My World

alo

it's been a week since my last blog. i was bored like hell back then, luckily there were 2 nice people to accompany me at newcastle. everyday i go to work, work really hard and make really good money, then come back home to cook. it's like an adult's life (mind you, i'm a student, adult is someone who works for a living).

on friday i decided to go to edinburgh to join some old college friends, since my work place is closed for the christmas. it was good to catch up with them, gossiped (+bitched hehe) about some other old collegemates. i spent 3 nights there, and every night we just couldnt stop talking and gossiping. i'm not the kind of person who like my past; i'm the worst in keeping in touch. but the trip was really good. a really really good friend of mine from london was there too, it made my trip better. edinburgh is beautiful. it's spacious, with lots of old historical buildings. someone told me that i wouldnt like edinburgh because of my preference of modern architecture, so i was quite surprised myself to like edinburgh. hmm..maybe it was the companies that i had while staying there that made the trip worth.

on sunday we went to livingston's factory outlet; it's just an hour journey from edinburgh. guess who i met there? i met my favouritest person in the world, ellina! best nyer best nyer. and met oja and yunie as well, which was a bonus. bought some cheap stuff there; but i think it's the companies that you have with you that makes a trip good.

i went back to newcastle on monday afternoon, along with a pair of ninewest shoes that i bought for 16quids! super cool. and guess what? i managed to drag huda to come with me to newcastle! super duper cool! she's now sleeping on my bed, bless her. she's kinda tired. and tomoro we gonna go to town to watch a movie with nadine. best best.

guess i have to log off now. it's half one in the morning. called my mum just now, to ask her about the tsunami in southeast asia. hmm..kinda tired myself. maybe i'll try to write more tomoro.

alo

malasnye nk blog. tade mende pun nk tulis. hmm..actually got a few, but dont think i have the mood to write it here. well, i'll try to put it down..

my pre-christmas osce ended last tuesday. i started working the next day. basically, everyday consists of the same thing; woke up at 9, leave the house at 9.30, catch the metro at 10, arrive at work at 10.30, stay there until 2, sometimes 4. then go back home, prepare dinner, take a shower, watch tv, then sleep. i like routine. it keeps me going. well, i hope my everyday life consists of such routine, except that it is not...

2 of my housemates went back home. i mean, home home. one in malaysia, the other one in jeddah. my 3rd housemate is supposed to stay in newcastle. then, she changed her mind and went back to malaysia 2 days ago. fine. me home alone in the house. a big house. and..honestly, this i have to admit, i'm not a brave person. at all. i still use a night light to sleep at night, yup, those tiny light used for babies or small kids to sleep.

nasib baik sgt2, (alhamdullillah 10x), got this one hamba Allah yg baik hati to accompany me duk umah ni. dia baik, suka senyum. then got another hamba Allah yg baik hati gak. so i got these 2 really nice friends to accompany me here :). and i show my gratitute by cooking dinner for them. i dont mind cooking, i love cooking, IF there is someone to eat with. i cant be bothered to cook properly for myself. i can settle with microwaved food for myself, tho actually i love cooking. so, i cook dinner for these 2 every night, i hope. but then, being some good persons themselves, they didnt want to cause me such trouble to cook every night, so we end up alternating our cook schedule. i made dinner 2 days ago, Y cooked dinner last night, and N is preparing dinner now. cool. super cool. i just love their company! think i'll remember this as one of the good memories here in newcastle.

think i got to go now. N is expecting me and Y for dinner. will jolt down more later tonite. tata. cant wait to go to edinburgh to meet some old friends! opps...forgot to call the host..hehe bel..i'll arrive in edinb at 1.36pm friday aa..can u pick me up at the train station? me never been to edinb la. will call u tonite..

haiya

just finished my pre-christmas osce. kinda tired..and lazy too! had my osce at north tees hosp this morning, so i woke up at 5.45am. haiya..pain in the ass..but i'm glad i got the earliest osce. there are soo many students in my batch this year, it's nearly 400 (that's what i heard, but not sure whether it's true or not), and some of them have to take their osce at 4pm! this paper will take about 2 hours, and if you have to take it in a faraway hosp like in north tees or james cook in middlesburgh, you can only reach newcastle back at 7pm++! ayoo.. so although i got a faraway hosp for my osce, but at least i had to do it at 9am and finished by 11.

i had mixed feeling about this exam. i was scared like hell. although this year is my repeating year, so practically i took this paper, er, 2 years ago, but the nervousness is still there. before this i wasnt prepared enough. in fact, i didnt care at all. believe me guys, if i'm in my 'dont care' mode, i just cant be bothered, with anything! one of my weakness, i might say. but i think this time i prepared myself, i think, at least better prepared than 2 years ago. and my dad used to say, 'if you're prepared, you should not feel scared or nervous'. ha ha. i actually believed that. or used to believe that. i learnt that no matter how prepared you are, exams ARE exams, they are created to assess you. of course you feel nervous, esp when it is an OSCE exam, when they monitor every single things that you do, every single word that come out from your mouth, ie they OBSERVE you. and who liked to be observed? definitely not normal person la, lain la if you are the kind of person who like to be in the centre of attraction like the osbournes ka etc. but an osce is an observal assessment, and it's the worst exam of all. i wont comment on how i did this morning, past is past, but i think this is the first paper that i gone worried after the exam. i hope this feeling will be gone soon. hey, (i'm talking to myself here), it's christmas hols, dude! not that i celebrate christmas, but a break is a break, and i'm sure i'll be busy when the term starts again on january, so make full use of your break!

ok ok, chill out girl.

so i'm officially free, until new year. i dont have any plan initially, cos, the initial plan was for my fiance to come, but then the ego issue came in, and tada, i'll be spending the next 2 weeks and a half alone in newcastle. yup, home alone. 2 of my housemates are going home, while the other has her own plan with her friends and dont think she will be around in newcastle. luckily, (yup, look at the brighter side, well, i'm trying to), i have informed the practise manager where i work that i will work full time there during christmas hols. 1) yey, of course for the extra money 2) i want to fill up my time..boring weh. then, some of my old college friends are having a mini gathering in edinburgh for christmas and new year, so i decided to join them on 24 dec and return back to newcastle on 27 dec. think it's enough. i am the kind of person who doesnt like to stay too long in someone else's place. hehe i need my own tilam, bantal etc. dono, it's just me. think that's why i dont like to travel that much. i like to keep near to my, er, habitat haha.

so, what else to do? borrowed a nice, thick fictional book from ct, for me to read. that'll help me occupied. nadine's will be around too, so i think it will be fine.

i want to write about something else too, but this entry is too long already, so it's better to write it next time.

ps:/ just like to mention something.. i sent my raya pics to my 'beloved' fiance back home. know what he said? 'eh ct lawa la hehe'. terbakar hangus2 aa.. remind me again why i got engaged with this guy?

funny funny

sory bout my previous entry..kinda jiwang..mmg jiwang pun! it's so not me, but once in a blue moon, ok la kan hehe..(still embarassed huhu)

i'm tired and sleepy, but it's just 9, think it's too early to call it a day. there is nothing what so ever on the tele, so i'm stuck with internet lah. revision? yeah, i got my pre-christmas's osce next tuesday, but i had spent the whole day, the whole week in fact, reading, revising, and practising the osce so i'm all out now. plus it's damn mad freezing outside (or is it just me?), so i'm better off under the dovey, thank you very much. tomoro's another day of reading, revising and practising, so i think i wont feel guilty for not doing anything tonite.

when i first came to newcastle, i met this one young female doctor, Dr A, during one of hari raya gathering. at that time, she was a doctor for 3 years, and coped very well in medicine world. what amazed me was that she was happily married at that time and had a young 5 years old daughter. i always have this thought that family and career dont mix well if you are a women, esp in medicine. everybody says that. it's either family, OR career. well, you can have both, but in a slower and delayed pace lah. i have a friend who sacrificed her study in medicine to do a basic science degree and became a teacher, in order to concentrate on her family. while my other friends had to delay weddings or even stay single, for them to focus on their career. if you are a guy, the senario will be totally different, of course. guys dont involve much in kids and family, well, that's the conservative malay way of thinking, and i have to admit i still have an old mind about bringing up a family. so, my point is that i never meet any young women who have both career and family (if old women tu, lain cite lah, what i mean here is women who has just started her career). i met Dr A, and i saluted her. she had became my idol.

and today, after 4 years, i met her again. she's one of the GP in the GP surgery where i'm attached to. it's pure coincidence. like, for the whole 300-ish ppl in my batch, 26 of them were sent to NT General Hospital, including me. from 26 ppl in my hosp group, we had to divide ourselves between 6-7 GP surgeries. and i had the one where she works as one of the GPs. and she's, like, the only malay GP in newcastle. when my teaching GP introduced her to me, i was overwhelmed. she's the one i looked up to for this past few years.

she's looking great. she has 3 children now, owns a house in north shield, just finishes her MRCGP exams and is due to go back to malaysia for good this january. she's one of the malay pioneer to become a GP and she's enjoying it. she explained about her career path and the future of a GP in malaysia. i was soo amazed with her story. i always know that i'm a family type of person, but i dont want to waste my degree (if i manage to get one lah). after coming back from a long break, i can now focus more into medicine and begin to enjoy every bit of it and i dont want to waste it. if you aim to be a consultant in less than 10 years after graduating, fine, i think every single qualified doctor can do that if they only focus on that kind of career pathway. if you want to build your family and forget everything else, fine, almost everyone can do it. but to be able to meet a women who balances her career and family life, it's just superb. impressive. extraordinary. she just made my day.

well, that's today. tomoro's another day. another few days of hard work, then the christmas hols! yippee!

hmm..like i have any plan for christmas hols..d'huh

good nite!

ps:/ gambar raya. got a few more, but i havent worked out how to put more that 1 pic in this blog, so need to wait and see lah huh


me with the girl in pink kurung

it was late summer 2002. i had to return to uk earlier than expected for my resits. it was hard to accept failure. most of my friends had not returned from their summer holiday in malaysia. i was stressed..and lonely. somehow i knew someone who didnt go back home for summer. he and i had such a difficult and long history together. he was my ex, and i was the one who dumped him a year before, saying that he was ugly and i was embarassed whenever i go out with him. nasty.

but i need to go somewhere after the resits. it was like a ritual for me to go somewhere else on the evening of the last paper. he and i hadnt contacted each other for some time. i apologised soon after we broke up, he accepted it, and we contacted each other about once a month. fine. i was too tired and stressed to think about that. i made my decision and called him saying that i need a place to go to take my mind off the resits. he said ok.

as planned, i went to his place on the evening of my last paper. we didnt talk much, we tried to keep it formal and superficial. we spent the next day walking around his campus and again, we didnt talk much. he was a quiet guy afterall, and i still got my mind filled with the resits. the next day, he suggested we go to a place somewhere in the midlands, where shakespear used to live. i agreed.

he said it would take us about an hour by bus to reach that place. i left it to him to find the bus and map, it was his place anyway. so we jumped on a double-decker bus and sat on the front most, right side. i sat near the window. it was a lovely late summer day. all the leaves were greenish gold. then he realised we took the wrong bus, well, the right bus but with longer journey. the driver later said that the journey will take about 3 hours. fine.

so we sat there on the frontmost sits on the top of a double decker bus. i was lost with the beautiful view. the bus went to various small villages, with various colourful moors, various small cottages. it was amazingly beautiful. he seemed to enjoy the view as well. i looked at him then looked straight back again. a very nice guy is sitting beside me, i thought. a very nice guy.

we arrived Stanford upon Avon on early afternoon. the view was breathtaking. there was a lake which separates the famous shakespear playhouse and the town. we sat by the lake and realised there were some pink swans swimming gracefully on the lake. we didnt have much money ourselves back then, so we bought a sandwich and a drink and shared them between us. we didnt talk much and spent our time enjoying the view. then we went to the playhouse and walked around town .

we decided to go back at 4ish and took the right bus this time. the journey back was uneventful but i couldnt help myself but thinking about the nice guy. this nice guy. 'my' nice guy. or was he not mine? he used to be mine but i just let him slipped away. not just that, i was cruel to him. i found it hard to give my heart away. i wasnt ready for a relationship at all, but this wasnt an excuse to be cruel. and i knew he didnt deserve that. he is such a kind-hearted guy. i looked at him again and thought, 'gosh, i think i like this guy..hm..not sure. but he's definitely gonna take good care of me until i'm old and wrinkle'. exact words. kinda funny.

a few days later i went back to newcastle. a month after that he called and said he wanted to come to newcastle. we met and he, for the second time, opened him heart again to the girl who broke his heart before. i went silent and i felt that i really really dont want to hurt him again. ever again. because he is such a nice guy and he doesnt deserve me. but i do think i like him this time. really, genuinely like him. but i wasnt too sure though. i closed my eyes and i knew he was being honest too. he was taking a great risk of being hurt again, by the same girl. we had a long talk and decided to let time decide. he went back to conventry again.

1 day. 2 days. a week. i just carried on with my life but i couldnt forget the stanford trip. and i couldnt stop thinking about him either. i made up my mind and called him. he felt the same. both of us agreed to take our relationship further, but this time, slower but serious. we visited each other at least once a month and became really close friends.

he was there when i was ill. he was there to cuddle me when i felt lonely. he was there when i was down. he was there to hold my hand. he was there to wept my tears. he was there to listen whenever i need someone to talk to. he was there too when i had my regular pms. when i had my tantrums. he was there with red roses waiting for my arrival at the train station. or when he arrived at newcastle. how could i not possibly fall in love with this guy?

he wasnt ugly at all. i like his eyebrows and his eyes. quite a wide forehead. big nose. warm smile. patient. nice height, with a nice pair of shoulders for me to lean. with such a big warm heart, he is definitely not ugly. not ever.

when his mum put a ring onto my left wedding ring last summer, he made me the happiest girl.

for the first time, i felt safe. protected. he touched my heart like no other. i love to spend my whole life with him. i want to take good care of him, until he is old and wrinkle. cant wait.

obviously yesterday wasnt the bestest day of my life. like someone said - it's a fucking shit kinda fuck up life. life is tough - everyone knows that, or maybe except paris hilton, and sometimes it gets tooo complicated and tangled you just dont know where to begin. if there is such thing as afterlife, like a dear friend of mine mentioned, i dont think i want to live, again. once is definitely enough.

as i have sworn myself not to be in that 'state' again, i promise myself to try to overcome this obstacle. i really dont want to be in that state again, it wasnt pleasant at all. yeah, i guess i have to wear a mask to hide my true feeling, it's hard, cause that's hypocracy by my definition, but i think it's for the best. a friend used to tell me that my face is like a glass, it will reflect my true emotional state at that time. gosh..is it true?

about my previous entry, the girl that i referred to was not you. nor you. neither you. nope, not even you haha. tak tipu sih. she's just another malay girl in newcastle, who is k-poh and no one likes her. wei, the last statement wasnt mine, somebody told me, so dont blame me aa. anyway, since no one knows her (honestly, it's not you haha), so ok la kan for me to put that statement haha.

to cheer things up, i just like to list 3 things that

i like to eat
1. kentucky fried chicken. it's my favourite food in the world!
2. haagen dazs's belgian chocolate. sedap gile. but they just stopped producing it sob sob..complaint! but seriously, it's the best ice-cream ever ever
3. Nescafe Cappucino Decaffeinated. i just discovered this..it's the best drink ever made!

you might not know about me
1. i'm very superstitious. i read my horoscope everyday and i jolt down my dreams. but i dont go palm reading or other supernatural stuff..my dad does :p
2. 9 out of 10 of bus trips i'll be sitting on the left side of the bus
3. i hate my nose, just feel like i want to cabut it and put another one

you might know about me
1. i like pink. so much. it hurts. it's embarasing
2. i can never wear sandals. because i need to wear socks.
3. i believe that Harry Potter exists.

i'm used to be good at, but now it is wasted
1. maths..dont ever mention this word in front of me again sob sob..kecewaaaa
2. needle and craft works. dont think i have time to do this
3. sports. i'm used to do athletics at school, was pretty good with it, hard to believe eh

okla, cukup kot.
have a nice weekend everyone.

ps: managed to play naruto in my laptop, yey!

there are a few reasons for why this blog is no longer regular like it used to:

1. i discovered more people actually care enough to read this blog. pastuh regular visitor plak tuh. pastuh hafal every detail tuh. felt like i have a stalker. i dont mean da bitch, but there is another girl in newcastle. scary. tu baru newcastle.. then if it is viewed by my friends kat mesia ke, kat us ke, ie no eye-to-eye contact tu ok gak la, but some of the readers are those who live close to me. and they told me they read this, this and this, and actually asked for explanation and discussion. and this blog is supposed to contain nothing but my inner thoughts? scary. this blog has lost its purpose..dono..there is no privacy anymore

2. my exam is just around the corner, so i'm quite bz myself doing stuff that i'm supposed to do lah

3. something heavy and serious came out and it kept on bugging my head. it's a family stuff and hell no, i wont write it here, tho i want to. see? i want to write it down, but i cant. dammit. but that's not my point here. right now i got other stuff in my head, the fact that my mum wont talk to me, and being a weakling myself, i cant concentrate whatsoever to do whatsoever, so besides that, i'm fineeee..yeah rite

4. i'm not coping like i'm supposed to when there are changes in my life. i'm an independent person, or like, i used to huh. but being back home with family and friends for quite sometime made me used to the presence of a company. i'm not independent anymore. dammit. i'm still trying to kick this thick skull of mine that i need to go shopping alone now

enough said. ngantuk sih. tomoro's another day. hate myself for complaining and whinging sigh..

dammit blogspot. i made an entry this morning and pooff..'blogspot is currently under construction whatsoever and the engineers are now trying to fix it'.. wtf? panas aa cam nih..

should i or should i not write it again? waste my time.. bengang bengang

it's bloody cold like now. i'm freezing! got to put 3 socks, honestly, to warm my feet. think i'll get a fleece rob tomoro huh, just like ellina's. tak tahan weh..it's the coldest winter ever! maybe becos this year i have a bigger room than previous years. tak tahan gile sejuk brrrr..

tengok...tade mood langsung nk tulis what so ever! blame blogspot guys..