My World

adoi...first time jatuh kerusi. tu aa sape suh pakai stokin dlm bilik, siap pakai fleece robe sekali, kan dah jatuh kerusi cos licin. felt kinda silly (adoi sakit bontot...)

anyway, it's friday! this week had been a hectic one, paeds is my last rotation and it's the busiest rotation ever! on-call every week including saturday, almost everday there are presentations or case reports to hand in and summer exams are just around the corner! stress stress. tarik nafas elly tarik nafas. anyway, i'm glad it's friday. all i need is to stay still and organise my schedule for the next few weeks till the exams in the middle of july. 4 weeks to go.

all of my housemates have gone home. me home alone. luckily it's summer; it only darkens at half 9. kul 4-5pg dah terang benderang. + i'm kinda busy pun so b4 i know it, they'll come home. i initially thought it's 3 weeks of me home alone, it turns out just 2 weeks. so that's good news. i can spend this 2 weeks just with myself :)

sayang has a blog! hihihi that's news. i've never thought he's a bloggie type of person. anyway, good that he has a blog and now i can know what's in his mind, especially since sayang is quite a quiet person who doesnt express himself much. looking forward for your next entry sayang!

(sorry for me keep refering my fiance as 'sayang', i do call him sayang when we talk, tho i'm a bit segan to refer him as 'sayang' in this blog, but i do sayang him very much, plus i watched 'sepet' and i think it's kinda sweet to call your beloved one as 'sayang', as long as it's not in front of other people and in a you-know-what tone and as long as it's not 'baby' cos he ain't your baby huh)

lots of emotions come and go for this past few days. yg peliknye, most of the events that cause my emotion's rollercoster has nothing to do with me. like the exams and the results, it wasnt my exams, it was my closed ones' exams. pelik ade, funny ade. i know i cant handle stress well, but to stress on other people's life events? dont have the answer for that. anyway, i received good and bad news. i'm happy for those who received good news but my heart goes for those who received bad news. i'm not good in showing that i care, but i do care for them, even to the one whom i've not spoken for a long time, i do feel like i want to go and see and hug her and tell her it's gonna be fine (ellina's reaction --> 'wtf?'). of course i didnt do that, as i'm not used in telling people that i really care. (leave it here ok? dont like people to know that i actually care huh). hope you guys are alright :)

huda, where are you? i'm a bit concerned. i think nik should now be with you, right? hope you are well, and do send me some news eh?

got my summer sort out. me got a full time job for the 4 weeks summer hols. 6pounds an hour. sorted.

i rearranged my room 2 weekends ago but i'm still not satisfied. it's just this one corner, it has unused space and i dont like it. will rearrange it again tomoro.

curse to ikea's weighing scale that i bought last week. it weighed me 5kg more than my usual weight. i was too shocked and vowed there and then to not eat cheese anymore and even did the tum and bum exercise mase tu gak. the weighing scale turned out to be faulty. i weighed myself at several clinics and my weight is actually the same as my old one. curse to that ikea's weighing scale. buat org sakit jantung je huh.

miss sayang huhuhu. sedih tak dpt nk balik summer :(

as wirda said: 'good things come to those who waits'. sabarnya sayang..

'Today, dear Leo, you and your significant other might spend a lot of time conversing about what may appear to be trivial matters, but which can actually strengthen the bond between you. Your commitment is strong, even if you have no overt agreement right now. A walk through your neighborhood might be a good idea, as being out in the open could be very stimulating right now, both romantically and intellectually. Enjoy your day.'

and i did exactly what it said. and.. i did it before i read my horoscope for today. see..that's what i like about horoscope :D (read sayang: like, not obsess huh)

talked to sayang in the early morning, before i went to bed. been kinda busy lately + to less burden my phone bills, i cut down my phone calls. and for the first time, it was he who felt insecure about our relationship, and i didnt know how to react. it is always me who feels insecure, so when he felt it and expressed it to me, i honestly didnt know how to react. angry because he doesnt trust me? happy because it shows how much he cares for me? sad because i couldnt make the 11 000km distance between us nearer? well how should i know. no one ever felt that way towards me before.

anyway, i hope he's ok. feeling insecure of one's relationship is normal right? you shouldnt have doubt in me sayang, i'm not very good in words, esp this jiwang2 stuff (euw), but you should have known this by now. you know how i feel inside, in fact you are the only person in this world who knows exactly how i feel inside :)

as predicted by the horoscope, i went to town today. as i said to nadine, 'weather wont stop me from going out today' haha. a bit cloudy + rain, i went to tynemouth market. guess what i bought? a second-hand cordless drill. kinda random huh. dono. that old guy was so nice (my soft spot = old people with smile on their face..me cair everytime) + it only costs 4 quids + i need a drill (this is a soo lame excuse), so i bought it haha. then i bought a 50p jules verne's around the world in 80 days. i used to love jules verne books. one of my fav book of all time is the journey to the centre of the earth, i first read it about 10 years ago, and since then i'm hooked with his books.

anyway, i almost forgot about my new year resolution, that is to read as many story books as i can during my free time. and i had read some good books for this past 6 months. the latest one that i finished was 'empress orchid'. i really enjoyed it, it has the same theme as 'memoir of a geisha' ie an biography book, and 'empress orchid' is one of the last empress in china at the late 19th century. before that i was hooked with the anne of green gables series, i have 5 of her series so far. currently i read a few books, i used to only read one book at a time, but the last 2 books dont interest me that much, that is 'the 5 people you meet in heaven' and 'ps i love you'. i first bought 'the 5 people you meet in heaven' because i thought it will be an interesting book. i saved some money for sometime and waited for waterstone's sale to buy it. it turned out to be a rather dull book. it's a good book tho, just that it reminds me of life after death, like, a lot (i should have known from the title itself! dhoh). while huda's book 'ps i love you' is a really emotional book. i cried everytime i turned to the next page, seriously, so penat lah weh asyik nangis tak abis2. i still read it tho, in a very slow pace, to prevent any of my housemates noticing my swollen eyes. + me dont like cry. the latest book i'm hooked at is 'the curious incident of the dog in the night-time'. it's an interesting book, different from the usual book that i read. nowadays, instead of watching tv for the last 10 minutes before i hit the bed, i read story books :)

i just realised i've written a long entry in my blog about...books. gile bosan. that wasnt my initial thought. think i should stop now. i should start reading paediatrics book now. have a nice week!

no use of having a blog for it to be used as a place for someone to watch over me and then scold/tegur me later.

he knew me for 5 fucking years.

i'm still the same girl he falls in love with. i'm still wearing the same cloth and jeans, with glasses and sport shoes and sling bags.

dont think i can blog now. you know what, i think i'll create another blog just for my fucking self. 'oh no, i shouldnt swear'. fucking hell bullshit. i used to swear and burp in front of you and why should i not doing it now. little miss sweet nice ayu whatever, i am not.

really really hate it when someone doesnt trust me.

let me set this straight, once and for all:
takde sape nk tgk tunang ko kat sini. she is just a super simple plain girl, who honestly truly with all her heart, prefers to remain invisible, socially, physically, mentally whatever. she doesnt go out much, and people dont know her. seriously they dont know her. she likes to mind her own business, really really need to concentrate on her life to be on track again. she's not very good with words, not very good in pouring her heart out, but she knows she loves, and will always love, this one guy who is currently feeling rather insecure.

i'm truly, and will always be yours, sayang. you are the love of my life. no one can change that, hanya kuasa yg maha esa saja yg berupaya mengubahnya. you have no reason to doubt me.

Shanti's birthday @Panis Cafe. from left: me, ct, yus, nadine, shanti. 31/5/05

look at those thighs...they're hugh..sigh..

anyway, a reminder to myself: tomoro's meeting at wallsend at 1pm. hope i dont forget huh. me dont have any organiser. kalau ade pun tara guna. me useless with organiser. maybe i should write it somewhere. so i write it here ;p

i'm kinda in a good mood at the mo. i know i can count on huda to uplift my mood. and ease my mind. and solve at least one of my worry. yup, that's huda! she gave me a very good idea/solution for my visa concern. me hepi hepi. that's one worry off my mind. now i can concentrate on other things, like, my study :) thanks huda, you're the best :)

talked to mama yesterday. she wasnt worry/concern at all for me not being able to go home this summer. nor did she worry about my visa and scholarship. well, that's mama. typical of her. this wasnt the first time. like me, she doesnt like to get involve. like me, she doesnt like hassle. i dont want her to get involve, i dont want any of her help; i just want her to be there. maybe i shouldnt have any expectation at all. disappointment with my own family; it's like being disappointed with myself. no, it's wrong to have disappointment with your own family, afterall, they are your own flesh and blood. fine.

ok ok, back to revision. maybe later today i go to town to buy some groceries. tesco's a nice place. except that it's kinda far at gateshead. me like to abuse my 57-quid-for-4-weeks-all-day-unlimited-travel bus pass ;)

'Ironically enough, your creative flair for joking and laughter may have succeeded in pushing people away from you instead of drawing people towards you, dear Leo. It could be that you have made negative off the cuff comments that you thought nothing of at the time, yet others have taken them quite seriously. You might want to be more aware of this tendency so that you don't end up outwardly offending the people around you.'

that's my horoscope for today. 'nice'

alo
too malas to blog lately

enthusiasm = -1000

felt like if there were raining gold, or if someone to put a pistol at my head, i wouldnt care less. motivation = -10000..

semangat nk belaja tu ade, but if zero motivation, takle wat pe2 aa

anyway, since i want (to try) to be in control of my life, lets just brighten things up eh

got an email a few days ago from an unknown guy. his email was short, he said he typed 'bengang' at yahoo search engine and my blog was among the first that came up. it was an 2003 entry. funny doh..

received some good and bad news from friends lately. those who happily wed, got a newborn, br abis exam, pass exam, start summer hols, going back to malaysia, br beli ipod etc etc.. congrates. those who putus tunang, had a difficult delivery, didnt pass exams, has financial difficulties, panic attack, rindu sama pakwa etc etc... take care and i wish the very best of luck. i'm very worried for someone at the moment. feel like i want to fly to see her now and be there for her.

went to glasgow last weekend. of course it was a blast, but i'm not in a mood to write the detail. i was soo happy there, i couldnt stop talking and smiling. fine, fine, i just jot down a few things that i did there. met ellina, oja and yunie on saturday (yeeha!). went to lemon tree for lunch, it was good food, murah gak. then on sunday we went to livingston (yeeha2x!). me bought a few things and managed to not overspend (yeeha3x!). then jalan2 glasgow. went to an indian restaurant that nite with emelyn and mq, me not a big fan of indian food, but the food was wayy better than salam bombay, plus with such good companies, me soo happy (+buncit haha). went to peckhams yg sgt hebat that nite and bought all-so-heaven choco cake there. the next day we went to the magnificent wagamama (huga huga!) and that was the peak of my trip. and oh, just 1/2hour before my train is due, we went to peckhams again and i bought 2 oreo cheese cakes (yeeha4x!). so overall, i managed to fulfill my objectives in glasgow:

• meet oja, yunie, ellina, mq and emelyn
• eat at the magnificent wagamama
• buy levis jeans at livingston
• peckhams

so, oklah kan? la la la

i'm slightly towards the positive mood (aka happy aa) but my motivation is still zero. it's nothing that you and i can do. i'm not depressed..hmm..let me think..i'm kinda worried tho..

• july exams. i'm not too worried tho at the mo, but i had panic attacks more frequent now
• visa. pain in the ass. i heard that we have to pay 300pounds ++ now to get a visa. worry worry.. my visa ends this sept..worry worry
• mara. since i cant get a new visa without my scholarship which ends this july which is next month, which cannot be renewed if i fail the july exams etc etc no wonder my head is all over the place lately.
• finance. scholarship ends this july and it will take at least 3-4 months to renew it and i dont want to think too much. sakit kapala.
• family. they are fine, except that my mum has the tendency to keep me inform of, er, everything that happen in the family. umah baru dok siap2 lagi, jiman's wedding, my sis's office problems bla bla. sakit kapala. i'm thankful tho to be kept inform, but my head is getting heavier each day
• monyet. his problem is my problem too. and vice versa. luckily he has a pair of good ears and he uses it well. and it is made of iron too, thankfully
• coursework. i used to like obs & gynae but no one likes assessment right? next wednesday i have to be with this one consultant in a so far far away hexham hosp, spend 1 whole day with her and prepare to be assessed anytime, anywhere, anything. fine fine got it got it
• people surround me. of course i care for what people think about me. except that i tend to prefer the negative side and put the blame to myself. i think it's more towards being paranoid since no one knows the truth. well dont think it's worth to pour down my thoughts, like, again. it even bores me. just that i discover that i am getting weirder and weirder each day. i bet people around me think that way too

no wonder you have zero motivation, said monyet last night. well, i dont know, i wish i can control my own level of motivation. you think way too much, you worry too much, monyet said. iyeke.

anyway, today i managed to finish my case report. good. now i can read up my obs&gynae notes for next week assessment.

things to do next (+ next week plan)

• study obs & gynae
• go to student union and ask about national insurance number. think better ask yus first. he knows stuff
• appointment with gp. malas doh. but i have too. whatever
• call my continuity patient in wallsend for our last meeting. tuesday afternoon i'll have a discussion with my course gp about this continuity patient whom i saw since oct last year. dont forget to type and print the notes
• send ellina's baju kurung on monday. she wants to wear it for glasgow's malaysian nite sometime this month
• get abah's and kak lysa's besday cards. this can be delayed. they'll understand. but i do hope to send their cards on time this year. asyik lupe anta card..4 tahun turut2 doh..
• email mara, ask them for some advice regarding visa

dont think i'm able to go back to malaysia this summer. lots and lots of things to settle. but i always go back home during summer. never miss once. well, there is always the first time.

sigh. too much hassle. dont let me start. i wish i can just drop everything and leave. avoidance IS my way..so not good, i know. i just hate hassle. think too much, worry too much..that IS my way..sedih sedih

sgt penat.

at ulu hexham GH all day, finished at 6. good stuff tho. met this egyptian gynaecologist who was nasty at first and asked question like 'what is the normal volume of menstruation and how do we measure them?' and me was like 'huh?' but he was good tho, esp with the statistics. good teaching, but later on when he knew i'm from malaysia, he eased off but asked random questions like 'what do your father do as a living' and 'how about marriage and family after graduation' and me was like 'huh?' i made a conclusion that he's concern and friendly and not more than that.

i was pretty sure i can provide better answers if i got enuff sleep last night, as i did some reading b4 i went to bed. i only managed to sleep not more than 4 hours last night and as predicted today i was like a zombie, wide awake but blank in mind. i tried hard tho to concentrate, and now i have a headache. sakit kapala for trying hard to use some overtired brain cells.

i couldnt sleep last night because i was scared of the july exams. scared. cuak. panic. suffocated. ntah la, lately ni i wasnt feeling very well. i almost pengsan on sunday, twice, mmg rase the room spinning around. not sure what caused it. mentally, i'm very very worried of the july exam. my mind tends to drift a lot and then suddenly it felt really heavy and overload with emotions. pk byk sgt. that's my main problem. physically, i dont eat as much as i used to. rase malas nk makan, sometimes i even forgot to eat. time just past by and eating is not part of it. i just..forgot. tiap2 kali monyet tepon, die mesti tanye dah makan ke lom. bless him. he knows me lupe nk makan tu tanda tak bagus. camne nk makan..byk sgt dlm kepala. but now i do eat, paksa makan tu huh, nk telan pun kene paksa.

pk byk sgt. how aa to not to think too much? i think from good things to bad things, future stuff to past stuff, from career stuff, medicine, family, money to my cold toes. how do i take these stuff off my head?

anyway, since dah janji ngn monyet, i got to eat now. paksa telan gak. am very tired now, hopefully i manage to get some good sleep tonite (and some food in my throat). tomoro pun all day wards and clinics work. byk nyer kene baca. plus revision for july. takut gila. gila takut sampai rase nk muntah