My World

sgt penat.

at ulu hexham GH all day, finished at 6. good stuff tho. met this egyptian gynaecologist who was nasty at first and asked question like 'what is the normal volume of menstruation and how do we measure them?' and me was like 'huh?' but he was good tho, esp with the statistics. good teaching, but later on when he knew i'm from malaysia, he eased off but asked random questions like 'what do your father do as a living' and 'how about marriage and family after graduation' and me was like 'huh?' i made a conclusion that he's concern and friendly and not more than that.

i was pretty sure i can provide better answers if i got enuff sleep last night, as i did some reading b4 i went to bed. i only managed to sleep not more than 4 hours last night and as predicted today i was like a zombie, wide awake but blank in mind. i tried hard tho to concentrate, and now i have a headache. sakit kapala for trying hard to use some overtired brain cells.

i couldnt sleep last night because i was scared of the july exams. scared. cuak. panic. suffocated. ntah la, lately ni i wasnt feeling very well. i almost pengsan on sunday, twice, mmg rase the room spinning around. not sure what caused it. mentally, i'm very very worried of the july exam. my mind tends to drift a lot and then suddenly it felt really heavy and overload with emotions. pk byk sgt. that's my main problem. physically, i dont eat as much as i used to. rase malas nk makan, sometimes i even forgot to eat. time just past by and eating is not part of it. i just..forgot. tiap2 kali monyet tepon, die mesti tanye dah makan ke lom. bless him. he knows me lupe nk makan tu tanda tak bagus. camne nk makan..byk sgt dlm kepala. but now i do eat, paksa makan tu huh, nk telan pun kene paksa.

pk byk sgt. how aa to not to think too much? i think from good things to bad things, future stuff to past stuff, from career stuff, medicine, family, money to my cold toes. how do i take these stuff off my head?

anyway, since dah janji ngn monyet, i got to eat now. paksa telan gak. am very tired now, hopefully i manage to get some good sleep tonite (and some food in my throat). tomoro pun all day wards and clinics work. byk nyer kene baca. plus revision for july. takut gila. gila takut sampai rase nk muntah

good morning

am having my breakfast at the moment. decaf nescafe with brown sugar and coffeemate, and 4 pieces of toast white bread with butter and sugar. i thought of having my usual toast bread with choco spread, then i suddenly remember sweet old kmys days. wirda liked toast white bread with butter and sugar A LOT. i'm not sure whether she still like it or not. havent seen her for some time, the last time was last year at my engagement ceremony, and takkan la nk tanye about white bread with butter and sugar. well, she's getting married soon, like, in 2 weeks time, tho i'm not there, at least i'm thinking about her. i remember liza with her purple dress, mus with her elle's platform sandals, and laila with her turtles. nice old memories.

there were 5 of us back then and i'm the only one left unmarried. mus married first, then laila and liza, and wirda will be married soon. the first two have already had babies too. havent met them tho. i bet liza will be getting one soon after she finishes her final hihi. maybe wirda too hihi. congrates.

well, that's not what i have in mind to write this morning.

ellina came to newcastle on thursday. me sukahati gila bobeng, you couldnt believe how happy i was to meet her. miss talking to her A LOT. she didnt stay over as she's catching a flight to US on friday. but we managed to spend a few hours with ourselves and talked like there's no tomoro haha. hope you have a safe and nice trip to US.

saturday was a long day. we had our 3rd BBQ yesterday, with yus's favourite honey & lemon chicken, and black pepper & rosemary steak. i made the usual coleslaw, and ct made potato salad and apple crumble with custard. yum yum. zareen was there too. and i met someone's sister too. oh my god...mak..lawanya nko... seriously mind blowing gile cun tahap gaban nyer. lawa lawa lawaaaaaa. tak puas mata memandang...drooling...cant take my eyes off her.. oh me sooo like beautiful girls...

anyway, we had a good bbq yesterday. i think i talked a lot for these past few days. i dont like it. i feel like i asked too many questions and interfered people's privacy. i feel like i reveal too much and i dont like it.

no plan for today. finished my cidr rotation last week and will have obs & gynae next week. not sure what to read. maybe i read about babies, babies, and more babies! ye ha!

nah. think i'm gonna watch tv and enjoy this free time while i can haha. have a nice day!

had a busy week. not packed, just busy preparing for my final assessment and presentation for CIDR rotation. had my presentation on tuesday, it went ok apart from when someone kinda changed my slides a bit (damn you bitch.. yup THAT girl) but i managed to remain calm and was able to answer most of the questions single handedly. phew. then i had my final assessment yesterday, thanks to ct for helping me the night before, i managed to impress the examiner who gave me some good marks and comments. nice. i think i prefer oslar than osce, i cant tolerate the time pressure in osce, and i prefer one-to-one question-answer session. phew. that was a relief.

so today i had a feedback session. apparently all the tutors and assessors had a meeting yesterday to decide on our final grades. as usual, i dont aim for anything more than S, and was surprised they gave me some merits. guess it is good to have a low expectation so that when you get something better, you'll be surprised and grateful. i am indeed grateful and happy and determine to work hard and pass my july exam. i want to have a full 5 weeks summer hols so that i can go home and be with my family and monyet. i also want to pass this 3rd year exam so that i can do the options that i choose in 4th year next year, especially the medical physics one in the cancer centre in NGH where i hope to arrange privately. see, i try to motivate myself to keep me going. am currently in a grateful and motivate and stable mode.

apparently not everyone is grateful for what they have. like one boy in my course who got all merits except for his attendance in which he got an S (apparently no one can get M for attendance) and he kept on complaining about it. and the girl that i hate (yup THAT girl) got 2 Borderlines, one for her motivation and one for ethical issue. she said it is not fair since i got an S for my ethics but i didnt participate much in the ethical group. and unfortunately (for her) i got an M for my motivation and she was very pissed off about that. she said she came to every session and has a better attendance than me. she kept on bragging for all the things she did better than me and made me feel useless. and she said these all aloud and made me like a tugul. i just left the room and stayed in the library and tried to think of all the good comments the assessors gave me.

i hate it when people questioned my grades. it made me think as if i dont deserve the grade they gave me. fine, i know i'm not that good, but i work hard this year cos i really want to pass my july exam and most of my examiners told me i have good knowledge and good examination skills especially on my skills with patients and they cant all be lying, can they? i had the same comments on the december's focp mock exam, my psychiatry's assessment, cidr mock oslar, dermatology's oslar and yesterday's cidr final assessment, they cant all be lying, can they? and the fact that they gave the grades based on the whole group of tutors and assessors' meeting on thursday afternoon, they cant be lying, can they? but when someone belittles you and purposedly tries to put you down, it kinda sad. dengki and jealousy, when all i want is to be with myself, to pass my exams with S-es and tak kacau org lain. i definite definitely tak kacau org lain. if they pass, i'm happy, if they pass with merits, then i'm happier. those who know me knows that i'm not competitive.

i'm not sure what's wrong with THAT girl. i tried to reflect upon myself, maybe it is me who make her act like that. i try to reason with her for 9 months now, believe me i've tried hard. it is not my fault that the gp surgery where we used to work together doesnt want her, but they offer me a permanent post instead. apparently the doc's secretary (who shared the same office as me) told me various bad things about what THAT girl did that resulted her to be sacked, like she used the internet and telephone sukahati die and messed with the doc's room. all of these happened last easter when i went back to malaysia.

it's a surprise how and why do i still with her. sometimes i do lost my temper and almost shout at her but the keyword here is almost. i might be rude to her sometimes but most of the time i just avoid her whenever she annoys me with stupid questions like 'why are you nervous' when i have to present my slides in 5 secs, 'why do you wear glasses' when she knows i wear glasses for ages, and 'why are those girls wear short skirts', 'do you think x fancy me' bla bla bla. keyword = sabar. never in my life i meet this kind of person. it makes super bitch less bitch haha. super bitch tends to stab people's back and talam 2 muka. while THAT girl is just plain rude, selfish, arrogant and doesnt respect people. kiatsu gak.

see, tho today i received some good feedback for my 8-week cidr rotation, but i was kinda down, just a little bit. i know there are people out there who thinks i'm stupid to be put down easily over stupid little things like seeing some old friends gathering, or when i lose my bag. i am indeed sensitive, and i tend to blame myself, and this leads me being depressed. but i think that's better that blaming other people around you and think you are always right (like THAT girl). i know blaming myself is bad, but it's better that being big-headed, right? i just like to mind my own business, do my own thing and definitely tak kacau org lain. so, why bother?

please please jgn kacau hidup aku. when someone said 'susah2 simpan, then lebur saving macam tu je beli tiket balik malaysia, skrg saving takda', pastuh siap gelak2, then questioning on how i spend my scholarship money, then you ARE kacauing my life. ckp about me behind my back. you know who you are. if you want war, i'll give you one. i dont hate you, but i'll never like you. i worked hard for my spm and i deserved my scholarship. and i didnt used my scholarship money to buy those flight ticket. bear in your stupid asshole mind that aku keje and i dont ask you or your dad's money bile aku takde duit. i know you are reading this. BEWARE.

bodoh

stood there for 10 minutes to remember my pin number. all i had in my pocket was 1 pound and that wasnt enough for the bus fare to north tyneside hosp. complete mental block. i've used my debit card for more than a year and yet i just stood there in front of the 3rd atm machine, wondering why the hell it said wrong pin number? sebbaik got this voice behind my head telling me it would be really really menyusahkan if my card kene telan. and all i had was 1 pound.

obviously, after just stood there for 10 minutes, then i realised i've been using my old old pin number. bodoh. then it (still) took me a while to remember back my new pin number (it's not new, bodoh you've been using that pin for a year). so where and how can i get my new pin number? lor..sebbaik bwk my handphone, i put it there for this kind of situation. then i got my money, missed the 1st and 2nd bus and the 3rd bus was late and i arrived at the hosp 1/2hour late. rase bodoh giler

obviously i got something in my mind that got me blur all morning.

fine. fine. i wont play bluff again. ever EVER.

all i did was childish and foolish.

it haunts me all night, and obviously, this morning as well.

childish. foolish. bodoh

i'm not good in apologising but i think i deserve a (or 2, or 3, or any number) really good smack on the head. hard. anyone?

the best way is to keep my distance from everyone.

definitely need an anger management. i've been hurting everyone around me. psycho violent stupid ignorant selfish me

Survey 1

[Last ] letter of ur FULL name?
A

[ Last ] thing you ate?
kuih raya shanti, my housemate

[ Last ] thing u drank?
air kosong

[ Last ] song you listened to?
Cant Get You Out of My Head by Kylie Minogue

[ Last ] thing u did?
pie toilet and do the thing that you do in the toilet lah

[ Last ] movie you watched?
The Interpreter. me like it :)

[ Last ] TV show you watched?
ER

[Last ] time you cleaned your room?
this morning

[Last ] CD you bought?
maroon 5 from petaling st hehe

[ Last ] word you said?
good nite shanti..

[ Last ] person who you chatted online
mu'azzah

[ Last ] person u added to ur list?
lamo gilo tak add. the last one was a year ago, i think

[ Last ] website you browsed?
my yahoo to read my horoscope

[ Last ] time you shopped?
2 days ago, at the hosp cafeteria to get my lunch (it's that consider shopped? i did spend)

[ Last ] person you hated?
that girl from my course

[ Last ] person u were thinking of?
monyet

[ Last ] time u fell sick?
just now. makan byk sgt..as usual heheh

[ Last ] place you went to?
toilet

[ Last ] friend who sent you e-mail?
adi who sent me the mara reclaim form

[ Last ] time you laughed?
just now with adi who called me

[Last ] topic you memorized?
lymphoma stuff for my presentation this tuesday

[ Last ] person you would never forget ?
my family, of course

[Last ] thing to tell the one you really felt sorry ?
sorry..?

[ Last ] thing to tell your enemy ?
go and kill yourself

[ Last ] thing you could wish for?
please give me a baby now..

[Last ] thing to say ?
takmo pie sekolah esok!

Survey 2

1. What color is most reflective of you?
red! but some says it's deep chocolate

2. How did you get the idea for your blogname?
elly + azali = ellyz (?) hehe

3.What time were you born?
0421

4.What song you wish you are playin?
why do you love me, by garbage

5. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
nope

6.What color of clothes are you wearing?
pink

7. Do you want a baby?
I WANT NOW!! (gile desperate..)

8. What is your pet's name?
dont have one at the moment. the previous were trunx1, trunx2, trunx3.. so can guess lah the name of my future pet

9. What color are your bedsheets?
light blue with some light pink

10. What are the last 4 digits of your phone?
8387

11. What song are you playing now?
more more more, by kylie

12. What was the last concert you attended?
am a concert virgin hahha

13. Who was with you?
shanti, ct, yus and nad

14. What was the last movie you saw?
the interpreter

15. Who do you like most at this moment?
kylie!!

16. What food are you craving right now?
nasi ayam mama

17. Did you dream last night?
em.. weird..it was something with nadine..dont ask me what cos i cant remember

18.What was the last tv show you watched?
ER

19.What is your fave piece of jewelry?
dont like to wear one. maybe the necklace mama gave me

20. What is to the left of you?
a m&s bag filled with junk food, hanging on the wall

21. What was the last thing you ate?
kuih raya shanti (man..repeated question from diff surveys..shouldnt do both at the same time huh)

22. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex?
monyet

23. Write a song lyric that's in your head?
la la la la

24. What song is that from?
cant get you out of my head, by kylie

25. Who the last person you talked to?
adi called me just now

26. What is your favourite colours?
pink... malu doh

27. Do you have a crush?
hihi

28. What is his/her name?
kylie...seriously

29. What shampoo do you use?
loreal liss extreme

30. When was the last you cut your hair?
february, i think

31. What is your favourite subject?
maths and physics

32. Do you have a mental disease?
err..mmm..dono

33. What shirt are you wearing?
my sister's pink polo t-shirt

34. What time is it?
2331

35. What is your favourite drink?
air bali suam

36. Are you sexy?/Are you gay?
sexy? no. gay? no. bisexual? maybe :)

37. Whats your favorite shopping stores?
depends. mango. currently i like next

good nite

doaku termakbul!! michael schumacher nyer tayar pancit MUAHAHAHAHA. finally raikonen won with a more than 20sec lead. sad to see alonso didnt win in his own hometown, but having had michael schumacher's tyre flat, that is enough to make today another good day for me yey!

another reason to a good day is that i finally finish my presentation ye ha! siap ct check lagi. wanted to mention this for a long time - final years are soo hebat! their knowledge..fuh..complete and thorough. tho i only knew 2 final year medics and both of them hebat gile, knowledge wise. fuh wish i could be like them..wise and knowledgable..dream on mak nenek pie bukak buku aa hehe sengih kambing..

not sure what else to right. maybe i'll write more tonite.

er..not so good for my study as i'm supposed to finish my presentation for the final assessment next tuesday. ha ha still got sunday tomoro (pandai...in a sacastic way). with a bloated and cramped tummy, and a weird saturday weather (panas, hujan, panas balik, hujan+snow sket, then panas terik balik), what else to do beside sitting on my beanbag in front of the tele with the warmth of my chequered fleece and the tv remote on my right hand and coffee (decaf of course) on my left and enjoy the saturday tv. classic.

it's the spanish f1 this weekend! almost missed the 1st qualifying session this morning as i totally forgot about it (camne leh lupe..pie letak kat calendar!). as usual, i enjoyed every second of it and when it finished and i was about to start writing my presentation, my mind suddenly (..more like, usually) thinking of monyet. we had an argument earlier this week (more like... me carik pasal sbb bosan + pms..excuses) and when he said

• (pause)..'tak kisahlah' in his own unique tone (something not right)
• ..'elly ade otak sendiri, boleh pikir sendiri (mmg sudah tanda bahya)
• then we say goodbye and i say the usual 'love you' and he didnt reply 'love you too' but just 'ermm' (alert alert danger danger monyet sudah marah sign do not bombard him with ANY question whatsoever even if i would tell him the lawak-est lawak in the world it wouldnt change his mood so better leave him at least 24 hours)

pandai tak baca sign die? muehehe (doh..nothing to be proud of). anyway, me, the typical pSyCHo, bile bosan, pie suka carik pasal, pastu try pk 1001 cara nk pujuk die balik. this way, in the future, i know what i should do and what i shouldnt do muehehe (again..total PsYcHO). anyway, today monyet has returned to his normal self and i talked to him for hours (ok ok..minutes). another reason that make today a good day. and as usual he would listen to me merepek like hell and today i talked about my favouritest topic in the whole wide world...teka aa. best best it left me in (a very) good mood for the whole day :D in fact it made me more than happy, more like manic. sengih2 sorang2 kat bilik, talked to my monkey-bear, nyanyi2 la la la. when i'm down, i'll be really down, more like depressed. when i'm happy i'll be manic. bipolar ape. both way will leave me lost in my own world, which is not good as i cant finish my work. cool down elly cool down..

cuba aa teka my favouritest topic in the world hehe ;P

pastuh, to make things worse (not worse for me, but for my work) they had kylie minogue's showgirl concert on tv tonite. me like kylie me lurvee kylie! just last week huda went to kylie's concert in london and she said 'ada 4 guys with spenda in a shower box on the stage'. gila jeles. and that was the exact kylie concert they had on tv tonite!! for the whole 2 hours! gile haven. nadine and huda siap tepon lagi to remind me to watch this (funny gak aa anyway thanks for being so thoughtful) high gile me terpacak depan tv tak berganjak langsung. kylie sungguh lah lawanya nko.. cair cair. very petite but perfectly formed. costumes lawa gile. bontot kylie lawa gile. 4 guys with spenda in a shower box..hmm..not so lawa mheheh.

ok ok need to at least write a few more slides on my power point presentation b4 i can go to bed. that is if i can go to sleep.. alamak lupe dinner..lapar la plak tapi dah kul 12.30..malas nk makan + dah gosok gigi. ala..tak mati nyer if tak makan malam ni. nite!

ps: semoga micheal schumacher terbabas/enjin letup/tayar pecah/demam denggi/whatever la so that alonso or any other racer than michael schumacher can win. muahaha someone so gonna kill me gagggagaa