My World

it's raining again. it's been raining the whole day. the sky is grey with no cloud seen anywhere, so i know it's going to be raining for sometime. not that i have anything to complain about.

by the way, i'm back from my weekend trip. it was a great one. no, we didnt manage to go to a fancy restaurant to celebrate our 2nd monthly anniversary, but it was great nevertheless. i managed to get most of the things and do the stuff that i planned from the trip, except that i forgot to buy reader's digest that my english teacher asked to get, besides that, it was a successful trip. i even managed to get the turtles a new type of turtle's food, complete with vitamins and mineral, so hopefully they can grow more healthily this time around.

didnt plan to write the details of the trip, except that it was wonderful to be back to the city and enjoyed the megasales. managed to grab a pair of nice shoes and a mobile phone (hubby too, he got exactly the same one, except that his is black, while mine is red). most of the time we were out here and there from one shop to another, and hubby was so kind to accompany me browsing the sales (and drooling over shoes and handbags hehe). he and i know that i'm such a city girl, who need to go to shopping malls on a regular basis haha. and i also managed to 'dress up' everytime we went out, with make-ups and me pointy shoes hehe. there is where i belong.

ok ok back to reality. got to do lots of revision for the end-posting exams on wednesday, i've got today and tomorrow to finish it all. good luck to me!

need.. more.. space.. i.. cant.. breath!

just finished my 3rd language classes. 3 classes! i know! dont ask me, i'm not that crazy to take that many classes outside my course, unless if it's compulsory. i know! apparently it's a must to take a few extra classes as a compulsory requirement to graduate. i know!

need to take all the stresses out of my system...

right. i did 2 out of 5 compulsory courses last sem, sat for the exams and thankfully passed both of them. now for this sem i have to take the remaining 3 classes, meaning there will be 3 out of 5 days in a week that i will finish at 7. i went to all 3 classes this week, what can i say, one is dead boring, one is okay-ish and the other one is so very interesting that i'm eager to start working right away. and this week is not a good week to start 3 new courses, with the end-posting exam coming up, with lots of presentations to do, thus i was as tired as a leaf for the last few days. i need to catch up on my revision, like, really soon. and it doesnt help with the fact that i'm going to kl to see hubby this weekend.

sigh. i know i shouldnt say things like that. i know i'm capable to do this. i can definitely do this. i will just have to organise my time. hubby promised to accompany me studying for next week's end posting exam, he knows how important this course is for me and i know i will get his full support all the way.

talking about this weekend's trip, gosh i cant wait! i miss hubby like crazy. it's our 2nd month anniversary this thursday you know, so obviously i want to be there with him. think i'll ask him to bring me to a nice restaurant for dinner. knowing hubby, i know he will not prepare anything haha (hubby: hah? bile anniversary? khamis ni? err kene sambut every month ke? eh dah 2 bulan ek?). anyway, that thursday also he asked me to accompany him to a friend's wedding. me like wedding! good food and happy faces with good dresses too. but damn, all my fancy clothes are at kuantan. self-reminder: should start move some stuff, esp clothes to hubby's place at kl. maybe can do that during chinese new year hols next month.

talking about fancy clothes, i lurvveeee dressing up. with my heels, and make-ups, with matching handbag, and the oh-so-nice dress. i have a few nice dresses that was inspired by the sex and the city drama hehe. i love seeing carrie and co all wearing dresses and really nice shoes and handbags. but being in a place where i live now, i dont think it's even possible to wear kitten heels without attracting attention. i think i'm the only one who wear red-coloured crocs, actually i have yet to see anyone at all wearing crocs in this place. i also think i'm one of the minors who wear a compact and a lipstick to class. one guy in my group once asked me why did i wear lipstick. ..s.t.u.p.i.d.q.u.e.s.t.i.o.n.m.a.k.e.m.e.s.o.p.i.s.s.e.d.o.f.f..

when hubby first met me after i came to this uni, i was wearing a typical student attire: a big collared t-shirt, a camel-coloured pants and with my tudung selempang, and holding my purse and mobile on one hand. he said i looked so different from the person that he knew. i admit i tend to change my attire in order to mix well with the surrounding, because i dont want to be the centre of attention. to be in a limelight is the thing that i hate most. even in my class, anywhere, everywhere, i would sit in the middle, not in front, not at the back, just exactly in the middle. i like not to be noticed.

anyway, i tend to adapt myself, physically and mentally, to the surrounding. when i'm here at the campus, i'll have my t-shirts, my flat shoes and plain pants. but one thing i cannot make myself to wear is baju kurung. i dont have anything against baju kurung, i just dont like to wear a kain. it's too, how you say it, 'windy' haha or too freely. and being a totally independent person, i need a pair of pants to move around fast and quick, and i cant do that if i'm wearing a long skirt, can i? of course i still can, but it would be too ugly to view haha. so i very seldomly wear baju kurung in the campus, think i havent worned one for the last few months. to my surprise, some of my groupmates noticed this and asked me about it and i wasnt sure how to respond.

ok back to the topic. however, if i'm outside, i'll be a totally different person, with my ironed blouse and scarf, with heels and handbag (btw, no one in the campus is wearing a handbag, except the staff and lecturers la obviously, i stopped wearing one ages ago huhu), with make-ups and everything, just like what a lady of my age would do. and i will speak in a differently manner, more formal and matured, just like a 28-year-old lady will behave. so how would i explain it to those who asked me why i was quiet most of the time, and didnt seem to join in the conversation? well, it's because all you talk about is about your crush, and her crush, and this artist and that singer, while all i want to talk about is about the recent tanah runtuh at bukit antarabangsa and whether hillary clinton is the best candidate for the us's secretary? but obviously i didnt say like that la haha.

anyway, it's not my intention to critisize the people around here. i'm just saying that as an older student around here, it is a bit difficult for me to adapt and mix with the surrounding. i know i dont have to, i have a personality of my own, but i also dont want to stand in the crowd. but one good thing come out of this, is that 9 out of 10 person who discover my real age, they came to me and said i dont look my age and that i look really young. tee hee hee that make my day everytime :D

cant believe i forgot about SIL's due date next friday! already bought bus tickets to kl to meet hubby on next weekend. hmm camne ye? obviously i want to be there, preferably while she is still in the hospital to deliver. baby doesnt come that often in my family (my sis and i... long story haha) so i want it very much to be there during the delivery. obviously not DURING the delivery LOL, but to wait at the hospital. macam best aje hehe. i very seldomly come to the hospital, any hospital, as a visitor, never as a patient haha, i always come as a professional (ok ok as a student, but a medical student IS a professional right? haha). anyway, might have to persuade hubby to drive to kuantan when SIL decides to deliver (more likely, when the baby decides to be delivered). dont think he would like the idea, cos it would ruin our plan to spend time together, plus he takes a day off somemore, but i cant be too sure, hubby do sometimes acts and thinks differently from what i anticipate. anyway, not sure yet whether SIL will INDEED deliver next week, friday 26/12 is her expected date of delivery, but it can be any days before or after that date. but from her first child, she delivered EXACTLY on the expected date of delivery. so all we can do now is wait and see. oh how i wish i can be there at the hospital to see and hold the new baby! btw the baby's name is harith yusuf. dont you think it's a beautiful name?

so. weekend. what did i do? went here and there to find my turtles' food! i thought there was some left and planned to buy their food next weekend when i go to kl. then yesterday only 4 pieces left! went out to 4 different pet shops and clinics, 2 of them run out of stock, 1 closed and i couldnt find the last one haha. so had to get some from my roomate (she got a turtle too, a super fat one haha). so today i went out again and finally found a pet shop that sells some. fuh. one thing that i'm kinda worried about my turtles is that they just dont grow. i've had them for 5 months now and they hardly grew not more than 3mm in length. i know! but they do eat a lot. and berak a lot juga! my roomate bought her turtle almost at the same time as me, but she bought it at her hometown at temerloh, and her turtle was initially almost the same size as mine, but now her turtle is almost twice the size! i know! makan tonic ape ke haha. anyway, managed to talk to the animal doc just now at the pet clinic where i finally bought the turtles' food, she said most probably my turtles belong to a group of turtles that grow slowly. she said turtles have many types and they might look the same when in fact they belong to a totally different group. i think she might be right. my turtles dont look sick, they are quite active themselves, eat a lot, berak pun byk haha. i hope she is right, i do want the turtles, kenshin and kaoru, to be healthy and live as long as it is possible for them to live.

just received a delightful news; my sis gave me an all-ready-and-printed wedding album! it's in kuantan now, and my bro and mum said it is pretty, with it's black casing and everything. it contains pictures of my akad and reception etc all in one album. how nice of her! i know it is quite expensive to get it printed AND make an album of it. not sure how can i repay her back. tapi takpe, die baru naik pangkat jadi senior IT executive haha (think she'll kill me if she found out i put that here haha) so of course la naik gaji kan. so i guess i'm not getting the new crocs then (she promised to buy me one after she found out she got promoted), well, i can get the crocs myself, but this wedding album is surely priceless :) thanks sis

my hair is getting too long, but i'm loving it too much to even trim it. hmm lets wait for hubby's opinion when i meet him next week.

oklah got to go. i hate going out at night, to drive somemore, but i have to do something rather important. well, makan angin sket. oh yeah, did i tell you how great the viva is? hehe my viva la vida. btw it's one of coldplay's song, in case you were wondering.. good weekend everyone!

am alone in my room. bliss! as much as i enjoy the presence of my two young and carefree roomates, being on my own is a thing that i've always enjoyed. it's the day before the weekend, so nobody is in the mood to do any studying. one of them has gone back home already for the semester break. the rest of the campus has got between one or two weeks or a month worth of semester break, it's depends on the courses, while yours truly got none. NONE! but i should not complained, like what dear hubby said, for i choose this course, this pathway, myself. he is indeed a straight-to-your-face person huh.

sometimes it's funny when i think of how life turns out to be for me. turning 28 and still pursuing a study. with the surrounding people so young and carefree, with nothing to worry about but their crushes, their boyfriends, break-ups and make-ups. while i'm all married! haha. altho i'm living in a hostel, with the rest of the students, but i can see that my mind and thinking are different. i'm 28 for godsake haha with a 7-year experience of being a total independent, so it's not a surprise i sometimes feel a total misplace for being where i am now. my goals are different than theirs. my responsibilities are different than theirs. my passions are different from theirs.

i'm too independent. i dont wait for others just to get our lunches together. i go to classes on my own. i own and drive my own car, and i go anywhere i want, preferably alone. i settle my bills myself, go to the tailors mayself, go to see the mechanics myself, drive to and back again to kuantan, or anywhere i want to, mostly alone. not that i dont want a company, it's just i'm used to do it all by myself and i dont want to burden other people with my tasks. as long as i'm capable of completing a task, i'll do it. by myself.

my husband is so far the only human in this world that i welcome a help from. he is an exception. i myself not sure how it turns out to be like that, cos i always, always prefer to do things on my own and that i'm very independent. it's one of the many reason why i chose him. i used to wonder why did we had such a long engagement, there were never any big arguments or problems between us, but the marriage part came on rather late. there is no specific explanation for this, obviously there was this 'unfinished' study of mine that might have cause the delay, but i dont think that played a huge part. there's always me and him, and him and me, so why did we took a long time to tie a knot?

this is when i realise the magnificient work of the Almighty. we plan, He plans and He decides too. i realise that our very long engagement was for us to know each other really well. sound silly, but it does make sense for a person as complicated as me. i cant say there is anyone out there who come to know the real me, except my husband and maybe E, a dear friend who used to stay in the same house with me for 6 years. see how long it takes for someone to know me? even the one person who knows me the longest said to me once that sometimes she doesnt know me at all and cannot predict what'll i do next. my mum that is.

anyway, for all these years that he knew me, and i knew him, it was the time needed for him to accept me, and vice versa. and to tell you the truth, i dont think we would have lasted if we werent officially engaged, for i was such a fickle-minded person, had such a low self-confidence and too independent to accept someone into my life. to break-up with a boyfriend is not the same as to break an engagement. yup, we did have our ups and downs, believe me we did and still do, but our jodoh is kuat and hope that it will last as long as we live, amin.

anyway, it wasnt my intention to write yet another entry about my relationship. i was thinking about my independent life as an older student, but when i started to write it turned out to be about something else, as you can see. ah well, what's written is written. i do think it's a bliss for not knowing who my readers are. and i prefer it that way. i prefer my comment box remains empty, and that most of my readers know that by now. and i always feel extremely uncomfortable to have a conversation regarding the entry of my blog. ignorant is indeed a bliss.

oklah, i plan to re-watch the sex and the city the movie after this. and i'll imagine E is sitting next to me, with the heater's on next to our feet, with us both wearing our fleece robe, mine was bright red and hers was kotak2 pink, she would have a mug of hot coffee with her and i some hot chocolates. then we would drool over the dresses and shoes and handbags collections that they had in that movie. miss those times. miss her.

one of the favourite thing for me to do in late afternoons is to enjoy some minum petang. ideally some goreng pisang panas with teh tarik. or jemput2 ikan bilis with teh o. it would be best to prepare the food myself, as it would be extra hot and fresh from the kuali. however, since i'm living in the hostel currently with no cooking facilities whatsoever, so all i can do is to buy. unfortunately for the last 6 months i'm here, i have yet found a stall that sells good goreng pisang (i dont think there is such stall that sells jemput2 ikan bilis haha). for some reason the local people doesnt enjoy minum petang as much as the people at the other part of the country. for instance, in the place where i live in kuantan, there would be pisang goreng stalls for every 100m or so. i can even chose which type of pisang i want, my personal favourite is pisang nangka. but here, in my current place, i havent found any pisang goreng stall. maybe because this part of the country is famous for its consumption of rice; they would have rice even for breakfast. so i guess i have to accept this fact.

anyway, on a different note, i went back to kuantan last weekend. 2 trips in a month. planned to get the bus but they were all sold out. totally forgot about the extended raya haji weekend. so i drove. what's the use of a car if it cannot bring you to one place that you want to go? and so i drove, leaving my hostel at 4 o'clock in the morning. i 'overestimate' (or is it 'underestimate'?) the traffic.. there was none on the road! quite scary i tell you huh. gelap gelita with me using high beam light most of the time. alhamdullilah i managed to arrive safely at kuantan, but i promised myself not to travel as early as 4 am again, at least not if i'm travelling alone.

so far, i always travel alone. dono, for some reason, no one wants a lift. but i admit my friends and acquitances here at the uni are very limited. i think i only know the people in my group, a few people in my year, my roomates and their friends, my first year friends who i met during our orientation week, and i think that's all. i dont think it would be more than 40 people haha. and among these people, none are from kuantan. so no wonder no one wants a lift! haha. but to tell you the truth, i dont mind driving alone. it surprises me when i realise how much i enjoy driving. it sharpens my awareness and reflexes, but most of the time i dont have to think. so it rarely tires me. plus the trip back home from my uni doesnt use the highway, mostly it uses normal road, from town to town, village to village, and the last 150km or so it will go through jalan felda where it would be straight and car-less, meaning i can speed and act as if i was the king of the road haha. the only unwanted effect on using these kind of roads is that there are no phone and radio receptions. and being a car-less route, it kinda dangerous if you travel alone and if your car broke down. i hope this doesnt happen to me tho..

..especially now since i'm driving a new car. as promised, i'll write a thing or two about this new car of mine. it's a viva 1.0 fully auto. sorry, but i've already set in my mind that my manual driving skill was only for the driving test with the jpj people, so currently i lost the skill to drive manually haha. it's green in colour, and i've decided a name for my car (typical of me). it's viva la vida. raise hand if you know what is it! or at least heard that terms mention before? i bet you rm1k that if i ask a 100 people in where i live now, they wont know nor heard the name 'viva la vida' before. i'll tell you in my next entry haha. anyway, viva la vida a good upgrade from my previous kancil. i didnt say the 'best', but it was a good upgrade nevertheless.

first and foremost, this viva has a stereng power, which is great and very much appreciated. the kancil has none, so agak sakit sket la if you want to u-turn haha. obviously the viva is smoother in many ways, no need for me to write the lists. however the kancil has a turbo engine, and when you drive, you feel a certain satisfaction, especially with its acceleration and the sound produced. only those who had driven a turbo engine before would understand this feeling. while the viva is much milder, sleekier. and this is not a bad thing. as a girl, i would prefer the mild viva compared to the wild, untamed (haha) kancil with a turbo engine.

but obviously you cant forget your first ones that easily. i owned that kancil for the last 6 months, so obviously it would have a certain place in my heart. and that kancil is still at the car pouch in kuantan, so i still see it every now and then, and this makes it hard for me to let it go. but it's not up to me to decide. and maybe i'm grateful for not having the right to decide. i'll just take care the best i can any car that is given to me to use. i think it's better this way. it's hard for me to feel the 'ownership' feeling as i didnt chose nor pay for the car, i feel it is lend to me, ie i 'borrow' it from my dad, altho the geran stated it is mine.

anyway, it's almost maghrib already and i have yet taken a shower. i'll be going home to kuantan again really soon, first, for my SIL who is already due for the delivery of her second child so obviously i would like to be there to see the baby, second, for the support i can give to my family, especially to her. situation at home is getting critical, and all i can do is to give my full support. this is the time when we have to unite and support each other and care for each other. may Allah give us strength in overcoming this obstacle, amin.

lets put any sadness aside, shall we? it's eid afterall.

selamat hari raya aidiladha

for the first time i spent this raya with my in-laws. i've been lucky so far, my in-laws have been so good to me, and i'm grateful to have them as a family. last year raya haji was a sad one. i was left alone in kuantan, no one was care enough to bring me along with them. mama even didnt speak to me for several weeks. i was all alone on that sad november day, all for a reason best not to mention here. like i said, lets just put all the sadness aside. but it's still quite hurtful when i remember those times. family can be quite cruel and hurtful when they want to, cant they?

anyway, hubby came back for this raya, and that surely something that i would always looking forward to. i still have the same old feeling, the palpitation, the giddiness, the butterfly-in-the-stomach, and all those whatever-you-named-it feeling, whenever i'm meeting him. and when i finally saw his face, there is a relief and gratefulness that he is safe from his journey, and that he's coming back to me. just thinking about him, like right now, make me smile, on my face and in my heart. the best feeling ever is when you love someone so much, and that someone loves you the same. i'm so so so grateful to have found him, and to have him in my life. gosh, he surely owns my heart.

whenever you're sad and down thinking of something, it's best to remember all the happy things that happen around you. he who brings so much happiness in my life, that he is :)

anyway, before these eyes start to wet, lets just get some food comfort, shall we? got some ketupat daun palas and lauk daging korban that my mother-in-law bekalkan tadi. she is such a good person, that she is. thank you for treating me nicely, just like your own daughter :) i'm grateful to have you as a second mother :)

for the first time in my life, i want someone to be dead. literally. along with the 3 bitches. and the irony is that i've never met any of them. and do not judge me. cos if you know the exact reason, you will have the same wish as i am. believe me.

......................

need to get this anger, hatred and sadness out of my system...

... that made me decide to drive back home and drive back to my place the next day. in total i drove for more than 1000km in less than 24hrs. but it was well worth the time and effort. i'm not in newcastle anymore, i'm now well within drivable territory, and that if i want i can go home, or anywhere i want. not even hubby can do anything to change my mind. i am here now, and i will always be here for those i love and care most.

didnt even have the desire to write about my new viva. yeah, i drove back with my new car. will write more about it when i have the mood.