My World

morning..

stayed longer on the bed this morning. golek2 haha. i like my bed. with all my precious with me hehe. 3 anak beruang, 2 anak lembu, 2 anak monyet, 1 ikan paus. sayang gile. they are all my precious hihihi.

i like saturday. it's my favourite day of the week. dont have plan to go out today. just stay in my sweet lil room, on my sweet lil bed, in my sweet not-so-lil pyjamas hi hi.

didnt do much yesterday. it was a boring day. someone was in a bad mood. whatever. not sure whether it was me, or something that i said, or something that i blogged, or it was just me being over overly sensitive. since when do i care about other people's mood? is it not my prinsip - do whatever you want, as long as you dont disturb me? whatever. but i still feel this uneasiness in me.

FINE.

WHATEVER.

whatever. you know deep inside that there was some truth in what i said, whatever it was. i wouldnt care less about your mood. fine.

shanti is back yey! the house is full again. cant wait for ellina to come back hihihi.

sayang is trying to amik hati my sis by belanja-ing her at the chilli's. jealous! no, i'm not jealous of him going out with my sis, i'm jealous that they eat good food! haha. me? nasi with telur goreng and kicap. sad sad. but i'm happy deep inside for sayang is able to go out and enjoy himself again. go and borrow kak lysa's harry potter and read it fast! love you to bits, hun.

finally the telekom had installed a landphone in my parents new house. not only that it is cheaper to call a landphone, it has a much much better reception as well, as my new house is quite ulu located. kak lysa, nak gambo! ko janji nk email gambo umah baru tu, like, 2 weeks ago. nak gambo, gambo, gambo! hihi

i finally bought some hair tongs!! they had some final sale in boots and guess what? it is exactly like ct's! since i bought them with the gift voucher that ct and yus gave me for my birthday, so the hair tongs are actually a gift from them la kan? thank you thank you haha me so happy next time leh buat big curls again 8-in-1 set tuh i can do my hair whatever style i want la la la.

options update: 1-obstetrics. 2-palliative meds. 3-complementary medicine. not final decision yet. gosh i'm so fickle minded nowadays. make your choice, woman

dont feel like i want to cook this weekend. somehow lost that urge to cook. it was something that someone said to me, but again, i think i'm being ridicilously overly sensitive again. like, whatever.

suddenly feel malas plak to start my course again this monday. there are too much hassle in 4th year. presentations. options. elective. why cant they sort it out themselves? i just like to stay in my room, studying. gile anti-sosial. yup, guess that what i am nowadays. like to be left alone, mind my own bloody business, no one eye-ing at me who ready to tegur me anytime. whatever. you know what? i am an anti-social person, and i'm fully comfortable with that. like someone gonna die if i dont go speaking to the world.

got to go. gonna watch F1 qualifying now. good day

before i start, i would like to apologise on my last entry. as much as i dont like to explain myself, but i think some readers misunderstood what i was trying to say. the person mentioned was not you, or you, nope not you, definitely not you. no, no, it's not you. in most cases, those that i mentioned anonymously in my blog are those who do not know the existance of this blog, altho there are some exceptions, like 'that' girl, for example. if i refer to my friends, i tend to use their actual name, like ct, or liza, or nad etc. i really really love this blog, and i dont want it to hurt anyone's feeling, well, maybe if 'that' girl, i dont mind, altho actually i dont want to hurt 'that' girl's feeling, it was just a one off act of anger. no, liza, i dont mind people asking me about depression, i just said that it was weird and uncomfortable to have a discussion about it.

again, i love this blog, and i hate to explain myself, but i strongly want to be able to write here freely. i cant see any harm, what you read was exactly what i have in my mind at that moment, and i am not evil or dirty minded or criminally minded or busuk hati or suka buat fitnah. i just write what is in my mind. i never write about politics, or sexual fantasy, or evil plots, or religious thing. it is just a mind of a typical 20 something girl who is coping with the ups and downs of a typical unpredictable life.

it's normal when someone has the opposite opinion as the person who lives next to her; everyone's unique. it's impossible to live in a world where everyone share the same opinion. when i tak puas hati or terasa with someone, i think about it, maybe write it here in my blog, but i never say that i am a better person that my opinion is much much better compared to other's. buat ape nak kate kite bagus? it's like denying the hard facts of statistic. so, what i'm trying to say is that this blog is my place, for my thoughts, as much as i like to ignore what other people think about this blog, i cant, so please dont be overly sensitive, this blog is not for me to kutuk people that i tak puas hati to, it is a place for me to reflect on my thoughts. full stop.

ok, shall we start now.

went to work this morning to find several huge pile of papers on my desk. yup, now i have my own desk, with my own pc. b4 this i had to tumpang pc sape2 yg free, tempat tuh miskin nk wat camne, but i only come to work once a week, so i dont mind that much. now, basically, since i do miscellaneous job there, they give me a pc and a table lah. i still summarise medical notes, as well as put the hospital letters' data into the computer, various lab results as well, ecg, xray etc. sometimes i do secretary's job as well, like writing the referral letter, but since i only work 6 hours a day, i barely have time to do that.

so basically i do the other stuff leftovers lah. they just put stuff on my desk, and i'll come once a week to tidy things up. yup, i tidy things up, and it is exhausting. but i like my job. i feel needed. it's like my job is to fill up the blanks and i like that. and i learn a lot as well. i think soon they'll teach me how to do templates and referrals. wish i could work more than 6 hours, but i know my priority is my study. altho the workplace is old, bangunan buruk betul, the stuff are friendly. but since i come only once a week, to do a huge pile of work in 6 hours, i dont find time to borak2 much. they said it's perfectly ok for them, as they like me to finish my work.

i found out that i'm prone to feel down. small things can bring me down. but i also found out that i'm good at comforting myself. small things can cheer me up. nobody can cheer me up except myself, and i know i have to remain calm and not panic, then i'll be fine. good :)

one of the dearest person in my life is struggling at the moment and i'm worried. i really wish that i can be there for them physically, but i cant. just to let you know that you're in my mind always, and in my prayers as well. do take care, be strong, and i'm here always for you to reach me anytime.

what else? oh ssm or 4th year options. i seriously take one step at a time, and now i'm a bit unsure about the options. i got about 2 weeks to decide 3 options. i know it was radiology that i was fond of in the past, but somehow i lost interest in that area. i have decided on 1 option tho, not in a million years that i thought i would be interested in this area, i choose palliative medicine. it is a branch of medicine that concerns of end of stage of disease, when there is no cure or treatment available, it provides the best support for the patient to feel the best comfortable end of life stage. gosh. i am a different person now.

for the rest of the options, i'm thinking of obstetrics. hmm a tough choice this one. i dont like gynae, and i absolutely dislike children, but somehow i think that i need to have enuff obstetric skill to be a better doc. 6 weeks in delivery suite? kene pk dulu. i like doing a gp option, but normally you have to arrange that privately, and since i only take one step at a time (confirm pass exam dulu), so i didnt arrange one. what else? i like to do 1 easy and relaxing stuff like complementary medicine, but somehow i'm a bit enthusiastic of medicine at the moment, so i'm not sure about that. arghh kene pk lagih.

ok, got to watch House now (it's a tv series). have a nice day. and you take care :)

chronic rhinitis. that was what the doc told me this afternoon. he prescribed me with a steroid spray and told me i have to take this regularly from now on, he even printed out a repeat prescription form for me to renew my prescription next time. the last doc told me it was sinusitis. as what ct used to say, if the management is the same, why bother with the diagnosis. true true (you can imagine me nodding 'yup. yup'). so i got another regular drug to take.

i couldnt sleep last night. it was too hot. i was too hot (ie panas doh.. not 'that' hot). it was that once in a month thingy, in the middle of the cycle (i got a hunch that azali is not keen for the word 'ov****ing' here.. kuno nk wat camne. he wont say anything, but he would just leave this :( sign. whatever). i just knew that i have a 32-day cycle. hmm.. good for future family planning HAHA not funny.

i cant fully dorsiflex my right foot. there is a superficial abrasion on the skin surface of my right Archilles tendon and it still hasnt healed. bloody hell. why does my Archilles tendon skin so fragile? senang sgt luka. brp byk plaster guna huh.

today i received something that i've waited for 2 years. it was a long wait huh. there's no use to regret of the past, these days i like to look at the brighter side, and take one step at a time. i learnt a lot for these past 2 years. mostly about life (wooo, deeepp elly, deeep haha). and i cant see the use of me mumbling about it here, but basically i feel like i'm on track again. life is a journey. i hope i have learnt my lesson, and now i'm on track again. full stop.

i discover that depression is contagious. to quote from liza, 'you know depression, elly'. it's not something that i'm proud of, but i do know depression. it's weird when someone asked me about depression and how i managed them. it's not something that is easily discussed, nor that it is comfortable to discuss. to quote from a friend who once told me, 'hanging out with you makes me more depressed', so i think it's true that depression is contagious. that's one of the reason why i dont feel comfortable sharing my thoughts and feeling nowadays. i tend to keep it myself. sometimes i tell my other half, and it makes him depressed as well (tho he denies it). i expect the rock of my life to be strong, but no one is perfect.

anyway, i can say now that i dont have depression. maybe, sometimes, i do feel low, and having a low mood, even a very low one, it is not the same as depression. cos if you do have depression, you will not even talk to me, or to any other people. i knew someone who is eager to be diagnosed as having depression (??). maybe having a medical term named on one's condition and symptoms makes one feels better. and i oppose taking antidepressants. donno why, maybe becos of personal experience. so whenever you feel down/low/depressed, just say to yourself that it is low mood, not depression, and low mood is pretty common, and you'll be fine. try to think of something happy whenever you feel low. like me, i like to think of my future wedding as my happy thought (abis pecah rahsia haha).

sorry i choose not to share my feeling and thoughts. sorry for those who worry of me. sorry for the lies. it wasnt intentional. i just dont want people to worry about me.

hey, today supposed to be a happy day, so cheer up mate!

lawak of the day: i told sayang that if he wants to give anything to me, just give it to kak lysa, my sis, who is going to contact ellina, to kirim some barang for me here. ellina is my housemate who is in mesia at the moment and will return to uk this mid sept. then sayang asked for ellina's hp number in mesia, i asked why, he said, 'saja nak kacau tunang org hehe'. think i better keep my other stunning housemates for myself, thank you very much :p

i still got 4 merdeka days left before i register this monday. i look forward for the future, cant wait !!

weekend has been good so far. didnt do much on friday, just relaxing on my bed mostly. nad arrived later that evening, newcastle has been his kampung since he started working in carlisle last month.

saturday morning was a bored one. me as usual, when bored, suka carik pasal. so i decided to do something that didnt require any thinking, so i cooked. i made karipap and ct made brownies. i like cooking (think i've mentioned this like a thousand times here). when i cook, my mind goes empty. it just chop chop chop, cook cook cook, or bake bake bake. if jadik, ade org abiskan. if tak jadik, hard luck, kene aa buang, but nobody'll know. the thing is, i like to cook in huge amount. and i cant finish it myself. and since what goes into my stomach based solely on my appetite, and this changes everyday, so these sekuali rendang or seperiuk sup will be left wasted at the end of the day. so i put them in some neat tupperware and into the fridge, and the next day my appetite tells me to cook something else, seperiuk lagi, and these will be put into the fridge at the end of the day, and the cycle goes. bazir tul. so i tend not to cook for myself, just make some simple food.

anyway, after our minum petang with karipap, brownies and teh kosong, we went to nando's for dinner. it was nadine's treat as he just got his 1st pay. before that, i borrowed ct's hair thongs. she taught me how to do big curls. SERONOK!! my hair has grown ridicilously long again, and i tie it 24 hours a day (ok ok not while i'm sleeping doh) and i thought it would be nice to have it curled, just at the bottom, and jadik!! i know i have mentioned at least twice that one of my aim in life is to have a straight hair (poyo nyer 'aim in life' haha), yup, it still does, but dono, it looked really nice when ct had her hair curled on malaysian nite last march, so i thought, why not (but really really hope it wont stay curled permanently!). so i curled my hair, big curls, i had a really nice time with ct (girly moments hehe) and was really happy with the end result :)


oh no muka bulat gila... we should have taken the pic b4 we eat our food haha like it's gonna make a different sigh...

then after put some make-ups (a complete one - foundation, touch powder, mascara, blusher, eye-shadows etc haha i only do this like once in 6 months - really cant be bother with make-ups cos have to really really clean my face after that cos i hate pimples), we went to nando's. makan byk seh 1/2 chicken each (shh..oh is it supposed to be a secret, ct? hehe) we went to odeon to catch, supposedly, Bewitched, but someone misread the time screening so we watched The Island instead.

i dont know why this movie received such a bad review, but i honestly think that it is a good movie. well, maybe because i like sci-fi movies, plus i adore ewan mcgregor, but i really enjoyed the movie (maybe becos someone else paid the ticket hehe a big BIG thank you to our sponsor of the night, you know who you are hehe). The Island was a bit slow in the beginning, but later on it was fast paced, action packed. and i like the glimpse of the future, like the anti-graviti vehicles, super cool gadgets. ewan mcgregor looked a bit matured, but he's fit hehe. scarlet johanson is not bad, she got good assets, if you know what i mean hehe. anyway, i think i still want to watch Bewitched cos i like nicole kidman, maybe next week.

i'm home alone now, on a moody sunday afternoon. the rest went to watch a football match somewhere, and i dont watch football (more like, hate it haha) so i choose to stay home instead. took a long bath after they left, then hovered the whole house after that. washed my clothes, then stayed on my bed for the next couple of hours. hehe my ideal sunday. before they left, i made nasi ayam for lunch. masak masak masak la la la. there are some food left, so our dinner is sorted la la la wish i could cook some more la la la what should i cook tomoro la la la it's bank holiday monday la la la everyone is home la la la

i'm not feeling very well lately. i think it's my sinusitis. blocked nose, headache, and i think i got a temperature this morning but it turned out that i forgot to switch off the heater. i hate having bilateral blocked nose. complete blocked. my theory is that whenever i'm stressed, my immune system seems to shut down. last time my face 'shreded' and this time it is my sinus. i'm not keen to see the gp, i just dont, but i think i need that steroid spray again, but dont think i want to go out today, so i think i'll wait till monday to see the doc. hopefully i'll be fine by then.

talking about stress, yup, these past few days had been quite a stressed one. just glad it's over now.

talked to mama last night. my parents are going to haji this dec, insyaAllah, and mama mentioned about the wasiat that my dad plan to do before they go to haji. then it hit me, i just realised that i wont be able to see them before they go to haji at the end of this year. my eyes started to water at that time, then my mum said to not to worry, if anything happen, just believe that we'll meet again kat akhirat. i was speechless, and shaken, and sad, and cried for about an hour after that. my mum is my world. no, you dont understand, she IS my world, my soul and my everything. just thinking about what could happen to her can bring tears in my eyes, like, in a split second. my heart is very much attached to her, and if anything happen to her, i dont think i can face the world. simple like that.

i'm not in a mood to write anymore. i just would like to thank sayang for being a marvelous best friend/partner. he is a good man. i can share with him things that i cant with other people, not even to the closest friend. he knows my deepest fear, my sacred-est secrets, my worst weakness, he saw my worst side, yet he is still there. yup, he IS still there, bravely holding my hand in my journey to face the world. Allah bless him for the things that he has done for me. i can see now why my family was astonished, more like shocked, when i told them i got a bf, a serious one, 3 years ago. i took it as an insult, i thought they thought that i wasnt good enough to make a man committed to me. but now i understand. it takes more than a regular, typical man to stand by me. i dont think most of you understand, i am not a simple person, not even close, and for a guy to choose to stay by my side after knowing all the worst side of me, it is a miracle. honestly, it is. no, i dont compare my relationship with others, i dont say he is the best guy in the world, i just say that he is the best guy for me, and i forever grateful :)

today is my 1st bro's birthday. he's 23 today. ridzman, or better known as 'abang man' or maman (uwek uwek) by his fiancee, but we call him jiman or boboy (hahah pecah rahsia abis aa saham nko) at home. yup, you read it right, he already got engaged with a girl and they will get married next june (gile langkah bendul, 2 sekali tuh!!).


jiman with kak lysa at klcc last april when i went back home for easter break.

jiman ni anak emak, but he wont admit it. he just passed his final exam last april and will graduate this december in EE enginering. budak ni kurus sekerempeng. i think his BMI is 18 or less. kecik2 dulu suka nangis. bila besar masuk askar, konon nk jadik macho la tu huh. altho he got 2 elder sisters, but he likes to act like the big bro. whenever he's at home, he'll be the last to stay awake to make sure all the girls (me and kak lysa lah) safely at home, and he'll make sure all the doors are locked. he once waited for me to come back at 2 (azali lah)..wat malu org je.

budak ni pun kemut nk mati. gileeeerrrr kemut (nadine, kemut is kedekut. hehe). gile jimat cermat kalah ceti! you should have seen his bank account..a comfort 5 figures.. tu die lom keje lagi tuh... dont think i ever met anyone more kemut than him huh seriously. sayang giler (giler giler nk mati nyer) ngn tonang die, sampai ambo geli gelemen. once he critisized my relationship with azali, and hell yes, i'll remember sampai mati (how dare you compare my relationship with yours! bleh blah aa). jiman is also iwan's (my youngest bro) worst nightmare. jiman garang giler ngn iwan, and jiman is the only guy in this world who iwan would listen to.

jiman is also mama's fav, altho she denies it. 'jiman anak mama' (uwek). he also has a stiffed relationship with abah, i think becos of him being the 1st son. but jiman always got his beloved mama to back him, like, anytime. mama is very2 particular and fussy with her fav son's choice of girl (not like me -> negro kepala botak pun boleh..just kidding) and jiman had to bring melda (his fiancee) several times to see mama to get her blessing (not like me -> sekali jumpe, 'ok'). overall, jiman is a good son, overly protective bro who gets in everyone's nerve once in a while (who doesnt?). he's way more matured than i am and i wish him the very best in life. i just hope he stops being too jiwang sentimentol but if his fiancee likes it, who am i to ask him to change. happy 23rd birthday, dear bro :)

ps/ kalau nko nk adiah, ko kasik aku nyer dulu! hikhik