother and baby are fine.

i was restless the next day (thursday). i wanted so bad to go back home and see the baby and most of all, to give my support. i want to see and hold the baby, this is a baby that has the closest blood relation to me. and i dont want it to be like his sister, maisarah, when i wasnt and couldnt even be there when she was born. but i know with all the list of things that i'm accupied to do this weekend, it was not possible for me to go back. or was it? i thought hard, really hard, and finally came out with an idea. a crazy one haha. it is a possible trip, without even compromising my tasks and responsibilities as a student.

first, i set out a proposal to my roomates and friends. 3 of them agreed. then the rest of the day i spent accomplishing as many tasks as possible. at 12 midnight, i finished half of the tasks (6 out of the 12 things on the list).

after less then 4 hours of sleep, i started my journey with 3 of my good friends. it was half 4 on the friday morning. it was a quiet trip, everyone was sleepy and the road was almost empty. i'm used with the road already and did not need a map. we stopped half-way at a petronas station for toilet stop and also to straighten my back and legs. the rest of the journey was uneventful.

we arrived at kuantan at about 10 o'clock in the morning. i dropped my 3 passengers at one of the malls and went straight to the hospital after that. how surprised my brother and SIL when they saw me! i was tired but i know the trip was worth to make when i saw SIL's face, and of course, baby harith's face. SIL was still exhausted, but like what i've said before , she is a strong woman and so was eager to recover and go back home. she told me her experience, and i was more than happy to listen. among my siblings, i am closest to this brother of mine, and i'm glad that his wife accepts me as a friend, and a sister as well. she said she cried non-stop when she knew that she had to go to surgery, she did not want to but it was brother who made the final decision. but she later became pasrah and set her niat to do it for her baby. later she said she was given a sedative to keep her calm. she was concious all the time and could feel when they took the baby out of her. she was so relieved when she heard the baby cried, and the doc told her it was a boy and showed the baby to her and said that the surgery went well. then she slept after that and the rest of the day too. it was half 3 of the thursday morning when she left the operation theatre.

initially i planned to stay at the hospital for a couple of hours and leave at 12, but then my brother said my SIL was to be discharged that afternoon (friday). so i stayed a bit more and helped them packing their stuff. then we left and arrived home (our parents' kuantan home) at 2.30. everyone at home was eager to see baby harith, especially maisarah, his elder sister. obviously she could not know that the baby is her new baby brother, she's just a year and a half, but it was nice see the first gathering of siblings. baby harith has the same mouth and nose as his sister, not sure about the eyes as he sleeps most, if not all, of the time. he is a beautiful baby, obviously i'm bias haha, as he is my first nephew. his hair is not as thick as maisarah's when she was first born. his skin was fair compared to maisarah's. and he is a big baby indeed, 3.75kg, if i compare it with all the other babies that i used to hold. so, welcome baby harith yusuf, to our family, where you will be loved and cared for the rest of your life, chewah hihi

anyway, it was half 3 already and i was so sleepy and tired. took a 20-minute short nap, then washed my face and ready for my return trip. left home at 4pm, picked up all the 3 girl passangers from the mall and left kuantan at 5. the trip back home was a difficult one. i was tired as hell but was determined to return to the hostels. the 3 girls chatted with me and accompanied me throughout the journey. it was my first night journey and it required all my concentration and skill to drive. half-way we stopped once at a petronas station, and i almost asked one of the girls to drive as i was too tired. but i knew they were tired too, and it was my car afterall, plus i'm the eldest among all, plus this was my trip afterall, so it was my responsibilities to make sure all of us to arrive safely to our hostel.

and so i drove and drove, the return journey always feel a lot longer compared it to the journey to go home. and so i drove and drove and FINALLY, arrive at our hostel at half 10 at night. gosh what a trip! about 800km of journey in 18 hours! i owed it to my viva la vida, my sweet little green car. without you, it was impossible to make this trip. also thanks for my 3 companions, for your companionship, hope you enjoy kuantan town, i know you all do, from the number of shopping plastic bags that you had with you on the return journey haha.

anyway, today's saturday and it is a good, not-too-sunny day. a perfect day to finish the rest of the lists. bring it on!

as i'm writing this, SIL is delivering her second child. she went into the labour room about an hour ago and my bro informed me that she's now ready to labour. hope everything goes well...

wish i can drive back to kuantan tonite, right now, right at this moment. or at least tomoro morning. but i know i cant. i have loads, i mean, seriously, loads of stuff to do. these are the list of things that i'll be occupied doing this weekend (this also acts as a self-reminder to me):

1. oncall tomoro night. til midnight

2. list of topics i MUST cover thoroughly, i mean, from cover to cover, if not, i'll be dead meat by next week, DEAD serious. AR, ASD, HPT, M, D, ACS, UA, MI, HF, PHPT, PD, HD (due before sunday)

3. english class: draft of a short story. plot, character, setting, time, dialog etc (due on sunday)

4. english class: 600-700wrds essay of My Story (due in 2 weeks time)

5. english class: Interview survey + report (due on wednesday)

6. bahasa malaysia class (no kidding): homework (Latihan 2, mukasurat 55). (due on tuesday)

7. case report on a specially complicated case, at least 15 pages long (due next thursday)

8. my viva: need to go to perodua and order the 'fender' thingy and get it fixed (asap)

9. my viva: get it clean, seriously. do you how hard it is to find a car wash at this place? (asap)

10. pharmaco seminar notes (due before monday)

11. dermato seminar notes (due before wednesday)

12. returning library books (due tomoro)

anything else that i've missed?

see.. i've got loads, if not, tonnes of stuff to do. list 1-7 are essential, super important stuff that i cannot NOT do this weekend. so, logically, as my study always, always come first, i shouldnt go home this weekend. i'm adult enough to make a sensible decision, so that's it.

it sucks, i know. that's why i really need that fat, juicy secret recipe's chocolate brownies, like, now. i've had 2 of those already this week and i need more. and yeah, those ibuprofen too. helps everytime. this is life. full stop.

STRESS!

I'M ALL STRESSED OUT!

worked non-stop yesterday, had a few hours of sleep, then got scold some more this morning huhu too many things to do in a very short time! is it because i'm a slow worker? is it? tired like hell.. mind and body..

stress stress

.............................

got to get rid of all these stresses out of the system

calm down elly

need to clear my head

.........................

right. i need some happy thoughts

weekend is just a few days away. yey

chinese new year hols is less then 3 weeks away. yey yey

SIL already 1cm dilated yesterday, so most probably she will deliver today. triple yey! come out harith, everyone is waiting for you! hee hee hee a little voice inside my head telling me (and persuading me ever so softly haha) to drive back home, like, now. crazy! hee hee hee good idea tho. very, very tempting hi hi hi

last week was a busy one, leaving me with no time at all to post an entry. but i always prefer a full and productive week, to a lazy and boring week. but i do also need to rest this weekend haha. 4 days to go!

last week started with revision, revision and more revision. i have found a study pace/way/method that i'm comfortable with, and i plan to stick with it for the next a year and a half. it involves a lot of work, time and energy too, but it was all worth it when you open the exam papers haha. anyway, last monday and tuesday were spent to revise with only a few hours sleep, then wednesday was full with 3 end-posting exam papers, and with me half awake decided to go back to kuantan on thursday early morning. i know! hehe. i think i'm doing more random things nowadays than i did previously.

those who know me know that i dont do random things. i'm not particularly an organised person, but from what my close friends used to say, my personality is somewhat strict and rigid. i plan my day, plan my meals, plan my clothes and plan almost everything. anyway, i think i'm a bit different now, a little bit. i dunno, no one has mention anything to me, obviously because everyone around me now only know me for the last 6 months, but i do think i change a bit. i dunno. i think it is because of the age, or because of the marriage, or maybe because i'm now a much, much happier person.

yup, when i think about it, i am happier now. life now is much, much harder and busier, but it is a good kind of hard and a good kind of busy. i didnt plan to write in much detail about it all, but like what i mentioned many, many times before, life alone (in my case, abroad) doesnt suit everyone. i need to be closed with my loved ones, not only for the support and courage, it is their presence that matters most. the feeling that someone is there for you. to know that you are not alone, that is important for me.

some might think that life abroad is grand, but believe me, it is not for everyone. it maybe the best experience for some people, but it also maybe the worse for some people. some might think all these are all small and miscellaneous matters, but it is not for some. things that keep on circulating in my head at that time was 'if i dont eat tonite, or tomoro, or next week, or not eating at all, will anyone even know?' or even 'if i die tonite on my room, when would someone, anyone to even notice and look for me and then find my body? 1 day? 1 week? 1 month? 1 year?'

so obviously it was getting into my head quite badly and i turned into someone who is not me. those were hard times, or what i called 'a black hole' in my past haha. but what is important now, i am where i am belonged. life is not all beds of roses i know, and i dont expect it to be after all that has happened, but at least for the time being, right now, i am happy with my life. and i shall grab to that thought and feeling for as long as, and as hard as, i can.

anyway, as before, i did it again. i didnt plan to write about my past, i planned to write about my sudden (and tiring, not to mention, crazy!) trip back to kuantan, about when it started to rain, like everywhere, and everyday, and the flood threated my journey back that it took me almost 7 hours of driving on heavy rain to reach my campus back. anyway, i'm now safe back to my hostel, again, tired as a leaf, but it didnt matter as the trip back home was all worth the 7 + 5 hours trip, just to see some very familiar faces.

right, got to get some shower. think i should start reading the, what you call it, 'notes' that the language teacher lend me on how to write better. i dont have any problem to write, and this blog is a prove haha, but it's the structure and organisation that i'm lacked of. and to choose a topic, it is the hardest of all, seriously. in this blog, i can write whatever i want, i can jump from one topic to another, but to write, or narrate, either a fiction or anything, and get it marked, it is a totally different thing all together. ok now, how can i think/create/make up a plot for a short story of 7 to 10 pages? no idea. i've been thinking for 2 weeks now, but got no idea whatsoever. nada. ilek. i need to be creative. but it is not in my gene! got 1 more week. help!