My World

finally i have some time to write something in here.

these past few days had been the most stressful days ever! at that time i was still home alone and the house was messier than ever. supposed to have my child health assessment on thursday last week but the patient didnt turn out so they asked me to come again on friday. when i went there the next morning, it turned out that there wasnt any clinic AT ALL on friday morning. bloody hell. like i have the whole time in the world to come back and forth to attend a non-existing clinic. i was really annoyed and hence wrote some nasty entry before this one before i decided to delete it off. why? because no one, even myself, would like to read an angry entry.

then on the weekend i had to finish my 2000words essay. bukan sebarang essay, it was a literature review essay and super bloody hell, i had to spend the whole weekend at the library trying to get some journals. and i think the final result was the worst ever essay i've ever written. and yeah, i need to do some presentation as well on my essay topic. bloody stupid. i usually do my written essay stuff earlier, but since the practical assessment supposed to be on the thursday before the weekends, and being a total try-hard-but-useless organised person, i hope to settle things one step at the time, like practical essay first, then essay, then presentation. tapi bila satu tersangkut, everything got mixed up, and being org yg cepat gelabah, things gone from bad to worse.

then on the weekend byk plak dugaan. not a bad one, well dugaan IS dugaan, they got lots of good stuff on the tv that weekend (?? dugaan). they had F1 on both days, then wimbledon final on BOTH days as well, and live8 concert, on BOTH days as well, since they had it live for all live8 concerts around the world and that the time zone difference made it that bbc1 and 2 had them live both days. and..we had to kemas rumah as well since the families and guests are coming the next week.

on top of all, i didnt receive my monthly allowance this month. something got miscommunicate at mara kl. just what i needed...another financial hassle..another stress

monday was an anxious one. i couldnt wait to see ct again, donno, i miss her i admit, and i miss seeing a familiar face. went back home to see her (=D) but then got really panicky when i realised about the presentation AND practical assessment the next day (they reschedule it again for last week hassle). bloody nervous. panic about the presentation, i know my essay, which i handed it on monday and is the topic of my presentation IS a crap, and also the practical assessment in the afternoon. panic panic, i started to have my palpitation and sweating and all those sympathetic symptoms again. i wasnt sure what to do, i know i have to do my work but i couldnt because of being too scared. then i realised it's time for me to test the relaxation muscle tape that i was given during the stress control class (gp sent me there). plus a coffee, yup, with caffeine. after that i felt relaxed and calm, yet motivated and had the most beneficial 6 hours of my time, doing my presentation and revising. very good.

just found out that even tho i take coffee with caffeine, + a full and tiring day, the caffeine doesnt disturb my sleep, like what happen in the past. we'll see what happen in the future eh, whether caffeine will affect my sleep or not hmm..

today was a full one, as predicted. had the morning filled with presentation, and mine was the last one, i hate being last, i just want to get it over with, then i realised one big useful thing: the last presentation wont be asked as many questions as the first presentation. cos by then everyone's tired of asking questions or that they run out of ideas etc etc. why didnt i realised this before? (cos you just cant wait to get it over with and then pay the consequence of having to answer thousand questions). the presentation went well, fuh, well, i wasnt sure about my grade, but they seemed satisfied (again, i might misjudge, but who cares, i'm done with the presentation anyway). had to go straight to gp surgery in the afternoon for the summative assessment (bloody too much assessment, but basically it is for my last week assessment at the gp surgery gila bapak stress but some of it is over now). after that, i went back straight to the hosp to have my all-awaited child health practical assessment. finally. i was determine not to go back home until they assessed me. not that i want to be assessed, it's something that is needed to be done to pass this rotation and i want to be done with. and i HAD my assessment. got a sweet lil boy who lost his conciousness at school, some head injury, then vomitted while i examined him (a. ha. WHILE. i. examined. him.) so i hope all med students + young dr out there know where i'm going at (LOC -> head injury ->vomiting..) anyway, it went well and i finished at about 6. fuh..

went back home to join ct and em and their families for dinner at komal. good food. thanks ct. went back home to meet nadine (yeyeyeyeyye) and his family (cikgu haja ade kat umah aku SEKARANG.. can you believe that? gile terkesima sat tgk die first time nga nga nga). cant help myself. anyway, i'm really happy tonite to see ct, nadine and em again, along with their family. everybody's home and i'm happy :)

couldnt help but to hope my mum is here. it would be a very awkward scene to see my parents mix with my friends' parents. dont you think so? i've always this thought in my mind: school and home ARE 2 different places, or even 2 different dimensions, and that they could not possibly exist together. like i used to live with wirda, liza, mus, and laila, and all those wing-mates at taiping, but i never ever bring them to my house. it wouldnt be acceptable. in my mind. donno. so..back to reality world, altho i wish my mum is here with me right now, i dont think my mind will be able to accept it. haha weirdo think i should get some sleep now. think this is the coffee effect that i drank before the practical assessment this afternoon. or maybe my endophine aka happy hormone was too high tonight as a result of seeing my housemates again. or maybe the indian food that we had at komal which has high cholesterol level. and i think my blog has more medical terms now that it used to. rite...fine...good night :)

ps:/ there 12 people in my house at the mo, and there's 1 toilet. haha we'll managa..

ps:/ congratulations to nadine and em who graduate tomoro!! if my day ends early tomoro, i'll go and see ya at king's hall ok?

apologise on my last entry.

i shouldnt let in out loud like that.

i was really angry. am still angry.

i'm so angry.

:(

body shop is soo bagus! hihi. went to royal quays on saturday to buy my bro's stuff for his wedding (it's next june but i dont want to be a late organiser). dah la 50-60% off the high street prices, then got 3 for 2 for all gift packs, then they got 20% off somemore since i got the body shop card, then they gave me a gift pack worth 5quids since i've spent more than 20pounds. best best best best.

yup, you heard it right, i'm gonna be the organiser for my bro's wedding. well, one of the organiser. my mum couldnt be the organiser, she's far more anxious than i am, both me and my sis think mum couldnt stand all the pressure. and my sis doesnt like all this nits and bits, she's a career woman afterall. me on the other hand, would love to take the job! mum always said i belong to my dad's family, i like to sew, crossstich, cook, gubah bunga etc etc and of course i would love to organise a wedding! but there's one big fat problem - i'm 11,000km away from the venue itself. really wish i could be in malaysia and prepare the event. i know it's one year away, but since my family has never organised this kind of event before, and they dont know much about the actual tradition ('ape beza risik and tunang hah na?', 'berapa dulang pihak laki kene hanta huh?', 'what colour would you think the best for your bro?','ape hah mama nk pakai? brp hari hah event?'etc etc) so it would be a tough job, especially since we're not closed to our relatives. it's good that they plan to do it in kuantan, at least mama and abah got lots of friends who can help them. wa wa i wish to do all the hantaran, book the mak andam and pelamin, choose bunga telur, involve with the dress, design the bedroom etc.

anyway, back to present day. saturday was a bit weird. i woke up early to go to royal quays so that i can be back early and read some books after that. at about 6pm ish i felt so ever bored and went to watch the tv but there wasnt anything at all. at. all. then me and yus decided to get nad's dvds and we watched several movies (i choose! hihi). first we watched lion king (??) then the pirates of the carribean, then we watched the return of the king: the extended version. gile 4 hours for the last movie. but it was worth it. they cut lots of scene on the cinema version. anyway, i went to bed at 5am-ish (dah terang benderang kat luar) and woke up at noon and went straight to the bath tub and stayed there for an hour. haha.

missed the friday part. went to hosp later that day for some lectures and went straight to metro centre after that! sale sale! shopping shopping! i like the sale environment, not only for the reduced price, but also the people, the shops ie the 'sale environment' is different. this might sound weird; i hate crowds, but only in crowds that have familiar faces ie people that i know exist but dont know that well. but i like to mingle around crowds of strangers, these people i dont have the pressure to smile, to say hi, to be friendly. in a crowd of strangers, like in shopping malls, everyone is a stranger, so that's allrite for me. that's why i like the 'sale environment', cos there will be lots of people there that i can mingle around and all of them are strangers who i dont have to smile or say hi. why do i like to mingle around crowds of strangers? cos it makes me feel my existance in this world. haha weirdo

ok ok got to go. yus ajak pie town to buy some empty videotape to record OC for cik ct who is currently in jeddah with her parents. me? since i dont have any plan (what about your revision plan huh cik elly? muahihi jalan2 kejap je :P) so i decided to go to town as well. gonna write about my nine west shoes (!!) later hihi. me loving it!

mode: malas. i rephrase: super malas. cant seem to bother with anything. life's so bored. i am bored.

weather has been misrably super hot since weekend. me dont like hot. panas gile. have to put sun block everyday. have to bring sunblock and a hat everyday. panas gile. bet next month gonna be hotter. i dont want to get darker. as if i am not. like i'm gonna bother.

i'm getting more and more fickle minded each day. i cant seem to make any, i mean, ANY decision at all nowadays. i have to pause a while and my mind then work non-stop thinking about ALL the possibilities if i do A, or B, or C and so on. even super simple stuff like what to cook for dinner seems hard work for me. i cant seem to make any decision. and i'm supposed to not to bother with anything. huh yeah rite.

so, i didnt eat anything for dinner today as i cant seem to make up my mind on things that i want to eat. stupid or what.

you can say i'm not in the best of mood. blame it on the weather.

i'm bloody bored. nobody's at home. the one's at home is currently sick. lagipun dont think dia wanna hang out with me. me and my fickle mindedness. me and my psychoticness. me and my bipolarness. am i not supposed to like to spend time with myself? i usually go shopping alone, wandering in town alone, cooks alone etc etc. and now when everybody had gone home, and me missing their company? altho i dont hang out with them often, but i do like their presence. it's nice to know someone is at home. it's glad to know someone is in the kitchen, or in the bathroom. it's good to know someone's there, and that they know that i'm here, that i exist in this world. sometimes i do question about my own existence, dont ask me why, it just part of my complicatedness i guess. so now when i'm home alone, the question pops up again; do i exist or is it just a memory? what if it's all in my mind? that i'm actually somewhere else, like being in a coma and all of these are just inside my mind? or like in matrix, that it's all part of a programme? or what if i'm actually in a mental institute and all of these are just a fantasy in my mind? has anyone out there ever thought this way? or am i just a freak?

see, before i know, it happens.

think i should stop now before i confuse you (and me) more. summer sale has started. and i just received my gaji yesterday and of course i want to spend some of it as i deserve it haha. ok ok i went to eldon sq this afternoon but i didnt buy anything. which is good of me :). i didnt expect to receive my gaji yesterday (i thought it's next week) and since it's my OWN money i deserve to do what i want with it. tak kacau saving punye. why do i have to reason myself? cos i dont want some assholes out there to question my spending, duit government la, duit saving la, it's my OWN money and you dont have the right to say anything ha ha

monday was disasterous. sleep was horrible the night before. had various non-stop stupid dreams and i woke up feeling rather dizzy and numb and blank. stupid medicine, i had to come to the hosp nevertheless as i was supposed to present my case report and thus i couldnt ponteng. i was very very grumpy and cursed everything. took the bus and everybody could see my 'berani pandang aa, nk kene bunuh?' expression. then the bodoh consultant asked me about ethics. bloody hell. if ade pistol or senapang gajah or batang kayu or batang paip mmg aku dah hempuk kepala org tua tu. then someone kept on bugging me (who else?). went back home feeling very very grumpy and went straight to bed. woke up 2 hours later to cook dinner for me and yus. i made soup, yus tak sihat sgt. had to take paracetamol to help me sleep last night. think i am lucky to need to take only paracetamol to help me sleep. i once took a sleeping tablet and i was totally 'dead' for 16 hours straight. vowed myself there and then to not taking weird tablets again. paracetamol made my sleep smooth and sound.

today was another busy day. had some teaching sessions in the morning til noon and then we were off to gp surgery. had to present another case there. we finished at about 3ish and had to go straight to cullercoats to meet a patient at his house. thank god it was a straight forward case, it took just under an hour to get a full history. went back to newcastle at 5ish and singgah jln2 kat fenwick sat. shit, they are on sale. nine west shoes. handbags. pink. 50%. bloody hell, mmg nk duga aku betul. i hope not to touch my saving this month, and i'll try to stick to my promise. no more eldon sq this week. to not spend is to avoid haha.

ye ye tonite's csi. dont think i want to cook tonite. sori yus. malas weh. tomoro's my last day at work, not my last ever lah, i'll be taking a month off to study for the july exams. the good thing is they will still pay me. kire macam me taking annual leave lah. yee haa.

kuatkan lah semangatku not to spend on nine west. or mng. dah la mng dah bukak kat metro centre. then they will open TGIF kat the gate. so newcastle's almost complete. if only they have wagamama here and i'll never leave newcastle again :) hikhik

saturday was a productive one. managed to talk to huda before i went to bed the night before. lega. baguslah she's safe and sound with nik in london. woke up the next morning to call sayang while i was still on the bed. heaven. i would love to hear his voice every morning, but i know it's not possible since he'll be at his work on weekdays by the time i woke up here. rindunye kat mamat tu... anyway lets not go there..

after that i sorted out my notes and filled up my organiser (dream on, you know you dont have an organiser cause you dont know how to use them + you are not organised yourself hehe) ok, ok, i printed out calendar from the net for the month june and july with some space for each day and filled it up with all my appointments, datelines etc. puas hati? (i'm talking to myself here..reminder: i do have 2 minds you know). then i managed to do this and that, filled up a few holes, set in my mind for the things that i have to do for june and july (gile pack, seriously). then bile penat, pie tgk tv sat. there wasnt anything on the tele so i decided to go to town (best nyer ade bus pass). went to whsmith to buy A4 notepad and i bought not one, not two, but 4 of them. lawa. tgh sale. i'm a bit fussy (you said wanting an A4 notepad which has ringbinds and hardcover is not fussy? hmm come to think of it..you are not that fussy huh).

well, i have a certain criteria for my stationery, like i prefer certain pens and pencils but that doesnt mean that i wont use other type of pens and pencils huh. so, these notepads from whsmith are really nice. it has macintosh design in front and it's on sale so i bought all 4 of them (do you have to buy 4 huh?) it reminds me of the day when i went to the body shop's factory outlet in north shields a few weeks ago. being in factory outlet, of course the stuff there are cheap compared to high street prices. i ended up buying 7 different shower creams; apple, peach, banana, raspberry, satsumas, lavender and my favourite, chocolate & orange (i still cant believe they HAVE this flavour..so i bought 2 hehe.. gile..choco & orange flavour??) gile best leh tukar2 flavour everyday.

anyway, back to present day, lepas beli notepads, me was like 'nk wat ape 4 200page notepads huh' so i went back home and watched F1 USA qualifying live at ITV2 (go raikonen go!) then i decided to make mee hokkien lepas baca nadine's blog ckp die makan mee hokkien kat malaysia (nak gak nak gak!) i heard about mee hokkien before but dont think i've tasted it so i was a bit frustated with the end result. it's either the cook book's recipe or dah mmg mee hokkien mmg taste macam tu, but i followed exactly like what in the cook book. anyway, since dah buat, makan je la (sorry yus!)

then i rearranged my room, again. it's just this one corner that i wasnt fully satisfied. an hour and a half later, with some numb wrist and back ache, i think i'm satisfied now. then yus plak in the mood to kemas.. the whole house! nadine's stuff were all over the house plus ellina's stuff in the store room, so yus thought it would be better to kemas the store room and put nadine's stuff inside as well, and to put the unused store room's single sofa into the living room, and put the unused double bed to ground floor for sadiq, the landlord, to pick it up on monday. dont forget to hoover the whole house as well. and we did that. bile dah abis, terus aa tido..penat. oh ye, me chatted with ellina b4 that. talking to 3 most fav people in 1 day? this is bonus, man.

woke up this morning with aches and pains all over my body. sayang called me (muehehe) and i know i'll be in good mood today. baru sedar i havent bath for 60 hours (oh no!) so i decided to use the bath tub. best best. me like bath tub. a lot. mandi 1 jam. tade org kat umah so bath tub to aku yg punyer yee haa. so at the moment i'm sitting in front of my laptop, eating toast with black coffee (decaf, of course) and trying to write my case report as well hihi. another 4 hours to go b4 F1 live (race day!). not sure what to cook. better ask yus ape die nk makan. i dont mind cooking but i hate making decision on what to cook. i hate making decision.

not bad for a home alone. ok ok back to work.