My World

had a busy week. not packed, just busy preparing for my final assessment and presentation for CIDR rotation. had my presentation on tuesday, it went ok apart from when someone kinda changed my slides a bit (damn you bitch.. yup THAT girl) but i managed to remain calm and was able to answer most of the questions single handedly. phew. then i had my final assessment yesterday, thanks to ct for helping me the night before, i managed to impress the examiner who gave me some good marks and comments. nice. i think i prefer oslar than osce, i cant tolerate the time pressure in osce, and i prefer one-to-one question-answer session. phew. that was a relief.

so today i had a feedback session. apparently all the tutors and assessors had a meeting yesterday to decide on our final grades. as usual, i dont aim for anything more than S, and was surprised they gave me some merits. guess it is good to have a low expectation so that when you get something better, you'll be surprised and grateful. i am indeed grateful and happy and determine to work hard and pass my july exam. i want to have a full 5 weeks summer hols so that i can go home and be with my family and monyet. i also want to pass this 3rd year exam so that i can do the options that i choose in 4th year next year, especially the medical physics one in the cancer centre in NGH where i hope to arrange privately. see, i try to motivate myself to keep me going. am currently in a grateful and motivate and stable mode.

apparently not everyone is grateful for what they have. like one boy in my course who got all merits except for his attendance in which he got an S (apparently no one can get M for attendance) and he kept on complaining about it. and the girl that i hate (yup THAT girl) got 2 Borderlines, one for her motivation and one for ethical issue. she said it is not fair since i got an S for my ethics but i didnt participate much in the ethical group. and unfortunately (for her) i got an M for my motivation and she was very pissed off about that. she said she came to every session and has a better attendance than me. she kept on bragging for all the things she did better than me and made me feel useless. and she said these all aloud and made me like a tugul. i just left the room and stayed in the library and tried to think of all the good comments the assessors gave me.

i hate it when people questioned my grades. it made me think as if i dont deserve the grade they gave me. fine, i know i'm not that good, but i work hard this year cos i really want to pass my july exam and most of my examiners told me i have good knowledge and good examination skills especially on my skills with patients and they cant all be lying, can they? i had the same comments on the december's focp mock exam, my psychiatry's assessment, cidr mock oslar, dermatology's oslar and yesterday's cidr final assessment, they cant all be lying, can they? and the fact that they gave the grades based on the whole group of tutors and assessors' meeting on thursday afternoon, they cant be lying, can they? but when someone belittles you and purposedly tries to put you down, it kinda sad. dengki and jealousy, when all i want is to be with myself, to pass my exams with S-es and tak kacau org lain. i definite definitely tak kacau org lain. if they pass, i'm happy, if they pass with merits, then i'm happier. those who know me knows that i'm not competitive.

i'm not sure what's wrong with THAT girl. i tried to reflect upon myself, maybe it is me who make her act like that. i try to reason with her for 9 months now, believe me i've tried hard. it is not my fault that the gp surgery where we used to work together doesnt want her, but they offer me a permanent post instead. apparently the doc's secretary (who shared the same office as me) told me various bad things about what THAT girl did that resulted her to be sacked, like she used the internet and telephone sukahati die and messed with the doc's room. all of these happened last easter when i went back to malaysia.

it's a surprise how and why do i still with her. sometimes i do lost my temper and almost shout at her but the keyword here is almost. i might be rude to her sometimes but most of the time i just avoid her whenever she annoys me with stupid questions like 'why are you nervous' when i have to present my slides in 5 secs, 'why do you wear glasses' when she knows i wear glasses for ages, and 'why are those girls wear short skirts', 'do you think x fancy me' bla bla bla. keyword = sabar. never in my life i meet this kind of person. it makes super bitch less bitch haha. super bitch tends to stab people's back and talam 2 muka. while THAT girl is just plain rude, selfish, arrogant and doesnt respect people. kiatsu gak.

see, tho today i received some good feedback for my 8-week cidr rotation, but i was kinda down, just a little bit. i know there are people out there who thinks i'm stupid to be put down easily over stupid little things like seeing some old friends gathering, or when i lose my bag. i am indeed sensitive, and i tend to blame myself, and this leads me being depressed. but i think that's better that blaming other people around you and think you are always right (like THAT girl). i know blaming myself is bad, but it's better that being big-headed, right? i just like to mind my own business, do my own thing and definitely tak kacau org lain. so, why bother?

please please jgn kacau hidup aku. when someone said 'susah2 simpan, then lebur saving macam tu je beli tiket balik malaysia, skrg saving takda', pastuh siap gelak2, then questioning on how i spend my scholarship money, then you ARE kacauing my life. ckp about me behind my back. you know who you are. if you want war, i'll give you one. i dont hate you, but i'll never like you. i worked hard for my spm and i deserved my scholarship. and i didnt used my scholarship money to buy those flight ticket. bear in your stupid asshole mind that aku keje and i dont ask you or your dad's money bile aku takde duit. i know you are reading this. BEWARE.