My World

guess what? i've got diarrhoea pulak. along with 3 other of my groupmates. ade pelik sket, i've got almost no abdo pain, just watery diarrhoea. they suspect it is something contagious, but then mine was a bit delayed compared to others. dono *shrugs*

anyway, i should have known this would happen. i think the nearer i am to the finals, my body system seems to go haywired. last time when i had my finals, i got shingles. shingles is not kayap ok, it's a result of the remnants of chicken pox virus. i had chicken pox before, but it was way years before, like when i was in standard 2? so that was like 20 years ago. then besides that i got quite a bad neck eczema that stucked there for more or less 4 months. self reminder: to take care of my neck skin more cautiously this time around..

anyway, hope i can get through all these. hope things are not getting worse. just one thing, besides the diarrhoea, my mouth taste like s*** (like i know how that's taste like haha). i'm soo nauseous. buat ku terpk.. adakah ini rasenye when i get pregnant? tak bestnye! so so rase nak muntah, cannot drink plain water at all, can only yg berperisa ones.

and those maxolon tabs (went to see dr yesterday) makes my body weak throughout. dono why la. but it does lessen the nauseousness..

and for those concerned.. i aint pregnant.. not a chance.. just to let you know..

but with all these stresses, my period has also gone haywired. cannot plot any cycle anymore. aiyo..

a few weeks back some of my friends said to me that they were amazed to see how calm and unstressful i was about the finals, well compared to the others, they said. well, they have nooo idea whatsoever what will happen when i'm stressed out. i try, the best i can, to avoid being stressfull. i do my job, have my own schedule, do this and that, all in my own time and place. just like someone just mentioned to me last week, 'a one man soldier'. i think it's true, although i never think of that phrase before.

so when this last couple of weeks when some of us had to live together, as in sleep right next to each other, eat everything together, everything together-gether, i feel restricted, suffocated. like why the hell are you in front of my face everyday? i see you, you see me. do this together, do that together. i like to do things on my own. i need my space!

then i started to stress out. when i stressed out, i dont think i'm that a good person. in fact, i'll be vain. i'll be moody. trying in vain to keep things to myself. but when you live where everything is together-gether, this is impossible. and to make things worse, i'm also, what some people said, quite (very) self-cautious. i tend to avoid this thought usually by maintaining a good distance from everybody else. but when you live like together-gether, i start to think what other people would think of me. i'll be like 'oh i should not be that moody, what would other people think of me? i should be more socialable', then my other head would said 'what the hell? who are they to ask you too many questions and be in such close proximity with you and invade you privacy? you should act what you feel like.'

then i became all stressed out. god knows how grateful i am to own a car. i cant thank enough of my dad for giving me a car, although i bet he doesnt have a clue how big role is my car to me. when i'm all stressed out, i would just leave. drive away and be as far away from those who are in close contact to me before. then after i've gained my senses, i'll return back. then the next day, it'll happen all over again. sigh.

it's weird isnt it? some people like the together-getherness. some people go to class together, wait each other, then eat together, study together, hang-out together. some even go to holiday together with each other, masak2 together. i just cant. i cant even stand spending a few hours with my own relatives during hari raya. there's nothing wrong with them, i just hate the questions-answers part. i would feel like 'why are you asking me these questions? and why do i have to answer all these questions?'

my own family? it's difficult to answer. i cant hate them because i love them too much. and they know me, so they dont ask that many questions. and because they know me, they dont ask that many questions, got it? the first one because they would have known the answer of their questions already since they're close family, or usually i've informed them earlier. the second one, they dont ask that many questions because they know i would not like to be questioned at. got it?

anyway, what about hubby? he's, what you say, a total exception. he broke all the rules in my life. weird, i dont know how that happen tho, seriously. with him, i dont mind spending my whole day staring at his face haha. with him, i dont mind hanging out, day and night, what i say, together-gether haha. he's one weird species i tell you. i cannot apply any of my so-called rule on him. like i'm this one independent woman who drives herself, do shopping herself, watch movie herself, carry groceries herself, but with him, i'd like to be taken care of. i even ask him to carry my handbag when we go out. so so weird la.

anyway, dah terlari topic plak. my point is that i'm a one man (or woman) soldier, who lives with my own rigid rules of life, either conciously or subconciously (altho one human so far doesnt apply to it). and when these rules are broken, or shaken, my head (and body system) can get haywired and will start to stress out and malfunction. (hmm i make it sound like a robot pulak haha). anyway, i do like my friends, i think generally they're nice people, they are like other normal people with feelings and emotions, and variable personalities (so true). so with this, i'm not blaming anyone. not me, not you. you build your personality based on your background experience, and so do i. i turned out like this because my family itself is a 'one family soldier' and we dont interact much with our relatives and neighbours. plus i had a 7 years experience of living all by myself, so obviously i cannot that easily to let other people into my life. so for this, i rest my case. hope now my head can be calm, and hopefully, function well. also hope that now my body can function well too.

huh it feels so much relief to let it out of my chest. i definitely need this, at least i know my head and body need this kind of evaluation. weird stuff i tell you!