1/23/2006 05:45:00 PM 0 Comments »
i'm alright. still a bit shaken tho, but i'm fine. it is not possible to write about it in this blog; it is too personal. altho i hope to pour it all down here, on second thought, dont think i want to, cos it will be painful to read it again next time. and again, because this blog is not anonymous, i think it would be for the best to not pouring all what is in my head.

back to my life. life does go on, no matter what.

it is the 4th week of the option. my supervisor is on holiday this week, so i am free like a bird. i wish. altho i can be free if i want to (but) i'm attached myself, unofficially, to another geriatrician. she is nice too, like other geriatricians. but she only has 2 clinics a week, so i am still a bit free. i am not complaining, but this whole 4th year makes me kinda layzee. and i hate this timetable-less thing. i work best with a fixed one, with fixed routines so that i know when should i come and what should i cover. i guess that life after 3rd year would be like this from now on. i have to find the consultant myself, clinics and ward rounds to attend. it is heavily depended on my own initiatives, and that is the hardest part since i dont have the greatest motivation.

weekend went alright. nadine was here, and i was grateful to have such a good company. saturday was spent on my audit. i know i vowed to have saturday my free day, but i had to do something to keep my mind off things. then on sunday i spent some time to plan on my electives. man i hate planning and organising all of these school, formal stuff! i dont even plan and organise my life, and to organise compulsory things like my options and electives..it's really a pain in the ass. as usual, bla bla bla my own initiatives bla bla bla hassle hassle hassle! why dont they just give out a timetable on where to go, what to do, what to read. i wish! i have to send letters, make phone calls. and i havent even made up my mind on where to go!

the reason i dont organise my life is that my mind cant cope with all the expectation and responsibities. you see, with planning and organisation, come expectation and responsibities, and i cant do that. that is why i take one step at a time. but now comes another big big hassle; i have to decide whether to stay here working after grad or going back home. all i want is to finish my degree first! but since the job interview will come by at the end of this year, like it or not, i have to decide fast. and i dont like that. all i want is to finish my degree first, then think about what will happen later. i hate organisation.

gosh i am a whinger or what?

fine. FINE. i am annoyed.

fine. nothing for tomoro, like today. dragged my bum to the hospital this morning, did some audit, clerked some patients. like i am gonna do the same thing tomoro.

you know what? think i want to read again. it was my last year's resolution to read more, i mean fictional books, and last year i did read some books. but somehow at the end of last year i lost my will to read. fine, i will try to read again