My World

finally i have some time to write something here. this week has been pretty loonngg indeed.

this week is the second last week of my option, so knowing that the supervisor is going to grade me next week, so extra rajin aa dtg sekolah hehe penat penat.

today was..i can say.. a waste. woke up at half 6 to attend the midwife take-over shift at half 7 . then waited for any pregnant mum to deliver. none of the pregnant mums at the delivery suite was ready to deliver, so i had to wait for about an hour or more when one pregnant mum came through the a&e whose due date was today. it was her 1st pregnancy. when she came at about 9ish, her cervix had already dilated about 6 cm. then i had to wait and wait till half 1 when she was fully dilate (10cm). but then her water hadnt broken so the midwife needed to artificially rupture her membrane. to cut the story short, i waited until half 4 when i realised she wasnt ready to deliver her baby until at least 9 or 10 tonite. she's a very nice lady, along with her husband. i can fully understand how she was pretty anxious about almost everything, since this is her 1st baby and she didnt know what to expect. all the best to her.

on the way back i went to the printer shop that i went in yesterday to get my posters laminated. i know some people dont understand why i spend so much time, energy and money for this 1st audit of mine. this audit is special. very special indeed. i gave it my all. it wasnt to get great marks, honestly, it was for my own satisfaction. when i did this audit, i was attached to one speciality in medicine that i truly, honestly care for. like i said before, care and love are something that cannot be forced. it is either you like it, or not like it. well, that is for me. like, i cannot simply say i like paediatrics and say how cute and adorable children are, when the true fact is that i dislike children. and i cannot care for something i hate. but when i did geriatrics, there was suddenly this one side of me that i didnt know could ever exist. like i said before, i am a selfish person and i know that. but when i realised how much i care about old people, it shocked me. in a good way. it was like, 'oo this is how it feels like to care about other people'. yup, i was that selfish. this one attachment is truly special to me and it shall remain in my heart, cos it makes me feel unselfish. so this audit is truly special to me, and i spent lots of time, energy and money to make it perfect. there you go. and those laminated posters, they look great :)

honestly, i cant wait to finish my current option. dont get me wrong, it is a good attachment. i admit it is different, but i've learnt a lot for these past few weeks. like, a lot. they are all very useful, not just for my course, but for myself. but again, interest is something, that i believe, cannot be created. yes you can learn to like and enjoy something, but we are talking about genuine interest on something that you gonna spend the rest of your life with. it is either you like it, or not. obstetrics is not for me. i'm not saying it is bad, in fact the attachment was very good and i've learnt a lot, but it is not my thing. full stop.

i hope to write more but i am very tired now. i hope to write about newcastle's malaysian nite which was held at the student union last wednesday night, but let leave that for tomoro. good nite. happy weekend.

me! dont ask me why i had that huge smile. i was happy at that time. i like snow. i have good company. life is good. so i'm smiling :)

weekend went by very fast. i cooked tomyam on saturday, it was slightly different than my usual one, but no one complains, well, no one ever complains bout my cooking haha. i think they are just a bunch of nice and considerate people, my friends are. and that they know if they ever complain, i wont cook again hahaha

didnt do much on saturday except for the cooking part. watched jurassic park that night while ct, yus and nadine went to watch syriana at odeon. i'm not a fan of george clooney, so that film doesnt interest me, altho lots of people recommend it. dono, i just didnt feel like want to go out that night. no, actually, i wanted to watch jurassic park over itv2 haha.

sunday was filled with F1. finally it's that time of the year again! F1 started at bahrain, and they have lots of new rules! it was quite exciting i tell you, with the qualifying part got not 1, but 3 sessions. and they have tyre changes again this year. i got my eyes glued on the tele for the whole 3 hours. bless!

it was snowing since saturday night and it continued snowing on sunday. it wasnt thick, but i felt like taking some pics at the park. i managed to convince nadine and ellina to join me, but ct, yus and shanti prefered to stay at home. good for them, as it was mad freezing outside! but ellina, nad and i managed to get lots of nice pics and i thoroughly enjoyed it. i have just uploaded some of them at my fotopages.

spm result will come out tomoro. i know someone who is super nervous at this time. good luck iwan! i'll wait for your phonecall tonite.

sigh. tomoro's monday. who likes monday?

finally it's over!

my presentation that is.

it went...ok, i think. hell yes, i was nervous. i figured out that it was the waiting that makes me nervous. waiting has always been the biggest hurdle. but once you stood there, everything was ok. well, at least well according to plan la. i have practised this presentation for god knows how many times, almost all the people that i've met and known already heard me presenting. suddenly i felt a bit guilty. for involving too many people. typical me. when gelabah, i tend to be a pain in the ass. seriously! and now i feel guilty and ashamed. of myself. well, the crucial thing now is that the presentation is over, totally, utterly over, and i can have my life back, my sleep and appetite back, and concentrate on the rest of my options.

you know i only slept 5 hours last night? that was after mugs of horlicks and camomile & lavender tea, and 2 paracetamol? these list of stuff are supposed to help me sleep, well, at least they worked in the past. but last night i only managed to get 5 hours of sleep. well, at least it was a dreamless sleep. and i didnt eat a single thing today! was tooooo damn nervous to eat. only took 2 beta-blockers to calm me down. but no food at all. it was a wonder how i managed to stand in front of the lecture theatre to present my audit. i think my liver must be healthy then. they truthfully provide enough stored glucose for my body for one whole day. gosh laparnye!

i have this one ritual everytime i have some big events. i like to wear something new. i believe they bring good luck. i think they are more to boost my confidence. so today i wore something new. not one, but 5 new stuff haha. new shirt, new trousers, new socks, new brooch and new haircut. the shirt is a cute cute one, with its puff sleeves and round lapel, in which ct said like kindergarden's uniform. i got it from topshop and it's white in colour. the trouser is plain black. and the brooch i made it myself, using buttons and ribbons. shanti and ellina think it is cute. and this morning i get myself a fringe (finally!) and cut about an inch of my hair. gosh, look at the preparation! and it was just for one-fucking-8-minute presentation. come to think of it..lawak gak la. elly yg poyo. officially. haha.

the rest of the week was...busy, and very, very surprisingly, good. mr nasty obstetrician suddenly become super nice and cool consultant. seriously, it's my biggest puzzle of all. i went to his clinics earlier this week, and i learnt a lot. this consultant, i admit, is super genius, at least in his field. he looks young, yet so brainy. all of the staff keep asking him 1001 questions and he could answer every single of them. and remains cool at the same time. and then he let me assist a caesarean section, which was super duper cool. i was actually super nervous at that time, and thanks to the wonder of beta-blockers, i managed to remain calm. the consultant even joked after the surgery by saying i was as cool as a cucumber during the whole procedure! ha ha. but to be able to assist a surgery, it was a priceless experience.

later that day, after i realised that the consultant might be in a good mood, i decided to accept his offer to help with my presentation. and he was super nice again. he gave me lots, and lots of tips and advices on how to do a presentation. damn..now my supervisor is nice, i begin to like and enjoy the things i do now, and although i hate to admit, i think obstetrics is not that bad. i like geriatrics so much last month, and seriously considering it for my future, but now that i begin to like obstetrics, it's kinda a mixed feeling. dilemma hmm. well, good thing i dont have to make my decision now. i just want to enjoy 4th year, of course to pass it too lah, go home this summer to do electives and come back with a fresh and committed body, mind and soul for final year. amin.

ok, back to reality. it's a wonder how i can think and write this long with a low sugar level in my blood. so, friday night.. what's the plan? not-a-thing. just chilling out. but there is still some adrenaline leftovers in my body (from the presentation today), and i feel like doing something. like watch the movie. but there is not a single thing on the cinema. just rubbish films. waaa.. i want to do something exciting tonite... hehe need to fill my stomach first. eat first, think later. have a nice weekend everyone!

hello

i'm in my room at the moment. am too lazy to change my formal, hospital attire to some comfy, loose pyjamas. i'm still thinking about what to eat for dinner. fish & chips? instant pizza? maggi sounds good. egg mayo sandwich is good too. cookies and milk sound tasty. we'll see..malasnyer nk makan..

today was ok. monday..what do you expect? no one likes monday huh. well, super nerd geek people may be, but we are talking about normal population here. this week is the 4th out of my 6th week of obstetrics. remember when i wrote about how nasty my current supervisor is? well, he's kind of a changed man now. dono. he is nicer now. which puzzles me. a lot. well, i shouldnt complaint, should i? he is now more relax and flexible, i admit he is a bright consultant, everyone seems to refer to him and ask him lots of questions, and he damn knows most of stuff, so i guess it makes him a bit arrogant. which is mostly understandable and, doubtfully, acceptable. and today he smiles a lot. when i asked him for a day off on this friday for that day will be my presentation day in sunderland, he offers to help me with my presentation. he said i could practise my presentation to him and gave me tips on how to do a good presentation. i was like, 'huh?'. i hope he stays this nice until the end of my option. amin.

and i have one good news. i bought a flight ticket to go home this summer! weeeeeee! who doesnt like to go home? me like home so much. food food food. family. azali. and this summer i got to go home for nearly 3 months! and that includes my electives, of course. takpe la, i'll still doing it at home. home home home la la la. i already have lots and lots of plans. i plan to go somewhere, like a holiday break or weekend, i'm thinking of kota kinabalu or singapore, ie going somewhere that i've never been before. i hope to go with azali, so that we got to spend some good time together, but if he's busy or got other plan or simply refuse to go with me for whatever reason, that's fine, i can always go with kak lysa who is kaki jalan. or maybe i can go with some friends? gee..i have never travelled or jalan2 with friends like wirda or liza. well, i just remember, they are married. hmm.. ellina and her good friends plan to travel to bangkok this august, and i really hope i can join in, but i only know ellina but not her friends, and her friends dont know me, so i'm not certain whether i can join them or not. well, we'll see. gee...cant wait to go home! 3 more months to go!

this week wasnt easy. it was awkward. i lost control. more like i am not sure what has happened. this happens when i got lots of things in my mind at one time. and that time happens right now. told you i cant take more than one step at a time.

have you had dreams so real you are not sure what is the reality? no, this is not 'the matrix', silly you. several times i woke up wondering who am i, where am i, what am i. my mind just lost. lost of what? reality? it felt as if i lost something. more like i lost a grip. of my life.

there are indeed some things that are kept wandering in my head nowadays. the biggest one is the presentation i have next friday. i know it's just a fucking presentation, but it affects me more than i realised. every 5 seconds i will think about it. these days i have to take more beta-blocker tablets just to calm me down. then another presentation at the end of this month. i have been trying to tell myself that they are just fucking presentations, you come and present and answer a few questions, that is all. not something that i've never done before. then why all this lost-ness?

and doing something that i dont enjoy everyday did not help the situation either. obstetrics. deliveries and caesarean. babies. lots of babies. some people will go 'ahh..', 'so cute', 'adorable'. and me was just, 'fine', or '...'. no feeling nor passion at all. do i have no heart at all? do i care at all? i know i dont prefer children, i dont hate them, i just dont prefer them. fine, fine, i dont fucking care about them. puas hati? i know i'm not a heartless person, i hope i'm not, but the last sentence does make it sound as if i am indeed that kind of person.

it was a mistake to choose this option. options are supposed to be doing things that you enjoy. ie things that you want to do. or at least things that you care enough to do. i dont want to do this. well, i am aware i cant have and do everything that i want to. i am not spoilt or big-headed. i'm trying to be rational and reasonable. but whether i like it or not, it affects my life sooner or later.

my mind and body are two separate things. they live in harmony, or at least they try to. and my mind is something that sometimes i cant control. it has a mind of its own. i know all of these doesnt make any sense, but that is how my mind works. the more i try to be in control, ie try to be rational in my decision making, but if my mind doesnt approve it, it will rebel and eventually it wont work. in other words, i'll go nuts.

i know all of these sound nonsense. i'm just not myself. i'm not making any sense.

i know some says that i'm selfish, but when i realise it myself, it hits me worse. fine, let me say this out loud:

i dont care about babies. or small children. or children. i dont like them. i just dont care. yes i am selfish. i am a bad person. but that is something i cant control. you cant just simply care about something. and i am just a person who doesnt care about young people. and knowing this make me sick. of myself. puas hati?

i am so tired right now.

today started early. i couldnt sleep last night; i only managed to close my eyes at half 2 and woke up at 7 am when the mobile phone's alarm rang. didnt have time to eat or drink, i rushed to the rvi's delivery suite. and i had to wait for 4 hours to see a delivering mum. it was a difficult one. it was her 1st pregnancy and she was transfered from hexham this morning at half 6. the CTG wasnt good; the baseline was over 180 constantly. so the good old rvi stuff followed the NICE guidelines and attempted to check on the baby's blood for pH and bases. it was my first time seeing how a fetal blood sampling been taken. the doc put a strange looking speculum into the women's vagina and scratched the baby's head a bit and took some blood using 3 long, narrow tubes and me and the midwive had to run to the machine room to get it processed asap. it turned out that the baby's blood pH and bases were normal, so according to the NICE guidelines, we need to wait some more and no emergency caesarean, well, not yet. hence the waiting. the fetal blood sampling was taken 3 times, once every hour. thankfully, after the second sampling, the cervix began to dilate. but then the baby's position wasnt right; it was cephalic ie head down, but the baby was facing upwards. the baby supposed to face the mum's bum and has its back to mum's tummy. so the doc hoped the baby will turn to it's supposed position soon. hence more waiting. it was 2 pm and i hadnt eaten a single thing since i woke up this morning.

45 minutes later and thankfully the baby did turn. the mum pushed several times, but the baby was adamant and refused to move. so the spR was called and the ventouse or vacuum machine was pulled into the room. it was a weird looking thing. it was a.. vacuum. used to suck baby's head. it didnt look pleasant at all. the spR needed to work fast, as the baby blood sampling taken earlier (which was normal) was only valid for 1 hour. after that, they need to take another sampling and do another reading as the previous one will not be valid any more. the spR is a small indian guy, and he used all his might to pull the baby's head using the vacuum, but it was unsuccessful. so he used another device, one that i've heard so much about, the forceps. they look like a big pair of huge, unsharp, loops scissors. it wasnt the nicest device of all. so the spR put the forceps, one on each side of the baby's head, cutting some of the mum's perineal at the same time.

after several difficult pushings, the baby's head was out. but the umbilical cord was around the the baby's neck. the spR quickly cut the cord and carefully delivered the rest of the body. the baby's head was red sore. there were some markings too on the baby's face. but the baby was fine. he cried as soon as he came to this world. the dad was crying too. me? i was numb. shocked. shaken. hypoglycaemic. pale.

i was born with a ventouse and forceps as well. exactly like the baby today. his mum was a bit lucky, as she only required an episiotomy ie no tear. but i still hate the stitching. for me it's the worst part. as for the women who delivered me more than 25 years ago, she had a third degree tear. as if that was not enough, i was a difficult baby. i cried a lot, and got really sick several times.

as much as i want to have and hold my own child, i dont think i can have it. not now. not in the next few weeks. i thought caesarean is better, but after i watched 3 caesarean last week, well, there is no such thing as a pleasure surgery. a surgery IS a surgery, where someone cuts open your lower stomach, near the bikini line, tears it open with force using both hand. not cut, but tear ie robek, cos that way the muscles heal better. and then 5 layers of stitching. that is horrible as well. all i can is:

mother's love is eternal.

i miss mama. i'll call her tomoro.